04x17 - Spanish Fry

[bunniefuu]

Prepare for the stereophonic
experience.

Oh, New New York City!

Whoo! Whoo!

Don't worry about it.

Do the robot, baby!

Oh, Lord. Hiking is always
such a strain on the buttocks.

What was that sound?
It wasn't a bird's nest falling.

That sounds like this:

They're so cute when they're scared.
I meant the sound Bigfoot just made.

He's been sighted in this area recently.
Just last week, a blind hiker felt him.

Don't tell me you actually believe in
Bigfoot, you blathering ninny-Hammer.

Of course I do. Bigfoot's my hero.

Growing up, he was the
celebrity I most identified with.

Why?
Because he was a loner who hated...

The popular monsters
yet longed to be one.

I can so relate to that.

Enough emotions. This isn't
a fat camp, for God's sake.

Although you wouldn't
know it from looking.

Ah.

Bender, if you want to
sleep in the tent tonight...

You're welcome to join me and Hermes
for a little "just friends" spooning.

No, I'm comfy out here under the stars.

Real comfy.

Hi, I'm Ranger Park, the park ranger.
I get it.

Since this is a national
Bigfoot preserve...

We'll start with a short film about
Bigfoot while I make a few phone calls.

Bigfoot. Endangered mystery.

In the dense forests of
the Pacific Northwest...

Dwells the strange and beautiful
creature known as Bigfoot, perhaps.

That proves it.
Sadly, logging and human settlement...

Today thr*aten what might
possibly be his habitat.

Although if it's not, they don't.

Bigfoot populations require vast
amounts of land to remain elusive in.

They typically dwelljust behind rocks,
but are also sometimes playful...

Bounding into thick fogs
and out-Of-Focus areas.

It should say "Top Quality
Exercycle For Sale. "

And could you put "Top Quality" in bold?
You can't? Okay, whatever.

Remember, it's up to us.

Bigfoot is a crucial part of
the ecosystem, if he exists.

So let's all help keep
Bigfoot possibly alive...

For future generations to enjoy,
unless he doesn't exist.

The end!

I gotta call you back.
All right, questions?

Yeah. Have yous ever seens Bigfeet?
Technically, no.

But I do see him each
night in my dreams...

And each day in the smiling
faces of hairy children.

Bunk! Bunk, I say! Bring me a bag
full of Bigfoot's droppings or shut up.

I have some of someone who saw him.

Shut up.
Oh, my God. Look, it's Bigfoot.

Where?!
Oh, he's gone.

He said you should keep
wasting your life, though.

I saw Bigfoot crushing
cars at the county fair.

What you saw was Bigfoot
the monster truck.

But thanks for a great question.

Sir, if I may? Why don't you just set
up, like, a billion video cameras...

In the woods and see if he walks by one?

Ah. That would be very expensive...

And most people who believe
in Bigfoot are broke.

Hey, look! Bigfoot. He's back.

Where?
Up your face.

Everybody do the Bender.

The sky out here is amazing.
Look at all the satellites.

Good night, employees.
Good night.

Good night, Hubert.

You doing all right out there, buddy?
Better than these gnats.

That guy won't be
going home to his kids.

What's that? A wolf?
Or some kind of boogin?

Oh, God, I wish I was
safe inside a tent.

Fry. Fry, wake up.
It's me, Bigface.

Come out and groom my mangy fur.

Bigfoot? You taught yourself English?

Bigfoot. Bigfoot!

Bigfoot? Ls that you?
I'm not like the others, Bigfoot.

I see through your monster
coating to the gentle loner inside.

I bet you have a
wounded raccoon friend...

That you tenderly nurse
back to health while you go:

In the end, they sh**t you,
but you teach us about things.

Oh.

Oh. Just a flying saucer.

Excuse me? You can't park here.
The parking area is over there.

Wow. Nice tube.

Hey. Hey, what's the big idea?
Stop abducting me.

Why does your vanity
plate say "Probe 1 "?

Help!

There's nothing so refreshing...

As the clean, crisp taste
of this bold Canadian beer.

Well, see you in an hour. I got to
go do some business behind that tree.

Bender, wasn't that Fry's tent?
"Bender . "

Bender raises a good point.
Where is Fry?

You won't believe what happened.
It was so scary that you wouldn't--

I know. But listen, it gets even scarier.

Fry, what in Sega
Genesis happened to you?

That's what I'm trying
to tell you. See--

Why are you all staring at me like that?
Is there something on my face?

Uh . No.

Someone should tell him.
Tell me what?

Nothing.
Well, I have a lot of experience...

Telling patients bad news,
so let me break it to him gently.

Fry, you have no nose.
Your nose is gone.

You have no nose on your face.
Where it is, I can't say...

But on your face it's not.

What?

I think it's sweet.

You chopped off your nose so you could
look more like your hero: me, Bender.

My God.
They must have taken it last night.

Which last night?
In the woods. I was walking.

For Bigfoot, looking.
And then aliens beamed me up.

Were they little gray
dudes with big oval heads?

I don't get that gesture. Am I wrong?

Cheer up, friend. When we get home...

A high-Quality prosthesis
will have you looking good as new.

I'm a pathetic freak. My life is ruined.

Man, you are such a jokester.

I'll never have another
moment of happiness.

I know you're trying to mask your
pain with humor, but don't worry.

I'm sure the professor
can clone you a new nose.

It wouldn't be the same.
I want my nose.

I don't want to teach a new one
how to sh**t milk when I laugh.

Well, there's no sense fretting.
Good Lord, you're ugly.

The fact is, your nose is gone and we'll
never find out who did it or why.

Guys. Guys. There's
something on television.

Alien abductions.
Until now, a harmless nuisance.

But recently, they've taken
on a sinister dimension...

As unsuspecting victims
are returned without noses.

Like me!
The culprits:

Shameless poachers,
hunting humans without a permit.

The valuable nose, or human horn...

Fetches a high price on alien
worlds as an aphrodisiac.

My nose is an aphrodisiac?
I'm gonna drop a barf.

Demand for human horn is great,
due in part to titillating scenes...

From depraved alien TV programs
too filthy for Earth broadcast.

Let's watch.

Human horn? But it is forbidden.

So is our love.

We have to track down my
nose before some alien...

Snarfs it and does the worm.
Who's in?

Me and Bender and maybe Zoidberg,
if he feels like it.

No, I'm good.

Let's see, I'll take a pancreas,
two sphincters and a large Coke.

One number 3 combo.

It's no use. We've been
to every scuzzy bazaar...

In the galaxy, including Pottery Barn.

Wait. What's that?

Welcome, friends.
How may I pervert you?

Uh . I'm looking for human horn.
Shh!

You're not cops, right?
Of course not. In fact, he's a crook.

Yep. Stolen Pez, anyone?

Right this way.

Human horn. So fresh you can
still see the eyeglass marks.

Nope. Uh-Uh. Ew!

Look, this is the nose we want.
Did you sell it to somebody?

I'm sorry, sir, but due to the
perverted nature of our business...

Customer records are
strictly confidential.

Right this way.

I videotape everyone who comes in
here so I can blackmail them later.

Ew!

Hey, I'm a p*rn-Dealing monster.
What do I care what you think?

Here's the weirdo who bought your horn.

That's Lrrr, ruler of the
planet Omicron Persei 8.

You got any, you know, human horn?

Speak up, you're muttering.
I said.... Human horn?

You're not a cop, right?
Oh, no, no.

I'm just some guy, ruler of
the planet Omicron Persei 8!

So let me get this straight.

If I buy eight Caramello bars,
you all get to go to some camp?

Yep. That's exactly the lie we
used to get past your guards.

Oh, great space king, I humbly
beg you to return my human horn.

Human horn? How ridiculous.

Why would a virile male
like Lrrr need human horn?

I don't even know what it's for.
What is it...

Something you put in salad dressing?
Like you've ever seen a salad.

My weight is appropriate and attractive.

You guys have issues.

She has issues. I'm fine.

But there's no human horn around here,
so make friends with the door.

All right, I give up.

I guess I'll just go
home and marry a skunk.

Oh, let's just give it to him. Here.

My nose! Light of my face!

What is that?
How do you have that, Ndnd?

I've never seen it before.
My friend left it here.

Hold still, Fry. I can reattach
it with my emergency face laser.

Hey, you b*rned my cheek.

Yeah, sorry, I wasn't
really concentrating.

No, I mean--
The singed flesh, I can smell it.

And those lilacs on the table.
At least someone noticed.

For the last time, I don't like lilacs.

Your first wife was the
one who liked lilacs.

She also liked to shut up.

Well, great seeing you. We'll be on our--
Yo, Highness.

Just out of robo-Curiosity,
why would you use a guy's nose...

For an aphrodisiac instead
of his, you know, wing-Dang-Doodle?

But I thought the horn was
the human wing-Dang-Doodle.

No sir, chief. The main event, so to
speak, is downstairs near the wallet.

Ever seen soccer players
line up to block a free kick?

They ain't covering their noses,
I'll tell you that much. Well, see you.

Interesting. The trousers
conceal a tiny secondary horn.

Hey, what have you heard?
Guards, seize him.

Prepare to harvest the lower horn.

Okay, you can have my nose.

Guards.
Yeah?

Remove the human's lower horn
and prepare it to be eaten by me.

In other words, slop a lot
of ketchup and salt on it.

Then bring it to our royal bedchamber
and put it in the sock drawer...

With the other things that have failed
to arouse my passion for this woman.

Remove pants.
Wait. Listen...

I'm usually the first
guy to toot my own horn--

I'll say! Whoo!

But in this case I don't
think it's gonna do any good.

That's what she said! Whoo!

Let's face it. You two have
deep relationship problems...

That can't be solved by an aphrodisiac.

However huge it might be.

So, what do you suggest,
painfully single human?

Why don't you think back to what
brought you together in the first place?

Oh, I don't know.
Lrrr used to be so tender.

I only wrote that poem
to test my printer.

We'd go walking in the woods...

And Lrrr would find injured tinkle
bunnies and nurse them back to health.

Yes, but I'm the one who injured them.
Oh, shush.

You stepped on them by accident
and then you cried all night.

That's the kind of
sensitive man you used to be.

And you used to wear a size 3
cape, but not anymore!

Now, bring me that lower horn
while I'm still in the mood!

What if we got your passion
back without mutilating me?

Yeah. We know a great
place in the mountains.

We could take you there for a
romantic dinner under the stars.

Sounds interesting.
But he would never do it.

Oh, like hell I wouldn't.
I'm not gonna be blamed for not going.

Then it's a deal. We get one night.

I keep my horn as long as you two end
up doing the horizontal monster mash.

Oh! I don't get it.

Bonjour. May I offer you a box
of wine for the edge of the table?

No, thanks. Just water, please.
Tap water.

Oh, big spender.

That's it. This date is over. Waiter.

So, what can I get you this evening?
Your lower horn.

I'll just start you off with some bread.
Some sexy, arousing bread.

Fine. But none of that
whole-Grain goat food.

And bring plenty of melted butter.

Why don't you just inject some fat...

Straight into your ass
and cut out the middleman?

One of these days, Ndnd.

Bang. Zoom. Straight to the
third moon of Omicron Persei 8.

Mmm. This jerked chicken is good.
I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.

It's used to it! Whoo!

So how are you two
snoogy-Pookums doing?

Poorly.
My wife is right, for once.

There's very little magic in the air.
Ready the lower horn transport vessel.

Boy, who knew a cooler could
also make a handy wang coffin.

Hey, mind if I stick these in here?
Go for it.

Don't worry, Fry. Things look bad,
but I still have a Tr*mp card.

The most beautiful
love song ever written.

The humans are attacking!

Pluck the lower horn and
let's get out of here!

Quick, Fry, run for it.

Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Ah!

Come on, freedom cage.
Roll me to safety!

Ow! Ow!

Yes! I never thought I'd escape
with my doodle, but I pulled it out.

Just like at the movie theater! Whoo!

Give me that.

Bigfoot! He's real. I knew it.

The Loch Ness monster's book was right.

Well, hello there, my furry friend.

Look at his adorable little feet.

Yes, you are a cutie pie.

Holy macaroni!

I can't believe I'm seeing Bigfoot.
And he's in focus.

Oh, I've waited my entire
life for this moment.

What?
What are you doing with that?

You're going to k*ll
this innocent giganto?

Of course not. I'm just
gonna tranquilize him...

So I can chop off his
feet as proof he exists...

Then dump him back in
the wild. He'll do fine.

You'll have to get through me first.

Okay. Nighty-Night.

Ah!

Now, leave this gentle Sasquatch,
or Wood Ape, in peace...

So I can finally and at long last
harvest this pathetic human's lower horn.

Yeah!

Wait. What am I saying?

If I poach this beast's
lower horn, am I any better...

Than that ranger with
his demented foot lust?

Yes, but not by enough.

Score.

This human's lower horn
is one of God's creatures.

A living thing. And all living
things, large and small--

In this case, small! Whoo!

Have dignity and a spark of the divine.

That's the gentle, sensitive
poet w*rlord I fell in love with.

Oh, yeah

You'll want to retreat to
a safe, 500-Meter radius.

Well, Fry, it looks like you get
to hold on to your lower horn.

As usual! Whoo!

Run away!

There, right there, right there.
Oh, yeah.

You're on a scenic route through
a state recreation area...

Known as the human mind.
You ask a passerby for directions...

Only to find he has
no face or something.

Suddenly up ahead, a door in the road.

You swerve, narrowly
avoiding The Scary Door.

I have combined the DNA of the
world's most evil animals...

To make the most evil
creature of them all.

It turns out it's man.