06x12 - Shawn and the Real Girl

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to Paths of Love.

I'm Hilton Fox.

This is the show
where you get a second chance

at a chance meeting.

Melinda, you're down
to your last heart.

Who do you choose to protect it?

I choose...

Todd.

- Where's Todd?
- Oh, crap.

Where's Todd?

Cut!

Donna, where's Todd?

Oh, come on.

Jay, where's Todd?
What's going on?

Scott--

Look, all you have to do

is line the people up in a row.

You want me to fix it?
Look, watch this.

Take one white guy, put him in a suit

along with the rest
of the Backstreet Boys,

boom, and you fall in love.

There we go.
Show done.

Could you take care
of business, please?

'Cause every second
is costing me money.

I hope Todd's okay.

Todd Kramer, Caucasian, 20s,

was driving at an accelerated rate,

lost control of his vehicle,

flipped into the ditch,
and is now in a coma.

A tragic yet totally
avoidable accident.

However, not a crime.

Good morning, Lassie.

May I take a look at those photos?

Come on, just a quick gander.

I'll trade you Gus'
half-eaten cruller

- for a baby peek.
- No, you won't.

Knock yourself out.

- Give him the donut.
- No.

It's your half cruller,
that was the deal.

- You can get a brand-new donut--
- I don't care!

Just give him the cruller.

Do you see that?

Salad dressing.

Brake fluid, Shawn.

Huh.

Lassie, I am sensing
something very non-salady

and very non-accidenty
about these photos.

How desperate are you to make
something outta nothing?

Pretty--pretty desperate.

Thanks, Lassie.
Drive safely.

Pardon me.

My name is Steve Rollins,
and I couldn't help but overhear

you talking about the car accident.

And I think you're right.

I think there was foul play involved.

Really?

Why is that?

Well, the victim was a participant

on a reality dating show
that I'm directing.

Um, look, these are only
my own suspicions, mind you,

but something is not right here.

And I had to come down here
and tell someone.

Is there a detective I should talk to?

You are in luck.
We're detectives.

Of the psychic variety.

My name is Shawn Spencer.
This is my partner, Larenz Tate.

That would be cool,
but Burton Guster is the name.

If you guys want,
you could come down to the set

and I could tell you
everything that I know.

- Yes, that sounds like--
- We'll be there.

Shawn?

This guy Steve has worked

on all six seasons
of California Survivorman.

He really knows his stuff.

Fantastic, I'll pitch him all
my genius reality ideas.

No, no, Shawn.
Please don't.

All your ideas sound insane.

You must be out of your damn mind.

Punk My Mom.

The Girl or the Bear.

So You Think You Can
Think You Can Dance.

Don't Touch That, It's Infected.

These are all slam dunks.

See, that's your
problem right there, Shawn.

You're trying to make
a mockery of reality TV.

These are the docudramas of our time.

Hey, fellas.
Hey, you made it.

Damn right we did.

All right, well, come on.
Come on, come with me.

Cool.

What is this show, Steve?

It's called Paths of Love.

All the guys are men
that the bachelorette

could have had contact with.

You know, the local guy
at her coffee house,

a guy at the gym.

Hence the title Paths of Love.

How does this dude know Melinda?

Todd was a model

whose face is on a billboard

just outside Melinda's office.

I'm telling you guys,
someone is after him.

I mean, this light almost fell on him

while he was in the hot tub,

and a loose balcony railing

almost gave way
while he was leaning on it.

Sounds like what you need
is a good contractor,

not a detective.

That's what I thought
until I saw this.

Okay.

Something's going on here.

I'm getting freaked out.

There's people watching me.

I don't trust these guys.

Look, I know when a contestant
is playing to the camera.

This guy seems
legitimately freaked out.

And then his car goes off a cliff.

Shawn, you're a psychic.

You must sense something
is going wrong here.

Perhaps yes,

but in order to know for sure

I'll need to get closer.

Full access.

I need to touch, see, feel...

pitch.

- Pitch?
- Please don't.

Check this out.
Just go with me, okay?

Guy shows up, knocks on a door, right?

It's his big overnight date, you know?

He's showered,
he feels fresh, he feels good.

He's got something going on down here.

Door opens, boom, it's--

A bear, yeah.

The Japanese already tried that.

Too many people d*ed.

What?

Man, the Japanese ruin everything.

Guys, Jay gets pitched stuff 24/7.

I mean, look at--
There's a sample

of everything that comes
across his desk in a day.

Conjugal Midwife.

Man versus Pneumonia.

I need to get to the bottom of this.

Okay, but I can't have
the creator of the show knowing.

He's not gonna dig
having a couple detectives

snooping around, you know,
ruining his pet project.

No.

There's only one way Gus and I know

how to investigate
and go completely unnoticed.

We have not one,

but two twists, and here they are.

Dr. Shawn Womack
and Burton Guster.

Who are those guys?

Did you tell Jules about this?

No.

No, I most certainly did not.

Well, as it turns out
I could have met Melinda

a while back at
Santa Barbara Mercy Hospital

when she had her appendix removed.

I was one floor up
doing my surgical residency

in pulmonary matters.

I'm a heart surgeon

and sometimes brain.

But I am also the inventor
of the hamburger candle.

Burton Guster, 35.

Pharmaceutical salesman.

I was married once.

But it was annulled.

So now I'm single

and ready to see
where this journey takes me.

Can I still choose Todd?

Todd is in a coma.

I know.

Can I still choose him?

Cut!

Seriously?
Cut! Cut!

I'm gonna call cut 'cause, see,

that's not supposed
to happen, Rollins.

How did that happen?

Jay, these are
the two new contestants.

Didn't you get my email?
The twist?

Oh, the email that says
that you're gonna replace him

with someone dynamic.

Okay, my lead bachelor is in a coma.

A coma--this is my money
on the line, not yours.

This is who you replace him with?

Hello, I'm Burton Guster.
I sell pharmaceuticals.

Oh, that's interesting.

What is going on, Steve?
I don't get it.

I really don't understand.
I birthed this show.

Alright, this came from my loins,

and no one's gonna screw this up.

We're not gonna screw your loins.

I mean, it--no, I don't
think it's gonna happen.

Okay, Jay, Jay, just trust me, okay?

Gus and Shawn are very,
very colorful characters.

They're gonna make great TV.

Okay, they better make great TV.

Okay, because
I sold this to NBC, right?

NBC, they make classics like Friends

and, uh, uh...

Uh...

Uh...Uh...

Their next runaway smash reality show

about the crabbing industry
called, wait for it,

you wait for it, America's Got Crabs.

That's brilliant.

I like it.
There's something there.

You and I are gonna
talk about that later, okay?

Over a big baked potato.

I'm building an empire.
Everybody knows that.

And I'm taking everybody
with me into the stratosphere.

Isn't that right, Hank?

Yeah, I'm getting fitted

for my spacesuit later today.

Everybody knows Hank.

Everybody, they know him as
the best cameraman in the world.

I also know him as the man
who makes me lunch, huh?

Mr. Baked Potato, hmm?

Wah, wah, wah.

Uh, excuse me just one second,

my fellow bachelors

and you and also you.

Shawn, what are you doing here?

Um, Gus and I are investigating

Todd Kramer's car crash.

Why are you wearing a tie and a heart?

Why are you wearing hair?

And shoes?

What are you doing here?

Turns out you were right, okay?

The guy's car was tampered with.
You happy now?

Todd's parents said
he'd been at this address

for the last two weeks,

so were here to talk
to the owner, Jay Gianukos.

Let's go.

I don't think
that's gonna be possible.

Look, uh, I'll explain later,

but for now you don't know me
and I'm very very single, okay?

You can't run off like that, doctor.

Now come on.

You're needed at the pool
for the single mingle.

Copy that.

Shh.

Doctor?

Single mingle.

Based on Todd's testimonial,

he was scared
of somebody on the inside.

On the inside.

Yeah, which means
probably a contestant,

so let's go over there, talk to them,

figure out which one of them
has a motive.

Shawn, you don't get it.

They don't want to talk to you.

They're focused on Melinda.

The mingle is
a make-it-or-break-it time

when you get a chance to get noticed

and plant seeds to get picked
for a one-on-one date.

You gotta have a moment.

Gus, we're not having
any moments, okay?

We're here to investigate.
This isn't a competition.

Says the guy who's gonna
get voted out first.

Listen, Shawn, I've studied reality TV

all my life for an opportunity
just like this.

I'm in it to win it.

Yeah, well, I'm not.

Mostly because Jules would k*ll me.

I'm actually gonna have
to try to lose.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Excuse me, Shawn,
could I borrow you for a second?

Actually I'm in the middle
of a conversation with my boy.

Mm, does not look good for you, homie.

That's all right.

Everybody knows that
as the only brother on the show,

I get a free pass
through the first round.

Then she dumps you like it was the end

of her semester abroad.

Look, homie, I like you.

That's why I want to help you out.

So just drop the front.

You know, the whole safe brother
with the boring job

and your shirt tucked into your pants.

That's so '90s huxtable.

If you want that chick,
here's what you do.

You play the tragic card.

You tell her that your fiancee
d*ed in a skydiving accident.

I'm not lying.

Then you're not winning.

I couldn't help noticing
that you have amazing hair.

Looks real, doesn't it?

It's not.
Transplant.

Mostly from my inner thighs.

A little from my, uh, lower back.

That's good.

All right, detective,
can you make this quick?

I'm trying to save my show.

Oh, mercy, of course, I'm so sorry.

Turns out your contestant Todd
Kramer's car was tampered with.

You got any thoughts on that?

Yeah, yeah, I'm curious.

Can I, uh, can I sue him
before he gets out of the coma?

He was my finale.

Now I gotta deal with these guys.

It feels very real to me.

That's cheating, right?

Absolutely.

There's nothing like
the wonderment on a child's face

when you read to him
for the first time.

Oh, that smile.

Yeah, kids bug me.

I find them disgusting.

They have sticky fingers
and their voices are all high.

But seriously, which one
of these dudes

do you think could be a k*ller?

Something about this
Shawn guy was intriguing.

It's as if he's trying to say
all the wrong things.

Of course it makes me want him more.

I really--I really
love a chase.

I'm still trying to get a read
on his friend Gus.

Kind of reminds me of Bud
from The Cosby Show.

Before pharmaceuticals,
I used to sell office equipment.

Ooh, the pace.

Life is too short.

- Mm-hm.
- So I made the switch.

Now I drive an Echo.

And things are good.

Uh...

My fiancee d*ed in
a skydiving accident.

Oh.

- Can I borrow you?
- Oh!

Absolutely.

With Brody, I think it's important

that two people
are attracted to each other,

so physical appearance
is definitely an attribute

that I look for,

but it's not the most important thing.

And with Brody, there's so much more

than just his handsome looks.

Like...

I hate that guy.

Using sunscreen as
an excuse to paw her--

that's my move!

If I don't get a heart necklace
because of that dude,

I'm unleashing the g*ns,

Frederico and Pepe--
boom boom!

Oh, the heart.

It's the only muscle
in the body that can

be broken with a harsh word and
repaired with a gentle touch.

What the hell are you talking about?

Dudes like this, they never win.

Hey.

I'm sorry, guy,
I've just seen a lot of these.

Yeah, we keep him around
because he's good at grilling.

I think I might love her.

Or something.

If I find out that any one of you puds

aren't here for the right reasons...

you're dead meat.

Why are you looking at me?

I gotta pee.

Did you see that?

Dude was looking right at me.

Can you say suspecto numero uno?

Suspecto--

Don't do it, it sounded
way better in my head.

Hey, come on.

Now, remember, all of
our moves are being filmed,

so let's cover for each other
while we snoop.

Don't worry, Shawn,
the jackal is here.

What are we looking for?

Mario's stuff.
He's totally a hothead.

Maybe Todd was getting
too close to Melinda,

or wasn't here "for the right reasons"

and had to be stopped.

Giant roll, on three.

One, two--

Jackal down, jackal down!

Are you okay, jackal?

I'm cool.

I'm cool.

Dude, this is Brody's stuff?

All he brought was
flax bars and a speedo.

What?

The guy's here for three weeks

and didn't pack a single shirt?

Nope.

Wow.

Dude.

What would someone need a pair
of greasy gloves for

on a dating show?

I bet these come in handy

when you need to cut
somebody's brake lines.

Just as
I thought--

salad dressing.

Brake fluid.

Looks like Mario's willing
to stand behind his threats.

There's only one problem
with that theory, Shawn.

It's not Mario's.

Whose is it?

It's Danny's.

So what exactly are
you guys looking for?

Photographic evidence
of Danny putting the gloves

inside his cubbyhole.

Nothing.

It's like it never happened.

Unless Danny can
make himself invisible.

Hey, do we have any footage
where it looks like

just a pair of glasses
walking into the room?

No.

Huh.
Excuse me.

This is a real call
from actual reality.

Hey, Jules.

We followed up on the gloves,

but couldn't get any definitive
evidence from the footage.

I think you and Lassie should probably

check it out for yourselves.

Good idea, Shawn.

We do have a few questions
we'd like to ask Danny.

All right.
Gotta go.

Got a Catamaran Cruise in ten minutes

and I don't have proper deck shoes.

Oh, I am so, so sorry
that our investigation

is interfering with
your dating life, Shawn.

Jules, come on.

You think I really
wanna be out on a boat,

sipping champagne and feeding grapes

to some bikini-clad
philanthropist?

No, look, I'll admit,
I was angry at first,

and maybe a little bit jealous,

but I'm not anymore.

Look, I'll be honest.

I'm doing everything I can
to fend Melinda off.

But in the end, I think my charms

may prove too much for her to resist.

You kiss her, you die.

Duly noted.

You never really liked
Todd Kramer, did you, Danny?

Wait, I'm sorry, detective.

What is happening in this scene?

This isn't a scene, son.

You're in serious trouble.

But TV trouble, though, right?

I mean, it's...

A man is in a coma.

And we want some answers,
so you better start talking.

Why was there a pair
of mechanic's gloves

in your stuff, Danny?

Wait, hold on.
Do you think

that I had something to do
with his accident?

Well, of all of
the contestants on the show,

you were the only one
that contacted them.

Yeah, I mean,
I saw the ad and I--

We went to the same college.

I thought maybe
it'd be fun to see her again.

Oh, right, right, it does say that

they took a creative writing
class together.

Yeah, about that.
You were a physics major.

So what were you doing taking
a creative writing class?

Hey, I'm sorry, is taking a
class outside my major a crime?

No, but stalking is.

Come on.

You're obsessed with Melinda.

You can't stand the idea
of another man having her.

Okay, listen.
Am I under arrest?

Not yet, but we'll be
seeing ya again, Danny.

Only on TV.

Dr. Womack,
what are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be
at the mansion?

I was and--
and I got a call.

Oh, man, they're gonna grill
you about Todd's accident, too.

They just accused me of being
a creepy stalker-type.

Do you believe that?

That is ridiculous. Everyone
knows that you're the--the--

Fun guy.

The fun guy.
The grill man.

Danny the fun grill man.

'Course I'm a grill man.

Stay strong, doctor.

Yeah, you too, Danny.

All right, peace.

Spencer, what the hell
are you doing here?

Do you wanna blow your cover?

I swung by early, so I can
get back by four o'clock

for the ice cream bar at the mansion.

Your guy is definitely
lying about something.

But we just couldn't nail him down.

Here's the good news.

Even though he considers me
direct competition,

Danny likes me.

Which means I can work him.

I can get a confession.

Oh, that's great, Shawn.

But you don't control the show.

How are you gonna keep Danny on it?

Hmm.

Do you accept my heart

and promise to protect it?

Uh, yeah, I suppose so.

Figuratively.

Literally would be kind of weird,

don't you think?

Just holding it?
Bloody and valve-y?

Yeah, I'll do it.

It's all right, man.
You tried.

Gus...

Hmm, look at that.

You get one, too.

Thank you.

I look forward to the opportunity

to get to know you better.

So sweet.

You're welcome.

I saw it.
I knew it was coming.

I was getting my heart on.

I just gave him a heart
'cause I felt bad for him.

I mean, he lost his fiancee
in a parachute accident.

Big choice.

The week after we get married,

hopefully we just make a ton of kids.

Uh, excuse me, sorry, sorry.

I just--I-I need
to say something to the group.

What the hell's going on now?

Melinda, if I may,
I know the decision is yours

who you wanna give the heart to,
but I think you should know

there is someone he amongst us

who does not have your best
interests in their heart.

- Brother's gone rogue.
- What do you mean?

Sean, what are you doing?

Well, uh, this person did not
come here with a clean heart.

They have a girlfriend.

This person...is Mario.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Do we stop taping?
What are we doing?

No, no, no, we go in
for close-ups. Hank!

Dude, what the hell?

Brown curly hair!

She has brown curly hair.

She likes to ride hogs.

She rides pigs?

You two guys are gonna get
your asses pummeled.

"You guys"? What's with
the "you guys" part?

Why is he saying "you guys"?

Not even that attractive, really.

Mustache issues.
What's her name, Mario?

Bros before hos!

Ooh, folks, we have got a fight.

Nnn-no, look--

Think about it!
Don't do it.

Think about it.

Now Melinda,

despite the unorthodox events
that have just happened,

you still have to decide
who gets your final heart.

I-I-I guess I ch-choose...

Once you see someone have
a complete mental breakdown,

it's probably a sign that
he's not a good match for you.

But...really
it just made me think

that Mario's
super-passionate.

But I kinda heard
my mom's voice in my head.

- But he's so mad--
- So then Danny.

Congratulations, Danny!

These guys are reality TV gold!

I know, I know!

So now that you've made a mockery

of a legitimate dating process
to keep this kid on the show,

what's our next move?

"Legitimate dating process"?

Yes, Shawn, legitimate.

We walk over there and
we make casual conversation.

We get him to reveal
his motive for k*lling Todd.

Sounds like a plan.

But just give it a b*at.

Let's let him get the patties
on the grill first.

There's no reason we can't eat

and investigate at the same time.

That's true, actually.

Dude, the patties aren't
on the grill yet.

Easy, tiger.

Oh, my God, he's bleeding.

Oh, he sure is.
Uh...

Is there a doctor in the house?

We need a doctor here!

Uh, you're a doctor.

That's a good point.
I am a doctor.

But I specialize in pulmonary
and sometimes brain.

Nose isn't really my forte.

Wow, seriously?
You have problems.

Uh, yeah.

We'll use this.

All right, here we go.

See? You're gonna be fine.

Deb, I wanna see Gianukos now.

What the--

Uh...Hey!

What are you doing here?

I want a cr*ck at that stalker nerd.

That man's hiding something.
What the hell happened here?

Okay, listen to me.

Your stalker nerd almost got
toasted a few minutes ago, okay?

He was the victim.

Everyone knows he does the grilling.

So unless he was trying
to k*ll himself,

he's not our suspect.

Now get out of here.

A very good-looking man
is in a coma,

and somebody caused it.

I'm putting an end to this circus now.

Listen up,
15-minuters.

Todd Kramer's crash
was not an accident.

Someone is trying to k*ll
the contestants

of this pathetic replacement
for human interaction.

Side note--true love
is not found on TV.

This pasty detective is right.

It's found in a women's
prison facility.

Wait a minute.
Someone's trying to k*ll me?

Brody, just breathe, man.

Yeah, and put a shirt on.

I'm sorry. I'm--I am,
really, I'm sorry.

I just--I don't know what
you guys are doing here.

Someone was almost
barbecued on your grill.

Thank you very much.

I will call the gas company
in the morning.

But right now, I believe two
people are breaking the law.

Oh, that's right, you guys.

Trespassing.
Hank, stop sh**ting.

What are you doing, you idiot?

You still here?

Hey, guys.

Listen, I had a vision.

It was Jay and Melinda.

Sordid. It was filthy.

Jules, cover your ears.

Shawn.

He hires a beautiful girl
for the show.

Then he falls in love with her.

And now he's jealous of all the guys

that are competing for her affections.

Especially the ones that she
actually likes, like Todd.

And me.

I don't think you fit
into that category, Shawn.

Oh, Jules, that's cute.

Hey, Brody, where are you going?

I'm quitting.

Look, Melinda's a nice girl

and she looks great naked.

But she's not worth dying over.

There's easier ways to get exposure.

When did he see her naked?

Hey, your back is gonna stick

to the leather seats
of that luxury sedan!

Poor Melinda.

Who does she possibly have
to choose from now?

Hello?

- I'm standing right here.
- I know.

Watch your toes.

Seriously? You're gonna put
all that oil in your head?

You know that's right.

Lavender.

Melinda likes a minty shine.

Would you focus?

We need to use this day to figure out

the real relationship
between Melinda and Jay.

Right, all I gotta do
is get her to admit

that she's secretly dating him.

Yeah, and I'll do most of the talking.

Since obviously
she's way more into me.

Man, please, her heart
is bleeding for me, Shawn.

My lady's 'chute didn't open.

She isn't even sure what your name is.

You have a girlfriend.

Shh. Real life,
not TV.

Hello, Melinda.

- Hi. Oh, thank you.
- Thank you for that.

Something's weighing on you.

Wow.

You are so intuitive, Shawn.

Yeah, I guess the pressure of
picking the right bachelor

is just causing me a lot of stress.

Believe me, I get it.

Is it possible that
there's someone else?

Someone you're involved with
in the nighttime?

Shawn.

May I cut in here?

This is a taco-burrito
conversation, nachos.

Excuse me, Shawn.

Oh, this is so dumb.

- May I propose a toast?
- Please.

To all the possibilities

of things we can get into
without Shawn...

or anybody else.

There isn't anyone else, is there?

Maybe someone...rotund?

I-I don't...

Cheers.

Goodnight, buddy, I'm cutting in.

- I just got here.
- Get outta here.

Let me add to that toast
with the following question.

How many guys have you slept with

since we started sh**ting this show?

He's an idiot.
I'm cutting back in.

You can't cut in to a cut in.

You cut into my cut in,
we're already mid-cut in.

I can't believe you right now.

Well, that's your problem.

Will you give us
a moment please, Melinda?

Excuse me.

You're doing it all stupid.

Oh, man, you don't know
what stupid is.

You don't ask somebody
how many dudes she slept with.

It's a perfectly legitimate
question when you're on a date.

No, that was not, Shawn,
no, it was not.

You need to go back
and read the player handbook.

You're like Ryan gosling when
he's singing with the ukulele

in Blue Valentine,
That's What You Are.

No, no, no, no, do not use
an obscure reference on me,

I get that, I get that.

Fine, fine. I'm right here,
I ain't going back out there.

I ain't goin' back out there either.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Are you kidding me?

All right, let's just--let's
reset for the fondue segment.

Fondue, I hear that.

What the hell is
going on with you guys?

It's like you're more into each
other than you are into me.

Yeah, look, that's--that's
fair, and--and I apologize

- for Gus' behavior.
- My behavior?

It's juvenile and
it's not very likable.

- Is it?
- It's highly unlikable.

- Wow.
- But answer us this.

Why have you been sleeping with Jay?

What?

I'm not sleeping with Jay.

We saw you kiss him behind the pool.

No, no.

Jay was just showing me how
to "sell the romance" on camera,

as he calls it.

It was just a rehearsal.

I felt really silly
about the whole thing.

But I didn't actually kiss him.

Wait, were you spying on me?

- Gus was.
- What?

I was busy saving Danny's life.

I will punch you in the face, Shawn.

It's true.

Wait, what--
you saved Danny's life?

I did what anybody else
would have done.

Okay, guys, um...

Guys, that was, um,

that was really good.

Really, really good energy.

And, um, maybe just--
just not so much pushing.

- Sorry about that.
- Got it.

Gus is prepared to pay
for all the profiteroles.

You must be out of your damn mind.

No, look, guys, guys, not necessary.

Jay's got this--this show
insured to the roof.

I mean, literally,
you could break the roof.

And Jay'd get a new roof.

Huh.

Okay, look, did I hit on Melinda?

Yes.

Guilty, huh?
Take me away.

But if you actually think that

I'm k*lling off
my own contestants one at a time

so that I can have
her to myself--

I mean, that's--that's crazy.

It does sound a little crazy.

You're free to go.

Thank you.

One more question.

Yeah?

Do you have an insurance
policy on the show?

Uh, yes, I do.

I'm a businessman.

And that means all of your
contestants are insured as well.

I suppose they are.

Correct me if I'm wrong here.

But this is all your own money
tied up in the show, right?

Yes, this is all my money
tied up in the show,

money that you will never see.

Why?

I d-don't understand.

Oh, well, let me see

if I can make this
a little clearer for you.

Sabotaging your own show
is the only way

you can dig yourself
out of this money pit.

We're gonna need
to see that insurance policy.

Wow, look at you two,
Mr. and Mrs. Policeman.

I hate to burst your bubble

and wipe those smiles off your faces,

but I've sold the show to NBC.

So why would I sabotage that?

NBC, huh?

Yeah.

Wow, that is just
super-impressive.

Who's your contact over there?

Because my old neighbor Jan's
in legal affairs

and maybe they know each other.

I'm Hilton Fox.
Welcome back.

Melinda, the time has come
for you to choose

who gets your final heart.

And who gets sent packing.

And whatever happens tonight,
you're not the loser.

One of them is.

Okay.
Shawn--

Yes.

You are a very...
odd person.

One minute, you're witty

and sarcastic and smart.

And the next...

you're like a six-year-old
looking for a popsicle.

We don't have any popsicles.

I checked--
I see what you mean.

And Gus...

Yes?

You're an...okay guy.

Well...

And I guess I could see us together.

But your fiancee

took your heart with her

when she hit the ground
in that Nevada airfield, so...

Uh, but who's gonna help me
raise my little boy, Rondell?

I can't raise him alone.

And his brother Mellard.

What is he gonna do?

And what about
his cousin Ray-Jay?

That's a lot of kids
you haven't mentioned.

Uh, I'm gonna choose Shawn.

Let's take a walk in the meadow.

Have fun, kids.

I've watched this exact scene
on TV so many times.

I never thought it would be me
in the limo, driving away.

Burton Guster, you are not
gonna cry in this limo.

Not today.

Oh, no, you're not.

Shawn...

Dancing here with you
under the moonlight...

It just...feels right.

Oh, I gotta take this.

Hold that thought, okay?

Jules!

Hey, we got Gianukos.

Yeah, it turns out
he never sold a show to NBC.

Lassiter called his bluff.

He lied so that

he could get a massive insurance
policy on the show,

and then he could k*ll and collect.

So thanks for the tip, Shawn.

That's how I do it
when I--when I do it.

But Jules, I can win this thing.

Do you hear me?

Off the show...Now.

Hey.
Thank you.

Sorry.

Uh, where--where
were we?

I just...I'm sorry if
I'm coming on a little strong.

It's just that...

See, I've always...

had these unrealistic
expectations of love.

When I was in college,

in a creative writing class,

I used to get these letters on
my desk from a secret admirer.

They would say things like

"The heart is
the only muscle in the body

"that can be broken
by a harsh word--"

And repaired with a gentle touch.

Shawn, why are you showing us this?

I just wanted to show you proof

that I carried myself
like a gentleman,

and did the right thing.

Fire her up, Steve.

Oh, no.

I'm s--I'm so sorry.

I knew Jay's advice was wrong.

Men don't like women
to make the first move.

Oh, no, no, no.
It's not you.

You're--you're
perfect...-ish.

It's me. I have
a confession to make.

I'm not a doctor.

Yeah, I kind of figured that

when you said you graduated
from Bob Hoskins Medical School.

That's not all.

I have a girlfriend.

And things are going really well.

And...we flip it around
when the lights are down

three, four times a week.

Sometimes five,
depending on our case loads.

What?

Why would you do this to me?

Let me explain, okay?

My real job, Melinda,
is psychic detective.

I was brought in here
to solve a crime.

And right now, I am sensing

that this beautiful, unattainable love

that you so desperately seek
is not only very real,

but much closer than you think.

Danny?

Danny is the one that wrote

all of those beautiful
anonymous letters to you

in creative writing class.

He's always been in love with you.

And he is the only one here

that truly wants
to protect your heart.

That was you?

Wow.

I've loved you a long time.

Yeah.

- We're good.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

And love conexion.

Whoa, what was that?

Looks like some sort of glitch.

Oh, we call that a jump cut.

Just indicates a missing
piece of footage.

Or time.

If someone removed footage,
where would it go?

Outer space, I believe.
Correct, Steve?

Uh, no, it's not correct.

But it's almost impossible

to make footage disappear permanently.

I've got it backed up on, like,
a million different sources.

Hey, Steve, can you, uh, can
you bring up the footage

from the day Danny almost
got his face b*rned off?

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

The reappearing cup.

And--and can you show us the
raw footage from the bedroom?

The night those gloves
landed in Danny's cubbyhole.

'Kay.

Hank?

The camera guy?

You put the wrong guy in custody.

Jay didn't sabotage his own show.

Where's Hank now?

He's on location filming
Melinda and Danny

for the proposal date finale.

Hank?

- Gus!
- What?

Let's go!

Are you serious?

Spencer, where the hell are you going?

Danny!

Shawn!

Don't take that leap!

No, Shawn, don't worry.
We talked about it.

We're ready for marriage!

Yeah! We're in love.

- Yeah!
- Thanks to you, Shawn.

No, no, no, not that leap.

The chute, it's not safe!

What?

The chute!

Yeah! No,
it's the final sh**t.

Shawn, Shawn, I don't know about you,

but the last time I checked,
I wasn't faster than a plane.

You know, buddy, in retrospect,

I may have miscalculated on this one.

Put the camera down.

Are you filming me right now?
Stop filming me!

Put it down!

Get out here.

Hank, I know you were the one

that had the idea for this show first.

But yours was called Passing Ships.

Am I right?

Yes.

A show about a female contestant

who's reintroduced

to suitors from her past
who she could have met

but overlooked.

How did you--

It's my skill set, Jack.

You thought Jay was
gonna make you a partner,

but instead he went out,
sold this thing without you.

He was lying,
but you didn't know that.

When Jay started bragging
about the show,

you decided you were
gonna sabotage this thing

at all costs to make sure
it wasn't successful.

Hank, stop filming.

What are you doing, you idiot?

That's cold, Hank.
Cold-blooded, Hank.

Your final plan was to switch
out Danny boy's chute...

with Gus' dirty laundry.

That's not my laundry, Shawn.

What are you saying?

That's not my laundry.

You saying I'm holding on
to some random dude's drawers?

I guess so.

You two were gonna fall
to your deaths.

Like your poor fiancee.

What?

Wait a minute,
whose drawers are these?

I don't--I don't know.

Take 'em.

- No.
- Take these!

I don't want them, Shawn.

Take these drawers!

I ain't gonna take them.

Take 'em!
Suck 'em!

And welcome back to the
Paths of Love reunion show

where we check in and see how
our bachelors have been doing.

First things first,

I will be starring
in a brand-new

Tyler Perry
Sci-Fi epic called

I Ain't Gettin' On No Rocket.

Now those of you who caught
the last episode,

you know that Shawn had a hand
in playing Cupid.

Oh, what can I say?

I love making love.

Especially on television.

I had a fantastic time on the show.

Now that wasn't always the case.

Let's take a look at some of
your highlights from the show.

What the eff?

Hey, guys, come on.

Who doesn't put the lid
on the ice cream back?

Look at this, what is this?

You know what that is?
That's freezer burn.

We're bachelors,

it doesn't mean that
we're living alone.

The first thought that I had
when I walked down those stairs

and saw Melinda standing there,

um, in that ruffly dress, was, um,

"Not bad for a stand-in.

"I wonder, uh,
what the re--

what the actual bachelorette
is gonna look like."

* Melinda's face

* is on top of her neck

* Melinda's face is under her hair *

* under her hair, under her hair *

Shawn and Gus, that was a
really interesting relationship.

It was kind of hard to...
penetrate that twosome.

Initially, when they came
into the house,

I, um, I actually thought that
they may have been together.

I mean, they're really
into each other.

Like, really into each other.

You were such a cute baby.

And to think, that little bundle
grew up to be a surgeon.

Did you have a feeling?

Shawn, the surgeon, yes, yes.

I, we--yeah, yeah, come on,
it's no wonder.

He was always interested
in medicine, and uh, he...

I-I'm--I'm sorry,
I-I-I can't do this.

This--this--this girl
is way too good for my son.

No...

I-I wouldn't vote for him.

Your call.

Wow.

Is this a joke?

Come back over here.

Have some more lemonade.

I don't want any lemonade!

Wow, well, that is
a Paths of Love first.

We've now saved the best for last.

Danny...

It's highly unlikely that you
would be sitting in that chair

if not for the two-month
medically-induced coma

of this gentleman.

Bachelors, put your hands
together for Todd Kramer.

Alive and well.

- Hey.
- Wow.

I was dreaming about you in the coma.

Oh, okay.

I gotta tell you, it is rough
out there in the real world.

Being single and hunting for love.

Yeah, but it's--
it's not the real world, Shawn.

It's a TV show.

Hey, hey.
Okay.

Oh, my God.

I'm saying it's nice, it's
nice that you're in my life.

You know?
That you're always

standing by my side.

It feels good.

Feels right.

Huh?

- Jules?
- What?