05x25 - The Diner

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

- I can't believe this.
- I can't believe it.

I just can't believe
it. I can't believe it!

- I can't believe it!
- Look at this, I can't believe it!

They charged me five
dollars for smock cleaning.

Yeah? Well, they
rooked me out of $7.50.

They said my "L"
had to be martinized.

- Oh, oh...
- Boy, I can't believe this.

I don't believe it. I can't
believe this at all! I mean...

You know, there is a
simple explanation for all this.

Yeah, what's that?

They're sucking us dry, Laverne.

Aha, tell me about
it, would you?

Well, would you look at this?

Abba Zabbas are
up to a dime now.

They're even putting
less Zabbas in them.

This dumb machine,
you stupid place.

- What was that?
- Nothing.

I'm telling you, Laverne,
if I ran this place,

I would give the employees a
raise and not the candy machine.

I mean, we should
be our own bosses.

There would be no stopping us.

I mean, with my
brains, and your, your...

Cleavage?

All right.

- Yeah, well, let's face it, Shirl...
- Look at this.

We are never going
to be our own bosses.

We are just a couple
of rats on the treadmill.

Hello.

There, there,
there, you poor slob.

Sit down, would you?

- Oh, oh!
- What is it, Len?

- Come on, there's a fella.
- What happened, Len?

- Squiggy? Squiggy?
- What happened?

- What happened to him?
- What happened, Squig?

What happened? Family problems.

- Len...
- Lenny, Lenny?

What's the matter?

It's my Uncle Lazlo.

He's dead. He's gone.

He's decreased.

Okay, come on, Len,
come here, come here, Len.

Oh, there goes another
$7.50 for the martinizing.

Okay, come on.

He must have been
your favorite uncle, huh?

Well, you know, I-I
never actually got around

to meeting the
old geezer, but...

now that he's among the
croaked, I just miss him so bad.

Go on, Len.

Go on, let it all out.

Where tears flow, hope can grow.

♪ Or would you
rather be a mule? ♪

How can you say that?!

Oh, Len, you feel
a little better now?

Yeah, I guess so.

Look, Laverne, will
you do me a favor?

- You mean...
- No, no, no, no, look.

I want you to read this telegram

that my Uncle Lazlo
sent me after he d*ed.

Telegrams are
always such bad news.

I'm afraid he might
be sick or something.

Len, he's already dead.

Oh, I knew it!

Come on, come on,
pull yourself together.

This is from your
uncle's lawyer.

Lenny, you inherited your
Uncle Lazlo's restaurant!

Lenny, what are we going
to do with a restaurant?

I'm not sure what we
did with this one. Oh!

What do you mean "we"?
What do you mean "we"?

- What do I mean "we"?
- The restaurant belongs to Lenny.

Yeah? Well, I have
here a signed affidavit,

- signed by one Leonard Kosnowski...
- Uh-huh.

Which states legally
that if any of his

loved ones should croak,
drop dead or just plain die,

- I get half the booty.
- Yeah.

You can read it. It's notarized.

- Look at that.
- Oh! Oh!

You! You!

You are an evil man.

Maybe so, maybe so.

But I'm an evil man
with a restaurant.

Lenny, don't ever sign
anything that he tells you to sign.

- Ah, look, look, look...
- You know better than that!

This little guy is
my best friend.

Whatever I got, he's got.

- I made sure of that.
- Yeah.

Now, look, well, the way I
see it, we sell the restaurant

- and buy us a woman.
- Hmm...

Don't be stupid.
Don't be stupid!

Laverne and I were just
talking about this very thing.

You've had the
opportunity of a lifetime

plunked into your laps.

Why, we'd k*ll for an
opportunity like this.

- We would.
- You k*lled Uncle Lazlo!

Murderers!

Don't be stupid.

- Don't be stupid.
- Wild guess.

Don't you see? Now's a
chance for you to crawl

out of this snake pit,
be your own bosses,

go to work and reap the
fruits of your own labor.

Stop it!

Mark my words.

The postman always rings twice,

but opportunity
only knocks once.

- Wait a minute. The policeman...
- The...

- The postman...
- Knocks, knocks... -Knocks...

- You said, "policeman."
- Which one had...

- The mailman?
- No, no, no, wait a second, wait a second.

Let me try to put it in
words you might understand.

Good luck.

With the money you make,

you could buy yourselves
a hundred women.

Lenny, we are in the
restaurant business.

Hey, where's this joint located?

It says right here...
Western Union.

- Oh, I know where that is.
- Yeah.

I can't believe it.

- I can't believe that.
- I can't believe this!

All right.

Well, I, for one, hope
that Lenny and Squiggy

don't fritter away
this opportunity.

I'm going to keep a
close eye on those boys.

Yeah? Well, I'm going to keep
a close eye on my Aunt Sophia,

who's 88, has a cough
and owns a tuna boat.

Ooh!

Okay, okay.

Close your eyes, close
your eyes, close your eyes.

Get ready for the big surprise.

- I don't want to.
- Ready for the big surprise?

- Ready?
- Yeah.

- One, two, three.
- One, two, three.

Surprise!

Do I have a rash?

Surprised, weren't you?

What'd you do that for?

That is just a sample

of how we plan to greet
all our female customers.

- Yeah.
- Oh, good.

Everybody knows women
are hungrier after sex.

What do you think of the place?

- Well, it's...
- I can sense your excitement.

Yes, sirree, but
keep your shirt on.

Yeah, we got something really
great to show you, don't move.

Boy, I hope it's
not his Uncle Lazlo.

No, I don't think so.

You know, I don't know, Laverne.

You know, this
place has potential.

You really, uh, think so?

Really?

One more surprise,
one more surprise.

- You're gonna love it.
- You're gonna love this one.

Do not close your eyes.

Don't close your eyes,
you have to open them.

Okay, girls, here's
our big change.

No longer is this to be
known as Lazlo's Place.

From now on, it
shall be known as...

Dead Lazlo's Place.

Well, that's...

- What do you think?
- It's good.

- You like it?
- Like it, huh?

Why would you do that?

Why would we do...?

You know nothing
about marketing.

- Women, women...
- Don't you understand

that this way, we manage
to keep the old customers,

while procuring a whole
new breed of clienteles.

Mmm-hmm.

Now, I want you to take a
look at our crayon-crafted menu.

Here you go.

"Try our mouth-watering
Dead Lazlo burger."

- Yeah.
- Mmm!

- House specialty.
- Mm-hmm.

- 60% meat.
- That's right.

40% high adventure.

- I'll bet.
- Boy!

- It sounds mighty tasty.
- I'll just bet.

Oh, we got tons of
plans for this place.

Once we get all these
stupid tables and chairs out,

we'll have plenty of
room for the dog races.

- That's right.
- Come on, let's see... Come on.

Wait just a moment!

- Dog races?
- Yeah.

You plan to race man's
best friend for fun and profit?

That's disgusting!

Maybe so, maybe so.

But if the dogs are
willing, what's the harm?

You find joy in seeing a
beagle outleg a schnauzer?

Hurry up, Len... hurry up.

♪♪

Hey, boys, congratulations.

- I heard about the restaurant.
- What'd you hear, Edna?

Oh, Dead Lazlo's is
the talk of the town.

Oh... Is it true that you have

your customers bring their own
food and cook it themselves?

Sure, as long as
it's on the menu.

Well, that's a new gimmick.

Why don't you just
have them eat at home

and send you the money?

- Hmm.
- Hey!

- Now, that's the voice of experience.
- Right.

Say, Ed, we could use a
girl like you at our dinery.

What do you say
you leave this dive

and come and work for us?

Well, I can never leave Frank,

but I'm very flattered
you asked me.

Too bad. We needed someone

for the dogs to chase
around the track.

- Hello, ladies.
- Hi!

- Hi, boys.
- Hi.

You're looking at a couple
of overnight successes here.

Yeah, yeah, they call
us restaurantpeneurs.

That's right.

- Really?
- You mean your place is doing good?

Good?

Good!

Good.

- We're broke.
- We're dying.

We ain't got no customers.
Even the dogs go out to eat.

Oh, really, we don't
know which way to turn.

- Yeah.
- Turn that way.

- Hmm?
- Oh, okay.

Not you.

This is what I
was talking about.

Oh, boys?

- Hmm?
- Mm-hmm?

- Boys?
- What? -Hmm?

- You can turn back now.
- Oh!

- Oh.
- Hey, I do feel better.

Boys, Laverne and I

might just be interested
in taking over Dead Lazlo's.

- Sold!
- Sold!

We don't have any
money, but we, uh, figured

maybe we could
work it off in trade.

Now, stop it... Stop it!

Now, what would
you think of this?

Laverne and I take over
the place and do all the work.

Love it.

In exchange for that, we
get to keep 50% of the profits.

50/50? 50/50...

Yes, and then eventually
could maybe buy them out...

Stop sign, stop sign, red
light, red light, wait a minute.

Either we get half,
or there ain't no deal.

- You're gonna scare them away, you know.
- I'm tough.

You're gonna...

Boy, you guys really
drive a hard bargain.

- Well, we're teamsters.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, uh, but since we
are friends and all, uh,

okay, let's shake on it.

Okay.

Do it their way,
do it their way.

Three, two, one, we're open!

- Partner.
- Partner.

Welcome!

Oh, sweetie! Oh...

Uh, yeah, the races
were cancelled, honey.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Sorry about it.

Well, he was sweet,

but that was depressing.

- Let's reopen.
- All right.

- Let me try it this time.
- All right.

Welcome!

Thank you.

- The DeFazio touch.
- I guess so.

Good morning.

I'm Miss Feeney,
and I'll be serving you.

And I'm Miss Laverne,
and I'll be trying

to cook something
that won't k*ll you.

I'll just have coffee, thanks.

One... cup... of... coffee?

One cup of coffee,
coming right up.

I got it.

This is a proud moment.

May I just see you
for one second here?

- What?
- Could I have this, please?

- Well, I cooked the coffee.
- Well, I'm the person who's

- supposed to serve.
- Yeah, but I cooked the coffee.

That's right, you cook
the coffee and I serve it.

I went over there, I
poured it, and then I

- walked it over here.
- I didn't dress in this for nothing.

You know, the gentleman
ordered from me and not from you.

Warm-up, sir?

No.

Well, I'll be right here,
in case you need me.

Get away from him.
You're hovering...

- I'm not.
- You're hovering.

Get away from him.

Come on.

- Sit down.
- All right.

- He'll call you if he needs anything.
- All right.

Pretty good, huh?

♪ Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi
mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi! ♪

Your attention, please.

Hey, you.

In honor of our grand opening,
uh, we would like to present,

fresh from his smash
engagement at the Pizza Bowl,

live at Dead Lazlo's,
Carmine Ragusa!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Laverne, there's
only one guy here.

- Just sing.
- Come on, come on.

Do your morning
show, you look beautiful.

- Thank you.
- You do.

Okay, everybody,
showtime, showtime!

Listen, uh, what do you
say we all be friends, huh?

You, sir, where are you from?

Across the street.

Hey, you here on vacation?

Across the street, yeah!

Listen, uh, I'd
like to introdu...

I'd like to introduce you
all to my band right now.

Get up and take a bow, boys.

♪ There's no business
like show business ♪

♪ Like no business I know ♪

♪ Everything about
it is appealing ♪

♪ Everything that
traffic will allow ♪

♪ Nowhere could you
get that happy feeling ♪

♪ When you are
stealing that extra bow ♪

♪ There's no people
like show people ♪

♪ They smile when they are low ♪

♪ Even with a turkey
that they know will fold ♪

♪ You may be stranded out ♪

- ♪ In the... ♪
- He's gone.

Oh.

I tell you something.

I've worked some small
rooms, but this... sheesh!

Carmine, there
are no small rooms.

There are just small singers.

What was that supposed to mean?

- Figure it out, Carmine.
- Well, figure this out, then.

I come down here to help ya
out. I don't even charge or nothing.

- Don't fight!
- I take time off from the dance studio.

You shouldn't have said that,
and you shouldn't have said...

Not good for my career
to be seen in a joint like...

Hey, stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Let's not squabble, shall we?

We've only been
open five minutes.

I mean, things are
bound to pick up.

- Sorry. -Sorry.
- Good, good.

I'll tell you what, uh,
why don't I go, uh,

hand out some more flyers?

Oh, good, good,
yes, you do that.

- Catch him, catch him.
- What'd you do now?

He-He did nothing,
he did nothing.

Sorry.

I just want you to remember
to sing my catchy little jingle,

the one that I wrote
for the restaurant.

- Oh, yeah, we should go over that.
- Yeah.

Yes, we should.

If you feel like a real
great meal, well...

♪ Our coffee, tea or Sanka ♪

♪ Will make your
tummy thank ya ♪

♪ Great burgers,
fries and weenies ♪

♪ At DeFazio's and Feeney's ♪

♪ Dead Lazlo's Place. ♪

Betty, please.

Betty, please... pick-up.

Betty, please, pick
up your weenies.

Who are you talking to?

Why are you calling me that?

'Cause I like to call you that.

I don't know, it
sounds so dinery.

It's much better
than "Shirl, pick up."

- Listen...
- Laverne?

Betty, please... pick up.

Quit your horsing around.

I got three more orders here.

You better get cracking on them.

Yeah, where are
they? Give them to me.

Eggs, everybody
loves eggs, everybody.

Betty, please.

Spaghetti's ready.

- Laverne!
- What?

Laverne, where are
my hash browns?

That woman threatened my life.

They're coming, they're coming.

And where are my eggs?

I'm working on
them, Shirl, okay?

All right. I got one tuna melt
and one chicken tetrazzini.

Chicken tetrazzini?!

Chicken tetrazzini?
What are they, crazy?

Chicken tetrazzini! Chicken...

Come on, come on.

Oh! Ah, ah... Ah, ah!

Oh, that's too hard.

That's just too hard.

Pancakes.

Pancakes. I can make pancakes.

Hey, twerp. Where's
my hash browns?

Where are those hash browns?

Uh... they're coming,
they're coming.

Betty, please.

Pick up your hash... blacks.

I got four Dead Lazlos
in a coffin, cremate 'em.

Say again, Betty.

Four dead Lazlos, four
dead Lazlo burgers, well-done.

All right, uh...

Attention, attention.

Lucky, lucky.

For the next ten minutes,
everything comes with pancakes.

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh!

Ow! Oh! How dare you... Ah! Ooh!

All right, all right, come
on, come on, all of you...

I'm so hot, Shirl!

Laverne, Laverne, I'm telling
you, it's a jungle out there.

We ought to take a cage and
just put it around this place.

These people are ugly.

They're saying
ugly things to me,

like, "Where's my fork?
Where's my spoon?

Where's my hash browns?
Take off your blouse."

They don't even have
the common decency

to call me by my right name.

- Hey, Betty!
- Hey!

- Betty! -Betty!
- Yo, Betty!

For once and for all...

- Betty! -Betty!
- My name is not Betty.

Betty, pick up, please.

Get back in there, Shirl.

Get back in there, we
gotta please the customers...

No, I don't want to serve that.

- It's bad enough out there.
- Okay, put it on here.

- Put it on here.
- Under there? Oh, I don't think...

- You got it? You got that?
- M-maybe.

Wait, right... I
think you got it...

- Wait, no, no, no.
- Spaghetti in the basket.

Okay, here's that
spaghetti in the basket.

Wait! Wait, wait. One
more thing. One more thing.

Go out and get
those tips, Shirl!

Go out and get 'em, now.

Betty... Betty... Betty...

Betty... Betty...

Betty... Betty...
Betty... Betty...

Betty... Betty... Betty...

- Attention, folks.
- Betty... Betty... Betty...

Please don't
harass Betty, please.

Sir, your food is
in my mouth, sir.

- There you go.
- I didn't order this.

- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.

- Yes, yes, you did.
- No, no, no, it's... take it back.

- No...
- Take it back.

- No, no, no, no, no...
- Yes, yes, yes.

You ordered that.
I'm telling you.

Get out of here,
I'm not eating it.

- You ordered that.
- There's no way I'm eating it.

- That is yours. I'm... Sir. Sir. Sir?
- Take it back!

All right, I... I'll take
it back to the kitchen.

I'll be right back, excuse me.

Betty, please, pick up.

Hey!

How was your first
day in business?

- Aw...
- You don't want to know.

What happened? What happened?

Oh, Pop, it was awful.

I was a terrible cook.

I burnt all the burgers.

I dropped the
spaghetti on the floor,

I even stepped on
some poor guy's meatball.

I got $14 in tips,

and the opportunity to bear
the child of a man named Bruno.

Welcome to the
restaurant business.

Well, I don't think we like
the restaurant business.

In fact, we hate it.

We're real lousy at it.

I think we blew our big chance.

Really? You blew
your big chance?

- Yeah, look at this.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, let me tell you something,

when I was your age, I
wanted to be a Brooklyn Dodger.

I even tried out for the team.

You never told me that.

Well, it wasn't one
of my great moments.

The manager said, "All right
kid, let's see what you can do."

I got so excited, I got
up, I ran out on the field,

I tripped over first base, I
fell down and broke my leg.

Laying there, I said,
"Baseball's not my best thing."

So I found something else.

And you will, too.

- Yeah, sure.
- No, I think it's

once a bottle-capper,
always a bottle-capper.

Yeah, if you want
to quit trying, that's it.

You'll always be that.

So this didn't
work out. Big deal.

One day you'll wake up,
you'll find something you like,

and you'll be good
at it. The both of you.

You could be anything
you want to be.

You hear me?
Anything you want to be!

You know, he's right?

What are we sitting
around here moping for?

- Huh?
- That's right.

There'll be
something else for us

in life's Yellow Pages, Laverne.

I know what I want to do.

Yes, well, whatever it is,

it won't involve
unbuttoning our blouses.

There goes my idea.

No, Mr. DeFazio, we're
not selling Dead Lazlo's

for that price.

Stop it!

Now, Frank and Edna have
already signed the agreement,

and I think the
terms are very fair.

They have agreed to
pay you out of their profits,

$50 a month for 20 months.

Now do you know
what that comes to?

July?

No, no, $1,000.

- I was close.
- Well, wait a minute,

wait a minute, I
ain't fully satisfied.

But then again, I never am.

Edna already agreed

that you didn't have
to pay your back rent.

Well, that's one for their side.

We wasn't gonna pay that anyway.

And don't forget, don't forget,

you guys promise not to get
within 100 yards of the diner

when people are eating.

Okay, okay, then we want the
part back where Mr. DeFazio

shaves off his moustache
and gives it to us

- to wear to parties.
- Yeah.

Okay, you got it,
but I got to sew it on.

Stop it!

Now, boys, this is the
best deal you're gonna get.

I'd take it.

Well...

Are you gonna still call
it Dead Lazlo's Place?

No!

Good, I need the sign.

Lazlo ain't got no tombstone.

Okay, then it's a deal?

- It's a deal.
- It's a deal.

Okay, then, uh... shake on it.

That's the way they
do business, go ahead.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪