04x06 - I Loathe a Parade

[bunniefuu]

- Can you teach an old dog to turn tricks? Ruff!
- Canine call girls, next on Sick, Sad World.

Daria, have you seen my new
Teenage Superstars magazine?

I couldn't help myself. I've plastered
my walls with its hot, sexy pinups.

- I'll ask Mom.
- Daria, have you seen your father?

-
- Did you look under the Teenage Superstars magazine?

-
- I'll ask Quinn.

...need some money for new clothes
for the standardized testing

'cause I hate filling in
those little circles...

Now, did you see your father?
When was the last time you saw him?

Hello? Anybody? Please?

Is anybody out there? Am I
the only one left in the house?

If I help you with the first question, will
you try to do the second one on your own?

Daria! Thank God!

Your mother's at her work thing and
Quinn's at her school thing and...

I thought I'd be stuck in here forever.

Okay, listen closely. There's a knob
on the door. Turn it counterclockwise.

We're all out of toilet paper,
kiddo! Would you believe it?

Oh. Well, I'll go grab
some from downstairs.

There isn't any downstairs.
That's why I ran up here.

I see. Walking away now
with too much information.

Kiddo, could you hurry over to dr*gs
N' Stuff and pick up a few rolls?

I get stuck on the hurry part.

Damn it. How in hell
would Helen handle this?

hey, I bet that's one of those
backwards-and-forward things! No, I guess not.

She'd offer me a bribe.

Yeah! If you can make it back in
minutes, I'll give you five bucks.

A decent bribe.

Twenty!

You're on. See you in a few minutes.

Hurry, kiddo!

Ten minutes. I'll never make
it home in time to get that .

Of course, I could always turn
back all the clocks in the house,

but how will I get to his wristwatch?
I wonder if they sell chloroform here.

Next. Can I help you, dear?

No, I just came to enjoy your
reenactment of the fall of Saigon.

You mean the crowd? Well, what
do you expect on homecoming night?

Homecoming night?

Everyone in town is lining
up to see the parade.

Now, really look inside
your work, and ask:

in focusing so intently on my subject,
have I neglected my negative space?

Daria! Have you seen Jane?

Not lately.

I was hoping she might help us paint
windows. We need her color sense.

CeCe, I'm going to throw paint on you!

Now, Gary, don't you dare!

No, people. Treasure you medium.

Must get home... must get home...

You'll pay through the
nose for that sh*t, missy.

Unless you can give me a plausible
reason for your being here.

I was having too much fun at home,

so I thought I'd go out and get
k*lled by an unstable parade float.

Yep, through the nose.

I'd stay and talk, but I've got
bucks riding on my quick escape. Join me?

Got a date... with a
thoughtless delinquent.

You're meeting Tom here?

What better place than
a high school homecoming

to chronicle the anarchic
death spiral of Western society?

So your date consists
of making fun of people.

If you must be all simplistic
about it. And you're here because...

My dad sent me on an emergency
errand and I got stranded.

I'm betting he's stranded, too.

Oh, look!

Hope you have time for
a cheer before you go.

Okay, girls, let's pump up the spirit.

Who's the team that's number
one? Lawndale! Lawndale!

Who's the team that's lots of fun?
Lawndale! Lawndale! Go... football!

Kevin, maybe we shouldn't
be so friendly up here.

Relax, babe. You're the football
sweetheart and I'm the Q.B.

I'm supposed to be touching
you and stuff. It's the law.

But Brittany's my friend,
and she's right there.

Hey, we're elected officials.
It's like manifold destiny.

Um, Kevin? We're all
supposed to be throwing candy.

Cool!

Check it out I'll catch it in my mouth.

That's it. When the candy reaches
escape velocity, it's time to leave.

Where the hell is Tom? He was
supposed to be here minutes ago.

I wouldn't let it bother you.

Just because he's a few minutes late

doesn't mean he's an inconsiderate jerk who
will ultimately bring you nothing but misery.

I'm glad you're starting to warm to him.

I need to cross this street now if I want to
make it home before the next ice age. See you.

Godspeed, Indiana Morgendorffer.

Ms. Morgendorffer, where
do you think you're going?

Slowly insane. But I need
to pop in at home first.

As principal of Lawndale High, I can't just
permit spectators to cross a parade route.

Right. Isn't that how
World w*r I started?

If you were to get impaled on a
float or sexually harassed by a clown

Things could get ugly.

Things already have, but I don't
have time to debate this right now.

Crowd control inadequate. Next
year, consider electric fences.

I can still make it back in time. All I
need is a catapult and a good tailwind.

Rah, rah, rah! We're number one!

Um, I think the roaring
' s are back that way.

Let's do the Lawndale shuffle.

How about the "get the
hell away from me" slide?

My head's too big.

That's because it's so full of dreams.

Rah, rah, rah. Please help me up.

Ms. Li's gone. I'm out of here.

Tad?

Daria? Oh, Daria, I'm scared!

So am I. Where are your mom and dad?

I don't know. I saw a windmill in the
toy store window so I went to look,

cause they're such a
clean source of energy,

and when I turned
around, everyone was gone.

Now I'm frightened I'll be
stuck in this parade forever.

I know the feeling.
Let's find you a cop.

And I'm sure your father has had more
than his share of scrapes with John Law.

Won't you stay with me, Daria?

Come on. Much to my surprise,

my conscience tells me I should
help you find your parents.

Hooray! With you along, this'll be an
exciting adventure, like the travels of Babar.

Easy on the elephant comparisons, kid.

Stupid conscience.

What's your favorite
part of the parade, Daria?

The thigh... no, wait, the drumstick.

Oh. I like the clowns.

Of course you do. Keep
looking for your parents.

I also like it when they
throw candy from the floats.

Since when do you eat candy?
You told me it was poison.

Oh, it is, but every piece I catch is one
cavity some other boy or girl will never get.

That's what makes it so rewarding.

Tad, when you brush your teeth, do you
ever scrub right through to your brain?

Oh, look! Do you think he'll
be throwing candy from his car?

No, that car has things thrown at it.

Do my eyes deceive me?
The divine Ms. Mmm...

and who may I ask is your young suitor?

I'm not supposed to give
my name to strange people.

And they don't come
any stranger than this.

So quick to dismiss. I
like that... for a while.

Does the notion of satin
upholstery get you excited?

-
- Sure, if it's lining your coffin.

-
- Grr, feisty! I'll be parked at the end of the parade route, gorgeous.

- - So remember, if the Love Machine's
rocking, by all means, come-a-knocking!

Daria?

Oh. Tom. Aren't you
supposed to be with Jane?

She was waiting for you
in front of dr*gs N' Stuff.

Oh. She just said to meet at the pharmacy.
I thought she meant the other one.

I guess it was just a
big misunderstanding.

He didn't mean to k*ll two million
people. He only wanted to scare them.

Anyway, who's this?

Tad. Former baby-sitting job. He's
lost, and we're looking for his parents.

Hiya, Tad, I'm Tom. Mind if
I tag along with you guys?

Actually, we'd be better off...

We're both headed back toward dr*gs
N' Stuff. We can help each other.

If you really want to walk with us,
fine, but I don't think you'll find Jane.

I've never seen this
street so crowded before.

It is a stunning array of pod people.

It's times like these I'm
glad I don't go to your school.

Uh-huh. And I suppose your
ivy-choked prep school is any better?

Wait a minute. Was I
just defending Lawndale?

You know, I think you were.

We never had this conversation.

What conversation?

All this waving is making my arm tired.
Isn't there something else we can do?

There was, until someone handed
out all our head sh*ts at once.

I didn't mean to. Oh, I should
have paced myself better.

We should do something that showcases
our, like, charity and stuff.

Perhaps we could select a less fortunate girl
from the audience and give her a makeover.

That is such a good idea, Sandi.

Maybe we should hop a float.

We could see more people that
way, and more people could see us.

One: I don't hop
floats. Two: I don't hop.

Come on, Daria. You gotta
embrace the nightmare.

Don't you want to wave to the crowd?

Look, Tom, I know that you and Jane
see this whole thing as a big joke,

but that's not me.

I stand corrected. This
whole thing is a big joke.

Um, Quinn? Isn't that your relative
or whatever walking toward us?

Oh, no. Okay, we need to speed up now.

This is perfect. We can make her over.

Wow! The crowd will be amazed.

Wait, not that float.

Daria! Come on! Don't leave me!

Okay, we looked. Now
let's get down before...

We'll need to apply some
base. But first, some pre-base.

Do you want to use my scrunchie?
Please use my scrunchie.

I'll take the "before" picture.

Call them off... or I start hugging you.

You wouldn't dare!

Try me.

Isn't it great how they keep electing
us Homecoming King and Queen every year?

Yes, it's such a generous
and enlightened gesture.

It completely makes up for the town's
utter lack of diversity, in my mind.

And we're playing into it.

Damn college applications.

This is so humiliating.

This is so humiliating! Let go of me!

Not until she holsters that hair spray.

Um, Quinn's cousin or whatever?

Could you just let us pull your
hair back? It won't, like, hurt.

That product was tested
on bunnies and kitties!

It was?!

Duh... that's why we use it. So those
cute animals didn't suffer in vain.

You're a mean old witch.

I am not old!

You're mean...

I am not old...

Quinn, your friend and her friends
aren't getting into the spirit.

They shouldn't even be up here.

There's a news flash. We're
looking for Tad's parents.

Have you seen them?

No. Now get down.

Come on, Tad. Enough of this
ivory tower. Back to the streets.

You don't respect other species' rights.

Shove it, veggie boy.

That girl just doesn't
know what's good for her.

Tell me about it.

Wait till I tell my parents I was on a
real live float and I met an animal abuser.

Uh-oh. The animals are
about to exact their revenge.

Here we go, Lawndale, here we go!

Didn't I just leave you for
dead a while ago? b*at it.

Come on, let's have a cheer!

She said b*at it, Leo!

Wow. That was the modern equivalent of laying
your cape over a puddle of water for me.

Well, I don't know you well
enough to wear my cape around you.

Wait a minute, was
that a smile I just saw?

A twitch... more of a tic, really.

I knew you were having fun. Why hide it?

You need to learn how to laugh out loud
at the ridiculous horror of all this.

Look cheerleaders!

The Lions can't be b*at!
They're lightning on their feet!

They're the best team on our
street... or lots of other streets.

He touched her butt. Did anyone
else see? He touched her butt!

Okay, Mr. Busy Hands.

Let's see how your team does
without cheerleaders to back you up!

- They're coming right for us! Turn, turn!
- It's not designed to turn so fast!

-
- It's like the Hindenburg.

-
- Oh, the lack of humanity.

This is magnificent. When
Homecoming Parades Turn Hellish.

Now, aren't you glad you
were here to see this?

Well, I definitely understand why
you wanted to share this with Jane.

Sorry you never hooked up.

It's okay.

By now she'd be so busy snapping
pictures she'd forget I was even here.

You know how she is.

Yeah, I know how she is.

Thanks for getting lost
in the moment with me.

Um, you're welcome?

What do you think of
all this, Tad? Tad? Tad?

Oh, no.

He couldn't have gone far.

Did we pass any windmills?

Tad? Tad Gupty?

I was holding his hand last,
Daria. I'll take responsibility.

Maybe we should start waving again.

Why play into this stupid
charade any more than we have to?

We don't have to do anything.
Hell, we don't have to be up here.

That's actually a good point.
What's the worst they could do to us?

What happened?

Oh, what the hell.

- We may be tokens, but we're damn good-looking
ones. - Can't argue with that. Hey...

Is that Daria?

What's she doing at a homecoming parade?

Tad? Tad? I can't believe this.

Hey, it could be worse.

Let's see... in the past half-hour,
I've lost the chance to make bucks,

lost my dignity on a
float, and, oh, yeah...

I lost a
seven-year-old child.

Weren't you also carrying
some toilet paper before?

Yeah. Okay, now I'm angry.

Daria! Tom! I found my parents!
They were looking for me!

Of course we were looking for
you, honey. We were so worried.

Daria, Tad told us all about
how you stayed with him.

How can we ever repay you?

I hear uncut diamonds are as
good as cash on the open market.

Yes, well, thank you, Daria.

The next time you baby-sit,

we'll be sure to have some extra carrot
sticks in the fridge, just for you!

Come on, honey, Daria here is a hero.
I say we get her some dried fruit.

My cup runneth over.

Mom! Dad! We're missing the parade!

Well, I guess we'd better find
a good spot. Thanks again, Daria.

Um, this is where I saw Jane
before, but she's not here now.

We've done what we can. I
wouldn't stress about it.

We're having a good time, right?

Help... me...

Not you again.

Remember us? We're the ones who
don't enjoy your hilarious antics.

Can't... breathe...

What's he saying?

It's either "canned
beef" or "can't breathe."

The latter.

Hello? Where am I? Oh...

I can't believe it. It's Mr. O'Neill.

And he would have gotten away with
it if it weren't for us meddling kids.

Oh, my... whenever I cut loose,
I always go overboard. Oh...

Get going!

We can't.

The parade stopped moving again.

We can't just stay here forever.

The same people have been
staring at us for too long.

It's like looking into the
sun. It's like, really pretty?

But if you do it for too
long, you get wrinkles.

Yeah. It kind of hurts, too.

Move! Move, you big, ugly vehicles!

I don't understand.

Maybe the electric blanket is
putting undue stress on the battery.

I don't care what your
excuse is, Don Guano.

You need to roll this car
out of the way right now.

That's the spirit. Let your blood boil.

You're holding up the parade.

Now get out of here,
or we put on the cuffs.

- Grr! Feisty.
- They're gonna k*ll him.

-
- Let's not get our hopes up.

Thanks, Daria. It's for the yearbook.

I'm getting some really great
pictures of couples tonight.

No, Ted, we're not a...

I don't even go to this school.

Well, it's about stinking time.

We've been looking all over for you.

What do you mean, been looking?

Tom and I ran into each other.

We've been up and down
the entire parade route.

Together? And yet, no torn clothes?
No blood? No missing organs?

No, we got along...
pretty well. Right, Daria?

Right. I guess.

I said to meet at dr*gs N' Stuff.
Where were you, you big dope?

No, you said at the pharmacy.

He was at the other one waiting for you.

That's where I met him... ran into him.

I tried there, too. You guys must
have left before I got there, I guess,

I guess.

Well, come on. Let's get some
pizza and compare battle scars.

Come on, Daria!

Oh, my gosh! This is so much fun!

Oops, sorry.

We're having a paint fight. Whoo!

Oh, no, civilian casualties.
You look great, Daria.

I can't believe this? Are you okay?

- I'm...
- Here, take my jacket. Wish I'd worn my cape.

No, I'm fine. Really, I've always
wanted an amazing Technicolor dreamcoat.

I've trained her well. Never fear paint.

Come on, Daria.

We'll stop by your house and you can
shower and change before we head out.

No, come out like that,
Daria. Shake up your image.

You know, why don't you
two just go on ahead?

I think I'll skip the pizza tonight.

Aw, come on.

Yeah, come on, Daria.

I'm kind of b*at.

Okay, see you around.

I'll call you later.

Well, I never would have believed it.

Look at you, Daria. All decked
out in the Lawndale colors.

I knew if you just gave school
spirit a chance, you'd like it.

Go, Lawndale! Right,
Daria? See you in class.

Daria? Daria?! Please come home, Daria.

Come on, I've read this article
about the Olsen twins five times!

I knew I should've made it bucks.

Daria buying toilet paper Jay Z
- Anything

LHS marching band playing as Daria leaves drugstore John Philip Sousa
- When the Saints Go Marching In

st commercial bumper Jay Z
- It's a Hard Knock Life

nd commercial bumper Apollo Four Forty
- Stop the Rock

- I Know There's Something Going On