07x04 - Young at Heart

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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07x04 - Young at Heart

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

- Oh, hi. (shouting)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, -
What's the matter with you?

I'm sorry. (sighs)

What's the matter with you?
You almost ran over my meat.

I'm sorry. We got
a little carried away.

We'll make it up to you.
We'll order something.

Well, order my hair
not to be so gray.

(chuckles)

Who's he?

Oh, Mr. DeFazio, this is
my new friend, Mike Smith.

Hi.

I was, uh, roller-skating
through the park,

and I looked up to
see this mother blue jay

feeding her young.
And, next thing I knew,

I smashed right into him.

Isn't he gorgeous?
Look at that nose.

Have you ever seen
a nose like that?

(chuckles) Not in my family.

Uh, what are you gonna have?

Uh, uh, can I have some ice?

- The pain's coming back.
- Oh, is it?

- Yeah.
- Oh, I'm so sorry. L-Let me just kiss it.

- Make it well. There we go.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, i-it hurts here, too.

No, it doesn't,
you sweetie, you.

Isn't he sweet?

- Look at those eyes.
- Look at those eyes.

Look at a menu under "chicken."

Look at the chicken.

- I can't move it for two weeks.
- Oh, no.

I-I think we're just gonna
have a couple of beers.

I'd like to see some I.D.

(Shirley laughs)

You're so sweet.
Don't flatter me.

Come on, just between you and me

and that great
compadre up there,

I'm a little bit over 21,

just an itty, bitty bit.

I know you're over...
I'm not worried about you.

I'm worried about him.
I'd like to see his I.D.

Uh, I'll-I'll have
a-a Coyote Sody.

SHIRLEY: What are
you talking about?

Wait a minute. In the park,

you said you couldn't
wait for a nice beer.

Just show him
your driver's license.

Oh, no, no. It's a
terrible picture. I-I...

Oh, no. Come on, you're
among friends. No. Come on.

Cootchie-coo. Come on.
Cootchie-coo. Cootchie-coo.

Where's that driver's license?
Here we go. There you go.

- Oh.
- Now, satisfied?

Oh, yeah, I'm satisfied.

One beer, one Coyote
Soda coming up!

You're 19?

I'll be 20 in July.

Well, it's been nice
talking to you, sonny,

and my best to your mama.

I-I thought you said
you had a great time.

Now, what does my age matter?

Just this... and listen
to me carefully...

40 years from now,
you'll still be roller-skating

and I'll be collecting string.
Do you get that picture?

- Well, I don't plan that far ahead.
- (sighs)

- I'm gonna call you about Friday, okay?
- Oh, no, no, no.

- Please. No. No, no, no, no.
- You better be there.

I'm gonna call you.

- Oh... (groans)
- (humming)

Oh, please, Mr. DeFazio,

get that Coyote
Sody out of my sight.

Hey, why don't you
find yourself a man?

You know I got
ketchup older than him?

20-year-old ketchup?

You have 20-year-old ketchup?

Oh, I-I don't want to hear this.

(guitar strumming)

(phone rings)

Hello?

Uh, no, Mike, she's
still in the bathtub.

Yeah, I'll tell her you called.

Bye.

Thank you. That was nicely done.

Well, I'd give the kid a break.

He probably looks
to you as some...

lovely, sexy, older woman.

You know, you excite
him. You turn him on.

Maybe I'll call him.
What's his number?

- Laverne! He's a teenager.
- What?

I can't go out with him.

I mean, what would people say?

They'd probably say, "Look
at that lucky older lady."

No, they wouldn't.

They'd say, "Look
at that handsome boy

with that old cradle-robber."

- Oh, Shirl, come on, come on.
- Yes, that's what they'd say.

What are you talking about?
You're only 28 years old,

and you... don't
look a day over 25.

- Really?
- Really.

And-and then
when you go like this

- with your bangs back, you look 22, 23 tops.
- Yeah?

Ooh, 22.

- I like that number a lot.
- Yeah.

- Shirl?
- Yeah.

What about me?

How old do I look? And, uh,
keep in mind I started you off at 25.

- Laverne, if I were in
the supermarket, -Hmm?

- And I saw you
buying Babo - Mm-hmm.

- And I didn't know
you, - Mm-hmm.

I'd say holding steady at 25.

And...

Sounds right.

If I saw you on the way to
one of your softball games

with your hair in
pigtails the way

- you wear it? Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that?

I'd say 19 maximum.

- Well, he's 19.
- But he looks 23.

- Well, maybe he's too old for us, then.
- Maybe he is.

- (chuckles)
- Hey, come on, Shirl,

let's go down to the malt shop.
All the guys are gonna be there.

No, I don't want to do
that. I want to stay home

and watch American
Bandstand, see if Justine

- wins the dance contest again.
- Oh,

- Arlene and Kenny are gonna win.
- No, they're not. -(phone rings)

- Yes, they are. Ooh, maybe it's for me.
- I don't think so.

- Ooh, no, I'll bet it's that old man Mike again.
- Aw, gee.

Oh, boy. Hello?

- Hi, Mike. (chuckles)
- Mike.

What?

Friday night? Oh, I'd love to.

Keen!

Yeah? Oh, groovy. Neato.

What? You got it, man.

Okay. 8:00. Bye.

- (giggles)
- Oh, you got a date and I don't.

Oh, yes, you do. We're doubling.

You're going out
with Mike's best friend.

Hey, wait a second.
How'd I get into this?

I don't want to.

Okay, fine. I'll just
get another date for...

the Stallion.

The what? The Stallion?

That's what they call him.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, Mike.

Oh, don't you look nice.

Oh, thank you, Shirley.

I'd like you to
meet the Stallion.

Oh. (chuckles)

- H-He's a little shy.
- Oh, okay.

Shirley Feeney,

Lyle Nowicki.

How do you do, Lyle?

It's a pleasure to meet you.

It's nice being met.

Of course it is.
Of course it is.

Why don't you boys come in

and-and make
yourselves at home, huh?

(high-pitched): Oh, my gosh.

(Shirley whimpering)

I can't believe this.

Oh, I...

(laughing)

Oh... Oh...

Oh! Very nice.

- Oh, sorry. Excuse me.
- Oh, oh...

Oh... Oh...

(sighs)

Well, um, Laverne will
be ready any moment now.

Well, that's good
'cause Lyle here

is very, very anxious
to meet Laverne.

- SHIRLEY: Oh.
- LYLE: Laverne!

Oh, no, no! No! No...

- You're everything I thought you'd be!
- (laughing)

Lyle! Lyle!

Well, he is kind of cuddly.

Why does he keep
calling me Laverne?

Uh, yeah. Oh, Lyle, no,
no. This isn't Laverne,

- so-so leave it. Drop it.
- Oh! Oh!

- Come on, Lyle. Lyle. Come on now.
- Oh! (panting)

Come on, come on. Uh, this is...

- this is our neighbor, Rhonda Lee.
- Oh.

Oh, I get it.

These are your D-A-T-E-S.

They're in college, Rhonda.

- They can S-P-E-L-L.
- MIKE: Oh.

Uh, not really. Uh,
we're only freshmen.

Oh, freshmen.

Quite a catch. (chuckles)

Well, why settle for old beef
when there's veal on the hoof?

(chuckles)

How charming of you to say
so, Rhonda, and good-bye.

Well, if they get
cranky, burp them.

Well, she's just a...

I have to talk to you.

LAVERNE: I see
him and I want him.

- Hi. I'm Laverne.
- Hi.

Laverne!

You're everything
I thought you'd be.

Uh...

Shirl, I'd like to talk to you.

Oh, my! Look what time it is!

We'd better get going
to that-that sporting event

or dinner or movie

or... Where are we going?

Lyle? You're making
me seasick here.

Come on. Come on, Lyle. Come on.

Come on.

Lyle, one question, um, how
come they call you the Stallion?

Well, I don't like to brag,

but I guess it's because
I eat like a horse.

I see.

Lyle, we have to talk
about something here.

Um, you see, I, uh...

That's a lovely combination.

(chuckles)

Uh...

(exhales) Well, I, um...

Look, L-Laverne, if...

if you don't want to go
out with me, it's okay.

I've been turned down before.

This would've
been my first date.

Ever?

Tonight was gonna be
a big night for you, huh?

Yeah. I, uh...

told all the guys I was going
out with a wonderful girl.

The girl of my dreams.

But don't feel obligated.

I'll go get something to eat.

No, no, don't do that.

Come on, Lyle, we're
gonna show your friends.

We're gonna go out tonight.

- We are?
- Yeah.

Let me just fix
this a little. Well...

Okay? We are not gonna
let your friends down.

We are gonna show
them the time of your life.

- We are?
- Yeah. Watch your step, Lyle, please.

(dance music playing)

LYLE: Yay.

Easy, Stallion.

My, what a lovely home.

Your mother must
have a lot of help here.

Uh, no, a-actually, uh,
this is our, uh, fraternity.

Fraternity party?

- This is a fraternity party?
- Yeah.

Sorry, we thought if
we told you what it was

- you wouldn't want to come.
- Oh, don't be silly.

Oh, don't be silly.

Would you excuse us
just a moment, please?

Laverne? If I may...
Okay, here's the plan.

We stay a little while,
we dance a little bit,

we come down with
headaches and we're out of here.

We were just discussing
our old fraternity parties.

Uh, let's drink to it.

- Where's the beer?
- I'll get you one, ma'am.

"Ma'am." He called you "ma'am."

- No... No.
- Yes, he called you "ma'am."

He said "man." Okay, daddy-o.

MIKE: Hey, uh...

we really appreciate you
girls being so nice about this.

I mean, uh, some girls might've
felt a little uncomfortable.

- No.
- No, not us. No...

Oh, hi, Michael. It's
so nice to see you.

This must be your mother.

I've heard so much about you.

Well, see you guys later.

(Laverne snickers)

Would you get me a drink, Mike?

- Thank you.
- Oh...

We're out of here.
We're out of this place.

- Oh, come on, Shirl.
- I'm not staying here.

Nowicki and Smith.

Do I see pledges
without beanies?

You're-you're pledges?

You have to wear beanies?

Well, look on the bright side.

At least they don't have
them little pinwheels on 'em.

Nowicki, I'm appointing
you official party announcer.

From now on, every brother
that comes through that door,

I want you to announce
his name loud and clear.

Yes, sir.

Wait a minute. Go easy.

Stallion, easy! Easy, whoa!

Oh. Knight guardian,
Ken Rogerson

and his lovely date, Penny Lee!

Come in.

That was very good.

Thanks. It's
important I do well.

Yeah, well, we keep,
uh, tucking you in,

and you keep coming out here.

Shirley, my pet, now
that we're all settled here,

I'd like to give you a
little tour of the house.

Oh, I'd love a
tour of the house.

- Oh, we have many lovely rooms here.
- Mm.

- We have, uh, living rooms.
- Uh-huh.

Uh, game rooms.

Oh, game room. That's nice.

Bedrooms.

You know, I like
this room a lot.

A whole lot. It's a lovely room.

I could spend all
night in this room.

And I-I think I will. (laughs)

- Hi. -Hi.
- Hi.

- Want a flower?
- They're free.

Oh, really? Oh,
my, they're beautiful.

Yes, I... I'll take a blue one.


(Shirley grunts softly)

(Shirley laughs)

I was hoping for one
from Mother Nature.

You mean Harriet's mother.

Harriet's mother?

She's not into flowers anymore.

- SHIRLEY: Oh. Oh.
- She's into leather.

- Leather?
- She made my sandals.

Oh, how nice.

My, what large
eyes you girls have.

BOTH: Thank you.

SHIRLEY: You're welcome.

(whispering): Strange.

Why is youth
wasted on the young?

Oh, well, they're not young.

They're just wasted.

Hi. I'm Tracy.

Hi.

I could really use some
advice from an older woman.

Well, since there doesn't
seem to be one around,

maybe I could help you.

Well, there's this guy
here that I'm crazy about.

- LAVERNE: Oh, yeah?
- And he's in my history class.

Is he that blond guy back there?

No.

It's the guy you're with.

TRACY: Don't look.

Lyle?

Do you ever tingle all
over when you're near him?

Lyle over there?

I don't know what it is.

It-it must be his
animal magnetism.

Lyle?

It's probably too
much to ask, but...

if you ever break up, could
you introduce me to him?

Lyle...? (mumbles)

No, I guess not.

You'd never give
up the Stallion.

You're too old and wise.

Give me that.

Well, Lyle, it's, uh, that
time of evening again

when all the brothers get to
dance with the pledges' dates.

- And you can start with me.
- Oh.

Well, we were
just leaving. Uh...

- Headaches.
- SHIRLEY: Yes.

Oh, well, that's
good, because, uh,

it wouldn't have
worked out anyway

since none of us
know how to waltz.

Excuse me, but, uh,

I could dance circles around you

with my legs tied
behind my back.

What about the old one?

Start the music, no-neck.

Um, about how many
brothers are there?

Around 30.

Let's go.

Will you take my purse?

(upbeat, instrumental
rock music plays)

(upbeat, instrumental
rock plays)

(rhythmic clapping)

Okay, number five and six.

(fast-paced,
instrumental rock plays)

Don't worry.

There's not many
more brothers to go.

Number 16 and 17.

(crowd chatter, music playing)

Number 27 and 28.

(lively, instrumental
rock plays)

(Shirley pants loudly)

I can't take it anymore.

(Shirley yells)

(rhythmic clapping)

♪♪

Oh, please, do something.

- I'm dying.
- Okay, okay.

Number 29 and number 30.

(lively, instrumental
rock plays)

♪♪

(crickets chirping)

Huh? Huh?

- (Lyle sighs)
- Huh?

Milk and Pepsi.

It's a new taste treat. Thanks.

Yeah, but from now
on, go easy on the Pepsi

till you're down to 210, okay?

- Okay. Laverne?
- Hmm?

Can I kiss you good night?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, gee, Lyle, don't
lead with your stomach.

Lead with your lips.

Put that back.

Okay, go ahead.

Lyle, this is pathetic.
You know that?

You could hurt
somebody like that.

That's not how you
kiss. Come here.

Relax your mouth. Relax it.

No, not you. Your mouth.

No, no, don't chew. Don't chew.

Just easy, easy. Relax.

Say, "Please, please."

- Please, please, please, please.
- Please, please, please.

LAVERNE: Hmm.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

(Laverne groans)

(muffled speech)

(muffled shout)

(Lyle sighs)

Easy, Lyle. Come on.

Easy, easy. Come here.

- Come here, come here.
- Oh.

Drink up. There you go.

Simmer down. Simmer down.

- There you go. Simmer down.
- (Lyle laughs)

There you go.

Well, that was
really a neat walk.

Uh... (clears throat)

What are you doing
tomorrow night?

Oh, um... gee, Mike,
that's real sweet of you,

but, uh...

I don't think we ought
to go out anymore.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

I understand.

- Are you sure?
- I'm sure.

Good.

Call me.

(sighs softly)

Come on, Lyle, let's go.

No, no, Lyle. No, no. No, no.

Can't-can't we practice
kissing a little more?

No, no. You're gonna
practice with Tracy.

She's in your history class.

Haven't you ever noticed
anything special about her?

Well, she... she's
a lot like you.

Yeah. Anything else?

Well, she knows everything
about the Battle of Hastings.

Yeah. Bye.

(sighs)

What-what... what's that
about the Battle of Hastings?

Oh, I think that was some
eating contest he was in once.

Oh.

- You know something, Laverne?
- Huh?

You were absolutely right.

There is still plenty
of girl left in both of us.

Yeah, and we could out-dance

a bunch of silly
college kids any time.

- Ooh. Ooh, are you kidding me?
- (Laverne groans)

But, uh, you were
right about one thing.

We are not girls anymore.

Those young
things in tight pants

with the tighter
skin... Those are girls.

We are... women.

But young women.

Sophisticated women.

- Sexy women.
- Career women.

Yeah. And we're not
too old for those guys.

They're just too young for us.

That's right.

There's still plenty of spunk
and... and spark left in us.

LAVERNE: Mm-hmm.

You want tea?

Nah.

- (Shirley hums)
- What you got there, Shirl?

The past, Laverne, the past.

Last night was a
milestone in our lives.

We're no longer
children. We're women.

And it's time to let go
of our childhood things.

Oh, you got a lot
of my stuff in here.

Well, no more
boys, no more toys.

It's all going in the Goodwill.

Yeah, okay, but not... not this.

No? What are you
talking about, not that?

I need this. You
never know, Shirl.

What does a woman
need with a football helmet?

Now, give it to me!

Yeah, well, I don't see
any of your stuff in here.

Well, maybe that's because

I don't hang on to
any childish things.

Shirl?

On second thought,

these things could become
valuable collector's items.

How dare her do that to you!

How could she throw you
out with a football helmet?!

She's so strange.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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