04x09 - Mart of Darkness

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Daria". Aired: March 3, 1997 - January 21, 2002.*
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Adult animated series about Daria who goes through teenage life as a proud outsider in a world of mainly idiotic adolescents and condescending adults.
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04x09 - Mart of Darkness

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh, yeah. The magic is happening now.

What magic? I'm not gonna
end up turned into frog, am I?

Fear not, oh Prince of the Suburbs.

I hate it when there's a
famine and nobody tells me.

You know Mom, she doesn't like to
clutter up the kitchen with food.

Now, all it needs is a
little color and, voila!

I'll just make the
deadline for the art fair.

You haven't seen my
art supplies, have you?

I left them here in a bowl.

Oops.

Dammit!

So then, Brooke showed up at
the party in acid-washed jeans

and tried to pass them off as retro.

I know! Who knows what she'll
have on at the barbeque.

Banana clips?

Oh no! Oh, my God! Oh no!

Accessory emergency.
Stacy, I have to go.

No Stacy, it's not you. It's not.

It's not! Okay, fine! It is you! Bye!

A vision of Christ in
a half-eaten candy bar?

Talk about "My Sweet Lord!" The Immaculate
Confection! Next, on Sick, Sad World.

I'm sorry, but Quinn's in
Kenya on safari. Good...

oh. Hey.

Want to go to that new warehouse store
with me to pick up some more art supplies?

I hear they've got a
state-of-the-art linoleum floor.

Thanks, but I think I'll stay here,
flat on my state-of-the-art ass.

Come on, you have to come with me.

There's safety in twos.

What about Tom?

Actually, we got in a
fight and he stormed out.

Took the kids too, the bastard.

What happened?

I'd rather not talk about it.

Then what's the fun of getting together?

Come on, I'll buy you a slice, after.

I guess I can pick up this lying
around project again tomorrow.

I just hope I don't lose my momentum.

So, you reached for your
boot and the lace was gone.

The kid is sick, I tell you. What
could she possibly want with a bootlace?

Maybe someone wore plaids with stripes
and the Fashion Club's planning a hanging.

How many slices are you buying me?

Let's just make it a pie.

Doug Thompson scores and
lifts his buns high in the air!

Hey folks, welcome to the annual
Lawndale High football barbeque.

Grab some food, make yourself at home,

and feel free to toss
around the old pigskin.

And if she objects, use a football.

I see where Kevin gets his charm.

Yeah, Mr. Thompson's funny.

- Oh, shut up.
- Okay.

Halt! Mr. DeMartino, you know very well

that you are no longer allowed to
consume food at school functions,

what with your abysmal behavior
at last year's bake sale.

Loading up your trunk
with leftover bundt cake.

Ms, Li. I explained to you at the time

that I was merely trying to
stretch a food budget drawn tight!

Drawn tight by what?

By trying to make ends meet
on a shoeshine boy's salary!

Now get out of my way.
I want chips and dip!

Restraining order!

Was that Anthony? He sounded upset.

Oh, no. He was telling
a very clever joke

that ends with a fellow falling
onto a spike! Most amusing.

Thank you for picking
up the food, Timothy.

Now, if you'll just give me the receipts
so I can... so the school can write it off.

I must say, it's commendable
of the Thompsons to provide us

this opportunity to bond with
our students in a relaxed setting.

Still, I wonder if Mr. Thompson shouldn't
be setting, well, a slightly better example.

Never mind that. I want you to
talk to him about Kevin's grades.

We can't afford to have
our quarterback suspended

for something as petty
as academic performance.

Lousy, stinking statewide requirements!

Hey, where's the barbeque sauce?

You can't have meat
without barbeque sauce!

Who's the idiot that picked up the food?

Keep it down, we have company.

I'm sure Kevin will be
happy to go get some.

Besides, he could use
a change of scenery.

Isn't it beautiful?

My Kevie gave it to me to
show how much he loves me!

Aw, babe. You're like, worth it.

Kevin, your father needs
you to run to the store

for some barbeque sauce.

I'll go with you.

Oh, Brittany, you don't
have to leave the party.

Kevin is perfectly capable of
bringing back the sauce on his own.

But really, Mrs. Thompson, I don't mind.

Brittany, read my lips.

Damn!

It was, "Damn," right?

I just love laundry detergent
boxes. They're so... happy!

Wow, these must be for
really big machines.

Anyway, what were we supposed to get?

Um, I thought you were gonna remember.

Me? Your mother told you.

Don't sweat it, babe. Whatever it
was, we'll remember when we see it.

- Our memories will go jogging.
- Okay.

Wow. I could never get
Tom into a store like this.

And some day, he'll tell me his secret.

Shoppers, it's twelve noon. And that
means... the sample stations are open!

One per customer. I said,
one free sample per customer.

Great. A feeding frenzy,
and me without any chum.

This could get ugly.

You're right. I'll go back to aisle
thirty and get some lounge chairs.

No time. I've gotta go home and finish my statue
or I'll miss the deadline for the art fair.

Okay, then. Where do you
think they hide the bootlaces?

Hmm. Probably about sixty aisles
away from the art supplies.

Hey, there's a salesperson, let's ask.

Excuse me, miss?

It's good to know what
they save on air vents,

they spend on customer relations.

You don't do well in overheated,
overcrowded, grimy warehouse stores, do you?

- Hey, Tom.
- Hi, Trent.

Is Jane around?

You just missed her. She
and Daria went to Payday.

What day?

You know, that warehouse
store that just opened?

Hey, that was a pretty good
fight you had last night.

Yeah, sorry we woke you. Do
you know where this store is?

I figure we should talk.

Actually, I could take you over
there. I need to get a new headlight.

Do they have scented candles?

I'm all out and I haven't
had a bath in a week.

You're riding in back.

This yard is quite unkempt.

I know. They should
really get a lawn makeover.

And, who are all those old people?

They must be Mr. and
Mrs. Thompson's friends.

I didn't know that
teachers were gonna be here!

Ms. Li's legs are bare!

Um, Mr. Thompson...

Hey! How are ya? Call me, Doug.

Okay, uh, um, Doug. I wanted
to talk to you about Kevin.

He's a great kid, isn't he?

Hey, did you see the game on
Sunday? Did the Cowboys kick ass?

Of course, what's important
is not whether you win or...

Boy they really kicked, um... butt.

Yeah, man. They kicked butt!

Great, this stupid boot
is giving me a blister.

Cheer up, a little indigestion and
you'll forget all about your foot.

Have a Lincoln Cheese-Flavored Log.
Made from the finest ingredients.

Jane
- Food substitute?

Call me a purist, but I don't
think that cheese should crunch.

Doesn't the phrase, "beechwood
aged" mean anything to you?

Excuse me, ma'am. Do these finest
ingredients include mercury?

Do you want them to include mercury?

Hey, there she is! Yo! Wait up!

Excuse me, girls,

but could one of you get a box of chocolates
off of the top of this stack for me?

I don't want to topple it.

Actually, we're kind of in a rush.

See, my doctor told me not
to exert myself suddenly.

I had this seizure a while back.

Um, sure.

Oh, cheez logs! I'll be right back.

That seemed pretty sudden.

Hold out, Anthony.

It's almost noon! You can do it!

Mr. D! I thought you were at the
barbeque. What are you doing here?

I'm sorry if my shopping
cart has confused you, Kevin!

I'm here for the command
performance of Madame Butterfly!

In the automotive department!

Wow, Kevie. This store
really does have everything.

No kidding, babe. Have
fun at the butterfly show.

Thank you, Kevin.

Cheez logs! But... but...

Damn, cheap watch!

Look at this place. I can't
believe people actually shop here.

Kind of cool, huh?

What would anyone do
with that much ketchup?

Um, put it on hamburgers?

Gee, Quinn. How are all of us going to use
that sunscreen if you can barely get any out?

How are all? Oh, no.

Quinn, I hope you haven't forgotten
that it was your assignment

to bring the sunscreen for
the entire Fashion Club.

Unless, you want us to get wrinkles.

Oh, Sandi, I hope you don't think that.

I've always said your creamy complexion
is one of your most attractive features.

Um, should I go to the
store and get some more?

If, you don't mind.

Oh, no. I'd be happy to.

And, since you're going
anyway, I'm out of moisturizer.

And I'm out of
cran-raspberry lip gloss.

Me, too.

Fine, I'll go to that new place.
They probably have everything.

Hi, girls.

Oh, Quinn! Wait up.

Is this mozzarella?

Is that your favorite kind of cheese?

Yeah.

Then, it's mozzarella.

Come on. We're never gonna find
Jane if we keep standing around.

Hey, man.

It's mozzarella.

Kevie, my feet are k*lling me!

Maybe we should call
your dad and ask him...

That's... that's my locket! The one
you said you bought at Cashman's!

Four ninety-nine! Is
that all I'm worth to you?

They made a mistake!
Who put that dot there?

It's supposed to say,
um, a whole lot more!

But babe! You see, that
locket was only temporary.

Until I could save up the money to
buy you a really, really expensive one.

What do you think I am? Stupid?

Wait. Are you asking if I think you're
stupid, or are you just calling me stupid?

Babe!

Mr... uh, Doug. About Kevin.

You're right. Where the hell is he?

I sent him off an hour ago.

I'm sure Brittany's holding him up.

Doug, that girls gonna
get in a family way

and Kevin will have to get a
job and never go to college!

Whoa, hold on there, Momma Bear.

I'm sure Kevin will be
more careful than we were.

Well, what do you think,
Timbo? You know Brittany.

You think she's the opportunity
gets knocked up type?

Actually, I was more
concerned about Kevin.

Great kid, isn't he?

May I inquire as to what is in these?

Why, the very best cheese alternative.
Deep fried in nature's own cooking oil.

At a thousand calories a piece,
they're a meal in themselves.

Um, sir. Please save some
for the rest of the store.

I'm sorry, I must've missed the
sign that says "one per customer."

Delicious!

Excuse me, are these free samples?

- Yes.
- No.

This place is so wrong.

Quinn Morgendorffer, is
this your idea of a joke?

Sandi, no, I've never
been to this store before.

Otherwise, I'd never
suggest we come here.

I see. As President of the Fashion Club,

I'm calling an emergency
meeting, right now.

But Sandi, I swear this shirt is a hundred
percent cotton! It just looks like a blend.

Stacy. If you're finished with your
unsolicited outburst on fiber content,

I'd like to call your
attention to the fact

that we're surrounded by
moving fashion violations.

So, we should try to help these people?

Don't be silly. Some
people are beyond help.

Right.

Now listen carefully.

We are to proceed directly to
the health and beauty aisle,

pick up our supplies, and go
straight to the cash register.

Unless Stacy wants to tell
us what her shoes are made of.

All right, then. Follow me.

Aw, crap. We'll never
get out of here in time.

Hey! The sales girl!

Wow, here's what I was looking for.

Gummy bears? I thought
you needed art supplies.

These are art supplies.

When you put these
babies in a microwave,

they melt into an incredible
stained glass-like mosaic.

The goop also works
as a k*ller adhesive.

Gee, does it remove pet stains, too?

Scoff all you want, but I'd
been sorting them by colors,

gathering up compatible
materials for weeks,

and I was finally all set to make
this incredible work of art when...

When, what?

When... Tom ate my gummy bears!


So Tom ate them,

even though he knew you
needed them for the statue.

That was pretty inconsiderate.

Well, now that I think about it,

I may not have actually told
him they were for my statue,

but he should've known!

Definitely, since they were probably
right there, next to your paints,

unless he eats paint, too.

Um, the gummy bears were in
a bowl on the kitchen counter.

But, they were in
plain view of my statue!

I don't have a leg to stand on, do I?

I'd rather not answer that, Stumpy.

Aw, hell.

Look, Tom's reasonable enough.

Maybe if you just talked it out.

Sounds sort of drastic.

Then, how about this?

Serve him some frozen lasagna
and tell him you're sorry

you haven't been around much lately,
but as soon as you get some time off,

you're gonna do something fun together
and really catch up on each other's lives.

You know, Helen ought to right a book.

Quick! Before she disappears again!

These containers are
so... yuck... plain!

And look, the names aren't even French.

Really. Where are the small,
pleasantly shaped bottles?

These gallon sizes are
gonna stretch our purses.

But guys! This whole thing
is only five, ninety-nine!

Five, ninety-nine? Like I would
compromise my skin with cheap moisturizer?

Come on, let's go.

Hello. Complimentary cheez log?

Cheese?

Well, I suppose, if they're low calorie.

Excuse me, miss. How many
calories are in these?

None. None, at all.

Well, here are the gummy
bears. but no sign of Jane.

Whoa. Look at all those gummy bricks.

We should stock up
for our next road trip.

I wonder which ones have
the longest van life?

I can't keep stoking
these coals forever.

Dammit, where's that kid of mine?

Actually, we could us this
little break constructively,

by having a talk regarding
Kevin's academic performance.

Hey, I wanted to talk to you
about that, too. Have a brewsky.

Back off, it's mine!

Excuse me, madam! But, possession
in nine-tenths of the law!

Oh, that's it! I'm down to one log!

I've got to go all the
way to the back for more.

I'm banishing you both
from this table right now!

Go to the tire section and find
some nice rubber to gnaw on.

You'll pay for this.

I'm a teacher! Try to collect!

Come on, babe. Let me make it up to you.

I'll get you anything you want.

Anything?

Um, sure.

Kevin, Brittany, I
want to ask you a favor.

They're, um, only serving people

who's name start with letters in
the first part of the alphabet.

Like "K", and "B."

But isn't "D" in the first part?

An astute observation, Brittany! But,
uh, "M," as in Mister DeMartino, is not.

Yeah, babe.

I need to taste the cheez logs for,
um, a big student appreciation party

I'm planning in class. Would you
mind getting me on or ten samples?

Sure!

One of those square headlights
might look kind of cool.

Hmm. Might not fit my car.

Might not? Trent, what's the year
and model number of your headlight?

Hmm, I bet that's important.

Here you go, Mr. D.

Thank you, Brittany! Yum!

You! Out!

Hey, you can't do this to me!

Thug! Jackboot! By the way, mind
telling me how much you make?

Caught ya!

Andrea?

Well, you found me.

Now you can make fun of
the pathetic goth chick

whose parents make her work at a
crappy job in a stupid warehouse store.

Go on, cut me up like
you do everyone else.

I just want a shoe lace.

Besides, I don't think we could cut
you up any better than you just did.

Oh, shoe laces. Aisle b.

Thanks. Um, we never saw you.

We never saw each other.

Look! A case of
rasp-cranberry lip gloss.

Um, babe, maybe we've
already got enough stuff.

You're right. I probably
won't need flavored lip gloss.

Seeing as how I won't be
kissing anyone anytime soon.

Well Doug, I'm shocked pleased,

that you're as concerned about
Kevin's academic performance as I am.

Damn straight. You
know what we need to do?

Cut back on things that distract
my son from what's really important.

I couldn't agree more.

Football!

Now, there's gotta be some
arrangement you can make

so Kevin can stop
worrying about his grades

and concentrate on bringing
home the state championship.

I'm, I'm not sure what you're saying.

Aw, hell. I'm saying, just pass the boy.

Oh, dear!

Remind me to pay for these.

Hey, nothing says "I'm sorry"
like an Herb Grow Road k*ll.

I hope Tom doesn't already have one.

Hey, if we leave now, I might
make that deadline after all.

I'm sure we'll be out in
two hours. Three, tops.

Those boysencranse
straw candles stink, man.

Yeah, chicks like 'em though.

What is that smell?

Gee, Stacy, do you think
you got enough cotton balls?

But, I'm completely out and this
is the smallest bag they had.

I just hope people don't see that

and assume you have a
huge skin oil problem.

Oh, no!

Kevie! You really do care.

Of course I do, babe.

Um, babe? I feel like
we forgot something.

Lip gloss, perfume,
flowers, I don't think so.

Cool!

Finally, the light at the
end of the roach motel.

Hot grease!

Freeze!

Of course.

Perhaps if I worked
with Kevin after school.

Look! Either pass the boy
or get off my property!

Leave him alone, you
testosterone-crazed Neanderthal!

You gonna let a woman fight
your battles for you? You whus!

Now, Doug...

Payday is currently experiencing
a temporary power outage.

Sales of butane, propane, methane,
gasoline and other combustibles

will be temporarily suspended until the sprinklers
and ventilation system are working again,

and we can get the damn doors open.

Thank you for shopping the Payday way.

Oh, no!

Kevie, someone stole our cart!

Kevie?

Will whoever has their hand on my
butt please remove it, this instant.

Daria?

Yeah?

Gummy bear?

Tom eats Jane's Gummy Bears Our Lady Peace
- Is Anybody Home?

opening of BBQ scene
Wendy Rene - Bar B-Q

Fashion Club arrives at BBQ DMX
- Party Up (Up In Here)

Daria and Jane standing in front of Pay Day Sash!
- Mysterious Times

st commercial bumper
Wendy Rene - Bar B-Q

first sh*t of Kevin and Brittany in Pay Day Ded Prez
- Hip Hop

Mr. DeMartino eating cheese logs Suede
- Electricity

nd commercial bumper Jay Z
- Big Pimpin'

Mr. DeMartino and Mrs. Johansen fighting over cheese log Sash!
- Mysterious Times

Jane and Daria discover Andrea working at Pay Day Cypress Hill
- Rock Superstar

end of Andrea's scene Manic Street Preachers
- If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next

Daria tying her new shoelaces Amel Larrieux
- Get Up

Mr. DeMartino tripping over cord and causing blackout Sash!
- Mysterious Times
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