07x05 - Zapp Dingbat

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys.

Welcome to my parents'
40th anniversary party.

I'm bored.
Let's drink.

Wow, what a turnout.

It's great to see
so many happy smiles,

most of them on mouth mutant.

(All laugh)

All:
Hey-o!

But let me just say, for 40 years,

my beautiful wife Munda
has been by my side...

Even that year my side mutated

into some kind of venomous radish.

And, Morris, I fell in love

with your honesty and humility.

And those things never mutated.

Both:
Mmm...

All:
Aw...

(Guttural):
Aw...

Now, if you'll direct your attention

to this moldy shower curtain,

I've prepared a video tribute
to the happy couple.

In their 40 years together,

my parents have been through so much.

Well, not that much, actually,
since mutants weren't allowed

to leave the sewers until last year.

Like anyone wants to leave
the sewer. Am I right?

(All laugh)

Shush, Morris.

So, how did it all begin?

The unlikely lovebirds met
at brown university.

She, a brilliant
exolinguistics major,

he, a laid-back sewer surfer
who didn't even know

the meaning of "exolinguistics".

I still have no idea.

(All laugh)

I've been telling you for 40 years,

it's the study of alien languages.

Why can't you listen?

Oh, sugar lump, I hear you

when you actually say
something important.

Leela:
But sometimes opposites attract,

and like the fairy tale
of face mutant and butt mutant,

the love of Munda and Morris
has grown stronger every day.

Munda:
"Something important"?

Exolinguistics was my passion.

Until I gave it up to go into

the lucrative pot-roast-making field.

Pot-roast-burning.

I never got why you studied
that alien junk anyway.

We can't even see the stars
down here in the sewer.

Why can't you accept that?

I did accept it... for 40 years!

But now we're free to go up there.

I could be in space seeing
things I've only dreamed about,

if it weren't for you!

Uh, okay, everybody,
thanks for coming.

I had dreams, too!

I was going to surf
the world's sewers,

but I happily gave it up
for you. Happily!

I just want a little
more out of life.

But no, you don't want
to go into space

because you're too afraid.

You bet I'm afraid.
You want to go? Go!

Get your head knocked off
by a meteorite.

Okay, take a deep breath.

You're having
a little lovers' quarrel,

but I'm sure you'll work
everything...

Divorce is final.

Munda:
Don't worry.

I'm only going to stay with you

until a vacancy opens
up on this floor.

You know, the rents are
a lot more reasonable in Peru.

Come on, Leela, let's go out.

After 40 years,
I want to see the world.

(Sighs) What the heck?

You want to go out?
Let's really go out.

(Jaunty jazz playing)

Dance, sl*ve, dance.

(Groaning)

(Zaps)

(Buzzing)

Well, I lost two straight hands
to the borax kid.

I don't really have
any use for these,

but you can't have them back. Ladies.

Imagine... me, a girl from the sewer

meeting a man made
entirely of detergent.

(Gasps) And look over there!

It's Zapp Brannigan,
the famous space captain.

Hey, I have an idea.

Let's look in a different
direction at something else.

You go ahead, dear.

I wonder what
Captain Brannigan's doing

with those Carcarons?

Now, regarding
this peace treaty, Admiral Chu.

That's a napkin dispenser, sir.

This is the universal translator.

Whatever.

Now, Admiral, in exchange
for your promise

not to att*ck us, we will grant you

exclusive fishing rights
in Supernova Scotia.

(Translated guttural
alien language plays)

(Replies in guttural alien language)

Well, okay.

Excellent.

We'll meet aboard
my ship in one month

to sign the treaty of table seven.

(Alien language translation plays)

Table seven?

Now, watch, Kif,
as I score a diplomatic Coop

by congratulating the Admiral
in his native tongue.

Last time you tried that,

the Mexican restaurant
declared w*r on us.

I beg you, just use the translator.

Kif, just trust me for once.

(Speaks alien language)

I'd like to spank your sister
with a slice of bologna.

(Chuckles) Oops.

(Angry, guttural reply)

(Weapons cocking)

(Zapp gasps)

It's the battle of
Paco's tacos all over again.

(Whimpers)

(Speaking alien language)

Mom, what are you doing?

What I was trained to do.

(Speaks alien language)

(Speaks alien language)

What did you say to them?

Eh, just that Captain Brannigan
confused the word

for "congratulations"
with the word for

"spank your sister with bologna."

Nicely squawked, madam.

Leela, you never told me
you had a mother.

I insist you stay
for a courtesy thank-you drink.

(Low whirring)

Mmm, good barium sh*ts.

Expensive, though.
We can put it on

the corporate card,
as long as we discuss business.

So, uh, yesterday, huh?

That business happened, right?

Somebody?

I'll just pay for it.

Well, we should get going.

You guys see where my mom went?

I don't know where most of her is,

but her tongue's in Zapp's mouth.

Both:
Mmm...

Whoo! Nasty.

Mom, are you okay?

Did Zapp take advantage of you?

Show me where he touched you
on this dried-apple doll.

Oh, don't be silly.

Zapp's a perfect gentleman.

And so handsome.

Did you know he wears
a velour man-skirt?

(Groans) Mom, I hate
to break it to you,

but Zapp's a jerk.

The truth is...

I once slept with him...
A few times.

I know.

He showed me
the commemorative painting.

- What?!
- Look, sweetie, I get it.

You're jealous because Zapp
likes me now and not you.

But don't worry,
this isn't a competition.

Although he did say
I'm a better kisser.

I am not jealous.

Also, yech!

Zapp doesn't care about my mom.

He's just doing this to get to me.

Don't worry, Leela.

Your mom won't see Zapp much.

He's in space all the time.

(Device trills)

Guess what, honey.

Zapp hired me
as his personal translator.

I'll be with him all the time...
In space.

What? But...

I've never been so happy!

(Device trills)
Hang on, mom.

I have another call.

(Sobbing)

(Sobs)
Thank you for coming.

You know, without your mother,

the sewer's a dank and dismal place.

Dad, we need to talk.

Mom is...

Well, she's seeing someone else.

Who is it, mouth mutant?

I ought to punch him
right in his big mouth.

And then in all his smaller mouths!

No, no, listen.

It's time to get on with your life.

But she was my life.

Bender:
Aw.

What?

Hey, what about your lifelong dream?

Didn't you always want to surf

the world's greatest sewers?

Yeah, and Fry and Bender
can go with you.

You can teach them how to surf,

and they can make sure you don't...

(Mimics cork pop, gulping,
blubbering, g*nsh*t sound)

I don't know.
Would you come, too, sweetie?

I can't.

I have to keep an eye on mom to
make sure she and Zapp don't...

(Mimics air raid siren,
train chugging)

Yee-haw!

You know what?
I'm going to give it a sh*t.

Let's go surf the great
sewer waves of the world!

(Squeaking)

(Speaking alien language)

Where have you been?

What?
It's 2:00 in the afternoon.

Several days later.

Look, enough is enough.

Zapp is a jerk.

I insist you break up with him.

Why can't you just let me be happy?

After all these years, I'm
going places I've never been,

and having sex there.

You're too old to be happy.

I'm not too old to enjoy
hot sex with Zapp.

Ugh!

Sex with Zapp!
Ew!

Sex with Zapp!
Aah!

Sex with Zapp!
No, no!

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I don't think I
can live here anymore.

I'll be back for my things
at 8:00 sharp.

(Beeping)

Sex with Zapp!

- This one is for the E. Coli...
- Ow!

- And this one's for the leprechaunorrhea.
- Hiddly-Dee!

I don't care how many
diseases Fry has.

It was worth it.

Right on, brah!

I feel free as a bum.

How can you be so calm, dad?

The woman you love is out there

having the time of her life
with Zapp Brannigan,

and you're not doing
anything to stop it.

Surfing helped me chill out, honey.

When you're down there
riding the waves,

the wind ripening in your face,

everything just makes sense, dude.

You mind if I
call you dude, princess?

Look, I don't want to put
a rat in your face-cage,

or whatever you kids say nowadays,

but Zapp's using mom to get to me,

and I'm going to prove it!

Kif, I'm bored.

What say you go out on the wing

and pretend you're a gremlin?

(Sighs)

Well, if it isn't

my second favorite Turanga girl.

Hi, Zapp. I was wondering
if you'd like

to have dinner tonight
with me and my mom.

You know, to celebrate
your genuine love for her.

Sounds good.

And don't forget my genuine love
for par-me-zian cheese.

Shall we say about 7:58?

Precisely?

Nice to see you, Zapp.

Well, nice to see a surprising
amount of you, too, Leela.

Is Munda here?

Mommy's not home, big boy.

We both know you're just
using her to get to me.

So let's do it... right here
by the front door at 7:59.

Leela, does your mother know
you're using her pole?

(Grunts)

Come on, I'm all yours!

Have your way with me
for the next 30 seconds.

That would be more
than enough time...

But I can't.
I love Munda.

I love everything about her:

Her laugh, her maturity,

the cold, lifeless touch
of her tentacle on my body.

She is one juicy calamari.

Munda:
Oh, Zapp...

I love you, too.

(Gasps)
Oh, squiddums!

I've been thinking about this
for a while, and, well...

Here in front of your
half-naked daughter

seems like the perfect time.

Darling...

Will I marry you?

Of course, I'll marry you, Zapp.

I, uh, think a motel room
might be in order.

Leela, here's $40.

Mom, don't do this.

Zapp is a selfish, womanizing idiot.

There's no need to
call me names, Leela.

Just call me...

"Daddy."

(Screams)

Mom, if you try to marry Zapp,

I will shove you
into a filthy nursing home

so fast you won't know what hit you.

Probably, it'll be a filthy nurse.

Leela, you're my daughter
and I love you, but cram it!

Morris:
Is this a bad time?

I was riding the el torito
dinner backwash,

and I thought I'd pop in.

Oh, thank God you're here.

If we don't do something,

mom's going to marry Zapp Brannigan!

So? He seems like a nice kahuna.

Dad, stop being so mellow.

Leela, honey, chill out.

You got to take the good
with the gnarly.

Speaking of which, time for me
to sh**t the ihop dessert curl.

(Wave splashes)

(Groans)

Oh, you sure you won't come
to your mom's wedding?

There'll be
"chicken or fish, circle one."

I can't.

Not when I believe with all my heart

that this marriage is a mistake.

I know you're upset
that your parents broke up.

But what if Zapp really
does make Munda happy?

What if they're meant to be together?

Fry, that's just so...

I can't even believe...

You are so totally...

Right.

You're right.

I am? Huh.

Maybe Zapp isn't the only one
who's marriage material.

You're getting there.

(Grunting)

Leela?

You look beautiful, mom.

Really?

I'm not showing too much
sucker for a lady my age?

Just the right amount.

You'll make a lovely bride.

Oh, mom...

I'm sorry I've been
so horrible to you.

Ah, you weren't so horrible.

Just enough to show you care.

♪

At ease, darling.

Honored guests...
And Kif.

One of a captain's many superpowers

is the ability to conduct marriage.

So I will now join myself
in holy macaroni.

Kif, raise the ceremonial mirror.

Zapp, you magnificent bastard,

do you take Munda
to be your lawful...

(Alarms whoop)

Alien ships approaching, sir.

It's the Carcarons!
Oh, meatballs.

I forgot they were coming
to sign the peace treaty today.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my blushing translator and I

have business to tend to.

In the meantime,

enjoy the comic stylings
of Nixon and Agnew.

Oh, Mr. Agnew?

(Monster-like grunting)

Munda, tell the Admiral

that by signing this peace treaty,

we will achieve harmony
between our worlds.

Zapp, honey,
this is the wrong document.

It's not a peace treaty.

It says they're declaring w*r on us.

Brilliant, isn't I?

The moment they sign,
we destroy their fleet

in one glorious burst of
quote-unquote "self-defense."

Up high, Mrs. Brannigan.

Don't leave me hanging,
Mrs. Brannigan.

I come from the sewer,
but that is low.

I'm not going to translate your lies.

Munda, dear, as your captain
and soon-to-be husband,

I gave you an order.

Now, let's tell these vicious lies

and get back to our sacred vows.

There's not going to be any wedding.

I don't want your fancy ring.

Careful! That's glass!

Leela was right.

You're a lousy man
and a lousy captain.

And I'm going to tell our
Carcaron friends the truth.

(Speaking alien language)

Zapp... lying sack of...

(Speaking alien language)

Well, this is awkward.

Our Carcaron friends declared w*r.

Then, once again, my lies
have been proven true.

(expl*si*n, screams)

We're under att*ck
and the wedding's off.

Kif, return fire and the cake.

Our weapons are disabled,

and you can't return ice cream cakes!

We're doomed!

(Clattering)

Stop the wedding!

(Gasping, exclaiming)
Morris?

I'm not giving up the love
of my life without a fight.

(Grunts)

Do I know you?
(Groans)

Dad?

I thought you were all zen

with mom getting remarried.

I was at first.

But then I conquered my inner peace.

If you care about something,
you've got to take action.

Harsh, violent action!

(Screaming)

Kif, get us out of here.

Navigation is out.

We're sitting ducks.

Is there an auxiliary control system?

Yes, outside on the hull.

But there are 20
separate control keys.

No one could work them well enough

to ride out these energy waves.

No one?

It's time to hang 20!

Munda:
Morris!

What are you doing?
Hold on to your coconuts.

We're going for
the ride of a lifetime!

♪

but I thought you were
terrified of outer space.

I was, but then it hit me.

If heaven's above us,

then the whole universe
is just God's glorious sewer.

(Grunting)

Hang on, sweetie!

(Alarm blaring)

What do we do?
Who do we blame?

We don't blame anyone.

We make peace.

One word can end this.

Then say it.

No, you say it.

(Clears throat)

(Speaks alien language)

(Grunts in agreement)

This actual peace treaty
is hereby enacted.

Agnew, give it
your stamp of approval.

(Grunts)

(Cheering)

What do you say, sewer plum?

Want to give it another go?

Well, I am still in my wedding dress.

And we still have a cake.

Uh, half a cake.

(Belches)

Very well.

Morris, Munda...

I now pronounce you man and wife.

May I kiss the bride?

(Grunts)

Congratulations.