05x03 - Fat Like Me

[bunniefuu]

Then it's unanimous. Under no
circumstances will the Fashion Club accept

applicants with stubby fingertips.
Stacy, what is the next membership

qualification on our agenda?

Weight guidelines. Unless you
want to talk about something else.

If it's all right with you, Stacy, I
prefer to conduct this meeting in an

orderly fashion. That said, I move we
scale back the number of allowable pounds

by three.

Um, Sandi, I think it's a really cute
idea and all, but it might make it really

hard to find new members.

Obviously, I'm the only one in this room
concerned with the burgeoning obesity

problem tearing apart the
very fabric of our land.

Not the fabric!

If I must stand alone in setting exemplary
standards for others to follow, so be

it. You're all overruled. Next topic.

That's mine! Give it back!

Forget it, jerko!

Um, the next topic is eyelash density.

You suck! You suck!

Excuse me.

Shut up, you little brats!

Give me the remote!

My leg! It's broken!

Wow, you were right. There really are
more ZooZoo Drops in a box than Juicy Joes.

I'm just grateful for the
opportunity to enlighten. Now pay up.

Give me a chance to win my money back
first? See Kevin over there? I bet this

five that within ten minutes he'll stun
and amaze his friends by crushing a can

to his head.

Nah. It's more of a "covering his eyes
with pepperonis and pretending he's blind"

kind of a day.

You're on.

I'm blind! I'm blind!

So many talents. He really should
run off and join the circus.

Or just run off.

And the doctor said Sandi's leg will
be in a cast for at least a month. Poor

Sandi. Crutches don't go with anything.

That's the same thing those land mine
victims are always complaining about.

Damn it! This article says restaurants
won't serve meat rare anymore! Some crap

about gastroenterological disorders.

But Jake, you order well done anyway.

Once in a while, a man wants
a slab of bloody red steak!

Isn't anybody listening?!

Oh, hi, Quinn. Didn't hear you come in.

Fine. If no one cares then
I'll just go to my room.

Quinn! Come back. Of course
we want to hear about Stacy.

Sandi!

And then I said, "You can't wear sneakers
to Chez Pierre," and he said he didn't

know that.

You know, a guy once took
me to a chain restaurant.

No! Tell us about it.

Really?

Hello? Sandi! How are you feeling?

How do you think I'm feeling? I can't
even give myself a pedicure with this

stupid cast.

So then, it's good
that you can't go out.

Are you sure you don't want to
have this meeting at your house?

Yes, I'm sure. Unless it's too confusing
for you to follow what I'm saying from

this speakerphone.

Don't be silly, Sandi.

Silly? Gee, Quinn. Is there anything
else you'd like to call me while I'm not

there to defend myself in person?

What I meant was...

Excuse me. I have a call.

It's Cashman's. I'll
have to call you back.

Poor Sandi. Too bad she's not here. I've
really missed her these past few weeks.

Oh, yeah...

Yeah.

Brittany. Would you care to tell us some of
the factors leading up to the Great Depression?

Um, when people realized they had
no money they got really depressed?

Brittany, explain something. Do you
perhaps harbor a powerful phobia that it

might actually hurt to think?

Um, I think that's pronounced "pheebia."

Would anyone else care to broadcast
their complete lack of education?!

Bet you ten he'll say "imbeciles."

I'm going to go with "morons."

I see. Perhaps it's my own stupidity
that allows me to think I could actually

impart wisdom to a bunch of...

Say it.

Starts with an "m."

Imbecilic morons!

You know, these little bets have
cost you clams so far. If I had a

self-image, I'd think you were
bribing me to be your friend.

Bet you the whole I'm not.

Nice try.

Wait. Clams?

Guys, guys! Jackie is wearing
green shoes with yellow socks!

I never did like her.

I don't believe it.

I know. I couldn't believe it, either.

No, I mean it's Sandi.
She's come back to school.

And she's...

Fat...

Gee, Tiffany, why don't you take
a picture? It will last longer.

But I don't have a camera.

I mean, you can stop staring at me.

We weren't staring. We were, um...
looking at your skirt. It looks really cute

over that cast.

You can hardly tell
you've gained... a cast.

Hi, guys!

Quinn! You spoke to us!

Can I walk you to class?

No, me!

Guys, look who's back! Sandi.

This can't be happening. I'm
ruined! Why me? Oh, God, why me?

Sandi wasn't in Mr. O'Neill's class,
either, so she must have left school. Gee,

I hope it doesn't have anything to do
with, well, you know... not that she looks

that bad.

I know. She looks really good for a fat
person. She could inspire fat people.

Stacy, I don't think we should use
the "F" word when talking about Sandi.

Right. She could inspire the thinly
challenged everywhere. Like, travel around

the world in a Winnebago and show
people you can be fa... differently

weighted... and still
have great color sense.

Um, Stacy, hold that thought.
Sandi! Sure, I'll be right over.

Quinn? Quinn?! But,
Quinn, I didn't say fat.

Quinn, you're so lucky
you have your thinness.

Oh, Sandi, you're not
that not that thin.

It's sweet of you to say that, Quinn.
Thank you for being my best friend.

Sandi, I...

And as my best friend, I want you to be
the first to know that, out of respect

to the Fashion Club's stringent obesity
policy, I am resigning the presidency.

Sandi, you can't resign!

Please, Quinn, this is painful enough
as it is. All I ask is that, after you

assume the presidency, you'll try
to remember me as I used to be.

Me? President?

I'm just grateful I'm being replaced by
someone who truly excels in accessorizing.

Sandi, I could never replace you!

Really?

Of course not! You're...

Quinn... that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me. Refusing the

presidency out of respect
for our friendship.

Uh, what I mean is, I couldn't
do the job just like you...

You don't have to explain. If I live
another years I'll never be able to

express the gratitude I feel
for your unwavering devotion.

I humbly accept your resignation.

Um... don't mention it.

Meet the psychic n*zi hunter who says
the Fuhrer's been reincarnated... as a

madcap leggy blonde! "There's something
about h*tler," tonight on Sick, Sad World.

How much do I owe you now?

Still .

Clams?

Simoleons. Try to keep up.

You're not going to
believe what happened!

You're right. Save your breath.

Sandi resigned from the Fashion Club
because she's fat, and then I had to resign

to show Sandi my support, although I
didn't really mean to resign, and now I

don't know what's going to happen
because there's no way there can even be a

Fashion Club without me and Sandi!

Um, Quinn? It's me, Daria.

Did I hear right? The death of the
Fashion Club? That at last the people shall

be free?

Not likely. That club's like a hydra. You
cut off one airhead, two more grow back.

Hmm. Care to put a wager
on that? Say, piasters?

Make it spondulicks.

Damn it, Daria! Special orders my foot!
Medium! Medium! Medium! Our freedom of

choice is gone!

Quinn! Dad's here and he
wants to hear all about Sandi!

Before we begin the meeting, I have an
announcement to make. Sandi has resigned

from the Fashion Club.

Quinn, that's terrible! Not that
we shouldn't respect her decision.

Yeah, that's awful... oh, well.

She says she can't even come back to
school because it hurts too much to walk in

her cast.

So if you're the vice president and Sandi's
resigned, then you must be the new president.

Congratulations...

Well, actually...

So what's the first item of business,
President Quinn? The best president ever!

Long live the Quinn! Hey... !

Guys, stop it! I'm resigning, too.

What?

Oh, no! Was it something
I said? Something I did?

No, Stacy. See, I kind of had to promise
Sandi I'd resign. Tiffany, I guess

you're the president now, and
Stacy, you're vice president.

Quinn, you can't go! What
will we do without you?!

You're going to carry on the Fashion
Club mission. You'll stop the vertically

challenged from wearing really fat stripes,
point out icky fibers to icky fibers

wearers, and fight frosted shadows
wherever you go, unless it's at a costume

party. You'll hold yourselves up to
the highest standards possible. No ankle

boot too pointy, no chartreuse too
chartreusey, and no mock turtleneck too

mocky. And finally, you will never,
ever date anyone less attractive than you

are... although equally
attractive is okay.

My sources tell me that, though diminished
by half, the soldiers of style battle on.

Huh?

The Fashion Club still exists.
Give me my George W's.

Daria, please. These girls aren't the
swiftest boats in the current. Give them

some time to realize they've broken up.

You're not trying to
weasel out of paying me?

No! Just making sure you don't
think I'm buying your friendship.

Come on, Tiffany, you're the president.
Start the meeting and pick a topic already.

Topic... ?

You know, like Sandi used to. She'd say
something like "nail decals" and Quinn

would say they're passé and Sandi would
ask if Quinn knew the difference between

passé and retro and Quinn would explain
what she meant to say and we'd move on

to the next topic.

Hmm... topic. I know. How about fashion?

Um, maybe if we tried
begging Quinn to come back.

But, Quinn, you have to return
to the Fashion Club. We need you!

Really need you.

Guys, I would if I could, but I
can't because I promised Sandi.

But she doesn't have to know. Please?

Okay... I'll think about it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Quinn!

Or is it times to the right?

Brittany, let me ask a hypothet...
make-believe question. What would you do if

you found out Angie went
on a date with Kevin?

But Angie would never do
that to me. She's my friend.

And friends don't go behind other friends'
backs, do they? I knew this girl who

went behind her friend's back and felt
so guilty about it she ended up in an

insane asylum and they made her wear
drawstring pants and a big plastic bracelet.

Serves her right, the back-stabber!

Anyhoo, thanks for
straightening that out for me.

Ooh, I can't believe Kevvy cheated on me
with Angie! Wait till I get my hands on him!

Stacy, I want to come back but I
just can't wear drawstring pants.

Brr...

What?

I mean, I can't betray Sandi. You'll
just have to find some new members.

Oh, God, what if that's her? Got to run.

I guess we're on our own. Anyway, I
thought up some topics... if that's okay

with you.

Sure.

Let's begin with a debate on crew necks.
Now, I think people with long necks

look really good in them because
they make their necks look long.

Do you think I look good in crew necks?

Of course. You look good in
anything. But what about the color?

I think I prefer pastels.

Do you think I look good in pastels?

Um, yes, Tiffany. Anyway, I don't care
how long her neck is. I can't believe she

dated Matt Damon.

Do you think I'd look
good with Matt Damon?

Quinn's right. We need more members.

You can't let Gina into the Fashion Club.
Her teeth are thick. Heidi?! With the

clogs?! Gee, I guess there really aren't
any suitable girls at school. Maybe the

club should break up. Stacy,
stop crying. Stacy... !

Ice cream out of the carton?
You're going to end up like Sandi!

I suppose your friendship is over now
that she can't squeeze into a size zero.

Daria, I am not shallow. Besides, it's
not like Sandi's gotten ugly or anything.

Wow, I've really misjudged you. I never
realized you'd be willing to sacrifice

your own popularity for
the sake of friendship.

What do you mean?

Well, you and I both know how society
discriminates against the overweight, even

to the point of shunning them. The old
Quinn might even have done it herself.

But this new Quinn? Willing to stick by
her friend no matter how heavy she gets,

even if it costs you your
own status? Wow. Simply wow.

Um... yeah.

Some more shallow friend might try to
make Sandi lose weight so she could rejoin

the Fashion Club and return life to normal,
but not you. You accept her as she is.

Kudos to you, Quinn Morgendorffer.

Uh... thanks! Got to go!

Sandi, open up! It's an emergency!

Quinn!

I told you little creeps no visitors!

Go ahead, laugh at my disfigurement.

I would never laugh at you, Sandi.
Besides, you're not d*sfigured.

You're beautiful on the
inside. That's all that counts.

Then what are you doing here?

I'm going to make you fit
to go out in public again.

What?

Now that your cast is off, I'm
here to help you lose weight.

Oh, Quinn, can't you see that
it's too late? My life is over!

Sandi, you're not .
Now let's get started.

I know it's hard to believe, but I
once weighed over a hundred pounds.

What's wrong, Sandi?

Nothing. It's just... oh,
Quinn, I love you so much!

Oh, Sandi, I love you, too!

Quinn's right. There just aren't any
girls up to the Fashion Club's standards.

If only looks weren't everything.

I know. Too bad we can't let boys in.

Tiffany, that's a great idea.

What?

About the boys.

Boys? Where?

Hey, guys. Are you doing anything this
afternoon? Because Tiffany and I would

really like it if you could
come over to my house for sodas.

Will Quinn be there?

Yeah, Quinn!

No... there will be a free
form discussion on swimwear.

A discussion?

Um, I mean, we want to show
you some girls in bikinis!

Babes in bikinis! Nice!
All right! We're there!

So Jamie, Jeffy and Joey are going to
Stacy's to talk style. Jocks on frocks.

sounds like a Fashion
Club meeting to me.

Trust me, it will be the last.

Uh-huh.

Care to double our bet?

It's your wampum.

Prepare to kiss your moolah good-bye.

Let's see the bikinis!

Yeah, bikinis!

Um, that's not till later. Right
now we're discussing t*nk tops.

Tanks are cool!

Yeah, like in that
movie, World w*r Blood?

Um, I didn't see that movie.
What color were the t*nk tops?

Green! You want the
enemy to spot your t*nk?

Well, yeah... that's
kind of the whole idea.

But what about the element of surprise?

You surprise them by looking really hot.

He's talking about w*r.

So am I.

No, you know, conceal and surprise?

You think I need concealer?

Um, where are the bikinis, anyway?

Yeah! Bikinis!

Right here.

Yeah! Excellent!

Which fabric do you like best?

Fabric?

We've got to go... do something.

Yeah.

Uh, prior engagement.

The Fashion Club is falling
apart! What are we going to do?

Hmm... I do need concealer.

Can't... I... rest?

Did Cleopatra rest when she was inventing
mascara? Did Neferiti rest when she

was posing for statues? Did Helen of
Troy rest when she was doing whatever it

was she did? Beauty never
rests! Now, swim, you cow, swim!

What?!

Sorry. Coach talk.

Should we tell her it's easier
to speak if you open your mouth?

Stacy, what time is the
Fashion Club meeting today?

There is no meeting.

How co...

How come?! Because I can't take it anymore.
I'm sick of doing all the work while

you just sit there. I tried my best, and
even if it wasn't as good as Sandi's or

Quinn's, a chain is only as strong as
its weakest round thingy, and you refused

to lift one freakin' finger! I'm through
running the Fashion Club all by myself

while you stare... in the mirror... and
talk... about yourself... and I, I, I quit!

Hmm, maybe I should quit, too.

You saw it here first. The Fashion
Club is dead. Pay me my smackers.

Don't look now, but I think the guy
with the balloon animals is back.

It's Sandi! And she's... thin.

Then it's agreed. Applicants can't have
stubby fingertips or nails shorter than

one-quarter of an inch.

Next topic: weight requirement.

I move that we review maximum allowable
weights on a case by case basis.

That's a great idea, Sandi!

Yeah! Absolutely.

Let's move on to eyelashes.

Um, Quinn... as president of the Fashion
Club, I believe it is my job to decide

on the topic for membership guidelines,
unless there was a change of protocol in

my absence that allows the vice
president to switch topics at whim.

But Sandi, how would I know that? I
resigned after you resigned because you were,

well, you know, not yourself, not that I
wanted either of us to resign. Remember?

Right... moving on. I say, no one with
a low eyelash count should be admitted.

No exceptions.

But Sandi... with all the thickening
mascaras available you can always make it

look like you have more eyelashes than
you really do, so is the actual number of

lashes really that important?

Quinn, are you proposing artifice?

I agree with Quinn.

Me, too.

Fine, but any eyelash-deficient applicants
must agree to wear mascara at all times.

Finally! A place that still respects
good old freedom of choice! Behold, the

Beef N Cake triple patty burger served
medium rare, just like Jakey ordered!

Beef N Cake? I guess their
refrigeration problems must be over.

Damn gastroenterological disorders!