04x05 - A Taste of Freedom

[bunniefuu]

A Taste of Freedom

Freedom freedom freedom, oy!

There's no denying it.
The future's crazy!

Oh well, don't wanna stand out!

Freedom freedom freedom, oy!

There's nothing crazy about it.
It's just Freedom Day!

So, what is Freedom Day?

Sounds like some kind of
feminine hygiene product.

No, it's a fabulous, crabulous day!

If you want to do something, you do it!

And to splick with the consequences!

You know, like how I live every day!

Happy Freedom Day!

I think my wrist is broken.

Of course it wouldn't be Freedom Day
without the traditional Freedom Tub!

How big!

Mmm! That'll feel nice on
my shattered bones!

Wow! Nude hot-tubbing?

That's all I need to hear
about Freedom Day!

Then consider the following
lecture a bonus!

On Earth, freedom is a given

But on my planet we have
to suffer for it.

Sure, you can be a comedian
instead of a doctor!

If you want your parents
to roll over in their graves!

Sure. You can vote for Shkinadel.

If you want there should
be a recession!

Sure. You can go to medical school.

If you've given up on your dream
of being a comedian!

That's why I love Earth!

You can do what you want, and
no one makes you feel guilty.

because no one cares!

We're not listening!

That's what I'm talking about!

Freedom freedom freedom, oy!

Scuse me, comin' through,
freedom train arriving on track 1.

Ow! You broke my foot!

Freedom!

What's this next float Linda?

Representing our men,
women and children in uniform,

it's Earth's greatest space hero...

Zapp Branigan.

Happy Freedom Day ladies!

Come on, let loose
and show me something!

Anything!

Seriously, I'd take an armpit.

Thank you Linda!

You're welcome!
OK Morbo, now it's your turn.

If that is your Freedom Day wish.

Thank you Secretary Of Transportation.

My fellow Earthicans,

we enjoy so much freedom...
it's almost sickening.

We're free to choose which hand our sex
monitoring chip is implanted in.

And if we don't want to
pay our taxes, why,

we're free to spend the weekend
with the pain monster.

See you April 15th folks!

Cue the fireworks guys.

Incidentally, tonight's Freedom Day
celebration is brought to you by...

Shankman's Rubbing Compound.

When something needs rubbing,
think Shankman.

It costs a little more but it's worth it!

Our planet has been through
so much this past year:

Wars, droughts, impeachments!

But we've never lost our sense
of what's truly important:

The great taste of Charleston Chew!

And now, let us salute that
beloved symbol of freedom,

our flag..."Old Freebie!"

I'm swelling with patriotic mucus!

In our darkest hour, we can stand erect,
with proud upthrust bosoms!

Anyone who laughs is a Communist!

Knowing that, with a shifty glance skyward,
we will see by the rocket's red glare,

that our flag is still there.

It's gone!

Yes fellow patriots, I ate your flag!

And I did it with pride.

For to express oneself with doing a thing
is the very essence of Freedom Day!

Bless this planet and all it's
wonderful people!

k*ll him! k*ll the traitor!

Hey it's the guy who desecrated our flag!

Stop that red menace!

I'm all scuttled out!

My planet's embassy? They'd
pay to not k*ll me!.

I thought I understood this world.

I thought I was fitting in.

But I guess I don't belong on here anymore
than I belong on our crappy home planet.

Oups! Sorry.

What sorry? Our planet stinks,
we all know it!

Enough with the persecution
I'm seeing, Zoidberg.

As Ambassador I promise you

the full support of our government already!

Poor boy.

You want maybe a nice mug coco?

Ambassador Moyvan, you
and your staff are so kind.

I'm truly humbled.

What no marshmellows?

Let's storm the place!
Without my prior knowledge.

Comin' through, freedom train,
step aside, you too fatso, freedom!

Cool your jells Nixon.

You wouldn't like it that Dr Zoidberg
desecrated the flag.

You might even find the image of it festering
in his bowels somehow offensive.

But the right to freedom expression is
guaranteed by the Earth constitution.

Maybe so.

But I know a place where the
constitution doesn't mean squat.

The Supreme Court hereby accepts
the case of Earth vs Zoidberg.

Sock it to 'em!

2, 4, 6, 8,

eating the flag is bad

Now your noose knot has exactly 7 twists.

You can eat my dog, you can eat my truck,
but you eat my flag and you're out of luck!

She's waving proud around the world
from Dallas to Fort Worth.

Let me say it again :
Don't mess with Earth!

They sure hate Dr Zoidberg.

Posers. I was hating Zoidberg
before it was cool!

Where are we ever going to find
a lawyer to take his case?

I'll ask the head of the ACLU.
Once he's done singing.

Don't mess with Earth.

k*ll Zoidberg!

Goodnight!

Howdy there! I'm a lawyer! And I'd like
to help your friend out of his pickle.

Who are you old man?

Name's Old Man Waterfall!
But most folks just call me "Old Man"

I'll never remember that!

I'm a veteran of three dozen hunts.
Name any part of the planet,

I've taken a b*llet in it, on it.

All to keep our flag flying free.

And you wanna defend Zoidberg?

Are you familiar with the old robot saying
?Does Not Compute??

Sir to me a robot's just a garbage
can with sparks comin' out it!

The sparks keep me warm.

I don't condone what Dr Zoidberg did but
I'll fight tooth and nail for his freedom to do it.

Or I would if I hadn't lost my teeth and
nails on Mars and Saturn respectively.

Wait. You're a lawyer?

You're hired!

Are you OK there in the embassy Zoidberg?

No. There's no coco marshmellows.

And every night the rats eat
a little more of my foot.

All rise for the Honorable Chief Justice
m*rder Thru and the associate justices.

Counsel you may address the court
on behalf of Earth, if you're ready.

I was hatched ready!

Honourable judge heads,
yonder crawdad done ate up our flag.

I was doing freedom of speech.
Earth's most sacred right.

Your honour, freedom of speech applies
to what comes out of a mouth.

Not what goes in.

Can counsel cite president?

Uh yes darling I can.

In State Of Alabama vs Giant Space Iguana

chewing the corners off the constituter
was deemed "non-protective speech."

He shut you up O'Connor!

Mr Waterfall. You may now present
arguments on behalf of Dr Zoidberg.

Oh God I'm nervous.

Two of my three hearts are having att*cks.

Court's kind of fun when it's
not my ass on the line!

Nachos?

Oh Atlantic Ocean!

Your Honours.

I'm not some slick big city lawyer
like my opponent here.

But I am a veteran who has
fought for his planet

You see this hand of mine?

Yes I do.

No you don't .

Cos I lost my real hand planting the flag
when we took back Halley's Comet!

Yet it was worth it.

So much do I love that flag.

I love it even more than
I love my seven wives.

That's right, I'm a polygamist.

Yet I would gladly eat a flag myself,

had I not used my intestine
as a rope to hoist

a flag made of my own skin.

If it would protect the freedoms of
the proud people who salute that flag!

Freedoms such as polygamy.

I rest my case.

Oh jeez!

The justices and I will now confer
using high-speed telepathy.

By a vote of six to three
we find that flag eating

is not protected by the constitution.

Six to three? How big this spread.

The court orders an immediate
public apology.

Apology accepted. Just don't let
it happen again.

She means you ya turkey out the sea!

Me? Apologize? Never!

I came to this planet
to learn the meaning of freedom.

But I say it's you who should
get a nice lesson!

So do your worst. Because no punishment
could be bigger than denying me my freedom.

You are hereby sentenced to death.

Wait, let me finish!

Also, in a rare double-whammy decision,

the court find polygamy constitutonal.

I can't wait to tell my husband!

Remember men, take him alive
so there's something left to k*ll!

Stay back! This embassy is sand and
mud, of the mud planet Decapod 10!

Invading these mud premises
is an act of w*r!

Yeah? Well what are you going
to do about it shrimpy?

You wanna see Mister Big-sh*t?

att*ck Earth.

Yes I know its a schlep just do it!

Now the rubber band's on the other claw!

Ready?

Retreat!

Deny my freedom will you?

Well we'll do to you what we did the
Squash Men of the Squash Planet!

Squish them!

-Charleston Chew?
-You bet!

Alright Kif!
Lets show these freaks

what a bloated, runaway
m*llitary budget can do!

Bring me the activation codes for
our global defence network.

Aye aye sir.

Commence lip identification scan.

No tongue!

We can't be too careful with these codes.

Rumour has it a double agent
may be aboard this very ship.

I'm watching you!

You ensign, what's your name?

Hugh Man sir!

Hugh Man?

Now that's a name I can trust.

Run down to the central battle computer
and enter these codes.

Um, sir? There's something
about that ensign that's...

You're damn right there is!

That strapping young lad's
gunning for your job!

And he just might get it!

The enemy approaches!

Lieutenant, fire m*ssile one and
recommend me for another medal!

Make it gaudy, I'm going clubbing later!

Tick tock!

Sir, all planetary defences
have been disabled!

Perhaps the Decapodians
aquired our secret codes.

Somehow.

Well Kif, stand by to take the blame.

Steady, steady...

Now!

Dr Zoidberg.

How can you claim to love freedom
and then enslave all of Earth?

Your planet doesn't deserve freedom until
it learns what it is to not have freedom!

It's a lesson I say.

What the hell is this dirt pile
we're building anyhow?

None of your beeswax sl*ve!

You'll find out soon enough.

Just focus on globbing that mud!

I'm no good at being a sl*ve.
I'm thinking about Graduate School.

You know? To become a barber?

This can't go on. Today is
the day we fight back!

It's already 10 o'clock!

Oh right! Tomorrow is the day
we fight back.

Yeah? Well good luck sister.

All our modern technology is useless.

I know I am.

Hey wait, I'm having one of those things.

You know, a headache with pictures!

An idea?

Back in my day, we didn't have
your fancy all-digital weapons.

We still managed to k*ll
each other just fine.

Ah the crossbow. A pitiless,
elegant k*lling machine.

The Bender of the 15th century.

Not big enough. We need something
that can take out an entire army.

Something you could commit
a w*r crime with...

Earth's slaves, behold
the fruit of your labours!

The Mobile Oppression Palace!

Neat!

I don't need to tell you that
occupation forces are expensive.

But with the Mobile Oppression Palace

our dignitaries can oppress your entire
planet for pennies a day.

Warships, dismissed!

Do your worst you sea devils!

I'll make my stand with Old Freebie.

You can crush me but
you can't crush my spirit!

Argh! My spirit!

Great Grandpa no!

Another victim of the meno-centric
male-ocracy.

Ambassador Moyvan, you k*lled my lawyer!

You're welcome!

He defended my freedom
when no one else would.

He was a good and honourable man.

I request a Satanic funeral.

Is it possible that all this sl*very and oppression
is shmutzing up our freedom lesson?

Ah take a pill Zoidberg.

Begin again with the crushing!

You haven't won yet Moyvan!

You wouldn't expect us
to even go to a museum,

much less steal this ancient
heat-seeking m*ssile!

I don't even know you!

Oh it's gonna make such a mess!

This is your secret plan?

Heat-seeking missiles are useless
against the Mobile Oppression Palace.

All Decapodian technology is
cold blooded like us!

All eyes on Zoidberg!

Hey I need that to smoke!

Zoidberg how could you?
I used to think you were cool.

Wait, people of Earth listen.

Yes I'm desecrating a flag

but to preserve the freedom
it represents!

Zoidberg you set us free!

I feel like I could stand to hug you!

I can't but you know what I'm trying to say.

Ah, if only they appreciated freedom
this much on my home planet!

Wait a second! They do!

Because this is my home planet!

And now, to raise this beautiful new flag,

a red lobster that won't ruin your dinner:

Dr John Zoidberg!

You're a nice man Nixon!

Dr Zoidberg, how's about you take a bite
of the flag for tomorrow's papers?

Oh I couldn't.

No no no, go ahead. You've earned it!

Well, maybe just a taste.

Mmm! Now that's a grand old flag!

I wonder what the Shroud Of Turin tastes like?