05x15 - You Oughta Be in Pictures

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Okay, step... Attaboy.

- Be careful.
- Step... Good.

Len, there's no more steps.

Take my word for it,
Laverne, there's one more step.

What do you call that?

Very good. At ease, soldier.

Just drop it anywhere.

Thanks. I will.

You know, girls, now
that the three of us

are in the Army Reserves,
uh, really kind of feeling

like we're getting to
be bosom buddies.

Let's just leave it at
buddies, shall we?

Len...

Pop? Is that you?

My pop.

Well, Len, thanks for driving
us home from the base.

Oh, listen, as the Marquis
de Sade once said,

"My pleasure."

- Would you tell him...?
- Len? Len?

- You could keep that.
- Ah, thanks.

Okay. And here's your bag.

- Uh-huh.
- And shut the door behind you.

Well...

Boy, is it hot. Let's get
out of these uniforms.

- Really.
- Okay?

Boy, whoever thought
the Army Reserves

would be so much fun?

Yeah, I just love it when
the guys snuck over

and we played spin the r*fle.

Yeah, spin the r*fle was fun,
especially when we decided

- to take the bayonet off.
- Yeah.

But it was a little late for
poor old Private Zuckerman.

Poor guy.

What are you doing?!

L-Laverne... Get out of here!

- Right now! Just remove yourself!
- Get out of here!

Out! Out! Oh!

At least you might have
said, "Nice body, Len."

Get out!

Now, where do you suppose
he gets his underwear?

- Aw, Shirl, - Well...

why'd you have
to bring that up for?

Now I'm gonna be up
all night thinking about it.

I know what I'm gonna be
up all night thinking about!

Don't say it, Shirl, okay?

Oh, please, Laverne, come
on, if you think about it...

Shirl, I warned you
on the way home

and I'm warning you again:
you bring it up one more time

and I'm gonna take
the socks out of your bra

and give them to
Squiggy to play with.

Okay?

That's how you
treat fine wool, hmm?

Come on, Laverne, please...

Shirl, for the last
time, I am not trying out

for no stupid army movie!

Oh, but, Laverne, Laverne,
I can't go down there

and audition by myself...
I need you with me.

Please? Here, let me
help you do that. Please?

- Please?
- Thank you. Shirl,

you are a born
actress; I am not.

Oh, fiddlesticks, fiddlesticks.

Laverne, you have
all the makings

- for a Hollywood star.
- Nah.

You do! You have charisma.

- Nah.
- You got pizzazz.

Nah.

I don't.

What else do I have?

You got that DeFazio smile.

Come on, flash that
baby for me. Flash it.

Flash me that smile.

Dazzling!

Oh! I'm blinded, I'm blinded!

Oh, come on, Laverne.

And you know something else?

You know what you
have south of that smile?

- What?
- You have the body

of a sex goddess.

Really?

Laverne, put a paper
bag over your head

and you could be Marilyn Monroe.

Put a paper bag over my head?!

Well, that's a nice
little pep talk there.

No, no, no, no, well,
what I meant was,

what I meant was, Marilyn
is a blonde and you're n...

Okay, okay, put a
paper bag over your hair.

Why don't you put a
paper bag in your mouth!

Well, now, don't
get snitty with me!

Ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha! It took me six
hours, but I fixed the toilet!

I fixed it!

Ha-ha-ha!

Pop, there was nothing
wrong with the toilet.

I told you to fix the sink.

Sink.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Before you att*ck
that nasty sink,

help me convince your
stubborn-headed daughter

that she can act.

Sure, she's a natural actress.

You know, all us
DeFazios can act, you know.

- Really? Really?
- What are you talking about?

You remember me in high school?

How am I gonna remember
you in high school?

Not that kind of remember!

It's like, remember, you
know, I was in high school,

- like that kind of remember.
- Oh, well, I-I know.

- What about it? What about it?
- Yeah!

I played Hamlet.

- Get out of here.
- Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ah-ha-ha-ha! That's right!

You don't believe it?
Here, sit down, watch.

To be... or not to be...

That's a good question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the
mind with the bows and arrows

and the slings of
outrageous fortune-tellers...

I think it's over.

- That was wonderful.
- Now, you can take it

from a wet man... she can act.

- That's right.
- Watch yourself.

You see? You see that?

Even a man who's played
Shakespeare's Hamlet

says you can act.

What...

Okay, both of us'll audition.

Oh! Oh! Oh, you won't be sorry,
you won't be sorry, because...

♪ There's no business
like show business ♪

♪ Like no business I know ♪

♪ Everything about
it is appealing... ♪

Hi, everyone.

Squigg, as far as the
naked eye can see,

women of the opposite gender.

This must be what
religious fanatics

call "The Promised Land."

- Lenny, get over here.
- Come here.

- Come here. Come here.
- Ah! Oh!

My neck out of whack!

Right now! I thought you boys
came here to audition for parts.

Well, I see a couple of
parts I'd like to audition.

Ha-ha! Oh, Lenny,
you devil, you!

The men's auditions are
down the hall that way, see?

Men's.

Hey, I can see with
my own two brains.

Listen, girls, we've
sized up your competition

- and we've got good news.
- What?

You could still catch
the last bus home.

Oh, come on, now,
don't get excited.

This is America... there
are plenty of opportunities

for the plain-looking.

Plain-looking.
Oh, you're a devil.

You're a devil.

- Plain-looking. Plain-looking?
- Just remove yourself, please.

- Oh, come on.
- They called us plain-looking.

- Forget...
- I'm going home.

Laverne! Forget what Lenny said.

Just wipe it from your mind.

We are not plain-looking.

Au contraire.

Okay, cookies, line up, line up.

- Okay, line up!
- All right!

Dickie, my chair!

- Well, L... Well!
- Shirl!

Perfect.

I am your director, Todd Powers.

However, as personal
friends of mine,

you may call me T.P.

Hi, T.P.

Thank you. You'll
be happy to know

that I am from... Hollywood.

Oh!

The only reason
I'm in... Milwaukee...

is because there's no
army in... Hollywood.

However, I am
always on the lookout

for exciting, fresh
and new... faces.

Dickie?

Come on, Laverne, this
could be our big break.

Now, we got to do
something to, like, you know,

stand out in the line here.

Not that. Not that.
You don't have to resort

to vulgar sex.

Oh... ravishing.

Tres gorgeoso.

That's what I want,
Dickie... Sex appeal.

Turn around.

Turn around again.

You and you... I
have found my stars!

- Laverne! Stars!
- Oh!

The search is over.

- It's over.
- The rest of you, please leave.

- Away.
- Please leave. Oh, but nice try,

and it's good experience.

We are going to
make... cinema history.

- Oh, I can hardly wait...
- Oh, I hope so.

But first, tell me your names.

Oh, oh, names,
names, okay, our names.

I'm Laverne and this is Shirley.

- Love. Shirley Love.
- Shirley Love?

That's going to be
my new stage name.

Oh. Oh, in that case,
my name's Laverne...

DeFazio.

- Oh, good choice.
- I was stumped. I was...

Ladies, I want you to
go sign your contracts,

- Yeah?
- Get fitted for wardrobe,

- Uh-huh.
- And then report to makeup.

- Now, go, go, go.
- Go, go, go. Go, go, go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Uh, Mr. Director,

just, uh, who are we
gonna be in this movie here?

Why, you're
going to be... stars.

- Stars.
- Stars.

Now, go.

- Go.
- Go.

Those two are
perfect for these parts.

You didn't tell them
what the parts are.

You twit!

No one would do this
movie if I told them up front

they were gonna
play two streetwalkers

in an army hygiene film.

Miss Love, Miss
DeFazio, on stage, please.

Ooh... Marveloso.

Simply beautifulous.

- See? He speaks Spanish.
- Yeah.

Uh, excuse me, T.P.,
but in my opinion...

these costumes are a
little bit gaudy and cheap.

Yeah, and I was hoping

- we could keep 'em.
- Y...

- Where am I gonna wear this?
- What? They're beautiful.

Cookies... I love when
he calls us cookies.

Those dresses
show off your assets.

Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, go on. You
turn my head around.

Dickie, come with me.

- Complimentary.
- Shirl...

Shirl, Shirl, look
over there, huh?

Forget the dresses,
I want to keep them.

Boy, you never miss a chance

to ride that banana boat
into Sleazetown, do you?

- What are you talking about?
- Your mind, sometimes...

Hello, ladies.

Hello.

Which one of you is Miss Love?

I am.

I'm your leading
man, Johnny Pulse.

How do you do? How do you do?

- Fine.
- And I'm your leading man,

Herbie Titlebaum.

Oh, I know why
they put us together...

I couldn't think of a
stage name, neither.

Johnny, would you
follow me, please?

Johnny,

we're both adults,
and we both know

how on-screen romance can,
well, lead to off-screen romance,

and I want to be
right up front with you

and tell you that I'm already
spoken for, so please,

try not to fall in love with me.

I'm gay.

My, my, my.

Well, there is no business
like show business.

I'm really looking forward
to working with you.

Ah... ah...

Come on, Johnny, they want
to check out our wardrobe.

Bye, Herbie.

Bye, Laverne.

Good-bye, Miss Love.

Good-bye, Mr. Purse... Pulse.

- See you later.
- Bye-bye.

See you later. Boy,
is your guy cute.

Oh, shut up.

Just shut up, please.

Shut up and just leave
me alone about that.

- Okay, I'm much better now. I'm fine.
- Oh, good.

Okay, cookies, let's get ready.

More cookies!

I love it when he calls us that.

- Now, kids, - Yeah?

I know you've been
wondering about the script.

Well, forget about it.

All great directors
throw away the script.

- What's he talking about?
- I don't know,

- but I want the job...
- Now, ladies, in this film,

- you play Lola and Lila, - Oh.
- Ooh.

Two working girls out
for an evening of fun.

Ooh, oh, oh,
that's great for us.

We're great for the parts,
because if there's anything

we are good at, it's
having fun in the evening.

- That's right.
- Now,

I want you to
memorize these lines.

- Oh, we get lines. Oh, oh.
- We got lines.

Got it?

Good.

Now, you've already
met your leading men,

- Pulse and Titlebaum.
- Oh, yeah.

Now, as the scene
begins, Pulse and Titlebaum

are seated on the park bench.

You enter, you
do your sexy walk,

you go to the lamppost,
and you say your lines.

Cut!

And then you
listen to the narrator,

who will be played by
our very own Dickie...

- Oh, Dickie.
- And react appropriately.

- Okay? -Okay.
- Oh, you can count on us, T.P.

- I knew I could.
- Oh, good.

- All right, everybody, it's magic time!
- Oh!

And... camera.

- Bring that camera in here.
- Camera.

- Very good. Lights.
- Oh. Laverne.

- Lights.
- Oh, look at this.

Set.

- What set?
- Oh, look, here it comes.

- Oh, look at this.
- Beautiful, beautiful.

- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, look... it's a USO club.

Oh, a perfect setting for
an army recruiting film.

- There you go.
- Oh, now I know what we're gonna do...

We're the girls whose duty
it is to entertain the troops.

- Of course.
- You got it, cookies.

Now, let's go over
here to our places,

our starting marks, as it were.

And now, girls,
let's... make a movie!

- Now? Right now?
- Oh. Hi, Herbie.

Of course now. Now
is always the best time.

So let's begin.

Oh, well... okay.

Dickie, slate.

Well, just, you know...

This Can Happen
to You, take one.

Good luck, Herbie.

Quiet on the set.

And... action, boys.

You are a serviceman.

You've been cooped up
on the base for months.

Suddenly, pow.

You've got leave on your
hands and hay in your pockets.

You're out looking for fun,

and fun is looking for you.

- Cue, cue, girls.
- What?

Girls, go. Walk.

Sexy walk. Doing the sexy walk.

- Sexy walk. Sexy walk.
- Sexy...

Here we go, sexy walk.

Shake it, shake it. Shake it.

Hi there, you GI bundle of joy.

I just love a man in a uniform.

Want to make a wish come true?

Just toss some
coins in the well.

Sure, these girls
look attractive,

even beautiful, but,
soldiers, beware.

These women are... tramps.

Bimbos. Harlots.

They are the enemy of
every mother in America.

Keep the action going.

But, soldiers, wait.

These women are unclean.

Bad women.

Trouble with a capital "T."

Learn to look for these
telltale signs of danger.

The lamppost.

The cheap, gaudy dresses.

The painted mouths.

And those flashy
purses dangling like bait.

Yee-uck!

Come on, Bill.

Let's go find some
good, clean fun.

Say,

why don't we buy some
stamps and put them in a album.

That would be swell.

- Yee-uck.
- Yee-uck.

Yes, those men were smart

and walked away from trouble.

Other soldiers weren't so lucky.

Hello.

Good-bye, Shirley Love.

Good-bye, Laverne... DeFazio.

- Tramps.
- Oh...

- Bimbos.
- Aw, please...

- Harlots.
- Oh...

I've never been so
humiliated in my entire life.

Thank goodness I
didn't use my real name.

Oh, no.

Oh, Laverne, Laverne, I
just had a horrible thought.

- What?
- Suppose my mother sees this movie.

Why would your mother
see an army hygiene film?

Well, you know her...
She loves movies.

She sees everything.

Well, as bad as we looked,
Lenny and Squiggy looked worse.

Yeah, but they got
that way because of us.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, all my life I've
tried to be a good girl,

and now something
like this happens.

I mean, rightfully so, I should
have been the next Tammy.

♪ I hear the cottonwoods ♪

- ♪ Whispering above... ♪
- Shirl, calm down, okay?

Hey, hey, hey, the
stars are back today.

How'd you do, huh?
Tell me all about it.

You were great, weren't you?
Huh? You knocked 'em dead there?

I knew you girls had
what it takes to be stars.

Oh, Carmine, Carmine,
they made us play b-b...

- B-B...
- B-B... Bumblebees?

No, no, no, no,
no. They us play b...

- B...
- Bimbos.

- Yes.
- Bimbos? That was my next guess.

B... Aw, bimbos?

Yes. In an army hygiene film.

It was terrible.

Aw, don't cry.

- It was just terrible.
- Oh, come on,

it was just a movie.

Come on, don't
cry. Forget about it.

Forget about it.

Look, everybody knows
that you're not easy women.

I mean, I can personally
vouch for Shirley.

Well, I can vouch for myself.

Come on, why are you two so sad?

- You should be proud.
- Why?

'Cause you served
your country, that's why.

- How?
- Well, millions of GIs

will see that movie
and not get in trouble.

Oh...

So you did good. You
should be happy. What?

Oh, maybe, but what gets me is,

people are gonna be
snickering behind our backs.

Yeah.

Shirl, look, nobody saw
you play those parts...

At least not your friends... so
you got nothing to worry about.

Lenny and Squiggy were there.

So there'll be a
lot of snickering,

I'll get into a few fights,
you'll have to wear disguises,

but then it'll blow
over, someday.

So forget about it. Come on,
I don't like to see you like this.

Come on, let me see
those old teeth. Come on.

- No.
- ♪ Just what makes ♪

♪ That little old ant ♪

♪ Think he can move
that rubber tree plant? ♪

♪ Anyone knows an ant ♪

♪ Can't ♪

♪ Move a rubber tree plant ♪

♪ 'Cause he's got ♪

♪ High hopes ♪

- ♪ He's got ♪ What?
- ♪ He's got ♪

♪ High hopes... ♪

There, don't you
feel better now?

- No.
- No.

Look, I'll tell you
what, I got an idea.

Oh, here it is right here.
Look, seeing that you're both

already dressed up... and
might I add, you look beautiful...

How's about I take
you to Pfister's for fish?

Pfister's for fish?

- How about it, huh?
- Well...

- Okay? All right, that's my girls.
- Okay, okay.

That's the attitude.
Forget about it.

We'll go down, we'll
have a nice meal,

have a few drinks,
we'll have fun,

and you'll forget all about
playing hookers. Come on.

We played hookers?

I thought we just played bimbos.

Hey, Shirl, Shirl,
don't turn that on yet.

Look here. Did you read
the new Screen Secrets?

It says Johnny Pulse
is having an affair

with a Hollywood starlet.

Don't believe everything
you read, Laverne.

- What do you mean?
- Just don't believe everything you read.

- What do you mean?
- Just believe me...

Girls, you just missed the
most moving m*llitary film

since... That Darn Kamikaze.

- Quit babbling!
- Boys, what do you want?

Well, we just came to tell you

that we saw the
first world premiere

of This Can Happen to You.

Yeah. It was gripping.

Mm! I was so moved, I wept.

He did.

Did anybody recognize
either one of us?

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no. -LAVERNE: Oh, good.

- We had to tell them who you were.
- Yeah.

- What? What? What do you mean?
- What? What do you mean?

Hey, let's go down
to the navy and see

if they want to make
a picture with us.

How are they gonna get a
lamppost on a submarine, though?

- Oh, trick photography.
- Trick photography.

- I'd never think of that.
- Yeah...

The whole army.

- The whole army.
- Come on, no, no,

think about it this way...
It was only the army.

That's right, that's right.

Let's just forget all
about it and watch TV.

77 Sunset Strip is on.

♪ Seventy-seven ♪

♪ Sunset Strip ♪

♪ Seventy-seven ♪

♪ Sunset Strip... ♪

77 Sunset Strip will
not be seen tonight.

Instead, we bring you

the following public
service program.

The U.S. Army presents:
This Can Happen to You.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪