06x11 - Malibu Mansion

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

DeFazio, where are those

house sitter critters
you promised me?

Don't worry, Cowboy Bill,

they're gonna be
here any minute.

Let me sit you in
this Cowboy Bill chair

right at the Cowboy Bill table.

I'm gonna get you a
Cowboy Bill hamburger.

Not only that, I'm gonna pick up

this Cowboy Bill bill, the
bill, bill, actually, Cowboy...

Well, I don't know what the...

Keep him busy, keep him busy.

Oh... Uh... Howdy, pardner.

You you mind if I set a spell?

Why, just put your
saddle right down there.

Oh...

You know, Cowboy Bill, I want
you to know that we are trying

very hard to
become a strong link

in your chain of restaurants.

Well, I think that's a
real snappy idea, Edna.

Matter of fact,

I'm gonna put that in my
next Cowboy Bill training film.

Oh...

You know, I think it's so nice
of a big movie star like you

letting the girls take
care of your beach house.

Well, anytime you want to
stay there, just let me know.

Oh, thank you. Oh...

Frank and I would love that.

Well, who said anything
about Frank, huh?

Uh... you're gonna like that.

You know, I love
this woman so much,

if I stay away for five
minutes, I miss her so much.

Mah!

Boy, that's good.

♪ Let's go surfing now,
everybody's learning how ♪

♪ Come on a safari with me ♪

- ♪ Bom, bom-bom-bom... ♪
- No, don't go down like that.

That's him, that's Cowboy Bill.

That's him, that's him.

Whoa, Thunderbolt!

Whoa, Thunderbolt!

- Huh?
- They still remember.

Girls, why don't you shake
hands with Cowboy Bill?

Uh, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Mr. Bill.

Howdy.

How do you do?
I'm Shirley Feeney,

one of your biggest
fans, and may I say,

I really admire the way
you treat that horse of yours.

Well, you know what they say...

It's better to sit on a
friend than on an enemy.

Words to live by.

Pop, would you take a
picture of the three of us?

Cowboy Bill's very busy.

Oh, no, no, no, there's
always time for fans.

Oh, great!

Yeah. Come on, Edna, I want you

to have your pretty little
face in this picture, too.

Come on.

Well, make sure
that's all he wants.

Oh, yeah, Edna, right here,
right here... there we are.

- Go ahead. Edna get in here.
- Get in here, get in here.

Okay, say cheese.

Say cheeseburger.

Cheeseburger.

That's a good picture, Pop.

Four people with fish lips.

Okay, okay, enjoy.

- Okay, now, let's hit the trail.
- Okay.

I came here to
sit with this house,

not clean this house.

Laverne, it is an honor
to even clean this house.

Great. You do the honors.

Okay, gals, I just
want to touch on

a few details with you girls,

and then I'm on my
way to Las Vegas.

Cowboy Bill?

No, Horowitz.

Cowboy Horowitz?

Wally Horowitz.

Aren't you a real cowboy?

No, but I'm real rich.

I'm here, I'm here.

Don't tell me you got one
of them talking doorbells.

No, no, no, it's
no talking doorbell.

Come here.

That's my talking
bird, Samson. Here.

Ooh!

Samson? Samson, I want
you to say hello to the girls

while I go over there and
make out a list of things

I want them to do. Go ahead.

Hello, ladies. Hello ladies.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Hello, Samson.

Hello, sweetie pie.

Hiya, cutie.

How about a kiss?

Ah! I love it! Oh!

Let me try. Let me try.

Samson, want a haircut?

Bimbo, bimbo!

Feather face, feather face!

Laverne, that is no way
to make new friends.

Oh, sure, he was nice to you.

He called me a bimbo.

Well, animals are
very perceptive.

I'm sure that he senses
that I'm an animal lover

and that you're a...

well, that you have a past.

- How does a bird know that?
- Well, you have a past.

Oh, girls, girls?

Come over here.

Yes, sir.

Now here's a list of things

I want you to take care
of while I'm in Vegas.

Now watch this.

Holy rumbabas, it's
a convertible house!

Is that so you can fly your
kite when you're inside?

No, no, and-and
you shouldn't either.

Look, do me a favor, will
you? Forget about the button.

Just pretend I never
showed it to you.

- Okay, we forgot.
- Okay.

Okay, now, you see
on that table over there?

That's my prize Ming vase.

Oh, don't tell me, you want me

to put some fresh-cut
flowers in it, huh?

Stop!

That's 600 years old,
and it's worth $200,000.

What, this thing?

Yeah! Easy, easy...
I'll handle this.

All right, no, no, no,
no, no reason to panic,

no reason to panic.
Okay, come over here.

Just take three
little baby steps.

Right, that's one, two, three.

- Forgot to say "Mother May I."
- Aw!

- Are you nuts?
- Well, we always play it

by the rules, I'm
sorry. Okay, all right!

Just come on, La...
No monkey nerves now!

No monkey nerves
now... come on, come on.

Put it back down,
put it back down.

Put it down. Watch your fingers.

Drop it, drop it,
drop it. All right.

It looks great
without the flowers.

I wonder if maybe
I'm making a mistake.

You can depend on us to
treat everything in your home

with tender loving
care, honestly.

Well I-I hope so, because,
of all my beach houses,

this is the one that
gives me the best vibes.

Yeah, you got
beautiful vibes here.

Yeah, well, that's good.

Now I want you to
remember one thing:

No strangers are
allowed in this house.

- No.
- No, no, no.

Just you two and that's it.

- Okay.
- Yes, sir.

The only reason
you're here is because

Frank DeFazio promised me
that you two were very dependable.

Oh, we are.

And I only hope, for
his sake, that you are.

So for now, ciao!

Ciao, ciao.

Don't worry about a thing.
We'll take care of your vibes.

- Let's have a party.
- What?!

Great place for a party.

Are you crazy? Didn't
you hear the man?

He doesn't want...
Don't sit there!

You don't know how
much that thing costs.

- If you want to sit
down, - Oh, Shirl!

Go sit on the cot he
gave you in the kitchen.

I don't want to
sit in the kitchen.

I want to have a party
here. Look at this.

Absolutely not, Laverne.

Not with all the
valuables in this house.

There's no way we're going
to have a party in this house.

Absolutely not.

Well, excuse me for living.

All right, let's
get to work here.

The first thing on
the list is to dust.

So... dust.

Okay, I'm done.
Let's hit the beach.

What are you talking about?

Let's hit... the beach!

We'll have the
party on the beach.

What party?

Our beach party, huh?

We can make as big a mess
as we want, the tide comes in,

takes all the
garbage out to sea...

it ends up in Japan.

And they got plenty of
people to clean it up there.

Oh! Oh, very nice, Laverne.

Littering a foreign
country now, are we?

Oh, no, you don't,
absolutely not.

Aw, come on, Shirl, what...

Come on, we could have a
great party... we could surf,

play volleyball, I can meet a
guy and call him Moondoggie.

Okay. Shirl, before we
pass up this great chance,

and gyp all our friends out of
having their one and only turn

at a Malibu beach party,

let's just think about what
we're passing up here.

Sonny and Carmine in
tight little swim trunks.

Lenny and Squiggy buried
in the sand up to their necks.

Everybody rubbing
oil on everybody.

And who gets
credit for all this fun?

The hostess.

And that's where
you come in, Shirl.

You, the hostess
of a party in a house

that's been in Better
Homes and Gardens.

Only you could
pull this one off.

This is your baby, Shirl,
you were born for this party.

I was, wasn't I?

Yes, you were.

All right, okay, let's
make out the guest list,

but only 50 or 60
of our closest friends

- to begin with.
- Okay.

Ah, let's see. Should
we invite Rhonda?

Rhonda? Ever
see her in a bikini?

You're right. Forget
about Rhonda.

Okay, Carmine and
Sonny, Lenny, Squiggy...

Party here tomorrow!
Bring your own booze!

Shirl? Okay, here's
some more potato salad.

- Take it out there.
- All right.

Laverne, we need some
more weenies out there.

Who d*ed and made
me Weenie Woman, huh?

I'm sorry.

Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait...
What have you been doing?

Cleaning the beach.

What for?

Laverne, I can't
let the tide roll in

- and wash that mess to Japan.
- Why not?

Because we've had such good
relations with them recently.

Now don't go away.
Rhonda will be right back.

I knew it. She's
got another one.

Well, who invited her, anyway?

I don't know,
but I will find out.

Hi-ho, Shirley, bye-ho, Shirley.

- Hi-ho, Laverne.
- Hi-ho, Rhonda. Having fun?

Oh, yes. I just came in

to tell you what a
fabulous party this is.

Oh, thank you. Uh,
how'd you find out about it?

Oh, luckily, Lenny and
Squiggy told me about it.

I guess my invitation
just blew off the stoop.

Oh, that's too bad,
'cause you really need one.

Oh, hi-ho Shirley,
bye-ho, Shirley.

Hi, guys!

Okay, I'm going out there.

No, Laverne, Laverne,

those people out there
want more weenies.

Weenies, weenies, weenies,

weenies, weenies,
weenies, weenies!

Well, this looks like a
job for Weenie Woman.

Make sure that you
really burn mine to a crisp.

I haven't eaten a thing all day.

Hey, Shirley.

Oh, hi, Sonny, hi, Carmine.

Hi, angel face.

I'm taking Carmine
down to the, uh, cove

and teach him how to surf.

Oh! Carmine, should you
really go into the water?

You just ate.

I didn't have that much to eat.

Listen, uh, we're
gonna go sh**t the pier.

Why don't you come with us?

Oh, no, no, I detest v*olence.

sh**ting the pier is when you
come within inches of smashing

into wood pilings
at 50 miles an hour.

You're gonna love it.

Yeah, well, it still sounds
like v*olence to me.

- Come on.
- Yeah.

Uh, look, uh, angel face,

uh, if I don't come
back in 15 minutes,

call the Coast Guard, will you?

All right. Uh, Carmine?

Don't hurt anything
important, all right?

Here you go.

Here's the rest of them.

Take 'em out there.

Boy, I hope I never see
another weenie again.

Hello.

Very nice. Very
nice place, Laverne.

Thank you.

Uh-huh, uh-huh?

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

By the way, did Rhonda
make it here safely?

Yes, thanks a lot, Squiggy.

Oh, uh, my pleasure,
no problem...

And what are you
dressed up as today?

Commander Schweppes
and his pet frog?

I can't hear a word
you're saying, Laverne.

I bet it's good though.

No, no, no, it isn't
good, it's insulting.

- Oh.
- Let me do the talking.

Well, could you do
the listening, too?

Yeah, don't worry about that.

- Laverne...
- Yeah?

What you are looking at now

may look like a simple device,

but merely what it is, is
something that Lenny and me's

been working on since we
left Shotz several years ago.

I'll show you what it is.

It's called "Beer on the Rear."

It's the party friend's treat.

Now watch this.

All I do is say, "Hey,
Mr. Beer on the Rear,

I would like some
beer, if you please."

Nothing could be less hard.

All right.

I'm waiting, Len.
I'm waiting, Len.

- You got to reach...
- Don't help him.

Don't help him.

Well, we still got a few
bugs we got to work out of it.

- Let me see that.
- Yeah...

Aw, well why don't you
take your bugs, your beer,

and go out on the
beach and mingle.

Gee, how dumb does
she think we are, huh?

Hey, isn't that a Ming vase?

14th century, if I...

I believe you're right.

No! Stay on the paper!

Stay on the paper.

On the... all the
way to the beach.

All the way to the
beach, on the paper.

Did you put newspaper all
the way out to the beach?

- Yes.
- On the beach?

- Mm-hmm...
- Oh... ooh...

Come on, you have to
touch me with two hands.

Oh... oh!

I got it!

Go play pin the
tail on the shark!

I hope that isn't
what I think it is.

Nah, nah.

This is sunny California.

Then what is that?

Uh... that's ocean spray.

Oh... oh, no!

No!

Bye... bye... I don't
know what to do.

Well, Miss Hostess, you
were born to give this party.

What do we do now?

I knew we shouldn't have
given this party, I knew it.

Oh, why, oh, why,
didn't I listen to me?

I say we burn the joint
down to the ground!

Open up!

Okay, okay, okay!

Be careful now, everybody.

- Stay on the papers.
- In we go.

Stay on the newspapers.

Don't bring that in here.

No, no, no...

Oh, you're splashing
that all over.

Don't sit down!
Please don't sit down.

Oh! Stop it, stop it.

All right, all right...

Okay, all right... Not on the...

The-the-the netting part...

- All right, Lenny.
- No, no, Lenny, Lenny!

Listen up, everybody! Listen!

Uh, thank you all for coming,

but now you're going
to have to leave, so...

- Leave.
- Give me the pole.

Give me the pole!

Thank you all for leaving!

Good night.

Good-bye... Laverne!

Laverne, would you get
their attention, please?

Uh, Rhonda, stand up!

- Thank you, Rhonda.
- Thank you.

Thank you, Laverne.

Take it, Shirl.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

it seems old Mr. Weather
has played a nasty trick

and rained on your
hostesses' parade.

So, as all good things
must come to an end,

I have to bid you
good night. Thank you.

Thank you for understanding,
you're very kind...

- Laverne?
- Huh?

The fact that we were
able to clean this house up

after that party
is a sheer miracle.

All those years of watching
Hazel finally paid off.

Raining, raining, party inside.

Do you see this
pile of feathers?

It used to talk once, too.

No, no, no, I'll handle him.

I'll handle him.

Sweetheart, Samson,

let's keep our little beak
closed about the party,

and I know a bird that
there's a lot of yummy birdseed

in store for, what
do you say to that?

Yummy, yummy.

Deal, deal.

Oh, you see? I have
a way with animals.

Okay, girls, it's me,

and I'm back from Vegas,

and I'm happy to tell you
that I picked up over 40 grand.

Did you enjoy yourselves?

Oh, uh, we just
spent a quiet weekend

dusting and polishing... Yeah...

Out of weenies,
out of weenies. Awk.

You haven't been feeding
him weenies, have you?

No, didn't you
hear what he said?

- Oh, no...
- He said,

"Out of weenies,
out of weenies..."

Oh... Party. Party.

What was that about a party?

- Nothing.
- No, I can't tell a lie!

What?

Sure you can, who's
gonna believe a bird?

No!

No, I can't, I can't tell a lie.

Laverne had a party
here this weekend.

I had a party here this weekend?

- Just what were you doing?
- She's right!

We had a party
here this weekend!

It was wrong, irresponsible,

and totally thoughtless.

Why, if I met me at a party,

I'd throw my own phone
number back in my face.

Okay, Mr. Horowitz,
you caught us.

But please don't
take it out on my pop;

he had nothing to do with it.

We just wanted to give
our friends a chance

to see your beautiful house.

I mean, they've never
seen anything Ming before.

And they were very impressed.

Yes. And we had most
of the party outside

until it started raining, and...

Well, it's a funny thing,

but if you hadn't told me, I...

I'd never know there
was a party in here.

See, I told you to
keep your mouth shut.

No, no, no, no, no,

you did the right thing.

Now, I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna make a
little deal with you.

You're gonna give us the vase?

No.

But...

I'll forget the party,

if you promise
not to tell anyone

that I'm not a real cowboy.

It would break
poor Edna's heart.

- Well, I don't know...
- It's a deal.

Good. Now grab your stuff,

there's a limousine waiting
outside to run you home.

Oh, thank you, thank
you, oh, limousine,

I just love to watch television
in the back seat of a car.

That's two things I
like to do in a back seat.

Bimbo. Bimbo.

Hey, Shirl, I did it.

- I finally did it.
- Did what?

I finished that
song I was writing

about our wonderful weekend
in Malibu... want to hear it?

Sure.

Okay.

I've been working all
morning on it, and uh...

well, it's kind
of special to me.

Ready?

♪ Malibu, Malibu,
you stole my heart ♪

♪ We threw a party
and it all fell apart ♪

♪ The weather outside ♪

♪ Was rainy and foggy ♪

♪ And I never did meet ♪

♪ My guy named Moondoggie. ♪

You spent all morning on that?

You can tell, huh?

Yes. Yes, I can.

Hey, girls, I just
talked to Cowboy Bill.

Guess what?

He's pressing charges after all?

I can never understand
when she talks.

I don't know what she says.

No. He's going
out of town again,

he's got another job for you.

A job? What could it be?

Well, the house is all clean.

Maybe it's just fun in the sun.

He wants you to bird-sit.

Bimbos... bimbos...

Laverne... Laverne,
it's just a bird.

- Not in my own home.
- Just a little, small...

helpless creature, that's all...

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪