07x04 - The Thief of Baghead

[bunniefuu]

As the curtain rises on our
verisimilidinous tableau,

you're no doubt curious
as to why I tricked you all

into hang gliding here.

Close-up.

It seems someone in this room...

Is a m*rder*r!

(Gasps)
It's me.

But the real question is,

which of you is the victim?

And that secret...

I shall take to my grave.

Calculon, no!

(Moans)

(Calculon moaning, choking)

Now, that's acting.

Calculon really shatnered
the hell out of that scene.

Hey, anyone want to
go to the aquarium?

They got a new non-biting otter.

(Cheering)

Sounds great!
Non-biting otter!

Fry:
Wow.

Aquariums have really changed
since I was a boy

and no one ever took me to them.

Where's the glass?
There isn't any.

The water's held in place
by gravity fields,

so there's nothing for kids
to smear yogurt on.

I like strawberry yogurt.

Can I touch the water?

I wouldn't, but I'm smart.

(Screams)

Help! Police!

At.

Welcome...

To Jurassic t*nk.

(Tex snorting, gasping)

Picture time.

Everybody get together.

(Grumbling)

Hang on, I need a tripod.

Let me just extend the old third leg.

(Whirring)

Ooh, yeah.
That's stable, baby.

Just need to pick a lens.

L's see... zoom lens?

Nope.

They live lens?

Eh, so-so.

Twilight zone
one-minute-in-the-future lens?

Bender: Ooh, Calculon's
going to be here.

Better get my camera ready.

Just take the damn picture!

Let me just adjust the focus...

F-stop...

Shutter speed.

Oops. Out of film. Hang on.

(Others sigh, grumble)

Film?
Who uses film?

We've had digital cameras
for a thousand years.

Digital? (Spits)

No digital camera can capture

the warmth and grain
of good old film.

How can you even tell?

Your eyes are digital cameras.

And where can you possibly get
film developed nowadays?

Right here.

You're looking at the last
chemical darkroom in existence.

Hey, Bender, isn't that Calculon?

Calculon? No way!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Yo, Calky! I'm a big fan,
and I've got a big camera.

Can I get a big picture?

(Sighs)

Well, I was just airbrushed
this morning, so all right.

But make it snappy.

Eh, that looked staged.

Try one where you're pretending

to swing a tennis racquet.

Okay, okay, that's enough.

I'm trying to enjoy a nice day out

with the actors
who play my TV family.

These rare and
fascinating deep-sea fish

are extremely sensitive to light

over here, Calculon!
Come on, smile!

Quit blinking!
Red eye!

Blurry!
Lens cap's still on!

Calculon:
Oh, we finally eluded

that obnoxious shutterbug.

At last, we can enjoy our
studio-mandated quality time.

(Bender chuckles)

! I can't t work like this.

I'll be in my day-off trailer.

(Bender screams, burbles)

And I took this one inside
the Ichthyosaur's stomach.

(Chucks)

Man, I've never had anyone
try so hard to digest me.

OK, we've all been
in a sea monster's stomach.

But did you get any pictures
of the Calculon?

Yeah, but a true photo buff

wouldn't even use these
for toilet paper.

Not if curtains were available.

You're too hard on yourself, robot.

These pictures are just
as good as the ones

in my celebrity tabloid.

Leela:
Us people magazine?

That's total trash.

Total celebrity trash.

My inquiring organ wants to know.

If you ask me, Bender should
go to us people's office

in Hollywood and see if they'd
like his Calculon pictures.

(Scoffs)

I have no time for such foolishness.

Well, I changed my mind
and came to Hollywood after all.

Bender, these sh*ts
of Calculon e great.

In fact, you might
just have what it takes

to be a paparazzo.

Namely, a camera.

Shut up. I know it.

Wait... a whatsa-whatzo?

A paparazzo.

You know, a celebrity photographer.

But it's not for everyone.

You'd have to wallow
in Hollywood filth,

loiter in dark alleys
behind seedy nightclubs

and get spat on
by the beautiful people.

Hmm, I don't ow.
How much will it cost me?

You misunderstand, Bender.

We'll pay you.

Sir, you just hired yourself
a new whatsa-whatzo.

{pub}Listen up, g*ng.

I'd like to introduce you to Bender,

the newest member of
our paparazzo family.

Nice to meet you.

And even though it's
only my first day,

I want you all to know that
I'm already better than you.

Stay out of my way!

(Slurps)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I'm back, crab dip.

What you watching?

Only a documentary about the
greatest actor in the world.

Ah, yes... Calculon.

I happened to snap a picture of him

taking some time
with his biggest fan.

No, not that scene-chewing ham.

I said the greatest actor...
Langdon Cobb.

Let's rewind, shall we?

Narrator:
Langdon Cobb...

The most acclaimed actor
of his generation.

Why's he wearing a bag on his head?

They're explaining that right n.

(Sighs)

Let's rewind again.

Narrator: ...Most acclaimed
actor of his generation.

He's raked in seven
academy awards for best actor

and o for best actress,

all without ever removing
his trademark bag.

Mr. Cobb, you're
an intensely private man...

Quite right, mm-hmm.

... And though billions
of people have seen your wk,

- no one has ever seen your face.
- Mm-hmm.

So tell us.
Why the bag?

Ah, yes, the bag.

I've never understood
people's fascination with that.

The point is, I'm an actor
and nothing more.

I have no interest in being admired

for something as inconsequential
as my appearance

or my personal life.

All that t matters is...

The process.

Narrator: Whether playing
a beloved historical figure...

For Rigel 7...
And all mankind!

Narrator:
...Or a Victorian circus freak...

I want to see the real you.

No, Daisy, don't!

I tried to warn you.

I'm hideous.

To me, you're beautiful.

Narrator:... Langdon Cobb's
acting is always "in the bag."

Truly, his is the most
famous face in Hollywood.

Even if no one's ever
photographed it,

nor ever will.

Once again, television
has given me a reason to live.

A photo of Langdon Cobb
without his bag?

Impossible.

He's got a 50-foot-high
force field around his house.

Bender:
One 60-foot ladder, please.

(Chuckles)

(Pants, grunts)

(Grunts)

(Sneaky chuckle)

(Growling)

(Snarling)

Oh!

What are you,
some kind of att*ck fungus?

Or just a moldy schnauzer?

(Barks, Bender yells)

Oh, God, please let this
tacky Hollywood mansion

have the obligatory.
Yes!

Tuscan-inspired pergola!

(Bender grunting, creature growls)

(Chuckles)

Peace out, Portobello.

Thank you, Leroy.

I'm going to relax by the fire
with my bag off,

so that will be all for the night.

By your command.

(Quietly):
Come to paparazzo.

Asps)

- Gotcha!
- No!

Please, sir, I implore you,

destroy that photo of me.

It's not just my privacy I've
been protecting all these years.

If you show anyone that picture,

there will be terrible consequences.

The only thing terrible's
going to be my bank account.

Wait. Say that again,

what say "tremendous consequences."

If it's money you're after,
I'll pay whatever you ask.

Just promise me you'll never
show that photo to anyone.

I swear on my honor as a paparazzo.

Hey, Fry, want to see a picture?

Sure.

Hmm.

He looked at the photo
and that happened.

But... it could just
be a coincidence.

Yo, Amy, check it out.

The evidence is mounting.

Although two times hardly
establishes a pattern.

I'd feel more comfortable
raising the alarm

if I were a little more certain.

Hey, how'd those two get deflated?

They looked at this.

(Gasps)

That proves it.

Looking at this photo of Langdon Cobb

has a horrific effect
on living creatures.

(Door slides open)

Hey, Zoidberg, look at this
photo of Langdon Cobb.

What, a picture of Langdon Cobb?

Now, this I want to see
as clearly as possible.

Zoidberg, no!

(Grunts)

Oh, thank God, Professor.

You got here just in time.

Professor:
I've seen this before.

Langdon Cobb must be
from Bryoria Six,

home of the quantum lichen people.

Well, that explains that.

They're attention parasites.

They feed on the admiration
of their prey.

Just like the noble buffalo.

Nothing like a buffalo.

Anyone who pays
attention to the lichen

is unknowingly feeding it.

But gaze upon its face,
even in a photograph,

and your very life force
will be sucked out,

leaving you a flaccid husk.

So the picture robbed them
of the souls?

Souls? Don't be ridiculous.

It's their life forces
that have been stolen.

It's scientific.

That's why the robot's immune.

He has no soul.

Life force!

So, how do we get
their "life forces" back?

If we poke a hole in Cobb's bag,
will they spew out

like a volcano built
on an Indian graveyard?

Alas, it's not that simple.

You e, just as the
earth lichen is composed

of an algae and a fungus,

the quantum variety is also comped

of two separed parts.

An attractive algae-based id

and a ravenous
fungus based ego

that stores the stolen souls.

I mean, life forces.

Now, here's the weird pa.

The ego and the id
are connected not physically,

like decent, God-fearing earth liens,

but by quantum entanglement.

(Trilling)

So the id is Langdon Cobb,
but this fungus ego could be...

Anywhere, we'll never find it!

Let's just give up and go
to the aquarium again.

Now, hold on.

I feel like I was chased
by a mushroom recently.

Of course!
The guard dog at Cobb's estate.

That's the ego.

All right, let's go.

It'll be just like stomping a puppy.

No, no, no. Subduing an actor's
ego is no easy task.

We'll have to weaken it first.

Look, I own words that are helpful.

It says the world acting championship

is tonight in Hollywood.

Quiet, Zoidberg.

God, I wish you were a husk.

No, it's Langdon Cobb
versus Calculon.

If we help Calculon win,

will weaken Cobb's ego, may?

Yes, yes, fine.

(Petulantly)
We never go where I want to go.

So, the most galling
of the paparazzi needs my help.

Lo the worm has turned.

Say cheese, Calculon without makeup.

(Sighs) As much as I hate you,
I hate Langdon Cobb more.

He beats me out
for every award, every role,

every paternity suit.

Besting him at acting means more
to me than life itself.

And we want to help you.

Now, your only chance
a classic death scene.

One with a lot of thy's and thou's.

Voilá.

The tragic end
of Rome o. And Julie t.

That's Romeo and Juliet, dummy,

by Will.I.Am Shakespeare.

Now, here's the poison
that Romeo uses to k*ll himself.

Don't worry, it's just
water and food coloring.

Food coloring?

The most poisonous substance
known to robots?

Oops, sorry.

I'll swap it out
for harmless battery acid.

No. Wait.

There's on one way to ensure victory.

I must perform
the ultimate death scene.

Shall drink the actual poison...

And actually die.

But... but, Calculon,
you can't k*ll yourself.

I'm a celebrity.
I can k*ll anyone I want!

{pub}- Call it in the air.
- Comedy.

It's tragedy.

Langdon Cobb will be first
to take the stage.

Bossy to stinky.
Come in, stinky.

Zoidberg:
I always come in stinky.

Standby. The competition's
about to begin.

(Groans)

Hold your fire

til Calculon's performance
weakens the ego.

Roger. Stinky over.

Whoof! I beg to differ.

I wish it had been me, Sully.

I wish it had been me
off-duty in the garden

when those drug lords
blew up the Celtics.

But I was drunk, wicked drunk!

Uh-oh. Cobb's doing a scene
from beantown buddies.

The audience is eating it up.

Professor, what's
your status?

Not good!

The attention Cobb's receiving
is inflating his ego.

It's going totally Kanye!

Ah! There's a humungous
fungus among us.

Oh, Sully, you were
the best partner I ever had,

both on the be and in the sack.

That's right, I said it.

(Sobbing):
I said it!

Aah!

(Sobbing)

A tough act to follow.

And now, to follow that act,

performing the death scene
from Romeo and Juliet,

seven-time Oscar runner-up, Calculon!

(Applause)

(Soft piano notes play)

Ah, dear Juliet,
why art thou yet so fair?

I will stay with thee;

and never from this palace
of dim night depart again.

O, here will I set up
my everlasting rest

and shake the yoke
of inauspicious stars

from this world-wearied flesh.

Eyes, look your last.

Arms, take your last embrace

and lips, of you,
the doors of breath,

seal with a righteous kiss.

Here's to my love.

(Gasping)

Oh(Gurgling)

(Death rattle)

I can't believe he really did it.

(Voice breaks): At lea
he d*ed knowing I was great.

(Death rattle ends)

(Applause and cheering)

Uh-oh. That death scene
was almost half believable.

Cobb looks jealous and insecure.

How's his ego doing?

It's shrinking.

Faster, Professor, k*ll, k*ll.

Activating anti-fungal ray.

It just has to warm up
for about 15 minutes.

(Roars)
Ooh!

Ladies and gentlemen and smizmars,

we have a unanimous decision.

The winner, and heavyweight
acting champion

of the world,

Langdon Cobb!

Huh.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks.

Oh, God, he's basking
in their admiration.

That ego must be at least
four feet tall by now.

(Roars)

(Professor, Zoidberg yelling)

Aw, did you miss me, pookie?

(Captives grunting and groaning)

I can't watch!

I better take some pictures.

Wait a minute.

When living creatures look
at Cobb'b's photo,

their life force gets sucked out.

And Cobb's a living creature.

I just need to show him
a picture of himself.

But I tore up the on picture of Cobb.

And everybody knows,
once you delete a photo,

it's gone forever.

Maybe a digital photo,

but with film,
I still ha the negative.

Hurry, make a new print!

I don't know how long I
can distract Cobb's ego.

Okay. I'll be in the darkroom.

(Grunts)

(Yelling)

(Blow lands)

Eh. Contrasts a little off
on this one.

(Grunting)

(Shrieks)

Bender, hurry up!

This one is really good.

But I can still do better.

Who are you people?

Why are you attacking my ego?

You stole our friends' life forces.

Ah, yes. I warned the robot,
but he wouldn't listen.

You see, I was once like
the rest of my species,

showing my face to one planet,

draining its life force and moving on.

T when I got to earth, I found
a different kind of prey.

Explain. (Grunts)

You earthlings worship celebrity
with such fervor

that I can survive simply
by milking your admiration.

Milking and milking it
through what we tors call...

The process.

Oh, God, just k*ll us already!

But you all discovered my secret.

And for that, you will pay.
Look at me!

If we do, will you stop talking
about the process?

Never. Behold!

(Cobb laughs)

I'll save you, Leela,
Professor and Zoidberg.

Oops.

Nonetheless, I finally nailed it.

Ga upon this photo of yourself

and start squirting out
some soul-a-rrhea.

It doesn't work that way,
you imbecile.

Although...

It's really quite a nice portrait.

The contrast is exquisite.

And the composition...
Sublime.

I look... spectacular.

Ah, man.

My great photo
only made his ego bigger.

. No!

(Grunts)

(Whooshing)

(Gasping)

Hey, Calculon's dead.

What happened?
Did you save us, Leela?

Actually, no.

For once, it was Bender.

Really? Well, thanks for
whatever you did, Bender.

It was a lot.
You'll never be able to pay any back.

Now, gather round friends.

So we can commemorate
this moment in a photo.

I gotta admit.

This time it'll a pleasure
to be in your picture.

Say: "Bender is great."

Bender is great!