07x09 - Friendly Persuasion

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

SHIRLEY: Good
morning, Mr. Pennington.

What can we do for you today?

We have a very
important customer

arriving at any moment.

Ooh, an important customer.

Nice.

And I want this wrapped
in Bardwell's best.

Mr. Pennington, you can
count on Laverne and me

to wrap it in Bardwell's
very, very best.

Don't kiss up, Shirl.

It's so early in the morning.

Ah.

Here he is now.

In here, Charles.

I bought the whole family.

I-I couldn't resist
Cousin Teddy.

(gasps)

What is it?

It's Charles Grodin, the actor.

Good.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Charles Grodin,
the actor, right?

- Right.
- (indistinct talking)

Excuse me, hi, my
name's Laverne DeFazio.

- (muttering)
- This is my friend Shirley.

- Hi, Shirley.
- Hello, how do you do?

- Nice to meet you.
- You know, we have seen you

just so many times on the TV.

We just can't remember where.

In your living room?

(laughs hysterically)

What a wit! He's...

You're much cuter in
person than you are on TV.

- Not that you're
not cute on TV, - No.

Because you're cute...
you're cute all over.

You're cute.

Charles, these are our wrappers.

We're the wrappers.

The ladies who should
be wrapping your package.

Yeah.

Sadly, this is the face
Bardwell puts out for the public.

- (clapping)
- Wrap, wrap, wrap, ladies!

Oh, I'll get the big bear.

- Wait a second, excuse me.
- We'll get a box from the back.

I got you in there.

- I'm sorry.
- Come on, Laverne.

- Thank you.
- I'm gonna wrap them up.

I want to wrap
them! I touched them!

No, I'm gonna wrap
them; I got here first!

You've been docked
15 minute already.

(girls groan)

Aren't you a little
hard on them?

Charles, you are
the actor in the family.

I am the store manager.

I live in the real world

and have to get results
from these people.

Yeah, you know, I
think if you treated them

in a more respectful way,
they'd be so cooperative

you wouldn't be
able to stand them.

I can't stand them now.

You have to treat them
with the friendliness

that everyone deserves.

Oh, you and your friendliness.

Charles, Charles,

why don't you try
talking to Lucy and Ethel?

You know,

if you think friendliness
is the answer, prove it.

- Well, I...
- Come on, Charles.

Come on.

Okay, okay.

I'll talk to them,
but if I'm right,

you have to treat all your
employees with respect.

And if you're wrong,
you have to handle

all the complaints the
week after Christmas.

Okay, okay.

- It's a deal.
- Merry Christmas, Charles.

Dignity, friendliness,

bird doo-doo.

SHIRLEY: No, no, no!

That's not fair!

- I got...
- Wait, wait, wait, Shirl.

No!

I gave you extra tape.

Thanks.

Now look what you've done.

- Look what you did!
- I'll fix it!

- You... All right, no, I'll fix it.
- Girls, girls,

let-let me help you with this.

I used to have a job like this.

Oh, really? You
used to be a wrapper?

Well, I worked in a
store in customer service.

Yeah, well, it's a living,

but I'm ready for a
home and children.

Laverne?

You know, a lot of people
would love to have a job like this.

They would?

Yeah, yeah, I'd love to talk to
you about your jobs sometime.

- You would?
- Yeah.

You'd love to talk
to us about our jobs?

Sure, our jobs, your job,

whose ever jobs you
want to talk about.

Uh, how about coming
over to my place tonight?

Laverne?

Uh, you bring the wine.

I'll bring the wine.

You bring the wine;
you're the actor.

Okay, okay.

Okay, 113 and a
half Laurel Vista.

Okay, around 7:00?

- Great.
- Okay.

Phone number, 555-8484.

Uh, nice phone number.

Zip code, 91505.

- Attractive zip.
- Yeah

Shirl, come on, we got to
get this place cleaned up.

Charles Grodin is coming
over here to be with me.

- Well, you know what I think?
- Yeah.

- I'll tell you what I think.
- I think you should help me.

I think that Mr. Grodin is
after our jobs at Bardwell's.

That's what I think.

Our jobs? What would
he want with our jobs?

Didn't you hear him?

He wants to talk to
us about our jobs.

Shirl, he's an actor.

He's also
Mr. Pennington's cousin,

and he used to work
in customer service.

Shirl, he's an actor.

Ow!

Shirl, he's an actor.

Actors come, actors go.

They're always out
of work, Laverne.

I'm telling you, he wants
our jobs at Bardwell's!

We'll tell him
it's a piece of art.

Laverne, Laverne, listen to me.

- Give me this, give me this.
- Listen to me, please.

Don't worry about anything.

I'm gonna go upstairs
and change the sheets.

Why are you gonna
change the sheets?

Well, in case Chuck wants to...

take a nap.

Oh, that, yeah, yeah.

Let him rest up so he's
got plenty of strength

to take our jobs!

- What's a bowling ball doing...?
- Hi, Shirl.

Oh, hi, honey.

Well, are you ready?

Ready for what?

What do you mean, "for what"?

We were gonna eat
Chinese food tonight.

I already made
reservations at Goldfarb's.

Oh, Carmine, I'm sorry.

I forgot.

Besides, I-I'm not really in
the mood for Chinese food.

Oh, Shirl, listen, the
two-for-one coupon

is only good for tonight.

Carmine, why is it that
every time we go out,

it's because you have
a discount coupon?

Hey, I'm struggling, all
right? I'm having a hard time...

- That's not the point. That's not the point.
- Hey, listen,

- it shouldn't make a
difference - The point is... No, no.

- What kind of food you eat,
- A date should be romantic.

- Where you eat or when you eat.
- Listen to me.

- A date should be romantic.
- It's who you eat it with!

- You're eating it with me.
- What's all this noise here?!

(sighs)

Rhonda is trying
to learn her lines

for a very important
audition tomorrow morning.

Oh, Rhonda, really,
how long does it take

to learn how to moan in Swedish?

Carmine, Car...

Carmine? Ca...

Anyway, I'm just...

I'm not in the mood
for moo goo gai cheap.

Oh, that's fine.

Okay, that's fine. Fine! Fine!

Fine.

You want to have dinner?

- Oh, what? I...
- Carmine, Carmine.

Uh, look, um,
perhaps I shouldn't.

I really don't want to
come between you two.

Oh, listen, you're not
coming between anything.

There's, uh, nothing to
come between no more.

Well, in that case,

Rhonda will go
sharpen her chopsticks.

(giggles)

How could you?

How could you do that?

- How can you ask that
woman out - How could I do that?

- In front of me?
- All I did was ask her to dinner.

- I got a two-for-one coupon.
- You do something like that.

- I want to use it.
- What a horrible thing to do.

- There's nothing wrong with that!
- You think that doesn't

hurt my feelings, you
do something like that?

- To have dinner with somebody?
- That isn't the point!

- That gonna hurt your feelings?
- The point is that you...

I had dinner with
Lenny and Squiggy.

- That don't hurt your feelings.
- Stop it!

Two questions.

Think I should wear this
hat to meet Chuck in?

- No.
- No.

What do you know?

Second of all, what
were you fighting about?

Well,

go on, tell her.

Why should I tell
her? You tell her.

On, no, no, no, no, no, I
want you to tell her. Go on.

Let all the ugly
skeletons out of the closet.

Hello.

- LAVERNE: Hey, please go away.
- SHIRLEY: Um, um, um, please,

I-I hope you're
not dripping there.

Oh, dripping?

(laughs)

- We wish!
- We wish.

- There's no hot water in this house.
- SHIRLEY: Well...

Thusly, we cannot finish
shampooing poor Squiggy's head.

You guys actually shampoo?

Yeah, Laverne, twice
a year, like clockwork.

Oh, boy.

But now, thanks
to you, look at me!

I look like an ice cream cake.

Sure.

Lenny, don't eat that.

This is a curler.

You got plenty of them.

- Oh, gee.
- You know something?

As good neighbors go,
you girls just simply don't.

Real major disappointment.

- You know...
- Shirl, would you please help me here?

- Look, can we just talk?
- Get out!

- Oh, fine, I'll get out.
- No, no.

I'm not going anywhere.

(indistinct shouting)

(shouting continues)

Shut up!

Hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

I said shut up!

Hello.

(chuckles)

Oh, um, um, Mr. Grodin,
uh, you've come at a bad time.

Uh, if you could come
back another time.

(groaning): Shirl.

Come at the perfect time.

They were fighting, but now
they're leaving. Good-bye.

- Carmine and I are staying here.
- We ain't going nowhere.

We practically live
here, for crying out loud.

If anybody should go, it's him.

Yeah, I agree.

Look, if I've come
at a bad time,

- I can just...
- No, no, no, no.

No, they're just so
excited that you're here

that they want to talk to you.

So you talk to
them for a minute.

Then they'll leave, and
then we'll open the wine.

Everyone, this is
Charles Grodin, the actor.

They're just so
excited that you're here.

Why don't you come in and
make yourself comfortable?

Okay?

Okay.

- SHIRLEY: Get a chair, Carmine.
- LAVERNE: Oh.

(chair squeaking)

How you doing?

Mm-hmm.

How's it going?

Uh-huh.

- Yourself?
- Good.

Ah, good.

- Excuse me, my fault.
- Sorry.

All right, your fault.

(Squiggy clears throat)

Is that water running?

(gasps) The shower.

I forgot the shower.

Oh, see, that's why there's
no hot water in this building.

'Cause she wastes it.

You see the way she moves?

She's like a bunny in
every way except one.

(laughter)

She hates carrots.

(laughter)

Don't think I didn't
hear that remark.

And while we're at it,

let's talk about a man who
wears nine pairs of socks

to make himself look taller.

(laughter)

(shouting)

Air my dirty laundry in public?

(shouting continues)

Hold-hold it, everybody!

What is the problem?

There's no problem.

I'm going to make coffee now.

There's no problem?

Ha! Let her make coffee.

I'll tell you the problem, bud.

Look at my head.
Look at my head!

It's all lathered up
with no place to go.

You know why?

Because I go into the shower

to turn on the water,
and what happens?

Nothing, because she
wasted all the water.

That's the fact,
and that's the truth.

All right, well,
that's a problem.

That's a problem, all right.

Okay, that's a
legitimate problem.

- Yeah.
- Now, what's your name?

- Squiggy.
- What?

Squiggy.

- Squiggy?
- Squiggy.

Well, that's-that's-that's...
that's a very nice name.

It's a foreign name.

- A foreign name?
- Yeah.

- Where are you from?
- Milwaukee.

Uh-huh.

So, you, so you lather
yourself up, you stand in there...

- No, no, I do that.
- No, he...

- I lather him.
- He...

- You lather him?
- Yeah.

I'm his roommate,
Lenny, I do his lathering.

You go in the shower
and you lather him?

No, I don't go in the... I
stand beside the shower

in the proper attire, and
I lather him from there.

- Well, now, you're-you're a good friend.
- I think so.

Oh, right, right, and
I ain't a good friend?

Is that what you're
trying to tell me?

- I ain't a good friend?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're a good friend, I'm
sure he does things for you.

- You do things for him, right?
- I don't do nothing for him!

- You don't, huh?
- No, I don't have to do

nothing for him. What I
do nothing for him for?

That's the arrange... You don't
have to brag about it, though.

I'm not brag... yeah.
You're bragging.

You're the one saying
you're Squiggy's latherer.

I'm not bragging.
I'm didn't brag at all!

- "I lather Squiggy's hair."
- He brought it up.

This guys started it...

All right, now, wait,
wait, wait a second.

Just give me a
second, wait a second.

- Hey, what did he say?
- You came off good.

Did I?

They're a little hard to
deal with, aren't they?

They're enough
to drive you crazy.

Do you want to see my room now?

(laughs) You're funny.

Yeah, well...

I just wanted

to get one of you smiling.

Well, coffee's almost ready.

I know why you're here, Grodin,
and let me tell you something,

I can play hard ball
with the best of them.

- (Laverne shushing)
- Cookie?

- Aah, aah...
- Thank you.

Go make the coffee.

- Over here, Shirl, watch-watch that coffee table!
- Ow!

Watch it, Shirl,
over here, over here.

I don't know what's
the matter with her.

I think she's been hanging
around with them too long.

You see what I mean?
You see what you're...

You can't be around them.

All right, all right, look.

Let's just, let's
accept the fact

that they, that
they're a little, uh...

They're, uh...

They're unusual. No,
they-they really are.

They're unusual, but I
think there's no problem

that you can't solve
in a friendly manner.

- Really?
- Really.

- (Lenny chuckles)
- No problem, huh?

No problem you can't
solve in a friendly manner.

All right, what if I give you
a "for instance," all right?

A "what happened." Come
on. Sit down for a second.

I want you to hear this.

You tell me if you
can handle this

- in a friendly way, all right?
- All right.

Sit down. Now, this-this
is an actual experience.

Didn't happen to me. It
happened to a friend of mine.

- All right.
- You know?

All right, you're in a res...

You want that?

Uh, no...

- You're not gonna eat it?
- No.

All right, here, here...

Come on, Shirl, we're
wasting a good coupon.

I'm not eating Chinese food.

Coffee?

- Coffee?
- All right, thank you.

- Coffee? -Thank you.

- Coffee?
- Ah, thank you.

- Thank you.
- Want a picture of the coffee?

Not that, not that,
that's the sugar...

Take the coffee.

Oh, it's good, it's
good-good coffee.

Oh, really? It's instant.

Are you suggesting I
get a job in a coffee shop

when you take my
job at Bardwell's?

- I don't want your job at Bardwell's.
- Oh, yes, you do.

I'm just trying to be friendly.

(Laverne and Shirley yelling)

Hey, hey! All right, ah, okay.

What are you here for anyway?

Are you doing research
for a new movie?

Invasion of the Friendly People?

(Lenny and Carmine laughing)

All right, he's kidding,
he's kidding, he's kidding.

You're kidding, aren't you?

But I'm not kidding,
I'll tell you what you are.

I've seen your
type on 11:00 news.

You, sir, are a
outside agitator.

LAVERNE: What
are you talking about?

Hey, look, right here
in the living room.

It's a bird, it's a plane,
it's Captain Friendly.

All right, all right,
I had enough!

I come in here, I try to
be nice, I try to be friendly!

But you can't be nice
and friendly with you guys.

You're a bunch of
stupid, thoughtless,

narrow-minded jerks!

- That's all you are!
- What?!

(all yelling)

All right, hold it, hold it!

Hold it! Hold it.

I'm not angry, I'm not angry.

I'm just pretending to be angry.

I want to show you, if I
get angry, you get angry,

I get angry, you
get angry, it's just...

it's just like an endless chain.

Sort of like a Slinky?

Right. That's right.
You know, but-but-but...

but if you were
nice, I was nice,

you were nice, I was nice,

then everybody would be nice.

I'm being nice.

You certainly are.

You see, then that could be
a... that could be a nice chain.

A happy Slinky.

That's right, that's right.

Then feelings are contagious.

Then everybody would
have a chance to be nice,

the world could be
filled with nice people

instead of what we've got.

Uh-oh, there goes
Wednesday night wrestling.

Hey, listen, uh, can
we hurry this up?

My coupon expires at midnight.

For the last time,
I'm not eating

any discount Chinese food.

And we're not buying any
of this friendly stuff, Grodin.

(all arguing indistinctly)

Wait a second.

I think I can help you out here.

Okay, I appreciate it.

Okay, why don't you
relax for a minute?

♪ Hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho ♪

♪ Hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho,
hi-ho, hi-ho, hi... ♪

(gasps)

Oh! Charles Bronson.

Where's Charles Bronson?

That's him!

No, no, this is Charles Grodin.

Plant yourself, Rhonda.

I'm just going to
explain something.

Thank you.

- LENNY: Hi.
- (Rhonda chuckles)

Now, Chuckie here
is a little shy, right?

He came into Bardwell's today

to buy a bunch of teddy bears.

I looked at him.

He looked at me.

I said he was cute.

He said I was cute.

I'm talking to you in
plain English here, folks.

It's called a good old case
of the you-know-whats.

I've got it.

Chuckie wants it.

Go ahead, Chuck, ask me.

Ask you what?

See how shy he is?

For the date, silly.

Oh, never mind.

(Grodin chuckles, mutters)

- Chuck?
- What?

I'd be happy to go out with you.

- Aw!
- What a charming moment.

- Isn't that nice?
- Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Laverne.

Excuse me, I, uh...

Laverne, I-I think there's
been some mistake here.

I-I really didn't come over here
to ask you to go out with me.

You didn't come to
ask me for a date?

No.

Oh, what is it, you're married?

- No.
- Engaged?

- No. -Don't want to lead me on

and you only got
six months to live?

No.

- It's the hat, isn't it?
- No.

- I could get rid of it, like that.
- No, no, no.

No, it's...

Oh, I get it.

I get it.

Don't touch me.

Just not good enough, huh?

Not pretty enough.

- SQUIGGY: Bingo!
- LENNY: Shh!

No, no, no. Now,
come on, now, stop that.

You're-you're very pretty.
You're very attractive.

It's just that... I'm
involved with somebody.

- Yeah, sure.
- I-I-I really just came by

to-to... to try to help.

Yeah, well, you did a
real good job of helping.

I'm sorry, I didn't...
I didn't mean to...

- I'm-I'm really...
- It's not enough you come here

to take our jobs, but you
break my best friend's heart, too.

Listen, pal, don't you
have someplace to go?

- LENNY: Yeah.
- Now.

Yeah.

Sure. I'm sorry.

I really, this is, uh...

Yeah, I'm sorry. I...

You know, I just, I hope you
think about what I said, and...

(door shuts)

Let me rip this film out.

Aw, come on, Laverne.
Come on. Come on.

Don't worry, you
can find another one.

Any guy would have
to be out of his mind

not to want go out with you.

- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.

Hey, listen. I'll tell you what.

You can have my
coupon, huh? Huh?

Rhonda thinks you're pretty.

And-and you're funny, and...

- Keep going.
- (Rhonda stammers)

Ow!

You're nice.

And... you're easy...

going.

Squiggy?

Well, uh...

I never see you
spit when you talk.

And you don't spend too
much time in the shower.

SQUIGGY: Who does?

Aw.

You guys are the best.

- Aw!
- LENNY: You're the best.

- Especially you, Shirl.
- Me?

- Yeah, thanks.
- Well...

Hey, you know, Shirl,
you're pretty terrific.

And I'll tell you what.

No more coupon
dinners, all right?

No, no more coupon
dinners. I'll tell you what.

We'll, uh, try that new
day-old pizza place, huh?

Oh, Carmine, do
you mean it, sweetie?

- Hey, the best for you, huh?
- Aw, thank you.

Uh, excuse me, Rhonda?

Uh, you don't mind, do you?

Oh, of course not.

Rhonda would never come
between you and day-old pizza.

Aw, gee, Rhonda,
that's real sweet of you.

I mean, way down
deep, you're really a doll.

Hey, you notice how
everybody's got something nice

to say about everybody
else, ex-except for yours truly

and him too-ly?

Okay, Lenny.

I think you're a sweet guy

and a real good friend.

(crying)

- Easy, Len, easy.
- Oh. Sorry.

- Thanks, Laverne.
- (Squiggy clears throat)

(clearing throat loudly)

(hacking)

Hey, hey, uh, uh,
Squigg? Squigg?

You know, out of
all of my friends,

you're the one who most
resembles Neil Sedaka.

Thank you, Len.

Come on, let's open the wine

and have a good time.

(all clamoring)

- SHIRLEY: Wait a minute.
- LENNY: No.

(grunting): That's
right, that's right, that's...

- Thank you.
- That's very nice.

Wait a minute.

Wait... a minute.

Everybody think for a minute.

(groans)

Who was the one who told
us that if we were friendly,

it would start a chain reaction?

ALL: Charles Grodin.

So who got us to be friendly?

ALL: Charles Grodin.

Need I say more?

Charles Grodin?

Excuse me, forgive
me, I-I got to say this

while it's still
fresh in my mind.

I-I should have started
with the idea of respect,

which is at the foundation
of all friendships.

If you didn't respect
another person's sensibility,

you wouldn't care
what anyone thought.

But...

But you do care! That's
why you're friends.

And that's why you argue.

And-and once you understand
that, you know that you have

to be careful not to just
throw around careless remarks.

I mean, you-you might
not agree with me now,

but I-I know that
sometime in the future...

The future?

The future? Not now, like,
what's-what's coming up?

That sometime in the-the future,

you will, you will
understand what I'm saying.

And you'll know that it's
not right to be unfriendly.

Because when
people are unfriendly,

it really hurts
a lot, it-it-it...

You-you understand
what I'm saying, right?

Charles Grodin.

Chuck, I don't know
how to tell you this, but...

well, I've never been
humiliated by a nicer guy.

Well, that's-that's-that's a...

that's a very
sweet thing to say.

It must, it must've
been a heck of a speech.

And I-I-I would just
like to add to that

that-that I'm-I'm
very, very sorry.

I'm so ashamed.

I almost put rancid
half-and-half in your coffee.

You mean you didn't?

No, that's a
joke, that's a joke.

- (laughter)
- See, just a friendly joke.

- That's a joke.
- CARMINE: Hey!

Hey, what do you say we
all go out and celebrate, huh?

That's a great
idea. I am starving.

(all clamoring)

- I will, I will, I will.
- Okay, great.

I'm not really dressed
for day-old pizza.

Oh, don't worry
about that at all.

(laughter, quiet chatter)

- I-I'm really sorry once again.
- Oh, don't even, no...

- Great speech, Chuck.
- Thank you, thank you.

I can relate to
that future part.

Yeah, yeah.

Gee, that was, uh,
that was a good speech.

- I wish we had a tape recorder, so...
- Yeah.

Do-do you think anybody
remembered what I said?

Or exactly what...?

Oh, I remember
what you said, sure.

You said, if we're
gonna start with respect,

we should, because that is
the foundation of all friendships.

For without respect,
w-we have nothing.

We don't respect each
other's sensitivities,

but in the future...

That's what you
said, "in the future"...

Oh, did that scare me.

You weren't on the level
about that thing, right?

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪