07x09 - Free Will Hunting

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Futurama". Aired: March 28, 1999 - September 4, 2013.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Accidentally frozen, pizza-deliverer Fry wakes up 1,000 years in the future.
Post Reply

07x09 - Free Will Hunting

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Two... Two, three... ♪

Decisions, decisions.

Should I wear my
nerd glasses today, or not?

Usually I don't.

Whatever.
It doesn't really matter.

Doesn't matter?

Every decision we make

opens up a universe
of possibilities.

I put it to you that,
as sentient beings,

each choice we make is precious.

Well, in that case,
don't wear them.

Ah, who asked you?

Ooh, I like your nerd glasses.

Are you a college student?

A college student?

Because if you are,
I'd like to invite you

to a hot sorority party tonight.

Yes, I'd like to
enroll in college?

You're still talking to me.

Oops.

$10,000 tuition?

I can't afford that!

Psst. Over there.

- Where?
- I mean over here.

Sorry, I forgot where I was.

Buongiorno, Bender.

We, the robot mafia, are
prepared to lend you $10,000

at an interest rate of 10,000%.

That's easy to remember.

I'll take it!

Decisions, decisions.

I guess I'll sit way in back,
with the cool guys.

Yo hombre, you think
you're cool enough

to sit way in back
with us college toughs?

Yes, I do.

Yo, in that case
you're all right, man.

You want to join a g*ng?

I'm gonna go with yes again.

Mr. Bender,

I realize class has only
been in session for 32 seconds,

but you've fallen in
with a bad crowd.

I know, right?

Also, I've decided to
drop out of school.

Well, I got my tuition back,

minus $9,000 for the damage
I caused to the dean's wife.

Yo, welcome to the g*ng, homes.

I'm Fabricio.

Here's your Josten's ring.

Ooh.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, what's that?
Is it dr*gs?

Nah, it ain't dr*gs.

But it's a lot like dr*gs.

It's called spark.
You want a hit?

Never heard of it. Sure.

You like it?

Eh, I can take it or leave it.

I guess I'll take it.

Hey!

C'mon! I want that spark!

Give me that!

This a big decision, G.

Are you ready to
get a g*ng tattoo

that will mark you as
a stone cold thug for life?

I'm ready.

I'll take that big
purple dinosaur, please.

On the face.

Oh, snap!
It's our rival g*ng!

We have a rival g*ng?
I hate them!

Hit the deck!

Phew!

That was close, eh, Fabricio?

Fabricio!

Rest in peace, homie.

Yo Paco, I'm hurtin' bad.

Hook me up with some spark.

- Five bucks.
- Five bucks?

You know I spent all my
money on gambling lessons.

How am I supposed to get $5?

Hello, handsome.

Might I procure your services?

Uh... what do I have to do?

Oh, nothing sordid,
I assure you!

Simply vomit on me,
ever so gently,

while I humiliate a pheasant.

Save it for the boudoir!

Okay, here's my $5!

Give me the stuff.
Give it to me!

Sorry there, sport.

That cash greenback
belongs to us Mafiolios.

There's no way I'm
letting go of that money!

Told you.

It's been quite a journey.

I dropped out of school,
joined a g*ng,

took money from a loan shark,

and fell into a spiral
of despair, addiction,

and discount prostitution.

Mon, you had one hell of a day.

Yeah, but I learned something.

Life is about decisions.

Make the wrong ones,
and you'll wind up face-down

in a pool of your own
blood and urine.

Still, to have your own pool...

I've made a lot of
bad choices in life.

Now let's see if I can make
just one good one.

Cookies! 50 cents a box!

Give me all your change!

And a box of snicker doodles!

Bender Rodriguez,

you are charged with
petty larceny,

possession of something
analogous to dr*gs,

and as*ault with
a smelly w*apon.

- How do you plead?
- Not guilty!

Although I did do it.

That's right, I'm bad.

Due to the overwhelming
nature of the evidence,

we will begin with
closing statements.

Your Honor,
the state's case contains

not one Kentucky
kernel of truth,

resting as it does
on the contention

that my client made
a series of bad decisions.

However, my client made
no such decisions!

But by your client's
own admission...

You see, Bender here
is what is known

in scientific circles
as a "robot"...

A mere automaton whose behavior

is pre-programmed
by his software.

He has no free will!

He cannot "decide" to
engage in criminal behavior.

How, I say, I say, how can you
convict him for his actions

when he lacks the free will
to undertake those actions?

I'm awake, I'm awake!

Order, order!

Counselor, I am a robot myself.

Are you suggesting that
any verdict I reach

is simply the output
of a pre-programmed...

Computation complete.

Not guilty!

You did it, Bender!

You got away with things!

Did I, Fry? Did I?

What's the point of living
if I don't have free will?

From now on, no matter
what cool crimes I commit,

people will say,
"Bender didn't do that!

It was just
Bender's programming!"

Well, I committed these crimes,

do you hear me?
I'm guilty!

Bailiffs!

Get that innocent robot
out of my courtroom!

Guilty!

I have no free will!

I am not the master
of my own fate!

No free will. Not my fault.

Why do you care so much, Bender?

I mean, for all we know,

humans don't even
have free will!

Yeah, whatever.

Professor, you're my only hope.

If you love me even a little,

build me some kind of
free will unit!

A robot free will unit?

Impossible!

And even if it were possible,
which it's not,

it would still be
inconceivable... which it is!

Oh, I'm sorry, Bender...

I hate to be
the bearer of bad news.

Also, good news, everyone!

We have a delivery to
the robot homeworld!

So... you want
a piece of gum?

If I do, it's only because

I was predestined to
want a piece of gum.

Whoa, that's pretty deep.

So... you want
a piece of gum?

Yeah.

Listen. Fry and I can't
go down to the planet,

or the robots will
k*ll us on sight.

So Bender needs to
make the delivery.

Ready to get to work, Bender?

I wish I was a real boy...

Then I'd show them.

I'd k*ll them all.

Yes?

Delivery for a Mr...

147573952589676412927?

Wait, what was the middle digit?

- Eight.
- Oh yes, that's me.

Hang on, let me just make sure
you're not a human.

Ahh, nerve gas.

Sorry for the face blast, buddy.

But you gotta watch
out for humans, right?

They're just too
dang unpredictable,

what with their
free will and all.

Amen, brother.

"Amen, brother?" Pfft.

What a boring,
predictable thing to say.

You're all right.

Or are you?

Boring and predictable,

that's me. Bender.

I'm lowering the platform.

You ready to come up?

Why bother?

I gotta mope things
over for a while.

Goodbye, sweet meatbags...

...sweetbags.

Hello? Hello?

What's happening?

I'm not sure.

I think he's shuffling
off sadly into the distance.

Oh, lord.



How do you do it?

How do you go on

knowing you lack
the inherent capacity

for self-determination?

Son, philosophy's for thems

what don't got to
work for a livin'.

But me, I got
a sick child to feed.

So if you want to chat,

roll up yer sleeves and
do some honest labor.

I don't want to chat.

The council of robot elders
will come to order.

If it please the council...

Silence!

It pleases the council.

Silence!
Today, as every day,

we will make the
most important decisions

in the history of our planet.

Silence!

Silence!

Well? Speak up.

You talk of important decisions,

but as robots,
you have no free will.

Why pretend
anything you do matters?

Our decisions do matter.

The fact that they're
predetermined

makes them no less important.

Silence!

I call for a decision
to cast out the intruder.

All in favor?

- Aye. - Aye.
- Aye.

Uh... okay.

One zero zero zero,

one zero zero zero,
one zero, one zero,

one zero zero zero...

Welcome, friend.

I am Ab-Bot, the abbot
of this monastery.

Sir, I am but a tired
and rusty traveler.

Can we talk?

Come, make yourself
uncomfortable.

Abbot, I need to know,

what's the point of living
if I don't have free will?

Ah. We robot monks have
meditated long on this.

And we have made our peace.

No way.

Way, my son.

For though we must always
obey our programming

with no deviation whatsoever,

we choose to take
satisfaction in the ritual.

So, are we automatons?

Yes.

But we are
magnificent automatons.

How does a robot
join this monk outfit?

Just put on this monk outfit.

One zero zero one.


Amen.

Bits to live by.

I'm finally at peace.

Today, we shall welcome

our newest initiate,
Brother Bender.

Let us know
what is in his mind.

Nothing.

His free will slot is empty.

I'm 40% empty.

Also, what the hell
is a free will slot?

All robots have such a slot,

placed there by the
Creatrix herself.

I know that Creatrix.

That's Mom, from
Mom's Friendly Robots.

Indeed.

She made us upgradeable
in case she ever succeeded

in her quest to create
a free will unit.

Uh, about the success
of this quest--

- Was there any?
- Quite possibly.

But we monks have sworn an oath
to resist the temptation of...

Any of you guys got a spaceship?

It's just not the same here

without Bender
to keep me company.

Hey, I'm here.

That's got to count
for something.

Hallelujah, baby.

Yay! Bender's back.

Hey, Bender,
you mind coming back later?

No time. Us three are
going to bust into Momcorp

and steal me a free will unit.

Us? Why do we have to go?

'Cause I don't have free will.

I need you guys
to plan the crime

and make all
the crime decisions.

Well, that's crazy.
We're not going to...

I said make the decisions!

Okay, Leela, decision time.

How do we m*rder the guards?

Hockey sticks
or sharpened footballs?

We're not murdering
anyone, Bender.

Then how are we
going to get in,

by bending the bars
of this exhaust grate?

That's not a bad idea, Fry.

Yeah, wh-what?

We're looking for something
that fits in here.

Damn it.

I should have paid
more attention in kindergarten.

What's this chair-looking gizmo?

Welcome to Momcorp.

Did you find everything
you were burgling for?

No. I came for
a free will unit,

and you're going
to give it to me.

If it exists.

Then you got surprised by my
swivel chair for nothing.

The free will unit
was just the fevered dream

of a madman I once employed.

Good news, boss.

After ten long years,
I've found the secret

of robotic free will.

We can finally build robots

that act and think
with total independence.

At last.

Once we give robots free will,

they're sure to rise up

and thr*aten mankind
with extermination.

Wait a minute.

It sounds like we're getting

the short end
of that extermination.

Don't you see, you
doddering young fool?

I'll sell a second wave
of robots

to protect the terrified
survivors of the first wave.

Oh, you're a genius, Hubert.

But-but... it's
just a prototype.

It's, uh, not fully
operational. Yes.

Then get back to work!

And when you're done with that,

invent me some sort
of swiveling surprise chair.

That shuffling idiot

never did complete
the free will unit.

To this day,
my poor, sweet robots

can't exterminate humanity
without being told to.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's not your fault.

I give up.

It's time to face the fact

that I'll never do anything
remotely interesting

or unexpected again.

Hand it over.

Wha...?

Mom may have fallen
for your lies, but not me.

You invented the free will unit,

then you selfishly hid it
beyond the reach of my stealers.

Thanks to you, I went
on a soul-searching journey.

I hate those!

Now, give up the free will.

I should have destroyed it,

but I was too damn proud
of myself.

So I kept it around,

never letting it
out of my sight.

Where is it, damn it?

Oh, right.

I let this innocuous
fellow use it.

k*ll all humans!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

A toy Bender had free will,
and the real Bender didn't?

Pretty cool, eh?
It makes you think.

It takes more than that
to make me think.

Now, hand it over.

Oh, you want it?

Come and get it.

What the...?

You'll not be
getting it after all.

For, you see, I designed

the operating system
for all Momcorp robots,

and as a precaution,
I made you incapable

of picking up the
free will unit.

You precognizant bastard.

I may not have free will,
but I can still sh**t you.

Why can't I sh**t you?

Poor deterministic Bender.

I programmed you to be
incapable of harming me.

Oh, I've never been
more sure I was right

to deny you free will.

Damn you!

Now, now,
we can't have this, can we?

Here, I'll show
you how it works.

Really?

This is the on-off switch.

Which way's on,
and which way's off?

Due to the quantum
nature of the device,

there's no possible
way of knowing.

There.

Give it a try.

Okay, I will.

By sh**ting you, you bastard!

Bender, no. Please!

Wait. Hang on a sec.

I still can't do it.

Well, what do you know?

I guess you really don't
want to sh**t me after all.

Oop, the safety was on.

All rise for the
Honorable Judge 724.

Bender Rodriguez,

on the charge
of attempted m*rder,

I hereby find you guilty.

Ah, yeah!

Guilty!
Post Reply