01x03 - The Feast of Realms

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Legend of Vox Machina". Aired: January 25, 2022 –; present.*
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A band of eight unlikely heroes, find themselves on a quest to save the realm of Exandria from dark magical forces.
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01x03 - The Feast of Realms

Post by bunniefuu »

[children laughing]

[Julius] It was so funny,
Father. [laughs]

[man] And Percy, too.

[laughs]

[laughing]

- [woman laughs]
- [panting]

- [dogs barking]
- [Percy] Hurry, Cass!

- [woman] That man...
- [whimpers]

[man] Reality knocking
at your door.

[panting]

- [grunts]
- [Johanna screams]

[man cackles]

[horse neighs]

[panting]

[grunts]

[gasps]

[breathing shakily]

[sighs]

Bad dream?

Is there any other kind?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- [birds chirping]
- [rooster crows]

[sighs]
Good morning, everybody.

[all grumbling]

- [Vex] Why?
- Why is she yelling?

- Oh, good morning, Vax.
- [muffled] Morning.

[gasps, wails]

Seven to two.

[strained] I never agreed
to this stupid game.

[sighs] Must you?

We can't all be

aloof tight-asses, de Rolo.

I'm simply suggesting
you could all benefit

from some
well-practiced restraint.

- [moans]
- Emotions aren't meant to be bottled up.

Maybe you should
cut loose once in a while.

[pounding on door]

Hello?

Uh, Vox Machina?

Uh, are you here?

- [Keyleth] It's stuck.
- [door thumping]

[Scanlan] Ugh, f*cking doors.

[Vex] These old hinges
are rusted.

[Pike] Grog, give it
a little shove?

[Grog] Yep, one sec.

[chuckles] Lady Allura, welcome.

Hope you didn't feel the need
to bring a housewarming present.

I didn't. Alas,
I'm only here to remind you

that Sovereign Uriel
expects you at his dinner.

- Oh, sh*t. That's tonight?
- Finally.

A proper evening of protocol
and civilized conversation.

[Allura] It's more than a party.

Dignitaries from across
the realm are here

to form a new security pact.

We must put
our best foot forward.

- Right. W-Which foot is that?
- [plate shatters]

Hey, Pike, want to be my date?

I promise to be
on my best-worst behavior.

Oh, I-I'm okay.

Lady Allura, we appreciate
the gravity of the situation

and will present ourselves
with the utmost dignity.

[grunts, coughs]
Yeah.

[strained] Good one.
Seven to five.

Five? He was just at two.

Oh, yeah,
that was a three-pointer.

You see, the rules
of ball-tag are as complex

as they are beautiful.

I-I shall brief them
on royal etiquette and manners.

You have my word,
nothing will go wrong.

[cries]

My balls.

Hurts so much.

Remember what we practiced.

Be reserved, be charming.
Protocol.

[grunts]

[sighs] Just follow my lead.

Sorry. If you brought weapons,
they must be checked.

[grumbles]

- [laughter]
- [indistinct chatter]

[sergeant-at-arms]
From Kraghammer,

Gradim Greyspine.

From Emon, Vox Machina?

[sighs] Is that all you got?

Allow me. [clears throat]

Vox Machina,
champions of justice,

hunters of dragons,

- destroyers of chastity.
- [people gasping]

Right, let's stick together.

Follow my lead
for formal greetings, and...

Or, you know, do whatever.

[scoffs] How's anyone supposed
to get drunk from these things?

Uh, I'm pretty sure
they're just fancy sh*ts, Grog.

Two for you, and three for me.

- Ooh. Cheers.
- Cheers.

[gulping]

- [glass shatters]
- [both exhale]

What are you looking at?

Doofus.

[Scanlan] What-what?
You want to get freaky with me?

Sir, I don't even know you.

You are a libertine and a cad,
and I like it.

Reginald, what in the world?

I just asked
where the privy was.

[laughter]

This is fantastic.

Diplomats are here
from all over Tal'Dorei.

Fort Daxio, Kymal, Westruun.

- Even...
- [sergeant-at-arms] From Whitestone,

Lord Sylas
and Lady Delilah Briarwood.

- [woman screams]
- [hyperventilating]

- [metal scraping]
- [grunting]

- [man cackles]
- [woman screams]

Percy, what's wrong?

It's... it's them.

Whitestone was my home.

Until those fiends
took everything from me.

What do you want us to do?

Should we say something?
To Uriel?

We can't.

[grunting]

Looks like
they're staying overnight.

Why don't I make myself scarce
and slip into their chambers?

See if I can figure out
what they're up to.

Yeah, sounds like a plan.

But in case of trouble,
we should have a safe word.

- Grog, suggestions?
- Right.

The safe word is "chenga."

Okay. My safe word's "mommy."

[laughter]

And somehow you guys look worse
every time we see you.

Where's Vax?

Oh, uh, he has the squirts.

I see. Delightful.

Well, if you'll follow me.

Seats for the sovereign's
dragon slayers.

[laughs]

[growls softly]

Ooh, sh*t's about to get real.

[silverware clinking]

- [knocking on wood]
- [sergeant-at-arms] Attention please be given

to our Sovereign
Uriel Tal'Dorei III

and Empress Salda Tal'Dorei.

- [clears throat]
- Hmm?

[gasps softly]

- Uh... Huh?
- Oh.

Nothing like a dragon att*ck
to bring us all together, eh?

- [soft laughter]
- Thank you, everyone,

for making the journey in.

Please, allow me
to introduce our dining party.

We have Arbiter Duala Juun,
Master of Law.

- [applause]
- To her left, Seeker Assum...

[whispers] Percy? Percy.

P-Percy.

[whispers] He's just
staring like a perv.

He said the Briarwoods
took everything.

What does that mean?

We cannot be caught
unprepared again.

- [all] Hear, hear.
- [man] Agreed, Sovereign.

Percy, talk to us.

Percy.

[scattered gasps]

[chuckles]

- I'm fine.
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Percy, I say you just walk over
to the Briarwoods,

say hello to break the ice,
then punch them in the face.

- See what happens.
- Grog, no.

Eh, I don't hate Grog's idea.

Uh, we have to wait.

Give Vax a chance
to gather some intel.

Hmm?

Hmm.

- What the bloody hell?
- f*cking snake!

Come on.

[Uriel] I must confess,

I was rather curious
whether you would come.

Our messenger did not return.

In fact, I've heard dark rumors
about Whitestone.

They say no one travels
in or out of your lands.

Lies spread by drunks
and knaves.

If no one left Whitestone,

would we be sitting
before you, Sovereign?

[Uriel] Perhaps.

Or perhaps I might be forced
to send a garrison of troops

to check on your city.

[Sylas] You won't need
to do that.

You are right. There's no need.

In fact, Whitestone
needs to be protected.

Yes. Whitestone's independence
is not to be challenged.

- Ooh. Nice catch.
- [laughter]

Have we...

met before?

[gulps]

Uh...

We haven't met. I'm Vex'ahlia.

I'm so sorry,
what was your name again?

Delilah.
What an absolute pleasure

to meet
the Protectors of the Realm.

- My husband Sylas.
- Charmed.

[Scanlan] Uh, those
are beautiful beads.

I have a set
just like it, you know.

- Beads? I've never once seen you...
- Eh?

Ew.

♪ ♪

[hissing]

- [laughter]
- [indistinct chatter]

Interestingly enough, we're not
originally from Whitestone.

Of course you're not.

Tell me, have you heard how we
became caretakers of Whitestone?

The official story is
that city was administered

by the de Rolo family

until they succumbed
to a rare disease.

But I'm afraid the truth is,

we concocted that tale

to protect their legacy.

The sad reality is
that the de Rolos abdicated.

They grew bored of ruling,

and after their children raided
the treasury,

they abandoned their people
to rot.

- Liars!
- [gasping]

[murmuring]

Ugh.

Thank you, Sovereign Uriel,

but I think we will retire
for the night.

It was a lovely dinner.

We especially enjoyed
the company.

So refined.

Excuse us for a moment.

[chairs scraping on floor]

Percival, darling,
what did we say about emotions?

You don't understand.

Then help us understand.

[sighs] The Briarwoods...

they m*rder*d my entire family.

We got what we came for.

Uriel was more pliant
than even I anticipated.

The Whispered One?

But finding the boy
was unexpected.

Our circumstances
have changed.

[whooshing]

- [expl*sive pop]
- [gasps]

Oh, uh, beg your pardon.

Just turning down your bed.


Forgot those little...

pillow mints.

Um...

Oh, gosh,
you're a handsome couple.

Lost my train of thought.

Be right back.

[gasps]

Percy, why didn't you tell us?

I've tried to tell many
over the years.

No one's ever believed me.

[gasps] Wait. Vax is up there.

What if he needs help?

Plus, he's got the squirts!

Okay, I'll distract,
you go... quietly.

- [clears throat]
- [murmuring, gasping]

Ladies and lords,
allow Scanlan Shorthalt

to delight you
with an after-dinner song

I like to call
"Pull My Beads of Love."

A-two, three, four!

Give me a tug!

♪ Ha ♪

♪ Now, I don't really know
what you're thinkin' ♪

- Ugh.
- ♪ When you're lookin' at a gnome like me ♪

♪ Ow! But I can show you
somethin' special, whoa! ♪

[trembling breaths]

You are a curious one.

And you look delicious.

[groans]

[groaning weakly]

[Sylas] Come now.
Let's get this over with.

[grunts]

[groaning]

[weakly] Chenga...

Vax.

We have to move.

We lost the ticket?

Screw it. Grog!

[Grog] Come here, fuckstick!

- [guard grunts]
- [crashing]

[all panting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[groans]

There's no way out
tonight, my friend.

- [bird screeches]
- Hmm?

[screeching]

- Whoa!
- Sylas!

Delilah!

- [g*n clicks]
- [groans]

Would you look at that, dear?

It's the pup who survived,
all grown up.

Step off, bitch.

[whooshing]

[yells]

[grunting]

No one kills Vax but me!

[Pike] I've got you, Vax.

Come on, come on,
come on, please.

[whirring]

[grunts]

Thanks, Pickle.

Had him right
where I wanted him.

[Delilah] I think not.

[Keyleth] Ah, crap!

- [laughs]
- [yells]

These are Emon's
"Protectors of the Realm"?

[grunts]

Oh, sh*t. That ain't good.

[laughs]

My blade thirsts.

You got a sword.

Oh, that's cute.

[blade rings]

You were saying?

So, we're not doing
terrible, right?

No, this is terrible.

♪ Pull on
my motherfuckin' beads ♪

♪ Of love, of love ♪

♪ Pull on
my motherfuckin' beads ♪

♪ Of love, of love ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

[yelling and grunting]

[blade rings]

[Grog groaning]

[Pike] Oh, no.

Hold on, Grog!

Ah. Oh, you the best, Pike.

[grunting]

Ooh, I bet that hurt.

This little one is
entirely too much trouble.

- [yells]
- [whooshing]

[screams]

Ball tag time!

[groaning and panting]

Your gods can't help you now.

- [Pike gasps]
- Oh, no, no, no! Pike!

[yells]

[man] What's going on?
Go get the captain!

- [man ] There they are. In the courtyard!
- [man ] Over there!

Desmond!

[horse neighing]

Lady Briarwood,
I did as you ordered.

Your belongings are here...
[yelps, grunts]

I'll drive, thank you.

Stop them!

Come visit us
sometime, Percival.

You're always welcome back home.

[clicking]

[Percy] No! I had them.

Had them!

And you let them slip away.

[all gasp softly]

[Keyleth] I-I didn't...

Everlight. [gasps]

No. No, please.

[Desmond groans softly]

[Percy] You.

[grunts]

[Desmond gasping]

Start talking.

Why were the Briarwoods here?

What were they after?

Uh, they were invited like you.

By Sovereign Uriel.

Sylas and Delilah
have never left

the confines
of Whitestone before.

Why here? Why now?

[eerie hissing]

Answer me... now.

What the actual f*ck?

Holy sh*t, Percy.
What are you doing?

[Desmond] Please.
I'm-I'm only a servant.

They-they don't tell me anything.

Please don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me!

[groaning]

Percy, stop.

[whimpering]

[gasping]

You fool.

Now your soul is forfeit.

[gasping]

[Uriel] Halt right there!

What is the meaning of this?

Guards, arrest Vox Machina.

[guard] Quickly!

Go, go!

Nobody move!

Hands where we can see 'em.

[Scanlan whoops and laughs]

They loved me in there.

Oh, I was on fire.

Huh?

f*ck.

[Scanlan] ♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Well, I know that
you're thinkin' about me ♪

♪ Ow! Because your curiosity
has been piqued ♪

♪ I may be inches of sexy ♪

♪ But I'm feet of freak ♪

♪ I'm not gonna
tell you to stop ♪

♪ I'm feeling good
going in, going out ♪

♪ You want to hear
something pop ♪

♪ Well, give me a tug ♪

♪ And good God, I'll shout ♪

♪ Pull on
my motherfuckin' beads ♪

♪ Of love, of love ♪

♪ Pull on
my motherfuckin' beads ♪

♪ Of love, of love ♪

♪ Pull on
my motherfuckin' beads ♪

♪ Of love, of love ♪

[whoops] Good night, Emon.
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