05x12 - My Night at Daria's

[bunniefuu]

God, this is dull. So much for my silly
childhood dream of becoming a supply

side economist.

At least you're not reading Kant. This
guy gives dry, ponderous intellectuals a

bad name.

Speaking of intellectuals...

Augh! I just had the worst date of my
life! Not only did he wear white pants,

his car CD-player skipped...

... and if that weren't bad enough,
he spent the whole dinner talking about

himself and then accused me of not
paying attention just because I had to

quickly check my lipstick
in the butter Kn*fe...

Wait! Where are you going?!

To check our mascara in the salad tongs.

But you can't go! I really need someone
to talk to and all the normal people are

out on dates.

Oh, well, you wouldn't want
to barge in on someone's date.

Exactly! Tiffany? I had the worst evening...
fine, hurry up and order dessert...

So you see, Toby, a top-notch marketing
consultant could really beef up your business!

Er, Jake, we're a sushi bar. Don't
you mean "fish up" my business?

Here, have some more sake.

Don't mind if I do.

Jake, haven't you had...

Hey, Ellen, why aren't you eating? Not
trying to keep your girlish figure at

your age, are you?

Ha-ha... actually, I had a late lunch.
Followed by an insufferable dinner.

What is that?!

Either a traveling band of eunuchs, or
Quinn's figured out how to turn on the radio.

God, Daria. Why didn't you tell
me things were so bad at home?

I didn't want you to worry.

Oops.

Oh, God. We've got to get
you the hell out of here.

Works for me.

I'll go myself. It'll be quieter.

I'm starving... sushi sucks! Sake
rocks. Hey, got to remember that.

Where's the lazooni... ?

Hey!

Mr. Morgendorffer! I can explain!

Tom! Oh, hey, you know, that door
sticks on me, too. Let me get it for you.

Hey, you ever try any of that
sake? It sucks! I mean rocks!

Um, no. You know, the age thing.

Oh, yeah. Good for
you! Nice guy, that Tom.

No wonder you can't sleep.
Tokyo Toby's is poison.

Is not... hey, I forgot to
offer Tom some lazonny...

What?!

Damn. One one thousand,
two one thousand, three...

Daria, I need to talk to you, right now!

... one thousand.

All right, Daria. I guess I can believe
your story, though it seems pretty

farfetched to me that two
teenagers with raging hormones...

My hormones don't rage. Oh, sure, they
get mad sometimes, but then they just

stop speaking to each other.

All right... so you
weren't, you know... ?

I certainly do know. And no.

Then tell me once again why Tom was
slipping out the door at : A.M. like a

common criminal?

Phone!

Gee, could the sneaking around have
been part of a futile attempt to avoid an

unnecessary all-night
lecture about responsibility?

All right, I admit I was a little upset,
but I'm sure you can understand that

when a mother sees her daughter, her
little baby girl, to whom she gave life...

Nothing happened. I'd
tell you if it did.

You would? Really?

Um... anyway, you believe me, right?

Stacy. Stacy! I can't talk any louder,
you dope! I'm trying to tell you my

sister had a guy in her room all night!

Seriously, Daria, if the time comes when
you decide that... you know... I hope

you will come to me first.

Um, what?

Not that I would ever try to talk you out of it
- which is not to say I'm

trying to talk you into it
- it's just that I'd like to have the chance to

discuss things with you first. I only
wish I could have gone to my mother before

I made such an awful mistake. What
is it about stunt drivers that makes

otherwise level-headed teenage
girls just whip off their...

Okay, okay. Um, I've got to
study. Big test. Biiig test...

Helen! I think I've got something in my
throat! Can you see anything down there?

Daria! I, uh...

Jake, nothing happened!

The problem with going to restaurants
is that they're not in my room.

I know what you mean. I have the
same issue with hiking trails.

My, my, my... is that the
lovely Miss Morgendorffer?

Congratulations. You've passed your
vision test. Please proceed to line B for

your written.

And you've passed your admission test
to Club De Amore. Please check your

inhibitions at the door!

What's wrong with him?

His parents forgot to put decals
on the sliding glass doors.

Hey, Daria's guy! Way to go, man!

Excuse me?

You know... you did the wild walk,
made a touchdown, signed the deed!

Tonight's Babble Chat was
hosted by Kevin Thompson.

Oh, Daria! Now we can
have womanly talks!

What the hell are you ranting about?

You know...

Let's go, babe, and leave
the love babes alone.

That was weird. Even for them.

We'd better get out of here before
the parmesan fumes get to us, too.

Damn it, Helen, I know there's something
crawling up my throat, and I think it's

a parasite courtesy of Tokyo Toby's
Parasite Restaurant! If I stand still, I can

even feel it laughing inside of me...

Now you're being ridiculous. Even if that
horrible sushi did have a parasite, it

couldn't have survived that much sake.

Daria... I... um... uh...

Your father thinks he picked
up a parasite eating sushi.

You mean the kind that drill through
your intestines, twisting and turning and

driving you slowly insane until they
grow eight feet long and corkscrew out

through your vital organs?

Daria...

Help me, Helen... before
the madness sets in.

Any further.

Daria!

Hello? Oh, Toby. Listen, about your
so-called fresh sushi... I got the job? How

much? Wow! I mean, I think I can live
with that. See you tomorrow! Helen! I got

the job!

And all the parasites you can eat.

Parasites? You know, you were right. It's
probably just a sore throat... I think

I'm gonna throw up...

Hey.

Ah. I've been expecting your call

Huh?

All right, I'm listening. But for God's
sake, at least spare me the squishier

details and the rapturous
declarations of undying love.

What are you talking about?

What are you?

I was hoping you could tell me. Tom and
I ran into some people from school and

they kept alluding to
I'm-almost-afraid-to-guess-what. Is something going on?

Come on, Daria, you know.

Know what?

You don't know?

What?! Just tell me!

Well, there's this rumor going around
that you and Tom... slept together.

Huh?!

And that your father walked in right...
well, right in the middle of things.

Oh, my God.

And Daria... since when do you
own a pair of black high heels?

That's not right, either. Oh, the
curse of having two good shoulders!

Daria! What are you doing in here?

I want to know exactly what you told
everyone at school about me and Tom.

I didn't say a word! Besides, I swore
Stacy to secrecy, but then she told Sandi

and Tiffany, so if you're mad at
anyone, it should be Stacy and not me!

Uh-huh. Look, dammit, nothing hap...

Stop! I don't want to hear any of the
sordid details. I don't care what coupled

people do!

And I'm telling you, nothing...

Okay! Okay! Look, I got to, um...
go shopping. Big sale. Biiig sale.

Quinn, listen to me for one min...

Half off. Gotta go. Bye!

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. What's up?

Um, you've probably heard
the rumor about me and Tom...

Hey, it's no big deal, right? This isn't
the ' s, when women had to worry about

their reputations.

But it's not true. I never slept with
Tom and I don't own any high heels.

I don't even own any low heels.

Daria, it's okay, really. Besides, you
and Tom have been going out for so long,

I'd think by now you'd want to do
more than just hold hands. Right?

Um...

Hey, sex is nothing to be ashamed
of, as long as you're responsible.

So, then, you and Mack
have... been responsible?

Um... I really don't want
to discuss that right now.

I understand.

I promise: soon as my parents are
dead, I'll tell you all about it.

Okay. Just so long as there's
nothing to be ashamed of.

And I thought the whole point of being
unpopular was that no one knows you exist

or talks about you.

It's been a slow news week. Don't worry,
they'll go back to not recognizing you

soon enough.

Easy for you to say. You never had a
rumor circulating around school that you

slept with someone.

Well, if that ever does happen, I hope
the guy's a professional wrestler. Look,

why does this bother you so much, anyway?
It can't be you're worried Kevin won't

respect you.

No... I guess it's the assumption that
if you're in a relationship, you're

having sex. So if you're not, does that
make your relationship any less of one?

I knew I should have jumped Tom when I
had the chance. Kidding! I told you, I'm

waiting till college.
: A.M. on move-in day.

At least you've got a plan.

Anyway, being in a relationship can't
possibly hinge on physical intimacy 'cause

that would mean our
parents are still doing it.

Which is absurd.

No chance.

I'd join the circus.

Right behind you.

Thanks for your insight.

What I'm here for.

You really think once some new rumor
comes along everyone will forget about me

and Tom?

I'm sure of it.

Good... because my sister's got a
rare form of Malaysian toenail fungus.

Ooh! That can be terminal!

Whoa. That is one hell of a parasite.
Now hold on! One, two, three!

Aah!

Here. Take a look.

Eww... um, must have gotten it from
that damn food-rotting Tupperware...

Tupperware? I don't think so. When
was the last time you had sushi?

Last weekend at Tokyo Toby's...

Tokyo Toby's? When is the health
department going to shut that worm factory

down? This is the third anisakid I've
seen come out of that place in two months!

Oh...

Can anger management training really
help gorillas avoid extinction?

Maybe, but it's not doing much for
the psychiatrists! "The apes of wrath,"

today on Sick, Sad World!

Are you okay? You hardly said a word
when the monster att*cked the girls' swim

team. All those vital organs
bobbing around in the water...

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but
there's this rumor going around school

that you and I slept together.

Really? Can we get that
rumor started at my school?

It's not funny.

Come on, Daria. Since when do
you care what other people think?

It's not that... so much. It's just
that... the implication is, well, to be

really close, couples need physical
as well as emotional intimacy.

Boy, people will believe anything. Look,
you said you weren't ready. So okay.

Oh, fine. Just take me at my word.

That is what you said, right? I
mean, correct me if I'm wrong. Please.

Hey, far be it from me to
pressure you into anything.

Daria, you're the one who doesn't want
to, remember? I backed off 'cause I

thought that's what you wanted. But I
can be persuaded otherwise. See? All done.

Okay, fine... in the interest of moving
our relationship forward and taking it

to a new, deeper level, I've
decided I'm ready, too. Damn it.

Really? Are you sure?

Sure I'm sure. Of course,
there's the issue of... you know.

No problem! I've got one right here.
You know, my parents won't be home...

Wait! You just carry one
of those things around?

Wishful thinking?

God, guys are all the same.

What, responsible?

You know, maybe we are rushing
into this. Forget I brought it up.

Forget you brought it up? Jeez!

Hey. I didn't expect
to be put on the spot.

I thought you just said you wanted to.

Not so much that I'm running around town
with a neon birth control device in my purse.

Look, I've been a good guy about this.
You said you're ready, so I tried to be

conscientious and now you don't want to
again. Make up your mind! And it's not neon!

I'm ready.

You're sure?

Positive.

Um, okay. When were you
thinking, um, we would, you know?

Um, anytime. But not right now.

Um, okay.

It's definitely not neon, right?

So, um... should we pick a date?

Well... my parents are going out of
town next weekend. How about then?

No fair. Home court advantage.

Fine. Your place.

Like I'd ever find all the microphones
Mom's hidden around my room.

The Rendezvous Motel?
You know, on Route .

Gee, don't make me feel too special.

All right, the boathouse at the lake,
with the stars, the moon, the water?

And the mosquitoes, the
splinters, the security patrol?

Okay, how about Mars, then? Soon as
that whole colonization thing gets going?

Your room, next Saturday night at eight.

Yo, kinky shoe girl, good news. The
Malaysian fungus has your sister down to

three toes, and one of them is dangling.

That's so sad.

Yeah, and that hot news flash from the
Lawndale gossip mill has left you and Tom

in the proverbial dust. No one cares about
your sex life anymore, or lack thereof.

Um... make that former lack thereof.

Daria!

Or rather, future former lack thereof.

Oh. So... when?

Soon. This weekend.

Ah. You seem a tad... what's
the word... scared witless?

Okay, so I am a little very nervous.

Of course you are! This is a big
decision. A defining moment in your life!

Oh, good. That's not too much pressure.

Or possibly just another adolescent
embarrassment you'll need to repress in

adulthood just to get
out of bed in the morning.

Huh. So far, that makes everything after
my th birthday. Um, you don't think

that'll really happen, do you?

No, no, it's gonna be great. Well, then,
congratulations or whatever they say in

situations like these.

I think it's "S.O.S."

You said I was being ridiculous!
You said it couldn't be a parasite!

Okay, Jake. You were right, I was wrong.

Oh, sweet music to my ears!

Which only proves that I was right about
Tokyo Toby's being poison in the first place.

Oh, yeah...

Um... Daria!

Daria, hi! Anything new?

Well, you didn't hear it from me, but
Quinn's played her last game of "This

Little Piggy."

Hmm, it's Friday night.
Aren't you going out with Tom?

Sorry. Only one question per
customer. Please try again tomorrow.

Daria, about that talk we were going to
have... we don't have to wait. We could

have it...

No, no. The end of time is fine
for me. And speaking of the time...

Okay! Even if you were right about
Toby's, I was right about the parasite, and

it was a double-wide parasite
so that makes me doubly right!

Jake, not now! I'm
talking to Daria. Daria?

God. Saturday already?

When is Quinn going to stop storing her
nail polish in the... ooh, "Sunrise Sublime."

Hello? Oh, hi, Tom!

Daria? No, I haven't seen her. Sure,
I'll tell her. Bye. Daria, is everything

all right?

Sure. Fine. Never been better.

You know, I've never known you not to
want to speak to Tom, or wear "Slicky

Fingers" nail polish.

Um... I believe you should try everything
once no matter how unmistakably stupid

it is. Almost everything. Anyway, got
to go. Lot of homework. Big essay due.

Biiig essay.

I thought you said you were
seeing Tom tonight. Daria?

I don't believe this.

Daria.

"Dear Tom: I'm sorry about last night,
but when I thought about it for the th

time, I realized I'm just not ready.
Please let this letter serve as my

acceptance of the
inevitable breakup. Daria."

Damn.

Oh. Um, you got my note?

Daria, how could you do this to me?

I can't help it if I'm not ready.
I can't change the way I feel.

Not that. I mean, how could you
dump me without even talking it over?

Look, we both agreed that sleeping
together would bring us closer, so... not

doing it must be driving us apart.

No, you said it would bring us closer
and I said, fine, if that's the way you

feel. I wasn't pushing this, you were,
remember? I was perfectly happy with our

relationship just the way it was.

Perfectly happy?

Okay, very content. The point is,
you're not ready. I understand.

No, you don't understand. It's not that
I'm not ready. It's that I'm scared.

Same thing.

No, it's not the same thing. I just
admitted that I'm scared. The thought of

that much intimacy... it's
just overwhelming to me.

Oh. Daria, you know I would never do
anything to make you uncomfortable.

And even if I could handle it, what
if you were disappointed? Our whole

relationship could be ruined.

You don't want to have sex because
you're afraid it'll hurt our relationship,

and then you break up
with me. Doctor, my head.

I thought that's what you'd want.

Think again.

You know, I think that, despite ourselves,
we just reached a new level of intimacy.

And lived to tell about it.

Hmm, free air fresheners with the fragrance
of tuna? Let me think about that...

and, hey, Toby, speaking of thinking... now,
you know I think your sushi's delicious...

Especially that rice
and roundworm filling.

... but you might want to change suppliers.
See, I got a parasite from it... no,

it wasn't a little parasite, it was a
big, mean parasite... well, I'm fine now...

I am not whining. Hey, it's not my
fault I missed the draft. The w*r was

winding down! Oh, yeah?!
Listen, you big fat blowfish...

Can I have a raise?

Dammit, Daria, do you believe the
nerve of that guy and his rotten fish?

If that rotten fish has restored
communication between us, Father, then I say

hooray for smelly old rot.

Oh. Oh!

Jake, is everything all right?

Yeah! I mean no! I mean... huh. I think
I feel something else in there. I bet

that parasite laid a whole extended
family of eggs! Where's that mirror?

Daria...

Does anyone know how I got on the
mailing list for Tootsie Tech, "World's

Largest Supplier of
Prosthetic Toes By Mail"?

Ooh, do they have those
vintage wooden ones?

Augh!

Um, Daria...

Tom and I didn't have sex, and we're
not going to any time soon. Unless, of

course, a b*mb goes off and, as Earth's
last two survivors, we must replenish

the human race. Although, frankly,
that's not motivation enough for me.

Well, I can't say I'm not somewhat
relieved. I just want you to know that

whatever decisions you make in
life, I'm on your side and...

So instead, we've decided to sublimate
our urges by traveling cross-country with

a motorcycle g*ng.

All right. You just remember
to call home on Sunday nights.

Hey!

Ha!

Damn it! I think I can see their
beady little eyes! God help me!