07x03 - I Wonder What Became of Sal?

[bunniefuu]

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(trumpeting)

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SHIRLEY: Lois, Lois, calm-calm
yourself and listen to me.

You b*at the eggs.

And you sift the flour.

That's right.

Th-That's right...

Yeah, the flour.

Th-The flour, it's the
messy white stuff in the bag.

- (knocking) -CARMINE: Hello!
- Yeah, that's right.

Laverne, Shirley!
Shirley, Laverne!

Vice versa, whatever!

Just a sec... Uh, come
on in, Carmine, it's open!

Uh-huh.

Oh-ho, I've been trying
to call you for an hour.

Listen, uh, I was just at
the Bel Air Country Club,

delivering a singing telegram.

You'll never guess
who I bumped into.

Just a... Who, who?

Uh, you remember,
uh, Sal Molina?

The guy from Milwaukee?

The one that Laverne
almost married,

but you talked her out of it?

I didn't talk her out of it.

I just presented
the facts, that's all.

Well, that's him, he's in town.

Really?

Who'd he end up marrying?

Nobody. Still single.

As a matter of fact, I told
him that you girls lived here,

and he's waiting for us
down at Cowboy Bill's.

Oh. Uh, listen, Lois, start
mixing everything now, okay?

Mix-Mixing with the thing
that looks like a propeller.

Why did you tell
him Cowboy Bill's?

What's wrong with our apartment?

I didn't want to
bring him over here.

Why? Is there something
wrong with this apartment?

- Yeah! Your face.
- What?

My fa... my face?

Oh, yeah, good thinking.

Okay, listen, now I got to go.

I want you and
Laverne to meet us

down at Cowboy Bill's;
Sal's waiting for us.

Okay, uh, uh,
we'll be right there

as soon as I fix myself up.

I don't know if he
can wait that long.

Uh, Lois?

I've got to go. I've got to run.

But, listen, would you
promise me one thing?

Would you swear that you
will not light the oven alone?

The-the oven.

That's a big white
thing with knobs on it.

That's right, Lois. Bye-bye.

Poor thing.

All that for an
omelet... Laverne!

Guess what!

I just wanted to tell you
that Sal Molina's in town.

Sal Molina? The Sal, Sal Molina?

Yeah, Sal Molina.

And Carmine told me
that he's still single.

- No kidding?
- Mm-mm.

Oh, gosh, it must be what?

- Ten years since I've seen him?
- At least ten years.

Oh, boy. Huh.

You know, Shirl,

he was the first guy that
ever asked me to marry him.

He was the only guy that...

And you!

You were the one
that talked me out of it.

- Oh, come on, now.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Oh, no, no, no.

- Uh-huh.
- Now wait a minute.

I did not talk you out of it.

I had no objections
to you getting married.

Oh, really?

Then what was that
little scene you made

during our wedding
rehearsal, huh?

You weren't exactly
playing Cupid.

Laverne, what's the matter?

Are you all right?

Yeah, it's just when he
said "bride and groom,"

I got a little nervous.

It's nothing.

Maybe it's not nothing.

Maybe you're not
really sure about all this.

Well, how could anybody be sure?

This is a big step, Shirl.

That's it! You said it.

This is eternal! Eternity.

Over and over and over again.

On and on, without
ceasing, without stopping.

Over and over, eternal
ad infinitum, infinity!

This means till death
do you part, the end!

Do you mean forever?

Boy, he was a cute one.

I mean, really good-looking.

And I could've been
married to him if, uh...

Oh, go on, blame it all on me.

Look, Laverne, there was
a lot more to it than that,

as I recall.

All I did was calmly
present the facts.

I don't think that you
can look me in the eye

and say to me, "I
love Sal Molina."

- That's it?
- Yes.

I love Sal Molina.

- Let's go back to the church.
- Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

I said in the eye, Laverne.

In the eye.

These eyes that have
watched you grow

from chubby, whiny adolescence

into terrific young womanhood.

Say it.

I... like...

care for...

I Io-o...

I Io-o...

What difference does it make?

Ugh, I knew it.

You didn't love him.

I knew it all along.

Well, why didn't you
just say so, instead of

walking around for two
days with this long face on?

Because I was afraid
you'd marry him anyway.

So what?

Well, I know you, Laverne.

Every time we saw
each other, you'd say,

"Hey, it's me and that guy
you told me not to marry."

Wouldn't say it every time.

But you'd be thinking it.

And then we couldn't
be friends anymore.

Oh, come on, Shirl.

No matter what happens,
we'll always be friends.

Look, okay... right
now I don't love him.

But Sal's crazy about me.

I got 40 years to
grow to love him.

Laverne, if you marry a
man that you don't love,

something terrible will happen.

Like what?

Who knows?

You'll become dissatisfied.

You'll grow restless.

You'll start calling
the milkman Joe.

Joe?

Tell me the truth, Laverne.

Are you doing this
because you're in trouble?

Watch your mouth, Shirl.

I'm wearing white.

Yeah, well, calling the
milkman Joe isn't exactly

what I would call merely
presenting the facts.

Listen, Laverne, it
was your decision.

And I ought to know,
because I was in the bedroom

not listening, and I heard
every single word you said.

Sal, I really like you a lot.

And I like you, too, Laverne.

There's something
I want to tell you.

Sit down.

I don't get goose bumps.

Never?

Not even when you
come out of the shower?

Oh, yeah, then I do...

Oh, no, no.

Uh...

Sal, at this very
moment in time,

I really like you a lot, but...

You're a terrific guy, but...

And you treat me so good, but...

But you don't love me.

So you'll grow to love me.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

You hear that, Shirl?

SHIRLEY: I'm not listening!

But he's wrong!

Wrong about what?

Oh, just something about
a milkman named Joe.

Let me ask you something.

Did you ever go to
a dance with a girl

that was really crazy about you?

Oh, sure, plenty...
eh, a couple of times.

- How was it?
- Oh, it was terrific.

Did you ever go to
a dance with a girl

who just wanted
to be at the dance?

Yeah.

How was that?

It was one long evening.

This is no dance, Sal.

I mean, this is the big one.

On and on, forever and ever

and on and on...

I got it.

You think maybe we should wait

until the three of us
are a little more sure?

- You know something, Laverne?
- Hmm?

I was proud of you.

You took the bull by the
horns and you ran with it.

And I'm sure you
did the right thing, too.

Yeah, maybe, but he
was awfully cute, Shirl.

Laverne, Laverne, Laverne,

that was ten years ago.

And you know what they say
about men when they get older.

Yeah, they get better looking.

- They say that?
- Yeah, all the time.

- I can't stand myself.
- Oh, no, Laverne, listen to me.

I am certain that
Sal is an exception.

Why, he had future
balding written all over him.

- Future balding?
- That's right.

And future fatso, too.

- Future fatso?
- Mm-hmm.

Shirl, where you going?

I'm going to the restaurant.

Well, you should have
worn your blue dress

- instead of this one.
- Why?

Because then it would
go better with your face.

(gasps)

Come on, Mr. DeFazio, there's
somebody I want you to meet.

I got a big surprise for you.

All right, you ready for this?

Get a load of this. Sal Molina.

- You remember Sal?
- Sal. Sure.

Sal, goombah, you look good.

Hey, wait a minute.

You're the bum who
dumped my daughter.

Uh, Mr. De Fazio, your
daughter dumped me.

Oh, then I forgive you.

Come on in the kitchen;
I want Edna to meet you.

Hey, Edna, look who
turned out not to be a bum!

Ah, good, good.

(humming a tune)

Laverne.

I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous.

I'm so nervous.

Don't look.

- No?
- No, don't.

Try not to stare.

Try not to be
repulsed or shocked.

Aw, gee, which one is he?

You're such a good friend!

Come on. Let's get out of here.

Hey, girls, come here!
Come on over here!

Come on. Yes, you
can, yes, you can.

No, no, I can't.

Just go. Just don't be rude.

Don't say anything rude like,
"What happened to your body?"

or "What happened to your face?"

What else is
there to talk about?

Hi, Sal.

Laverne?

Not now, I'm talking
to an old friend.

You look very good.

That's why she didn't marry you.

She's stupid.

That's Sal.

Sal?

Hi, Sal.

That's Sal.

Well, then, who is this?

That's Carlisle,
Sal's chauffeur.

I think I'll wait in the car.

It's safer.

Listen to that,
he calls it a car.

It's a Rolls-Royce. (chuckles)

It's a Rolls-Royce.

(grunts)

Couldn't you
have left it at "car"?

No, no, really,
it's a Rolls-Royce.

Believe me. Listen,
Sal's doing great now.

Doing great?

He turned his pop's
little light fixture store

into 300 franchises.

Now everywhere you
look, you see the logo,

"Let Louie Light Up Your Life."

That's good, that's
good. He's rich.

- I'd like to propose a toast.
- Yeah.

To my grandson...

who should have been
nine years old by now.

- Laverne, I want you to come with me.
- Hmm?

We'll stop in Las
Vegas and get married,

and we'll go on
to the convention.

I'm asking you to
marry me, Laverne.

Would you say that
into my sober ear?

I want you to marry me, Laverne.

Marry?

Laverne, I've been
trying to forget about you

for the last ten years
with other women.

I mean, I won't deny
that I enjoyed trying, but...

you're the one I want.

Why me?

Damned if I can explain it.

Sweet-talker, you.

- Tell you what.
- What?

I'll run out, get Carlisle
to pick up your father,

and you go pack.

Hey, wait a sec, wait a sec.

You didn't even
wait for my answer.

Well?

Why don't you go get Carlisle
and go pick up my father,

and I'll go upstairs and pack.

- ♪ Life can be a dream ♪
- ♪ Shh-boom ♪

♪ If I could take you up
to paradise up above ♪

♪ Shh-boom, and
I could tell you ♪

♪ You're the only
one that I love. ♪

(doorbell rings)

Oh, Laverne, you look
even more beautiful

than you did 20 minutes ago.

I age well.

Come on in.

Shirley's just getting dressed.
She'll be down in a minute.

Are you done?

Yeah, I'm all good.

I mean, with your
oldies but goodies tribute.

Yeah.

Good. It gives us
a chance to talk.

Sure.

Won't have much
time on our honeymoon.

- (sighs) Laverne...
- Hmm?

Last time, we came
pretty close to the altar.

- Didn't we?
- Mm.

This time, I kind of
rushed you a little bit.

Nah.

So, silly as it sounds...

do you love me?

You kidding? Of
course I love you.

I mean, I mean, goose bump love.

D-Do you get goose bumps?

You're perfect, Sal.

You're everything I
ever wanted in a guy:

you're smart,
you're intelligent,

you're Italian.

Goose bumps?

You're gonna make
such a good father.

You're so kind and
gentle and warm,

and you smell so good.

Goose bumps?

Geese get goose bumps, Sal.

But you don't get 'em, huh?

At least not from me.

Who needs 'em?

Silly, goose bumps are for kids.

It's like measles
and chicken pox.

We've been vaccinated.

We're adults.

That's obsessive
love anyway, Sal.

I mean, the kind where
you can't wait to see the guy,

and your heart's
going all the time,

and the phone rings, and you...

I want goose bumps, too, Sal.

I'm sorry. I...

Wait a second. Where you going?

Give me goose bumps.

Do something!

Just don't stand
there, do something!

Give me them bumps...

Okay, Sal, we'll move to Alaska.

We'll air-condition the igloos.

I'll have so many bumps
all over me, you won't...

I'm sorry, Sal, I just can't...

(sighs)

- Bumps?
- Mine.

It's not that I
don't love you, Sal,

'cause I do love you.

It's just that I'm
not in love with you.

I can't help it.

I guess you can't
help the way you feel.

Just like I can't help being
crazy about you, Laverne.

You are such a great guy, Sal.

Then how come you're
not running off with me?

Damned if I can explain it.

You sweet-talker, you.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll be all right.

I'll get Carlisle to warm up
my jet, and I'll fly to Paris.

It'll help me forget.

(sighs)

Hey, Laverne, maybe
in another ten years?

Maybe sooner.

Maybe.

(door closes)

I can't believe it.

Sweet guy...

rich, gorgeous, loves me.

Not one lousy goose bump.

But let a no-good,
out-of-work creep enter my life,

and I break out in hives.

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

Okay, Las Vegas, here we come!

Sorry, boys.

Uh, Burbank, here we stay.

Okay, Burbank, a beautiful
place for a wedding!

Uh, there's not
gonna be no wedding.

Wait a minute.

Maybe I dreamed this, but
didn't you just come upstairs

into the bedroom and, uh...

I told him I couldn't marry him.

What happened?

Same thing.

The same thing as ten years ago.

- He can't give me a lousy goose bump.
- Aw.

Aw, gee.

Poor guy was so depressed,

he had to fly his
private jet to Paris.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Laverne.

Go on, cry your eyes out.

No.

He has a private jet?

Are you crazy?

Do you know how many people
he could have introduced me to?

- Shirl...
- We could have been

set for life,
Laverne, set for life!

I mean, I could have
met every lawyer

between here and
God knows where!

I could have met doctors,
show business people,

people who work in Las
Vegas, I could have...

(muffled talking)

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪