01x05 - Student Transfer

[bunniefuu]

JANINE: Gooooood morning, Mrs. Howard.

I mean "good morning."
I know you told me

not to elongate my vowels
before we're in school.

- Good morning, Janine.
- Good morning.

- So...
- Ms. Howard?

- Yes?
- Ms. Howard!

It is you! Yo!

I would have thought you
would have retired by now!

Yo, I just dropped
off my nephew and...

Yo, you was always my favorite teacher,

and I never got a chance to thank you

for everything you did for
me back in kindergarten.

Aw, sweetheart, you don't
have to thank me for that.

You did this.

Of course I need to thank you.

Before I was in your class,
everyone would have been like,

"Oh, he's gon' be the one
that needs to be secured."

But thanks to you,
I'm out here securing.

[GASPS]

Well, I am very proud of you.

By the way, how is your mother?

Well, that's complicated,

but it's gon' mean so much to my moms

that Ms. Howard asked after her.

Well, sweetheart, it
was so good to see you,

and have a great rest of your day.

- You, too, Ms. Howard.
- Alright.

- You, too.
- Bye.

Bye. [CHUCKLES]

See, Mrs. Howard?
That is why we do this.

Mold those young minds.

Just create new lives,
make those connections.

- That...
- Sweetheart, I have no idea

who that young man was.

Morning.

Well, it looks like a classic
Schemmenti good mood day.

You know it! I got my
favorite parking spot,

my macchiato is on point,

and my neighbor finally found her cat,

so no more hearing her
cry through the walls.

Jacob, are you ready?

[SCOFFS] I am not just ready,

- I am set and go.
- Yes.

Ready for what? What's going on?

We have this little
tradition where we read

our Grades for Teachers reviews out loud

when a new one comes in.

Mine are always just
incredibly flattering.

There's a Yelp for teachers?

Yeah. Do you want me to
help you set up a page?

Because as it says here,

I am excellent at
explaining complicated ideas.

Oh, no, thanks. That just sounds bad.

Hmm.

Oh... Oh, dang. Found a new one.

- Okay, okay.
- Mm-hmm.

What's wrong?

Uh, it's... It's nothing.

I just got a C-minus review,

which will bring down my overall average

and [CLICKS TONGUE] tarnish
my reputation forever,

you know? It's like...
It's no big deal, though.

Well, if traditions were always easy,

everyone would have them.

Everyone does.

"Nice but lacks experience

compared to the other second
grade teacher at Abbott."

Hey, that's me. The other
second grade teacher at Abbott.

This isn't that bad.

One of my reviews was so rude,

the superintendent had to
come check on me at home.

Yeah, well, that's you,
though. I don't get bad reviews.

You just did. [CHUCKLES]

[COUGHS] Girl, please, stop.

You're gonna make me spit my coffee out.

Okay, look, ignore this. Reviews
on a poorly designed website

do not determine what
kind of teacher you are.

Yeah, no. No, I just can't believe

the entire world can read
that I'm a bad teacher.

Hey, kid, listen. There's nothing wrong

with having some room for improvement.

Just take it from me,

the other, better, more
experienced teacher at Abbott.

[WOMEN CHUCKLE]

Melissa plays a lot. She jokes.

You know? She's good at it.

Just another thing
she's better at than me,

according to the reviews.

She's a regular Lucille Ball.
[CHUCKLES DRYLY]

Oh, hey, man. Can you tell me
where I can find the mailboxes?

- Oh, I'll show you.
- No, you can just tell me.

No, no, it's good. It's fine.
We can walk together.

Oh, speaking of mail, can we talk USPS?

Have you heard of informed delivery?

What up, ol' curly head
Arthur from PBS looking boy?

And good morning to you, Raheem.

You let them talk to you like that?

Well, correct me if I'm wrong,
but the boys and I are bonding

in the tradition of playing the dozens.

It's also called roasting.

Also called, uh, blazing, frying.

Hmm. Lot of cooking terminology.

Look, man. I'm from Baltimore, okay?

All I know is when somebody roasts you,

you got to roast them back.

Our teachers used to roast us.

If they didn't, we wouldn't
have respected them.

You're just getting clowned.

Of course I'm being clowned, okay?

- I don't know how to roast.
- It's not that hard.

You just kind of have to take
what people give you, like...

You ol' mothball-sweater-vest
looking boy.

Hmm. Simple yet cutting.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Thank you.

I thought you had to bring
way more to the table.

In the Dean Martin celebrity roasts...

Where are the mailboxes?

Oh. Yeah. Come on.

Alright, attendance time.

So raise your hand if you're not here.

[LAUGHTER]

Alright, so Nicole's not here.

[INTERCOM BEEPS]

AVA: Janine, come to my office.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

Alright, everybody, uh, settle down.

Okay, everyone's who's not
here, please be good, alright?

I'll be right back.

Mm-hmm. She'll be right back.

Can she see me?

[PLASTIC POPS]

Hey, girl.

Hey, Ava.

You know I can't just leave my classroom

- unattended like this, right?
- It's five minutes.

It's not like something could
go wrong in five minutes.

A lot can go wrong, actually.

If you say so. Anyway,
one of Melissa's students

will be transferring into your class.

Really? Why?

Girl, I don't know.
Things happen all day.

Maybe she wants to be
closer to the bathroom.

Maybe she like you more.

Maybe she got some kind
of Meek Mill-Drake feud

going on with one of her
classmates. I don't know.

Maybe she likes me better.

If you really want to know,
you should read her file.

I have them arranged by sexiest dad.

Her name is Courtney Pierce,
and her daddy is "foine."

[CHUCKLES] No, that's okay.

I don't really like to read the file.

I like to get to know the child

so I don't have any
preconceived notions.

That's an adorable spin on
choosing to be unprepared.

I wonder how Melissa's doing.

Hope she's not taking this too hard.

Find out right now.

Melissa, Janine is on her way.

You do know that that's
coming out of all the speakers,

not just a specific classroom, right?

I said you're on your way.

[LAUGHTER] Looking like Ron Weasley

if he was a pick-up artist.

This man look like he dream in podcasts.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, look at you,

ol' blue shirt,

tan pants wearing guy.

With your bright white shoes

and the laces all tied
up into a little bow?

Yeah. [LAUGHS] No way those
are accidentally falling off.

Mr. Vampire Weekend,

that really hurt my feelings.

Raheem, I am... I am so sorry.

You should be.

With that Twilight-shaped mouth!

Got him! [LAUGHTER]

That's what we're all
wearing. It's a uniform.

You ain't even observant, dawg.

They say the first year
of teaching is the hardest.

But...

[SIGHS] What about the second year?

- Minus $ equals...
- Hey, Melissa.

Hey. Uh, sorry. I know you talked
to Ava, so this is awkward.

Why would it be awkward?

Oh, just the whole your
student preferring me thing.

Oh, yeah, no. Not awkward at all. Just,

there's a couple things that
you should know about Courtney

- before you take her into your class.
- I know you're more experienced

than I am,

but this transfer kind of proves

I've got something
special in my classroom

that's got the kids a-talkin'.

Courtney, come over here, hon.

It's time for you to go with

your very confident new
teacher, Ms. Teagues.

Why don't you go get
your stuff? [CHUCKLES]

I'm like the Allen Iverson of teachers,

and you're like that
guy he stepped over once.

You mean three-time
NBA champion Tyronn Lue?

- That guy?
- Yes, you know basketball,

but my point is,

maybe I'm not a bad teacher.

Maybe you are.

Okay.

Courtney,

I want you to go and
be your wonderful self

with Ms. Teagues, okay? I have no doubt

that you're gonna have
a great time in her class.

Alright.

Have fun.

Alright.

Oh, look at you all,
being so well-behaved.

Setting a great example
for our new student.

Hi, I'm Janine.

- Hi, Janine.
- Hi, Janine.

Uh, no. She's not Janine. Her name is...

My name is Janine Teagues.

- Hi, Janine Teagues!
- Hi, Janine Teagues!

It's not Janine.

Yes, it is.

MELISSA: Courtney?

One of the toughest
students I've ever had.

She's gonna eat Janine alive.

Okay, everyone, please stand
for the Pledge of Allegiance.

Except for Andrew, who is
taking a principled stand

against nationalism. Yes.

Alright. Everyone else? I...

KIDS: I pledge allegiance to the flag

of the United States of Courtney.

And to the Courtney for which it stands,

one nation under Courtney, indivisible,

with Courtney and Courtney for all.

That's right! Nice job.

That's right. Nice job.

Courtney, go back to your seat.

But I'm done with all my work.

Go.

Your next word is "smooth." Go, go, go.

[KIDS SHOUTING, CHEERING]

Done!

- "Rebble"?
- It's "ra-bell."

[CHALK CLATTERS]

[KIDS LAUGHING]

Courtney?

Courtney, please stop.

Courtney. Just...

Hey. Hi. Can I help you?

Yeah, I just stopped by to
see how Courtney's doing.

Oh, yeah, Courtney is thriving.

- Whole class is, actually.
- [KIDS LAUGHING]

She was the missing piece to
our little puzzle of learning.

Oh. That's great to hear.

I'm surprised you're
not having any problems.

Took me a couple of months to figure out

how to keep her from
disrupting the class.

Look at you doing it
in a couple of hours.

I guess you really are

the superior teacher.

I'm teaching a lesson on gravity.

Here's a little secret...

Courtney didn't get
transferred out of my class

'cause I couldn't handle her.

She got her parents to transfer her

because I'd already caught
on to all her little tricks.

Most of them.

Nobody could have seen
that macaroni thing coming.

So I said, "I'm not giving you a ride.

I'm 'bout to drop you off
at the airport of life."

Oh, I know that's right.

Hey, ladies. Sorry to interrupt.

Uh, you mentioned earlier

that there was a file
on Courtney Pierce?

Yeah. Thicker than a Snicker.
Heavy like a Chevy.

Ooh.

Are you having issues with Courtney?

Ah, I wouldn't say...

[CHUCKLES] She need help.

Look at her. With that
"I need help" face.

Okay, this is not an "I need help" face.

It is an "I have it under control" face

and arm and leg and...

And that is good,
because I cannot help you.

You see, Ava and I have
placed a modest wager

on your success with the
whole Courtney situation,

and I will not affect the outcome.

Wait, hold on. You bet on me?

Well, yeah. [CHUCKLES]

You guys are using my
performance as a teacher

for entertainment?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, that's it.

You know what? I'm
taking everybody's money.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Janine, you do know

that that is not how bets work, right?

Ava, I'm gonna need to see that file.

Okay. You don't have to
say it all determined.

Nobody's stopping you
from seeing the file.

I offered it to you yesterday.

Just go in the office and look.

Okay.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, how's it going?

It's... Yeah.

_

"Psychological warfare?"

"Could make a good cult leader someday.

Melissa Schemmenti."

Well, I found Courtney's
file, and it is substantial.

Cannot believe Melissa
didn't tell me any of this.

But now that I'm
informed, I can handle it.

I'm just gonna have to
communicate to Courtney

- _
- that this behavior isn't okay.

I bet no one's ever really
tried to talk to her, you know?

Meet her where she's at.

Juice?

Apple juice? Really?

Okay. Um...

Courtney, did you know
the emotional center

isn't actually in the heart
but in the brain?

- Pass.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay. Sit down. Hold on. Alright.

You're a leader, Courtney.

And maybe that's something

your other teachers
didn't see about you,

but I do.

I know that when you tie your
classmates' shoelaces together

and tell them to dance,

you're just looking for affirmation.

And, Courtney, I will affirm you.

We will sit down together,
maybe do a puzzle...

I bet you love puzzles
as much as I do...

And just work through some
of those feelings together.

Okay.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES] I mean...

So I reached out to her,
you know? Sat her down.

Because at the end of the day,

teaching is just about communicating,

and that's something I live by.

I don't want to compare, but, like...

Barbara,

have you ever been
roasted by your students?

One, they're .

Two, they respect me.

Three, what would they even say?

Mm.

Hey, I need to talk. Like to a friend.

You know how sometimes when
you're being chased by a dog

and you can't tell if it's playing

- or if it's trying to bite you?
- No.

But at the same time, you
don't want to stop running,

because if it isn't playing,
you're gonna get bit?

Look, I tried roasting my students back,

and it didn't work.

It got way worse and oddly specific.

Come on. It couldn't have been that bad.

They called me "HuffPo-reading
gay Pete Buttigieg,"

which is repetitive and insulting.

As if I would read a
word of Huffington Post

after Arianna stepped down.

You may just have to take
the L on this one, man.

I mean, you can't really
b*at them at their own game.

It's like them challenging you to...

Dungeons & Dragons.

Yeah, you can't really
challenge someone to D&D.

It's more like a cooperative
game that's all about

the shared experience
rather than winning.

[GASPS, SNAPS FINGERS]

Thank you, you ol' good
friendship having man.

[DOOR OPENS]

Is everything okay?

Oh, you tell me.

You got a little sleepyhead over there.

Do you want to know what I do

when a kid falls asleep in my class?

- Sure.
- Nothing,

'cause it doesn't happen. [CHUCKLES]

I keep my kids engaged.

Anyway, do you have a second

for me to show you
something regarding Courtney?

Alright, my little eagles.

We're gonna take quiet
time a bit early, okay?

Yes, Ms. Schemmenti.

I know you didn't pull me out of class

just so you could brag.

No, of course not.

Courtney's teaching us a new word.

[KIDS GIGGLING]

_

Courtney!

Look away, y'all.

[KIDS CONTINUE GIGGLING]

Alright, guys, we're gonna go into

Ms. Schemmenti's class for a little bit

while Mr. Johnson cleans the board

because Courtney decided
to use permanent marker

even though dry-erase was right there.

But she knew that. [CHUCKLES]

She knew that.

I heard there's a bet going.

Is it too late for me
to get in on the action?

I went from having one teacher

to two. Ain't that some [BLEEP]?

- Courtney!
- Courtney!

You know, I'm glad
she's in your class now

so you two can throw your
little tantrums together.

I'm sorry, was it not a tantrum

when you sent Courtney to my class

without warning me about
her behavioral issues?

Yes, I saw your notes in your file.

I did try to warn you, ya gabbadost,

but you got too big for your britches

and you didn't want to listen.

Well, maybe if you hadn't been
making fun of me yesterday,

I wouldn't have gotten defensive.

Janine, I was goofing.

Unlike when you called me a bad teacher,

something I would never call you.

You know, I-I know that
review hit you hard,

but I didn't deserve that.

[SIGHS] Okay.

I'm sorry. You're right.

You're right.

That review really,
really hurt my feelings,

and I took it out on you.

It wasn't even that bad.

It just said you were less experienced.

Listen, if you go look
at the Facebook reviews

of my cousin Rocco's
hoagie shop, you would think

the man sold food poisoning.

But he's gonna keep making hoagies.

You know why?

Most people love them.

You got to keep making hoagies.

Now, what are we gonna
do about this one?

[JANINE SIGHS]

Thank you for your business.

VICK: Ol' I should have been a hooper,

but basketball didn't exist lookin' boy.

s Slenderman in the face.

Okay, while these are hilarious,

let's try and incorporate some
of the lessons into the roast.

Ol' b*llet in the head at
Ford's Theatre lookin' boy.

My mans got ain't been sleeping
four score and seven years ago

bags all up under his eyes.

Abe Lincoln. I'm Abe Lincoln, Mr. Hill.

Yes, yes! Good work, team!

[KIDS CHEERING]

Yeah, I guess, like, thumbs up is

kind of our thing now.

Bye. Don't forget your homework.

- Ms. Schemmenti.
- Yes?

Courtney called me stupid.

No, I didn't. I called you "stupendous,"

- you idiot.
- Courtney!

You know what? I'm just
gonna go home and take a nap,

'cause I'm utterly depleted.

What'd she say?

[SCOFFS] One thing I will say,

that girl has a fairly
advanced vocabulary.

She corrected my math last week.

She threw a stapler first,

but she was right about the math.

You know, when I was
going through Part

of Courtney's file earlier,

I realized her grades
have never dropped.

- Mnh-mnh.
- And usually when a kid

is acting out like that,

you see it in their performance.

Yeah, that's what makes it tough.

Hard to discipline a kid
who's getting straight A's.

Alright. [SIGHS]

So, what if we rewarded her?

You might be onto
something there, rookie.

Okay, so if B makes it block,

then C makes it what?

Uh, not quite. Try again.

There you go. Good job.

Wow. You think you know someone,

and then they cheat on
you with their thumb.

Ol' Siskel & Ebert two
thumbs up lookin' ass boy.

Okay.

You want to bump the [BLEEP]
puzzles kid up a grade?

Yes. After talking to Melissa

about how she was able
to keep Courtney in line,

we realized the only thing that works

is when she feels challenged.

Are you sure you're not just trying

to dump Courtney on another teacher?

No, no, no. I feel

that with a more challenging workload,

Courtney will be much,
much easier to handle,

and she won't have time
to distract her classmates.

MELISSA: Mm-hmm.

Why does that sound so familiar?

Oh. Hold up.

Part ?

My bad, y'all. She was
supposed to skip second grade,

but they told me during Essence Fest.

I missed a lot of paperwork
during that month.

Isn't Essence Fest just a weekend?

Maybe for y'all.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, hey, Barbara! Nothing to see here,

just Janine going on and on
about what a handful Courtney is

and how she can't handle
the situation at all.

Is that so?

[CLICKS TONGUE] Fine.

I guess technically Janine succeeded.

She figured out that Courtney
needs to be bumped up a grade.

[SIGHS] Guess you win the bet.

Hmm.

Barbara?

You believed in me?

Janine, why don't you
go handle this transfer

so that your class
isn't any more disrupted

than it already has been?

Okay.

Mm.

It's a heart.

[VOICE BREAKING]
I learned that from Courtney.

I thought Barbara bet
against me, but she didn't.

She actually thinks I'm a great teacher.

Maybe even better than...

Courtney!

Hey, Courtney! What, get...

How'd you get back in
the building? Courtney!

[SIGHS]

It's barely wet. What you, the CDC?

I will expect some non-brassiere
money from you by tomorrow,

because, Ava?

Huh?

You do not want to owe me money.

Hmm.

Oh, damn.

[SNIFFS] Mm.

What?