03x10 - Speedtrapped

[bunniefuu]

Look, Mike. We've been doing this
on a regular basis for some time now,

and I enjoy seeing you and all, but...

I feel like our relationship
would be so much better

if we could just get past
this one little hurdle.

I agree, Daria.

Show me you can parallel park
and we'll never speak of it again.

Will you at last tell me how I'm doing?

You know I can't do that until
I fill out the official form.

Yes! Yes! At last!

I'll take that as a hint.

Licensed to drive.

The grotesque picture makes it official.

Thanks.

So now that you're in the government's master
computer for the rest of your life, let's celebrate.

Um, looks kind of old.

Yeah, well, I baked it way back when
you took the test the first time.

You baked this?

Baked, bought. Let's not ruin the moment
with a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo.

Cake.

Cool.

It's for Daria.

He can have some. I
mean, they can have some.

What's up? Birthday?

She got her license.

This thing is really hard and
cold. You think it's frozen?

Could be, Nick, could be. It
just might have to thaw out.

I'll wait.

No you won't. We can't hang around, man.

We've got a world tour! World tour!

Then we'd better find
a hammer. Come on, Nick.

Hey, that's Daria's!

Let 'em go. They'll give it
a good home. What world tour?

We got a gig in Fremont, miles away.

It's a small world after all.

If I could talk to the animals.

Anyway, I told you about that, remember?

I'm the road management coordinator?

You mean we're paying
you bucks to drive us.

Let's not cloud the horizon with
a lot of semantic hair-splitting.

You ought to come along, Daria.

Forget it! I tried.
She's house-sitting.

My folks are going away for the weekend,

and I told them I'd keep Quinn from
turning the place into a modeling agency.

Too bad. It's gonna to be cool.

Yeah. Um, my dad took me with him
to Fremont once on a business trip.

Isn't it even deader than Lawndale?

Hey, not after the Spiral
gets there! We're criminales!

We live life on the edge!

You go up against the Spiral,
we're gonna take you down!

We broke the cake.

See what I mean?

Meet the k*ller whale with
a license to practice law.

Orca in the Court,
tonight on Sick, Sad World.

But how should I know
where you put your earrings?

I don't wear the darn things.

Yes, well, I don't wear your shoes,
but somehow I always trip over them.

I don't think that makes sense.

- You don't make sense.
- You!

Can we just go, please?

We did tell you how proud we are that
you got your license, didn't we, sweetie?

Oh, I just sensed it.

Good.

Okay, if there's an emergency your father and I will
be at the "Making Marriage Magic" seminar at the Ramada.

I thought you said it was "First
Aid for the Heart" at the Doubletree.

Oh, Jake! Let's just have
silence, okay? No talking.

You!

Jake...

Ah... magic time.

Good, they're gone. We're all alone.

Uh, excuse me, but I'm here.

Oh, all right, you can stay.

But if you could be really,
really quiet, that would be great.

Do you think I'd look
good with this hair?

Mmm, it's a little too
Professor Know-It-All.

Oh, yeah. Good point.

Hello? You're where?

Jail! You gotta come get us out.

What happened?

That's the good part.
I got it all on tape.

When Mike Wallace gets through
with these backwater cops,

they're not gonna know what hit 'em.

Maybe you should put that camera away.

We don't want to antagonize this guy.

Hey, Max, I thought
you were a criminale.

I am. It's the cop I'm worried about.

If he goes up against me, I mean.

Don't worry, Max. This is
gonna look great in your video.

Hi, kids. Hi, Mom. Peace!

I don't know if you know it but you swerved over
the double line a couple of times back there.

'Fraid I'm gonna have
to write you up a ticket.

Can I see your license, miss?

Okay, but do you think you could
be just a little more menacing?

How about this?

I was hoping you could drag one of the
these guys out of the car and b*at him.

Max, you're by a door.

No! Cut it out!

Oh, gee, I don't think so.

What if you just kind
of bumped him a little?

Wow, sounds really brutal.

But why are you in jail if
he just gave you a ticket?

We're from out of state, so we're supposed to
pay the fine at the sheriff's office right away.

It's a hundred bucks,
and we don't have it.

I don't, either.

Obviously. Look, go over to my house.
Use the door with the broken lock.

There's some money in the living
room table with the cr*ck leg,

in the drawer with the missing handle.

Oh, and while you're there, Trent
wants you to pick up his song notebook.

It's under his bed
in the burnt shoe box.

How am I supposed to get it to you?

You have a license, don't
you? And listen, hurry up.

I'm a survivor, but I'm not
so sure about the other guys.

He was going to drag me
out of the car and b*at me!

- Be cool, man.
- You could have had him.

- Don't worry.
- Don't wig out.

You could have taken him.

Oh, boy.

I knew I wasn't ready for this.

What's the matter?

It's these shoes.
They're just so beautiful!

It's okay.

Don't cry.

I can lend you some money.

Please, God, no amusing surprises.

Maybe just a peek.

"My heart is like an open wound that
reads the tea leaves of its doom."

What?

"Soothe me with redemption's love
like a heat-proof kitchen glove."

God, I hope this is a first draft.

Okay, car, this is strictly
between us. Don't ask, don't tell.

Okay, let's do it!

Quinn, what are you doing?

I'm not gonna just sit here while you drive off to
some far, unknown land to get your friends out of jail!

What if something unexpected happens?

You're worried about me?

Let me rephrase that: what
if something cool happens?

Well, I suppose it would be smart
in case there's some emergency.

Great. I get to pick the music.

Isn't there something else on?

Forget it. This is the
only music I can listen to.

Well, can you turn it down?

You're not the boss of me!

Now, are we busting your
friends out of jail or not?

Tense?

No. There's a lot of stuff going on.

You have no idea how
complicated driving is.

It's not so hard.

How would you know? Dah! A giant truck!

Pull over, Daria.

I can't believe I'm doing this. I
can't believe I'm letting you do this.

I can't believe we're doing this.

Hey, when did you learn to drive?

God, Daria, what do you
think people do on dates?

Aren't you terrified?

It's all about attitude.

You're too timid, Daria.
I could do this all day.

Actually, I wouldn't mind if...

Your turn.

But you just started.

No way!

We are not picking up some
insane, murdering serial k*ller.

How reckless can you get?

He's not a k*ller. I recognize him.

It's... Sandi's cousin from Memphis.

Mom and Dad would crucify us.

Right, but taking the car out for a
hundred-mile joyride won't bother them at all.

Face it, Daria, you're
already accessorizing.

You mean, I'm an accessory?

Whatever. Look, lighten up.

You drive and I'll keep
him from murdering us.

Howdy! I sure do appreciate this.

You're not going to m*rder us, are you?

sh**t, no.

See? All you have to do is ask.

Here. Get to know some tourists.

Hey, I know my rights. You guys a band?

I used to know a few
musicians in my time,

back when they did it
for love, not the money.

Perhaps you fellows have
heard of Jimi Hendrix.

You knew Hendrix?

You know how he played
solos with his teeth?

You taught him that?

No, but one time when he broke a
string, I drove him to the dentist.

That's not bad.

Thanks. It's a copy.

I want one.

I think you can get a
poster of the original.

I don't want it for my wall.

Well, that ornery bull caught sight
of my red shirt and that was about it.

He must have chased me around that pasture
ten times before I could climb over the fence.

Wow, Travis, what a great story!

Yeah. It was just as good as the first time
I saw it... on Little House on the Prairie.

Heck, Dareeah, we could go
find that bull right now.

The pasture's only miles away.

We have to get to Fremont
and bail out the band.

Come on, Daria. Stop being timid.

Stop being reckless.

Band? Hey, what a coincidence!
I'm a musician, too.

Well, bust my legs and call me Shorty.

Play us something, Travis.

Do you like country music?

It's practically the only
music I can listen to.

- Wait, I thought...
- Shut up, Shorty.

Go ahead and play us something, Travis.

Here's a little tune from Mr.
Conway Twitty. Hope you like it.

Aw, sh**t, this don't even hurt.

Of course not. I'm using a rollerball.

What?! I told you, I want a tattoo.

It is a tattoo. It's just not permanent.

Hey, I don't know what you're trying to
pull, but I want something that's gonna last.

Some of your art there. And
you're gonna give it to me.

How's it gonna be my art, sister, if
you're dictating the medium of expression?

Okay, but press hard!

Oh, I'll be pressing.

So don't call him a cowboy
until you see him ride.

Well, thanks for the unforgettable
two hours of great country music.

It was super!

Man, you don't know how nice it is to
meet some real classic country fans.

Well, give us a call when you do.

Don't listen to her, Travis.

Hey, she's just showing off
that city gal sense of humor.

Deep down, I know she's a cowgirl.

Thank you both kindly. Bye, now.

Bye! Good luck with your audition!

What a nice guy... and talented.

Yes, he's mastered the art
of sticking out his thumb.

And we'd never have met
him if you'd had your way.

I don't think you're a cowgirl at all.

I thought you couldn't
listen to country music.

Oh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me.

Then Sid, Sid Vicious, put his
hand on my shoulder and said,

"Stan, you taught me how to play, you taught
me how to look, you taught me attitude.

You know what you did? You invented
punk." Two days later, he was dead.

Really?

No way.

Yes, way. That's how it happened.
I know, because I was there.

Whoa, cool.

You got a lot of stories, I'll say that.

That's just the tip
of the iceberg, my man.

Got many more, many more... but I can feel
my blood sugar on the brink of a plunge.

I don't suppose you've squirreled
away any emergency sustenance?

You got any food?

- Sorry, man.
- Sorry, dude.

All tapped out.

Wait, cake.

Excellent. Wh... where was I? Oh, yes.

The birth of KISS, and how I taught
Gene Simmons to put on makeup.

So, you're saying that
aliens like art, too?

No, I'm simply posing the question,

what if an eggbeater is considered great
art on Mars; would that make it art to us?

Hell, an eggbeater can
be evidence. Why not art?

What the heck is going on here?

Temporary tattoos. Fun
for the whole family.

I mean that flag. It's
all the wrong colors.

It's an homage to Jasper Johns, an
important late- th Century artist.

Besides, I don't have red.

Lady, you just crossed a major line.

We do not make sport of our nation's
star-spangled banner in this here establishment.

You don't get it, it's art.

Wrong. It's a trip to the sheriff!

And I don't think he's
gonna like what he sees.

We made it. I did it. I
got us here in one piece.

Slowly.

But surely. Now, let's
deal with the law.

Oh, boy.

This isn't right. Oh, no.

This is very bad. Very bad.

What's wrong?

A cute cowboy stole our money!

Um, actually, that's not entirely true.

What?

Remember when we stopped at that little
town so you could unclench your hands?

Travis and I kind of went shopping.

That money was for Jane and Trent.

I know, but Travis bought me an outfit,
and he was so excited, he forgot to pay,

and anyway, he didn't have any money,
and I think it's really gingham.

You spent all of
Jane's money on clothes?

Of course not! I lent the rest
to Travis for a bus ticket home.

Don't worry, he's gonna
repay us when he gets back.

You moron. How are we supposed
to get Jane and Trent out of jail?

Oh... see, I told you something
unexpected would happen.

What are you going to say to him?

What am I going to say to him?
You're going to tell him the truth.

You gave him money that wasn't
yours and you need it back.

Oh, Daria. Are we that desperate
that we have to resort to the truth?

When this is all over, remind me
to run screaming into the night.

Okay, maybe this wasn't
such a great idea.

It's just a bar. They're all alike.

How would you know?

God, Daria, what do you
think people do on...

Never mind. Excuse me, but you wouldn't
have seen a cowboy come in recently?

Um, he was kind of, you
know, rugged looking.

He was here to audition
for a job singing.

We've had a few people
in here like that.

This guy sings country music.

Like I said.

Right, of course. Okay,
well, thanks for your time.

Good luck cleaning those glasses.

What was that? He
didn't tell us anything.

I know. These cowboy guys are all alike.

Daria, all guys are all alike.

The secret is knowing how to ask them.

And how am I supposed to ask them?

You can't just be all
meek and respectful.

You have to remember that line about
how you catch more flies with money.

Excuse me, but if it weren't
for your total recklessness,

it wouldn't matter that I'm meek,
because we wouldn't be in this situation.

Don't worry, I may be reckless
but I'm also a problem-solver.

Hand me that bag, will you?

Uh, Quinn?

Attention, guys. We're just two
little city gals from Lawndale.

Lawndale's a suburb.

Right. And we know we
shouldn't be here, but...

some friends of ours got pulled
over by the sheriff recently.

We brought the bail money to get them out,
and now some mean old cowboy's stolen it.

Now, I'm not saying all cowboys
are mean or old or thieves,

but it does make me think twice about
ever considering a cowboy for a boyfriend.

Well, heck, little lady,
I've been pulled over myself.

It's humiliating, and bad for
the soul. Here's ten bucks.

Doggone it, we're not all
bad, little miss. Take .

Now hold on. How do you know we're
not the ones being flimflammed here?

You fast-talking suburban gals think you
can just march in and con some cowboys?

Is that your game?

Um, no, not at all!

You think we're a bunch of dumb
hicks. What do you know about us?

I don't call 'em cowboys
till I see 'em ride.

What?

'Cause a Stetson hat and them fancy
boots don't tell me what's inside.

Hey, that's Conway Twitty.
You like Conway Twitty music?

You bet your lonesome prairie
campfire I do, partner.

All right! Now these are cowgirls.

Fellas, step on up here
and empty your pockets.

We'll be through the criminal justice
system and home in time for Buffy.

Good thinking, Daria!

Shut up, Shorty.

Now, I'm not gonna have to come out and stop you
from chasing your husband with a skillet again, am I?

Well, that depends.

You think you can come out and stop him
from saying or doing something stupid first?

I wish. But I don't have time to ride
herd on every stupid man in this county.

Especially judges.

Uh, hi. We're here to pick
up our friend, Jane Lane.

Who?

Jane Lane, and Trent
Lane. They're with a band.

Oh, yeah, they're not here anymore.
They're with... the sheriff.

That doesn't sound very good.

You go first.

You go first.

Together.

Finally.

Sorry. It's been a long day.

Tell me about it.

How'd you get out of jail?

Well, it was a little dicey with
that jerk deputy. Oops, sorry, Tina.

It's okay. When Daddy puts on the
uniform, he's a whole different person.

But lucky for me, the
sheriff's a big fan of Picasso.

Not bad.

It's his daughter's birthday. We're
working off our debt to society.

We? Where's the band?

One, two, three, four!

- I've been working on the railroad...
- Every pointless day!

- I've been working on the railroad...
- While my life gets pissed away!

- Can't you hear the whistle blowing?
- Shatter my dreams in the morn!

- Can't you hear the capt'n shouting?
- Wish I was never born!

Thank you, thank you.

Play all night!

I guess we're a little late,
but maybe you want this, anyway.

Excellent. You didn't
read any of this, did you?

Uh... no.

Cool. It's kind of personal.

Okay, guys, this next
number's an original tune.

It's called "Paingasm." Hope you
enjoy it. One, two, three, four!

So, it appears you Morgendorffer
girls can actually get along, hmm?

For brief periods,
spaced many days apart.

We did make a pretty good team.

Maybe you should quit the Fashion Club
and we could just go around solving crimes.

But that's what the Fashion Club is all
about: solving crimes against fashion.

I hope jail wasn't too bad for you.

Nah.

We met the guy who invented punk music
and introduced rice to the Japanese.

Cool guy.

You didn't really believe him, did you?

Hey, man, you weren't there; he was.

Hey, look! They made me a junior deputy!

That was nice what you said,
that we make a good team.

I guess sometimes being timid works
just as well as being confident.

I'm not timid.

Oh, my gosh, look! It's Travis!

Seriously, do you
really think I'm timid?

Yes, but it doesn't matter. It's Travis!

I'm not timid.

What are you doing? Daria? Daria!

Okay, now do you think I'm timid?

Um, no. Why don't we just
put on some music and relax?

I'll pick the music.

Fair enough.

You know, I'm starting
to like this stuff.