07x06 - Night at the Awards

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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07x06 - Night at the Awards

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

(typing slowly)

- D... I... M... D...
- (phone ringing)

I'll get it, it's
all right, Len.

Keep your nose
to the grindstone.

Squignoski Talent Agency,

Andrew Squiggman speaking, yes.

Mmm...

I'm sor... I'm sorry,
dear, I'm sorry, dear,

could we put you on hold?

Thank you.

There you go.

Feast your lap on that.

Uh-huh...

Oh, our first screenplay.

Why, just holding it to my buzma

makes my heart

want to leap out of my face.

- Ooh, that's beautiful.
- Isn't it, though?

- That's nice.
- I've got it!

I've even figured out
who we should get

to star in this epic of epics.

- Who?
- Are you sitting down?

- I don't think so.
- Good.

Does the name "Joey Heatherton"

ring a bell?

Every bell I own.

Mm-hmm.

Well, the way I got it figured,

if we can get Joey
to read the script

and she agrees to do it,

well, then we're
gonna have ourselves

a box office epidemic.

So what you're saying
is all we got to do

is make sure
Joey gets the script

next time we run into
her at Cowboy Bill's, right?

(laughs)

I don't see the joke,
Lenny, I don't see the joke.

You know why? Because
you're not thinking like an agent,

you're thinking
like a human being.

- Please...
- Now, sit down.

- This is between you and me...
- Yeah?

- But I have ambled us...
- Yeah?

An invitation for two

to tomorrow night's
Golden Circle Awards.

Wait! It gets better.

Oh.

One of the presenters at
the Golden Circle Awards

will be Miss Joey Heatherton.

You mean, you and me

are going to the
Golden Circle Awards?

You, me and Joey.

- Oh...
- Read it and weep.

Well, how are you gonna
get her to read a script

with all that
hullabaloo going on?

Aw, you silly duck,
you're almost cute.

Don't you understand?

Look at the way...

Don't you know how
things are done in this town?

We get an invite
to the awards, right?

Yeah.

So what we do is we
come up with an invitation

to invite Joey to
respectfully star

in our forthcoming
Hollywood movie film.

You really earn your
ten percent, don't you?

I certainly do, I certainly do.

- Wait a second, though.
- Hmm?

We-we-we can't go to this thing.

Why can't we?

'Cause it says here it costs
50 bucks a head to get in.

We got two of 'em.

Aw, don't worry.

I got that figured out.

We'll use your money.

You'll use my what?

- We'll use your money.
- My money?

Yeah, the money you got
socked away here in the freezer,

we'll use that.

Oh, no, not my sock money!

I am sorry, no, no.

My mother always told me

that if you don't keep $100
cold cash socked away,

you'd be nowhere.

Lenny, you are nowhere.

Your mother deserted
you when you was five.

- Come on, Lenny...
- And if I had $100,

maybe she wouldn't have left.

All right.

Maybe so... maybe so.

I guess a mother's
last wish to her son

should be respected.

- I'll just...
- You're growing up.

Yes, I certainly am.
Well, I'll find another way

to raise the cash,
don't worry about that.

I'll just have to figure
something else out.

Wait a minute, Lenny. Lenny...

- I got an idea.
- Yeah?

There's safety in numbers,
so why don't we split up?

Okay.

Tell you what we'll do:

you go downstairs, you
try to bum up some cash,

me, I'll stay here
and I'll propose a...

an invitation to
Joey, all right?

All right. Maybe I'll try
selling plastic goods.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Terrific, I'll meet
you at Cowboy Bill's

- later this afternoon.
- LENNY: Okay...

And now to propose
that introduction...

to ask Joey to be in our movie.

Dearest Joe...

dearest Joseph...

dearest Joe...

Come on, let's dance.

Aw, Pop, there's no more
room on the... dance floor.

Why didn't you just
shove two tables together?

It would have been bigger.

Come on.

Come on, come
on, come on, let's go.

- (Laverne groans)
- Come on, come on.

- Ready?
- LAVERNE: Mm-hmm.

Come on.

(Frank vocalizing)

Excuse me, Carmine.

Excuse me, Shirley.

Pop, Pop, it's a slow dance.

(Frank humming)

Ready?

Pop, Pop...

I got it!

Oh, boy, marvelous.

(Frank panting)

Biscotti, how you doing, huh?

I'm fine, I'm fine. Yeah,
you're great at this, Pop.

Once more... I've never
danced like this in my life.

The music stopped,
the music stopped.

Stopped... the music stopped.

Boy, that was terrific!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

What would you
like me to play now?

- Oh, nothing.
- Oh, no, no.

- We've really got to be going.
- Where you going?

- Uh, the movies. -Uh, bowling.
- I have to go to sleep.

- Uh, bowling.
- Well, I want to go bowling.

Uh, I'm... work,
I got to go to...

- Work.
- Movies with...

- Thanks, thank you. See you later.
- Good-bye. -Bye.

Good night, Mr. DeFazio.

Ah, how you doing?

What do you think?

Uh, the cymbals just don't go
with the bone structure, Lenny.

Thanks a lot, guys.

- Wish me luck.
- I like the hat, though.

Don't be alarmed, folks,
just a little entertainment.

♪ Oh, my Dardanella ♪

♪ I love your laughing eyes ♪

♪ I'm a lucky fella ♪

♪ To capture such a prize ♪

♪ Oh, Allah knows
my love for you... ♪

Excuse me.

Yes?

Do you take requests?

Oh, yes, I certainly do.

Get out of here!

Lenny!

Thank goodness I noticed you.

- Guess what.
- What?

- I raised the cash.
- You did?

You did? How did you do it?

I did what I had to do, Len.

It's hell out there.

You are bad.

- I am very bad.
- You are bad.

I am very...

Come on, let me see
'em, let me see 'em.

Uh, yes, yes, here they are.

Feast your little
eyebrows on this.

Two tickets to tomorrow
night's Golden Circle Awards.

We're gonna be knob-hobbing

with some of the biggest
hobs in Nobbywood.

- Boy...
- And that's not all.

You know who
else will be there...

a certain Miss J.H.?

Oh, yes, uh, Miss...

you mean Miss Joey Heatherton.

Mm-hmm.

Joey Heatherton,

soon to be starring

in the Squignoski
production of...

Blood Orgy of the Amazons!

A different kind of love story.

Did I hear you say

you're going to the
Golden Circle Awards?

You certainly did, my
little piece of... dove.

(giggles)

I'm sorry, I didn't
catch your name.

Oh, Bridget Barton.

- Ah...
- I'm an actress.

(whispering): She's an actress.

Perhaps you saw
me in Thunderball?

I played "Girl at Counter."

- Girl at Counter!
- She was that girl!

- She was good.
- That girl!

I liked that girl
at that counter.

I would do anything

to go to the Golden
Circle Awards.

- Anything.
- (bell dings)

(Squiggy clears throat)

Well, Bridget,
dear, you're in luck.

Because it just so happens

that we are holding auditions

for two lucky ladies to
accompany us to tomorrow night's

- Golden Circle Awards.
- Oh!

And that's not all...

A brand-new car?

A brand-new... what?

- Where is the car coming from?
- I don't know...

No.

You will also get... If
you are lucky enough,

you and a friend

will get to audition
to be... to have a part

in our forthcoming
Squignoski production of...

(cymbals clanging)

Blood Orgy of the Amazons!

A different kind of love story.

Oh! (laughs)

Come on. There's
one catch, though:

You got to call up four
of your female friends.

Oh, why?

- Why?
- I don't know...

Uh, why? Because, uh,

because the Amazons
are traditionally known

- as a tribal folk.
- Oh...

They-they cluster a lot.

- They get together, and they...
- Oh...

SQUIGGY: All
right... and... action!

It is a hot jungle night...

in the hot jungle.

- Background...
- (hoots like a monkey)

(imitating tropical birdcalls)

(snarling)

You've just eaten
a brontosaurus.

(snorts, hoots wildly)

- It is hot.
- Oh...

Oh, so very hot.

Much too hot for that sweater.

Oh, boy, is it hot.

- (hooting)
- The heat is driving you

to a state of frenzied lust!

Your clinging garments,
they bind you...

The sweater!

You must get rid of the sweater!

You're allergic to wool!

Hi ho!

Hi ho, fellas.

Rhonda hopes she's
not interrupting anything,

but, um, could you
help me with my zipper?

Uh, Lenny, why don't you
take Bridget out on the stoop

- and continue the audition?
- Okay, Bridget.

Our scene shifts
to the river Nile.

- You are getting wet.
- Getting wet...

- You're getting wetter.
- Getting wetter...

It's much too wet for
the sweater, Bridget!

(laughs)

- By the by...
- By the by...?

Uh, Rhonda heard
that you have tickets

to the Golden Circle Awards.

(laughs)

Well, Squiggy heard that, uh,

you have yourself
a stuck zipper.

Oh, Rhonda has a wonderful idea.

So does Squiggy.

Oh... (laughs)

Well, since you
have two tickets,

why don't you take me to
the awards tomorrow night,

and then after the show,

you can help me with my zipper.

Uh, Rhonda...

how about a little zip now

and a little zap later?

Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

- After.
- After, huh?

Now will you take me?

All right.

I'll take you to the awards.

Squiggy?

Yes, darling?

Oh, I'm sorry, over-over
here. Over here.

Yes? What is it, Len?

What are you doing back so soon?

I thought you were down on
the stoop with, uh, with Bridget.

Yeah, she said she
wouldn't stoop so low.

- Oh.
- You're not gonna give Rhonda

my ticket, are you?

- I'll explain everything later.
- Oh.

- Uh...
- (Lenny yells)

Uh, Rhonda,

why don't you come by,
uh, my place around 5:00

and I'll pick you up here then.

What do you say, huh?

(Rhonda giggles)

Okay. And make sure that, uh,

zipper is still stuck.

Oh! (laughs)

See you then.

- Bye ho.
- Bye ho!

(Squiggy giggles)

You are bad.

Boy, is she gonna be
mad when she finds out

there's only two tickets
and she ain't going.

She's going, you're out.

That's fair.

That's it?

You're not gonna shout?

You're not gonna cry?

You're not gonna pout?

No, and I'm telling you why.

Oh.

I don't deserve to go.

You raised the
money for those tickets.

I did nothing.

Lenny...

you helped in ways that...

hopefully you'll
never find out about.

Poor kid.

Well, I'm gonna
go into the latrine

and frost my nails.

Boy, I hope you have a
swell time tomorrow night.

Thanks, pal.

Sure wish I could be part of it.

Life's tough.

Maybe I can be part of it.

Hey, Squigg!

I just decided that I am
gonna treat you and Rhonda

to dinner tomorrow night
with some of my sock money.

Lenny, don't!

Don't, Lenny!

Whoa, what's the
matter with you?

Um, oh, nothing,

I was just thinking
of something else.

- Oh.
- No, Lenny, please.

Don't put yourself out
for me and Rhonda.

You don't have to get us
dinner or nothing, I mean,

they serve, uh,
food at these affairs

- during the musical numbers.
- I didn't know that.

- Yeah, sure.
- Well, in that case,

I am going to send
you two there in style.

I'll rent you a Ford,
or other fine car.

- No, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny!
- Why not?

No, the parking
situation is terrible.

- Will you please...
- No, I won't.

Oh, Lenny, hey, wow, I...

Oh, foolish me.

I just thought of something.

Why don't I take
you to the awards?

Rhonda's out, okay?

Do you mean it?

- I do, I do...
- Do you really mean it?

(laughing): Oh, I'm glad
you changed your mind,

but I still don't understand

why you don't want
to go with Rhonda.

Aw, you selfish pig.

You were so busy worrying
about your sock money...

Which is definitely in
here, no doubt about it...

That you... you didn't
have time to tell me that...

well, it would be
strategically wrong

for me to go with Rhonda.

Can you imagine, Joey Heatherton
sees me and Rhonda there?

She'll be jealous,
and the whole deal

will be blown right
out of the water.

How could I be so thoughtless?

I don't know. Well, you
didn't stop and think.

That's how I did it.

Mm-hmm, that's
exactly how you did it.

Well, what do you say we
go down to the Goodwill drop?

Okay, we could check out
their new fall line of tuxedos.

- We certainly could.
- While we're down there.

(talking over each
other indistinctly)

Hey, Squigg, you
know you were right?

Uh-huh?

Yeah, I-I put some mothballs

in the pockets of this jacket.

I don't need an aftershave.

No.

- (knocking at door)
- RHONDA: Hi ho, Squiggles,

Rhonda's here.

Uh-oh, the old ball and chain.

You didn't tell her?

I didn't have to tell her.

You're going in her place.

You tell her.

That's fair.

Hi ho!

- Oh, hi.
- Oh, hello, Rhonda.

I'm all ready to go.

Oh, that's good
news, but you know,

I have some bad news about
the to-go part of that thought.

You see, um...

you're not the only
busted zipper in Hollywood.

(chuckles)

Oh, who?

Oh, it's not Annette
Funicello, is it?

No, as a matter of fact,
it's, uh, Leonard Kosnowski.

- What...
- Well, no.

It's not what you think,
though, Rhonda, no.

No, we're going there on
business, strictly business.

We're going there to
sign up this actress,

you know, to be in our movie.

Well, isn't Rhonda an actress?


Well, yeah, Rhonda, but...

we sort of wanted
to hire a real actress.

Oh.

So this is happening again.

Rhonda's no good.

She's finished.

She's all washed-up.

It's a cruel business,
show business.

You struggle, you starve...

You become a waitress,
and a darn good one, too...

And what's it all for?

So one day I could
look in the mirror

and realize I wasn't
wanted anymore.

Oh, I want you bad.

They say for every broken heart,

there's a light on Broadway.

(sighs)

Um, those are dirty.

I guess to you guys

I was just another
cheap starlet...

Rhonda, why don't you...

RHONDA: to use and throw away.

LENNY: Why don't
you put the-the, um...

Well, you won't have Rhonda
to throw away anymore.

No, Rhonda, don't do it!

Don't k*ll yourself!

Oh, please, please
don't k*ll yourself!

And you said Rhonda
wasn't a real actress.

Thank you, Len, thank you.

Well...

I feel gorgeous.

Let's go.

- Boy, poor Rhonda.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna buy her
a little sympathy card

with some of my sock money.

No, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny,

if you weren't so worried
about your sock money...

Which is definitely in
here, no doubt about it...

Then I'm sure by now we
would be halfway to the theater.

Oh, you're right. Where
is my mind tonight?

It's probably halfway
to the theater.

- Now, let's get a move on.
- No, come on.

You won't let me
drive, will you?

Yeah.

♪♪

ANNOUNCER: Welcome
to the 28th annual

Golden Circle Awards

from the Hollywood Pavilion.

Brought to you by Corrode,

the multipurpose spray cleaner

that says no to dirt and stains

and yes to just
about everything else.

I'm Bernie Sacks,

broadcasting live outside
the Hollywood Pavilion,

and the stars are
really out tonight...

I just love these award shows.

- Look, there's Liz!
- Oh!

There's Liz.

Oh, look at all those
sequins, would you?

Yeah, gee.

(gasps) Never mind
her, there's Warren.

(gasps) Ooh...

- (Shirley whistles)
- Oh, isn't he

the most gorgeous hunk of man

- I've ever laid eyes on?
- Ooh, Warren... Warren...

- (whistles)
- How do you do?

How do you do, how do you do?

So this is what show business
looks like from the rear, huh?

Uh-huh, this is it, this is it.

MAN: Hey, you guys.

Who are you?

I'm fine. Who are you?

- Would you like an autograph?
- Of course.

Give him an autograph.

"Sincerely yours,
Marlon Squiggdo."

There you go, kid.

- In good health.
- Bye-bye.

I knew him when he was nothing.

(Squiggy chuckles)

Oh, look, that's Tippi Hedren.

SQUIGGY: Yeah,
that's Tippi Hedren.

Right this way, Miss Heatherton.

(applause)

Congratulations, Ronnie.

You'll make a
wonderful governor.

He thinks I voted for him.

Uh, make way for
Miss Heatherton.

LENNY and SQUIGGY:
Make way for Miss Heatherton.

Make way for Miss Heatherton.

Make way for Miss Heather...

You know, you gotta...

SQUIGGY: Make way
for Miss Heatherton.

(Lenny yells)

- (groaning)
- JOEY: Oh!

I'm so sorry.

Are you all right?

Did I hurt you?

It was good for me.

- Was it good for you?
- (laughs)

I'll get back to you.

I'll be laying right here.

Oh...

Lenny...

Lenny! Lenny!

Why didn't you give
her the invitation?

You had her right there
in the palm of your hands.

Ow!

You knocked all the Joey off it.

ANNOUNCER: And the winner is...

Ernest Rentwig, Alaska:
Life on the Tundra!

Oh, look, isn't that beautiful?

His beloved wife
is there by his side

to share this glorious moment.

That's not his wife.

That's a guy.

It's a silly business, isn't it?

Miss Heatherton, you're on next,

so you'll have to
get on your mark.

Stand by.

I'm a little bit nervous.

I think I should warm up.

Miss Heath...

- Miss Heather...
- (Lenny moans)

(talking over each other)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Joey Heatherton!

♪♪

(talking over each other)

- Joey?
- Joey?

- Miss Heatherton?
- Joey?

- That's not her.
- Joey?

Where are you, dear? Joe?

Where-where did she go?

I don't know.

And the nominees are...

A Man for All Seasons...

Listen! No!

JOEY: Juliet of the Spirits...

LENNY: Joey.

Blow-Up,

Loves of a Blonde,

Rasputin: The Mad Monk.

Hello.

Oh, look, there's Joey.

- There's Joey.
- There's Joey.

Excuse us, we're just...

But before I announce
the-the winning film...

- (loudly clearing throat)
- I'd like to say that

all of the people, uh... um,
involved are really winners,

and may I have the
envelope, please?

The envelope. She
wants the envelope.

Give her the envelope.

- No, it's all right, we have one.
- Thank you so...

- Here you are.
- Thank you.

And the winner is...

(laughs)

Blood Orgy of the Amazons.

LENNY and SQUIGGY: We won!

(laughing)

- We won!
- Joey!

(applause continues)

I'm very grateful.

I would like to thank my mother

for making me possible,

and Joey here...

I'd like to thank all the
people of the Polish nation

who couldn't be here tonight,

and I'd like to thank Joey, too.

Whoa!

This is the most wonderful...

(Squiggy yelling)

She's had our script
for over an hour now.

What could she be doing to it?

You don't suppose
she's reading it?

Oh!

Listen, I-I read the script
while I was dressing,

and I want you to know that
it's really a wonderful concept.

It's really funny. Very funny.

It was marvelous.

But, you know, unfortunately,

I'm-I'm... I'm doing a film

- very much like it.
- Oh.

But you... you guys really
write brilliant comedy.

Thank you.

She read it while
she was... dressing.

Lenny, did you
hear what she said?

She said it was a comedy!

She said it was a comedy.

We're dramatical writers,
not comedy writers!

We're finished in this town.

Our names ain't worth the
carbon paper they are printed upon.

Ah, come on, it ain't that bad.

She said that we were brilliant.

I had big plans for us.

And now look.

We're broke!

We blew all our money
on that, and for what?

Look, we still got
my sock money.

Ha, ha, you poor
pathetic creature.

How do you think I got the
money to pay for everything?

The tickets, the
taxis, the tempura?

You...

SQUIGGY: Yeah.

You took my sock money?

You mean it's definitely not
in there, no doubt about it?

Well, gee, Len, I
was sure that Joey

would say she'd do the picture,

and then we'd be
rolling in the dough.

And then our freezer would
just be full up with socks.

Okay, hate me.

Despise me.

I'm slime.

I'm lower than slime.

I'm sub-slime.

(Lenny sighs)

It's not your fault.

You did what you had to do.

- I did?
- Yeah.

Well, see, all you wanted
was for Squignoski Talent

to be more than just
another pretty name.

Yeah, that's true.

But I did steal your money.

The money that your own
mother told you to save.

Why should I listen to her?

She ran out on
me when I was five.

But you stuck by me.

Hey, you're the best.

Oh, Lenny...

only the best is
too good for you.

- Stupid.
- Stupid.

(laughing)

Boy, who would have
thought a couple of guys like us

would go from hustling beer
around Milwaukee in a truck

to plunging into the
middle of Hollywood society,

like we are tonight,
in such a short time?

Yeah. Well, what was
meant to be was meant to be.

- Yeah.
- It was written on a window.

Yeah, yeah. What's our
next project, there, sir?

- I say we should go...
- There they are.

They're the two idiots
who wrecked the awards.

You hear that? We're famous.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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