05x24 - Antonio, the Amazing

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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05x24 - Antonio, the Amazing

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

I can't believe it. I
just can't believe it.

We had to buy another wedding
present for Bunny Bladovich.

Bunny Berger, Bunny Berger.

She unloaded
Bladovich six months ago.

How does that girl get
so many men? I ask you.

I know how.

I heard her give
confession once.

You eavesdropped at confession?

No.

She talks loud.

Everyone in the line
goes, "Shh, it's Bunny."

Well, at least I got
the centerpiece.

Yeah, but whose idea
was it to sneak it out

under their sweater?

Yeah, but I told everybody
you were pregnant.

Oh, well, we'll
split it fifty-fifty.

I'll water it today,
and you'll water it to...

- Shh!
- What?

Look, look.

Look what's lying on our couch.

Shirl, who is that?

I don't know, it may be a thief.

Go on, go get him.

Then he's sleeping
on the job, ain't he?

And keep him that way.

Go over there and conk him.

Conk him. Go on.

Hey, why am I the conker?

Because I'm gonna
call the cops, that's why.

And besides, you're a
better swinger than me.

Yes, the man is lying
on our couch right now

and we were wondering
if you could come over...

What is it? What?!
Just a moment.

Hmm.

Never mind.

Isn't he something, huh?

Boy, he's so long.

Look at him.

Look at him lying there.

I mean, Laverne, he's...
he's just like Sleeping Beauty.

Yeah.

I'm gonna be Princess Charming.

- I saw him first.
- Hey, what do you say?

- What's happening?
- Shh! Shh!

Huh? What's the matter?

Shh, look what we
found lying on our couch.

Remember when you asked me

what I wanted for
my birthday, Pop?

Laverne, that's your cousin.

What?

Your cousin.

My cousin?!

Boy, life stinks.

Well, he's not my cousin.

Shirley... Shirley,
you've got Carmine.

Yes.

Yes, I have Carmine,

and thank you for
reminding me of that, Edna!

Listen, I let him in, I
hope you don't mind.

- No.
- Naw, we don't mind.

Antonio, come on, get up,
get up, Antonio, come on.

Hey, Uncle Frank and Edna.

Ah, did you have a good sleep?

Yes, thank you, thank you.

Uh, Laverne, I want you to
meet your cousin Antonio.

He came all the way from Italy.

- Laverne.
- Antonio.

Oh, nice to meet you.

- My cousin.
- Yeah.

And that's Laverne's
roommate, Shirley.

Shirley, I heard
so much about you.

Oh, yes!

Oh, nice to meet you.

So, what... Shirl,
you got Carmine.

Carmine who? Carmine wh...?

I have Carmine. I have Carmine.

Boy, I bet you're
hungry, huh, Antonio?

- Are you hungry?
- Let's go in the kitchen,

and we'll make you
something to eat.

- Go sit yourself down, go on.
- Make him your surprise dish.

- Oh, my little surprise...
- Yeah, sit yourself down.

You know, when I picked up

Antonio at the bus station,

he thought I was
Frank's daughter.

You got here a little
early, didn't you, Antonio?

We didn't expect
you for another month.

I couldn't wait to come to
America and make my fortune.

- He's gonna make a fortune.
- Yeah.

This is the land of opportunity.

Yeah?

Hey, Uncle Frank,
he proved that.

He did?

Sure.

In my village, they
honor Uncle Frank.

Here is a man who started
with nothing, and worked hard

until he became the
President of Milwaukee!

The President of Milwaukee?

Uh, my mother likes
to spice up the letters.

She likes to
exaggerate a little bit.

What's the big deal?

You mean, you're
not the president?

Uh, he had to quit.

Uh, it was taking too much
time away from the Pizza Bowl.

The Pizza Bowl.

The largest bowling
alley in all the free world.

Uh, we got, uh, 12 lanes,

uh, the eighth
wonder of the world.

- Wow, that's great.
- Yeah.

Laverne, we're out of pound
cake. What am I going to...

Well, make coffee,
I put the cups out.

- All right, I'll make...
- The first thing tomorrow,

I'm going out to look for a job.

- What job? You come work for me.
- Oh.

Yeah. EDNA: Yeah, sure.

No, no, Uncle Frank.

I want to make it
on my own, like you.

Do you know, I have
a profession, too.

And I will work
hard until I become

the best goatherder
in all Milwaukee.

496...

497... 498... 499... 200.

Whew, oh, ah.

I feel great.

Yeah.

Whoo!

Boy, that exercising jazz,

it's got to be good for
the ol' heart, you know.

Whoo!

Say, Lenny, what do you
say we take the kid outside

and watch him run
around the block

for about seven miles?

Are you kidding? I'm bushed.

Hey, uh, tell me
something, uh, Anzio.

No, it's Antonio, Squeegee.

Squeegee.

- He calls me Squeegee, you know?
- He's so cute.

- Yeah, right off the boat.
- Shh.

Uh, listen, uh, you have any
luck, uh, finding a job so far?

No, not yet.

Boy, I really envy
you, you know that?

Two weeks, no work.

No, no, I, uh, I-I want to work.

I want to be a good American.

Uh, listen,

don't get on with this good
American stuff, you know?

I mean, uh, the
immigrant racket is terrific.

I say milk it for
everything it's worth.

Hey, we better get
going. Come on.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hey, where are you going?
- Aha.

Ah, we're going to
Ernie's Barber Shop.

Yeah, it's just about that time
where he throws out his hair.

Mmm. I tell you,

on a windy day, that
is one sight to behold.

You guys is... crazy.

Don't hit him, Len.

Okay.

- Listen, Anchovio, uh...
- No, it-it's...

Don't worry about your name,
it don't mean nothing to me.

Listen, what do you
say that tonight...

him, you, and me hit
the bars, you know.

- Just like we did last night?
- Yeah.

Did you notice the way
them women clustered

around you when
they saw you with me?

Yeah.

Boy, I draw dames...
like a maggot.

You know, I-I
really like you guys.

You guys are...

You-you make me laugh.

Yeah, well, uh, you
make-a me hurt, you know?

Hey, hey.

Maybe one day, you
guys, you come to Italy,

and I will show you
around Florence.

Well, listen, maybe one
day you come to Peewaukee,

and we'll show
you around Phyllis.

Hey, what-what do you
bite your hand like that for?

Never thought about it before.

It's sort of an expression
of joy, you know.

It's an American
custom, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you know, you see
something nice on the street...

Go on, give it a try.

You can do it, come
on. Be one of the crowd.

Very good.

A little more backbone
into it. More elbow...

I should have known
you guys were in here.

From outside, it sounded like

somebody was choking
on chicken bones.

Hey, Carmine.

The Big Ragoo.

Fool me.

Oh, boys, uh, uh, you better
get down to Ernie's Barber Shop,

and you better hurry, too,

if you want to get
it hot off the head.

Yeah. We always have trouble
finding parking on sale day.

Hey, good-bye, Lenny,
good-bye, Squeegee.

Squeegee. He's so cute.

It's like having a
pony or something.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh...

Boy, they make-a me laugh.

You see... Don't do that.

Listen, Antonio, I got
to tell you something.

Uh, Lenny and Squiggy

are not exactly, uh,
your typical Americans,

so, uh, if they give you
any tips or suggestions,

it might be a wise
idea to write them down

on a piece of paper and
then throw them away.

Oh, they make me laugh.

Yeah, they're real funny.

Hey, you like goat's milk?

Only with my goat cookies.

Oh, listen, uh, I got your note.

You didn't have to leave me
an I.O.U. for the rent money.

I know you're good for it.

And as a matter of fact,
you can stay with me

as long as you want, hey, buddy?

- You're a good friend, Carmine.
- Yeah.

But Antonio DeFazio
does not take charity.

I will pay you back double.

As my father used to say,

"You borrow one goat,
you pay back two."

Yeah, my, uh, father used to
have a saying about goats, too.

He used to say, "Hey, Marie,
get my dinner, you old goat."

I never heard that one.

Hey, listen, I got a little
something for you here.

- Come on, try it on.
- Oh.

You did this for me?

Uh, you're my buddy.

There's an old saying,

"It's better to
give than receive."

Oh, Carmine, this is wonderful.

- Aw, don't mention it.
- Thank you.

- Just hope it fits you.
- Thank you, yes.

Hope it's the right
size... Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, this is nice.
- That looks great.

Thank you.

- That is perfect.
- Yeah.

Perfect there, yeah.

That's wonderful, yeah.

Looks great on you.

Wear it a lot, okay?
All around town.

Look for crowds.

Yeah, sure.

Antonio, Antonio, I think
we found a job for you!

That's right, selling ladies'
shoes down at Meckler's.

Oh, this is too much.

A new shirt, a new job.

What more can I say?

But wait...

I am so thirsty.

Pop, can we have
two beers, please?

Coming up.

Hey, Shirl, I'm gonna go
to confession tomorrow.

Why, whatever did you
do this time, pray tell?

- Hmm?
- Nothing, nothing.

Bunny Berger's coming
back from her honeymoon.

I want to find out how
everything came out.

Why, that's disgusting!

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself!

You take a notepad and a pencil,

and you write down
every word. Every word.

Antonio, hi.

- Oh, come on, Antonio, - Hey.

Sit down, tell us
how everything went.

Did you get the job?

No.

- Huh?
- Worse than that.

Mr. Meckler told me never to
come back into his store again.

What? What happened?

I was waiting to talk to
the boss, when this lady,

she follows me
into the stockroom.

- Yeah?
- And takes off her shoes.

Yeah?

Hey, I think that is test to see

- if I can sell her new ones.
- Yeah?

Then she takes
off all her clothes.

No... And she
gives me this look.

I've seen this look many times

on the face of a lonely
goat, looking for a mate.

That no-good tramp.

Look, well, why don't you
just tell Mr. Meckler that, uh,

the lady tempted you with
one of them lonely goat looks.

I did.

But it was Mrs. Meckler's
word against mine.

I don't know.

I don't know, I tried
out for 12 jobs already,

and 12 jobs I get turned down.

They all say, "Hey, Antonio,
you don't have enough school,"

"Antonio, you don't
have enough English,"

"Antonio, get out."

Maybe I make a mistake
to come to America.

- Oh, don't talk like that.
- No, don't say that.

All I'm good with is the goats.

- Now stop that.
- Oh, stop it.

Come on, you want some beer?

No.

Ooh... What's the matter, Pop?

Aw, too much work
for an old ex-president.

Antonio,

could you help out and
clear up the table for me?

Sure, Uncle Frank.

Laverne, look at that.

What, he's clearing the table.

I know, but look how
good he's doing it.

Look, look, look, look.

Oh, yeah, now
that you mention it.

He's doing a real
good job, ain't he, Shirl?

Yes, why, that table is almost
clean enough to eat off of.

It looks like a
brand-new table to me.

Yes, it does.

Look, Antonio.

Could you do me a favor

and come work for me?

Huh? How about it?

You already have
someone to clean tables.

Yeah, but you do it so good.

Besides, you need a job.

Now even my own family,
they don't think I can find a job.

Aw, no, that's not true.

Maybe you're right.

Wait a minute, Antonio,
where are you going?

Back to Italy.

Antonio.

Hey, girls, come on
down. He's in here.

- Hello, Big Ragoo.
- Antonio, where have you been?

Me and the girls have been
looking all over town for you.

I was at the zoo.

I was saying good-bye
to all my animal friends.

Hey, come on, old buddy,
don't be so hard on yourself.

You've got to give it
a little bit more time.

Antonio, I know you can make it.

You're a good friend, Carmine,
but I've made up my mind.

I'm going home.

Antonio, there you are.

We've been looking
all over for you.

Girls, girls, girls, girls,
listen, listen, listen, listen.

Listen, he's feeling real down.

I can't seem to
get through to him,


so, uh, you girls better
have a talk with him,

or he's going to go
back to the goats.

- No...
- Yeah.

Okay, you talk to him,
I'll wait in the bedroom.

No, Shirl, Shirl,
I need your help.

What for?

If there was ever a time, Shirl,
for a Shirley Feeney pick-me-up,

never-let-that-balloon-land,

move-that-rubber-tree-plant
speech, it's now.

Say no more.

Antonio,

you came here to America
with a dream to succeed.

Well, if you go back to Italy
now, you're k*lling that dream.

And dreams should never die.

Because, you see,

dreams fill the soul's pantry.

Boy, is that good.

Keep that pantry filled, and
the soul will never hunger.

That's so true.

But if you run out of dreams,

the soul will wither
and fade away.

It's beautiful, just beautiful.

But-but maybe I
have the wrong dream.

You don't have the wrong dream.

You've just had a
few setbacks, that's all.

All of us have setbacks.

Why, even I've had my setbacks.

She sure has.

I sure have.

According to my life's
schedule, Antonio,

I should be married to a
doctor by now, have three kids

and live in a two-story
Colonial with a dog named Dave.

But where am I?

What do I have?

Why, I'm just a bottlecapper.

A lonely bottlecapper.

Day after day, capping
stupid bottle after bottle.

You, you're lucky, you
can go back to Italy.

- Where can I go?
- Shirl... Shirl...

I was born here.

I got nowhere to
run, nowhere to hide.

- What doctor's gonna want me?
- Shirl, come on.

I come home reeking of beer, cap
marks on the palms of my hands.

Shirl...

And what am I gonna
be years from now?

Old Lady Feeney,
oldest living bottlecapper!

Houseless! Childless! Dogless!

Shirl!

What's the matter
with you? Put a lid on it.

- I want to go lie down now.
- Well, go on.

You were supposed
to talk to him.

Antonio?

Don't ever give up that dream.

Because... Well,
you'll think of a reason.

- I'm going to go lie down.
- Get out of here.

Go lock yourself in the bedroom.

I'm sorry, she's
usually much cheerier.

I mean, she finds
all the silver linings,

sings "High Hopes" and...

♪ Just what makes
that little old ant ♪

♪ Think he can
move a rubber tree... ♪

I'm no good at it, I'm sorry.

Oh, you girls didn't fail.

I did.

Stop that.

Just stick to it,
you'll find a job.

Come on, we'll make
a list of places, okay?

No, no, Laverne,
I've made up my mind.

I'm going upstairs to pack.

Wait, Antonio, don't go.

Please, I don't want you to go.

I know this may sound selfish,
but, well, I need you here.

See, having you around
was like having a big brother,

and, well, I never
had a brother,

and, well, would you stay
and be my big brother?

I mean, that's a big job.

I will be your big brother.

And I will tell
everyone in my village

about my-my wonderful,
beautiful sister in America.

Good-bye, Laverne.

I know you're probably
very mad at me,

but I have an explanation
for this whole thing.

You see, yesterday when
I was punching out of work,

Violet Bladderman was
there, and, well, Laverne,

you know Violet is the world's
oldest living bottlecapper.

Violet looked at
me and she said,

"Shirl, you remind
me of myself."

And then one of
her teeth fell out.

And, well, I've just been
so depressed ever since.

Shirl, it's a phony tooth.

What?

She spits it out all
the time for a joke.

- You're kidding.
- No.

I once saw her
k*ll a fly with it.

Oh... Oh.

Gee, I'm so sorry
about Antonio leaving.

Yeah, I'm really gonna miss him.

Things are gonna be pretty
dull around here without him.

Can I have one of those?

Yeah, there's
not that many left.

Laverne, share.

Share with me,
you don't have to...

Shirl, you know these things
go straight to your thighs.

Well, give me one please.

What is that
thing? What is that?

It's a bear! What
does it look like?!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, what
are we gonna do?

- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.

I think if we just stand
still, he'll fly away.

No, that's a
bumblebee, you idiot!

- Good bear.
- Good bear, be nice.

Here's a little pie.

Here's a little pie.
Here's a little pie.

Don't eat the couch.

Wait, don't eat ours
couch! We're very poor!

We're very poor!

- There you go. There you go.
- That's it.

- Come...
- Okay, yeah.

Come on, little bear.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll go into the
bedroom, very slowly,

and then we'll lock
the door behind us,

and we'll lock him
in there, all right.

Oh, look at that tongue.

All right, give me the...

All right, very slowly,
Laverne, very...

- You got to...
- Move faster.

Move faster.

Shut the door! Shut the door!

Shut the door!

- Oh, my God. Oh.
- Shut the door!

Shirl!

Shirl!

When he gets rid of us,

we're gonna be nothing
but two piles of dead meat.

Hello.

Good-bye.

Give him another Scooter Pie.

Just give him
another Scooter Pie.

No, there's no more left!

What are we gonna do?
Oh, what are we gonna do?

Well, uh, maybe you can
give him your little pep talk,

and he'll get depressed
and leave the country.

You're gonna die with
a glib look on your face.

- Ooh, ooh.
- Go get him something to eat!

- Get him something to eat!
- Well, what should...

- What should I get him?
- I don't know, Frosted Flakes!

That's for tigers!

Okay.

Aw, please, please, Mr. Bear.

Please don't eat us.

We'll go shopping,
anything you want.

We'll make a list.

Yes, here you go, here you go.

Excuse me, g...

Go get help, run and get help!

Get a cab!

What am I saying?

Giuseppe, ricevere
via da signore.

- Giuseppe, Giuseppe.
- Oh, that must be Italian

- for "Don't k*ll the virgins."
- Uh-oh!

Hey, hey.

Come here. Hey, come here.

Giuseppe, what are
you doing, paisan?

Look, girls.

He's my friend. Yeah.

- Giuseppe?
- Yeah.

- You know this bear?
- You know this bear?

He's my friend.

He must have escaped from
the zoo and followed me home.

Oh... Hey, what's
wrong with you?

They gonna worry about you. Huh?

Next time you
think of others, hey?

Hey, hey, hey.

See? He's very friendly.

- Yeah.
- Boy, he listens to you.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's because I say
things that he wants to hear.

I can't believe this,
I can't believe it.

We were so stupid.

Have you tried for a
job down at the zoo?

Yes...

I mean, you-you're
great with wild animals.

Yes.

I wasn't so great
with Mrs. Meckler.

- Oh.
- Forget that...

Forget her; forget
all about her.

You think they'd give
me a job at the zoo?

I'll bet they would.
I'll bet they would.

Why don't you march right
down there and ask them for one?

- Yeah, maybe I will.
- Yes.

Antonio, wait, wait.

Since you're going that way,

why don't you take
the bear with you?

Yeah, they'll probably
give you a job more easy

with a grizzly on
your back there.

There you go,
come on little bear.

- Come on.
- Yeah, they won't

turn you down for a job
with a grizzly backing you up.

I'm going to get this job.

And when I do, Antonio
DeFazio is in America to stay.

Arriverderci!

Well, I guess I finally
got a big brother, huh?

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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