07x16 - T.: The Terrestrial

[bunniefuu]

♪ Two... two, three... ♪

7x16
T. The Terrestrial

ANNOUNCER: (on TV)
Coming this fall.

Some cops can read minds.

Did you do it or not?
I'm not a mind reader.

Some cops can see the past.

I could solve this crime

if only I had personally
watched it happen.

And some cops
get help from angels.

Come on, Gabriel,
you must have seen something!

Nah, man, I ain't seen
nothing for no cop.

But there's still one cop

with no special abilities
whatsoever.

Ah, there's only one way to know
who committed this crime.

I'll just have to... find out.

Detective Klaus Mandela is...

This truly is
the golden age of television.

Hey, Papa, want to help
me earn a merit badge?

Hmm? Sorry, son.

Right now, NBC needs my love
more than you do.

(sighs)

Lrrr!

Either help the boy, or go
outside and degauss the lawn!

Oh, very well.

Merit badges.

Ah, this brings me back.

Oh, Bone Whittling.

I used to love that.

Patricide.

Well, let's work
up to that one.

How about Skull Arranging?

That is for Grrrl Scouts!

Men bring the skulls
home, women arrange them.

I'm gonna help you
earn a manly badge.

Planetary Invasion!

(groans)
Ah.

But that's really hard.

Hard shmard.

I'll let you inv*de the easiest
planet in the whole galaxy.

PROFESSOR:
Good news, everyone!

I'm in terrible pain.

- How is that good news?
- It's not.

I've run out of Good News brand
herbal supplement.

If you don't get me
more Good News, everyone,

my arthritis will make me seize
up like a dried monkey carcass.

I've seen those.

In the Great Monkey Desert.

(TV turns on)

MORBO:
We interrupt your TV being off

for this special bulletin.

An alien saucer has been
detected en route to Earth.

We now go live
to the White House lawn,

where such things usually land.

Go on.

Ring the bell and inv*de them.

(doorbell rings)

Yes?

Um, hi?

I-I'm Jrrr, of the planet
Omicron Persei 8.

Uh, what's that?
Speak up, son.

Don't look at me.

You're invading him.

I just wanted to know-- well,
I'm here to inv*de your planet?

(both laughing)

Oh, what a cute little...

(g*n powering up)

Uh-oh.

Brannigan!

Get out here and surrender

before I get my
expletives deleted!

And Earth is yours.

So, sire, how may I please you?

Go ahead.

His bowels aren't
gonna disem themselves.

Can't we just go?

Mm-mm.

Not until
you blow something up.

Aw, man.

Uh... uh...

Just pick something
and blow it up

so I can get home in time
for The Finder-Outer.

Oh...

(screams)

What the...?

All right, good enough.

Let's go.

He k*lled
my second-to-last Agnew.

Rosemary!

Sweep the booze bottles
off my desk!

I'm addressing the planet.

ROSEMARY:
First, brush your teeth!

Yeah, yeah.

My fellow Earthicans,

a great American monster
has been silenced.

Clone of Agnew is gone,

k*lled in his clomping shoes
by ruthless Omicronians.

But we're gonna get even,
by golly.

Aw, crap,
he's on every channel!

Effective immediately,
I'm calling for

a planetary embargo
against Omicron Persei 8.

Where's my Hot in Cleveland?

All trade with the Omicronians
stops today.

And that includes
cultural exports.

Cultural?

I'm talking about TV!

Nixon out!

Arroooo...!

No...!

NIXON:
...oooo...!

(TV turns off)

Well, I never liked going
to Omicron Persei 8 anyway.

If we want to breathe sulfuric
acid and get our heads torn off

by giant lizards, we can always
go to Gary, Indiana.

Even I would never send you
to Gary, Indiana.

But I am sending you
to Omicron Persei 8.

(all grumbling)

Oh, my gosh, are you kidding?!

You see, the active ingredient
in my Good News

herbal supplement grows only
on Omicron Persei 8.

And due to the embargo,
the only place to get it

is straight from the source.

The deadly, deadly source.

I will not endanger this crew
for some quack remedy.

Ha! The Sacred Weed of
Omicron is a serious herb.

Sacred Weed you say?

(sniffs)

Sweet toke of Ocracoke,
this stuff's the Omichronic!

To the ship!

We can't get through.

The planet's blockaded.

That won't stop us.

Activate cloaking device.

There's no such thing.

Then engage deflector shields.

That's from TV, Geordi.

Well, what sort of
stealth technology do we have?

A can of paint.

(can rattling)

(computer beeping)

Sir, there's an Omicronian ship

requesting safe passage home.

Home, eh?
That's where I live.

Let them through the blockade.

Okay, buddy up
and look out for Omicronians.

It's up to everyone to get
their partner back alive.

Fry, you go with Bender.

Amy, with Leela.

And I'll go with...

Screwed again, my friend.

(quiet ethereal humming)

Hey, Bender,
you better check your ass.

I think
it's leaking enchantment.

That's not enchantment,
it's the herbs!

Bender's electric field

is activating their
bioluminescence.

ALL:
Whoa!

We'll need scientific samples.

Everyone, start filling
these dime bags.

(gasps)

Whoa, a palace!

Parapets, battlements,

everything my Big Book
of Castles promised.

I'm gonna sneak a closer look.

Bender, you'll let me know if
we have to cheese it, right?

First Law of Robotics, baby.

(vehicles approaching)

(gasps)

Five-O, five-O!

Five what?

Five Omicronians!

Everyone, grab your buddy
and get back to the ship!

Coming through!

Is everyone on board?

I got my buddy.

Hermes is my buddy.

Bender, where's Fry?

I saw him in the, uh, kitchen.

With Dinah.

You know, the dyno-matic
food-service robot.

Let's go already!

(g*ns clicking)

I smell the stink
of Earth humans.

Fan out!

They got away, Your Scaliness.

We must have just missed them.

The ground is still warm.

(whimpers quietly, gulps)

I want my Earth shows!

These local programs
are completely unwatchable.

(grunting)

(canned laughter)

Hey, Pops, want to
play skull ball?

I'm watching something here.

(sighs)

(Fry sneezes)

(clattering) Hello?

FRY:
Ow!

Uh, y-you can come out.

Don't be s-scared.

(crickets chirping)

(chewing)

Mmm.

(both scream)

You're an alien?

Do you speak English?

English?

You must be a terrestrial

from that Earth ship
they were hunting.

Don't worry, I won't hurt you.

Hey, thanks.

You want some candy?

Ew. You were
eating my turds?

Feces pieces?

Blech!

You must be hungry.

Really hungry.

Come inside, I'll feed you.

Okay, but I'm kind of picky.

I'm gonna call you "T."

For terrestrial?

No, "turd-eater."

But I have to hide you
from my dad.

He's really mad at humans

(mocking) 'cause he can't
watch television.

(gasps) Your dad must be Lrrr!

BOTH: "Ruler of the
planet Omicron Persei 8."

(both laugh)

He's a terrible father.

Bender, do you
know where Fry is?

I haven't seen him since we got
back from Omicron Persei 8.

Fry? Uh, you just
missed him.

He went out to buy you flowers.

Whatever kind you like best.

'Cause he loves you and crap.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Thanks, Bender.

Dude!

That herb you scored cleared up
my arthritis and my glaucoma.

Have you seen Fry?

Fry? Uh, he, uh,

went to get you a burrito
at the gas station.

Awesome.

You got to love a dude
that brings the munchie.

Fry is one guy I'd
definitely never abandon.

(evil chuckle)

(moans sadly)

This is my fleam.

You use it to peel the skin
off your enemies

layer by layer
till they die or whatever.

Neat! Hey, you know
who would love fleaming stuff?

My friend Bender,

who I'll never see again.

Aw, you're homesick,
aren't you, T.?

Mmm-hm. I miss Earth,
and I'm still hungry.

Do you have any
more of that candy?

No, but I have a toy Earth.

Home.

I didn't abandon you!

You wandered off!

Stop judging me, Fry-bed!

(grunting)

Oh, it's just not the same

without the muffled screams.

If only I could hear
your voice again.

(gasps)

(click, beep)

Hello, it's me, Fry!

I'm not here right now,

'cause we're out getting drunk
at the Olive Garden.

So just leave a message

for myself or Bender
after the tone.

See you!

(beeps, clicks)

Awww.

(knocking)

LEELA:
Fry? Are you home?

We're supposed to have a date at
the adults-only pancake house.

Of course he's here
and not on another planet!

(nervous groaning)

Ooh.

In fact, he's about to
talk to you right now.

Oh, good.
(clicks)

Hello, it's me, Fry.

I'm... drunk... right now.

So just leave.

Okay...

I love you.

Olive... you.

(beeps)

(evil chuckle)

And finally, our new employee
of the month is Fry.

He's really been putting
his nose to the grindstone,

according to Bender's
constant updates.

He's been working so hard,
we barely even see him.

It's strange, that.

There's nothing strange
about it.

He's just out of sight

around this corner,
exterminating mice.

(rewinding, beeps)

Mice... Mice...

Myself... Elf...

- Elf.
- Oops.

Elves are back.

T. text home?

Sorry, boy.

'Cause of the embargo,

our planets aren't allowed
to communicate.

Update Facebook status home?

(sighs)

Look, my scout manual

has a section
on emergency communication.

Maybe we can rig something up.

Would you like that, boy?

Huh? Would you, boy?

(panting)

(squeals happily)

Watch out!

BOTH:
Whoa!

(grunting)

Sorry.

This planet has a moon problem.

So what makes this thing fly?

It's powered by love.

Aww.

Okay, stop loving me
so much so we can land.

No problem.

Okay, this tech dump

has every kind of high-tech
communications device.

Using all of them, I'm sure
I can get a message home.

(groaning)

There. Finished.

(chugging)

Oh, God, I can't believe
I abandoned Fry.

I'll never forget the feel
of his soft skin

against my flailing fists.

(sobbing)

Oh, wait, there's still
some beer left.

(slurping)

Huh?

(gasps)
"S.O.S."?

Those are the letters
that Fry knows!

He's alive!

(grunting)

Yeah?

(screaming)

LRRR: Jrrr, how do I watch
a funny on the YouTube?

It's my dad.

Quick, hide!

(grunts)

(door opens)

What's going on in here?

Uh, nothing.

I was just playing foosball.

By myself.

I thought I told you
to k*ll those foos.

(rustling)

Hmm, let's just have a look
in the toy closet, shall we?

Skull, skull, skull,

skull, skull... wait.

Why haven't you
fleamed this skull?

(whimpers) Hi, Mr. Lrrr.
(screams)

(groans)

Hey,

you're one of those Earth spies

from that Earth ship,
aren't you?

(gulps)

Are you going to k*ll me?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Jrrr is.

BENDER:
Three... two... one.

Hang on Fry,
I'm a-comin' to save you!

(clicking)
You are... my... here... o.

(beeps)
Shut up, Fry, I know it.

It's a nice day.

We'll take him out to the yard,
and after you sh**t him,

we'll play catch
with his bladder.

But I can't.

He's my pet.

You sh*t your hamster.

I told you, that was su1c1de.

(groaning)

He looks kind of sick.

What have you been feeding him?

Uh, some stuff I made.

Whatever.

It's time I made
a man out of you.

Right here, today,

while I'm not missing
anything good on TV.

Now get in there
and sh**t your beloved pet!

(crying)
I guess this is good-bye.

(g*n clicks)

It's okay, Jrrr.

The week I spent hiding
in your closet,

eating your turds,
was the best week of my life.

Aah!

(sizzling)

Run, boy! Run!

He's escaping on a bicycle
powered by love.

Which is an ordinary thing
on this planet.

(panting)

They're getting away.

Love harder!

We can't, sir.

The men have been hurt
too often.

(screaming)

We did it!

We're home free!

Yes, but...

(coughing) I'm dying.

Not 'cause of the turds.

Can I have a turd?

Just rest.

I'm gonna get you to a vet.

_

(groaning)

I am Drrr, doctor of the planet
Omicron Persei 8.

It appears you may have
ingested something toxic.

Open your mouth
and say "ahhhh!"

(weakly) - Ahhhh.
- Good God!

Here, take some of this herb
to ease the pain.

Can you save him?

I could, but he'd only live
another 80 years at most.

The humane thing is
to put him to sleep.

Oh!

Stop!

I won't let you do it!

Dad?

Because you have to do it.

Be a man for once and fleam
this wretched creature.

I won't.

I'm not exactly like you, okay?

I don't want to conquer planets
or k*ll things,

or wear a lame cape.

It's not lame, it's lamé.

And this thing lying on the bed?

He may be a weird skin ball
full of love

and some kind of red juice--

which is delicious, by the way;

I've been drinking it
every day--

but we're friends.

And I will not k*ll him.

You know,

standing up to me
is pretty manly.

I'll tell you what, sport.

I'll k*ll him for you.

DRRR:
Good news!

Nobody has to k*ll him
after all.

Because he already d*ed!

(gasps) T.!

(sobbing)

(both sobbing)

Son...

I didn't mean it about the cape.

Capes are cool!

(high-pitched humming)

(gasps) He's alive.

At least his butt is.

(Bender grunting)

Fry?

Bender.

I knew you wouldn't abandon
me for much more than a week.

What's happening?

Why is his butt glowing?

The electromagnetic intensity

of the robot's friendship
is causing the herbs

in his bowels
to bioluminesce with love.

Probably.

That's right, ugly.

I'm here to take
my friend home.

Whoa, is that a fleam?

But, T., can't you stay with me?

We could grow up together.

No. I need to grow up
on my own planet.

I must bid you farewell,
my special friend.

What the hell's
been going on around here?

Ah, Fry!

You've been working so hard,
we haven't seen you in days.

Wait, what?

No, I was stuck
on... Ow!

Stuck on another delivery
that he undertook on his own.

We're all very lucky
and not suspicious to have him.

Hey, Fry,

things sure have been
going great between us.

Remember that make out
session in that dark closet?

You were like a machine.

But I...

Olive... you.

(rewinding) It's me, Fry!

(beeps) It sure is.