05x08 - One J at a Time

[bunniefuu]

So this new Fashionvision series, "Behind
the Untold Story of The Supermodels,"

reveals what the supermodels' lives were
like when they were just plain models.

Thai peanut sauce a-la Jake is
complete-o! Who wants the first bite?

You pick, mom. It'll
be like Sophie's Choice.

This is a whole different
recipe than the last batch.

I hope so. It took three days to
get the smell out of the house.

Experiment with a little wasabi and the
whole world's a critic. Dammit, Helen,

you can't make an omelet
without breaking a few eggs!

Can I have an omelet?

No.

How about some eggs to break?

Anyway, the were just about to show
Veronique's make-up bag from high school

when that delivery guy rang the door
bell with Daria's package. What is with

those brown uniforms?

Um, this package? Did it run away by it
self or hop a lonesome freight train west?

It's in the living room somewhere Now
I'm never going to find out what was in

that make-up bag.

Come on, why isn't anyone
digging in? It's M'm-M'm good!

EWWW! Dad's sick!

I'll heat up some lasagna,
while you throw that out.

Damn foreign language cookbooks!

And not in the sink! I don't
want it eating through the pipes.

What is that?

My people call them books. Huh. A first
edition. Tom must have found it on the web.

Oh, how sweet!

He bought you a used book?
What kind of boyfriend is he?

A boyfriend who cares enough to
know what's important to Daria.

Now I'm sick.

Well, lots of guys care about me. I don't
know why anyone would settle for just one.

Quinn, it's a special thing to find
someone so compatible that you want to see

them exclusively. Having a steady
boyfriend takes maturity and perspective.

I'm mature!

And you have the teddy-bear
earrings to prove it.

You know, Daria, dad and I really haven't
had the chance to really get to know

Tom. Why don't you invite
him over for dinner?

Because I haven't taken
complete leave of my senses.

Can I bring a boyfriend too?

If and when you have a steady boyfriend,
Quinn, we'd love to have him for dinner.

Do we have to dip him in that
peanut sauce before we eat him?

Hey!

What night is good for Tom to come over?

Hmm. Any time after Armageddon is fine.

I sl*ve over a hot stove
all day, and for what?

It's to keep him off the streets, right?

Maybe if I used less chili oil. Hey!!

Damn skate punks are tearing up the
streets! Today it's trash cans, tomorrow,

mail boxes! And then... You won't get my
shrubs! Do ya hear me? You won't get my shrubs!!

So your mother actually go around
to inviting Tom over for dinner.

I know. Some workaholic.

Relax. Get your father started on m*llitary
school and the evening will be over

before it begins.

That's what I'm afraid of.

What, that he'll embarrass you?
That's what parents are for.

It's more that he'll provide Tom with a
festive night of subtle mockery. My dad

deserves better than that... Sort of.

Well, I don't think you're giving Tom
enough credit. He never once said an

unkind work to my parents.

He never met your parents.

Oh, yeah. I don't suppose you could get
your father to go off to Greece for six

months to sketch the sunset.

Maybe you're right. Maybe dad'll be
relatively calm and Tom will bite his tongue

and a good time will be had by all.

You're gonna "forget" to tell Tom about
this and hope the whole thing goes away.

I've already forgotten.

Quinn has requested this emergency meeting
of the Fashion Club to make this very

important announcement.

I knew camouflage would
come back, I knew it!

It's not camouflage, Stacy. I've,
um, decided to get a steady boyfriend.

Quinn, if this is you're idea of a
joke, perhaps you should look up the word

'huh?' in the dictionary.

Sandi, I'm serious. It's a special thing
to find someone so exclusive that you

want to see them compatibly.

You mean you're only going to date one
guy from now on? And not any other guys?

Quinn, think of what you'll be
missing. All the gifts and cash prizes!

On second thought, I think
it's an excellent idea.

Um, me too!

Good idea.

Who's the lucky guy?

Gee, I haven't thought about that.

Well, this is a very important decision
Quinn, not one to be taken lightly. How

about Craig? His parents put in a pool.

But he just got that bad haircut. Ew.

Oh, right. Hmm. Mark would
look really good with you.

But he's color blind! He could pick
out the wrong scarf for me or something.

I know, let's make a list of qualifications.
You know, Like he has to be at

least three inches taller than you and
drive a car with a leather interior.

No moles.

That's a great idea.
You guys are so caring.

That's our job, Quinn. To care. And you're
job is to pick a boyfriend before the

weekend so we can confirm our schedules.

Uh, I guess I'd better get to work.

Gee, maybe we all should get boyfriends.

Why would we do that? With Quinn gone,
there'll be more guys for the rest of us.

Sandi helped me break my
list into three categories:

looks, popularity, and how well
his hair matches my clothes.

You know, Quinn, looks and popularity aren't
really what's important in a relationship.

Than what is?

The ability to fix major appliances.

Mmm. Yes, I can see that.

What's really important is that you
find someone that you enjoy being with.

You mean like how I enjoyed Kyle
taking me to Le Yeast last night.

I mean someone you can get along with
for more than one evening. Who can share

your hopes and dreams, your trials and
disappointments. Someone you look forward

to seeing day after day, week after
week, month after month, year after year,

the same old complaints about his uncaring
father. God is he ever going to get over.

Mo-oommmm! That's so boring!

Uh, not at all! That's compatibality!

I think I'll finish this upstairs.

Moving on to compatibility, what color jacket
would you ware to match my mauve sandals?

Um, leather?

Can you fix major appliances?

I set the clock on my VCR once.

If I were stranded on a deserted island,
what is the one item you'd bring me?

A boat! With flares, and life boats,
and the Coast Guard, and... and the Navy!

Wrong wrong wrong! The
correct answer is 'sunscreen!'

Wow. Ten interviews in ten minutes.
She really should consider a career in

broadcast journalism.

Tonight, on Sixty Seconds.

Damn you kids! I'm going to set up one
of those hidden surveillance cameras!!

Probably shouldn't have
yelled that last part out.

You're no kid, dammit!

Andy has the best shoulders,
but Peter has a better jaw line.

Uh huh. I agree.

Quinn, the weekend is almost upon us and
you have yet to choose your boyfriend.

Sandi, I know! I'm trying as hard as I
can, but I just can't decide because what

if the one I think is the right one turns
out to be the wrong one and the wrong

is the right one and
what are the right ones?

This is the hardest and most important
decision you'll ever have to make.

I know! Stacy, do you still
have that magic eight-ball?

Um...

Hey, Quinn! Did you
pick a boyfriend yet?

Is it one of us?

Like, for instance, me?

Well, uh...

Come on, Quinn. Don't keep
your future boyfriend waiting.

Okay okay, I've decided
that my boyfriend will be...

Eene meeny miney mo, catch a boyfriend
by the toe, my mother said to pick

this one. Jamie!

All right!

Aww!

Hey, guys!

Quinn. Quinn! There goes your boyfriend!

So?

So, he's your boyfriend!
Run to him, Quinn!

Oh, yeah! Hey! Jamie, you idiot!

Okay, let's divide up all the guys
at school. I've devised a draft system

similar to that used by the WNBA.

Daria, let's pick a night for
Tom to come over. How's Friday?

Sorry, no good. It's
the day after Thursday.

Well, how about Saturday, then?

I'll be gearing up for Sunday.

Daria, is there some reason you
don't want to invite Tom over?

Damn squirrels are nothing but rats
with fluffy tails! Well, to catch a rat,

you've got to think like
a rat! Where's the cheese!

Mom, dad, it's official. Jamie is my
new boyfriend. Therefore I will no longer

be accepting unsolicited
calls from other boys.

Gimmie cheese! I want cheese!

Um, dad? What about
you're heart and whatnot?

I don't have a heart! I'm a fluffy rat!

Daria... Hello? Really? Suing UNICEF?
Eric, is that a good move, public

relations-wise? Well, yes,
it is a lot of pennies.

It was a very difficult decision... I
mean, picking Jamie for my boyfriend...

Much contemplation was involved.

If he's your boyfriend, how come you're
not with him? You should be together all

the time. That's what
girlfriends do, you know.

What? You're not always with Tom.

But we don't go to the same school. If
we did, we'd be together before school,

after school, in between meals and after
snacks. And then on the phone all night.

But...

In fact, you should be with Jamie right
now. Unless you want to cause problems

this early in the relationship.

A girlfriend's work is never done.

Well, if we're gonna sue the bastards,
I say get 'em right after Halloween when

they're flush.

I'll call you back.

Aahh! DAMMIT! GAAHHHH!!

You're worried about
your father's behavior.

Look, I understand him...

Really?

... but he might be a little off-putting
to someone who's not, um, blood related.

They might not appreciate his, um,
energetic reactions to certain stimuli.

Stimuli? What stimuli?

Oh, you know. Everything.

Daria, I'll make you a deal. I'll
have a talk with your father about his

conduct. You call Tom about
dinner. What do you say?

Didn't our deals used to involve cash?

Now, according to Waif, the most important
part of communicating is listening.

Yeah, nobody ever listens to when I...

Oh look! A quiz on what your eye shadow
says about you! My favorite shade is a,

blue; b, umber...

Stacy says those hippie people in the
sixties didn't even ware eye shadow! I

mean what's that about?
I said, what's that about?

Um, I know?

Cream shadows can get
stuck in creases...

... not that I have any creases, but I've
seen it happen to other people. Do you

prefer the glitzy look of creams or
the ore natural look of pressed powders?

What do you think?

Jamie? Jamie, you're
not listening to me!

Of course I am! Um, creases suck!

You haven't been listening! You don't
even care what kind of eye shadow I ware!

I'm sorry!

Forget it! It's over.

Quinn! Come back!

I've got you now, fluff-rat!

Oh! Mr. Whiskers! What are you doing
in there, you silly kitty? You should be

next door in your cozy warm...

Gah!! DAMMIT!!

Meet the fly fishing pathologist who
uses human organs as bait! 'A Liver Run's

Through It, ' next on Sick, Sad World!

If Jamie calls, I'm not speaking to him.

How about if he doesn't?

My new boyfriend is Joey, so
put him through immediately.

Hey, shouldn't you be watching your new
boyfriend at football practice right now?

It's too humid. My hair might frizz.

Brittany's there, supporting
Kevin. She's got hair.

She's a cheerleader, she has to go.

I'm not a cheerleader and I go to all
of Tom's luge races. I guess you're just

one of those unsupportive girlfriends.

Maybe they'll have some frizz-proof
conditioner at the drugstore.

Jake, dear. I want to talk to you about
Sunday night. Tom's coming over and it

would mean a lot to Daria if we
were both on out best behavior.

The cheese didn't work.
Do squirrels like salami?

Jake, this is important! I want you to
give this squirrel hunt a rest while Tom

is here.

Oh, um, sure! you can
count on old Jakey!

Thank you, honey.

Besides, by the time Tom gets here,
I'll be wearing a squirrel skin cap on my

head and doing a victory jig! I
wonder if he'd go for bacon bits?

I really miss you too, Stacy! It's so
hard to see your friends and go shopping

and stuff when you're forced to be with...
when you have a boyfriend! Of course,

commitment is very important to me.

Hello, Bellevue?

Sandi's been dating Kyle? But I
thought Kyle liked me? I know, I know,

boyfriend blah blah blah. So,
what are you guys doing tonight?

The usual, cast a few spells then
a quick broomstick ride before bed.

But I love Guys Guys! I can't believe
Joey's not taking me to that concert!

There he is, got to go!

Hi, Quinn!

Um, change of plans. You're taking
me to the Guys Guys concert.

But you said that you wanted to go to
Margé La Cuisine! Tonight's their open...

Forget what I said. I
want to go to the concert!

But Quinn, it's sold out!

Fine! If you won't take me, then you
obviously don't care! You're one of those

unsupportive boyfriends!

But Quinn...

Forget it! It's too late! It's over!

But Quinn, wait!

Wow. A whole day. At least
you'll have the memories.

I give up! This boyfriend
stuff is too time consuming.

Daria, I, um, spoke to your father.
We're all set for Sunday night. And Quinn!

Why don't you invite
your boyfriend, too!

Um, my boyfriend?

Why not? I think it's great that you're
in a steady relationship. It shows a lot

of personal growth.

Uh, okay, I'll invite him. As
soon as I figure out who he is.

Just keep telling yourself that someday
you'll look back on tonight and laugh.

Isn't that what they said to Lincoln?

Tom, I...

Daria, I don't mind. Really. It'll be
interesting getting to know your folks.

Speaking of interesting, my father
can be a little... eccentric.

So I've heard.

From who?!

You!

Oh, yeah.

I know that you wouldn't intentionally
say anything to upset him, it's just that

he's kind of, um sensitive.

So, no bright lights or loud noises?

Tom.

Don't worry. I want him
to like me too, you know.

Ahem. Excuse me. My new serious boyfriend,
Jeffy, will be here any minute, and

I'd like it if you two didn't
do anything to embarrass me.

I guess the bear suits are out.

How long have you and
Jeffy been a couple?

It's not the quantity of
the time, it's the quality.

You'll make a great neglectful mother
one day. Speaking of serious, thanks for

getting us those adjoining
cemetery plots. Now I know you care.

Oh! My pleasure.

That's gross!

No that's commitment. Right, Snookles?

Oh, you!

'Snookles?'

Hi Jeffy! I mean, uh, Jeffy-lube.

Um, hey Quinn.

I need to talk to you about
our cemetery plots, but not now.

We're so glad that you
two could come over.

Thanks for inviting
us, Mrs. Morgendorffer.

Um, yeah.

No problem-o. It's great to have some
men around the house. This place could do

with a little scratching and
sweating now and then. Right, guys?

So, what's new, Mr. Morgendorffer?

Not too much, Tom my man. Not too much.
Except there's this squirrel. He's been

terrorizing the neighborhood. Digging
up yards and knocking over trash can's

with a single flip of his tail.

Jake, remember what I said.

But he asked!

I'm with you, Mr. Morgendorffer. Some
squirrels got into our cellar last winter

and ate up all the wheat thins.

Tom!

What? They did.

Jeffy! What are your
favorite subjects in school?

I caught a squirrel once!

Jeffy!

You did! How?

They really like peanut butter!

Peanut butter! Yeah! I bet Thai Peanut
sauce would work great! And I whipped up

a new batch just last night!

Jake, you didn't!

I smelled something at breakfast, but
I just thought a neighbor had d*ed.

Jake, you promised you'd... Hello? Eric?
This is a bad time, I'm in the middle

of a family... Yes, of course I knew
UNICEF's a charity. No, it's Uniroyal that

makes the tires.

Hey Jeffy. do you think you
could help me set up the trap?

Sure!

Jeffy! What's more important? Our
commitment to compatible exclusivity or some

stupid squirrel?

Look, there it is!

Let's go!

Tom?

Jeffy!

I guess that answers the "what's more
important" question. Well, things have

turned out even more ridiculous than...

AUGH! I can't believe that Jeffy just
deserted me like that! I'll never have a

boyfriend! I'll never be in a relationship
like you and Tom! I'm a complete failure!

Hmm. Do I do the sisterly thing
and console her? Oh look. Rolls.

All right, Eric, you keep working
on the apology. I'll draft a list of

children's charities we haven't
sued. Bye! Oh my. Where is everyone?

Dad, Tom, and Jeffy are outside trying
to catch a squirrel, and Quinn's in her

room crying.

Why? What happened?

Male bonding, I guess.

I mean with Quinn.

Oh. She said something about
failing at relationships.

What? Just because Jeffy joined your
father on some ridiculous squirrel chase,

she thinks her relationship is over?

Well, she might have had slightly
unrealistic expectations about what having a

boyfriend entails.

Uh-huh. And just what would
some of these expectations be?

You know, being together twenty-four
hours a day, hanging on each other's every

word, his-and-hers
cemetery plots.

Daria, how could you mislead
your sister like that!?

Mother. How could I not?

And what about me? I finally get up the
nerve to invite Tom for a family dinner

and everyone leaves me, confirming
my deepest fears about abandonment and

isolation. Oh look, shoestring potatoes.

Quinn, Daria said you were upset.

Of course I'm upset! I tried and I tried
to get this boyfriend thing right and I

just couldn't! I don't know who I'm gonna
be buried with! My whole life has been

a lie.

Maybe you're not ready for
a steady boyfriend just yet.

Okay! I admit you were right! I'm
not mature enough to have a boyfriend.

Me?? I never said you weren't
mature enough for a boyfriend!

But you said Daria was really mature to
be in a relationship, so if I'm not in a

relationship that makes
me un-mature... Or "im?"

Quinn, having a boyfriend doesn't make
you any more or less grown up. What's

important is to do what makes you
happy. Dating Tom exclusively makes Daria

happy. If dating a lot of different boys
makes you happy, than that's what you

should do.

So, it's alright not to
have a steady boyfriend?

Of course it's all right.

Okay! I'm going to go dump Jeffy now!

Whoomp, there it is! Whoomp, there it is!
Whoomp, there it is! Whoomp, there it is!

I love this song! Think we're
far enough out of town, fellas?

Let's give it a sh*t.

Bye, little fella. It
was nothing personal.

Boy, this would be a great
place to play paint-ball.

Or go camping.

Or build a fort!

Hey, my dad used to take us to a go-kart
track right down the road from here!

No way!

All right!

Where is everyone?

Apparently it takes three people to
return a squirrel to it's natural habitat.

Tom went too?

I guess part of me always knew that
someday he'd return to the wild.

Daria, do you ever think that maybe
guys and girls aren't meant to understand

each other? Like it's all part of some
big unfunny joke on us that we'll be

struggling with for the rest of
our lives? Oh look, celery st*lks.

You're mine now, Mr. Morgendorffer!

Say your prayers, Jeffy-lube!

Yahoo! Yeah!