04x15 - The Head, the Tail, the Whole Damn Episode

[bunniefuu]

Jaws 4?

Yes. Jaws 4.
It was terrifying.

Shawn, you have to understand
why I'm conflicted here.

It's very difficult to
comfort you over what is
the worst sequel ever made.

Dad.
Shawn,

you are not going to
be eaten by a shark.

Sharks do not att*ck
people willy-nilly.
That's crazy.

So many random scenarios
have to line up.

Really?
Of course.

First of all,
the shark has
to be hungry.

He has to be attracted to
jumping, kicking, or sudden
movements in the water.

Maybe even somebody
with a cut.

But isn't it true that
most shark att*cks occur
in three feet of water?

Of course it is.
That's where
the swimmers are.

So, that's a skewed sample.

Do I watch for the fin?

No, that only happens
in the movies.

You never see them coming.
That's why they're called
the silent K*llers.

I thought that was
hypertension.

Either way,
stop thinking about it.
Could you do that?

Yeah. Okay.

Anyways, don't they
sleep during the day?

No. Sharks never sleep.

Just get out there,
have some fun and remember,
slow, steady movements.

Get in.

(SlGHS)

That a boy.

(BUOY BELL RlNGlNG)

(SPLASHlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

Carlton, what are
you doing?

No time to talk, O'Hara,
just keep taking notes.

What's the rush?

That.

Every time we get a
high-profile case, you know
what's going to happen next.

Spencer's going to
waltz in here,

make some crazy proclamation
about what happened,

and in five days,
he's going to be right.

Well, not today.

McNab, hold back
the wonder twins.

Oh, come on.
Really, Buzz?

This is the thanks I get
for giving you a cat

and finding a guy
to remove your
Baha Men tattoo?

Sorry, guys, he's really
determined today.

Let's just go.
Yeah, you're probably right.

You don't want
to go down there.

I know how you feel
about dead things.

What?

You know, the whole...
(GAGGlNG)

Not only is that an affront
to my character, Shawn,

but I'll have you know
I'm turning over a new leaf.

I am now hardened.
I've seen it all.

You've seen it all through
the cracks in your fingers
while you're hiding your eyes.

You know what?
That's it.

We've been doing this
for four years.

I don't need you to
look out for me.
I have a new name now.

From now on, I want you
to call me "Guts."

We all call you that.

No, "Guts," Shawn.

What... What
are you saying?
"Guts."

You're saying "Guts"?
Yes.

That's too close to Gus.

You know, never mind.
Call me "Old lronside."

Michael lronside?

"Old lron Stomach,"
that's me.

Carlton, you can't
solve a case
in four minutes.

Can't l?
I think I can.
I've seen it done.

Not by you.

Thanks for that.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.

You are a great detective.
It's just that...

There's a piercing
in the skin.

There are lots of them.
It's a shark att*ck.

No. No.
This one's different.

It's cleaner.

It's a Kn*fe wound.

A Kn*fe wound?

Spencer would say.

You're not him.

Thank the sweet Lord for that.

It's now or never, O'Hara.

Week after week
I sit idly by

doing life-sucking,
soul-eating
detailed police work,

while he just bounces in

and hops from one
wild conclusion to the next,
only to be right.

This Kn*fe wound is good.
It's big, and I'm going to
jump on it before he does.

Today I'm going to
out-Spencer Spencer.

All right, McNab,
send him down.

Go ahead.

Carlton, no good
can come of this.

It can only
end disastrously.

If by "disastrously,"
you mean "triumphantly,"
then yes, I agree.

If not, I would like to
invite you in the nicest way
possible to shut it.

MALE REPORTER:
Is this the same shark

spotted last week
by the whale-watching boat?

Can you give us any details
on the shark att*ck?

Well, we've got
a couple problems with that.

First of all, our victim
is a John Doe.

And what's the other problem?

Watch how I do this.

Please don't make me.

Our victim wasn't
k*lled by a shark.

He was m*rder*d.

(LAUGHS) No, seriously.

(STAMMERlNG)
No, I'm not kidding.
He was m*rder*d.

What about those things
that look like shark bites?

Yeah. Those are shark bites.

(GAGGlNG)

FEMALE REPORTER: And those
at the shoulder?

Yes. Those are
also shark bites.

Can you spell
your last name?

Are you telling me
you don't know how
to spell Lassiter?

No, I do.
I just wanted
to see if you did.

One follow-up question,
does the shark have an alibi?
(LAUGHS)

Do you think the shark
could have a fair trial
in this jurisdiction?

Or will you have to pick
your jury from the aquarium?

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

In between the lines
there's a lot of obscurity

I'm not inclined
to resign to maturity

If it's all right
then you're all wrong

But why bounce around
to the same damn song?

You'd rather run
when you can't crawl

I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth

I know, you know
They just don't have any proof

Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend

Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end

I know, you know

I know, you know

CARLTON: "Detective Dipstick
at it again?"

What the hell do
they mean, "again"?

It's The Courier.
It's not even
a real newspaper.

Besides, nobody
reads the paper
these days anyway.

Then why didn't
you stop me?

Oh, I don't know,
I guess I was busy
RSVP-ing

my invitation to shut it.

Sorry about that.

Yeah.

Look, we can still
salvage this.

We just forget yesterday
ever happened
and we find out

who it was
that washed ashore.

I've been
at this all night.

Nobody's been reported
missing locally
or state-wide.

I can't even l.D. the body.
I'm the worst detective ever.

Mr. Dipstick, might l
get you to sign my copy
of today's paper?

Okay, that is libel.
Or slander.

It's also
copyright infringement.

I registered this
six months ago.

He did.
Also, "Officer Whoopsie."

Oh, I forgot about that.
GUS: Yeah.

Don't worry.
You get five percent
of any action figure money

when Hasbro
comes on board.

This is your fault, Spencer.
My fault?

Yeah. You got all up
in my head.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, first of all,
I wouldn't last five minutes
in your head.

That was just some innocent
ribbing between colleagues.

But here's the thing,
I honestly think you're
on the right track, Lassie.

If you hadn't had
McNab stop us,

we probably would have
made the same guess.

I would have guessed
ape att*ck.

Gus, it's never, ever
an ape att*ck.

Oh, it will be.
Mark my words.

You saw the Kn*fe wound,
did you not?

It looked like a Kn*fe wound,
and I've regretted it
ever since I said it.

No. Don't regret it.

Don't you see?
This should be the
best moment of your life.

You should... You should
feel liberated in your guts

because you're
following your guts.

You found a piece
that didn't fit.

And even though you don't
know how it connects,

you announced it
to the world anyway.

Spencer, one loose end
doesn't make it foul play.
It doesn't?

How do you think
we've stayed in business
these last four years?

But what if it does?
Lassie, we're comrades now.

I do this all the time.
I can walk you through this.

This is just the weird part
of the spit-out-a-
crazy-theory process.

You say it,
everyone thinks you're
crazy, you're incompetent,

you should probably
color your sideburns.

Truth. We're one
and the same.

We're Shassie now.
We're Sharlton.

We're Spenciter.

Oh, my God.

Make no mistake.
This is definitely
your fault.

I've heard that,
but I'm trying
to figure out how.

We are going to the
Coroner's office,
and you're coming with.

Sweet. I love that guy.

All right, I can take it.
It was a shark att*ck,
right?

I was told to wait.

For what?

Woody!
Hello, friend.
Now we can begin.

The victim was chewed off
just below the waist.

Tin tummy.
Iron stomach.

Was found wearing
a very expensive watch,
not waterproof.

Which is not typical of
a serious boatman.

We have no fingerprints,
naturally, as there are
no fingers.

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)
(GAGGlNG)

Continue.
Cut off at the wrist, huh?
Interesting.

Is there anything
to help us l.D. him?

Dental records were
inconclusive.

We do have the remnants
of a belt.

Which means the man
probably had a wallet on him,

which would likely still be
inside the shark,
until it's digested.

At the very least,
we could find
a finger in there

we could get
a print off of.

How are you feeling?
Peachy.

All right, I give up.
Our prime suspect
is the shark.

What?
You're giving up on the
m*rder thing already?

What about this
suspicious s*ab wound?

Well, now that I look at it,
you know, in the lights
and everything,

it looks just
like a shark bite wound.

Don't do it, Lassie.
Don't do it.

Stick to your g*ns.

Follow your instincts,
believe in yourself
like I believe in you.

Do not start singing
right now.

Actually, Lassie,
that particular wound,
it's intriguing.

Now, I'm not saying
it's likely,

but I cannot,
in good conscience,
according to my oath

say it is not
a Kn*fe wound.

What do you mean?

You see, it's jagged,
like a tooth mark,

but it's slightly different
from the others.

It's difficult to tell
without finding
the rest of the body,

but it could have
been made by a Kn*fe.

So you're saying
I could have been right.

Well, the Kn*fe would
have to have

many of the characteristics
of shark teeth.

What would this Kn*fe
look like?

Well, uh, probably
something like this.

And then we've got,
you know, the teeth.

Nice and jagged there. Sure.

Dear God, what am I doing?

This is half a man.

It's all right.
Look, look at that.

You see that?
You see a match?

It's a reach.
A reach? Lassie!

(EXCLAlMS) Do you ever
get tired of being wrong?

Of being beaten
to the punch?

Would you trust your guts
and let those reporters know

that it is them who are
actually the dipsticks?

All right.

Let's get a chopper
in the air, get us a boat
and a decent fisherman.

We're going to find
this shark, slice it open,
l.D. the victim,

and then we're
going to figure out
who wanted to m*rder him!

Yes!
Do my theories
sound that insane?

Sometimes insaner.

So, we're back on m*rder?

Shut it.
You say that again,
I sh**t you.

That is the spirit, man.
You are back
on the crazy train.

You want to know
how I do it next?

That felt like
a reluctant no.

We should follow.
(lMlTATlNG WHlP)

CARLTON: What's going on here?

Somebody put out
a $10,000 reward for
the capture of the shark.

Now every nut job in town
with an outboard is hitting
the water, trying to find it.

Whoa!
CARLTON: Is that dynamite?

Wait, wait, wait.

Stop right there, you
backwoods hill people!

There is evidence
in that shark!

Get back...
Hey, you got
a license for that?

This is where
it gets harder.

Leave me alone.

CARLTON: Sir, I need to
commandeer your boat.

It's vegetarian.

Okay, so you're telling me
that every boat you have
has been rented?

Every lure, every reel.

$10,000 reward is
a lot of money, Officer.

Right.
Have you seen this?

Well, that ain't
going to make a boat
suddenly appear.

It isn't going to
fix my engine either.

Really?
All right, then
how about this?

Carlton!

Check with me tomorrow.

I may have this thing
up and running by dawn.

No, no.
Tomorrow's way too late.

I need you to fix
this thing now.

You're worse than that guy
in the papers.

What's his name?
Detective...

Dipstick!

Not another word!

Who's that?

He's not with me.

I can't believe
I'm supporting this,

but I have managed
to secure a police boat.

Sweet. We can put
our heads together.

Two mismatched partners off
on a harebrained adventure.

Spencer, I want nothing
to do with you.

We are not compadres,
we are not partners,
we are nothing.

Are we at least amigos?
Homeboys?

Platonic soul mates?

No.

CARLTON: Shove off, Captain.
I've got a man-eating
shark to catch

with evidence inside.

It's almost as if
we're not invited.

No.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
Not you, too.

What?
You're going after
this shark reward?

What?
What are you, crazy?

What's with all
the equipment?

This stuff belongs
to a buddy of mine.

We're going to go out
and we're going to
hunt some marlin.

Wayans?
Well, it's about time.

Get out there quick
before they make
another White Chicks.

White Chicks
was hilarious, Shawn.

Look, Carlton,
so you didn't
catch the shark.

It doesn't mean
you're a bad cop.

It only means
that you're a bad...

Fisherman?

I'm sorry, were you
about to say
that I'm a bad fisherman?

That's not what I meant.
I am only saying

that what happened today
is not a reflection

on your abilities
as a detective.

I was being supportive.

By saying I'm a bad fisherman.

Only comparatively.

I mean, I didn't see
anybody else

get their tie caught
in the reel or fire their g*n
pointlessly into the water.

It wasn't pointlessly.

All right, I told you,
that driftwood looked
like a dorsal fin.

Then why did you yell,
"Freeze," and hold
your badge up first?

Force of habit.

And we both know
that we got skunked

because we got stuck
with inadequate gear.

It looked fine to me.

Are you...

I would have had
better luck

just politely asking the fish
to jump in the boat.

Trust me, O'Hara.
You know nothing
about fishing.

Actually, I once spent
three weeks with my dad
on a charter off lslamorada.

We fed tarpon by hand.

You know what,
Little Miss "l Obviously
Have Daddy lssues"?

If you want me to take a trip
down memory lane with you,

why don't you start by
not insulting the core
of my being?

Fishing is one of
my top five skills,

right behind
profiling and Skee-Ball.

Carlton, you are
taking this personally.

(SCOFFS)
I am only suggesting that
we bring in an expert.

Well, maybe I'm suggesting
that you shut it.

Wow.

Wow.

I am so sorry.
I... I'm just dehydrated.

Hey, I haven't
seen that thing
in two years.

Man, I need to get
my numbers up.

We haven't had a paying case
in three weeks.

Don't you worry.
I'm about to cr*ck
the shark m*rder case.

What?
You're kidding, right?

Check this out.

Shark tooth filleter.
GUS: Filleter?

This thing probably,
kind of makes
the same exact wound

we saw at the
Coroner's office.

Let me get this straight,

you're doing real police work
and Lassiter's following
some crazy hunch?

Stranger things
have happened.

Name one.

Michelle Pfeiffer dated
Fisher Stevens,

and then he actually
cheated on her.

HENRY ON TV:
It really wasn't
about the reward,

it was about
keeping the water safe.

But we got him.

We brought him in
and we'll make a few dinners
out of him.

(SlGHS)

Ha! I knew you lied to me
at the marina.

I did not lie to you.
I was going out
to hook a marlin

and I hooked a k*ller shark
instead.

Now I'm a hero
and $10,000 richer.
Serendipity.

We need to see that shark.

Oh, what? Oh, so now you're
interested in fishing?

Sort of. Gus and l
need a subject

for an icky
thump-ology experiment

we're doing in
our treehouse lab.

The study of fish is called
"ichthyology," Shawn.

That's right, Gus.

Remind me to put it
on my list of funny words

right between
"avuncular" and "mangrove."

We just need to see
the shark's teeth

to see if they
match a wound.

Wait a second,

are you working
with Detective Dipstick
on this?

You're calling him
that, too?

I tried not to.
It just rolls
right off the tongue.

Where is this thing,
in the fridge?

HENRY: Shawn,
what do you think?
It's nine feet long.

I have it on ice,
but it's at an
undisclosed location.

I'm getting something.
It's not dull.

Sharp's Storage.
Disclosed.

Did you just pretend
to be a psychic to me?

Sorry. It's a force of habit.

Nobody is touching
that shark.

We will be in and out
in a matter of minutes.

I've got a photographer
coming down tomorrow morning

to take a picture
of me with it.

Oh, for your Facebook page?

No. Magazine.

Fish Digest?
Bald Guys Quarterly?

Coot's Life?

Stop it.

Well, I feared it would be
a Spencer that got
to that shark before me,

I just can't believe
it turned out
to be the other one.

I think I should
be offended. Gus?

Compliment to you,
insult to your dad.

Well-ex*cuted two-fister.
Nice, Lassie.

That shark is part of
my ongoing investigation

and I need
to see it, Spencer.

Oh, that seems
to be going around.

Henry, I'm appealing to you
as a policeman and a father.

What the hell do you know
about being a father?

It's official.
You heard Detective Dipstick.
Let's do this.

Was there somebody
here to let you in?

He was here.
He was here.
He had the key.

Are you sure
you can do this?

I can do anything I want.

Son of a...

Whoa!

Lassie, I know what
you're thinking, but I'm not
getting any pleasure

out of your beflusterment
in this moment.

Not true.
I'm getting a fair amount.
But I'm still on your side.

Well?
Don't look at me like that.

That fish was going
to pay for my new roof.

This is just great.
Someone steals my shark.

Now they're impeding
a police investigation...
Guys!

...and what's more,
I look like a total fool.

What we need here is
cohesiveness.
All of a sudden,
this is all about you.

Don't you get all
self-righteous on me, Henry.
Lassie!

Father!
I am in the middle
of a m*rder investigation.

All you're worried about
is your stupid prize money.

A m*rder investigation?

Look, guys,
I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but let's be reasonable.

The thief was here recently,
within the hour.

HENRY: I couldn't
pick up my phone because...

I dropped it in the water.

Would you cut the crap?
You sound worse
than your kid.

Do you see that trail of ice?
It's barely melted.

That means whoever did this
is still near.

So what, you're going to
track a shark on land?

Somehow it seems easier
than doing it on the water.

I'm pretty sure it's not.

I will track this thing just
like I tracked that sea lion

to the deepest part
of the big blue.

You stole a guy's old GPS
coordinates for that, Shawn.

That changes
the result how?

I can narrow it down
to that way.

Give me your keys.
No.

It's a few blocks away.

I don't care.

Dad!

It's right there!
It's not right...

Dad!

I'm sensing your shark.
It's nearby.

Warm up your super-sniffer.
We're going to need it.

I got it.

(lNHALlNG)
We'll drive.

SHAWN: The toothed beast
is here.

HENRY: Where?

(GUS SNlFFlNG)
(STAMMERlNG)
Somewhere over there.

Here.
HENRY: Shawn!

No, it's this general...
It's this general area here.

Probably stuffed back
behind these large beads.

I'm wrong!
It's this way.

It's right...

Oh, my gosh. Yeah, it's...
It's definitely over there.

That's just...
That's just foul.

Whoa!

(GRUNTlNG)

(EXCLAlMlNG)

No, I'm okay.

And thank you so much
for helping get the
big dead shark off of me.

Someone didn't want us
to find the contents
of this shark's belly.

We're looking
at a cover-up.

Actually, you're looking
at the wrong shark.

Who the hell are you?

Dr. Kimberly Phenix.

I run the ocean studies
department at the university.

I'm also a pretty decent
shark expert.

I didn't call
for a shark expert.

Actually, you did.
Your partner called me
yesterday, but I was out.

So you're the one they call
Detective Dipstick?

Detective Lassiter.

Carlton Lassiter,
Head Detective
Carlton Lassiter.

It's okay.
I read the article.

Had some bad ink myself, too.
The press can be so snarky.

So how'd you find us?
I followed you
from Sharp's Storage.

I was the one honking
as you ran through
all the red lights.

Whoa! That is the
God-given right of any
working police officer, lady.

I was talking about him.

So I saw you on TV
when you caught this guy.

I can't say I wasn't
a little impressed.

Oh, well, thank you, Miss...

Miss. That's sweet,
but it's Doctor,
or just Kim.

But not Dr. Kim,
because I'm not
a radio show host.

All right, Doctor... Kim.

I'm going to have to
respectfully disagree
with you about that fish.

Yeah, me, too.
I've done my homework.
This is the shark.

It's a man-eater
and it's rare
for these waters.

You're right,
but only kind of.

The shark you're looking for
is indeed a Galeocerdo cuvier.

But it's...
A what?

A tiger shark.

Very good.
Thank you.

But the shark that
att*cked that poor man

is probably more
in the neighborhood
of a 17-footer.

Not this little guy.

Wait a minute,
that is not a little guy.

Duly noted,
and yeah, it is.

Incidentally, I was
glad to see that
it was a former cop

who caught the shark
instead of a shark hunter.

My intentions were good.

He wanted the reward
in a big, big way.

I was trying to
keep the water safe
for the children.

Were you, really?

All right, the reward
crossed my mind,

but a divorced man has
to build his nest egg.

Did you just casually slip
the word "divorced"

into a sentence
to a currently single woman?

Did you just casually slip
"single woman"
into your response?

Touche.
(LAUGHS)

Is this really happening?

Yes. And I think your dad
is totally in there.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)
Oh, please, Gus,
where's the decorum?

He's hitting on this poor
woman in the middle
of a crime scene.

Shawn, you did that
three times in
the last year.

All right,
we'll be right there.

A leg just washed up
over on Dodd Beach.
Let's go.

Care to join us?
I'd love to.

After you.

Man, he's got
every play in your book.

Or have you been using his
playbook all along? What?

It's not a book.
It's a binder.

What happened to you?
I don't want
to talk about it.

Who's that?

My dad brought a date.

I didn't know
he was seeing anyone.

He met her today.

He brought a woman
he just met
to an autopsy?

Yeah. Who does that?
Shut up.

WOODY: Maybe if we wait
long enough,

we'll be able to piece this
poor guy together ourselves.

(CHUCKLES)
(GAGGlNG)

I know how you feel,
young man.
You just...

You have to breathe.
In, out, come on.

In, out. That's it.

Concentrate on your breathing.
You'll do fine.

Massive tissue loss.
Partially denuded bone.

And some odd markings
right here near the ankle.

Almost like he was
tethered to something.

Like a... A surf board.

Do we have an l.D.
on this guy yet?

Still pending.
We do have
some preliminary data,

and it's a bit odd.

It appears embedded
right here,

surface tissue with
completely different DNA.

The shark must have
had this tissue
wedged in its teeth

when he chomped down
on this poor guy.

So, what does this mean?

It means there was
a second victim.

The prevailing wisdom
is that shark att*cks
are random acts

committed by a beast
driven only by
its next meal.

But I have a theory that
these att*cks occur
under conditions

determined by
a number of variables.

Air and water temperatures,
currents, time of year,
things of that sort.

And they're anything
but random.

Here you go.
Thank you.

What? I'm responsible
for everyone?

The machine's
right outside the door.

Anyway, by properly
isolating the variables,

we can extrapolate the data
to predict and even prevent
future att*cks.

Any questions?
Yes.

How long before the fingers
inside the shark's stomach
are digested

and no longer
usable for prints?

Carlton, there's
more than one victim now.

The idea of m*rder is
seeming like a stretch.

Maybe we should focus on
the fact that there's a shark
out there eating people.

Yes, but that
doesn't mean

that our first victim
wasn't m*rder*d

before he fell into the water
and was devoured by the shark.

So, O'Hara...

Do not invite me to shut it.

Uh, I wasn't going to.
Can you please tell me
where this thing is?

Yeah. Based on currents
and where the body
and the leg washed ashore,

I can give you
a better approximation,

but I'll need some time
to run the numbers.

Great. O'Hara, let's get
down to that marina,

get ourselves
some real equipment,
and find the right shark

before some idiot
in a SeaBus rolls over it
with a propeller.

Lassie, I have never
been more in love with you
than I am at this moment.

You are virtually insane.

Getting real equipment is
going to be a problem.

The Mayor just upped
the reward to $50,000.

50,000?

Uh, sorry.

What the hell are we waiting
for? Let's get down there.

MAN: Is it true the reward's
been increased?

Yes. The reward has been
increased to $50,000

in an effort to keep
the beaches open
during the holiday weekend.

However, I would like to
implore the overzealous
middle school dropouts

in the crowd
to exercise restraint.

Here's the bottom line,
I'm not going to commandeer
your boats per se,

although I believe I can.

Just know that you will
be performing a great
community service

if you turn it over to us.
Hey!

Otherwise, I will be
arresting you for hindering
a police investigation.

Carlton!
What, O'Hara?

I'm kind of in
the middle of something.

Come here.

Don't go anywhere.

What? What? What?

We found a guy matching
the victim's description.

Great.
Figure out what he does
and who he is.

We know who he is.
He's a web millionaire
from Seattle.

He came down
a couple days ago.

Okay. That's a really
strong maybe.

So put McNab on it, and
get yourself some Dramamine

because we are going to
stay on that police boat
until we find the shark.

We found his car.

Wow. Nice.
I'm still kind of
talking to the sea trash.

It's in the parking lot.

This parking lot?
Yes.

It was abandoned three
nights ago and you need
to see what's inside.

Okay, let's go.
Yes.

His name is Dante Pavan.

He has quite the personal
crusade going on.

He's an ocean activist.
Big time.

Oil drilling, whale-watching
excursions, you name it,
he's against it.

Looks like he's brought
his personal crusade
to Santa Barbara.

Did he bring a boat?
Nope.

And no record of a rental
or a purchase.

Never even checked in
to his hotel.

How did he get
so far out in the current
with his expensive watch

and slacks without a boat?

He's been known to stage
crazy, elaborate protests.
How crazy?

Well, he once threw himself
into a commercial fishing net

while a load was
being pulled in.

He chained himself
to a buoy
to protest whaling.

That actually made the news.

He did the same thing
on an oil tanker anchor.

Rather odd markings
here near the ankle.

Almost like he was
tethered to something.

Lassie, where did you go?
We were totally
videotaping your speech.

And we need you
to sign a release

for America's
Funniest Home Videos.

We're wrapping
things up, guys.
We've identified our victim.

What? That's it?
You're not going
after the shark?

The only reason
we needed the shark
was to l.D. the body,

which we've done.
Dante Pavan.

He's an ocean activist
nut job from Seattle,

Ieads an extreme group
called Oceans First.

That's so thin.
You're acting insane.

No, what's insane, Spencer,
is that I've been
listening to you

for the last several days.
This is who I am.

I am comforted by the facts,
and these facts solve crimes.

This was a shark att*ck,
not a m*rder.

Lassie, mark my words.
There is something
in that shark.

Why else would somebody
steal my dad's
and open the thing up?

I don't know, Spencer.

Somebody wanted
the reward money

and they figured out
they got the wrong one.

That doesn't make any sense.

O'Hara, check any
snorkeling excursions,
whale-watching tours,

see if anyone had a
Dante Pavan on the docket.

Bye, gentlemen.
This is where
we part ways.

(SCOFFS)

So what?
You want to go home,

or you want to go watch
your dad hit on that
lady doctor for a while?

I'd rather dip
my jewels in honey
and go on a bear watch.

Hmm.
Our work here
is not finished.

There's something
in that shark.

We need someone
to take us out to sea.

(ALL CLAMORlNG)

SHAWN: Excuse me.
If you could...

What are you doing?
How do you make
that sound?

(SHAWN SCREECHlNG)

You all know me.

No, we don't.

You know how
I make my living.

We're still unclear
on who you are.

I'm a psychic, Jack!
Check your papers.
Not the front.

Page five and further back,
sometimes the personals,

but believe me,
it's all there.

We remember Shabby,
don't we?

Shabby the sea lion.

Well, I tracked him at sea,
found out where the poor
fellow was m*rder*d.

In the entire ocean,
the exact spot.
Tell them, Gus.

I'd rather not.

You know what else?
I found an abandoned boat
at sea, at night.

I have keen senses.
My senses are very keen.

You know what?
I'm going to lay out
my history for you people,

and by the end of it,
you're all going to be begging
for my services, okay?

Four months ago,
a guy walks into our office,
says, "Help me. I'm a lycan. "

Gus is like,
"You're made out of seaweed?"

I said, "No, no, Gus.
He's a werewolf. "

We dressed up like
Civil w*r people

and Gus looked
like Denzel Washington
in Glory

and some guy built
a tunnel that...

Two years ago,
some chick got hit
in the head with a tennis...

You know what?
Screw that case.

I looked at my partner.

It was like looking at
a child lost
in a shopping mall.

Luckily,
I'd solved the case.

The football players were
protecting their bonuses,

and that is why they left
the disembodied foot
on the path in the forest.

That's not why they did it.

Yeah, well, that...
That one still confuses me.

The point is that is but 20
of my many, many cases
that I have solved.

You can read the book
when I learn how to type.

Sir, the fact that you
haven't left shows me
you're not afraid of my gift,

and are ready to use it
to catch this shark.

I think we have
ourselves a boat.

Are we going to get to
sing sea shanties or
any other kind of shanties?

Do you have Dramamine?
Or should I just
bring my own?

Oh, Gus wants to know
if you have cable
on your boat

because it's the
season finale of Leverage
and his TiVo's on the fritz.

Your job is to shut up.

Okay, that's good.
That's easy.

I was worried I would draw
swabbing the decks,

which is far more difficult
than remaining quiet.

You're failing at
your job right now.

Says you.
Says the definition
of "shut up."

Yeah.
I need to get
off this boat.

Gus, don't be Leon
from the
Like A Prayervideo.

Or anything for that matter.
We might actually
get to see a whale.

Fine.
But after the whale...

Hey, you're on
chum duty, princess.

(GAGGlNG)

Nice.

All right, magician,
where do we go?

Well, uh, sharks are very
unpredictable, you know.

Silent, but deadly.

If it is he who smelt it,

then it is also he who...
Who most likely dealt it.

What the hell are you
talking about?

Uh...

These att*cks occur
under conditions

determined by
a number of
different variables.

Air and water temperature,
time of year, currents,

and they're anything
but random.

I am sensing
a number of variables here.

Uh, air and water
temperatures, currents,
the time of year.

The shark is definitely
in a pattern.

Are you a biologist
or a psychic?

(CHUCKLlNG) Well.

The reef!
Yes. I can see it.

The reef, there is a harem
of seals gathered there

to mate and make
succulent fondues.

The shark is also there.

Waiting.

I know that spot.

A pod of seals
has been settled
in the area.

You might be worth
something after all.

Ha! (EXCLAlMS)

But I believe it's a...
It is a harem of seals.

(SCOFFS) I've heard
it both ways.

(COUGHlNG)

Hang in there, buddy!

Okay, we need to find out
what kind of protest
stunt Pavan pulled

in order to get
himself accidentally
eaten by a shark.

Maybe it wasn't a stunt.
Maybe it wasn't even
an accident.

Maybe we jumped
off m*rder too soon.

You with Spencer
on this now?

Come on, O'Hara,
I just got my head
back on straight.

Look at this letter
I found in The Courier
from last month.

The Courier? No.

I would rather
French kiss a hobo

than read anything
in that rag.

Wow. A simple
"l don't like the writing"
would have made your point.

I'm sorry, O'Hara.
That paper is not allowed
in this station.

So you are going
to ignore a clue because
you don't like a reporter?

Hate. "Hate" is
the word, O'Hara.

And yes, no good can be
found in that paper,
except maybe the obituary

for reporter Chad Gorsuch.
Really?

An untimely death,
self-inflicted and painful,

Iater to be referred to
as Gorsuching yourself.

No, he's on a respirator
and dying slowly.

Oh, that was
very therapeutic.

I actually feel quite better.
What do you got?

It's an open letter to
the criminal fishing industry
of Santa Barbara.

It's fancily worded,
and a little rambling,

but it basically says,
"Stop your illegal
fishing practices or I will."

So he was taking on
the whole industry?

Question is, who was
he going after first?

Move faster,
you pantywaist!
Time's wasting.

There's 200 other lines
in the water right now!

Wow, that is
really gross, huh?

You need to take over.

I can't do that.
Why not?

Got to have one hand free
to do this.

Ask Tanner to do it.

He says he has a bad wing.

What the hell
does that mean?
I don't know.

I don't speak
salty fisherman.

What's going on down here?
We're right over the reef.

I need more, psychic.

Well, I need, uh...
Quiet is what I need.

Is there a bed in there
that I can lay down on?

And a pillow that doesn't
smell like fish?

What the...

I'm also going to need
a little boy's room.

Chum. Chum.

(CELL PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello?
Hey, Dad.

Help me out here.
I need the number
for that doctor lady.

Shawn, what are you doing?

Nothing.
Shawn.

Okay, fine.
It rhymes with
"fark punting."

Shawn, please tell me
that you're not going
after that shark.

I just need to talk
to your lady friend.

Well, you can't.

Why not?

She's in the bathroom.

She's there?
Yes.

(SCOFFS) Of course she is.

It's fine. It's fine.

Have her tell you through
the door where the shark is.

Because inside its belly is
evidence in a m*rder case.

Shawn, I'm hanging up.

No, no, no!
Dad, Dad! Dad!

Just tell her to
give me a phrase.
Just a phrase.

Anything, something that
sounds oceanographerey-ish.

Goodbye.

Dad?

It figures.

What do we got?
We got, uh...

We got maps
and charts and things.

Longitude and all the 'tudes.

Oh.

Bull's-eye, bull's-eye,
bull's-eye.

Dante Pavan.
He's an ocean activist
nut job from Seattle.

It's jagged,
like a tooth mark.

The Kn*fe would
have to have

many of the characteristics
of shark teeth, like this.

What are you still doing
down here?
(SHUSHES)

I know who the k*ller is.

Who?
We're on his boat.

How do you know Tanner...
(SHUSHES)

(WHlSPERlNG) How do you know
Tanner is the k*ller?

Tanner has a stack
of violations as deep
as the ocean floor.

Pavan was an activist,
remember?

Tanner is just the kind of
old-school violator
that he was railing against.

That's just
circumstantial.

Who are you, Lassiter?
What... What about these?

Shark tooth knives.

Exactly.
One of those could have
made that wound.

Wait a second.
Where's the medium one?

Exactly, Gus.
Where is the medium one?

It's missing.
You want to know why?

Because Tanner used it to...
(lMlTATES STABBlNG)

k*ll Pavan.

That's nothing
but a wild guess.

It fits somehow, Gus.

That's why Lassiter's
always half-a-step behind us,

because we
follow our instincts.

And your first instinct
is pure and you
got to grab it...

TANNER: The shark!
I got it!

I got the son of a bitch!

Don't just stand there.
Help me haul it in!

Guster, dynamite.
Get the dynamite!

Are you crazy?
We're taking this thing in.

No, we're not.
We're going to destroy it
before it destroys us.

Now go!

Surface tissue with
completely different DNA.

The shark must have
had this tissue
wedged in its teeth

when he chomped down
on this poor guy.

You were the other victim,
weren't you, Tanner?

Come again?

That shark took
a bite out of you.

It was your tissue wedged
in its teeth, with your DNA.

Yeah. You've been in trouble

with various regulatory
agencies for years,
but you wouldn't change.

Dante Pavan tried to
stop you, once and for all.

That's why you k*lled him
in a struggle,

and then got rid
of the evidence
the best way you knew how,

drawing a shark in
to devour the body,
s*ab wound and all.

But somehow the shark
got the Kn*fe,
and a piece of you, too.

When they caught that
first shark, you stole it,
sliced him open.

'Cause you thought
the only evidence
that could bring you down

was stuck in its belly.

But it was the wrong shark.

You're not going to
stop until you
find the right shark

and get rid of the evidence
inside of him for good.

Forget this!

What the hell are
you doing, boy?

You're finished, Tanner.

I think this is going
to get messy.

I'm the one
with the Kn*fe, man.

Oh, if that shark
couldn't take me down,

I don't think you and
the retching pantywaist
here will.

(GROANS)

That's for calling me
a pantywaist.

There's no shame in
having a gag reflex.

It's a sign that
I'm highly evolved.

I did a bit of research
and what I found out...

Gus, he's out cold.

Oh.
It's nice, though.

SHAWN: Do you have any idea
how to drive this thing?

Lassie, needing
a favor from you.

Will you please make sure that
the Chief gets one of these?

Well, of course
I'll make sure
she gets one of these.

I promise.

You know, I don't write
the headlines, but if I did,
I probably would have added,

"And does so
with foppish aplomb."

You know that's right.

If you take time to read
the article, you'll see
that we did you justice.

It should effectively
quash all that
Detective Dipstick talk.

Except in our office,
of course.

But you wouldn't
begrudge us that.

I just wanted to say

you were this close, man.

You were right there
at the precipice
and you were next to us.

But you wouldn't jump.

So, do these accolades
feel good? Yes, they do.

But it should be you
right there with us
on the front page.

Behind me.
Right behind Gus.

Not because you're
any less important.

But because you're
a little bit taller.

And because maybe you're
slightly less important.

You know what?
The press can write
whatever they want.

I'm over it. Seriously,
I don't want to be you.
Not for one minute.

I don't want to throw out
five crazy theories
just to get one right.

I am a police detective,
and police detectives
do not surmise

that banks are knocked over
by groups of angry cats
with laser beams.

I never said they were
angry. They were simply
following orders.

Regardless,
at the end of the day,
I do good police work

and people respect me for it.

Name two.
Name one.

If you'll excuse me,
I have matters.

Matters?

It means leave
before I get rude.

Oh.
Oh. Come on, now.

I think we're
past that. Judges?

Concur.

Out.

Bye, Lassie.

See you later, buddy.

Here.

Hey! Since when
do you have a key?

I don't. Since when
do you not lock your doors?

I'm just looking
for some sunscreen.

We're going out on the water
and need a little
protection from the sun.

And Kim's smile.

(LAUGHS)

Nothing less than SPF 50.

Oh, your dad is
one silver-tongued
devil, Shawn.

He most certainly is, Kim.

I think we do have
some sunscreen
in the other room, Dad.

I'll show you where.

All right.

Ah.

Let me just say
that I am very happy

to see that things
are going well

with you and your
doctor lady friend.

She seems very nice,
looks like you have
a good thing going.

Good luck.

Well, thank you, Son.
And, truthfully,
I do like her a lot.

But I'm not forgetting
I'm a fisherman at heart

and there's still
a lot of marlin out there.

And she could lead me
right to them.

It's crafty.

See you later, alligator.

(SlGHS)
Alligator? Alligator?

I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth

I know, you know
They just don't have any proof

Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend

Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end

I know, you know

I know, you know

I know, you know