01x02 - I Love You

[bunniefuu]

TOMMY: What's up, lover?

PAMELA: Hey, baby.

TOMMY: f*ck, baby,
look at you.

PAMELA: Hey, baby.

TOMMY: Holy sh*t.

[squeals]
Get in!

TOMMY: Baby, I love you!

I love you, lover!

f*ck.

TOMMY: Wow, f*ck,
you are so hot.

PAMELA: Baby.

TOMMY: Baby.

Yeah.

PAMELA: Ah, I got it.

f*ck yes.

Yes.

Ah, baby.

I love you so much--

TOMMY: Whoa!
PAMELA: [squeals]

Careful, baby.

Are you okay?

Don't hurt yourself.
TOMMY: [yells]

PAMELA: Yes. [gasps]
TOMMY: [yells]

PAMELA: f*ck, I love you,
gorgeous.

["Lock Up Your Heart" playing]

SINGER: ♪ Won't you lock me ♪

♪ In your heart ♪

♪ And throw away the key ♪

♪ 'Cause
I'll love you forever ♪

PAMELA: [moans]
f*ck!

[moaning]

SINGER: ♪ For eternity ♪

TOMMY: Oh, f*ck.

PAMELA: [moans]
I wanna f*ck you forever.

[moans]
I love you so much.

[moaning]

SINGER: ♪ And love me
tenderly ♪

I love you.

[upbeat club music]

♪ ♪

CLUB PATRON: Whoo!

[cheering]

Girls night!

[cheering]

Cheers!

[laughter]

Mmm.

You know what?

I am done with bad boys.

Here we go.

I am, I'm so over

the fights, the drama.

I've heard this before.

PAMELA: You know what I want?

Like, nice, sweet...
regular guy.

You know, somebody boring.

Yeah.

A doctor, lawyer.

Yes.

[sighs] An accountant.

No, please not an accountant.

[laughter]
- Okay.

Wouldn't that be nice?
Wouldn't it be so nice?

I could just like, stay home,
you know,

cook dinner, watch a movie.

Just, you know,
chill on the couch.

With the dogs.
PAMELA: Yes, with my dog

and my cute, boring
accountant boyfriend.

Pammy, girl,
that is so what you need.

I know, I know.

These rock stars,
actors are f*cking crazy.

All of 'em.

God, forget it,
so not worth it.

I've been telling you that.

I am done with self-obsessed.

MELANIE: Yes.
- And I am done

with high-maintenance.

ALL: Yes!

Hallelujah.

You know what?
From now on,

bad boys are out,
and good boys are in.

ALL: [excitedly] Yes!

To accountants!

Accountants!

ALL: Accountants!

[cheering]

Let's get sh*ts.

Tequila.
PAMELA: [gasps] Nope.

Goldschlager.

You know what,
the whole f*cking club!

[cheers]

Whoo!

[Crystal Waters'
"What I Need" playing]

SINGER: ♪ I feel my heart
and soul ♪

♪ I feel the b*at ♪

♪ I wish someone will give me ♪

♪ What I say, what I say ♪

♪ What I need, I need ♪

♪ I need, need, need, yeah ♪

Compliments
of Pamela Anderson.

Who?

Pamela Anderson.

SINGER: ♪ What I need,
I need, I need ♪

SINGER: ♪ You are the man ♪

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ You are the man ♪

♪ The one and only man ♪

♪ That I need, yeah ♪

f*ck you, Tommy!

[scoffs]
- Oh, yeah, go, Tommy!

For what?

It's just this
work thing.

Yes, the producers are

flyin' out a bunch of,
you know,

syndicators and affiliates

to this big fancy resort
to schmooze

and preview the new season.

And meet Pam Anderson.
[giggling]

- Yes.
- That too.

The sh*t you have to
go through with these guys.

It's fine.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ Get it ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Huh ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Come on, now ♪

♪ Huh ♪

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

Yes, get me.
[squeals]

[laughs]

MELANIE: Girl.

Yes.
TOMMY: [laughing] Yeah.

Yes, you come to me!

TOMMY: Yes!
- Yes!

[upbeat dance music]

[giggling]

[La Bouche's "Be My Lover"
playing]

♪ ♪

[glass shattering]

Opa!

I'm Greek.

I'm Pam.

SINGER: ♪ Be my lover,
wanna be my lover ♪

[cheering]

[upbeat dance music]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ Looking back on all
the time we spent together ♪

♪ You oughta know by now
if you wanna be my lover ♪

♪ Wanna be my lover ♪

♪ Go ahead and take your time,
boy, you gotta feel secure ♪

♪ Before I make you mine,
baby, you have to be sure ♪

♪ You wanna be my lover,
wanna be my lover ♪

♪ Wanna be my lover ♪

♪ La da da dee da da da da ♪

We looked down
and there's this, like,

long trail of ants
and he just...

Ants?

No!
- I sh*t you not!

We're, like, yes!

[laughs]

Whoo!

Disgusting!
MELANIE: Gross.

Hey, I gotta go
drain the main vein.

[laughing] Okay.

[upbeat club music]

MELANIE: Pam.
- Yes, yes, yes, what?

He is trouble.

Oh, gosh, will you relax?

MELANIE: No.
- Melanie, please, Melanie.

Promise me
you're not gonna date him.

No, of course I'm not
gonna date him, I'm not.

Promise.

I am not gonna date him,

he's just, you know,
he's just funny is all.

[gasps] Pammy, no!

Good boys are in!

Good boys are in,
good boys are in.

Good boys are in, I know,
I know that.

- Okay.
- It's fine.

I'm not gonna date him.

Don't date him.

I am not gonna date him.

MELANIE: Pinky.
- [giggles]

[giggles]

[wheezes]

I'm okay.

Really, I'm okay.

Hey.

It's a very dangerous lot.

PAMELA: Oh, yeah, sure.

TOMMY: Lotta murders.
PAMELA: [laughs]

I gotta go.

TOMMY: It's not even : !

- I know, but--
- I have to see you

again tomorrow.

[laughs] It is tomorrow.

Perfect,
where are we goin'?

[moans]

[laughing]
Oh, God, I gotta go.

I'm, um...

I'm leaving for work
in a few hours.

To where?

Uh, Cancún.

I f*cking love Cancún!

No, it's for work!

TOMMY: Not if Tommy's around!

PAMELA: To--Tommy!

Tommy, what are you--

- Hey!
- [yelps]

I'm comin'.

Wha--you are not.

You are not coming.

Coming's what I do best.

[sighs]

- Come on.
- Good night.

- No, come on, pretty please.
- Tommy.

- Can I come with you, please?
- Good night, no, no.

Pretty please
with sugar on top?

With sugar,
some sprinkles, and a cherry?

[giggles] No!

[sighs]
Good night, Tommy.

[sighs]

Fine.

[sobs]

[chuckling]

Okay, only under
one condition.

What?

[Martha and the Vandella's
"Nowhere to Run" playing]

♪ ♪

MARTHA: ♪ Nowhere to run to,
baby ♪

♪ Nowhere to hide ♪

[telephone ringing]

♪ Got nowhere to run to,
baby ♪

PAMELA: Hey, it's me,
you know what to do.

TOMMY: ♪ Tommy Lee in Cancún ♪

♪ Tommy Lee in Cancún ♪

♪ Tommy Lee and his wiener ♪

♪ Are f*cking coming
to Cancún! ♪

[groans]

[telephone ringing]

MARTHA: ♪ Everywhere I go,
your face I see ♪

PAMELA: Hey, it's me,
you know what to do.

TOMMY: Hola, mi amor!

[speaking Spanish]

MARTHA: ♪ Nowhere to hide ♪

TOMMY: Cancún!

Tommy is coming...

to Cancún!

PAMELA: [grunts]

Do not come.

TOMMY: Pamela!

Don't.
TOMMY: I am so stoked.

Tommy, Tommy.

TOMMY: Come on,
we're gonna have a blast.

Do not.

Come.

TOMMY:
I'm f*cking coming.

[chuckles] Goodbye, Tommy.

[bell dings]

PILOT: Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.

Welcome aboard Flight .

- You okay?
- Hmm?

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

PILOT: ...with your
seatbelts fastened.

Flight attendants,
please prepare for departure.

[Captain & Tenille's
"Feel Like a Man" playing]

♪ ♪

TENNILLE: ♪ I'm a woman
who's cried ♪

♪ And I'm a woman
who's lied ♪

♪ But I'm a woman who's tried ♪

♪ And I'm a woman, oh yeah ♪

♪ Who can make you
feel like a man ♪

Hi there, how are you?

Hello, and welcome

to the Ritz-Carlton,
Ms. Anderson.

Thank you.

These are your keys.
PAMELA: What time

is this thing till?
MELANIE: : .

HOTEL CLERK:
And these were left for you.

PAMELA: [gasps]

Oh, my gosh,
who is this from?

Oh, there's a card, open it.

No, it's probably just a fan.

Come on,
just f*cking open it.

Oh, my God.

[whispers indistinctly]

- What does it say?
- I'm opening it.

- Mm-hmm.
- [giggles]

"Here's to a kickass,
unforgettable weekend."

From?

Simon.

And the g*ng
at ITC Telepictures Worldwide.

Wow.

Beautiful.

[giggling]

Hmm.

[whimsical orchestral music]

EMCEE: Please welcome
Pamela Anderson.

[applause]

[cheers]

♪ ♪

Beautiful.

Yes, hi.

How are you?

Such a pleasure to meet you.

- How's it going? Hey.
- Ever been to Grand Rapids?

You are massive there.

Fred Acters from KDFI.

Ooh, hi, Fred, nice tie.

It's such
an honor to meet you.

Wow, you're even prettier
in person.

Ooh, firm shake, hi.

JAMES: James Zellner,
Dayton, Ohio.

PAMELA: Oh, God,
there's so many of you.

It's so exciting.

We're gonna have
a fun time tonight.

JAMES: So I have to ask.

PAMELA: Mm-hmm?
JAMES: Is "Baywatch," like,

the best job?

PAMELA: Oh, yeah.

I love it, I get to go

to the beach every day,
it's great.

I understand
you're from Canada.

Yes, I am.

I used to work in Calgary.

- Oh, wow.
- CBRT.

JAMES: Got everything
in Calgary.

I hope so.

I was
a station manager up there.

What part are you from?

I'm from Ladysmith.

- Ladysmith.
- Mm-hmm.

Where's that at?

Uh, near Vancouver.
It's pretty small.

BUSINESSMAN: Vancouver.

CIVT,

our sister station.

PAMELA: Ah.
- Tell her the Jerry story.

A really funny story
about their transmitter--

I'm sorry, um, Ms. Anderson,

there's a phone call for you.

He says it's urgent.

Oh, who?

A Mr. Wiener?

A Hugh G. Wiener.

[clears throat]
Excuse me.

HOTEL CLERK: Mm-hmm.

Are you crazy?

TOMMY: Kinda, yeah.

[scoffs]
How did you find me?

TOMMY: [scoffs] Easy.

Just call every hotel
in the Cancún area.

Oh, my God.

TOMMY: rd time's the charm.

[scoffs] Well...

you do get points for effort,

but you are still not
coming down.

TOMMY: You're right.

'Cause I'm already here.

No, you're not.

TOMMY: I'm here!

What?

TOMMY: You don't believe me?
- Shut up.

TOMMY: [yelling] Hear that?

[mariachi folk music]

That's f*cking Mexico.

Hey, what's up, amigos?

Yo soy Tommy Lee!

El mucho sexy drummer
de Motley Crue!

[crowd cheering]
Whoo!

[chuckles]

So where are we all
hangin' tonight?

We all?

Yeah.

You and your girls
and me and my boys.

Your boys?

TOMMY: Yup.

Come on,
I wasn't gonna come solo.

I didn't want you to think
I was some

crazy psycho stalker.

Huh, wouldn't want that.

So where are we going?

PAMELA:
Tommy, I'm here for work.

One drink.

No. I'm at a thing.

And you're bored
out of your skull.

No, I'm not.

You so are.

[scoffs] How do you know?

Kept you on the phone
this long, haven't I?

BUSINESSMAN: Figures
were going out of range, and...

JAMES: Yeah, yeah.

So then he says,

"Well, maybe we could attach
a signal boost."

JAMES: What?

And I'm like, "Jerry,

you couldn't amplify
that sucker enough

to reach Edmonton,
much less Winnipeg!"

[laughter]

I mean, I like the guy.
JAMES: Classic joke.

I'm sorry,
I'll be right back.

BUSINESSMAN: Oh, sure.

MELANIE: This man is a stalker.

[laughs]
He's not a stalker.

He followed you to Mexico
against your wishes.

That is the literal definition.
- Yeah, well, you know,

it's not like
I'll be alone with him.

You guys will be there.

MELANIE: I know how
these things start with you.

Oh, it's not like
I even take him seriously,

I'm just, you know.
MELANIE: [groans]

That's how these things
start with you.

You say you don't
take them seriously,

then you end up dating them
for three years.

Oh, my God,
that is so not true!

MELANIE: Scott Baio.

PAMELA: Fine.

One.

MELANIE: Bret Michaels.

David Charvet.

Oh, Melanie, come on,
I'm so not staying in tonight.

Come on, we can make it
a girls night!

PAMELA: [giggling]

Oh, you know what,
if we go out,

there's gonna be boys,
so it might as well be them.

Them?

PAMELA: Mm-hmm.

Oh, hell no.

PAMELA: [giggles]
- Pam!

[romantic instrumental music]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ Don't try
to love me ♪

♪ Just love me ♪

♪ Don't try to hold me ♪

[chuckles]
Look at you.

[giggles]

You are,
without a doubt,

the most f*ck--

I'm sorry,

I'm afraid the bar
has a dress code.

I got a shirt and shoes.

I see that.

But...
- But what?

Tommy, it's okay.

It's not okay.
[chuckles]

This dude is--
is discriminating me.

Am I not wearing
a shirt and shoes?

[whispering] Oh, dear.

A dress code isn't always
just about

shirt and shoes.

TOMMY: Okay.

Okay, you know what?

f*ck you.

[gasps]
TOMMY: Bro.

f*ck you.

And f*ck your,
uh, stuffy-ass bar too.

All right.

Let's go.

I know a way cooler spot.

[ Boyz' "Tootsee Roll"
playing]

SINGER: ♪ Let me see
the Tootsee Roll ♪

- ♪ Yeah,
- Quad ♪

♪ Boyz backed up by
the Quad City DJ's ♪

[groans]

♪ One time, cotton candy,
sweetie go ♪

♪ Lemme see the tootsee roll ♪

♪ Come one come all
Tootsee Roll ♪

♪ Just make that Tootsee Roll
Tootsee Roll ♪

♪ Here we go, here we go,
Tootsee Roll ♪

♪ Just make that Tootsee Roll
Tootsee Roll ♪

♪ Yeah, come on Tootsee Roll ♪

♪ Lemme see that Tootsee Roll
Tootsee Roll ♪

♪ Get up and roll
Tootsee Roll ♪

♪ And make that Tootsee Roll
Tootsee Roll ♪

♪ To the left, to the left ♪

♪ To the right, to the right ♪

♪ To the front, to the front ♪

♪ To the back, to the back ♪

♪ Now slide, slide, baby,
slide ♪

♪ Just slide, baby, slide ♪

[cheering]

TOMMY: Yo, gimme an S!

CROWD: S!

Gimme an E!

CROWD: E!
TOMMY: Gimme an X!

CROWD: X!

What's that spell?

CROWD: Sex!

[cheering]

[upbeat club music]

[cheers]

TOMMY: Care for another?

Sure.
[cheering]

Whoo!

What?

[upbeat dance music]

Nice!

Thanks, buddy!

[upbeat dance music]

Whoo!

Yeah!

Thank you!
Thank you!

- You are extremely welcome.
- [giggles]

Ah.

What is that?

Love.

[crowd cheering and chattering]

Cheers.

[Whitney Shay's "Just When
I Thought I'd Seen it All"]

SINGER: ♪ Just when I thought
I'd seen it all ♪

♪ You came along
to rescue me ♪

♪ You read my writing
on the wall ♪

♪ You found my bottle
in the sea ♪

♪ Just when I thought
I'd seen it all ♪

♪ I see something beautiful ♪

♪ No greater love
I can recall ♪

[laughter]

Whoa.

Oh, my God.

Dude!
PAMELA: [giggles]

You f*cking...kidding me?
PAMELA: You like it?

TOMMY: Yes!

[laughs breathlessly]

Whoo!
- [giggles]

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

[panting]

Oh, f*ck.

Dude.

[panting]

[groans]

Mm.

[belt buckle jingling]

[pants]

[exhales]

Would you like...to meet him?

Yes, I would.

[breathlessly]
He's beautiful.

[Donovan's "Hurdy Gurdy Man"
playing]

[gentle acoustic music]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ Throwin' like a star
in my vast sleep ♪

♪ I opened my eyes
to take a peek ♪

♪ To find that
I was by the sea ♪

♪ Gazing with tranquility ♪

♪ 'Twas then when
the Hurdy Gurdy Man ♪

♪ Came singing songs of love ♪

♪ Then when the
Hurdy Gurdy Man ♪

♪ Came singing songs of love ♪

♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy,
hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang ♪

♪ ♪

[moans]
Tommy.

TOMMY: I'm...in love.

[whispered]
I think she's the one.

PENIS: [groans]
You really think so?

TOMMY: I do.

PENIS: Oh,
I hate those words.

"I do."

TOMMY: [breathlessly]
Sometimes,

they gotta be said.

PENIS: [groans]
f*ck.

TOMMY: What?

Well, we've been
down this road before.

And it never ends well.

[sighs]

This is different.
PENIS: Really?

TOMMY:
She is different.

PENIS: Oh, come on,
they're all different.

You saw her.

She's f*ckin'...

perfect.

So is Heather!

Hello?

Heather was...

too conservative.

PENIS: Oh.

Pam knows how to have fun.

PENIS: [groans]

She can be wild.

We can be wild together.
PENIS: Come on.

I don't have to change
who I am as a person.

PENIS: Tommy, Tommy!

What?

You sound f*cking ridiculous.

TOMMY: It's just how I feel.

[chuckles]

I'm in love, bro!

PENIS: Sorry,
that's just the E talking.

It's the T.
As in Tommy Lee.

PENIS: Oh, don't do that.

You listen to me,

you have just gotten divorced.

I don't care.

PENIS: We gotta keep this

p*ssy train rolling!

Do you hear me?
- Sorry, bro,

I'm jumping off.

Come on, what about
Jenny McCarthy?

What about?

Guarantee we could f*ck her!

Hmm, not interested.

PENIS: Denise
f*cking Richards?

You saw her scoping you out at

the Halloween party
at the Playboy mansion.

TOMMY: Pass.
- You're passing

on Denise f*cking Richards?

On all of 'em.

Tommy,
you're not thinking clearly.

[whispers]
My thinking is crystal.

Dude.

Do not f*ck this up.

Pam...and Tommy.

[chuckles]
PENIS: Don't do this, man.

Do not f*cking do this.

[whispers] Forever.
PENIS: [groans] f*ck me!

PAMELA: [moaning] Tommy.

[gasps]

[exhales]

PAMELA: [gasps]
- Let's keep this party goin'.

[breathlessly] Tommy.

Yes, Pamela.

[whispered]
I don't do dr*gs.

[chuckles]

Oh, I mean it,
Tommy, I'm a good girl.

I am, I'm a good Christian girl

from small-town Canada.

[laughs]

[gasps]

[moaning]

Yeah.

[quiet music playing]

The body of Christ.

[giggling]

[exhales]

[Nicki French's "Total Eclipse
of the Heart " plays]

SINGER: [vocalizing]

[dance music]

♪ ♪

♪ Turn around,
every now and then ♪

♪ I get a little bit lonely ♪

♪ And you're never
coming 'round ♪

♪ Turn around,
every now and then ♪

♪ I get a little bit tired ♪

♪ Of listening to
the sound of my tears ♪

♪ Turn around,
every now and then ♪

♪ I get a little bit nervous ♪

♪ That the best of
all the years have gone by ♪

♪ Turn around,
every now and then ♪

♪ I get
a little bit terrified ♪

♪ And then I see
the look in your eyes ♪

♪ Turn around,
bright eyes ♪

♪ Every now and then
I fall apart ♪

♪ Turn around, bright eyes ♪

♪ Every now and then
I fall apart ♪

♪ And I need you now tonight ♪

♪ And I need you
more than ever ♪

♪ And if you only
hold me tight ♪

♪ We'll be holding on forever ♪

♪ And we'll only
be making it right ♪

♪ 'Cause we'll never be wrong ♪

♪ Together, we can take it
to the end of the line ♪

♪ Your love is like a shadow
on me all the time ♪

♪ All of the time ♪

♪ I don't know what to do,
I'm always in the dark ♪

♪ We're living in a powder keg
and giving off sparks ♪

♪ I really need you tonight ♪

♪ Forever's gonna start
tonight ♪

♪ Forever's gonna start ♪

[upbeat club music]

♪ ♪

She's the one, bro.

ZAKK: Can't even imagine.

Imagine what?

What it must be like
to tap that.

[scoffs]
I know.

It's gonna be mind-blowing.

[laughs]

What?

You haven't f*cked her yet?

- Nuh-uh.
- Oh, sh*t,

what the f*ck you been doin'
the last four days?

Just, like, exploring?

Oh, I'm sure it's
f*cking amazing, but still.

You gotta hit that.

Oh, I will.

Eventually.

ZAKK: Eventually?

I'm gonna wait.

Till our wedding night.

- Oh, oh.
- Yeah.

♪ ♪

To everlasting love.

SINGER: ♪ There's only
two special things ♪

♪ That you see here ♪

ZAKK: Yo, what're you--

Pamela!

Yes, Tommy?

[chuckles]

You are by far the baddest,

raddest, sexiest, most far-out,

kickass chick
that I've ever met!

Next to you,

Carmen Electra's a hack!

[crowd chuckles]

You make Jenna Jameson
look like a four!

[giggles]
[scattered cheers and laughter]

I can think of nothing
that I would rather do

than spend the rest
of my life just

loving the sh*t out of you!

[chuckles breathlessly]

Pamela...

Yes, Tommy?

[exhales]

[gasps]

zakk: [whispered] sh*t.

Would you do me
the insane honor of...

Being my wife?

[breathlessly] Okay.
[giggles]

[raucous cheering]

[Len's "Steal My Sunshine"
playing]

[all cheering]

SINGER: ♪ Indulging
in my self-defeat ♪

PAMELA: [squealing]

SINGER: ♪ My mind was thugged,
all laced and bugged ♪

♪ All twisted wrong and b*at ♪

TOMMY: Hey, señor!

[stutters in broken Spanish]

[stuttering in Spanish] God!
- We're getting married!

A padre?
TOMMY: Sí!

Uh, yeah.

Yay!
PAMELA: [squeals]

[cheers]
Come on, baby!

Here we go.
Let's go.

♪ ♪

PAMELA: [squeals]
TOMMY: [yells]

SINGER: ♪ If you only say ♪

♪ What you would have done ♪

TOMMY: Pamela!

Yes!

PAMELA: Hi!

TOMMY: Are you a priest?

Sí.
[speaking Spanish]

- [sighs]
- Thank f*cking God.

[high-pitched]
Yes!

SINGER: ♪ Making sure I'm not
in too deep ♪

PRIEST:
[speaking Spanish]

SINGER: ♪ If you steal
my sunshine ♪

SINGER: ♪ Keeping versed
and on my feet ♪

You may kiss the bride.

[bouncy pop music]

♪ ♪

[all cheering]

SINGER: ♪ I was frying
on the bench slide ♪

♪ In the park
across the street ♪

♪ L-A-T-E-R ♪

[cheers and applause]

SINGER: ♪ My sticky paws were
in to making straws ♪

We're f*cking married!

SINGER: ♪ An incredible
eight foot heap ♪

[cheering]

SINGER: ♪ Now the funny glare
to pay a gleaming tare ♪

♪ In a staring under heat ♪

♪ Involved
an under usual feat ♪

♪ And I'm not only among
but I invite ♪

♪ Who I want to come ♪

[Peggy Lee's "That's My Style"
playing]

♪ ♪

I'm gonna service you
for the rest of my life.

SINGER: ♪ That's my style ♪

[squeals]

SINGER: ♪ And I know
when I see it ♪

♪ And I see it and I know it ♪

♪ And I just can't
quite forgo it ♪

♪ He's got that chemistry ♪

♪ That melts me down
and ruins me ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Cut out those engines now ♪

♪ And clang those bells
I'm burning while he, yes ♪

♪ That's my style, yes ♪

♪ That's my style,
yes ♪

♪ That's my style ♪

[airplane engine humming]

[whispered]
f*ck.

So, um...
- Mm?

Like, what's
your favorite movie?

Um...

Uh, you mean like,
of all time?

Um, "Pretty Woman."

- Cool.
- Yeah.

I love--I love
romantic movies.

Yeah, you know, like, "Ghost,"

uh, "Sleepless in Seattle."

Mm.

You?

- Favorite movie?
- Yeah.

[chuckles]
sh*t, I got a ton.

Um, "Child's Play."

"Nightmare on Elm Street."

Um, "Hellraiser ,"
"Candyman."

You like the scary stuff.

Yeah, horror, that's my jam.

[chuckles]

What's your favorite food?

French fries.

[chuckles]

I f*ckin' love French fries.

[Iggy Pop's "Real Wild Child
Wild One" playing]

[upbeat dance music]

♪ ♪

[reporters clamoring]

♪ ♪

Pam, over here.

[overlapping chatter]

REPORTER: Pam!
REPORTER: Pamela!

[reporters clamoring]

[upbeat dance music]

When's the honeymoon?
REPORTER: Pam!

Is it true you just met?
Was it love at first sight?

SINGER: ♪ Gotta dance
like a fool ♪

♪ Got the message that
I've gotta be a wild one ♪

Can we see the ring, Pam?

SINGER: ♪ Ooh, yeah,
I'm a wild one ♪

♪ Gonna break and loose,
gonna keep a-movin' wild ♪

♪ Gonna keep a swingin', baby,
I'm a real wild child ♪

[reporters clamoring]

♪ ♪

REPORTER: Pam, how long
you guys been together?

♪ ♪

f*ckin' ass.

f*ck you!
PAMELA: Oh, my God, baby.

Oh, my God.

Jesus.
Dude.

You're famous.

PAMELA: No.

No, we're famous.

[both chuckling]

Where we going?

Oh.

[exhales]
You mean,

you mean whose house?

Where we gonna live?

Where do you live?

[clears throat]

Uh, I live in the Hills.

Hollywood Hills above Sunset.

You?

Malibu.

I love Malibu.

Yeah, I got this

fat-ass crib
around the top of a hill.

Actually, you know what?

That's, uh,
timing's perfect

'cause I'm--I'm about to start
this big-ass renovation.

Oh, yeah, you are?

Yeah, we could
renovate together.

I mean, like,
we could custom build

our own little
private...love palace.

Let's live there.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah!

All right.
[laughs]

Let's do it.

TOMMY: Our own fortress
of solitude.

Over there, that'll be, like,

a Zen garden.

- Yeah?
- And there, you know,

a waterfall flowing into,
uh, a koi pond.

You know, just
f*cking--super f*cking chill.

- So Buddhist.
- Yeah, totally.

Hey, you know
what'd be awesome?

How about a meditation gazebo?

- Snap!
- Yes, you know,

whenever--whenever life
gets too chaotic and stuff,

we can just go in and just...
- Yeah, just pop in.

- We can center ourselves.
- Hop in the koi pond

and chill
your f*cking sh*t out.

[giggles]
You know what,

I've been really
into TM lately.

- I love TM.
- You do, do you practice?

TOMMY: Yeah,
I do it all the time.

Ever since I started,
you know,

I've just been, like,

way more chill and ca--
[camera shutters snapping]

Hey!
- [gasps]

Hey!

Get the f*ck outta here!
- Tommy!

I f*cking see you,
m*therf*cker!

Tommy,
what're you doing?

I see you!

Yeah, get
the f*ck outta here,

stalker-azzi piece of sh*t!

Do you wanna get sued?

Come on.

Calm down.
- We should be suing him!

For invasion of privacy!

It's okay, it's okay.

'Scuse me.
'Scuse me.

- Who the f*ck are you?
- I'm Lonnie.

The contractor,
we talked on the phone.

Oh!

Right on.

Uh, so meet the crew,

uh, this is Vinny.

Electrical.
TOMMY: 'Sup?

LONNIE: Dennis, plumbing.
- Right on.

Rand, carpentry.

Nice to meet you, man.

TOMMY: You too.

RAND: Oh wow,
cool tat.

It's a pentacle.

Uh, pentagram.

That's a pentacle.

Pentagram's
any five-pointed star.

The circle actually
makes it a pentacle.

You know, it's funny, most
people associate the pentacle

with Neo-Paganism
and witchcraft,

but it has its roots
in ancient Hebrew scripture.

The Israelites believe
that the pentacle was

the first of the Seven Seals.

You know,
the amulet that represents

the seven secret names of God?

I just think it looks
kinda badass.

[chuckles]

LONNIE: Anyway,
we shouldn't be here for long,

we just wanna do
a quick walkthrough

with the guys, you know, uh,

go through
your architect's plans.

Yeah, cool beans.

You guys do your thing.

If you need me,
I'll be right upstairs.

All right, hey.

Oh!

Yeah,
there might be...some changes.

Changes?

Yeah, I'm gonna switch up

the ol' concept a bit.

No more bachelor pad .

New concept,

love deluxe.

- Love deluxe?
- I got married!

You did?
Who's the lucky lady?

- Oh, man.
- Oh.

Hey, boys.

TOMMY:
Pamela f*cking Anderson!

PAMELA: [squeals]
Babe, stop!

Stop it, babe,
my Rice Krispies!

[indistinct speech over TV]

Have you decided yet?

TOMMY: Mm!

Hell yeah!

- No, God, no!
- Oh, yeah.

- Tommy, no, Tommy, gimme!
- Nope!

Mm-mm.

- Gimme that, please,
- Come on!

- God, no!
- Hey!

No, no, no, no, no!

- Come on!
- No, God, stop.

I can't watch myself.

No.
- Why?

Why not?

What?

I don't know, it's just--

I'm so much better in my head.

I--I get self-conscious,
I can't.

That's crazy.
You literally--

look at you,
you have nothing

to be self-conscious about,

especially not your...acting.

[scoffs]

You think I'm a good actor?

[crunches fry]
Uh, totally.

You can do anything.

Drama, comedy,
f*ckin'...Shakespeare.

Mm-hmm.

[chuckles]

[laughs]
Okay, well, how about that?

TOMMY: Totally.
PAMELA: Yeah?

- %.
- Oh, my God, I would love

to f*ck you in space.
[sighs]

[gasps]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
I haven't seen this in years!

[gasps and squeals]

The f*ck is this?

You haven't seen
"The King and I"?

How?

- I--
- Oh, my God, this is

one of my
all-time favorite movies.

- Eh.
- [giggles]

[indistinct TV audio]

Who's the chick?

The chick--that's Anna.

That's Anna.
That's Anna!

TOMMY: Okay.
- She's--okay, so she

was sent to Siam

and she's--her job there

is to teach English
to the king's children.

And...yeah.

How many f*cking kids he got?

[snorts]
A lot.

[chuckles]

Dude needs
to slap on a Jimmy hat.

[sighs]

Oh, I can't wait to be a mom.

I can't wait to knock you up.

[giggling]

Oh, your tits pregnant,
that's gonna be insane.

[giggling]

Have you got a big one?

[whispered]
You know I do.

[chuckling]

I mean family.

Oh, that.

Mm, do you have
any...siblings?

- One sister.
- Thanks, baby.

- Athena.
- Is she older or younger?

- Uh, two years younger.
- Yeah, you close?

Extremely.
Super.

Super?
Does she have kids?

Two.
Tobi and Miles.

They're the f*ckin' b*mb.

Yeah?
TOMMY: Mm.

[chuckles]
Those two little maniacs,

they cr*ck my sh*t up.

How old are they?

Uh, Tobi is...four,

and Miles is two.

They must love
their Uncle Tommy.

- Dude, we go hard.
- [laughs]

You think
I'm a madman in the club,

you should see me on
a f*cking teeter-totter.

[giggles]

[sighs]

I f*cking love you, Tommy Lee.

ANNA: Yes,
I like you very much.

[gasps]
Oh, my God.

I love this bit.

ANNA: It's a very

ancient saying.
- "Ancient saying.

"True and honest thought...

"that if you become a teacher,

by your pupils,
you'll be taught."

♪ As a teacher,
I've been learning ♪

♪ You'll forgive me
if I boast ♪

♪ And I've now become
an expert ♪

♪ On the subject--♪
[chuckles]

♪ I like most ♪

[chuckles]

ANNA: Getting to know you.
- "Getting to know you."

[laughs]

♪ Getting to know you ♪

♪ Getting to know
all about you! ♪

♪ Getting to like you ♪

♪ Getting to hope
you like me! ♪

- [chuckles]
- [giggles]

- [jokingly sobs]
- ♪ Getting to know you ♪

♪ Putting it my way,
but nicely! ♪

♪ You are precise ♪
Wait for this--

♪ My cup of tea! ♪

[laughs]
- Yeah!

So English.

TOMMY: Yes!

[both slurring]
♪ Getting to know you ♪

♪ Getting to be
free and easy ♪

Easy!

[giggles]

♪ When I am with you ♪
- With you.

♪ Getting to know
what to say ♪

What to say.

[laughing]

♪ Haven't you noticed ♪
- Noticed.

♪ Suddenly I'm bright
and breezy ♪

♪ Because of all
the beautiful and new ♪

♪ Things I'm learning
about you ♪

♪ Day by day ♪
- Day by day.

♪ ♪

♪ Getting to know you ♪

[yelling off-tune]
Getting to know you!

ANNA: ♪ All about you ♪
- ♪ Learn all about you ♪

- ♪ About you! ♪
- Oh, my God.

I've discovered
a whole new side of you.

♪ To hope you like me ♪

[laughs]

I should've taped it.

[gasps]

I could've blackmailed you
for millions!

This better stay
our little secret.

Tommy Lee,

Motley Crue drummer,

secret lover of musicals!

Don't you dare.

Oh, baby, I'm daring,

you try me.

You try me!
- Oh, oh, I'll try you!

That's right.
I'll try you.

Remember that.
- [laughing]

Assume the position.

No!

[yelling] Come here,
cave woman!

[laughs]

[squeals]
- Yeah!

Oh, you're not gonna fly

with this in your mouth!
PAMELA: [laughing]

No, oh, my God!
- No way!

No way!

Whoo!
- All right, all right!

All right,
it'll be our little secret!

CHORUS: ♪ Haven't you noticed ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm bright
and breezy ♪

♪ Because of all ♪

[both moaning]

♪ The learning about you ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

[bouncy rock music]

♪ ♪

SINGER: ♪ I've found
the rhythm of the world ♪

♪ I didn't know what
made the world go round ♪

♪ But now
I'm diggin' me the sound ♪

♪ I've found
the rhythm of the world! ♪

♪ I'm high,
I'm buzzing with the bees ♪

♪ A cousin of the birds
and bees and mine ♪

♪ And while
we're livin' till we die ♪

♪ Let's fly in rhythm
with the world ♪

♪ Listen to babies ♪

♪ Whenever they cry ♪

♪ They'll be laughin'
when you next pass by ♪

♪ Listen to lovers ♪

♪ Whenever they sigh ♪

♪ That's the rhythm
of the world ♪

♪ I've found
the rhythm of the world! ♪

♪ I didn't know what made
the world go round ♪

♪ But now
I'm diggin' me the sound ♪

♪ I've found
the rhythm of the world! ♪

♪ Well, listen
to your cities ♪

♪ Big, busy, and strong ♪

♪ Every city has its own... ♪