01x04 - Feast of St. Francis

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

JOEL: Bucky, may he be
blessed by our creator

who knows every creature by name.

And may you and Christa

enjoy your days together
in peace and love.

Amen.

(LAUGHS) Bye, Christa.

Hey, Brice. Who do we have here?

- Ooh.
- Ding-a-ling passed away last night.

Aw.

I'm really sorry, Brice.

God, hold Ding-a-ling
in your heavenly hands.

We pray today for Brice,

and remember all of
the wonderful memories

that he and Ding-a-ling shared.

Amen.

Bye, Brice. (SOFT LAUGH)

All right. Tony Curtis the hamster.

We got bad blood from last year,

but I'm gonna still give him a blessing.

(LIGHT THEME PLAYING)

(CLUCKING)

(RUSTLING)

(TYPING)

(SPOON CLINKS)

- (SIGHS) Hey, Dad. Can I join you?
- Hm.

- Suit yourself.
- (CHAIR SLIDES OUT)

(SIGHS)

Um, Tricia and I were talking and, um...

there's no money to hire
the guys this year, Dad.

I'm really sorry.

You know, uh,

you and your sister don't run things.

Well...

Tricia suggested that we
use a custom combine company.

Tricia is not a farmer.

True.

Those Kinley clowns, they
call me every year. I...

I can't pay for-for that!

And on top of what your
mother's place costs, I...

I just can't do it. I mean...

I'll figure something out.

(QUIET CHATTER)

Oh, hey, Joel! Um...

Can you stop by my office later today?

- Yeah. Okay. (LAUGHS)
- Okay.

Hey, there you are. (INDISTINCT)

- Joel, your neck is really red.
- Hmm.

Yeah. I think Pastor Deb
knows about choir practice.

sh*t.

Well, isn't she, like, sort of new?

Just tell her the last
pastor said it was okay.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't want...

- Does this go all the way around?
- Mm-hmm.

- It goes all over.
- Oh.

I'm glad we get an actual date night.

Not trying to be a jerk. I love Sam,

- but we're never...
- SAM: Hey, guys.

This working before work
sh*t is not working for me.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I
interrupt something?

No, we were just talking
about going to Bull and Bear.

- Bull and Bear? Gross.
- (LAUGHS)

Sure, why not?

Oh, I guess... I guess it's a date then.

All right, cool.

- See you there.
- MICHAEL: Okay.

What's up with him?

Nothing. (SIGHS) What's up with you?

Ugh. My dad needs help
with the corn harvest.

He has no money, one good foot.

How the f*ck does he think
that's gonna work? Jesus.

Maybe Fred could help you
over at the Ag College or...

Oh. That's a great idea. I
forgot he worked up there.

- You know your neck's all red, right?
- Mm.

Gotta go to Wax World, see Mindy.

She's the absolute best.

I see Mindy at church.
I don't want her seeing...

Stop.

You know, I don't do it for
Coop. He could care less.

I do it for me.

- All right, done. So how long did that one take?
- Oh, uh...

Five minutes, seconds.

Darn.

Well, guess I'll have to finish
all of these at home tonight.

You know, I'd love to
help, but I gotta...

I gotta go by Mary
Ann's, get the meatballs,

I gotta go to RiteSpot Liquors,

- and I gotta pick up more Sternos, so...
- No worries.

- I can totally handle this.
- You got it!

- We got this, girl!
- Have a good night.

(QUIET MUMBLING)

(RATTLING)

(SIGHS)

Oh...

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Fred!

- Hey.
- There she is. Hi, kid.

All right, Nelson, I'll see you in lab.

I got some nitrifying
bacteria to show you

that's gonna warp your mind.
All right, get outta here.

See you later, buddy.

Cute kid. Um...

Hey...

Professor... Doctor... Fred Rococo.

- That's right. Prof. Dr. Fred Rococo.
- (LAUGHS)

Walk me to class. I got a second.

Uh, thanks for meeting with me. Um...

Look, I was wondering
if there's any kind of...

Ag program where you could
send the kids to the farm,

and they work for free.

Always want the kids to work for free.

- Well, they're young.
- I know.

Well, my first thought is field studies,

but the problem there
is Professor Jankowski.

- What's his deal?
- Wow!

I cannot believe you
just assumed he was a man!

Oh...

f*ck. sh*t, I'm sorry.

Well, you're a good guesser.

Women are woefully underrepresented

in the agricultural sciences.

I got you there for a second, didn't I?

- You thought I was going to give a sh*t.
- (LAUGHS) I did.

- Don't worry about it. Take a deep breath.
- Okay.

Hi, Professor Rococo.

- Professor Dr. Fred Rococo!
- (SAM LAUGHS)

And Jankowski's deal?

He's a prick, but I've
come up with a workaround.

An extra credit program
for my grad students.

They work your harvest, and I teach them

about real-world conditions
facing independent farmers.

It's good for your pops,
and it's good for them.

- I mean, that would be amazing. Thank you so much.
- Yeah?

All right, then we're
gonna make it happen.

All right, this is me. Do I
know how to time it or what?

- Yeah. (LAUGHS)
- All right. Good to see you.

Yeah, you, too. Thanks, Fred.

Here you go, Sam.

- Hear Shannon's applying to colleges.
- Yeah!

- Yeah, Rick was the order ahead of you, so...
- Rick?!

- Oh, sh*t. I gotta go!
- (TIRES SCREECH)

♪ ♪

You in some kind of rush, fuckbag?

What the...

What the f*ck's he doing?

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

- sh*t.
- (SHUTS DOOR)

(TURNS OFF ENGINE)

Trick or treat, m*therf*cker.

(DOOR BEEPING)

What the f*ck, Rick?

- What are you doing out here?
- What? You're following me!

That's right. I'm onto you, dude.

I know everything.

Everything!

sh*t. Don't... Please don't tell Tricia.

What the f*ck, Rick!

What am I supposed to
do? Not tell my sister

that her husband's a
f*cking drug dealer?

I... W... Well...

Oh my God. What is it?
Is it Oxy? Fentanyl?

And do not insult me by
lying to me right now, Rick!

Uh, it was stupid.

I just, uh...

Money's really tight, and-and I
gotta pay for Shannon's college.

- And... and a guy at work knew a guy...
- Oh, f*ck you. Just...

- Stop this right now! Otherwise...
- I... I swear!

I swear on Shannon's life,

I... I will never sell
dr*gs again. I swear.

All right, good.

But just know that I'm
f*ckin' watching you.

- Do not f*ckin' slip.
- Okay.

- Now, move your f*ckin' van.
- Okay.

And stop your f*ckin' crying.
Get in the f*ckin' car!

- Let's go! I mean...
- Okay. Okay.

Jesus Christ, dr*gs, Rick?
What the f*ck were you thinking?

- I swear! I swear!
- God!

Okay, thank you.

- Oh, shut the f*ck up, and just get outta here!
- Thank you!

- (ROCK MUSIC)
- SAM: Rick looked like he was gonna sh*t his pants!

- (LAUGHS)
- (HATCHET THUDS)

Oh, it was wonderful.

I basically saved my sister's marriage.

Not that she'll ever know. Bitch.

Hey.

Getting a little... lonely at the table.

Can you come sit with me?

I gotta pee. You take my turn.

Wait, I...

(BAR CHATTER)

- Hey.
- (CLEARS THROAT)

- This is fun, right? (LAUGHS)
- Yeah.

You know, I may just be
overly sensitive,

but is there, like, some tension here?

'Cause I'm a little...

socially out of practice
or whatever, and, like,

if I've been doing
anything that steps on...

(THUD)

Okay.

There's no paper towels,
so I'm just gonna hold it.

You know what? I'm actually kinda b*at,

- so I'm going to take off.
- Stay.

Come on, one more drink?

Um...

- Come on. Yes!
- You sure?

Yeah, all right. Yeah. f*ck it.

- There we go.
- Good, let's get f*cked up.

(JOEL LAUGHS)

Mm! Ah!

Here we go.

Are these for the table?

- Yeah.
- Sick.

I keep eating these pickles,
but they burn, you know?

Craig?

- Hey. Hey.
- Hey, man. How are you doing?

- Good.
- Good!

Good to see you.

Do you wanna, uh...

Do you wanna join us?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah! Yeah, grab a seat!

- Oh, Craig, this is Joel.
- CRAIG: Hi.

And, uh, and this is Sam.

Hello.

Oh hey, Craig.

Craig just went through, um,

a really big breakup.

- Little down on your luck.
- CRAIG: Yeah.

Looking to get back in the saddle.

- Ooh...
- (LAUGHS)

- Giddy-up.
- (LAUGHS)

I'd give you a sh*t, but
we did them all, so...

- Oh.
- They were really strong. I had to sip mine.

- Do you drink?
- Uh, yes.

- All right, well, there's one plus.
- (CRAIG LAUGHS)

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

- Hey, heading to bed.
- Okay.

(EXHALES)

What?

Uh... Tums?

(SIGHS) Your... your bedside table.

Okay.

(BAR MUSIC, CHATTER)

(LAUGHING)

Um, how do you know Michael?

Taekwondo.

- Wow! (LAUGHS)
- Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Uh, he actually saved my life.

Oh yeah? Did you get
kicked upside the head or...

- No, I choked on a lozenge.
- Oh. I, uh...

(CLEARS THROAT) Just popped
it right out of my mouth.

- Popped it right out. sh*t.
- Yeah. (LAUGHS) Yeah...

You, uh, done any martial arts?

Not knowingly.

(SIGHS)

Taekwondo is really great,
though, for, uh, flexibility.

Well...

I'm not flexible, but
I'm a real good sport.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I don't know, I'm just...

- What?
- Just, Michael didn't tell me you were funny.

Oh...

I'm just a little drunk.

(LAUGHS) You want another beer?

Yeah.

You've got great tits.

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

Do you like soft skin?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SIGHS)

Good morning.

- Good morning.
- CRAIG: Hey.

Where are the coffee filters?

Check over on the... on the left.

(SINGING): Coffee in the morning...

♪ Coffee in the evening,
coffee at suppertime ♪

- (RATTLING)
- Are you sure they're in this, uh...

- I'm just seeing light bulbs and stuff.
- Okay, check down below.

Okay. I'm going down!

- Not that low!
- Oh... Well (SIGHS)...

I was a catcher in middle
school until I threw out my back.

- (CRAIG GRUNTS)
- (SAM SIGHS)

(RUSTLING)

- (GRUNTS)
- Need some help?

No, I-I'm all right. I got it. (GRUNTS)

You know, Tricia's got me
helping out at her store.

- She's got that Crazy Dayz thing.
- Yeah.

If you want, I could swing by,
pick you up, we go together.

I'm not going to that thing.

- Dad, it's important to Tricia.
- Yeah.

All right, well, more
toothpick meatballs for me.

- You say they're gonna have meatballs?
- Yeah.

Cheese?

- You know you like that cheese, Dad.
- I love cheese.

♪ ♪

(BLENDER WHIRRING)

- Hope I got the right consistency.
- (SLOSHING)

Lumpy is good.

- Nailed it.
- (LAUGHS)

- (WRINGING, DRIPPING)
- (BOTH LAUGH)

Okay...

- I just put it on?
- Mm-hmm.

Hm.

I've never heard of this. Is this, like,

- scientifically tested?
- (LAUGHS) No.

It's just what my mom did
when I would get my neck thing.

Went through a lot of
milk in middle school.

- Oh God. Kids are the worst.
- (SOFT LAUGH)

- Can you turn a little?
- Mm.

That's good.

They used to call me h*m* Skeletor.

Oh, no. Oh, babe, that
is... That is too sad.

(KISSES, SIGHS)

- It was sixth grade.
- (LAUGHS)

I sh*t up to six feet, but
I still weighed pounds.

I mean, really, it's kind of clever.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Joel, just...

just talk to Pastor Deb.

It's going to be okay.

It's really not worth
your skin falling off over.

- I'll even go with you.
- I don't wanna talk about it.

How'd I do? Shines up pretty nice, huh?

- Hey, she's gonna love it.
- Yeah.

(CAR PULLS UP)

Well, look who's here.

Returning your post driver.

- Hope it worked out okay for you.
- (CAR DOORS SHUT, OPEN)

- Yep. Sam.
- SAM: Hey, Tim.

I'll take that from you.

MJ is gone.

Well, I mean, she still
lives here, but she's not...

she's not here now. She, uh...

She went, uh, to do some
camping with some of her...

her girlfriends from, uh,

from her reading group.

Well, there's no cell
reception there, so...

so we can't call her. (CLEARS THROAT)

Gotta get back at it.

Okay.

Sam.

Good to see you, Tim.

(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

(ENGINE STARTS)

- (DRIVING AWAY)
- SAM: Um...

What kind of story was that?

Kinda got away from me.

Dad...

Are you embarrassed
because Mom's at rehab?

Is that why you're
not leaving the house?

Ain't nobody's damn
business what goes on here.

MJ and me, we... we're
private people. We...

We don't broadcast our business

or... or take pictures of our meals

or any-any-any of that nonsense.

What if somebody asked me where she is?

Well, you could tell a much,

much better lie.

I just don't want her to be embarrassed

when she comes home. I mean,
if she comes home at all.

Where would she go?

MJ has always been a catch. I have...

heard about these rehab places where...

where people fall madly
in love with each other.

Um, Dad, I can guarantee

that nobody's gonna fall
madly in love with Mom.

Suppose she comes home, and
she stopped her drinking, and...

she realizes that
she... she can do better.

I've let myself go a bit.

Dad...

- There's nobody better than you.
- (BRUSHING)

Huh?

- Who's a big hot fox?
- (GRUNTS)

(BOTH LAUGH QUIETLY)

- Your daddy.
- (LAUGHS) BHF.

- (WOLF WHISTLE, LAUGH)
- Ha!

- You think?
- Oh, I know.

(SIGHS)

(VIDEO GAME NOISES, g*nf*re)

(GASPS) Oh, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!

Rick! Why didn't you wake me
up? I'm supposed to finish all...

(VIDEO GAME NOISES CONTINUE)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

♪ ♪

Oh... (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

- (DOOR BELL RINGS)
- Hey, Shannon.

So, I guess that explains the graffiti.

- I'm so proud of you, Tricia.
- What are you talking about?

So, you got your gay
pride window display,

and then a couple of
h*m* jerkoffs come by

and tag it with a couple
of cocks. It's not right.

No, no, no, no, no.
That's a Kansas rainbow.

- That's not... that's not a gay rainbow.
- Oh, I don't see that.

- We've got to take it down.
- Well, there's no time, is there?

- No.
- Shannon!

Grab anything "Wizard
of Oz" in the store. Now.

I can hear you. Stop it.
Your joy makes me angry!

- (WHISPERS): Sorry I said cocks.
- (LAUGHS)

You know, you know,
that's what they were.

I need you to go to
the back room and find

everything sunflower you
can find. Go, go, go, quick!

- Y'all need any help?
- Tricia! They're everywhere.

You're not as funny
as you think you are!

- Stop. I don't know.
- What is she talking about?

Oh, hey, Joel. Um...

I missed you at the food pantry.

Yeah, sorry. I was busy with...

I didn't come.

Well, I'll just cut right to the chase.

I wanted to talk to you

about being a lay
minister for the church.

(LAUGHS)

I was watching yesterday,
how you talked to Brice.

You have a gift, Joel. You really do.

- Thank you.
- You were the first person to welcome me here.

And since then, I have
really come to rely on you

and trust you.

If you feel like this
might be a calling,

think on it.

No presh. (LAUGHS)

Honestly...

it might be a calling, but...

(KEYS JINGLING)

I can't.

I lied to you.

I've been lying to you.

♪ ♪

(STORE CHATTER)

- (DOOR BELL RINGS)
- Hi, welcome to Tender Moments.

Here's a tiny pillow with some lavender.

You got a kitten, they'll love it.

(INHALES)

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

Oh! Holy sh*t, Dad, you came!

And in a suit?

Yeah, well, I bought it
a while back, uh, on sale.

- It's for when I die.
- (LAUGHS)

Smart getting a second
wearing out of it.

I also came up with a good story

in case anybody asked me about Mary Jo.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(QUIETLY): She's visiting her sister.

- Heh?
- (LAUGHS)

- That's good! I'd buy that!
- Yeah.

- (MUZAK PLAYING ON PA)
- (PENNY ROLLING)

(ROLLING CONTINUES)

(PENNY FALLS IN)

(MUZAK CONTINUES)

(TAPPING ON GLASS)

♪ ♪

Oh yeah. These shitty little drinks

go right to your head, don't they?

(LAUGHTER)

- (DOOR BELL RINGS)
- Oh, hi. Welcome to Tender Moments.

Would you like a tiny
pillow and some lavender?

- Thank you.
- Here you go.

Chamber of Commerce is here.

Reshma! Hi! Hey, um,

thank you for coming. (LAUGHS)

- It's really bad.
- Huh?

It's wine. It was so crowded at Poppy's.

It's hardly noticeable. It...

You know what? White
wine can get out red wine.

It's actually... I know it sounds crazy,

- but it...
- TRICIA: Sam, I don't think...

No, no, no, it works.
Just gimme a second.

You just take the little napkins,

get the white wine, put it in there...

- Oh, Sam, just please be careful!
- There you go.

Yeah. Oh yeah.

Mm, here it goes. Yeah... Oh.

- (GROANS)
- All gone.

- Wow!
- Yeah.

Yeah, just a little trick I learned
from my, uh, bartending days.

So, have fun. It's a really cool party.

Love your Oz rainbow.

(EXHALES)

- We did it.
- (LAUGHS)

I don't deserve you, chica.

Hey.

I'm taking this candle.

Dad took cheese.

TRICIA: Um...

Just, you know, I mean... (LAUGHS)

- Thanks.
- Yeah, you're welcome.

This is your last pillow.

- TRICIA: You want it?
- I farted on it.

- (LAUGHS)
- Disgusting.

- (DOOR BELL RINGS)
- Rick?

Will you do something
with all that food?

Yeah. (SIGHS)

Garbage bags are in the back.

♪ ♪

(SIGHS)

(ECHOING HORN)

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

(RUMMAGING)

(CLATTERING)

(LID CLANGS)

(ECHOING HORN)

(WHISPERS): Oh no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

No... no...

♪ Everybody loves somebody ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ Everybody falls in love somehow ♪

♪ Something in your kiss ♪

♪ Just told me ♪

♪ My sometimes ♪

♪ Is now ♪

♪ Everybody finds somebody ♪

♪ Some place ♪

♪ There's no telling
where love may appear ♪

♪ Something in my heart ♪

♪ Keeps saying ♪

♪ My someplace ♪

♪ Is here ♪

♪ If I had it in ♪

♪ My power ♪

♪ I'd arrange for every girl ♪

♪ To have your charm ♪

♪ Then every minute ♪

♪ Every hour ♪

♪ Every boy would find what I found ♪

♪ In your arms... ♪