06x07 - The Late Philip J. Fry

[bunniefuu]

Shh! Don't wake up Fry.

Shh! My roommate's sleeping!

Wake up already!

I'm about to get down and funky
with this ladybot,

and I'd appreciate it if as many people
as possible could know about it.

Now can we get some privacy?

Oh, yeah! Back it on up.

Hambone, hambone!

Hambone

Okay, hambone break's over.
Back to the bedroom!

Hambone, hambone!

Hambone

Wake up and feel the coffee!

No, I'm late for work again!

Sorry I'm late.

Well, well, well.
Look who decided to show up.

I've had it with your tardiness, Fry.

I expect you to arrive the same time
as everyone else.

Well, wait a second. Leela's not here yet.

She left a while ago.

She said some idiot was taking her
to lunch for her birthday.

Oh, no, I'm late!

Since you got stood up,
I thought this might cheer you up a notch.

That's not necessary.

What day is today?
It's Leela 's birthday

Please stop.

What a day for a birthday

I really would like you to stop singing.

... cake!

You want to buy a slice of birthday cake
for $11.95?

Yes, please.

Ooh, nice cake. Sorry, I'm late.

Where have you... It's fine.

- You're not mad?
- I was.

But then I realized it's actually my fault
for thinking you might be on time for once.

Anyhow, I ate both our lunches.
You ordered the lobster pileup.

It wasn't cheap.

Bam!

Please, let me make it up to you.

I'll treat you to a fancy birthday dinner
tonight, at Cavern on the Green.

Wow, that'll be the nicest place
I've ever been stood up.

Not this time.

No matter what happens,
I swear I'll be there.

Guys, guys!
Hedonismbot is finally gonna settle down,

and marry a nice house in the suburbs!

But tonight, he's having the girls-gone-
wildest bachelor party of all time!

Who cares?
I'm having dinner with Leela.

Just go to your stupid party.

We can have dinner on my birthday
some other year.

No! I can throw up on a stripper anytime.

Tonight, I want to not throw up on you.

Really?

Your loss.

Hey, Professor, you're my wingman!

Very well. Cubert, fetch my drinking teeth.

I just have to sign Leela's birthday card.
How do you spell X-O?

It's a record-your-own-message card.

You don't sign it,
you leave a nude video greeting.

Does it have to be nude?

I guess not. That never occurred to me.

If I leave now,
record a birthday greeting on the way,

score some fancy cologne
at the newsstand,

I'll be exactly on time.

You're not going anywhere!

But I have a date.

You were late this morning,

so you have to stay
and test my latest invention!

Behold! A time-traveling machine!

Time? I can't go back there!

But this time machine
only goes forward in time.

That way you can't
accidentally change history,

or do something disgusting,
like sleep with your own grandmother.

I wouldn't want to do that again.

We're going to test it
by going forward in time one minute.

Get in.

Okay, hurry. Let's get it over with.

I can record Leela's birthday card
while we're in there.

Happy birthday, Leela!

I'm really sorry I'm gonna be
one minute late,

'cause we're testing the professor's
dumb time machine, but...

Okay, I'll just nudge us forward
exactly one minute into the...

My card!

Did we go too far? What time is it?

The year 10,000.

Whoopsie.

Oh, dear. I mean, oh, my.

The year 10,000?

But I promised Leela
I'd be on time for dinner!

Relax, Fry.

Everyone we ever knew d*ed
thousands of years ago.

Everyone we ever knew?
I never liked those guys.

No! They did it!

They blew it up!

And then the apes blew up
their society, too!

How could this happen?

And then the birds took over
and ruined their society!

And the cows, and then,
I don't know, is that a slug, maybe?

No!

While you await your "friend,"

allow me to read
from a prepared history of our cavern.

"These unique rock formations

"were created over millions of years
by mineral-rich water,

"dripping from pores in the ceiling.

"Dripping and dripping, year upon year,

"century upon century..."

What day is today?

Hey, aren't you the loser who got
stood up at my other restaurant?

Just shut up and bring me two dinners.

Has anyone seen Fry's ass?
It's late for a date with my boot.

Fry's not here.

Obviously, he went to that pervert party
with Bender and the professor.

Fry went to the party?

We interrupt Hypnotoad On Ice

to bring you breaking coverage of the
disaster at Hedonismbot's bachelor party.

Linda, what began as innocent fun ended
in tragedy tonight

when a nuclear-powered robot stripper
suffered a catastrophic reactor meltdown.

There is only one survivor.

Everywhere I looked,
there were piles of bodies.

And then the expl*si*n struck.

The three co-workers I liked, all dead!

Fry stood me up and d*ed? I'm so angry!

I mean, I'm so sad!
But I'm still pretty angry!

But also sad. Can I be both?

It's what he'd want.

Then that's what I am!

Man, the future is a total craphole,

and whoever lives here
is a crap-faced sack of crap!

No offense, fellas.

Don't sweat it, man.

I'll never see Leela again.

No, without a backwards time machine,
we're stuck in this craphole.

Dude, give it a rest.

Hold on. I've got it!

We can't go back in time,
but we can keep going forward

until people invent
the backwards time machine.

- And then we can go home.
- Hit it.

In the year 105, 105

If man is still alive

If robot can survive

They may find

In the year 252,525

The backwards time machine
still won't have arrived

In all the world
there's only one technology

A rusty sword for practicing proctology

In a future year that ends with a 20

A shlubby merman's
gonna try to get chummy

He may look like a watery wimp

When in fact he's a bloodthirsty shrimp

In the year one million and a half

Humankind is enslaved by giraffe

Man must pay for all his misdeeds

When the treetops
are stripped of their leaves

Sometimes I can't believe how successful

Planet Express became
once the professor was k*lled

and you seized control.

There were tough times,
but we all pulled together.

I've been crunching the numbers
on our trans-galactic strategy...

What are you doing here?
I laid you off 20 years ago.

The claws can't flee like they used to.

Success is nice,
but I do kind of miss the old days.

Hey, Leels.

Hi, Cubert.

May we help you, strange ones?

We are travelers from the past,
my good runt.

I see. Since your time,
human evolution has diverged.

There are we,
advanced in intellect and morality.

And the Dumblocks, stupid, vicious brutes
who live underground.

Advanced in intellect, you say?

Have you invented
a backwards time machine?

No, but if we apply our superior minds,

we could perfect such a device
within five years.

See you then!

We're back for our time machine!

Yoo-hoo! Boys!

What's this era in human history like?

The machines. We built them to make
our lives easier, but they rebelled.

They won't stop
until every human is dead.

This seems like a nice future.
Let's just stay here.

We could settle down
on that mountain of skulls.

Hey! That place had a gorgeous view
of Blood Lake!

Greetings, time travelers.

Stupid jerks!
Wouldn't let me stay in the good future.

How did you know we're time travelers?

We, too, study the time-travel enigma.

We have perfected a method
using negative-mass neutrino fields

that allows us to travel backwards in time.

My name's Hubert.

All right! We can go home!

We can talk of our research tomorrow.

Men are very rare in our society.

Even very old and stupid males are prized.

Tonight, please be the guests of honor
at our fertility banquet.

Well, there's certainly no harm
in a fertility banquet.

I could eat. And fertilize.

Very well. Let us anoint our guests
in oil without using our hands.

So, we can stay in the future you like,
but not the future I like?

Next!

No! I was about to close the deal!

Bender, they had
a backwards time machine!

The other place had
a lot of good things, too!

Did you even see that mountain of skulls?

Why, you!

No, you didn't.

Stop! Somewhere, sometime,
Leela is waiting for me.

We need to keep looking
for a backwards time machine.

Fry's right.

Yes. We have to work together,
not have this fight,

which I was definitely winning.

The year one billion.

I've got a feeling this could be exactly
the point in time we've been looking for!

Nope.

In fact, all life is extinct.

So let's keep going forward.

It's no use. Earth is dead.

This is the end of all things.

The Cavern on the Green.

I made it, Leela.

Sorry I'm a billion years late.

You'll get your alimony check, Cubert.
Now get lost!

Chill out. I'm just here to see Amy.

Move it, boy toy.
Granny's taking you to Atlantic City.

I don't know why you ever married
that pig-nosed punk.

I don't know, either.
I'm married to the job now.

I used to think
there was someone for me, but...

How odd. It's one of those old
record-your-own-message birthday cards.

Happy birthday, Leela!

I'm really sorry
I'm gonna be one minute late,

'cause we're testing
the professor's dumb time machine...

But, you know, happy birthday and all, and,

I love you. My card!

My whole life I've been mad at him,
and it wasn't his fault.

You know, all in all, I had a good life.

What do you say the three of us grab
a six-pack and watch the universe end?

Hear! Hear!

That's basically what I do every day.

To the end of the universe!

So long, Earth.
Thanks for the air and whatnot.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

Hey, what was the purpose of life anyway?

Who knows? Probably some hogwash
about the human spirit.

Sounds about right.

The stars are receding.

The vast emptiness!

Yeah, yeah, I can take a hint.

The last proton should be decaying
about now.

Bye, last proton.

And, here we are. The end of the universe.

Well, now what? You guys want to talk?

No, thanks.

Did anyone else see that?

Unbelievable!

It's a second big bang!

My God, is it possible?

It must be possible. It's happening.
By the way, what's happening?

It appears this universe is
exactly identical to the old one.

If so, we just need to keep going forward
in time to the point when we left!

The Earth is born!

Ladies and gentlemen, the moon!

Look. The first fish to crawl up on land.

It was coming right at us! You saw it.

I'm gonna grab another beer.

Fry, Fry, you're missing the dinosaurs!

It's okay. They're not going anywhere.

Where'd they go?

Now, what's going on there?

History.

Hang on. I just want to make one stop.

Easy, easy.

Taking her in for a landing.

One year to go. Six months.

I'm almost there, Leela.

One month, two weeks, one hour,

30 seconds, and here we...

- Stop!
- Give me the keys, Magoo!

We'll have to bring her around again.

Just slow it down.
I'll sh**t h*tler out the window.

Darn! I hit Eleanor Roosevelt by mistake.

Okay, nearing our era again.

Here we go. Careful this time.

Careful.

We're going to test it
by going forward in time one minute.

Get in.

Okay. Hurry. Let's get it over with.

Uh-oh.

This new universe is about 10 feet
lower than our old one.

Pow! We took care
of the time travel paradox.

- All right!
- Hooray!

Uh-oh. I'm late for dinner with Leela.

Welcome to Cavern on the Green.

May I offer you some meat loaf
while you wait?

Sorry I'm late!

Actually, you're on time.

Really?

I have to admit,
I was afraid you wouldn't make it.

That was the old Fry. He's dead now.

Happy birthday, Leela.

I got you a card,
but I guess I kind of lost it.

That's okay. I don't really like cards.

What I'll remember is our time together.