05x20 - m*rder on the Moose Jaw Express: Part 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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05x20 - m*rder on the Moose Jaw Express: Part 1

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♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

- I can't see anything.
- Just one more. -Go on, please.

- Can't see anything.
- Just hurry up, yes?

Just hurry up, my pop said
he'd be here ten minutes ago.

That's right, our train
leaves in 30 minutes.

- Uh...
- There!

Just relax, girls.

Frank will be here any minute.

You know, we're
both so proud of you.

Our girls officially opening
up a new Shotz brewery.

Well, just between you and me,

and the United
States of America,

we're pretty proud
of ourselves, too.

Yeah, not many girls get
to be goodwill ambassadors

to a foreign country.

Oh, tell her what
you gotta say, Shirl.

Welcome to the Shotz
family, Moose Jaw, Canada.

That was good.

I just love the slogan that
won the contest for you.

"Shotz... mmm, good beer."

Well, I-I had an inspiration.

Yeah, I can't believe
Lenny and Squiggy

came in second
place with their slogan.

"All my women drink Shotz.

It dulls the pain."

Happy Easter!

Come on, get in the closet.

No, no, no, no, no, we don't
have time to play Easter.

We're going to catch a train.

You're going to be on
the train when it's Easter,

and I don't want you to miss the
annual DeFazio Easter Egg Hunt.

You love it, right?

- Yes, I love it.
- Sure, we love it.

Hop, hop, hop in the closet.
Come on, let's go, let's go.

- Do it fast, though.
- Go ahead, here, here.

- We got to hurry, Pop.
- Here's your ears, here's your ears.

- Not the ears again.
- Don't lose your ears.

Frank.

Here's your ears,
here's your ears.

Don't you think the girls
are getting a little old for this?

You're never too old
for a good egg hunt.

Oh, here, let me get
your picture, here, turn.

Got it.

Here, come on.

Put on your ears, put on
your ears, go ahead, come on.

Okay!

All bunnies on
the starting mark.

Let's go, hop to it, hop to it.

Let's go, go, go, go, go!

Come on, hope in.
Let's move it along.

Come on. Let's go, let's go.

- Hold it!
- Could we hurry...

Hold it, hold it. Do Thumper.

Oh, come on Pop,
give me a break.

Come on, come on. Do Thumper.

Listen, stop it, stop it.

Listen, nobody loves
a woodland creature

more than this gal, Feeney,
but we have eggs to find

and a train to catch,
so if you would...

Okay, get on your
mark, get set, go!

I love it, I love it.

Give me another one of those.

Thanks for the
fun, Pop, let's go.

How'd you find them so fast?

Because you hide them in
the same place every year.

Of course, it's tradition!

You, then you applaud, you
laugh, you make bunny teeth.

Frank, they're too
big for bunny teeth.

That's right, we are
mature adults now.

Well, I guess then you're
too mature to look for the $50

I hid for a present
going on a trip.

Ohhhh!

Ohhh!

Ohhhh!

What's in here?

Oh!

Ohhh!

Oh, oh, oh...!

This is just beautiful.

Everything in here
is so neat and tidy.

I know, I'll bet
this compartment

is practically germ-free.

Hello.

Be careful, there are
breakables in there,

please be care...

Squig, Squig, Squig,
did you pack a old lady?

This old bag ain't ours.

No... LADY: Oh. Oh, rowdy!

Sorry, ma'am.

Yes, we're very...

Well, well, well, making
friends already, eh, boys?

That old battle-a*
ain't my friend.

Though she did remind me
of my dear tainted mother.

I can't believe it.

What's that there? Stop.

- Will you stop it?!
- Get your hand off of that!

Why are you in these outfits?

Because of the fact
that everybody knows,

no matter how dumb they are,

that mysteries
are found on trains.

And where you find a
mystery, ha ha ha ha,

you will find
Sherlock Squiggman.

So join me, won't you,
in this week's mystery,

- about a woman with a...
- Would you please?

Guys, guys, listen to
me. Sherlock, and...

Dr. Seuss.

- Good choice.
- Thank you.

- I thought of that name.
- Thank you. -Thank you,

thank you both for
helping us with the luggage.

Okay.

Yes, and if a mystery drops by,

why, we'll just send
it on along to you.

- Bye-bye.
- Oh, thank you very much.

We'll be in the
dining car... dining.

Be sure to look in
the detective section.

Watch it, Lenny!

- Go out, go out...
- Oh, please!

Oh, why do they always
have to come and spoil our trip?

Forget about them,
forget about them.

Come on, let's go exploring.

Check out the
guys on board, huh?

I want to be near a cute one
when we go through a tunnel.

Ride, ride, ride that iron horse
straight to Smut Mountain.

- Don't go.
- Oh, all right, all right, all right,

I'm coming, I'm right
behind you, come on...

Complimentary coffee.

Complimentary coffee.

Oh!

Oh, look at this.

Complimentary, Laverne.

That's train talk for "free."

Oh, boy, Shirl, we
are really going in style.

You know, this is just like
having breakfast in bed.

Only it ain't breakfast
and we ain't in bed.

Well it's almost breakfast,
and it's almost bed.

Here's your complimentary
coffee, my dear,

and may I propose a toast
to a trip we will never forget.

Get-Get some of
it down, it's free!

I sure hope they got
seat belts in the bathroom.

There's somebody at the door,

probably a man with
a complimentary mop.

I don't believe it.

- It ain't a guy with a mop.
- There, there.

It's a guy with phlegm.

- Oh, dear sir!
- Here, have some of this.

- Let us help you.
- Here, drink some of this.

Oh, Laverne, you got it
all over the poor man's suit.

I'll get a napkin.

Beware the bald man.

Beg pardon?

Take this.

Trust no one.

Beware the bald man.

You ought to take care of
that cough, it could k*ll you.

- Come on! Faster!
- Gee!

Come on, the body's right there.

Tiny fella, ain't he?

Bye.

Wait a minute, wait a minute...

I'm telling you, there
was a body there.

Someone must have come
in here and hid the body.

- We've got to find it.
- Yes.

- We've got to what?
- Find it!

- Find the body!
- Let's find it.

Ah!

Ah, I thought for
sure I was gone!

Every trip, the same.

Play a trick on the
porter, and get a big laugh.

- Oh, no...
- We didn't mean it.

- I hate trains.
- Oh, sir...

Should have been a bus driver.

Bus driver don't take
nothing from nobody.

Yeah, I should have
been a bus driver.

You dingalings on this
train'll drive a man insane.

Please.

Sir...

I'm telling you, all
of them, all of them!

Shirl, a guy came
in here, right?

I mean, gray suit, striped
tie, Kn*fe in his back?

Oh, I remember that guy.

He said, "Beware of the
bald man" and fell down?

That's him.

We didn't just
imagine it, did we?

Well, we certainly
didn't imagine this!

Laverne?

Hmm?

That means
somewhere on this train,

there is a bald man
who's willing to k*ll for this.

Oh, boy, oh, boy...

Wait a second
here, I don't want it.

Oh, well, I want it?

I certainly don't want it.

He gave it to you, Shirl.

No, he would have
given it to you, but...

No, he liked you better...

I don't want it,
I don't want it!

All right, just look in
it. It may be emeralds.

Who knows?
Diamonds, I don't know.

- What is it? What is it? What is it?
- No, no, it's...

Oh, what is that?

It looks like somebody's
vacation film.

Oh, yeah.

A lake.

Yeah, there's a mountain.

Yeah.

A rocket ship.

Yeah, and there's
another mountain.

Eat it!

Eat the film! Just
eat it, chew it!

Chew it!

Who is it?

Tickets, please.

Oh... It's the conductor.

Come in, Mr. Conductor.

That's right, ma'am, Conductor
John J. Ripper at your service.

Would you please...?

What?

He's bald, he's bald.

Oh, no!

Mr. Ripper, don't k*ll us!

Tell you what, I'll
make a deal with you.

I don't k*ll you,
you don't k*ll me.

Have a nice trip, ladies.

Uh, ho there, barhop.

Hop over here, would you?

Give me a sh*t of vodka
on the rocks, straight up.

Yeah, and you can hit me
again on that rum Bosco

and try and keep your
thumbs out this time, okay?

Now, make it snappy,
run along, boy.

You are a repulsive little man.

Oh, yeah?

Well, so's my mother.

- You got him.
- I got him, I got him.

Ah.

Uh, excuse me, my,
uh, little... drainpipe.

Uh, well, as you
probably noticed, uh,

by my partner and I's, uh...

dress, that we are a
couple of private dicks.

I believe it.

Yeah.

Well, now that you know about
us and we know about you,

what do you say,
uh... want to make out?

I'd rather be boiled in oil.

Well, whatever gets
you through the night.

Oh, excuse me!

- I was coming through first!
- Hey!

- Take it easy, lady!
- Laverne!

Oh! Oh!

Boy, she was in a hurry!

- Hey, maybe she did it.
- Don't be silly!

Remember what the dead guy said:

- "Beware of the bald man."
- Bald, bald.

Okay? Yes...

Oh!

I beg your pardon?

Get out! Get away from us!

Boy, this place is
crawling with 'em, huh?

Mm!

- Hello, gentlemen.
- Hello.

- Come here.
- Boy, Squiggy...

- Come here, we got...
- Sit down, quickly! Quickly.

- Listen.
- Shh...

A man just came into
our compartment...

- Yeah...?
- Will you shut up?

A man just came into
our compartment...

dropped dead...
and then vanished

into thin air.

A case!

Before he d*ed, he said...

"Beware of the bald man."

Holy mackerel, Len,
I've got the hives.

Listen, boys,

we told the porter
what happened,

but he thinks we're crazy.

- Imagine that.
- So-So what we'd like you guys to do

is to please find the dead body,
then we'll have proof, you see,

and then somebody'll
have to believe us.

Okay, okay, we'll
go look for him,

- but, uh, you got to give us some clues.
- Yeah.

The guy is dead!


That's not much
to go on, Laverne.

- Come on!
- Please, please!

- All right, all right, all right!
- Okay?

And, guys, please be careful.

What's he gonna do, k*ll us?

You get the j... You
don't, 'cause you're bald.

Forget about them... there's
a cue ball heading our way.

Good evening, good evening.

My name's Kalaback.

Um, Colonel Emerson P. Kalaback.

I thought perhaps I'd be
allowed to join the ladies,

- the beautiful ladies.
- No! -No!

No, did you say?

- No!
- One more step and you'll die!

Oh. I'm sorry, but
what have I done?

You're bald, aren't you?

That's true, but I've also
got a body that won't quit.

- Body that won't quit...
- A body...

- Yeah, well, did you k*ll anybody lately?
- Hmm?

- Did I k*ll anybody? Lately?
- Yeah.

Let me think.

No, not since I was in India.

Oh, what a charming
case, what memories.

What memories it brings.
Nice to have met you.

- Nice to meet you, too.
- Yeah, nice to meet you, too.

- Yeah...
- Kalaback, Kalaback.

- Kalaback.
- Yeah.

I don't know, Laverne,
something tells me

he's just not our k*ller.

Yeah, well, then he's got a
lot of nerve going around bald.

- Hmm.
- Did I hear you say

a man d*ed in your compartment?

- Yes.
- Yes.

- No!
- No!

Uh, nobody d*ed
in our compartment.

Someone, uh...

Cried. Someone came in
our compartment and cried.

Yes, uh, stubbed their
toe; it was very sad.

- Yes.
- I see.

I don't trust anybody, Shirl.

Well, Laverne, I
don't blame you.

Because death rides these rails.

Don't talk like that, Shirl.

You're giving me chicken skin.

- Look at this!
- Laverne,

somebody has already
k*lled once for this,

and I'm sure it's not over yet.

Somebody tried to k*ll me!

Wasn't that just terrible?

Suppose it doesn't stop here.

Suppose he follows
us to our compartment

and murders us in our sleep!

Well, then let's
get rid of the film.

Come on, that's
all they really want.

Let-Let's chuck it out
the window, come on.

No, no...

- I don't want to die, Shirl!
- Calm down, calm down.

- I don't want... I wanna have babies.
- Calm down, please.

Laverne...

our country's security
is in our hands.

We have a responsibility, nay...

nay, a sacred duty
to protect... this film.

- You hold it for a while.
- Oh, no.

- I don't want it, I don't...
- Shirl, Shirl!

I have a responsibility,

nay, a sacred duty
to protect this heinie.

All right.

We'll choose for it.

All right, I'll take evens.

All right, I'll take odds.

Once, twice, three, sh**t.

I knew I'd lose, I just knew it.

Oh, I feel so much better now.

I said I'm getting
ready for bed now.

Wait a second, Shirl, why
do you get the top one?

If I take that one,
they'll k*ll me first.

You've got the
film; it's only fair.

That's probably for you.

Shh!

Who is it?

Complimentary snack.

At this hour?

I don't trust nobody.
Get a w*apon.

Get a w*apon.

Oh, great, great.

You're gonna get a
k*ller with a pillow?

It would be a far
better world, Laverne,

if everyone fought with pillows.

Have you ever thought of that?

- Huh?
- Just get ready.

Take that! Take that!

Ooh, Oreos and cocoa!

Yeah, they got funny
little marshmallows.

Boy, we're acting like we both
got a case of monkey nerves.

Tell me about it!

Well... here's to Moose Jaw...

- if we ever see it alive.
- You know,

who would've thunk it?

Yesterday, what were we?

A couple of ordinary Janes

working on a
bottle-capping line.

And what are we today?

Kn*fe targets for a bald guy.

No, we are not.

We are pawns in an
international game of chess.

We're Kn*fe targets
for a bald guy.

You have no sense of
adventure, have you?

No sense of adventure?

I got the biggest
sense of adventure

of any person I ever met, Shirl.

I mean, I just don't
want to get home

and have my pop
ask me, "Hey, Laverne,

did you get me
that hunting Kn*fe?"

And me say, "Sure, Pop.

I smuggled it across
the border in my back."

What?

What's the matter?

Choking on an Oreo?

Well, here, have some
cocoa, wash it down.

You're spilling it all
over the place, Shirl!

What's the matter with you?

Oh, you want to play charades?

Okay, I'll play.

Let me see, uh, how many words?

Two.

First word... Cocoa.

First word... cocoa.
I'm hot at this.

Okay, second
word, two syllables.

First syllable... sounds like...

Shirl, Shirl, you can't make
noises when you play this game.

Sounds like noise?

Oh, you sneaky
little cheater, you.

Sounds like noi...
Uh, cocoa, toys?

Cocoa poise?

Okay, I got cocoa
poise. Second syllable...

little word.

On.

Cocoa poise-on...
Cocoa... poise-on...

Cocoa poise-on.

Cocoa poison. Cocoa poison!

I got it around 50 seconds.

I... really not bad.

The cocoa's poisoned?

Shirl!

Oh, Shirl, come on!

No! Oh, geez, come on!

Don't do this to
me, Shirl, come on.

Oh, good, you're
still breathing.

Keep doing that.

I'll get help. I'll
be right back.

Oh, for Pete's sake!

I'll be right back, Shirl!

Come on! Come
on! She's right here.

She's right...

She's gone. She's gone!

She's gone!

Shirl's gone!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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