06x07 - The Other Woman

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Hi-ho! Shirley!

Here are the
candles you asked for.

Thank you so much.

They're just
beautiful. Thank you.

Who's the lucky guy?

Just a handsome
pediatrician, is all!

Oh, really? What's his name?

Dr. Mark McKenzie.

Whew! I've never heard of him.

Oh, well, perhaps
you have seen him.

He's been around the
building the last three weeks.

Oh, h-him!

Oh, yes, I have.

But I never guessed
those were social calls.

I just assumed you were
very sick or dying or something.

I'm afraid not, Rhonda.

- I think it was love at first sight.
- Aw.

He came into the
customer service department

at Bardwell's, looked me
straight in the eyes and said,

"Would you please wrap
my Mr. Potato Head?"

Oh.

How many woman have waited
to hear those magic words?

No, no, Rhonda.

The Mr. Potato
Head was for his son.

- Oh, then that means he's...
- No, no,

it's not what you
think... He's separated

and on his way to a divorce.

Uh-oh.

Rhonda smells alimony.

Uh, no wonder
you're not eating out.

Rhonda... Rhonda, thank
you so much for the candles.

- Oh.
- Mark's gonna be here any moment.

I'm sure you understand.

Oh, of course I understand...
You spent all afternoon

trying to look sexy
and glamorous.

If he walks in and sees
me, it'll ruin everything.

Ciao!

Oh, have a very good time!

The humiliation I endure
for two lousy candles.

- Hi, Shirl.
- Hi, Laverne.

- Hi, Shirl.
- Hi, Laverne.

- Hi, Shirl. Hi, Shirl.
- Hi, Laverne.

- Hi.
- Thanks for covering for me at work today.

- It was so nice of you.
- ♪ That's okay. ♪

I'm sorry I'm gonna
miss your singing debut

at Cowboy Bill's tonight.
You understand, don't you?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Um, you want to
hear a little preview?

Oh, it's the door!

- Must be Mark.
- Oh.

Oh, my goodness,
do I look all right?

- Yeah, you look fine.
- Thanks. Would you hold that?

Hi there, handsome.

Hi, gorgeous.

Dad's parking the car.

Oh, Bobby, hi.

Um, Laverne, this
is Bobby, Mark's son.

This is my roommate, Laverne.

Hi, Bobby.

- Hi-ya, Shirl.
- Hi, Mark.

- Hello, Laverne.
- Oh, hi, Mark.

Shirley, I, uh, I
know that we planned

to spend a nice, quiet
evening alone, but, uh,

I'm afraid Bobby's babysitter
came down with the flu.

Oh, that's okay, we'll just have

a nice candlelight
dinner for three.

Just the three of us.

Just you and Bobby and me.

Then after dinner,
the three of us

will just cuddle up on the
couch and watch The Flintstones.

Just the three of us.

Just you and Bobby and me.

Ah, Bobby.

Uh, why don't you come
down to Cowboy Bill's

and, uh, listen to
me sing tonight, huh?

Hey, terrific idea.

But I want to watch
The Flintstones.

Uh, well, no, you
don't; it's a rerun.

It's the one where Fred
brings his boss home for dinner

and Wilma burns the dinosaur.

Oh, you'll have fun! Good night!

- Good night. Thanks, Laverne.
- Thanks, Laverne.

Shirley, don't move, huh?

I-I just want to
tell you that...

well, you have one of
the most beautiful faces

that I've ever seen.

Mmm. Hey, you're wearing
that perfume I gave you, huh?

- Uh-huh.
- That's my wife's favorite.

Oh.

- Shirley, I'm sorry. I...
- It's okay. It's all right.

How about a little wine
before dinner, huh?

Oh, yes.

I hear that the way
to a doctor's heart

is through his esophagus.

Well, technically, I believe
it's through his aorta,

but, uh, you don't want to hear
any more doctor talk, do you?

I love it when you
talk about your work.

Do you really?

Because I love to talk about it.

Well, I... I love that
you love to talk about it.

Well, I love that-that you love

that I love to talk about it.

I love that... that
you love that...

I'll get it.

- I love when you get it.
- Thank you.

Hello?

Yes, yes, he is. Just a moment.

Mark, it's for you.

Oh, no!

Yes?

No, no, that's quite
all right. I understand.

I'll be right there.

Well, they need
me at the hospital.

Shirley, I'll, uh, I'll have to
make some kind of arrangements

for somebody to pick up Bobby.

- Okay. It's all right.
- Look, I'm really sorry.

I promise you I'll
make this up to you.

Saturday night, huh?

Hey, I've got ringside seats

for the big fight
with the Swensons.

Who are the Swensons
and why are they fighting?

No, the Swensons
aren't fighting.

That's, uh, Joan and Arnold
Swenson; they're old friends.

Oh! Oh, how silly of me.

You are a boxing
fan, aren't you?

Oh, well, yes, yes.
Willie Mays is my idol.

Ah, I love your little jokes.

Listen, I really have to run.

- Okay.
- I'll, uh, I'll talk to you later, okay?

- All right.
- Bye.

Bye, Mark. Bye.

What a ninny! What a ninny!

Everybody knows that
Willie Mays plays basketball!

Ladies and gentlemen,

our special treat
for you tonight!

Here she is, Laverne DeFazio!

Come on, a big
round of applause!

Pump it up! Energy, energy!

Thanks.

Well, this is a little...

It's a little song
that I wrote myself.

Y-You don't have to
listen if you don't want.

♪♪

♪ Like I told you before ♪

♪ Life is the pits ♪

♪ And the older I get ♪

♪ The worse that it gits ♪

♪ Any minute now ♪

♪ We can all be blown to ♪

♪ Bits! ♪

♪ Life, life ♪

♪ Life just ain't fair ♪

♪ We're go... ♪

♪ Going nowhere ♪

♪ Don't cut your ♪

♪ Hair. ♪

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I was lousy, I stunk.

Aw, don't feel bad, honey.

The crowd for the second
show is much better.

They'll be drunk.

I'm gonna get something to eat.

- Mom!
- Hi, sweetie.

How you doing, sweetheart? Oops.

Where's Laverne?
Which one is Laverne?

Mm-hmm.

- Yeah?
- Hello. I'm Diana McKenzie.

Hello. I'm Bobby's mother.

Mark's wife.

I guess you're
surprised to see me.

Is something wrong?

No, no, I was just meditating.

Oh. Well, Bobby's
father had an emergency

and asked me to pick him up.

You know pediatricians;

I'll probably get
a lollipop for this.

Hey!

- She looks just like...
- No, no!

She... I know, but she is...

Uh, this is, uh, Bobby's mother,

- Diana McKenzie.
- Hello.

Well, thank you very much
for taking care of Bobby.

We'll just be running along now.

- Thank them, Bobby.
- Thank you.

Good night.

Quiet family, aren't they?

Shirley... get up.

Wake up, would you, Shirl.

Come on.

Just wake up for five minutes

and then you could
go right back to sleep.

The th...

Okay, I sang at
Cowboy Bill's and I stunk.

Boy! Morning already.

The night just flew by!

- Shirl?
- Yeah?

Guess who dropped by
Cowboy Bill's to pick up her son?

No!

No.

The other woman?

What's she like? What
does she look like?

Well, that's the
k*ller part, Shirl.

Um, you and Diana
McKenzie... That's her name...

Well, you two could
be identical twins.

- No. No!
- Yes. Yes.

- Come on. Identical twins?
- I'm telling you.

Yes. All you need is a blond wig

and an extra pair of
sweat socks in your bra.

One pair of sweat socks in
my bra is sufficient, thank you.

Two pair would be
obscene, Laverne.

Yeah, but, Shirl, well...

Look... this is real
hard for me to tell you,

but, well, Mark's on
the rebound, and...

Well, the exact same thing
happened to Edna once,

look-alike and all.

And, well, she married
this rebound man.

Then he bounced
right back to his wife.

Oh, come on, Laverne, stop.

That's an old wives' tale.

- You know what Mark told me last night?
- What?

He told me I had one of the most
beautiful faces he'd ever seen.

Yeah, well, I know who
belongs to the other face.

Laverne, would you mind
babysitting for him again

on Saturday night? Please?

Well, I don't want...
Please, Laverne?

- All right.
- Ah, thanks.

Mark's taking me to the
fights with the Swensons.

Who are the Swensons
and why are they fighting?

No, no, the Swensons
are friends of his.

The boxing matches,
Laverne, the boxing matches.

You're going to the
boxing matches?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, boy, you must really
be in love with him, huh?

Look at my
complexion, would you?

Is it glowing, or what?

Look, do me a favor,
would you, Shirl?

Glow slow.

- Oh, come on. Stop it.
- Oh.

Come on, be happy
for me, would you?

I am happy for you.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

Yeah? Then why
you getting dressed

in the middle of the night?

Put your hands out like this.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Chicken!

Okay, now what?

Try to escape, while
I play target practice.

Ah, come on, Bobby,
get these off of me.

Come on, get these...

Say your prayers.

I could have spilt
this all over me!

Too bad you didn't.

What is the matter
with you, huh?

Come on, let's
pick this stuff up

and let's just go to the movies.

How dare you!

Now, get over
there! What are you...

acting like such a brat for?

'Cause I hate babysitters.

Oh, well, I'm sure they're
not too fond of you, either.

Now, come on. Your
father's got to be able to go out

and have a good
time once in a while.

He should be home
with my mother.

Ah, come on, Bobby.

I know this is a
tough time for you.

But you're not looking
on the bright side.

What do you mean?

Well, uh, both your
folks are gonna be dating

a lot of people now.

And all those people are
gonna be dying to win you over.

Well, if, uh, you
play your cards right,

you could wind up with
presents up the kazoo.

What are you gonna get me?

I ain't getting you nothing.

Hey, Bobby, you ready
to go to the movies?

Okay, Bobby, come
on, let's go to the movie.

Come out, come
out, wherever you are.

Come on, Bobby.

We're gonna miss
those creepy monsters.

Hello.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

- Well, don't touch that.
- What is this?

- Don't touch that.
- Huh?

What are you
doing? Are you okay?

I'm having fun.

Don't make him talk, Laverne.
You'll spoil his whole act.

- What did you put on his face here?
- No...

What are you doing
with that there?

Don't smudge it!
Don't smudge it!

Ah, Laverne, Laverne, please!

You're just letting
your maternal glands

run away with you.

There's no reason to be worried.

He is safe under
the collective arm

of the Squignoski Talent
Agency of Burbank.

- s*ab!
- s*ab!

Yeah, well, what does all
this have to do with Bobby?

Ha!

Boy, you're gonna be glad
you asked that question.

- Let's show her the act, come on.
- Move out of the way.

Yeah, set him
up, set him up. Ah.

You're gonna love this,
Laverne! I'm telling you, it's great!

Oh, this is a good
act. This is a good act.

Hello there, ladies
and gentlemen,

and welcome to the big show.

How are you today?

I would like you to meet my
good friend, Jerry Mahooey.

Say hello to the folks, Jerry.

Hello to the folks.

The kid breaks me up!

Oh, wait. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

And now, we would all like to
make show business history,

so please sit back and watch

as me and Jerry

will recite a poem together.

Two voices at once?!
It can't be done!

Ah-ah, a doubter, a doubter,
a doubter in our audience.

Well, we'll just have to
show him, won't we, Jerry?

Won't we? Good.

All right, here we go.

One, two, three.

There was a young
girl from Nantucket

- who took off...
- Okay!

That's good! That's good!

It's really good.

Go right upstairs.

Get this stuff off. We'll go
on a walk or something soon.

And don't sign with nobody else!

It was. Hi.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Laverne, you
missed a terrific fight.

- Yep.
- Oh, what happened?

Six knockdowns and
a TKO in the 13th.

Oh, boy!

Did you guys have fun?

- Did we?
- Yeah, I learned a poem, too!

There was a young
girl from Nantucket...

No, he didn't.

Didn't learn it.
No, just kidding.

We're gonna go
up and get his stuff.

Gave you a quarter
to forget that poem.

How about you? Did you have fun?

I had a great time. Thank you.

Mmm. Well, I had a great
time, thanks to you, Diana.

Oh. Shirley, I'm sorry.

- It's okay. It's all right.
- It's a very old habit.

It's all right, Mark. I
understand. It's okay.

Oh, I love that you understand.

I love that you love
that I understand.

Mmm.

Don't forget my
birthday, Laverne.

Okay, and I'll bring
the milk and Pepsis.

Hey, and bring your guitar, too!

My first fan.

Laverne, thanks a lot, huh?

Ah, you're welcome.

Bobby, we got to get you to
bed. Say good night, okay?

- Night.
- Night.

- Night, Mark.
- Race you to the car!

All right, you're on!

So what happened at the fight?

Tell me all about it.

How did he knock him out?

A left jab? An uppercut?
A combination? What?

Well, I don't know.

You know darn well I had
my eyes closed the whole time.

Ah, Shirl.

- I'll get it.
- Okay.

Maybe it's my knight
in shining armor.

Or maybe just a sailor on leave.

Hello, Laverne.

It's Diana McKenzie.

- Diana McKenzie?
- Diana McKenzie.

Diana McKenzie?!
What does she want?!

- I don't know.
- What does she want?!

- I don't know!
- Well, ask her!

What is it that you want?

I was wondering if
Shirley was home.

Uh... I don't know. I'll check.

What is it that she wants?!

She wants to
know if you're home.

- She wants to know if I'm home?!
- Yeah.

- Why?!
- I don't know.

Oh, gee, what do you think?!

What should I do?!
What should I say?!

I don't know. You're home.

All right, I'm home. I'm home.

Go tell her I'm home.

I checked. She's home.

Uh, Shir... Di...

Shirley, Diana. Diana, Shirley.

Well, I'd love to stay
and chat, but, uh...

I better go upstairs and,
uh, count my clothes.

Diana, please sit down.

Can I get you something to,
uh, drink or eat or something?

No. No, thank you.

Well, gee, you know, Laverne
told me you were pretty,

but she said nothing
about stunning.

Well, Bobby was right;
you do look a lot like me.

You know that it's Bobby's
birthday in a couple of weeks.

- And...
- Oh, yeah, that's right.

And I thought

that since we were both
going to be at the party,

it would be nice if
we met each other.

You know, to make things easier.

Oh, gee, Diana, that's...
that's a good idea.

It's real sweet of you, too.

I hope this isn't a bad time,

but I just wanted
to get a picture

of the two of youse together.

Could you just sort
of move in a little bit?

There you go.

Nobody's ever
gonna believe this.

I'll bring it to the
birthday party.

We're all gonna be there, right?

It's like having a 12-year-old

of my own running
around the house.

Oh.

You don't miss Mark, or
anything like that, do you?

Yes, I do.

I just... I just
can't stop thinking

about all the good
times we had together.

Can't you think of
any of the bad times?

No.

Maybe a couple?

Think real hard.

I mean, if you concentrate
on just the bad times.

Diana, bad, bad, bad!

No, no, it doesn't help.

I-I even miss him when
I think of the bad times.

Are you still in love with Mark?

Yes, I am.

Why did I ask that?

Oh, well, it doesn't matter now.

It's... it's probably
all too late, anyway.

It's not too late, Diana.

It's not too late, no.

I think Mark still
loves you very much.

Really?

Yes. I mean, let's be
reasonable about this, okay?

I mean, first of all,

you're the one
who left him, right?

He didn't leave you.

And second of all,
just look at us, Diana.

It's-it's like
looking in a mirror.

I mean, anybody
who sees us could tell

that I'm just a
substitute for you.

A younger one.

None-the-less, a substitute.

You know, I think
if you go to Mark

and explain how you feel,

I really think you two
could work things out.

Worth a chance.

Are you sure?

Uh-huh.

Are you really sure?

Don't push it, Diana.

I won't.

Thank you, Shirley.

Ah, you're welcome.

You know something, Shirley?

I think there's a very
special man out there

just waiting to fall
in love with you.

Really?

Do you have his number?

Good-bye.

Bye, Diana. Bye.

What a ninny I am!
What a ninny I am!

I had my doctor right
in the palm of my hand,

and what do I do?

I turn him back
over to his wife.

Oh, what a ninny!

What a ninny! What a ninny!

You okay, Shirl?

Did you hear everything?

Hear? I took pictures.

Hey, I know what a tough
thing that was for you to do.

Yeah, it was tough,
but it was the right thing.

He really still does love her.

Aw, come on.

Let's go onto the couch
and have yourself a good cry.

No, I really don't
feel like crying.

No, come on, you got to cry.

No, I don't feel like crying.

No, no, no, it's better
for you to cry about it.

But I don't feel like crying.

I just... I just sort of feel
sad and numb, that's all.

But you just gave up
everything you ever dreamed of

in your entire life.

I mean, your rich,
handsome doctor,

your two-story colonial,
your dog named Dave,

the white picket fence.

There, there. See?

I knew that would make
you feel better. Cry.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪