01x05 - D-Day

[bunniefuu]

I'm counting this as a walk, by the way.

We walked from the car to this bench.

- Let's not be heroes.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]

[GASPS] Oh! Andrea's going live.

She's trying to be a beauty influencer.

Hi, everyone! It's
your girl Andrea here.

It's, like, super important
to start your skin care young.

This is my mother.

What's happening here?

See how she did not start

her skincare at my age?

Sad.

Is that your driver's license photo?

Ooh. DMV lighting's brutal.

I did not approve this!

Today, I'm giving away
a free jade roller

to the first person who can
guess my mom's actual age.

Let's see what we've got here.

- [MESSAGE CHIMES]
- Oh, ! Nope.

- [MESSAGE CHIMES]
- . Closer.

- Unh-unh! Very far!
- Oh! !

Mm, enough! We're... We're
done. We're not watching this.

- Oh, we have a winner!
- Turn it off. Turn it off.

- [MESSAGE CHIMES]
- Ah! I won!

[LAUGHS] I won the jade roller.

- Can you deliver it to me?
- Deliver it somewhere.

I'll tell you where I'm gonna
deliver that jade roller.

♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪

JODIE: It is Dylan McKay Day.

Can you guys be at my house by : ?

Aw, sh**t. I have the kids.

- Ask Gloria to stay.
- Are you insane?

I can't tell Gloria I want to
take time away from the kids

to go lay in bed, stuff my face,

and watch a " "
marathon with my friends.

Gloria needs to understand
that this is the anniversary

when Dylan picks Kelly over Brenda.

- Bad mistake.
- The obvious choice.

Obvious.

That was the biggest fight we ever had.

My thumb still does not bend

from when Coleen winged
that Magic -Ball at me.

Well, you wouldn't stop gloating

after Dylan chose that blond whore.

But we moved past it,
it made us stronger,

and Coleen would be so mad

if we stopped doing this
just because she's gone.

All right, well, I'll be
late 'cause I have to work.

Can't a -year-old cover your shift?

Very funny.

They don't get off school till : .
- Mm.

And Tanzy's working. I want to see her.

What's a Tanzy?

It's just a girl I like at work.

She's, uh... she's hot, and she reads.

- I think.
- Wait.

You like someone? This is huge!

- No, it's... not.
- Tanzy.

What, did her parents own a carnival?

Oh, I'm sorry we can't all be Amys.

Okay, so Sarah will be late,
just like in her doctor days.

You have to make this work.

Don't you think I want a break?

Who knew it would be difficult

being a mother and a working woman?

Everyone.

There are literally
shelves of books about this.

- Blogs, too. Podcasts.
- Mm.

I love D-Day, but again,
the childcare thing.

Okay, why is there not
a Tinder for babysitters?

You are not my table!

I am so sorry. That was
a waitressing flashback.

But why would you touch me?

I'm sorry to eavesdrop,

but I can babysit your
kids today if you want.

Oh, that is very sweet,

but I can't have a
stranger watch my children.

Can I? No.

No, no, no. I can't. I-I can't.

- Can I?
- I'm not a stranger.

We live on the same street. I'm Emily.

Really? What house?

Uh, the red house.

You sideswiped our mailbox.

Yeah, that doesn't narrow it down.

But, hey, if you're a neighbor,
then if something goes wrong,

I know where you... might live.

So I'm in. I'm in! So now
you need to make this happen.

Guys, look.

This is what Tanzy looks like.

Oh, my God. Wow.

Why is she working at Fields?

Thank you.

No, that's not...

That's what I meant.
That is what I mean.

Excuse me. What time...

You are not my table!

Oh. Oh, be at my house at : .

GLORIA: Ooh, I'll be back tomorrow!

Don't you worry. We're
gonna have a good time!

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, I need... I need my bag.
- Oh, right, yeah.

- Oh.
- There we go.

Off we go! Okay, love you.

Guys, good news!

Someone younger and
more energetic than Mommy

is gonna come over and
spend the afternoon with you.

Someone who likes to stand up more.

- Yay!
- Right?

But here's... here's...
here's the thing.

We can't tell anyone about this.

It's our little secret...
especially not Gloria.

Why not?

'Cause no one likes a narc, Luke.

Also, I'll buy you a Blow Pop.

Gloria doesn't like us to have candy.

Well, then we won't
tell her this, either.

Hmm? Two secrets. Big day.

Okay? That's it.

All right. Great work.

That was... We gotta work on that.

We gotta work on that.

♪ Falling down right into pieces ♪

Oh, hey, Tanzy.

I didn't know you were working today.

[SIGHS] Me either.

I did molly last night, and
I thought it was December.

Huddy had to call me in.

[CHUCKLES] I mean, who doesn't want

a serotonin and dopamine dump, right?

Dump? Ew.

No, no. It's... It's like a dump

in... in your brain,
not like an actual...

Okay.

Where you... I mean, 'cause
you're affected in your brain.

It's not gonna work. You and Tanzy? No.

- Ta... Tanzy? What?
- No.

[SCOFFS]

Why not?

Well, she's into dating younger people,

- like early- s young, and you're...
- Tread lightly, Huddy.

You're a geriatric millennial.

A what?!

What does that even mean?

It's a polite way for
saying "old millennial."

- [GASPS]
- Like you.

Mm.

[LAUGHS]

You know what? I don't need this today.

I had a prior engagement,
and I came to work instead

because I am responsible.

- Which also makes you a geriatric millennial, so, I mean...
- Stop it!

Stop saying "geriatric"! Stop it!

- Stop saying "geriatric"! Stop it!
- Okay. All right.

I may be old, in your opinion,
but I'm gonna blow off my shift

just like a Gen Z would.

All right, I'll hit you
up on your pager, Doctor!

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, Huddy.

[TYPING]

Oh, God. What's with the robe?

- Are you sick?
- No, I'm comfy.

Just trying to let loose for D-Day.

- Oh.
- Here. Let loose.

All right, but only
'cause I'm a little chilly.

Oh, my God.

I had the hardest time getting
Gloria out of the house.

Emily had to circle around
the block on her bike

three times before it was clear.

- Wait. Shoes off the bed, please.
- Oh, my God.

Don't you think Luke is just
gonna tell Gloria anyway?

No, I gave him candy so
he wouldn't tell anyone.

It's our little secret.

Amy, you can't do that with kids.

Why?

'Cause of the whole
child-molestation thing.

- What?
- Yes.

Lying has really changed.

No, it's always been that way.

[SIGHS] Oh, good.

Robes in the afternoon.
We are geriatric.

- No, Taylor Swift wears robes.
- Come on.

Jodie, you are not Taylor Swift,
but interesting comparison.

Okay. Let's do our eating over here.

- What?
- Dan hates crumbs in the bed.

He says it's like sleeping on the beach,

and he hates the beach.

Oh, I bet that's mutual.

Jodie, why do we have to cross over here

and... and hunch over
Dan's man jewelry...

Is that a pinky mood ring?

[GASPS] I can't even look at this.

- We'll get our steps in.
- Get our steps in?

We are not supposed to move on D-Day.

- Coleen would be horrified.
- Exactly.

Remember when I had to drag you
to the bathroom at Col's house

'cause your legs fell asleep?

That's D-Day.

I got a rug burn on both shoulders.

Coleen laughed so hard

that that chocolate shake
came out her nose onto the bed.

She didn't even clean it up.

She just threw a pillow over it.

So sweet.

[SIGHS] I miss her.

- Jodie.
- Mm-hmm.

Let loose.

Vomit and sit in it.

You guys, I can't let
loose in my bedroom.

It's a no-fun zone.

Oh, that's sad.

How about we move D-Day

somewhere we can be real
dirtbags, like Kelly?

You get her name out
of your filthy mouth.

Jodie, will you take that
ridiculous geriatric robe off?

[SIGHS]

Sarah, let's save the
shaming for Brenda.

Oh, so Andrea has a better
TV and a better bed than you?

Yes, I'm afraid of her.
You haven't read her tweets.

- We have.
- We have.

I'm trying to buy her love, okay?

Okay, so, wait. Why are we geriatric?

That is a tomorrow problem.

Today is all about " ."

[SIGHS]

Unless you're really upset.

Like, upset enough to ruin our
most fun day by talking about it.

I'm good.

["THEME FROM BEVERLY
HILLS, " PLAYS]

I waited too long

- to start dating after my divorce.
- [SIGHS] Okay.

[MUSIC PAUSES]

Maybe I should've done it when
I was married, like Diana did.

Now I'm geriatric.

Don't worry. You'll get a second sh*t.

I'm sure you'll be divorced again.

Ladies, we're supposed to save
the chatter for the commercials,

like in the ' s.

- I used to turn heads.
- Still do. Doesn't matter.

Right now, we are watching
Dylan choose Kelly,

the worst mistake he ever made.

- Could not be more wrong.
- No.

You are both stupid.

But that's more like it.

- Everybody cozy?
- Uh-huh.

- Come on, come on.
- Okay, okay.

I know you don't like
being touched, but...

- I don't. Not at all.
- Okay.

" "... here we go!

["THEME FROM BEVERLY
HILLS, " PLAYS]

- Ah!
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Oh, God, it's Henry.

He doesn't know I'm here.
Please turn that down.

- You're not here.
- Uh, hey.

- [VOLUME INCREASES]
- Oh, my God.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

HENRY: Not much. What are you doing?

Nothing. I'm just... I'm
with the kids at the moment.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Because I'm with the kids

and the stranger that's
playing with the kids.

W... Uh, first of all,
Emily is not a stranger.

No, she's a neighbor.

She lives down the way, uh,

at the house that I
sideswiped the mailbox.

Doesn't narrow it down.

Do not change the subject.

Why are you home? [GASPS]

Are you having an affair with Emily?

I'm not having an affair with Emily.

What?

I said not.

I finished early and thought
I'd come surprise you,

which, clearly, I have.

Where are you?

I... am at work.

Yeah, there was a, uh,
fire in the oven on set,

so the fire department, whole thing.

Why didn't you ask Gloria to stay?

Oh, I'm fine. Thank
you so much for asking.

Just a little smoke inhalation.

And Gloria's sick, by
the way. People get sick.

So instead of bothering you,

- I managed to find a highly skilled
babysitter neighbor - [CHEERING]

to fill in at the last minute.

So maybe... maybe...

stop interrogating me
and just say "thank you."

Mm-hmm, okay. Yeah, thank you.

I accept your apology.

Oh, by the way, we probably shouldn't

tell Gloria about Emily,
'cause she'll feel bad

she had to go home and
leave us in a bind.

Uh, yeah, got it. I'll, uh...
I'll let you get back to work.

Oh, how much should I pay her?

Oh, my God, Henry, I can't
do everything for you.

Just figure it out. Love you.

Oh, boy. [CLEARS THROAT]

Hi.

I'm not sure what you negotiated
with their mother, but...

would you accept a gift
card to Troy's Ribs?

I think there's one near Ronkonkoma.

I'll just give you cash.

♪

- Thanks.
- Help with the mailbox.

I am so good at lying.

I almost scare myself.

Why can't Henry know you're here?

Because he's so bad at lying

that if he got one
questioning look from Gloria,

he'd just turn into a
baby and then, you know...

It's just easier this way.

Focus!

I don't have Coleen here
to keep you guys in line.

Guys, I used to pull
off stuff like this.

Wait, why is one of Julia's shirts here?

And where is the stuff I
bought Andrea from The Gap?

My daughter is loose.

Oh, my God. Your boobs are amazing.

Are they wearing makeup?

Oh, they... they blush naturally.

Those are an argument
for never having kids.

God, I never should have
breastfed Luke for that one day.

♪ Mm-mm, mm-mm ♪

Okay, yeah, you look like a TikTok ho.

Aww, Amy.

You would look like a TikTok
ho in these clothes, too.

Oh, you think so?

- Yes.
- Really?

- Do you think so?
- Mm-hmm.

Can we please watch now?

Here's the thing... I just don't
know where I would wear this.

What does she have in the
way of like a-a romper?

JODIE: No, no, no, no, no!

We are not touching anything else

that is not " " -related.

What is this?

Uh, a vibrator.

A vibrator?!

You mean like, for down there?

Well, it's not for up here, sis.

SARAH: It's the Concealer.

Jodie, this is top of the line.

Kids are so spoiled these days.

All I had was a washing machine.

I mean, just look at how small it is.

- Mine was like a big, old cellphone.
- Mm.

Why would my daughter
order a p*rn object?

Oh, no, it's not a p*rn object.

I think it's smart.

She just wants to
masturbate efficiently.

Ughhh!

Don't use that word. I hate that word!

What? "Efficiently"?

The other one.

Yeah, well, nobody likes the word.

It's the doing it that's awesome.

Matter of fact, I used to
strum the banjo to Luke Perry.

I mean, things have really
come full circle here.

Andrea Zuckerman.

- Mm.
- That was my kink.

She was the editor of the Beverly
Hills High School newspaper.

- Just got me.
- West Beverly.

Yeah, no, that checks out for you.

What about you?

Did you tickle the ivories to Brandon?

- I feel like that's your thing.
- No.

Jodie, if you say Steve
Sanders, I swear...

No, I didn't tickle anything.

I don't... tickle.

Are you saying you
never pleasure yourself?

Ugh! Don't say "pleasure."
I hate that word.

Oh, yeah, that's obvious.

So, if you don't climax with Dan...

Okay, now I'm just getting
mad about the words!

Hey, but fighting... that's
a fun D-Day tradition.

When do you... ?

I don't.

I have never, in years, had to...

Anyway, I don't, and I'm not.

Oh... Oh, my G...

- Oh, my God.
- Whoa.

Can we just watch the show?

- No.
- No.

- Um...
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Oh, your phone's ringing.
You better get that.

Oh, God. Ugh. Hi,
Henry. I'm still working.

Just really in the middle of it.

Well, I called Gloria to tell
her not to come in tomorrow

if she's feeling sick,

and you're gonna think
this is so weird...

turns out she isn't sick.

[GASPS] Gloria lied?

- I'm so upset about this.
- [WHISPERING] You are good.

Amy, what's going on?

What is going on is
that the woman we trust

to take care of our children is a liar.

This is... This is a problem.

Yeah, I'm not sure
Gloria's the problem here.

Okay, and you're delusional,
so that's also a problem.

- [CALL ENDS]
- [SIGHS]

Guys, I have to go fix a
lie that I was forced to tell

in order to just have a moment's
peace as a working mother.

- What?!
- Ugh.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Hey.

Guys, I'm not geriatric.

I'm going back to Fields like this.

You go get that Bimzy. D-Day's over.

No, nobody is leaving
until Dylan chooses Kelly

and then we get in a slapping fight

and everything gets weird for five days!

I'm sorry. Henry's gonna k*ll me.

I have to go.

I am so sorry. I love you.

Oh, I have minutes
before Bimzy clocks out.

Damn it, Amy!

AMY: I'm sorry. Well, what is her name?

Love you. I just want to feel young.

You could still let
loose! Go get your robe.

Worst freakin' D-Day ever.

[WHIMPERS]

I can be Taylor Swift!

♪ Ooh, baby, I will build me up ♪

Oh, uh, hey, Tanzy.

Um, you got a minute
to, uh, chat in the back?

Absolutely.

And cute shirt.

Thrift?

Uh, sort of.

♪ Ooh, baby, I will build me up ♪

♪

- Welcome home.
- Okay.

Wow. What are you wearing? You look hot.

A teenager's clothing.

Oh, I feel creepy.

Yeah, well, you should. Good night.

Amy, it's : .

Fine, fine, fine. Okay.

I'm sorry that I didn't
tell you about Emily,

but I thought you would
just spill it all to Gloria.

You're not a great liar, so
this is kind of your fault.

Don't you think Luke's gonna
tell Gloria about Emily?

No, no, no.

I offered him some candy to keep quiet.

That was before I knew
about the molestation piece.

Yeah, this may be an unpopular opinion,

but I don't think we should
be teaching our son to lie.

Mnh-mnh. You know what, Henry?

Lying is a very important
life skill, okay?

You're gonna teach him
how to change a tire.

I'm gonna teach him how
to say that he has cramps

when he didn't study for an exam.

Well, what happens when
he starts lying to us,

like when he's out
drinking with friends?

[CHUCKLES] Come on. He's a birder.

He's not gonna have cool friends.

Yeah, probably not.
So, where were you today?

I'm not gonna believe you,

but I'm excited to see
what you come up with.

I was at D-Day.

At Jodie's.

I can't believe Dylan chose Kelly.

I'm still not over it.

Like, does anyone ever talk about

how Kelly could do that to Brenda?

Well, we were planning
on talking about that,

and then you blew up my lie.

Why do you have to
lie in the first place?

Just say you want to take the day off

instead of weaving this
tangled web for yourself.

I can't just take the day off.

Moms just don't take the day off,

so I have to lie so
Gloria won't judge me.

Oh, come on.

Gloria judges you for everything.

That's never stopped you before.

Okay, so that you won't judge me.

Well, that's definitely
never stopped you before.

And why would I be judging you?

You know, I made a huge life decision

to come home in the afternoons
and be with the kids.

So I don't get to have fun or relax.

That's what you and Gloria think.

Okay.

I'm gonna go saw some stuff for work.

Wait, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, no!

I deserve to be happy. I'm a person.

If I want to spend the afternoons

fighting with my friends,
then I'm entitled to that.

You know what? No. My
body, my choice, sir.

♪

I don't know how we got
there, but it was a fun ride.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Come here.

- [SIGHS]
- [CLEARS THROAT]

- You want to know something?
- What?

- I never called Gloria.
- What?!

- [LAUGHS]
- [SCOFFS]

♪ When we first met, we were only ♪

- ♪ You looked at me... ♪
- Wow.

That was the best "chat" I've ever had.

- Like, amazing.
- Mm.

Eh?

Well, it's nothing
personal, babe. You're young.

We'll get you there.

♪ ... even wrote me a letter, and I ♪

You're gonna want to
replace the changing table

in the ladies' room.

Did you know there's a weight limit?

♪ Looks like we were
always meant for... ♪

["THEME FROM BEVERLY
HILLS, " PLAYING]

[GROANS]

[TV TURNS OFF]

[CLICK]

[SOFT BUZZING]

[GASPS]

[MUFFLED BUZZING]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

♪

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

♪

C-O-N-C-E-A-L-E-R...

- _
- Nothing?

How?!

[MUFFLED BUZZING] Ahh.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

ANDREA: Mom?!

Were you in my room?

What? No.

Well, I ordered concealer
to review for my live stream

when I was talking about your skin,

and then they sent the wrong thing,

so now I have to return
it, but the box is gone.

Makeup concealer. Of course!

That makes so much more sense.

- What?
- No, I'm sure it's there. Go look again.

[BUZZING CONTINUES]

Can you go see what's buzzing?

It's coming from upstairs.

And don't come back in here.

I don't need everybody to see
what I'm making for dinner.

Chop chop.

Can you go?!

Oh.

[BUZZING CONTINUES]

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

- Oh!
- [CLATTER, BUZZING]

There it goes.

Okay.

- [SIGHS]
- Mom?

[CLICK, BUZZING STOPS]

A-Are you okay?

Yes. Yes, I...

Buzzing stopped.

I knew it was coming from upstairs.

- No, it wasn't.
- It was.

Do you want to go out for dinner?

I'll grab my shoes.

♪

Mom, why are you glowing?

Hey, Jode.

- Sorry for ruining D-Day.
- Don't care. Have news.

- Okay.
- What?

- I self-stimulated.
- [GASPS] Oh, my God.

Don't say those words,
but congratulations.

Finally. [CHUCKLES]

Well, welcome to sixth grade, Jodie.

Coffee's on me.

[LOUD BUZZING]

Oh, my God.

Is that the Concealer?

Are you packing?

You never know when you
could get stuck in traffic.

What?

The school pick-up line could be long.

Oh, my God. You dirty birdy.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What
was that dismount?

Whoa.

There's so many ways to
get around that chair,

but she chose that.

So... [CHUCKLES]

Oh.