05x22 - The Survival Test

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Ten minutes to drop time.

Ohhh... Begin final
parachute check.

Ohhh...

I repeat, ten
minutes to drop time.

Ohhhh...

Why do they have to
call it "drop time" for?

Why can't they call it
"float time," or "glide time,"

anything but "drop time"?

Come on, Laverne,
quit your bellyaching.

These parachutes always open.

Yeah, well, what if they don't,

and I wind up with my
toes coming out of my ears?

Then you can waddle over to
me, say "Shirl, you were wrong,"

and I'll accept my criticism.

Ooh, very nice, very nice
use of red frosting, Laverne.

Thank you.

Oh, gee... Wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Why does this little
gingerbread man

have red dots all over his face?

He's going through
gingerbread puberty.

Oh.

- Come in!
- Come in.

Hey, girls!

I can't believe it's her!

Sergeant Plout!

At ease, girls, I ain't
your sergeant here.

I'm just a good
friend come-a-calling.

Good friend...

Hut, two, three, four,
hut, two, three, four.

Move it, move it, move it,
move it, move it, move it.

Company... halt!

Oh, boy.

Girls, howdy.

- Howdy. Howdy. Howdy.
- Howdy.

Gee, Sergeant Plout!

Well, what a surprise.

We thought when the WACs
shipped you off to Greenland,

well, we thought we'd
never see your face again.

You mean you hoped
you never would.

Well, yeah, that's it, we hoped.

Oh, boy, you two girls
are a hoot and a hee-haw!

Aah!

What's she doing here?

I don't know. Just
be polite, be polite.

- Hi.
- Hi

Well, now listen,
I can't stay long.

- Oh, what a pity. Oh...
- Oh, no!

Well, but I just had to drop
by and see my dearest friends,

Feeney and DeFazio.

- Oh...
- What dearest friends?

Don't sit on Boo Boo Kitty.

What the hell is
a Boo Boo Kitty?

Boo Boo Kitty...

Never mind, I don't
think I want to know.

Put him to bed, Laverne.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Let's just talk about me.

At least that'll
keep me interested.

Girls, you are looking
at one proud dogface.

I knew there was something
different about that dogface.

Now, listen up here.

I have designed a
program that is gonna prove

that WACs is just as
tough as regular Army.

Now, it consists
of a survival test

in the frozen wilderness
between men and women, huh?

What do you think?

- Sounds great. Just great.
- Sounds great. Good idea.

Good thinking.

Where do you come up
with these ideas, Plout?

All the time you have these
kind of plans and ideas.

Good, 'cause I've
signed you up for it.

- No.
- Terrible idea.

No, no, no...

Where do you come up
with these ideas, Plout?

Wait just a minute
here! Now what is this?

Can't you see that the pride
of the WACs is at stake here?

Well, all the Army thinks we're
good for is tromping around

on parade day and
flashing a little thigh.

Well, I won a medal for that.

Now look, don't get me wrong.

I got nothing against men.

Why, I too, have known the
need for a masculine touch.

This I got to hear.

When?

I can recall a certain
supply sergeant.

Supply sergeant...

Well, that was just a
brief and brutal fling.

Brief?

Brutal.

You got pictures?

Slides.

- Ooh, I wish we had a viewfinder or...
- One of those...

Anyhow!

You two girls are
gonna help me prove

that the WACs is more than just
the paprika on the deviled eggs

of the United States Army, amen.

Laverne, please,
buck up, would you?

I'm trying, Shirl, but I can't.

I mean, you know how
much I hate flying in a plane?

Yes.

Well, it's nothing compared to
how I hate jumping out of one.

Aw, gee, I'm getting a bad
case of the monkey nerves, Shirl,

- I can feel it.
- No, no, fight it.

Fight it. Fight it, fight it.

Don't embarrass us
in front of these people.

Fight it, fight it!

- Fight it, fight it!
- Well, you girls

are about to do a
5,000-foot swan dive.

Hope them chutes open.

No, no, no, no...
No, no, no, no...

All right, okay, all right,
calm down, calm down.

I got it... I got it right
here, I got it right here.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Here we go. Here
we go. There you go.

Just a little potassium
deficiency, that's all, Sarge.

Now hear this.

After all the teams have jumped,

we're going to
circle back around.

We're going to
drop your supplies.

Now, when you're ready
to throw in the towel,

you just fire up your
flare g*n you got here,

and I'm gonna come down
and get you in my helicopter.

Now, don't think
of this as a contest.

There's no winners, no losers.

Only heroic survivors
and scum-sucking quitters.

You girls may have noticed
that I ain't got no partner.

See, I don't need one.

Day ain't never gonna come
when Lou Duff needs help

to whup a couple
of prissy little girls.

Well, may I say, sir, that not
only will you lose this contest,

but you have just lost my
vote for Mr. Congeniality.

Drop time.

All right everybody,
let's hook up, move out.

Come on.

Move out, come on.

- Don't push me!
- All right, I'm not...

Let's move out.

Let's go...

Laverne, would you
stop it? Just stop it, stop it!

Oh, see? There!

There's nothing to be...

Aah, aah, aah!

That's a long way
down... Don't make us...

No, I might land on a
squirrel or something.

Please?

- Please don't make...
- Oh, I...

Jump or die.

Will you two get the
hell out of this airplane?

- Laverne!
- Oh, no!

Them two girls are
gonna make me as proud

as the mother of
a ten-pound potato.

We're almost down,
we're almost down.

Oh, we're down!

Almost.

Some place to grow a tree!

Oh, oh...

Throw mine, throw mine.

Okay, all right.

- Where are you?
- I'm here.

- Okay.
- All right, let's unbuckle these things.

- I can't...
- All right, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, we
need a little space here.

Come on honey, come on!

Right here, right here,
right here! Come on!

Right here!

I'll k*ll you!

- Okay!
- All right, okay, all right,

all right, all right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.

All right, just a
second, just a second.

Please, I just want to get down.

All right, all right.

Oh, there we go! Let
me... just lean on your...

Okay, all right,
wait, wait, Laverne...

I got it, I got it, I got it!

- Hold on to me. Hold on to me.
- Okay, all right.

- I got you.
- Okay!

Okay, okay, okay... all right.

I'm free!

- I'm saved!
- Okay, Shirl.

- Oh, it's a winter wonderland!
- Shirl!

- Go frolic.
- Shirl, Shirl.

It's beautiful, beautiful...

Shirl, get me down from here!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. Pardon my joy.

I was just so happy

to be down on the
earth for a second.

- Get me down, too.
- All right.

Okay.

Let's get your feet.

Yes, yes, yes, I see.

- Beautiful, you should s...
- Back up, back up, back up.

- Oh, Laverne!
- Okay, get down towards the ground.

Oh, I'm so happy to be down!

I'm so happy to be down!

Oh, my neck!

I made it safe.
I can't believe it.

Oh, oh... oh, wait, oh, look!

Look! Look!

- Not in the tree. Not in the...
- Not the tree! Not the tree!

No... Oh!

Great. Good sh*t!

From the tree, that's right.

- No, no...
- Not the river!

- Not in the river!
- Not the river!

- I think that one was yours, Shirl.
- Nice try.

Nice try, pally, but
whatever's in here

we're splitting down the
middle, 50-50, you got it?

Okay, let's dump it out.

- Okay.
- What's in here?

All right, all right. All right,
Okay, we got our tent...

Yeah...

We got a lantern, we
got our sleeping bags,

we got our snowshoes, a
mess kit, and our flare g*n.

Okay, this thing's empty.

- Didn't you forget something?
- What?

You forgot to mention food.

No, I didn't forget
to mention it.

There is no food.

It must be in that bag
that landed in the river.

We're gonna starve.

No, we're not
gonna starve. No...

Yeah we are, we're gonna starve.

We are not going
to starve, Laverne.

Don't jump to conclusions.

Shirl, no food means
we're gonna starve.

Oh, Laverne, come on
now, we'll just live off the land.

We'll live off of nuts
and berries and bark.

Bark?

Yes, bark.

- Bark?
- It's very good for you.

I ain't eating bark.

Oh, you know,
that is typical of you.

Turning your nose up
at perfectly good food

before you've even tried it.

I don't want to eat bark. I
don't even chew on pencils.

Laverne, a lot of famous
people have eaten bark.

Oh, well, name one
famous bark-eater.

Ed "Woody" Flugelman.

Who?

Ed "Woody" Flugelman.

Who's he?

I read about him in
Ripley's Believe It or Not.

The man ate trees for 60 years,

until he d*ed of
Dutch elm disease.

- Shirl?
- Yeah.

I've got a question.

Ain't there
supposed to be sticks

to stick this tent up with?

"Sticks," she calls
them... "sticks."

They're referred to as
"tent poles," Laverne...

"tent poles."

Okay, uh, where
are the tent poles

to put this thing
up with, please?

I don't know where they are,

but if they're not
there, we're dead.

We ain't got 'em.

What do you mean,
we ain't got 'em?

- They ain't there.
- What do you mean?

Are you sure? Did
you search everything?

They look just like
sticks, Laverne.

Did you...?

Feeney and DeFazio.

- Hi.
- This is Sergeant Plout.

Good news!

One of the other
teams has just given up!

The idiots were
sitting under a tarpaulin

and got frostbite!

Rise and shine
and congratulations.

Two more teams have given up.

Now it's down to you
against Private Lou Duff,

so you just stick to it

like a cow patty
on a hobnail boot.

Oh, Shirl, I can't
take this any longer.

My mouth started watering
when she said "cow patty."

Oh, Laverne, come
on, you'll be fine,

just as soon as you get a
little breakfast in your belly.

Come on, let's take a hike
and look for some berries.

Shirl, we never find berries.

All we find is bark.

Yes, well... I smell bacon.

Mmm, and waffles and syrup.

Is there such a thing as The
Wilderness House of Pancakes?

No.

- No, no, that's Lou.
- What is it?

- He's cooking his breakfast...
- No.

And he's taunting us with it.

Laverne, he's trying
to break our spirit.

Well, I'm just going
to ignore him, that's all.

Well, you have fun.
I'm gonna beg for food.

- No!
- Lou!

No, no, you don't.

You don't beg for food.

All right, I don't beg for food.

Right.

I'll trade him... My
body for his bacon.

How do I look? My hair...

Laverne, you'd let him have
his way with you for bacon?

And eggs.

You'd sell yourself
that cheaply?

- All right.
- All right.

I'll make him
throw in the toast.

- Lou...!
- Laverne!

Laverne, Laverne!

Laverne, you've saved yourself
all these years for Mr. Right.

Don't settle for Mr. Bacon.

- Don't settle for Mr. Bacon, come on.
- Shirl, Shirl,

- I'm so cold, I'm so weak.
- Just sit down here on this...

I'm so hungry.

We can't last out
here any longer.

If we stay here,
we're going to end up

nothing but two scrawny
piles of skin and bones.

Hello...

Oh, Laverne, we've
got a surprise for you.

A big, fat, plump, dead turkey.

- Oh, Shirl, look, we're saved.
- What?

Come on, Laverne,
open up those nose holes.

This bird really smells.

You're starving, Laverne.

You could suck up this turkey,

platter and all.

Hey, don't go, wait!

I'll suck up the
platter, come on.

Give me a leg, give me a
wing, give me a pupik, anything.

Come on, give me...
What's wrong with you?

Well, didn't you see
Lenny and Squiggy?

They were wearing shorts and
carrying a great big old turkey?

They said hi.

Yes, yes, of course I saw them.

I saw them in their shorts and I
saw them carrying a big turkey

- Oh, good...
- and riding that big pink polar bear.

They weren't on no polar
bear, Shirl, and I saw that turkey.

- Laverne.
- I saw it!

It was a 15-pound,
self-basting Butterball,

cooked to a golden brown

with raisin stuffing
and steaming hot gravy.

Laverne, Laverne, listen to me.

Laverne, there was no
turkey, no raisin stuffing,

no steaming gravy over fluffy
whipped mashed potatoes

next to yams and
cranberry sauce.

Oh.

- You okay?
- Thank you, yes.

- Bark.
- Bark.

Boy, oh, boy, you know,

nothing starts off the day like
a big, hearty breakfast, huh?

Hey, come on now, aren't
you girls ready to give up yet?

Ha, give up?

We're never going to give up.

Yeah, and you can put
your butter away, buddy,

because I wouldn't
let you touch me

if you were the last
piece of bacon on Earth.

That's right!

Face it, Duff, we're
going to win this contest.

You?

I'll tell you what, girls, I got a
one-word answer to that one.

Ha!

Now we got to listen
to your voice all day.

What's that?

Breakfast coming up on him.

Uh...

- Avalanche!
- Avalanche!

Shirl, Shirl?

Where are you, Shirl?

Shirl, where are you?

Shirl?

Shirl, Shirl, where are you?

Get up, girl.

You're okay.

- Oh, it's terrible!
- What?

What happened, what happened?

It's terrible!

- What?
- I have snow in my bra.

You better help me find
Lou, before he suffocates.

Oh, Lou.

- Lou, Lou!
- Lou!

Lou!

- Lou, Lou!
- Lou!

Lou!

- There he is!
- There he is!

Lou!

He's there, I found him.

My leg.

Come on!

We gotcha!

- Walk. Here...
- Here we go.

- Here's a rock.
- Yeah, sit on the rock.

What happened?

- Are you okay?
- You okay?

- What is it?
- Nothing, nothing, I'm fine.

Get away from me.

Oh, my leg... I
think it's broken.

- Oh, no.
- B-But, but only in a couple of places.

What's it to you?

Well, Lou, you got
to get to a hospital.

- Yeah.
- Come on, fire up your flare g*n.

- Oh... oh, no.
- Get your flare g*n.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Well, you can forget it.

You girls ain't gonna whup me.

What are you, crazy?

Lou, if you don't quit,
you're going to die.

But I won't lose.

All right, but, now,
that was your flare.

You gave up first, and I won.

Boy, I don't know why
we care if you live or die.

I'm just glad we do, that's all.

I still won.

Yeah.

You won.

Well, Lou's off to the
hospital in the chopper.

The whole time they
were loading him on,

he was gloating to b*at the band
about how he whupped you two.

Really stuck in my craw.

Go on, tell us how we're lower
than ticks on a hog's behind.

Yeah, and how
we're about as useful

as an outhouse
with only three walls.

Well, them are some
of my best sayings,

but I ain't going
to say 'em now.

What I am going to
say is what you done.

You done good.

You survived down there
without food or proper shelter.

You showed the Army brass

that a woman's just
as tough as any man,

plus you saved
the life of a soldier.

You have won the respect

of Sergeant Alvinia T. Plout of
the United States Army, amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Well, it looks like we're
getting back to civilization.

I think I can see
the orange roof

of a Howard Johnson's
restaurant down there.

- Bacon!
- Bacon!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪