07x01 - The Bots and the Bees

[bunniefuu]

Planet Express crew,
report to headquarters immediately!

Repeat: What I just said, immediately!

Sorry, Randy.

Step away from the car
and no one gets hurt!

Ow!

To the employment cave!

Ow! Oh!

Thanks dear.
Off to work.

Whoa, whoa, there, girl.

Go on now!
Get on back to Paraguay!

We're being eaten
by a giant spider!

There's no time for that!
The Professor needs us!

Crew, as you know,

I've delivered a lot
of good news in the past.

But what I'm about
to lay down is by far the greatest

announcement in
the history of Planet Express!

What is it?!
I'm on the edge of my butt!

Ladies and gentlemen, feast
your eyes on our amazing new...

soda machine!

You undersold it, Professor!

Look, it has Slurm Loco!
It's the extremiest!

Hey, what can I get y'all?

Wow, you can talk?
Shut up and give me a Slurm Loco.

Ooh! Ooh!
Hey, drink machine,

what kind of alcoholic
sodas you got?

Y'all can't drink at work!
This ain't a sawmill!

No alcohol?!

And you got the nerve to call
yourself a beverage machine?!

I call myself "Bev."

And if you're looking
for a smelly old can of booze,

go look in the mirror.

- Oh, snap!
- Oh...!

Now, now,
everybody calm down.

Yeah, I need one more Slurm.

And one more to wash that
Slurm taste out of my mouth.

So I went to the bathroom
and my pee was green.

Pretty neat, huh?

I was wondering who
Shrekked in the toilet.

I hope you're proud
of yourself, Bev.

You've turned this perfectly
worthless loser into an addict.

Cut me some slack, preacher.

I'm just a coal grinder's daughter
trying to stay off the pole.

With that big ol' caboose,
it'd have to be a telephone pole!

Hey-oh!

Well, I guess a fella's
gotta talk big

when he's sportin' a little
shriveled-up antenna like that.

What?!

For your information, "madam,"
it's a grower, not a show-er!

My antenna's fine.
It's just fine.

Ladies can't get enough Bender.

I need to loosen up.
Give me a screwdriver.

Hello.
Who's your hot, dumb friend?

- Me?
- Me?

Sure, why not.

Hang on.
It's too bright in here.

Call me old-fashioned,
but I like a little romance in an orgy.

Let me switch off this weird light.

Yow!

Fry, it's 2:00 a.m.

What are you doing here
glowing on my skanks?

Just sitting here turning
quarters into urine.

We don't gotta put up with this.

We got Poli Sci degrees.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hang on.

I'll just politely escort him
to the gutter.

Scram, shiny!

All right, how we feelin'?

Hot. I could bake
a potato in my cleavage.

Yeah, I need a seltzer.

I'd be honored to
purchase you some refreshment.

Uh, hey, drink machine,
you got anything classy

for these delicate flowers?

I ain't makin' drinks
for no trashy robo-sluts.

Trashy? At least
I don't put out for quarters.

Hey!

Hey.
Stop that, drink machine.

Stop it, I say.

That's it, we're out of here.

Come on.
We'll split a blintz.

Wait, give me a chance
to defend your honor.

And then sully it on the couch.

All right, I've been waiting all
day for an excuse to hit a lady.

You try it,
and I'll bash your face in.

Ooh, I'm so scared, No-Arms.

You want some of this?

- Oh! Interesting.
- Mmm!

Uh, Fry? You're glowing like
the Human Torch on prom night.

Shouldn't you be standing
on a rocky coast somewhere

preventing shipwrecks?

Nice, hate me because
of the brightness of my skin.

You okay, ma'am?
I think your soda water broke.

My God!
Bev just had a baby in my cup!

- I know, right?
- I better take that.

Aw, he's so cute.
Wait. No, he isn't.

He looks like Bender!

Oh, no, no, no.
No way am I that kid's Dad!

Wipe my tiny metal ass!

Aw, crap.

Mama, thirsty!

Hang on, dumpling.
My milk's coming in.

Ugh! In public?

Aw, biscuits!
I'm a father?!

- How did this happen?
- Does this ring a bell?

Are you telling me
the stuff we did in private,

and also twice on the sidewalk,
made a baby robot? How?!

Aw, Bender,
didn't your mom ever tell you

where robot babies come from?

No. She was a religious
fundamentalist.

Plus she didn't have a mouth.
It's an unusual combination.

Come on, everyone, let's
take Bender to the teen center

to learn about the
bots and the bees!

It's okay, Bender.
No one here will laugh at you

for not knowing where
robot babies come from.

We don't know either.

Then prepare to be embarrassed.

Narrator:
Sex Ed, Volume One, or...

Pants Full of Shame!

Meet Gerald,
a maturing young robot.

Hey, he looks like me!

His hideous appearance
is a by-product

of his hardware gearing up

for an important mission:
reproduction.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

Since factories can't
manufacture enough robots

to meet demand, robots
can also reproduce by mating.

Oh, now you tell me!

First, Gerald must find
a female robot.

The best he can do is Francine.

After beer and hot wings
at a local gas station,

the two enjoy intimate
time behind a Dumpster.

It's all perfectly natural.

Let's watch, aroused,
as Gerald's antenna uploads

a binary file to
Francine's internal drive.

Manufacturing specs from each
parent are then merged

by a randomized algorithm,

and the resulting code
guides assembly of a new robot.

Yes, everything your body
does is perfectly natural.

Except masturbation.
That's just wrong.

Oh! I can't believe
I made a kid!

I'm not ready!

There's so much of the world
I haven't stolen yet!

Relax, Bender. No one
would let you near a child.

Bev will get custody, and
you'll be a deadbeat Dad

who never even bothers
to know his own son.

You really think so?

I know so. You're absolutely
horrible in every way.

You're sweet, Leela.

Sorry, Bev, but I ain't
cut out for fatherhood.

So here's my certificate of
abandonment drawn up by our notary!

That'll be ten bucks.

Now take your kid
and hit the soup line!

Oh, no, you don't, mister!

Damn baby's drivin' me crazy!

He won't stop giggling no
matter how much I scream at him!

There, there.

I still got womanly needs!

Who's gonna look twice at me

with this dirty leech
hangin' off my dairy nozzle?

Not me, that's for sure.

Then it's settled!
He's all yours, Pappy!

Hey, wait! You can't...!
What?!

What the...?!

Aw, can't I have
one moment to myself?!

Why can't you sleep?

I left my window open,
and moths got in.

I swear, if I wasn't
such a great Dad,

I'd grab his ugly
little neck and...

Hey, he stopped screaming
for a second!

Bend some other stuff!

Ben'! Ben'!

He loves bending,
just like me.

Aw, I'm gonna call him Ben...

after the first half
of me... Bender.

That's my bastard!

Bend it, Daddy!

Bend it like it called you
poo-poo-face!

It called me what?!

Yay! You bended it
like a "petzel."

Okay, now you.

I can't do it!

Hey, buddy, you're learning.
You'll get there.

Bender, I was wrong.

You're a fine parent,
and I want to apolo...

- Leela was wrong!
- Leela was wrong!

- Leela was wrong!
- Leela was wrong!

Daddy, how'd you get
so good at bending?

I inherited my arm control
software from my mom.

That's how it's passed down,
mother to son.

But my mommy had no arms!

Does that mean
I can never be a bender?

Well, sure you can! You just need
to get a bending card installed.

I hate to crush a boy's
dreams, but what the heck.

He has only one expansion slot,
and it holds his memory card.

This robot will never bend.

Don't tell my son
what he can and can't do!

You may know
what's in his head,

but you don't know
what's in his heart!

- There's no slot in there either.
- I said shut up!

Today marks young Ben's

13th day of being
left on continuously.

And so, before the Lord
and this congregation,

we upgrade him to man-bot.
Can I get a mazel tov?

Mazel tov!

Mazel tov!

I'd like to thank the
Preacherbot for the introduction

and also for not circumcising
me again, am I right?

Twice was enough.
But seriously...

today, I'm not just a manbot,
I'm the luckiest manbot alive.

My mom may have abandoned me,

but I have the greatest Dad
in the whole universe.

He's patient, he's not afraid
to show his emotions...

Don't look at me!

...and someday,
if my dreams come true,

I'll be a bender, just like him.

You must be so proud of your boy.

I could take him or leave him.

I'm back for my son!

I've come to take him
and leave with him!

She b*at you to both things.

It's okay, son, mama's here now.

Daddy!
Don't let her take me!

Get your lack of hands
off my boy!

You're an unfit parent
who abandoned her child!

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm still
less unfitter than you.

- Says who?!
- Says this document you gave me

when you tried
to abandon Ben first!

It's genuine.

That doesn't prove
I'm an unfit parent!

I was drunk and violent
when I signed that!

Well, I'm drunk and violent now.
He's comin' with me!

Daddy...!

Son...!

My boy's gone.
All I have left to remember him

are these innocent play
things we stole together.

Fry, put these someplace safe.

That's it, Fry!
For a guy who's not too bright,

you're too damn bright!

Now, get out!
And don't come back

until someone finds
a use for a million-watt idiot!

Mom, will I ever get
to see Dad again?

No, he d*ed yesterday.
Rust monsters ate his face.

Sweet dreams!

Psst! Quit whimpering or
you don't get kidnapped!

Dad!

Ah... Come on.
Let's run for it.

What's going to happen
to us now, Dad?

Well, I reckon we'll just sit
around this campfire awhile.

- But then what?
- Only a fool plans

more than a few
centuries ahead, son.

Freeze, tin woodsmen!

You're under arrest for kidnapping

and burning raccoons
without a permit!

It's over, Dad.
It ain't over!

I can't outrun a hovercopter,
but I can out-bend it!

I know!
Let's outrun it!

There's a dam!

- Damn!
- There's a grate!

- Great!
- But I can't bend anything

with my arms agonizingly
maimed like this.

Well, maybe I can!

You can do it, son.

Yeah, this ain't gonna happen.

Is that even necessary?

I'm sorry, Daddy.

You got nothing to be sorry about.

He's really a very good father.

All right, I got her statement.
And a straight up grape soda.

Aw, yeah.

I promise things will
be different, son.

From now on, I'm chaining
you to a radiator.

I'm amazed someone who
dispenses such warm soda,

could be so coldhearted!

I'm gonna buy a drink just so
I can throw it in your face!

It's another soda baby!

Damn.

You got knocked up
by a police officer

while he was looking for
your kidnapped child?

Sure did!
I still got it.

So, now what happens?

Tell you what,
you keep the big one.

Long as I got a baby
to neglect, I'm happy.

Should we call child services?

Nah, let's just get outta here.

- Whoo?
- Sorry, Dad.

I'm glad to be back.

I'm just kind of bummed
I can't bend stuff.

All I ever wanted was to go
to Bending State-Santa Cruz.

But that's never gonna happen.

Listen, you need something bent,
you come to me, huh, champ?

Damn it, I love that
little guy so much!

I'd sacrifice any four of you if it
would help him bend even a little!

There is one way...
but no, it's too horrible.

Nothing's too horrible
for my boy!

Well... I could install
a bending card.

But you said he only has one slot!

Correct. I'd have to
remove his memory card.

He'd be able to bend,
but he'd lose all his memories.

He wouldn't even
remember who you are.

You sure you want
to be a bender, son?

More than anything.

Just remember,
your Daddy loves you.

Remember that, will you, son?
Remember that.

Dad, are you crying?

No! I said with the
mouth you're looking at.

You sure take after your old man!

I never knew my father.

It's not important.

What is important
is that we get you

to Bending State-Santa Cruz
in time for registration.

Then we'd better hurry!
Registration ends in one hour.

To the ship!

It's too foggy.

We can't navigate through this storm.

Our lights aren't bright enough.

- I'm sorry I let you down, son.
- Who are you again?

It's just not possible to get
you to bending school this year.

Or is there?

- All right, Fry!
- All right, Fry!

Merry college
registration day, everyone!