02x02 - The Wire

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Resident Alien"...

I need to go home.

You're taking me home, right?

Harry, you can't fix it.

I have to. If I do not, I am stuck here.

If someone sees this,
then things will get worse for you.

[TENSE MUSIC]

- What's that?
- A survival kit.

Botulinum is injectable.

Maybe all he or she would
need to do is inject a toxin

into a single insulin vial.

Both the boot and the foot
were found in the same area.

What if they fought inside,

and then Harry threw dead foot guy

through the front doors?

And I throw you in the lake.

Looks like we might
have a new prime suspect.

You didn't complete your mission.

They'll just send someone
else to k*ll everyone for you.

Everyone, including Asta?

She's a human, so yes.

This cannot happen.

♪♪

Hello?

Asta?

Hello?

Asta?

Where is everybody?

♪♪

Asta?

D'arcy?

Ahh!

D'arcy. What happened to you?

You...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Sorry... you let me die.

You let us all die, big bummer.

Asta.

Way too late for her.

No, not Asta.

She's dead because of you.

I have to help her.

Help her what, get a better burial site?

Come on, I mean, she's
at the top of the hill.

It's as good as you can get.

I'm down by the pond and geese.

I'll just say that.

So... feeling bad yet?

'Cause you should.

I have to save her. Asta!

[SIGHS]

♪♪

Asta, Asta!

- [SCREAMS]
- Asta!

[SCREAMING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

Scary.

[BROWN BIRD'S "BILGEWATER"]

♪♪

I did some digging.

In and ' ,
Dr. Vanderspeigle was working

at St. Helens Hospital in New York,

so I left a message, to
get some background on him.

Hold on. What is this I'm seeing?

Did he come out?

No, it's like some
kind of hawk in a tree

over there ripping apart
a mouse or some sh*t.

It is nasty.

Mother Nature takes
no prisoners, Deputy.

- Can I look?
- That's a no-go.

What if he comes out and kills
somebody during the handoff?

Go ahead and twizzle me.

Okay, all right.

Here comes our not-so-good
doctor right now.

[TENSE MUSIC]

What's he doing with
all them buckets of dirt?

That's a lot of dirt right there.

Maybe he's burying
something under the cellar,

or someone.

♪♪

Man, that's enough dirt
for like five adults,

or maybe three adult
bodies, and five children,

and maybe two jockeys.

Speaking of jockeys,

when was the last time
you saw Todd Campbell?

- My dentist?
- Mm-hmm.

Are you suggesting he's a jockey?

Well, the man's short, he's bowlegged,

and he wears stripes.
That's a g*dd*mn jockey.

Why you want him drilling
in your damn teeth?

I'll never know.

♪♪

Summertime. My people love the cold.

But this body certainly
prefers these warm days.

The smell of flowers,

the sound of bugs rubbing
their legs together

for mating season.

It is more peaceful.

- Whoo!
- Yeah!

Ah, whoo!

Whoo!

Yeah, baby!

I hate this place.

Are you looking for a better
place to go this summer?

Hi, I'm Mayor Mitch.

Summer's just around the corner,

and I can't wait to welcome
you to Jessup, Colorado,

the safest town around.

Come taste our world-famous
mountain spring water.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

We have the most pristine
lakes in Colorado,

perfect for boating and swimming,

and if you love fishing,

we have five varieties of trout

and zero varieties of dead human feet.

When people disappear in Jessup,

it's in our world-famous corn maze,

so if you're out of patience,

and you just want to have
some fun, come visit us.

'Cause here in Jessup, the only
m*rder you'll see is onstage

at our summer Shakespeare festival.

Cool.

I'm just gonna put some cyanide
in my coffee and call it a day.

[SOFT MUSIC]

This is pathetic.

You've been digging for a week.

You wouldn't have to do any of this

if you had just gone home
like you were supposed to.

I could not go home
with that kid on board.

I could never get him past customs.

Yeah, that's why
there's an eject button.

That kid's body should have

been a sh**ting star over Texas.

You don't know anything about space.

You are a Colorado octopus.

Is that where we are? sh*t.

I thought this was India.
That is an Indian rug.

You are appropriating their culture.

That's not a good look, man.

I saw it at a red tag sale for $ .

I had to buy it.

Plus, I think it really
brings the room together.

Listen to you.

You... that's a great price, by the way.

You're becoming one of
them. Look how human you are.

You're even vulnerable to
your own people's att*ck.

I am not because I will cut
a hole in your octopus body

and wear you as a protective octo-suit

when they come to
eradicate all human life.

Wow, is this how you
treat a house guest?

Then I'm glad I didn't get you a gift.

♪♪

Who has touched this?

♪♪

That little sh*t bucket.

♪♪

Okay, little dickhead. Play
with my alien technology.

You deserve what's
going to happen to you.

♪♪

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

Oh, oh, wow. Whoa, whoa.

Whoa! Whoa.

♪♪

With my people coming to
k*ll everyone on Earth,

I will need a bunker to survive.

I will fix it up and present it

to Asta as her new home.

We will live,

and all the beer-drinking
douchebags can fry.

♪♪

- Have a good day.
- Thanks.

- Oh, Ben.
- Yeah?

Are you serious? She
cannot be the new doctor.

Dr. Smallwood is a wonderful physician.

You know, she was part of
the first stream of women

to graduate from Harvard medical school.

Yeah, in the s.

Years of experience.

Are you the little girl
with the broken arm?

No, I'm still the nurse.

Your patient is down that hallway.

Thank you, dear.

Hello there, Dr. Smallwood.
It's nice to see you again.

Hello, I know a Hawthorne
when I see one.

Ah, top of her game, as always.

Send my best to your
twin brother, the mayor.

Tell him I think he's
doing a dynamite job.

I will do that.

Can you please tell
Dr. Ethan to come back?

He texted me.

There was a family emergency.
He can't come back.

What am I supposed to
do? I'm here all alone.

- She's very experienced.
- Asta, Asta, come on.

Let's go. Time's a-wasting.

Sorry, D'arce. I can't leave.

Dr. Smallwood just started,
and it's pretty rough.

Dr. Smallwood? What
are you talking about?

She's been dead for like years.

Hello.

- Oh, God, ghost.
- I just saw your brother.

Look, it'll be fine. Ellen's here.

Please go enjoy your day off, okay?

Mayor's orders.

Yeah, let's get the heck
out of here before she starts

crawling around on
the ceiling on all fours.

- Come on.
- Okay, okay.

I'll get my things.

Have you... is it supposed
to rain tomorrow still?

Why are you acting so weird?

- What?
- Oh, my God.

Are you uncomfortable because
you kissed me last week?

Wow, just gonna shout that in public.

That's wonderful.

It was actually you who kissed me.

Oh, no siree, no. That's
not how it went down.

- It is how it went down.
- You want me to reenact it?

Look, I'll be you, you
be me, and I'll kiss you.

Grab your butt, and
show you how you did it.

Come on. Come on over here.

- No, no.
- I'll demonstrate.

- Very funny.
- That's how you were.

Oh, you're touching my butt.
You're touching my butt.

- Nope.
- You're touching my butt.

I didn't touch her...

Oh, I love the new sign, by the way.

♪♪

I want this person arrested.

You even know who did it?

Pretty obvious, mayor of Jessup.

Didn't you see his anti-Patience ad?

Yeah, it's horrible.

Ooh, looking forward
to the corn maze though.

Oh, me too, I heard a rumor,
back in the ' s, a kid

got lost in it for two weeks
and had to eat his friend.

Now, see, that's a g*dd*mn good maze.

Sure, kids eating
kids is fine in Jessup.

We find one foot in our lake,

suddenly people think
our town isn't safe.

Brutal m*rder of
a town doctor didn't help.

Well, and the next doctor disappearing.

I mean, people just don't vanish.

Kidnapper's still on the loose.

And the whole sign's coming down.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Soon all of this will be over.

Their unending consumption
and gluttony will be done,

and Asta and I will
be safe in the bunker.

But if everyone is gone,

who will keep the bunker clean?

I hate cleaning,

and from the look of Asta's car,

she's a real piglet.

- More coffee?
- Great.

Maybe Asta's giant father could be

in the bunker with us.

He can cook and clean,

and his aftershave
smells like fryer grease.

No, it wouldn't work. They
are father and daughter.

They may turn against me
and make me their servant.

- You look tired.
- I am.

My dreams have turned evil.

Sounds like a nightmare,

mind's way of working out fear or guilt.

So what's going on, Harry?

I'm building a bunker to save Asta

from a total extinction event,
and I'm going to lock you out

and then sweep up your
ashes with a dustpan.

Nothing.

♪♪

[CHUCKLES]

You know, we really need this.

We work way too hard.

You're actually supposed
to be working today, D'arce.

Well "Load" was supposed to
be Metallica's comeback album,

but life comes at you fast.

Can you at least take these sandwiches

down to the VIP group in Sheep's Meadow?

And please don't moon the tour groups.

You got it, and we'll see.

Ready to go.

[NAHKO AND MEDICINE FOR
THE PEOPLE'S "SIMPLICITY"]

♪ Simplicity, simplicity ♪

♪ Definitely becomin' me, becomin' me ♪

Yeah, baby, whoo!

- Dead ahead!
- Dead ahead!

Whoo!

♪ New name on an old face,
a place I can escape ♪

♪ All the noise, all the noise ♪

Hold still. You're gonna get cut.

I always knew I was
very mature for my age.

I'm not trying to brag,
but I've had BO for a year.

You're not mature.

You still laugh at scatological humor.

What's that?

- Poop jokes.
- [SNORTS]

- Poop.
- Wake up.

This happened to you
because you went to space.

I don't think that's how space works.

Well, it's definitely
not how puberty works,

so what else could it be?

I have no idea.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪♪

[KNOCKING ON THE DOOR]

Hey, guys.

I brought you some toaster
strudel and fruit punch.

It's okay, Mom. We're not hungry.

No thank you.

My mom said if you
offered me any junk food,

I should say no because
it will slowly k*ll me.

Okay.

Not junk, tasty snacks.

[WHISPERS] What the hell?

[NANCI GRIFFITH'S "BOOTS
OF SPANISH LEATHER"]

♪♪

♪ Oh, I'm sailing
away my own true love ♪

And we're gonna take things down a notch

by mellowing out with the closing track

from Asta's junior year birthday mix.

Start with a party, end with a vibe.

That's what I always say on KPRJ radio.

Kind of describes that year in general.

Why?

♪♪

♪ From the place where I'll be landing ♪

Right, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have put it on...

No, no, it's good.

I listened to this song a million times

while I was pregnant with Jay.

I think she liked it,
too. She'd always kick.

I should have been there.

Me, not just some stupid playlist.

What do you mean? You didn't even know.

♪♪

But I should have.

I wish you would have told me.

I would have come running.

I just don't like secrets.

I hope you know the only reason

I would ever keep anything from you is

'cause I don't want to dump sh*t on you.

What are you keeping from me?

What?

Nothing.

♪♪

I'm talking about Jay.

♪♪

You know, you were training in Europe.

I knew, if I told you, you would leave.

I didn't want you
ruining your life, too.

I'm sorry, ruin my what?
I have a great life, Asta.

I just watched my
best friend take a piss

off the side of my boat.

- [LAUGHS]
- It's awesome.

♪♪

[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC]

- Hey.
- Not working today?

Nah, D'arcy rescued me from the clinic,

took me to the lake.

Yeah?

I hope you wore a life jacket,
maybe two.

What, why?

You're the only one keeping
that alien from taking us out.

Anything happens to you,
everybody on Earth is dead.

Do you think this blue is too dark?

I can't help that I'm
Harry's only friend.

Maybe he should have some more.

We're a great town.

If he can't see the
value of humans here,

then maybe we should become extinct.

♪ I was reaching to the sky ♪

♪♪

- What's he eating?
- Not sure.

Chowder?

Whatever it is, he just
dipped his pie in it.

Pie and chowder?

That's the meal of a serial k*ller.
Watch this.

You want to understand a m*rder*r,

you gotta get inside his food head.

Jay.

Yeah?

I'll have what Dr. V. is having,

the exact same order.

- Are you sure?
- Exact same.

If he got a fly in his
thing, I want a fly in mine,

but put the fly on the side though

'cause I don't eat no flies.

They walk on sh*t.

Okay.

Now Max Hawthorne and his girlfriend

just walked in and sat across from him.

Really?

Oh, what are they doing? Can
you tell what they saying?

I think Dr. V. just said,

"I don't eat with space pirates."

What?

I like your face.

I see you took the trampoline
to the ceiling fan store.

[LAUGHS]

You know it's not from a fan store.

- He had a full-grown beard.
- Hmm.

Obviously, your spaceship

caused gravitational time dilation.

Obviously.

Obviously, your pea-sized brain

is very lonely in that
cavernous skull of yours.

[LAUGHS]

These idiots have no idea
his hormone irregularity

was caused by the alien
technology he stole.

It's incredibly rude.

I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.

I was calling you an idiot in my head.

I have a question.

Uh...

"What kind of toilet would Asta like

to poop in in a bunker?"

- That can't be right.
- Come on, Deputy.

I thought you took a
lipreading workshop.

I could only afford
the first three classes,

but I get lots of practice
at family gatherings.

My grandma talks a lot of sh*t about me.

We're not answering
any of your questions

until you help him.

Okay, I will help him

if you stand on your seats
and shout, "I just farted."

I'm not your puppet.

I'll do it. I'll be your puppet.

No, not you.

You obviously want to do it.

That's why it has to be her.

Apple pie and plain oatmeal.

Extra, extra, extra milk. No flies.

Enjoy.

He's a damn psychopath.

I just farted!

- Max said, "I just..."
- I heard that.

I heard that part.

Oh, now the kids are leaving. Oh, wait.

Asta just came in.

Like musical chairs in here.

You are late. I finished
eating without you.

I think you'll survive.

I prefer to eat with you.
You order a lot of food.

I like to forage off of your plate.

Well, maybe you should try foraging off

someone else's plate, hm?

I'm like your only friend.

I need only one friend.

And one bunker butler,
but I'm working on that.

Maybe that one.

No, she looks like she may leave hair

on the wall of the shower.

I think you should spend more time

with some other people in town.

I have met all the other people in town.

They are annoying flesh monkeys.

Okay, come on. You got it.

Here we go.

- Hey, Liv.
- Hi.

Sheriff, Harry would like to
join your weekly poker game.

Oh, really? Huh.

Asta said I do, so I do.

Oh, you know what, Dr. Vanderspeigle?

That'd be real nice.

It'd give us a chance to
get to know one another.

Okay. You going to finish that?

- No, go right ahead.
- Thank you.

You see that?

Now, I don't know no normal
man that eat that much pie.

- I don't care how good it is.
- This, too, eh? I mean, thank you.

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

Okay, players. Game is Texas hold 'em.

Tournament style, $ buy-in.
Quarter for the small blind.

¢ for the big blind.
There are only three rules.

No spitting, no crying,
and no funny business.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

[FAKE LAUGHS]

I am glad I am here.

This game will give me a chance

to audition more potential
helpers for our bunker.

Is anybody here worth saving?

All right, well, let's
get this show on the road.

♪ This is a raid ♪

Oh, and everybody welcome Harry who says

he knows how to play.

I call bullshit, but he's a rich doctor,

so I'm gonna take him for all he's worth

and buy a new pair of roller skates.

I know how to play.

I spent minutes on YouTube
to master this silly game,

and I mostly just watched
videos of a dog named Tuna.

Oh, careful there.

This card table is actually
a Hawthorne family heirloom.

Wish there was a story about the table.

- Are you sh1tting me...
- John.

Oh, there is actually.

It once belonged

to my two-times great
grandfather Dickie Hawthorne.

He built the first saloon
here in Patience.

b*rned down in the great fire of ' ,

but old Dickie, he risked his life

to save this very table that
we're playing on tonight.

Didn't three people die in that fire?

- Four.
- The thing to focus on, I think,

is that the table is here.

It should actually
be in the town museum,

but someone keeps on taking it out.

We should probably
just kiss and make up.

She's kidding. We're... I'm very...

We kiss a lot though, so it's weird.

In high school, we dated briefly.

Yeah, and recently, we made out.

[CHOKES]

She's kidding.

♪ This is a raid so put your hands up ♪

♪ We're gonna win this ♪

♪ Take the mon-mon-money,
this is a raid ♪

What about this one?

Maybe he has use to me in the bunker?

- Can you cook?
- Sure, I cook every night.

- Pie?
- Vegetables.

Raw, if I can, for the nutrients.

- I...
- Like to eat healthy stuff.

Pass.

I would rather just fill
the bunker with bales of hay.

Time to separate the boys
from the men from the girls.

♪ This is a raid ♪

Risk taker, interesting.

I'll raise. Better be careful.

Don't want you to go broke again.

Broke? What you talking about?

Rumor has it our doctor lost
all his money six years ago.

Tried to sell his cabin to my uncle.

I did not sell my cabin.

Yeah, you backed out of the deal,

which is why I'll enjoy
taking all your money tonight.

No one can figure out

how you managed to
hang on to that place.

- You getting all this?
- I'm getting it.

- Anybody got some gum?
- No, no, no, no, no.

I can sure use a piece of gum.

I had an onion sandwich.

It's in everybody's best interest.

Don't mind me.

I'm just gonna rake in
this pile of chips here.

The good news is when I
do win, all of this money

is going into making a Patience
tourism commercial.

♪♪

This little guy, huh?

♪♪

- Oh, my.
- There it is.

The mayor can transmogrify matter.

He must be part Anunnaki.

Maybe Mayor Snowflake lives.

His skill could be useful in the bunker

if there's a stray rodent
or a clogged toilet.

♪ Put your hands up in the air ♪

♪ Take the mon-mon-money ♪

Question.

In your medical opinion, you know,

as far as safety goes,

how long can someone
choke a person during sex?

Pass.

We can talk Tuesday about it.

♪ This is a raid ♪

All right, Deputy.
I'm in the men's room.

All clear, go ahead and
give me a double honk,

so I know you still hear
everything all right.

[CAR HONKS]

Okay, listen.

We need to find out
more about this cabin

and Harry's money
problems, so I need you

to find the realtor that
was handling the deal.

And then we need to set up
an undercover recon mission.

Do you copy?

- [HONKS HORN]
- Okay, good.

Deputy, it's time for a little
unofficial sheriff's business,

so you might want to
get off this channel

for just a couple minutes.

[CAR HONKS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Candle equipment.

That's not a real IOU.
Your candles are garbage.

Well, five stars on Etsy, Ellen.

I think the general
public would disagree.

Yeah, I have one. It's
rotten bathrobe scent.

That's cardamom.

Don't you usually keep
your bets under a quarter?

Yes, I do, John, but I need
to make this commercial.

And with these cards, I cannot lose.

- You lose.
- So do you.

Thanks for your money.

You can keep your bathrobe candle.

♪♪

How did that happen?

No, I was supposed to win!

Oh, my God!

Should have kept that
in the museum, bro.

Your grandfather's table is crap.

Now, undercover work is all
about the backstory, right?

So let's just take a minute
to get ours straight, okay?

Now, my name is Justin
Preacher, all right.

You're my wife,
Mrs. Justin Preacher, okay.

Now, I was a starting
pitcher for the Atlanta Braves

until I tore my ACL back in ,

but I transitioned right
into sports broadcasting,

was an overnight sensation
for an Atlanta affiliate,

and we moved out here because
I just got a lucrative contract

for a satellite radio station nearby.

I'm also a licensed pilot,
and I'm a horse rancher.

- Huh, okay, quite a life.
- Mm-hmm.

- And me?
- Oh, you?

You got the most
important job in the world.

You a stay-at-home mom

to our three kids Alvin,
Simon, and Theodore.

Actually, you know what? Scratch that.

Now, I wasn't gonna say nothing,
but you looking a little tired.

Probably got like five kids.

Ooh, this is nice.

Well, hello there. I am Bonnie Shaw.

- I'm showing the house today.
- Hi.

Justine Preacher. How do you do?

I'm a big-time sports broadcaster.

This is my cute, little
husband Mr. Preacher.

He stays at home with our five kids.

And that's why he looks so tired.

Wow, let's take a look at
the kitchen first, Mr. Mom.

It's every homemaker's dream. Come on.

Yeah, well, I'm also
a licensed helicopter pilot,

and I put out fires
with swimming pool water.

Well, you must be busy.

This is nice,

but we were looking for
something a little more rustic.

Do you know anything about
that red cabin off of Cove Road,

over in Patience?

It's got a private beach.
We saw it online.

It's funny you should ask.
That's the Vanderspeigle cabin.

I listed that myself a couple years ago,

and it's off the market right now,

but sometimes, owners can be convinced.

You know, honestly, the doc who owns it,

he might be a little bit of work.

He's a real mystery.

So you know him?

Oh, honey,

knowing everything about
my clients is my business.

I like that.

♪♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

How's it going?

It's all right.
I'm just waiting for my mom.

She's shopping for towels.

Oh, cool, so what's new?

- I got my driver's license.
- Whoa.

I can't really parallel
park for sh*t, but...

- Me neither.
- Jay.

Honey, why don't you go start the car?

- You can drive us home.
- Cool.

- Later.
- Later.

I always wondered if I would
ever meet Jay's birth mother.

I wanted to someday,
but reuniting a child

with her birth parent
is up to the child.

You know that, right?

Um...

I'm sorry. What I did was wrong.

It's just there she was,
you know, like, at the clinic

asking for work-study,
and, well, I crossed a line.

I just really wanted to help her.

I will never stop Jay from
wanting to be in your life,

but she has to be the one
to cross the street, not you.

♪♪

I know.

Okay.

So six years ago, he puts
his cabin on the market

- 'cause he needs the money.
- Mm-hmm.

Only to turn around and
pay the whole damn thing off

in cash one week later?

Half a million in cash.

That's some shady sh*t right there.

Do you think he's a contract k*ller?

Now, that's a good guess.

Man, ain't no honest man

got that much liquid just laying around.

Hell, I only got K in the bank,

and that's just for emergencies.

, ?

That's... seems like a lot.

Eh.

[ENGINE GRINDING]

Is there a problem, Deputy?

Oh, it just needs a new starter.

My mechanic can do it for parts,

but I don't have the $ .

Oh.

Well, you know, I was probably
rounding up to that anyway.

It's probably somewhere
like, I don't know, , .

Just enough for a rainy day.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'ma get out and push.

[SOFT MUSIC]

I think it's cool you're gonna

make a commercial for Patience.

Yeah, maybe if I show
some pretty pictures

of our town, people
will want to come visit.

- They already do.
- Hm?

My friend Scott said all
his California cousins

want to come here this
summer to see dead bodies.

- What?
- Wait, or a m*rder.

Hey, maybe I can play
a dead guy in your commercial.

No, no dead guys.

Max, Patience is a beautiful
and safe... very safe town.

There are no dead bodies here.

And this is where our town doctor

was brutally m*rder*d by his wife.

The doctor who replaced
him went missing,

but we expect his body
to turn up any day now.

Oh, don't forget to
enter the corpse raffle.

- What the hell is this?
- Look, everyone.

It's our town mayor, Ben Hawthorne.

Great-great-grandson of Dickie Hawthorne

who d*ed the day the mine collapsed,

but not with his fellow miners.

No, Dickie called in sick that day.

His wife found him in the whorehouse

and sh*t him in the face.

- I'm related to him.
- No, just an old rumor, buddy.

Old rumor, not true.

We're walking. Come on.

Take your pictures if you'd like.

♪♪

Come on. Let's get a move on, Deputy.

Sir, you're not gonna believe
who just returned my call.

St. Helens Hospital said
Dr. Vanderspeigle was disciplined

after they found him in a lab
he wasn't authorized to be in.

And do you know what
they kept stored there?

- What?
- Botulinum toxin.

Are you sh1tting me? Damn.

We might have put the
wrong person behind bars.

Looks like it's time to
talk to Dr. Vanderspeigle.

- Yeah.
- But first,

I have to drop off this dry cleaning.

What? Justice doesn't wait
for no dry cleaning.

It's half-price Tuesdays.

This is some sh*t here.

People, stay together.
We have a lot to see.

Oh, my God.

Oh, another special treat today.

Here we have the Patience sheriff

who single-handedly put
the wife of Sam Hodges in jail.

Rumor has it she's close
to death in her prison cell,

rats waiting to feast
on her k*ller corpse.

We're walking. Bye, handsome.

♪♪

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

_

[RADIO SCANNING]

You're listening to . ,

and we have a special
listener request on the line.

What do you want us to play?

Hey, I'd like you to play
The Breeders' "Off You"

for my best friend Asta,

and tell her, if she needs
me, I'll always come running.

Wait, I know this voice. D'arcy?

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] D'arcy?
No, this Sasha. Hello, yes.

Yeah, D'arcy. We dated for five months.

I think I know your voice,
and the night we broke up

you stole six bottles
of wine out of my fridge.

I don't have no stealing wine.

Only vodka, so okay.
Play song for best friend.

- Jesus.
- And then go.

Fine. Here's The Breeders, I guess.

[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC]

♪♪

♪ I land to sail, island sail ♪

♪ Yeah, we're movin' ♪

♪ Yeah, we're movin' ♪

Harry?

Hello?

What's the big surprise?

[METAL CLANKING]

Harry?

[TENSE MUSIC]

Harry?

Harry?

What the hell is this?

My survival shelter and your new home.

[SOFT MUSIC]

You can choose the rugs.

♪♪

Why do you have a fallout
shelter under your house?

I built it for us,
so that we can be safe

when my people come to k*ll everyone.

What?

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

My people are coming to k*ll everyone.

When?

Octopus thinks it may
be a matter of weeks.

Whoops.

Hello again, stupid human.

God, I hate when you do that.

The bathroom will be over here

if they come before I get a real toilet,

we can use this bucket.

It is unisex.

Oh, and I am getting a cow
if I can figure out

how to get it through the opening.

- You're joking, right?
- You are right.

The opening is too small.

I may get a baby cow and raise it.

Harry, this is not okay.

This was all supposed to be over with.

Why are your people coming?

They are... how did you put it?

Oh, it was "eager to
fry all you Earth pigs."

That.

I can't do this. No, no, no.

You expect me to live
underground with you for weeks?

Oh, no. It will be at least a year.

I know that you like the out-of-doors.

I painted you a window.

You can enjoy the beautiful
Colorado scenery.

♪♪

Feel the breeze.

Those are dead people.

That is the stupid boy.

You cannot see his frown
because my brush was too thick.

Nope, this isn't happening.
I'm not doing it.

I'm not living in a hole
in the ground with you

and that octo-thing.

Oh, wait.

Well, that's fine with me.

You think I want to spend the next year

watching you sh*t in a bucket?

Shh-shh!

Huh.

Don't go. It will be fun.

Octopus knows so many cuttlefish jokes.

They are so stuck up.

You're not taking me seriously.

Pizza.

You have to do something about this,

and hiding us underground
for a year isn't it.

You're an alien. You know, phone home.

Call them, and tell them not to come.

Did I tell you that we are
going to have all seasons

of "Law & Order" to watch?

Oh, God.

I would rather die than be
on this planet with just you.

- Rude.
- You don't get it.

So what, I'm just supposed to
come out after the apocalypse,

and everyone I know is dead?

I'm here all alone?

Also rude.

I'm talking about my family.
What about Dad and D'arcy?

What about Jay?

God, no. Don't you understand?

I can't live here if I have
to live without all of them.

So there you go, call them,

and tell them not to
come, or I will just die.

I know what this is.

You are bluffing, like in poker.

No, I'm not!

I would rather stand under
your stupid planet's death ray

and explode into a million pieces

than spend one second
in that hole with you.

She is good at bluffing.

I could possibly contact them,

but I want to k*ll all
the bags of douches.

It is my turn to bluff.

It's impossible. I cannot contact them.

Now you're bluffing.

I am bad at bluffing.

Okay, okay. I'll call your bluff.

If you don't mind that I die, good.

- What are you doing?
- I think I'll take a bath.

You are not really going
to electrocute yourself.

I've got the toaster all plugged in.

Whoo, nice and warm.
Really good way to go out.

Call it off, Harry.

I told you I cannot.

I do not like this game.
The stakes are too high.

You are not really in the bathtub.

If the toaster is plugged in,

it is because you are making toast.

Asta.

You didn't bring the bread.

This is very dangerous.

Then agree to call your people.

Okay.

It went straight to voicemail.

Goodbye, Harry.

See? I knew you didn't want me to die.

You just took your damn time showing it.

Of course I do not want you to die.

I will try to build a radio
to contact my people.

Be careful getting out of the tub.

Don't slip.

Coming from you, that's
a very sweet thing to say.

I'm going to go eat pizza now.

♪♪

[KNOCKING]

I'm just gonna keep knocking.

I got hands that can knock all day.

[KNOCKING]

Dr. V., open up.

We know you're in there.
We need to speak with you.

Don't make us come back
with a search warrant.

Hello, Asta, need to speak

with Dr. Vanderspeigle
about that severed foot.

He's not here.

Look, don't lie to me.

We saw him eating pizza through
the window when we rolled up.

I'm not lying.

Asta, I'm telling you this as a friend.

Harry is not who you think he is.

He could be dangerous.
Please don't protect him.

Uh...

Maybe come back later?

Look, if I have to arrest you

for obstruction of justice, I will.

Talking about some "come back later."

sh*t! What the hell is this?

Hold on.

Oh, my goodness. Well, I'll be.

Deputy, what's that say right there?

Botulinum toxin. The m*rder w*apon.

Oh, no.

All right, look, I'ma
ask you one more time.

Where is he, Asta? Where is he, Asta?

♪♪

He went to hide in the cellar.

You wait here.

Dr. V.?

Sheriff's department. We
coming down into the cellar.

I want you to put
your hands above your head.

You hear me? We're coming down here!

Dr. Vanderspeigle, where you at?

Whoa. What's with the g*ns?

Asta?

What in holy hell?