02x03 - Girls' Night

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Resident Alien"...

This is what is left of my spaceship.

This happened to you
because you went to space.

I don't think that's how space works.

- What else could it be?
- I have no idea.

That little sh*t pocket.

I forgot to tell you, my people
are coming to k*ll everyone.

You're an alien, you know, phone home.

Call them and tell them not to come.

I will try to build a radio
and contact my people.

The government is after him.

They know that I know who he is.

- What?
- And they went back to their base,

and now they're driving
around searching for him.

How do you know where their base is?

We have our ways.

Hello, Asta. We need to speak

with Dr. Vanderspeigle
about that severed foot.

Well, I'll be.

Botulinum toxin... The m*rder w*apon.

- Oh, no.
- Where is he, Asta?

He went to hide in the cellar.

Dr. Vanderspeigle!

- Whoa, what's with the g*ns?
- Asta?

What in holy hell?

[GROANING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

That faint one there is Mars,

the God of w*r.

And over there is Venus,
the goddess of fertility.

- Venus rhymes with penis.
- [LAUGHS]

D'arcy, Judy, that's not funny.

Is there a girl hero?

Olivia Baker, did we raise
our hand before we spoke?

Ben didn't raise his hand.

Ben is working on being more assertive,

so it's okay for him.

[WHOOSHING]

Wow, what's that?

Let's go! Asta, Kayla, come on!

- Cool!
- Wait up!

Hey, hey! Never leave a fire unattended.

- I'll stay.
- [CHILDREN SHOUTING EXCITEDLY]

♪♪

Okay, hold up... I'm coming with you.

♪♪

I looked, but there was nothing.

- I didn't see anything.
- I did. I saw something.

Olivia Baker, you know
the rules about lying.

♪♪

Did you really see something?

No.

♪♪

Okay.

[LAIDBACK ACOUSTIC STRUMMING]

♪♪

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Dr. Vanderspeigle!

Dr. V!

Where the hell is he? Oh, sh*t!

Put your hands above
your head right now.

You're under arrest for
the m*rder of Sam Hodges.

What? Harry, what's going on?

♪♪

You're going to have to catch me first.

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!

Deputy, we got ourselves a werewolf!

- What?
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hey!

- Freeze!
- Don't sh**t him!

Him? That's a g*dd*mn it!

You need a silver b*llet in your ass,

you albino-ass werewolf mother...

[g*nshots]

No, he won't hurt you
if you don't hurt him!

He's an alien!

I knew they existed.

♪♪

♪ Love and affection
is all that you lack ♪

You know what?

I think we deserve
a toast with our toast.

Good work on the Severed
Foot k*ller, Deputy.

It's gonna be nice to
move on to something else.

Thank you, sir. You too.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

I don't want to put my "foot"

- in my mouth...
- [LAUGHS]

But I think we deserve to
have more of this bacon.

And maybe even a raise!

Ha! You know what?

Now that I think about it,
you're absolutely right.

I mean, now's the time, and
you've certainly earned it.

Let's get some more of that bacon.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [DOOR OPENS, BELLS JINGLE]

[DOOR CLOSES, BELLS JINGLE]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

Morning, Dr. V.

Howdy.

How... dy.

Wow, I guess it worked.

I am an alien.

We are very good at
changing peoples' memories

to suit our purposes.

They will not be a problem anymore.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪♪

Deputy, let's get into the car

and drive out to
Dr. Vanderspeigle's house.

We need to talk to him
about some m*rder stuff.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Sheriff Michael Thompson,
Deputy Olivia Baker,

Special Agent Fisher, FBI.

We're tracking down
the Dead Foot k*ller.

We've been following your movements

for quite some time now,

and I have to say, you
two do excellent work.

Thank you. You've made
me feel good about myself,

so I'm open to what
you're going to say next.

We wouldn't be where we are
if it wasn't for you both.

But the time has come for
us to take over this case.

Well, if you're taking over,

we should stop looking into the crime.

Exactly. I can only tell
you one thing about the case.

The m*rder*r is not Harry Vanderspeigle.

Well, you're lucky they bought that.

You know, when we were in the crevasse,

I saw you were an alien.

Why didn't you replace my memory?

Because I am not alone anymore.

You can thank me if you want.

For what?

I k*lled the man who
k*lled your friend Sam.

You are welcome.

- Okay, Harry...
- Hmm?

You're still a m*rder*r.

No. I am a m*rder*r
m*rder*r. It's very different.

You can rationalize your
m*rder*r m*rder all damn day.

[WHISPERING] But guess what.

Abigail Hodges is still accused
of a m*rder she didn't commit.

So what? You do not even like her.

What is wrong with you?

Do you really have
no empathy whatsoever?

That is not what is wrong with me.

That is what is right with me.

Maybe you should try

putting yourself in
other people's shoes.

Ugh! Other people's shoes
smell like other people's feet.

Hi, I'm Ben Hawthorne,

Mayor of peaceful Patience, Colorado,

where sometimes bad things happen

that are totally unrelated.

Some of the highest peaks in Colorado

are right here in Patience,
but you know what's really low?

Our mortality rate.

I don't think you
should say "mortality."

- No?
- No.

No good? You're right,
it's a little too dark.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Uh, Alexa?

What is another word for "mortality"?

Synonyms for "mortality" meaning "death"

include "fatality,"
"bloodshed," or "dying."

Alexa, stop.

Uh, you know what?

Let's just lose the whole,
you know, death theme.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Keep it positive.

- Yeah, keep it light.
- Keep it loose.

- Yeah.
- Okay, let me, uh...

Let me just try some of these.

Come on down to Patience.

We still have a working phone booth.

We have a pretty good dentist.

Our meth hospitalizations
have been way down

since we legalized marijuana.

So come to Patience

for some good, clean
family fun, you hear?

Oh! Oops

How'd that get in there?

See, honey, this is... This
is why I said not to use

the cloud for these... It's not safe.

Oh, don't be so uptight.

What's the worst that happens, huh?

Somebody hacks into our account

and sees pictures of our BDSM kink play?

- What's BDSM kink play?
- It's... uh, it's...

- Did we get a new game?
- It's nothing.

It's nothing. No, we did not, okay?

Go clean your room... my cousin
Carlyn's coming for the night.

Can I play kink play
with you and your cousin?

BOTH: No!

Uh, because she and I are going hiking.

- You go clean your room.
- [SIGHS]

So how long will
building this radio take?

- Can I help?
- Ha! Ha!

I don't know. Can a newborn pig
help perform cardiac surgery?

All right, you might want
to think of another metaphor

before I push you into traffic.

I'm just trying to save
the human race here.

My problem is I do not have
a lot of time to build it,

and human technology is very limited.

I don't know what to tell you, Harry.

Get creative.

You know, E.T. used a
freakin' Speak & Spell.

E.T. was an idiot.

Obviously, sexy.

Very attractive...

but so dumb.

Well, at least we
have fewer distractions

now that your criminal
past is taken care of.

Almost taken care of.

- Now it is taken care of.
- Are you serious?

Maybe don't throw a deadly toxin

- where any kid can just grab it.
- Mm.

Have you not watched
enough "Law & Order" to know

you don't just throw
evidence into a trash can?

Who's the idiot now?

Still E.T.

Beautiful moron.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

♪♪

- What?
- Dr. Vanderspeigle,

I am so glad you're home.

This is my cousin Carlyn.

Hi. Sorry.

We were out hiking, and she
tripped and cut her knee open.

- I was hoping you could help.
- And she's dying?

Oh, no. [CHUCKLES]
It just needs to be looked at.

I was gonna take her into town,

but Dr. Smallwood is...

Well, Susan Brown went
in with a broken wrist

and came out with a cast on her ankle.

If I fix it...

you'll leave?

Uh, yes.

Mm.

Oh, this looks like a ring resonator.

Are you... Are you building a laser?

Are you a talking ham?

Carlyn works in a lab
at New Mexico Tech.

- She's one smart lady.
- I'm impressed.

For a layman, this is
really quite advanced.

It is software-based

radio-telemetry-transceiver technology,

but the inside-out potato chip bag

that I'm using as
a diffuser keeps melting.

Wow.

I've never known a guy who was into SDR

who wasn't also, like,
you know, a troll.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Trolls live under bridges.

I am not one of them.

It means she thinks you're handsome.

♪♪

I have a handsome human face.

And my skin tone is the
same as a dead soldier

in a Renaissance painting.

♪ I'm just messin' around ♪

♪ I'm just messin' around ♪

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

♪ I'm just messin' around, around ♪

♪ I'm just messin' around ♪

Oh. Yes.

♪ Around, and I like it ♪

Just, whatever you do,
don't eat the snacks.

Benny. Kate.

Long time, no see...
Well, together anyway.

I saw you up close and
personal the other night.

What other night?

Poker.

Why? What night did you
think I was talking about?

- Hi, I'm Carlyn.
- Hey. D'arcy.

So can I get you guys some sliders?

Day-old buns help
disguise the week-old meat.

We'll just... We'll stick to liquids.

We just wanted to show Carlyn
the town, and now we have.

It took about nine minutes.

Well, if you're here tonight,

my friend Kayla just called a GN .

It's, like, a party but with
a decent chance of prison time.

Sounds fun.

Yeah. Yeah.

When anything stressful
or shitty happens,

anyone in our friend
group can call a GN .

You have to drop everything

and go tits out on a huge girls' night.

Yeah, it's really fun. You should come.

Well, can't tonight.
We have dinner plans.

But, uh, wouldn't mind
ordering a few drinks, though,

if you can just find that bartender.

Oh, come on, Kate-o.

You just said you'd seen
everything in the town.

Yeah, we should totally do it.

I mean, when's the last time

you let Kendra out to play, huh?

Who's Kendra?

Kendra was her alter ego
when she drank too much.

Oh, yeah, she brought her out
at a family reunion once...

Real wild child.

Oh, I'm sad. You've never met Kendra.

- Yeah. News to me.
- I'm sad, too.

Uh, I'll have a pilsner,
what would you ladies like?

Come on.

Okay.

Okay. Let's do it.

- Oh.
- We'll do it.

Oh, but, hon, we already got a sitter.

Perfect. Call a friend.
You can go out, too.

Ugh! Yes!

[GRUNTS] Can we get
some service around here?

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Sahar, I need your help.

Wait, when did you get a dog?

I'm not allowed to have a dog.

I walk Cinnamon for my neighbors.

She hasn't pooped in three days.

Why not?

She swallowed a whole avocado.

I don't walk behind her anymore.

Ew!

You got to help me shave again.

Your face looks fine.

It's not my face.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- Oh. What?
- What?

- I need a lawnmower for that!
- What do I do?

I can help you,

but we're gonna need some privacy.

I found it last week.

Your mom's phone still had battery.

They just...

left it here.

Cool.

♪♪

[BIRD SQUAWKING]

♪♪

[RADIO SQUEALING]

Okay.

All right, where are we going, General?

♪♪

[STATIC WHIRS] No.

No, no, no. No, don't die on me now.

Come on.

Come on.

♪♪

[WHIRRING STOPS]

Damn it! [SIGHS]

Where the hell am I
gonna find a new dish?

[SIGHS]

♪♪

I feel bad doing this.

♪♪

Why aren't you looking?

It's against my religion
to look at the naked back

of a man who's not my
relative or my husband.

Plus, it's disgusting.

Is it gonna hurt?

My mom says when she waxes her legs,

it feels like being stung
by a thousand hornets.

Then why does she do it?

Because as soon as we hit puberty,

Western culture tells women
we're not okay as we are.

We must rip out stuff
that's supposed to be there,

insert stuff that's not
supposed to be there,

and bleach everything
visible to the naked eye.

Hey, being a man is hard, too.

I have to brush my teeth sometimes.

I take it back.
I don't feel bad anymore.

- [STRIP TEARS]
- [ECHOING] Aah!

Miguel...

my belle.

What the hell did you just call me?

No, nothing, bro-ham.

Just, uh, taking a
little breaky, you know?

A little break-a-rindo.

[OBJECT SQUEAKS]

Dog toy.

Oh, you got one of
those, uh, Zen gardens.

I love these things.

May I? [CHUCKLES]

Yep. Yeah, more, uh, relaxed already.

So, um, I was just wondering...

I'll... I'll get that.

Hey, uh, you ever
tried those wheat beers?

You know, the one where
you put the lemon in there?

I hear they're, uh...
They're pretty tasty.

What do you want, bro-ham?

What, are you asking me
out on a date or something?

No, no. Uh, well, yeah.

Uh, but a guy date...
Guy hang, you know?

Just a couple brews, mano a mano,

"caliente accione."

Look, I ain't got time for that, okay?

I take care of my father at home.

- Sure.
- Now, I need you to clean up

all this damn sand

'cause I need minutes
of raking every day

so I can relax.

I happen to know that Lewis would love

to get out of the house and have a beer.

I'll think about it. How about that?

- I'll... I'll think about it.
- He'll definitely be there.

♪ I've got you stuck in my head ♪

Thanks for letting us crash your party.

The more, the merrier.

You know, a few GN s ago,

we actually needed a few extra people

and a wheelbarrow to carry D'arcy home.

- Oh, wait. No.
- [CHUCKLES]

Yeah. I came prepared this time.

I might need to make
a quick getaway, so...

- Hey. Hi.
- [GASPS] Hi.

[BOTH SMOOCH]

- Hi.
- Hi, this is my cousin Carlyn.

- Hi. Kayla.
- Hey.

- Nice to meet you.
- Are you okay? What happened?

Yeah, is everything okay with Shane?

Yes. Yeah, he's fine.

I just needed to get out of the house.

Oh, okay, I was worried.

Can I just say... As
a mom, I'm with you.

Sometimes needing to get out
of the house is an emergency.

Yes. Yes, thank you.

You know, you just need
a kid... and a man-free zone.

- Mm-hmm.
- Amen to that.

I mean, I don't have a kid or a man,

but, you know, anecdotal
evidence would support that.

The town I live in,
all the men really suck.

My lab supervisor thinks
grabbing my buttocks

is one of his job perks.

- Ew.
- I was really beginning

to think I was never
gonna meet a nice guy.

Till today, that is.

- Wait, you met a guy here?
- Mm-hmm.

- Today?
- In Patience?

- Mm-hmm.
- No way. Who?

[UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC]

- Jesus God.
- Oh.

♪♪

♪ I've got you stuck in my head ♪

What are you doing here?

You told me that every minute
you're not working on the radio

is a minute we all come
closer to certain death.

I am working on the radio,

but without a diffuser,
it will never work.

The pony-haired one's cousin

is a scientist in a lab...

that uses portable diffusers.

So what?

I know that I am not as pretty as E.T.

[CHUCKLES]

I do not have his bulbous football head

or his squat corgi legs or his...

platypus feet,

but I can be a charming alien

when I need to be.

Mm, mm, mm.

So do you come here a lot?

♪♪

Mm.

Of all the gin joints in all the world,

this one is closest to my house.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING AWKWARDLY]

♪♪

What is that perfume?

Jergens Intense Moisture Therapy.

I did a BM earlier,
so I had to wash them.

I get acute dermatitis

'cause I scrub them so often in the lab,

so I carry it in my purse.

Mm. I don't wash my
hands after I urinate.

The skin on my penis is very clean.

Gram keeps asking about Harry.

- Uh-huh.
- I think she likes him.

I think she wants you to have his baby.

- Ew! Gross! Shut up!
- [CHUCKLES]

You shut up.

Hey, actually, can I ask

your professional
opinion about something?

Mm-hmm.

What do you think is gonna
happen to Abigail Hodges?

You know, Sam's wife?

Um, you think she's gonna go to jail?

You know, criminal law
isn't really my area,

but from what I've read,

I don't think they're
gonna get a conviction.

- Oh.
- Yeah, sorry.

- No, that's good.
- Oh.

Um, you know, I mean, if
she... if she didn't do it.

Oh, but she probably did.
I mean, it's always the spouse.

I'm a lawyer, too.

No way. Where do you practice?

I don't.

I gave up my dream to be
a mom and live in this tiny town.

Now I'm happy. sh*ts?

♪♪

I would like to...

go by your work.

Maybe you could give
me a tour of your lab.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

I love that you're interested.

That's very flattering, but I can't.

The security is so tight, not
dissimilar to my vag*na.

Your vag*na is like a lab?

Yeah, it's... It's tough to get in.

- It is?
- Lots of neat stuff once you're there.

- Are there monkeys in cages?
- No.

Maybe it would be funny...

Ha ha ha!

A big joke if you stole

- a telemetry diffuser...
- [LAUGHS]

And gave it to me.

- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- They would freak out.

They would freak out.
You could be so funny.

- You're a kidder.
- [LAUGHS]

You should do it.

- Oh, my God.
- Do it!

- [LAUGHS] No.
- Do it.

But you are so sweet to ask.

♪♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪♪

- Oh.
- [OBJECTS CLATTER]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[ROCK MUSIC]

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Hey, is that Liv?

Tell her to hurry up. She's late.

Uh, no, it's just Jay. Just guy drama.

Oh. Wow, you... you guys text?

Yeah, mostly emojis. Mostly eggplants.

Wow, that's cool.
You guys are buddies now.

Hey, GN rs.

- ALL: Hey!
- Sorry, I'm late!

Trixie wouldn't start.
I had to jump her again.

Thank God you're finally here.

Hey-o! Sorry! I'm late, too.

But I'm here, though, finally, right?

Ooh, thank you. I could use that.

That's... Never mind.

Ugh, what is that?

It's a gin and tonic.

- [SPITS]
- BOTH: Oh.

Ugh, it's, like, fancy.

Okay, I got to piss. I'll be back.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

- You text her?
- No!

- How does she always know?
- She always knows.

♪♪

All right.

All right, this is great.

Nope, wife in the corner.
We're out of here.

Where else do you plan to go, son?

This isn't New York City.

Hey! Benny!

Your girl's safe with me, okay?

- But am I safe with her?
- Oh.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

Do you have any beer
with rat poison in it?

What's wrong with this one, huh?

♪ Swing, little darling ♪

♪ Swing until your daddy come home ♪

Kate, you did good.

It was so nice of Ben to take
the Sheriff out for a drink.

Ben is so sweet.

No, he's not. He's a dirty little bitch.

- Hmm.
- I'm sorry?

[CHUCKLES] Gird your loins, ladies.

- I think Kendra has arrived.
- Oh, yeah.

The mayor is a nasty piece of work.

I cannot wait to get home

and let him slap a puppy hood on me

and jam a ball gag in my mouth.

Oh, what?

Ben... The one who makes candles?

Uh, the wax he has
isn't just for candles.

I have a nine-inch
ice dildo in my freezer

that Max thinks is for my water bottles.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, God, this is my favorite night.

This is the best night of my life.

Can you please stop
looking at your wife?

- It's weird.
- Look, I, uh...

I got to talk to you about something.

It's driving me crazy.

Okay, so, about a week ago,

D'arcy sort of...

- kissed me.
- [CHUCKLES]

It was a drive-by. Not my fault.

No tongue.

Some tongue.

I just... I really think
that I should tell Kate.

Have you... Have you lost your mind?

You don't ever tell, never.

Now, hold on a minute... the man
said he didn't reciprocate.

It don't matter. This is something
you take to your grave, okay?

Well, maybe I could, um...

I could write her a note,

you know, explaining what happened.

You want to... You want
to write her a note?

Okay. All right, look,
here's what I want you to do.

Here go $ .

Now, I want you to go down to the mall.

All right, you know that kiosk

where they'll write your
name on a grain of rice?

Right, you're gonna
give that guy that $ .

He gonna write your note on
the end of a b*llet, right?

Now, I want you to take that b*llet.

I want you to put it
in a g*n and go home

and stand in your bathtub.

Now, you also gonna need a phone book...

Not something thin like Patience,

something with some girth
like... like Denver, right?

And you gonna put that phone book

up against one side of your head,

and you gonna take that g*n

and put it against
the other side, right?

And then you're gonna
sh**t you right in the head,

and that b*llet's gonna fly
right through and lodge itself

right around the D's, for dumbass.

And she'll get your note.

♪♪

But I'm dead.

You tell her, you dead anyway.

[LAUGHTER]

You guys, what the hell
is happening over there?

Ooh, I think we know
what's going to happen.

- ALL: Oh...
- I don't... I don't trust him.

Your pulse is quickening.

Your upper sternum is becoming flushed.

You are becoming aroused.

- I am now.
- Hey, Harry.

Can I please talk to you for a second?

- I am so busy.
- Now.

♪♪

Don't go changing.

♪♪

What is it?

She is about to present
like an engorged macaque.

You are preying on this woman.

I am not preying on her.

I am seducing her so I can
steal her security badge,

then I can break into
the lab and steal a diffuser,

and then finish my radio.

That's a terrible plan.

You're gonna swipe her badge

and... and just use it
at some high-security lab

and think no one will notice?

More importantly,

you... you can't just
use people like that.

It's cruel.

I am giving her compliments.

She is happy like a baby,

like a stupid, happy baby.

You'll just never understand
what it's like to be a woman.

That is true.

♪♪

I am going to leave now.

Good night!

- Wait, what just happened?
- Uh...

- What... what did I do?
- Nothing. I'm sorry.

All the men in this town suck, too.

♪♪

Don't sweat it, Carly Q.

It's supposed to be
a girls' night anyway.

Yeah, that's easy for you to say.

I saw that ice dildo in your freezer.

- Whoo!
- Okay, all right.

Okay, uh, Judy's clothes are coming off.

Time to go to the yacht spot. Come on.

Ooh, we're going on a boat?

Uh, no, Asta used to
have this station wagon

we called "The Yacht," and we'd drive it

to the middle of the woods
and drink and sing like idiots.

And, plus, it's where I usually barf,

so it's kind of like a boat in that way.

- Oh.
- I should go.

You know, I got to get
up early and drive, so...

ALL: No.

Okay. Well, I'll come with you.

No, no, no, you stay. I'm fine.

- You sure?
- Uh, she's sure.

When you brought ice dildos
into this conversation,

you made a commitment to this night.

[LAUGHTER]

This takes me back, Dad.
You want to go back too?

[CHUCKLES]

What? Oh, Jesus Christ.

- You feel it, Sheriff?
- Ah...

- You want to feel it?
- Oh, Lord, have mercy.

Aw, come on. Dance with the girl.

Is that what you call it?

Hey, don't be pushing me off the stool.
What's wrong with you?

Okay. All right, yeah, go ahead.

Hey, hon, you, uh... you
heading home to pay the sitter?

Nope, you pay her. We
are going to the yacht spot.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Ooh.

I cannot wait for the
re-election campaign.

It's... Respect, okay?

- We're so proud of you.
- I'm really proud of you.

Do you need... do you
need ice in that drink?

Oh, yeah. [LAUGHING]

Tell me more about the guy
who does the rice thing.

[UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC]

♪♪

[REGGAE MUSIC]

♪♪

You remember class
camping trips out here?

[CHUCKLES] Yes.

Third grade, D'arcy
rolling in poison ivy...

- on a dare.
- [CHUCKLES]

We had to take turns itching her.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, my God.

Oh.

She's always been so her.

She's free.

Not everyone can be like that.

Everyone loves her.

It's a superpower...

not caring what anyone thinks.

Everyone loves you, too.

Yes, but it's only because I'm nice.

[SCOFFS]

You gave me a ticket once

for locking my bike to a stop sign.

You're not that nice.

♪♪

[BOTH TRILLING TONGUE GOOFILY]

♪♪

- [MUSIC SKIPPING]
- Oh, Christ on a cr*cker!

- What?
- No!

Oh, relax, you complete degenerates.

I keep a battery charger in my trunk!

- [ALL BOOING]
- Poop car! Poop car!

Oh, Liv, I can't believe you
still drive this death trap.

Oh, it's fine. I'm used to it.

You know, I read recently
that they make new cars now.

[CHUCKLES] John wants
a new riding mower,

and we have money set
aside for that, so...

John's getting a new riding mower

before you get a car
that actually works?

Well, it was my idea.

He makes more than I do, so it's fair.

Hold up. John makes more than you?

I do what John does.

You put your life on the line every day.

When... when's the last
time you got a raise?

I've never gotten a raise.

- What?
- Oh.

- Okay, no, no.
- Wow.

[WHISPERING] I'm not
sure this is a good idea.

Oh, it's not, but we're doing it anyway.

As a city employee,

your salary is part
of the town's budget.

So we got to figure
out how big is this pie

and why is your piece so g*dd*mn small.

[GASPS] Especially when
you're a freakin' Picasso.

Did you draw this picture?

Yeah, I draw police
composites of criminals,

which we are now.

Hey! This is my husband's office, okay?

We can be wherever we want.

We didn't technically break
in, because we had a key.

[LIQUID SPLASHING]

- Judy!
- Judy!

Shh! Stop!

Wait, found it, found it, found it.

"Civic Payroll for the Town
of Patience, Colorado."

No one's gonna know.

As a woman in this world,

you need to fight for what you deserve.

And you deserve a g*dd*mn raise.

Ugh. Jesus Christ! Who's Peter Jignac?

I think he's, um,
a crossing guard, I think.

He makes enough for a new
riding mower and a new car.

What?

- Who's Brandon Touter?
- Oh.

He's the new science teacher.

He's actually a really nice guy.

Well, he makes twice what you do.

Prick.

What? Weren't you a lawyer?

I have a JD/PhD. What the...?

Who the hell is in
charge of this budget?

I know who.

- He lives in my g*dd*mn house.
- [GASPS]

♪ For all the ones who bum me out ♪

♪ sh*t list ♪

♪ For all the ones who
fill my head with doubt ♪

♪ sh*t list ♪

♪ For all the squares
who get me pissed ♪

♪ sh*t list ♪

♪ You've made my sh*t list ♪

♪ sh*t list ♪

♪♪

[INHALES SHARPLY]

[SHOUTS] Kidnappers!

- [PERSON CHUCKLES]
- Oh, no. Oh, no. Nope.

- Wake up.
- You're not having a nightmare, Ben.

- We are.
- You know what's a nightmare?

Getting paid cents on the dollar.

- What?
- Yeah, there is a blatant pay gap

between the male and female
employees of this town.

What? No, a-a-as mayor, I
only sign off on budgets...

A-a-as mayor, you need to fix this!

Yeah, the blatant sexism makes me sick.

- Yeah, damn right.
- Sick.

- Oh, honey.
- It's really gross.

- Sick to my stomach.
- No, no.

- Oh.
- Oh, God, no.

- [RETCHING]
- Oh.

You're my best friend.

- That's right.
- I love you.

- You see that?
- It's coming up.

[COUGHING]

- [GROANS]
- It hurts.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Harry.

I brought coffee.

[GROANS]

We're gonna need to make
a plan about that radio...

Oh, God!

No! Don't tell me you
hooked up with Harry.

Okay, I will not.

Wait.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

♪♪

- Harry?
- Hi, Asta.

Oh, God! sh*t!

You have to come with me to New Mexico,

but, first, can you teach me how to pee?

_

She hasn't blinked the entire trip.

♪♪

Oh, this is wrong, Harry.

♪♪

Ooh.

Ah! Wrong and super weird.

It was your idea for me to become her.

No, no, no, no, no,
do not put this on me.

I would never tell you to
take over a woman's body

without her consent.

She wanted me to take
over her body last night

with my penis, but I did not do that.

Oh, God, no.

It's not just about her body, okay?

It's a whole life we're invading.

There has to be a better way.

To access a microsatellite
network in time

to tell my people not to come here

and melt you all like
crayons in a hot car?

I'll wait.

[SIGHS] sh*t.

sh*t. sh*t.

- Right here?
- No, no, Harry.

Let's just get this over with.

That's what you were wearing last night,

so you have to go change
before you get to the lab.

This body is quite stout.

Hurry.

Fine.

This doesn't make any sense.

This says plasma levels

of testosterone and triiodothyronine

were diminished after space flight,

but it seems like your
testosterone levels

are getting higher.

What am I missing?

I mean, do you feel
like it's accelerating?

[SMOOTH MUSIC]

♪♪

Why are you looking at me like that?

Hello, pretty lady.

Oh, no!

So is this it now?

You're just gonna change
into different people

whenever you want?

Under normal circumstances,

it is too difficult to do often,

but the energy balls from my ship

make it effortless,

and they work on the organic
matter in clothing as well.

Except I think it got my bra size wrong.

The wire leaves dents in my skin.

Yeah, well, wait until
you put on a thong.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

[DEVICE BEEPING]

♪♪

[DEVICE BEEPS]

♪♪

Oh, yes.

♪♪

Working late, Carlyn, my darlin'?

I'm just trying to...

bring home the salt-cured pork slices.

[GRUNTS]

Good night.

Why don't you stick around for a bit?

[DIPLOMATS OF SOLID SOUND'S "NO MAN"]

♪ I think you got it all figured out ♪

- [CHOKING]
- ♪ But you ain't got a clue ♪

Aah!

[SCREAMING]

♪ When's gonna be the time
I say enough is enough? ♪

♪ I ain't nobody's sucker ♪

♪ Nobody's gonna stand in my way ♪

♪♪

Are you sure she's not
gonna feel any different?

I mean, what does she
think happened to her

in the last hours?

She will remember going to sleep

at Mayor Snowflake's house,
driving home in the morning,

and then having a pleasant
nap on the couch.

Long nap.

She likes long naps.

And it is better than being
awake for her real life.

Her boss is a bad man.

Yeah, she said something about that.

Mm. He will not bother her again.

What did you do?

The same thing you would have done...

if you had the strength of six gorillas.

I am glad to be out of her body.

People treated it
like break-room yogurt.

Even though her name was on it,

they felt comfortable molesting it

when they were hungry.

It is awful being short.

Harry, that's not because she's short.

That's being a woman.
Welcome to our world.

You mean you all feel
the eyes hunting you

like a baby deer in the woods,
just walking down the street?

Yeah. I tried to tell you.

You know, next time a woman
tries to tell you something,

sit down, shut up, and listen.

And if you feel the
need to say anything,

all it needs to be is, "Yes, ma'am."

[STEADY MUSIC]

♪♪

Yes. Yes.

Mm.

Yes!

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

Sit down, space man.

Sit!

I know all about your silver balls.

I know Max stole one, and
that's why he's been acting

like springtime lions
in those nature videos,

but I also know you knew he had a ball

and did nothing to stop him.

Guess what. You're not
getting your ball back.

I've hidden it where
you'll never find it,

and I'm guessing now that it's gone,

Max will go back to normal.

And if he doesn't, you
are going to hear from me.

Do you understand?

Yes, ma'am.

Good.

Humans believe they all
deserve certain rights...

The right to be heard,
the right to be respected.

Asking for what you deserve
in life should not be so hard,

but for others,

asking for what they deserve
can be very difficult.

♪♪

[HORN HONKS]

Hey, D'arce!

Okay! Yes, girl!

- What do you think?
- Wow, very fancy, girl!

Get your things!

- Thank you!
- Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

Posting flyers is against
Patience civil code - - .

And actually getting what they deserve

sometimes requires an act of heroism.

[AHMAD JAMAL'S "su1c1de IS PAINLESS"]

♪♪

Whoo! Ha!

Women of Patience,
have patience no more!

We demand equal pay!

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

Way to go, D'arce!


[CHUCKLES]

Wow, it's D'arcy.

God, she is incredible, don't you think?

Honey, there's something
I got to tell you.

What is it?

I'm gonna have a word
with the town assembly

and fix this pay gap.

Yeah, you are.

Wow.

Way to be assertive, honey.

It's very sexy.