06x24 - Cold Warriors

[bunniefuu]

♪ Two... two, three... ♪

♪ ♪

Double time, soldier.

I want this ice fishing operation up and running

by 0800 hours.

(shivers) It's too cold, Dad.

My teen region is freezing off.

(blows raspberry) You don't know what cold is.

I once survived an entire week trapped in a Swiss glacier,

eating nothing but frozen Neanderthal.

To this day I can't stand the taste of early hominid.

(groans) Let's just get inside the shack.

- Hold, maggot! - Ow!

Remember the code of the ice:

Thick and blue, tried and true;

thin and crispy, way too risky.

Shows what you know.

Crispy doesn't even rhyme with risky.

Aah!

Help, I'm drowning!

(blubbering)

Don't worry, son, you'll freeze before you drown.

(sniffs)

(exhales)

I love ice fishing.

I shouldn't be out in this cold.

I have no protective fat, hair or warm blood.

I'm not even legally a mammal.

(blows raspberry) You don't know what cold is.

I was frozen for a thousand years.

You were?

Huh, learn something dumb every day.

(indistinct chatter)

Live bait.

Get your live bait here.

(gasps)

Fresh k*lled bait.

(chokes)

(shivers) Can we get inside the shack?

I'm wearing a belly parka.

No, no crazy technology.

Here, Bender, use your immense robot strength

to drill a hole the old-fashioned way.

I don't see any irony in that.

And voilà !

Everybody's ice fishing.

How come nobody's ice fishing?

Hot cocoa break.

Cocoa is for yodeling babies.

If you're sober, it isn't ice fishing.

(gagging)

(shudders) Mom, what's my temperature?

50, 45, 40.

It's all over.

(whimpers)

(crowd cheering on television) Whoo!

Down at the 35!

I'm really sick.

Huh? Oh, sorry.

A hundred and nine.

We'll check it again at halftime.

You home from school, you traitor?

I fell through the ice. Cut me some slack.

Nobody cut me any slack when I broke my spine.

Didn't even take a day off of work.

Lot of people depend on you

when you sell trampolines door to door.

Here's your homework, you lucky knob.

And with a little more luck from my seven-leaf clover,

I might get sick enough to miss the whole semester.

Hey, give me that.

(both grunting)

No.

Give it to me, you faker.

No, you're not getting it.

(squeaking)

Ow, my underbite.

MR. FRY: Come on, Yancy,

your brother's sick.

You'll never have a better chance to take him out.

Dad.

"Nerd Search '88"?

What's this?

Some stupid science contest for smartwads.

NASA's going to pick one kid's experiment to launch into space.

(gasps) I could make a space experiment.

I just got a new thing of glitter.

I'm not sure science is your thing,

seeing how that chimp at the zoo tricked you

out of your allowance.

Yeah, well, I'll show you and Mr. Bananas.

Anyway, I've got nothing better to do

while I'm sick in bed.

Wait, that's it.

I'll make a space experiment about the common cold.

Where's that contest flyer?

You're holding it, genius.

Oh, good.

I feel awful, but it was worth it

to catch and k*ll this baby fish.

(sneezes, sighs)

Shmeez, what's with the shmiffling?

It's nothing.

(sniffs) Just a common cold.

- Wha...? - Common huh?

- What the hell's a common cold? - Is it valuable?

Could it be taken from you if you were, say, unconscious?

A common... a common cold?!

No, no...!

Ever since Fry first came to us,

I've lived in mortal terror that this would happen.

I never heard you mention that.

Oh, I try to act cool, but inside I'm freaking out.

It's just a cold.

(sneezes) What's the big deal?

(sirens wailing)

This is the police.

An unknown pathogen has been detected on these premises.

Come out with your hands...

I mean, stay in with your hands up.

You are hereby quarantined until such time

as it is deemed safe to enter and sh**t your asses.

(all gasp)

Now, now, let's not all panic at once.

We'll have to take shifts.

Hermes, you take the first six hours.

Very well. (clears throat)

(screaming) Louder, louder!

Right, baby.

Look, I just have a common...

(high-pitched): cold!

It'll be gone as fast as I can sneeze, hurl,

and squirt it out.

No, it won't.

The common cold d*ed out 500 years ago,

and subsequently, humanity lost all resistance to its ravages,

but the virus survived in you,

frozen for a thousand years.

Huh, so it was hiding deep down inside of me,

like my skeleton bones?

Give it to us straight, Professor.

How incredibly deadly is it?

We don't know.

It could k*ll millions or nobody.

I suppose it might even bring a few people back to life.

Anything is possible in science.

(sneezes)

Oh, no, I've got it, too.

(all shudder)

My nose is all gunked up with blork.

And I've got a hankering for a useless remedy

created by a schoolteacher.

(all shudder)

Uh-oh, I think I'm getting swollen glands.

(sickly croaking)

(all groaning)

Screw the quarantine, I'm out of here.

Initiate containment procedure.

(grunting)

Aah, ow, oh!

Go on now.

(sneezes)

Now I'm sick.

I shudder to think what this cold will do to me.

Yesterday I was nearly k*lled by a tight hat.

I'd be remiss if I didn't rub your goopy noses

in the fact that I'm immune.

(laughs)

Which is why we'll all be counting on you and you alone

to nurse us through this catastrophe.

(sighs)

Why, God?

Why have I been singled out?

(coughing and groaning)

Everyone just calm down and make yourself a tissue walrus.

Damn it, son, lose the tissues.

You're ruining Thanksgiving dinner.

I'm busy with my space experiment.

I can't devote precious brainpower to blowing my nose.

You're never going to win that science fair, Philip.

Face it, someone with your limited brainpower

would be lucky to get a job as a pizza delivery boy.

Hey, Barack, pizza going out, come on.

Man, I have got to go back to law school.

(blows raspberry) I'm not going to wind up a loser

like that guy.

Sure you will.

You're going to lose the science fair,

and that's who's going to b*at you--

Josh Gedgie, boy scientist.

Pi over four radians of pizza, please.

What is that, about a slice?

More like exactly a slice.

(wheezing laugh)

Game on, Gedgie.

(sneezes)

YANCY: Ew!

I've had worse.

When I was sh*t down over Korea,

I had to eat Kimchi.

He was our interpreter.

(chomps loudly)

(bell jingles)

(bell continues jingling)

(Bender snoring)

(muttering)

(gasps)

(bell continues jingling) Coming.

(jingling) (panting)

What now?

Humidifier.

(groans) Fine.

(bubbling)

(jingling) Yes?

(coughing): Where's that chicken soup we asked for?

(chicken clucking)

Chicken, water, fire.

You take it from there.

This is t*rture-- the fever, the chills,

and the sweating-- Amy's horrible sweating!

(sneezes)

That's it.

I'm leaving while I still have my dignity.

See you in the obituaries.

(sneaky laugh)

How's the containment holding up?

Without turning my head, I'd say 100%.

(door opens)

Howdy, folks, and may I say

nice work keeping those sickos penned up.

Put her there.

You, too, buddy, and you and you and you

and especially you.

(coughing)

That robot was a heck of a nice feller.

(squeaking)

You'd better stay here during biology.

Mrs. Jenkins dissects anything smaller than a fifth-grader.

(gasps, sneezes)

Well, if it isn't Grandmaster Phlegm.

I heard you're entering the NASA science competition.

Maybe I am, LL Fool J.

So what's your project... the effects of losing on idiots?

No, I'm gonna infect my guinea pig with the common cold

and launch it into space to see if it gets cured by cosmic rays.

(wheezing laugh)

Lame, though the common cold virus does seem

like a judge-pleaser.

I think I'll steal that and do an experiment

that's slightly less very stupid.

But that's my idea.

You are an evil, evil nerd.

Gedgie out.

We'll show him who's stupid.

(coughs)

(guinea pig coughs)

♪ ♪

(coughing)

Linda?

Borbo, the so-called common cold,

introduced by living fossil Philip J. Fry,

is spreading out of control.

All citizens are advised to wash their hands thoroughly

after b*ating up Philip J. Fry.

Phew! Lucky I'm safely locked up here with you guys.

There he is!

Get him!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Wait!

The situation is expected to deteriorate

as newscasters whip the city into a panic.

Run! Run for your lives!

(screaming and yelling, thudding)

(chuckling)

And finally, the heartwarming story of a handicapped magician

who didn't know when to give up.

(beeping)

I don't like the looks of this, Mr. President.

Shall I switch it off?

Negative.

Rosemary, release the surgeon general.

ROSEMARY: Get in there!

Ow! It's bright out here.

Wernstrom, the quarantine has failed.

Give me a worst case scenario.

And make it grim.

I've prepared some projections.

Should the virus escape Manhattan,

this is how far it will spread in 12 hours.

This is 24 hours.

This is a Verizon coverage map.

And in 36 hours, it will have infected the entire planet.

Options?

We have only one option.

Protocol 62.

Not possible.

We don't have arly enough piranhas.

Then protocol 63 it is.

(sirens wailing)

Hooray! (coughs)

They're letting us out!

And hundreds of black hovercopters

are coming to welcome us!

(coughing)

(panicked yelling)

(coughing)

They shrink-wrapped the whole city.

Well, it could be worse.

(rumbling)

It is worse!

(pulsating whirring)

(rhythmic humming and whirring)

(bell clanging)

ZOIDBERG: Oh!

They're flying Manhattan into the sun!

They must have been out of piranhas.

They're gonna k*ll the virus by exposing it

to the heat of our burning bodies!

I'm just glad I have my wool scarf.

What good is a wool...?

(choking)

(panting) Guys! Guys, you're never gonna believe this!

We know!

They shmooped up Manhattan and blasted us toward the sun!

They did? Oh, so that's why this was unguarded.

People of New New York,

this is Surgeon General Ogden Wernstrom.

Wern...

(coughing)

strom!

No doctor likes hurling his patients into the sun,

but since there is no way

to make a vaccine for the common cold...

(Professor grunts)

There is a way to make a vaccine!

There is? Yay!

Of course, there's a catch. (whoops)

Yay! Yay!

So what's the catch?

The vaccine requires the original,

unmutated 20th-century cold virus,

so I need to grind you into a paste.

Professor, no!

It's okay, Leela.

This is all my fault sort of.

If this will save you, then please,

turn me into a virus milkshake.

He consented! You all heard it!

(whirring)

♪ ♪

Yes, sir, many of these entries merit a ride

in the mighty bosom of our space shuttle.

And then there's your so-called entry.

(sniffles and sneezes)

Geez! Walk much, Gedgie?

Absurd. You really think

your guinea pig can survive in the vacuum of space?

He already survived in the vacuum of my mom.

I mean, my mom's vacuum.

My experiment measures the effect of microgravity

on the propagation of the common cold virus

in an anaerobic environment, i.e., space.

Impressed?

Damn right I am.

That's some dry, emotionless science.

Nice job, son.

(sniffling, sneezing)

Hey, wait a second!

I know where you can get some 20th century cold virus

without k*lling me!

Hush, lad. I'm totally in the zone.

We just have to find the Nerd Search '88 satellite.

Oh! I don't know why I even build these things.

(whooshing)

Gunnery Chief Bender, blast us out of quarantine.

Aye aye, lady!

(rhythmic bleeps)

(ricocheting)

Oh, fiddlepoop!

Our weapons aren't strong enough

to puncture a thin plastic tent that thick.

No, but theirs are!

(beeping)

Captain, a ship is attempting to break the quarantine.

Blow them to Bac-O bits with a well-placed warning sh*t.

But... (gasps)

(beep) Oh!

Oops.

We'll find that cold virus.

The Nerd Search satellite was launched on the space shuttle

and released into orbit.

Hmm. All ancient satellites were swept up as space junk in 2113.

I actually knew that offhand.

I'm Facebooking right now.

(trilling) Aha!

That satellite was scuttled on Enceladus,

Saturn's main dump moon.

Let's dump it up!

(beeping) This is the exact location of the dump,

but there's nothing here.

Can we please go home and die now?

I'm with Bender.

Whatever was here has been covered

by centuries of ice buildup.

No! It's under here somewhere!

We just have to bust our way down.

Remember the code of the ice.

Thin and crispy, way too risky!

(grunting)

(whimpering and yelling)

LEELA: I found the satellite!

Let's just hope the experiment's still in here.

Yes! We're saved!

(microphone feedback)

And now, to present the awards, our very special guest.

He walked on the moon,

and now he is judging a high school science contest.

Truly a man who can and will do anything:

Dr. Buzz Aldrin!

(applause)

Wow. I could have used an introduction like that

when I first met the moon men.

(Aldrin laughs) (laughter)

But seriously, there are moon men.

Okay, this year's Nerd Search runner-up

is a young man who devised a way to add and subtract

in zero gravity... Vijay Patel and his calculator space hat!

(applause) (whooping)

(whooping)

And now, the grand prize winner

whose experiment will be launched into space...

(drumroll)

Look at that cocky smirk.

My money's on Gedgie.

Yeah? He may have brains, but I have heart.

Josh Gedgie!

(Josh laughs)

I'll bring the car around.

What a well-prepared virus culture.

This will make a fine vaccine.

Good thing Gedgie won.

My dumb experiment wouldn't have lasted an hour in space,

let alone a thousand years.

Besides, Buzz Aldrin ran over my guinea pig in the parking lot.

Okay.

Come on, g*ng, let's go inoculate everyone

and cram Manhattan back into its rightful hole.

This may hurt a little.

Ow!

Now I'll give you the sh*t.

You saved millions of lives, Fry.

You should feel proud, no matter what your dad said to you.

(shivering)

You still haven't thanked me

for pulling you out of the lake, soldier.

I could have flip-flopped out.

I know that.

Look, son, I know I give you the business sometimes.

But if I'm hard on you, it's only 'cause I want you

to grow up strong and resilient.

Some day, you may face adversities so preposterous,

I can't even conceive of them.

But I know you'll pull through and make me proud.

I love you, son.

(sobs)

Now bundle up.

I don't want you getting frozen.