04x10 - Legends of the Mall

[bunniefuu]

It's legal, and tender, but
someone's getting shortchanged! Little

cross-dressers and the women who love
them, coming up next on Sick, Sad World.

If that woman were Judy Garland, this
might make sense on a couple of levels.

Come on! Darn! Move! You're a car! That's
what you do, that's all you do! Now do it!

Ah, the eternal struggle
between man and machine.

And this time, it's personal.

Hello.

You're nothing but a...
a damn radio with doors!

No, Dad and his inner child
are playing in the driveway.

But, he was supposed to
pick us up at the mall.

He's discussing that with the car right
now, but the car seems to be saying,

"You're taking the bus."

The what?

The bus. It's like a bigger car, only
with old men sleeping sitting up, at

least, I hope they're sleeping.

Hello? Hello? Great, the phone's dead.

So, when is your
father gonna pick us up?

He's not. Um, someone said
we have to take the bus.

Quinn, no offense or anything,
but humor is not your forté.

Sandi, I would never joke about taking
public transportation. Some things just

aren't funny.

I can't believe no guy
would give us a ride.

Maybe we shouldn't make them wait in
the car anymore while we shop. Remember

last summer when Jeffy got all dehydrated
and his tongue was hanging out and stuff?

Well, yeah.

Clearly not enough sunscreen.

Guys, I think the bus is this way.

But I told Helen I'd pick Quinn up.
Now, she'll never trust me to do anything

again. I'll pick up Quinn, Jake, you'll
just forget. Stay out of the kitchen

Jake, you'll just break the stove! Don't
polish your father's boots Jake, you

haven't earned the damn right!

He's not gonna start looking for
wiretaps under the floorboards, is he?

No, I think speaking in tongues is next.

And what if Quinn gets lost? It'll
be my fault. It's always my fault.

As long as she gets lost with the
fashion club, I don't see the problem.

Shallow graves for shallow people.

Well, I'll show Helen. I'll pick up
Quinn and make the lasagna. When Jake

Morgendorffer says he'll do something,
he dues it, I mean does it. Dammit!

Daria, if I don't come back, remember to
take the plastic lid off the lasagna if

you cook it in a conventional oven.

Oh, father, don't
even think such things.

Wait, Trent's got a car, sort of.

Great! We'll take his car.

What's wrong? It's safe, isn't it?

Well, it's no Pinto.

Yeah, you have to hit those
before they'll burst into flames.

Excuse me, but this isn't my street.

No problem, just click your heels and
say, "There's no place like home." Only,

do it outside, this
is the end of the line.

This place is weird.

What was that noise?

Stacy, you're not wearing
those bangles again, are you?

Of course not, Sandi. Oh, no!
It's the Rattling Girl of Lawndale!

Stacy, everyone knows that story was
just made up by unpopular people to try to

scare popular people
into becoming unpopular.

What story?

You know...

It was like, a hundred years ago. There
was this girl that was really cool. I

think they said she was a "groovy
chick." Anyway, she was popular.

Like, they way your hanging
that bunting is a real drag.

Yeah, a drag.

How about this?

Solid

Boss.

Far out. But it would be
farer out if it were higher.

Really?

Just a sixteenth of an inch.

Hey, why didn't you take my word for it?

Because, she's more with it.

Yeah, she's almost perfect.

I thought I was perfect.
What's almost perfect about me?

That's when the whole thing started.
She looked at like, every square inch of

her body, trying to figure
out what was wrong. And then...

It's my eyelids. They're fat!

So she cut her diet in half, drinking
only one one-calorie Tab a day. And, she

lost like, an eight of an ounce,
just in time for the big dance.

That chick is a tangerine dream.

Oh, no! She's perfect!

Dig it!

Ow! Bummer.

And she was perfect. The
most popular girl ever.

Can I, um, dance near you?

Oh, all right. But not too close. I
don't want you to block anyone's view.

That was the first time they heard it.

That noise is laying
a head trip on me, man.

I can't groove.

Who let the Third World
Solidarity Club pick the music?

It's not the music.

Eep! It's her!

It was her. I was the
rattling of her bones.

Oh! I'll get even for this!

And that was the last
anyone ever saw of her.

But it wasn't the last
they'd heard of her!

Ahhh!

It was terrible. I closed my eyes for
one second, and there she was, trying to

bite off my eyelids.

We can never close our eyes again.

I know! Not even to take off mascara.

She stalked all the popular girls.
Even some medium popular ones. They were

afraid to sleep and their eyes
got a bloodshot and icky looking.

Hi! What's happening?

Whoa! Your face, it's
freaking me out, man.

Here's the scary part. One by
one, they became, unpopular.

Well, I for one, don't believe that
story. I mean, everyone knows you can't be

too thin.

Oh, yeah. Were anyone's
eyelids really eaten?

Tiffany, dear. Eyelid consuming monsters
simply do not exist. Only an extremely

gullible loser would believe
such a laughable tale.

Yeah.

You say this thing's safe?

It's an adventure on wheels.

Adventure on wheels? Adventures can be
good. Um, you're gonna steer with both

hands when we're actually moving, right?

Unless I think of some lyrics on the road
and have to write 'em down. You understand.

Oh, sure! Help me?

Maybe these two shouldn't be left alone.

I was starting to feel
the old wanderlust anyway.

But, how are we gonna fit
four more people into the car?

It's been done before, and
this time, there's no drum kit.

What's that funny smell?

It wasn't so funny when it happened,
but it's a really great story.

That's why you use a bottle instead
of one of those little milk cartons,

especially when you're driving.

Uh, oh.

What?! What? What happened?

Janey?

Seven, eight, nine, ten.

Nice counting.

I can go all the way up to twenty.

Whew. Thought we were going to
be stranded there for a minute.

No way. We don't want to be caught out
here by these woods. Especially at night.

Really? Why not?

Roving bands of embittered squirrels?

Nah, it's because of... Metalmouth.

What?

Metalmouth.

Oh.

Metalmouth started out
as a metal shop teacher.

You're assignment: make a shoeshine box.
A real shoeshine box! Out of iron, and

flame, and sweat! Not like those sissy
shoeshine boxes those hammer-tapping

punks are making in wood shop. Metal!
Substance of strength, and honor!

Is the class where you make surf boards?

But the teacher had this bad
habit. He'd grind his teeth.

See this? This is a chuck. Done anyone
know what happens if you turn on a drill

press with a chuck left in it?

Uh, it'll fly off and hit your head
and make it squirt blood and stuff.

Very good.

Even when he slept.

Kids! Varnish in their
hair! Makes 'em stupid!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Until he ground his
teeth down to nothing.

That's the last of them. Now normally,
this is where we'd fit you for dentures.

But you're a teacher, right? Okay,
then. Here's some baby food coupons. The

strained carrots are gonna
take some getting used to.

He was kind of hoping that no-one would
notice he didn't have any teeth. But

they did, especially one kid.

Ath I wath thaying.

Yeah, what were you thaying?

What do you think you're doing?
You're gonna piss him off.

Hey, he knows I'm just kidding around.

Ath I wath thaying, you may find thith
to be of great uthe inside your prithon

thell. Thomething I thee in motht of
your futures. Now, can anyone tell me the

difference between a file and a rathp.

A what?

A rathp.

Excuse me?

A rathp!

Some say that's what drove him to madness,
others say, you know, no. Anyway, one

night, he got this idea.

Yo, DMC, watch this. Golly, teach. I
seem to have forgotten what you taught us

yesterday. What did you say this was?

It's a RAAASSSP!

He'd made himself a set of
hand-forged steel dentures.

Would anyone care to see
my new teeth in action?

But those dentures had one fatal flaw.

Of course, some of you may take comfort
in the fact that the rocks inside your

heads are harder than wood. But, I assure
you that... girls just wanna have fun!

They picked up radio stations.

So, if I may return to our discussion
on drill safety, this is the chuck and...

... not the fortunate one, cause girls
just wanna, they just... Wait a minute.

Chucks... just wanna have fun! That's
why you don't... just wanna, they just

wanna, girls...

What a doof.

Hey, I know what's fun.
Let's drill a hole in my shoe.

Yeah, he was finished at Lawndale High,
but he wasn't finished teaching some

kids a lesson or two.

Did you hear something?

Um, my lunch?

No, stomach stuff is gurgly.
This was... different.

Raccoons, baby. Raccoons.

Oh, I like that song!

Aww, babe. It's a chick song.

In case you haven't
noticed, I'm a chick.

Oh, all right. I'll turn it
up. Hey, the radio's not on.

Did you hear that?

Not me. I didn't hear anything
scratching at the door. I'm not scared.

Babe, I...

Ahh!!!

I'm sorry I got so scared.

Hey, you can't help it that you've
got a female, scaredy-cat brain.

I mean, now that I think of it, it
was all pretty funny. Ha, ha, you know.

But, she was right to be scared.

Because all four tires were flat. Bitten...
to... flatness. And there, on the door

handle, a set of steel,
hand-forged, teeth.

Eww.

And the moral of this story is,
don't open car doors with your molars.

I don't get it. Why was the same song
always on the radio? And, why didn't he

get sports and weather?

Hey, the truth isn't always rolled up
in a neat little package you can carry in

your wallet.

Nor, should it ever
be washed and re-used.

Daria, you don't think Quinn's
lost in those woods, do you?

I doubt it, there's
nothing to buy there.

You're right, maybe we should
all try to think like Quinn.

Okay, who wants their
frontal lobes removed first?

But Sandi, I'm afraid to knock on that
door. What if some fat, old man in an

undershirt answers.

Brrr.

Fine, let's go to the next house. I
don't like the statue thingy anyway.

What about here?

Striped curtains.

Cutsie mailbox, please.

By the time we find a house, we'll
be home. Hey, how about this one?

Carport.

Just a little steam. We'll
let it cool off for an hour.

An hour! Jane-o, can't
you do that counting thing?

It doesn't work if the car's on fire.

On fire? Better make it two hours.

Dammit! Let me take a look at it.

Um, Dad.

Hot! Hot! Blisters, dammit!

You try to raise them to think.

Hey, what do you know, the car
d*ed right in front of that house.

Not asking.

The haunted house.

Not encouraging in any way.

The House of Bad Grades.

Why do I not bother?

This happened back when America was all
upbeat, clean-cut and expecting to be

blown up any minute.

This family had just built your
average b*mb shelter in their back yard.

How do you like the shelter, kids?

It's swell!

Oh, you. You've been showing
off that b*mb shelter all day.

You gotta admit, it's
the best on the block.

I'll give you that, you big lug
Now, you all come in for dinner.

Let me guess, casserole.

Mom, can't we eat in the b*mb
shelter? I feel so safe there.

Kitten's right! We can all have canned
peaches and evaporated milk! You know,

break the place in.

But Honey, if you eat the food now,
there won't be anything left for

post-nuclear survival.

Ah, I guess Mom's right.
Okay, everybody in for dinner.

You know honey, sometimes,
you really think like a man.

Thanks.

Honey, do I have time for a few cigarettes
before seconds on your pork, cheese

and mashed potato surprise?

Yep, it was a different time.

Why don't you have a smoke later; when
you tack up the asbestos in the shelter?

You know, if the cold w*r ends, that
b*mb shelter's gonna make for a pretty

depressing rec room.

The cold w*r? End? But then,
I'd look like a G-D idiot!

Ah!

Let's all cross our fingers and hope
they do drop the big one. Only problem is,

there won't be anyone left to
tell you how smart you were.

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

Why do you have to scare her like that?
You know how your sister worries about

the lack of survivors
affecting her popularity.

After a while, everyone forgot about
getting blown up, everyone except that girl.

If I'm not getting vaporized, then I'll
have to switch to plan "B" for getting

out of Lawndale. College.

So one night, she sat down to write an
early admissions essay. It had to be in

the mail the next morning. And then...

Oh, beautiful, for spacious
skies, for amber waves of grain.

I can't write with all this noise.

Come on guys! Watch the toes now. Hey,
how do you like what the boys are working

up for the jamboree? No-one will
ever accuse these kids of being Reds.

Don't you think you can protect
democracy better outdoors?

What? Can't hear you.

One more page of green stamps, and
I can get that radium-dial clock!

Mom, there's too much noise.
I've gotta write my college essay.

You can do it here, while you help me
get these walnuts out of the jello. I keep

forgetting the boys don't like walnuts.

College? Ah, you'll get over
that, once you meet the right man.

Or even the wrong one.

And then, she remembered the
little house that paranoia built.

Why I want to attend college. First
and foremost, college is not here.

I got the idea from that Pete Seeger
fella on Steve Allen. We're all brothers!

If we learn to live together, we won't
need b*mb shelters. That's why I'm

putting in a deluxe barbeque pit. Weenies
for all men, and for you girls, too.

The kids will be so surprised.

That was putting it lightly. You see,
the girl fell asleep and nobody knew she

was there. Otherwise, I doubt
if they would've entombed her.

Well, at least I can have canned peaches
for breakfast. Great, no can opener.

Then it dawned on her, not only could
she starve to death, she might never, ever

get out of Lawndale.

Dad, you G-D idiot.

You know neighbor, you're right.
Weenie roasts can promote understanding.

Your kids can come to our school any
time. They won't even need the National

Guard.

Say. You're daughter's a pip,
but where's your other daughter?

The one that's not a pip? We think she
ran off to be a beatnik. Never should've

bought her those bongos.
Hey! Who wants a weenie!

Forget the weenies, get
me a damn can opener.

Did you say something?

Nope. You?

Nope. Maybe we better
lay off the martoonies.

Time passed, the family moved away and
other families moved in. The wheel of

life turned, but it had a
major stick in the spokes.

Another "F!" How can I feel better about
myself when you're failing every course?

And don't you dare give
me that tired old excuse.

But Mom! The answers were
right last night, I swear!

Another "F?" Way to go, Einstein.

Ahh!

You see, the vengeful spirit of that
girl remains there still, exacting her

terrible retribution on the
living and those not yet born.

If I can't leave this God-forsaken
town and go to college, no-one will!

Oh, come on.

Scoff if you will, but every kid who's
lived in the House of Bad Grades since is

working minimum wage in Lawndale to
this day. What do you say to that?

Scoff.

Quinn! Quinn! Over here! Quinn!
Quinn! Honey, I was so worried!

This spirit, does she also possess fathers
and turn them into public embarrassments?

Wait, that is Quinn.

There goes my new sewing room.

Dad, it's you... and some
people. Um, anyway, gotta go.

But, how will you get home?

Duh, Dad. We're only
two blocks away. Bye.

Gee, Quinn. What was your father and
that girl who lives with you doing with

that car?

What girl? I didn't see any girl.

Two blocks?

Why didn't you realize that?

I don't know. Is that the House of
Deteriorating Senses of Direction?

Guess we might as well start walking.

What about your car?

It'll be here in the morning. No-one
ever steals it, don't know why.

Done! Just in time!

Hi, Honey. See, we're all home and eating
the lasagna I prepared. Yep, give old

Jake a task and it gets done, by golly!

Hmm, I better get my car to the
shop first thing in the morning.

Your car's broken too? I
can't live like this, Mother.

Not that a little auto trouble stopped
me from making sure our daughter got home

safely. Not Big Jake Morgendorffer.

That's nice, dear. You know, it was the
strangest thing. I was at a stoplight on

that road near the woods, and I heard
this song, but the radio wasn't on. And

then the door started making the funniest
sound. A metallic sound, maybe the

door's broken or something. Well, the
noise stopped after I drove away, but I

think I should still get it looked at.