04x08 - Psycho Therapy

[bunniefuu]

You want some milk, kiddo?

No, thanks. Read the warning label;
contains tryptophane, highly relaxing, do

not combine with high school.

I don't see that. Does
milk really relax you?

It's not quite as effective when
diluted with three cups of coffee.

Good morning!

Mom?

Who'd like a nice, hot
breakfast, a la Helen?

Hot breakfast? Honey, you're not
going through "the change," are you?

My seven AM meeting got cancelled, so I
thought we could enjoy some extra family

time. Daria, can I make you breakfast?

Sure, push the lever.

Daria! Sugar tarts?

Hey, it's not my fault
frozen burritos won't fit.

Jake, Quinn, can I get you anything?

Actually, I saw these really
cute zipper boots at Cashman's.

I meant, for breakfast.

I could wear them during breakfast.

Eric? What? When? How? Of
course not, not a problem.

You know, now that you mention it honey,
I could sure use one of your egg-white

omelets. Yum!

Jake, can't you ever think of anyone but
yourself? I've got a huge emergency at

the office. My seven
o'clock's back on and I'm late!

What'd I do?

I'll have to make my own breakfast
Now, I'm too tired to eat.

Absolutely. Consider it done. I'll stay
here all night if I have to. We're just

happy to be in business with
you. Bye-bye. What is it?

That Mr. O'Neill is on the line about
the parent/teacher meeting. I need know

which excuse to give.

Hmm. Tell him I have to do my pro bono
work with the free clinic. We haven't

used that one in a while. What?
You think I'm a rotten mother?

I would never say that, Helen.

But, you'd think it.

Um...

What? Do you agree with me or don't you?

May I go to the bathroom?

Of course you can! What kind of sl*ve
ship do you think we're running here?

Strange woman.

Oh, Eric. Did I tell you what a privilege
it was to watch you in that meeting

this morning? The way you just
reeled off he tax code was riveting.

What can I say? You build a top law
firm; you're bound to pick up a few tricks

afraid of a little
hard work... or a lot.

I know you're not. That's
what brings me in here today.

The retreat?

It's your turn, Helen. The
big dogs think you're ready.

I don't know what to
say. The whole family?

We want to get a look at Helen
Morgendorffer wearing all three hats; wife,

mother, lawyer. And, what we see may just
might lead to hat number four, partner.

I hate the way I look in hats.

A spa? Great, I need a facial so bad.

Don't get excited. This says it's a spa
for the soul. Didn't you sell yours a

while back?

Where's the milk?

Relax, Jake. The firm's paying.

We exercise your inside instead of your
outside. Good, my pancreas could really

use a workout.

Eww! What good is exercising if
you can't even see the results?

Quinn, this is about family togetherness.
We get to have fun while I get to show

I'm partner material.

I see; we're being graded on our family
life. Gee, look at the time. all ready.

Oh, Daria, don't be silly.

Now, we have to fill out these questionnaires
so I can fax them over. Isn't it

nice they want to get to
know us before we arrive?

Sure, so they'll know who to make into
a drone and who just to k*ll outright.

Jake, I could use some help here.

Ahh.

What?

Which animal would you rather
be; a dog, a seal or a lion?

How about a bat?

Bat's not an option.

Write it in.

Now explain your choice
in a brief sentence.

I've always wanted to sleep
upside-down and spread rabies.

Sounds more like it should go
under "Career Goals," but all right.

Okay world, meet Jane-Cam. All Jane,
all the time. Well, except naked time.

You don't even like having your picture
taken, and now you're going to have

strangers all over the country
observing your every move?

All over the world. It's a public service.
If my mundane little life can somehow

provide comfort to lonely web-trollers,
then I'll know my time here on Earth

wasn't wasted.

A noble cause. It suits you well.

And it requires practically no effort.

That's what I meant.

Beautiful. Now, remember to keep this
our little secret. I don't want the camera

to influence my guest's behavior.

Daria?

Jake! We're going to
be late, please step it.

What's the hurry? We've got plenty
of time. Sit back and smell the roses.

Which happen to have an aroma
very similar to gas fumes.

Sit back? Have you lost your mind?

Beautiful, beautiful tryptophane.

We'll score that, a yes.

Give me that!

Da-ad!

Helen! What's the problem?

Get out! I'm driving! Thinking a little
milk is going to calm you down? That's

the problem! Of all the
ridiculous ideas. Give me that!

Now remember, no sudden movements.

Uh-oh. Four flew into
the cuckoo's nest.

Hello, I'm Helen Morgendorffer. This is
my husband Jake and my daughters Quinn

and Daria.

Oh, so you're Daria.

You've heard of me?

Daria, we have a very nice room
for you. Do you like eggshell white?

Do you have anything in Jim Mack Gray?

Excuse me, what's going on here?

We analyzed your daughter's questionnaire,
and well, we're a little concerned.

We think it might be best if we put her
under what we call, "Intensive Observation."

It's about time.

Wait a minute, there's
nothing wrong with Daria.

Yeah, she's always like this.

Quinn! Our daughter has an eccentric
sense of humor, but she's perfectly fine.

Don't listen to her, she's
one of the Gamma People.

Doctors, I think we got our hopes
up. Better leave this one alone.

Can't we at least sedate her?

Sorry.

This is gonna be fun.

A little wider; we can't
see all your fillings.

Nice save.

Hello, Daria. I'm your one-on-one
counselor. Are you playing a game?

No, just talking to the computer.

Do you always talk to your computer?

Only when the refrigerator's mad at me.

Ah. You know, Daria, we often use humor
as a barrier to prevent others from

trying to get too close.

It doesn't seem to be
working on you, however.

What are you trying to hide?

Nothing. I love my mother very much and
feel that she'd make an excellent law

partner. Oh, dear. I
think I hear my ride.

Daria, why don't we have a nice talk?

All right, Helen. I thought me might
start off with a little word association.

Red.

Blue.

Pen.

Pencil.

Mag...

Subscription.

Mag... net.

Oh! Thought you were going to say magazine.
Hmm. Magnet. Um, metal. No, wait! I

can do better.

Relax...

Relax? How can I relax when
somebody says "relax" like that?

No. Relaxation. It's one of the words.

Oh, um, waste of freaking time.
Wait! Can I do that one over?

Isn't someone gonna talk here?

All right. How do you
feel about being here?

Hey, it's not my nickel.

Would that be a problem?

Well, considering this is
a work thing for my wife.

And, how does that make you feel?

How does what make me feel?

Being here, for your wife.

Fine.

Really?

A-Okay.

How long...

I'm fine with it!

All right. Moving on. Are
you feeling a little stressed?

Stressed? Why do people keep telling me
I'm stressed? If I weren't stressed, I'd

get stressed by everyone telling me I'm
stressed! Any milk around here? I need

some milk.

Uh-huh. How long have you
had this chemical dependency?

And sometimes conditioners are really
more like cream rinses and cream rinses

are more like conditioners, but you never
know until after you try them, and by

then, it's too late. Of course, that just
adds to all the pressure I'm all ready

under. I mean, you wouldn't believe all
the decisions I have to make. I wake up

feeling like it's a flat shoe day, but
after I brush my teeth, it starts to feel

more like a sandal day, and you just
can't go on what you're gonna be wearing on

your feet...

Mom's resentful that she has to work
so hard, which obscures her guilt about

actually wanting to work so hard. Dad's
guilty about being less driven than Mom,

but thinks it's wrong to feel that way.
So, he hides behind a smokescreen of

cluelessness. Quinn wears superficiality
like a suit of armor, because she's

afraid to looking inside and finding
absolutely nothing. And I'm so defensive

that I actually work to make people
dislike me so I won't feel bad when they do.

Can I go now?

Tell me, Daria. Have
you ever been hypnotized?

And then Sandi went out and got the
same shoes I had first, the cute little

t-straps with the glitter buckle. And
then, Stacy's like, "Sandi, I love your

sandals." Like, Sandi has such great
taste or something, when all she did was

copy me. I mean, everyone knows I wrote
the book on strappy sandals at Lawndale,

not an actual book of course, that would
make me some kind of an egghead freak.

Who do I talk to around
here to schedule a facial?

Excuse me. I think I hear an accent.

White shoes... eww.

You are safe and warm in your secure
cocoon. Just think of your favorite place.

Anywhere but here.

Ah-ha.

Excuse me, but we're working.

Why do you get the French guy?

You're absolutely right. You take
him. I'm going to my cocoon now.

Wait, Daria. Who are you?

I'm Quinn. Daria's... trainer.

Now, that's healthy.

I was just trying to hypnotize Daria
in order to transcend her resistance.

Oh, can I watch?

You are safe and calm, feeling a warm,
gentle breeze. Every bone in your body is

relaxing. Easy... easy.

At the count of ten, you will tell me
everything you're feeling with no resistance.

Oh Caesar, please don't poison me. I
could love you, but those togas make your

butt look so big.

Oh, God.

And what's with that headband?
Olive leaves are so BC.

Looks like she's experiencing
a past-life regression.

You've got the regression part right.

Help, someone help me! Some king wants
k*ll me for loving some soldier or

something before I've had time to pass
on my secret formula for eye liner. Oh

Caesar, ya big idiot! Do something!

Impressive grasp of history, but she
forgot the part where they all board Noah's

Ark for a Caribbean cruise.

Daria, I was afraid you had some rather
deep-seated problems. But I must say,

you're remarkably well
adjusted... considering.

You'd think someone would've invented
eye liner before me. But no, I, Cleopatra,

have to come up with all my beauty
products on my own. Oh, what a hard life.

At the count of ten, I will snap my
fingers, and hopefully remember none of this.

Well, I guess this
beats the dental floss.

Don't pick your nose.
Don't pick your nose.

Where's Jean-Michel?

I think he's in his office,
showing ink blots to Marc Anthony.

Why does he have so many patients?

Helen, Jake, let's take this time to
explore some of your life-partner issues.

Issues! I don't want to talk
about issues this morning!

Now calm down, Jake! We have nothing
to hide. I'm sure our issues aren't any

more serious than other highly
successful working couple.

That's what I mean!

Right, our issues
aren't any more serious.

Why don't we find out? Jake,
how are you feeling right now?

Actually, I'm...

Because, our commitment
to each other is so strong.

She's always interrupting me
like my opinions don't count!

But, you didn't say anything!

Helen, please let him finish.

Yeah!

Sorry.

Okay. Well... um...
that's all I wanted to say.

Doctor, I...

She thinks that just because she's the
big, fat lawyer, she can run right over me!

What Jake means is...

Helen, we're talking about Jake now.
We'll get to your control issues soon.

Control issues!

Damn straight! She tells me what to
do. how to drive, what to eat. She won't

even let me drink milk if I want to.
Innocent, pure milk. Got milk? Not Jakey!

Excellent Jake, excellent.

Oh, for the love of...

Helen, please.

Hey, I suddenly feel... lighter.
This therapy stuff really works.

Maybe I do use food for comfort. But
at least a chocolate bar never told me I

was an accident.

What did a chocolate bar say to you?

Jean-Michel? I want to do more
of that past-life repression.

Quinn, this is a private session.
We're discussing a very serious problem.

Oh. A problem? Have you considered vertical
stripes? They're a lot more slimming

than polka-dots.

Quinn! Out, now!

Okay.

Wait. Tell me more about
the vertical stripes

Could a steady diet of pet food bring
out the animal in you? Got a dog dish full

of love! Tonight, on Sick, Sad World!

Don't even think about it.

Wow, listen to him repeat the same phrase
over and over again without falling asleep.

Wiggle your butt and lip-synch at the
same time. That's star-power, baby.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, no. Oh, God.

This is too painful

Oh, look dear, the Kravits's are here.

Wow, what show was that?

All right, Morgendorffers. I've analyzed
the data from your individual sessions

and I realized what we need to do.

Finally, facials.

Actually, I think we need to wear
each others faces for a while.

Eww! Like that movie with
that guy and that other guy?

Can I do the surgery?

No, no, no. I'm talking
about a little role-playing.

I'll play the role of the
crazed surgeon. Scalpel.

I mean, why don't you
try being each other.

Aww.

Do you have a problem with that, Helen?

I think she was still being Daria.

Well, why don't you be Daria?

Oh God, just throw me in front
of a train, why don't you?

Oh, come on. I can't be
that bad, give it a try.

I just did.

All right, Daria. Now, can you be Quinn?

Okay.

Maybe the grown-ups can lead the way
here. Helen and Jake, go on. Switcharoo.

Um, gee, I don't know if I can
do this. Well, I'll give it a try.

Oh, hi Eric! No, just walked in. I
thought I'd make dinner for... what?

You have a hangnail? I'll be right over!

Uh-uh. Jake.

I mean... Dammit! I lost another
client! I can't understand why! Dammit!

Nobody likes poor old Jake. Should I
think about the reason? Oh, must be my

father's fault. Where's
the newspaper, dammit!

Look at the time! Gee, dear. You'll have
to tell me about your deepest fears and

worries when I get back. I've got
a big meeting, so I better run!

No matter, I'm not saying anything
relevant anyway. I'm lost in a fog, when I'm

not flying into a rage!

Oh, Jakey. Let me bring home the pizza.
I have to be the one doing everything so

everyone will thank me and tell me what
a big superwoman I am. I'm very, very

important and very, very stressed and I
don't have time to actually do anything

for anyone else, but I can
pretend I care, can't I?

Everybody hates me.

Are you being Daria now?

Stay with it everyone,
this is good stuff.

I've given everything I've got, but it's
just not enough. Well, I've got nothing

left to give.

Helen! Helen, wait!

That worked well.

Quinn, what do you think
about what just happened?

I think this spa would get a lot more
business if you just offered facials.

Oh.

Um, Mom, what are you doing?

Oh, I thought I'd just wait
in the car until we leave.

Tomorrow morning?

Well, at least I wouldn't be abandoning or
ignoring anyone. Or, ruining their lives.

Oh, come on, Mom.

Look what I've done to my family! Your
father feels completely neglected and

resentful. I've shut you out so many
times, you don't even try to talk to me,

and Quinn... well, I can't even think
about what happened there, not right now.

Oh my God, Daria! You didn't hear that!

Didn't hear a thing.

Daria.

Look, Mom. Dad has to feel neglected;
it's how he stays the center of attention.

And the reason I don't talk to you is
that I know you'll hang on my every word,

and frankly, who needs that kind of
responsibility? And as for Quinn, well, I

can't even think about
what happened there.

Oh, my.

So you get carried away with the job. Big
deal. You're just as committed to the family.

I try to be.

You're very grounded,
it's why you're half-crazy.

You really don't hate
me for working so hard?

I came to this stupid place and
pretended to be well-adjusted, didn't I?

Hmm.

Well, anyway. I came
to this stupid place.

Helen! Helen! Thank God I found you!

Look, Helen, about that superwoman stuff,
that wasn't me, that was the milk talking.

No, Jake. We both said some things
in the heat of the moment. Right?

Right.

Um, what'd you say again?

Never mind. First thing in the morning,
we're leaving, and I'll drive. I don't

like what that milk's done to your
acceleration. Not to mention what it's

probably doing to your cholesterol.

Cholesterol? Milk has cholesterol?

What's everyone doing out here?

Sharing a warm, family moment.

All right, all right. I can take a hint.

Look Eric. About that retreat.

Too late, I've already read the results.
"Helen Morgendorffer suffers from

overarching competitive aggression,
unhealthy self-involvement, a gross

insensitivity to others needs, and an
overriding conviction that she is always right."

I think what the counselors
are trying to say is...

Never mind. What I'm trying to say is:
congratulations! You're being put on the

partnership fast-track.

I am?

Of course! This willingness of yours to
put career ahead of family and home is

just the stick-to-itiveness we look
for in a partner. Come on! I heard their

lead attorney took paternity
leave last year. Hah!

The way I see it, the failure of Jane-Cam
speaks to the inability of the most

sophisticated technology to supplant
the most basic human emotions.

In other words, the inability of Tom to
appreciate the violation of his privacy?

You saw that?

Not just me, the world.

Not quite the world. Jane-Cam only got
eight hits the whole time and you were

three of them.

It's a small world after all.

Chim-chiminey,
chim-chiminey.

You and Tom have made up, no doubt.

We did, until he read the fan mail.

You got fan mail?

Well, Tom did. From some
inmates. He wasn't pleased.

Figures, he makes one lousy video, and
then forgets the people who made him

number one.

That's disgusting!
Chocolate cake for breakfast?

It's too early for lunch.

Dad! Aren't you gonna say anything?

What the hell is sodium
hexametaphosphate?

Morning! Gotta go. Big
meeting of the future partners.

Thanks, but I couldn't eat another bite.
The pancakes sure were scrumptious, though.

Hey! How come I didn't get any pancakes?