07x07 - Some Enchanted Earring

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Shirl?

Big, big, big,
big... big, big news.

What is it? What what
what what what what?

- Guess what? Guess what?
- What?

All right, let me guess...

- All right, never mind, I'll tell you.
- What?

I have a date tonight

with a real live
Hollywood producer.

(gasping)

Hollywood producer,
as in Cecil B.?

- You got it.
- (gasps) Oh...!

And guess who he is.

- Okay. Okay.
- Never mind, I'll tell you.

Willie Marsh.

Who?

The man who brought you

the Hollywood
classic House of Slime.

Oh, I loved that.

- The man is an artist.
- Mmm... oh... oh...

And guess where Mr. Marsh and
Miss DeFazio are dining tonight?

Okay... okay...
you're going to go...

Never mind, I'll tell you.

The Brown Derby.

Oh! You're ki... oh, Laverne,

where did you meet this guy?

Down at the drugstore...
We were both buying gum.

Oh, what's he like?

Juicy Fruit, same as me.

- SHIRLEY: Aw...
- Hi, girls!

(screaming)

Pop, you can't keep
barging in here like this.

We're adults now,
you must knock.

Big deal, I must knock.

I'll go outside and I'll knock.
Adults, look at this here.

I gotta go through
a whole thing...

Okay, go ahead, go
ahead, go ahead, go ahead...

FRANK: All right, all right.

- I'll do this...
- You do that.

I like the pink,
I'm telling you...

- (knocking on door)
- Who is it?

(muffled): Frank
DeFazio, your father.

Come in.

Better?

Now, what do you need, Pop?

You made me forget
what I came in here for.

Was it bigger than a bread box?

Box! That's it!

Box, I got it... here.

Hey, wait'll you see this here.

- What? What?
- Yeah... Yeah.

Oh, gee.

- (Shirley gasps)
- Recognize them?

- Ooh...
- Mom's diamond earrings.

Yeah.

I found them down
at the bank vault,

mixed in with your baby teeth.

FRANK: Laverne,
this is the deal.

I know that earrings are
a little bit old-fashioned...

- Yeah?
- So fix 'em up nice.

Make a nice pendant out of it,

you know, a bracelet,
something like that, okay?

- All right, Pop.
- Might I suggest a pierced setting?

It's so young and
youthful-looking.

Hey, that's it.

Make a nice
youthful thing out of it.

Whatever you like.

All right?

'Cause I want
to give it to Edna.

I'll see you later.

Edna?

Aw, I think it's nice

he's giving them to Edna.

I mean, they belonged to a wife,

it's only right that they
should go to a wife.

Edna?

It makes perfect sense to me.

RHONDA: Hi-ho, girls.

- Hi...
- Ho.

Rhonda was just next
door sunning herself,

when, suddenly, she
smelled diamonds.

Rhonda smelled diamonds?

Somehow I believe that.

(Rhonda gasps) Oh!

I knew it! I knew it!

(sniffing)

Oh, Rhonda's little
sniffer for gems never fails.

What did you have
to do for these...

and how can I meet him?

Real simple, Rhonda.

All you have to do is run
right outside that door and yell,

"Hey, Squiggy, I want you now!"

You know, Rhonda
may be statuesque,

but she's not stupid.

(chuckles)

Boy, now I know who God gave
the rest of my body to, Laverne.

You don't have
to flatter me, Shirl.

Okay, I'm gonna go
get dressed for my date.

Where's a good
place to hide this

so no one will find it...
You know, keep it safe?

Why don't you wear 'em?

That way, nobody will
suspect they're real.

You have three seconds
to explain that statement.

What I meant was, a
mugger would never suspect

somebody like you
to wear diamonds.

It's a compliment.

You certainly disguised it well.

- I didn't disguise it.
- Well, you insulted me...

- What, it isn't...?!
- That isn't an insult!

- Why would I insult you?
- Hey! Who cares?

I am going to the Brown Derby.

(quiet, mocking gibberish)

- What?
- Nothing, I just couldn't find what channel

- (clicking TV dial)
- we're on... here we go!

Whew!

Come on, babe!

LAVERNE: I'm coming,
but I think I broke

one of the heels off my shoe.

Don't worry, I'll buy
you a hundred heels.

Come on.

There you go...

Boy, you really like
to walk, don't you?

Yeah, it's good
for your thoughts.

- Come on.
- Okay...

There you go. Come to Willie...

come to Willie... come
to Wi... come to Willie!

Okay, all right, Willie.

Willie's got me.

- All right. All right.
- Okay...

Whew! Quite a view, huh?

Yeah.

I never realized Hollywood
was so high before.

Someday I'm gonna own this town.

Yeah?

Right now, I'm just renting.

- (laughs) Cute.
- Yeah.

Listen, I'm sorry about
the dinner plans, babe.

I had no idea the Brown Derby
was closed for remodeling.

Aw, that's okay.

I sort of liked the
place we ended up at.

- What was the name?
- House of Dogs.

Yeah, well, it's good
to eat standing up.

That way you dribble
less on your lap.

See that?

What a beauty!

Yeah.

Check it out.

The Marshmobile.

It's real cherry-looking.

Yeah.

Hey, you want to see
the Lavernemobile?

Yeah.

Seven-and-a-half B.

(laughs) You should be a writer.

- Aw, go on...
- Come on over here, babe.

(quietly): He called me babe.

This car is my
personal statement.

(convertible roof whirring)

This car says to the
world, "Hey... I'm important."

Get in, you'll be
important, too.

Oh, this is real neat.

This naugahyde?

Yeah, every inch.

Okay, let's take this
baby for a spin, huh?

Oh, yeah, if you're gonna spin,

this is the car to
spin in all right,

but it's not spinning right now.

Yeah, last night, up
here, it conked out on me.

Oh.

Were you up here making
another girl feel important?

Babe, it was business.

Natalie and I were up here

discussing some new ideas
for a project... i.e. movie.

Natalie Wood?

Uh-huh.

This hair look familiar?

Splendor in the Grass?

That's Natalie's, all right.

Do you mind if I keep this?

Keep anything you want, babe.

I promise I'm gonna
take you for a spin.

Tomorrow, Raphael,
my personal mechanic's

gonna come up and fix the car.

As soon as he's done
finishing with, uh, Brando's car.

(mouthing)

(imitating Brando): I
coulda been a contender.

- You can act!
- Aw...

No, you can be in my next film.

Oh, yeah, right.

Can you do a love scene?

Wait'll I say action.

Action!

(both moan passionately)

(both groan)

(yells)

Ooh, aah.

What's the matter?

Still hung up on Natalie?

No way, babe, you're number one.

It's this development deal.

See, I need two million dollars.

But the studio won't give
me a penny over a million-five.

Plus the transmission,
it's $400 to fix that...

Well, couldn't you just
take it out of the million-five?

Cute... you should
be an accountant.

Mine.

Action.

Ah, it's the frustration...
The pressure, the pressure!

So I keep forgetting.

There's two words
in show business.

Show... business.

I keep forgetting this.

What I need is a star.

A big star.

(Laverne splutters)

Steiger, Steiger...

Kid gave me an
idea with Steiger.

Is he too old to
play the teenager?

I don't know; it's
not my decision.

Maybe Fabian, or Frankie
Avalon, one of the young guys.

I've gotta do something
to get this film.

I've gotta do anything...
I'll beg, I'll do anything.

Who can I talk to? I don't
know that many people.

I'm too new in this town.

It's frightening, it's
a tough business.

It's not a business for babies.

Excuse me.

Well, hi, babe, what are
you doing back there?

- I just wanted to see it from there.
- Oh.

Look uh, come
on, don't feel bad.

Is there anything I could do?

Yeah, you got $400
to fix the transmission?

(Laverne chuckles quietly)

$400, you could buy
yourself a new car.

I don't need a new car.

Thanks for offering, babe.

- Hey...
- Hmm?

- Babe?
- Hmm...?

What's your take-home
pay there at Birdbath?

Oh... Bardwell's.

75 bucks.

WILLIE: Mmm... mmm...

Wait a second.

Are you after me for my money?

(both laughing)

Forget it. Tacky move.

Tacky... action!

- Babe...
- Hmm?

- I love your lips.
- Thank you.

- I love your cheeks.
- Thank you...

- Oh, I love your neck.
- (Laverne moans passionately)

I love your neck-lace.

It's so gold-ish.

Did you ever pawn
anything, babe?

(coughing) Wait a second.

You do want me for my money.

Well, let me tell you
something, buster,

you are barking up
the wrong shrub here.

I just discovered
something about you.

- What?
- These earrings!

Wait a second, just wait

- Babe...
- one minute here, babe.

Babe, don't jump
to conclusions here.

- Yeah? Well, I should've.
- I'm telling you.

No, you're new in this town
babe... you don't know the ropes.

Yeah, well, I should have jumped

when you made me
pay for the corn dogs.

I told you, I left my
wallet in New York.

Yeah.

I heard you.

Come on, babe.

Get back in the Marshmobile.

You know something?

I think I have an idea for
your next project... i.e. movie.

I can't pay you, but what is it?

It's called Car of Slime.

Car of Slime?

Not bad.

Cheap, no actors.

I could use my own car...

Hey!

You'll never date
in this town again!

SHIRLEY: This little
piggy went to market...

and this little
piggy stayed home.

And this little piggy...

has a corn...

twice the size of Rome.

Willie Marsh, House of Slime.

Start off with an expensive
pair of heels, get cheap flats now.

Guess what?

Never mind, I'll tell you.

That Willie Marsh turned
out to be one big old creep.

You know he wanted to
borrow 400 bucks from me?

(laughing hysterically)

That's exactly what I said.

Did you tell him you have never
seen $400 in your entire life,

except perhaps once,
in a Monopoly game?

Look at this.

Look at this junk
of yours, Laverne.

You carry a mirror around
with that little pouch?

You want to break it,
have seven years bad luck?

- Shirl?
- Glasses should always go on the side

- here like this.
- Shirl?

- I lost an earring.
- I can put this thing almost...

You mean you lost an earring.

You don't mean
you lost the earring.

You mean you lost an earring.

You didn't lose the earring.

I lost an earring. Look at this.

- You lost the earring?
- Yes.

- The diamond earring your father gave you?
- Yes.

- How could you do that?
- I don't know!

(both yelling at once)

How are we gonna
tell your father?

What are you gonna tell him?

I'll deal with my pop

when the time comes.

Hi, Muffin.

Boy, time does fly.

Okay, I know what
you're staring at.

I forgot to knock.

I apologize, but I'm in hurry.

Listen, call this
guy, Diamond Nate.

Okay.

He'll fix the earrings at
cost if I pay him with meat.

Okay, thanks, bye, see you.

- Okay.
- Bye-bye. -Bye.

- Ah, you're wearing them.
- Huh?

You're wearing the earrings.
Look how nice it looks.

Beautiful. Let me
see the other one.

Ah, I can't.

- She can't.
- I can't.

- I'm so embarrassed.
- She's so embarrassed.

Yeah, you caught
me wearing them.

You caught her wearing them.

- Do something.
- Do something.

♪ Twinkle, twinkle ♪

♪ Little star ♪

♪ How I wonder ♪

♪ What you are ♪

♪ Up above the world so high ♪

♪ Like a diamond ♪

♪ In the sky. ♪

All right, never mind.

I'll come tomorrow,
you'll show me both,

then we'll all do
"Three Blind Mice."

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Good-bye.
- (Shirley groans)

(groaning)

- Okay.
- Shirl...?

- What?
- Shirl?

- What?
- Shirl...?

I'm right here! What?

Okay, put your
fuzzy slippers on.

We're going to that creep's car

and search for the
diamond earring.

I can't put my slippers on.

My toenails will stick
to the roof of the shoe!

Shirl, I'm wearing
elf shoes here.

Would you come on and help me?

Can't you just call this guy?

Can't you just call him

and tell him you lost
a diamond earring?

Shirl, if this guy hears
the word diamond,

he'll be halfway to a pawn shop.

Okay, all right.

LAVERNE: It's here somewhere.

I can't help it if I
couldn't find a path.

- Ow!
- These shoes weren't made to walk up hills, Shirl.

My slippers. Look at...

Ooh, it's so pretty.

- Shh!
- This man didn't have one dollar?

Shh.

Okay, the car's cleaned
out and the top's still down.

That means he's
around here somewhere.

So, uh, go be a lookout.

Okay.

The caged bird
walks slowly in winter.

Why?

No, that'll be the code

in case I see him coming.

We don't need a
code; just be a lookout.

The brown bug is dead.

Maybe the caged bird ate it.

No, no, that's shorter;
the brown bug is dead.

- That's what I'll say.
- Why can't you just say,

"Hey, Laverne,
here comes Willie"?

Too simple.

Just be the lookout.

Hi, there, babe.

Willie Marsh, producer
of House of Slime.

My brown bug is in the cage.

That's not one of my films.

- The bird is uphill.
- That is.

He's here!

Have you seen my brown birdie?

No, why don't we
look for it together?

Okay.

No, no, no! Come
on, look over here.

- Birds love my car.
- Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, not my bird.

Not my bird; he
hates convertibles.

His daddy was k*lled by an MG.

Ooh, I'll tell you what.

It's a beautiful
night, isn't it?

Let's take a walk.

Yeah, let's take
a walk in the car.

- No, no, no, no, no, really.
- Yeah, come on.

Really, really, I just couldn't.

- Here, birdie. Here, birdie.
- Oh, here birdie.

- Oh, here, birdie.
- Where are you, birdie?

- Where are you, birdie?
- (chuckles)

Oh, I'll tell you what. Okay.

I'll tell you what...

Let's drive, let's
drive like the wind.

We will, but not in the car.

You see, not until Raphael,
my personal mechanic,

comes and fixes the trans...

(giggles)

Honey, Raphael's gonna
come, he's gonna fix the car.

It's nominal, a
pittance, $400 job.

This bird of yours,

is it, uh, worth anything?

Is it a rare bird?

You vile octopus.

You scum-sucking
fish on the t*nk of life.

Sailor boy,

show mama what you got!

Anchors away, Willie!

WILLIE: I think it's time

to close this deal.

- (Laverne mouthing)
- SHIRLEY: Oh, good.

Take me with you.

- WILLIE: Okay.
- No, no, take me with you.

WILLIE: I can't move.

SHIRLEY: No, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, no!

Boo Boo Kitty, I'm gonna
have to start rinsing you

on a delicate cycle
because you have lint all...

Oh, you're back from Nate's.

Oh, let's see, let's see.

Ooh, what...?

They're beautiful,
but what did he do?

Nothing. I just
had them cleaned.

I wanted to leave them
the way my mama left them.

Laverne, why don't
you level with your father

about how you feel
about this Edna thing?

What are you talking about?

I'm happy for Edna.

Yeah, but you're not
happy for yourself.

And you feel guilty 'cause
you want the earrings.

It's written all over your face.

Well, just forget
about it, okay?

I'll erase my face.

Hi, girls.

Mr. DeFazio, may I
say something to you?

Sometimes someone says
something to a loved one,

but it doesn't mean
that they meant to say

what they really
said when they said it.

Then again, that same someone

sometimes doesn't say
what they should've said

when they should've said it
simply because they didn't know

how to say it.

I'm glad we could
have this little chat.

I'll be in my room.

She on another diet?

No.

She just thinks Boo Boo Kitty
is a little under the weather.

Laverne?

Thank you.

- Ah.
- Here they are.

There they are.

Ah, they're beautiful.

Here, put them on.

No, I don't want to, Pop.

- Put them on.
- I don't want to.

Put them on!

What's the big deal?
Let me look at them.

Just, the hardest
part is to put them on.

I used to help
your mother with it.

I'll help you.

Give me one of them.

I think this is the
way it goes on.

- Look at that.
- They're not pierced, Pop.

- I know, I know.
- They're not pierced.

- I know, I know, I know.
- They're... Well, be careful.

There you are. See that?

You look just like your mother.

No, no, no.

Let me look at it.

Diamonds look nice.

Come on, let's dance.

Oh, no, Pop, I don't want to.

Come on, come on, come on.

The diamonds,
you, me, we'll dance.

It'll be nice.

Together.

(humming a melody)

Try it again.

You're not dancing.

Look, Pop, I-I didn't
want to get into this thing,

but...

Well, do you remember when, uh,

when Grandpa gave
you that baseball glove

before he d*ed?

You know, the one
autographed by Ty Cobb?

Yeah.

Well, imagine if you thought

Grandpa was gonna
give you that glove,

but instead, he gave
it to Cousin Joey.

How would that make you feel?

Oh.

You don't want me to
give you the earrings.

Me?

Yeah, you want the
baseball glove instead.

You were gonna
give me the earrings?

You said Edna. I...

We wanted you to have it,

but it was old-fashioned.

We figured that you would
fix it up any way you want.

Make a ring out of it,
a bracelet, something.

You understand?

And it would still
be a big surprise.

Well, I think they're beautiful

just the way you
gave them to Mama,

but come on, Pop,

you weren't gonna
give me the earrings.

(Frank chuckles quietly)

"Dear Muffin,

"I know you think I
always wanted a son.

"Well, you're wrong.

"If I had a son,

"who would I give
these earrings to?

"Your Pop,

Pop."

Aw, Pop.

I was gonna write a poem,

but you know what
rhymes with "muffin"?

Nothin'!

You got a pencil?

- Let me write...
- Oh, a pencil, Pop...

Want to dance?

Ah, okay.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

(both humming)

♪♪

Hi-ho, girls. Big news.

Rhonda just landed a part
in a major motion picture.

Oh, congratulations!

- Oh, thanks, thanks.
- Look at you.

But there's more.

There's someone
I want you to meet.

SHIRLEY: Oh!

Come on in, sweetie!

Hey, babes.

I can tell from your reaction
you know me from someplace.

Perhaps on the talk shows,
promoting my new film,

Car of Slime.

Aw, knock it off.

You act like you
never seen us before.

Babe, I know hundreds of women.

Was I someone
important in your life?

Don't try to talk.

Just savor the moment.

I'll meet you outside.

Then we'll walk up to the car.

Rhonda, Rhonda,

there's something that you
should know about this man.

Oh, no time, no time.

I have to go to the bank
and cash this check.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't write that man a check.

(laughs)

Rhonda's not
writing him a check.

He just got two million
dollars from the studio

and is giving Rhonda an advance.

Toodles.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪