07x13 - Rocky Ragu

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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07x13 - Rocky Ragu

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

- Come on, please?
- No!

- For the hundredth time, no!
- Please, come on!

How can you say no to
a guy that's been sitting

on your stoop for two hours?

Come on!

Well, can't you wait
until Shirley gets back?

Look, you know I wouldn't ask
you unless it was an emergency.

Come on, please? Please?

Please? (kissy sound)

All right, I'll do it.

But I won't like it.

Well, take your pants off.

(humming a tune)

I've had enough
humiliation for one day.

I'll get the needle and thread.

How'd that happen
to you, anyway?

Well, I had to sing
"Happy Birthday"

for a roomful of Irish
setters, you know?

- What?
- And then one of the dogs

mistook my rear for the
birthday cake and bit me.

(grunts)

Maybe he was a little testy

because his party
hat was too tight.

I mean, what kind of
job is this anyways?

I mean, a man does
have his pride, Laverne.

(laughing)

Oh, the skirt's cute, Carmine,

but I always took you
for a culotte man myself.

Funny, funny, funny.

Hi-ho, Laverne, hi-ho, Shirley.

(laughs)

Anyway.

Guess who just
landed the major lead

in a major motion picture.

You're right.

Rhonda.

Hey, congratulations!

Aw, gee, I got to
get a stronger thread.

Not that I'm not
interested, Rhonda.

Well, it's the life story
of Rocky Manicotti.

Boxer, lover, short-order cook.

It's a musical.

Rocky Manicotti the
ex-middleweight champion?

That guy was quick, man.

I mean, they said he was so fast

that he could
turn the lights out

and be in bed
before it got dark.

Oh, that's what they
used to say about Rhonda.

But then my knees went.

Tough break.

(sighs): Yeah.

Oh, Carmine.

This is the biggest
break Rhonda's ever had.

But with my luck they won't
find anybody to play Manicotti,

and the whole thing
goes down the drain.

Where'd you ever get
a crazy idea like that?

- The producer.
- Well, they should know.

Listen, I wouldn't
get all excited about it.

I'm sure there's
hundreds of actors

that'd be dying
to play that part.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Lightbulb...

lightbulb!

You were born to
play Rocky Manicotti.

- Me?
- You.

- (Carmine stammering)
- Yes!

You think I could do that?

Oh!

Of course you can do it.

Of course you can.

Rhonda will coach you. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, now the
big scene takes place

in a sleazy restaurant.

So, uh, Cowboy Bill's.

We'll rehearse tonight
at Cowboy Bill's.

Okay, but look, uh...

you got to promise me you
won't tell nobody, all right?

Why not?

See, I don't want nobody to
know except Shirley in case...

Well, in case I
don't get the part.

Oh, Carmine.

That's easy to understand.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

My lips are sealed.

Yeah. And you'll do fine.

I promise, you'll
do fine, but, uh...

(laughs) lose the skirt.

(sniffs)

Well, I did as good
a job as I could,

but I think you're gonna need
to take them to the tailor's.

Aw, don't worry, I'm
sure they'll be fine.

No, I'd say good, not fine.

And remember now, um...

in this scene you want the girl.

You can pretend you
want Rhonda, can't you?

I'll force myself.

(laughs)

Then tell her.

Touch her.

(moans)

Make her feel your desire!

- Ah.
- (clearing throat)

You're the woman who makes me...

- (clears throat) Oh.
- (Rhonda laughs)

You're the woman who makes
me sweat when I take a cold shower.

Uh... if only I could take you

to that magical place called...

together.

Oh, baby! Oh, baby!

Oh, baby! (gasps)

But...

you already have a woman.

Uh, oh.

But she's a kid.

And you're a woman.

The one I long for
from sunset to dawn.

You're the one that I live for.

Oh, that was good.

- Was it? Did you like that?
- Yeah, yeah.

Um, uh, a-a little too
good. (clears throat)

Rhonda has to go
and splash herself.

I touch your face, I feel
your skin in my dreams.

Hey, I was good.
Yeah, I was good.

There's no doubt about that.

Will this be all, or would
you like another side dish?

Hey, what are you doing?

Surprised to see
me here, aren't you?

I bet you are.

What'd you do that for?

I'll get better.

Rhonda put the fire out.

Okay.

Now let's take it from
the part where I tell you

that, uh, if you keep
fighting you're gonna wind up

a punch-drunk,
washed-up palooka.

Hello.

Oh, boy, onion
rings, my favorite.

Hey, what are you
doing with my...

- Get out of here. Get away...
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

I got to taste
everything for you.

- 'Cause you're gonna be a big star.
- Hey, listen, Squigg.

Uh, Rhonda and I are
kind of busy now, maybe...

Oh, that's good 'cause
I'm pretty busy myself.

So why don't you sit down,
'cause I got something

very important to tell you.

- Sit down.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

(clears throat)

Now, Carmine?

Now, Carmine...

(laughs)

Would you like me to leave?

In a word, please do.

She's smart for a pretty girl.

Now, Carmine, how
would you feel if I told you

that the Squignoski
Talent Agency is ready

to get you an exclusive audition

for the title role in The
Rocky Manicotti Story?

I'd say I don't need your help
because it's an open audition.

Aha, all the more reason why
you need our help as agents.

Because you see,
Carmine, we believe in you.

We know how to cater to
your whims and your desires.

What is this "we" stuff
here? Where's Lenny?

Oh, Lenny, right now is
out doing your publicity.

By now your name
should be a household word

on the corner of
3rd and La Brea.

Well, don't waste your time.

Because, uh, I ain't even
getting by the first audition.

- Oh, Carmine, Carmine,
- I can't act, Squigg.

- Don't say that...
- I can't even do an Italian...

Italian accent, I can't
do it and I'm Italian!

Carmine, don't put yourself
down; you're not worth it.

♪♪

SQUIGGY: All right, Len,

just stand here by the
door, and wait for my signal.

Look, uh, Squigg,
whatever your plan is,

I don't think it's gonna work.

Look, Carmine, who's
the brains behind this?

You are... that's why I
don't think it's gonna work.

Oh. Listen, you
just do the acting,

let me handle the
agent game, all right?

- All right.
- (sighs)

- Pardon me, young woman...
- Mr. Manicotti's in his office.

Have a seat and we'll call you.

(clears throat softly) Excuse
me, my little butter cake,

uh, but I couldn't
help but notice

this beautiful blue
Rolls-Royce parked outside...

Oh, yeah. Mr. Manicotti's
pride and joy.

Oh, is it? Well,
it's about to be

his pile of junk, 'cause
I noticed it was rolling

down a hill with nobody in it.

Oh! And today was my
day to put on the brake!

- Oh!
- Oh! (gasping)

Go on.

I Ching.

Must be a sequel to King Kong.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh...

(groans)

Oh, my goodness gracious
me, did everyone notice that?

LENNY: Oh...

Oh, my gracious.

What is the matter
with you, young lad?

Oh, sir, I-I have never
taken such a huge b*ating.

And I was only auditioning
for the part of the referee.

The referee? Why,
that's a small role.

- It's a cameo.
- Yes, it is.

I'm getting out of here.

No part is worth
a face like his.

- (laughs) Hey, it really worked.
- Yeah, yeah.

I'm a pretty good actor; maybe
I should try out for Rocky, huh?

Yeah, maybe you
should, maybe you should.

Hey, it worked! Hey,
Lenny, you were great.

Maybe Lenny should play Rocky.

Hey, that's two votes for me.

Look, Lenny, you want to play
Rocky and get hit in the face?

You were born to
play this role, Carmine.

- See ya.
- Thanks, Len.

What's going on here?

Somebody walks into my office,

pours ketchup on his
head, and walks out.

What? Why, the same thing
happened to me in my office.

There must be a lot
of that going around.

Sir, I'm Andrew
Squiggman. How do you do?

This is my client,
Carmine Ragusa.

- Hey, I know you.
- Yeah?

France. Infantry.

What outfit were you in?

Oh, the same as most
of the fellows had...

Olive drab, you know, kind of...

ROCKY: How long you been out?

Well, uh, long
enough to discover

this great cinematic talent.

I tell you, sir, that this
man, Carmine Ragusa,

will put the "ma"
back in cine-ma.

It's a great honor to meet
a great fighter like you, sir.

- Yes, it certainly is.
- Sure, sure, let's see

what your kid can do.

Oh, he can do everything.

He can act, he can dance,

he can sing, he sweats good.

Come on, show him.

All right, so he
could hit the bag.

- But can he act? -Can he act?
- (laughs): Can I act?

- Can I act, Squigg?
- Of course he can act.

Of course. Now
remember, Carmine,

just like we rehearsed
it... Only good.

Here. Take a look
at, uh, scene 78.

- 78.
- My secretary ain't here,

so I'll read, uh,
Lucinda's part.

I wanted a Lucinda as a
girl. I can't do it with a guy!

Don't worry, it doesn't matter.

Pretend he's a girl.
Just act, will you?

You're the woman
who makes me sweat

when I'm taking a cold shower.

If only I could take you

to that magical place
called... together.

Oh, baby.

Oh, baby.

Oh, baby.

But you've already got a woman.

She's a kid.

But you're a woman.

The one I long for
from sunset to dawn.

I see your face in the streets.

I...

I touch your skin in my dreams.

I hear your voice
in my lunch hour.

- I... You...
- You're the one I live for.

- ROCKY: What?
- You're the one he lives for!

You're the one I live for.

I remember that moment.

All of a sudden I
broke into song.

♪ Two different worlds ♪

♪ We live in two
different worlds... ♪

Hey, kid, you're terrific.

You got the looks, you got
the talent, you have got...

The part! Say it, now, why
don't we sign right here?

- I have a...
- Hey. Hey.

Is, uh, this the place

where they're doing The
Rocky Manicotti Story?

Oh, no, no, no,
this isn't it, chubby.

Where you want to go is, uh,

you want to go down
the road about ten miles.

It's a big brick wall,
you can't miss it.

Oh, nuts, I went right past it.

Yeah, this is the place, kid.
Let me take a look at you.

Looks a little
flabby to me, Rock.

Ah, he's got a strong
body, fast hands.

On the other hand, Ragusa
brought a tear to Rocky's eye.

Mm-hmm, and you
did call him "baby."

I tell you what. You
both come in tomorrow,

2:00, you'll spar, you'll sing,

and the best one
will get the part.

What a wonderful way to
decide who's the best actor.

I see why they call you
Rocky, you are a rock.

- Squigg...
- What?

This guy is tough.

He just hit me in
the stomach. (sobs)

Don't worry,
Carmine, don't worry.

Looks ain't everything, and
he ain't that tough anyway.

Uh, sluggo, why don't
you come over here?

So, uh... you done much boxing?

What's it to you?

Uh, well, really, I wasn't
that interested, uh...

It was... he wanted, he
wanted to know. I-I didn't.

Carmine...

Carmine, sweetie, you know,

honey, could you
just for a second...?

Carmine, could
you stop it for...?

Carmine, stop
it! Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it!!

- What's the matter, baby?
- "What's the matter, baby?"

Carmine, you have been
running up and down those stairs

for at least three hours now.

You've just got to
stop, you've got to.

You're right, I'll stop running.

Good. Car...
Carmine, don't think

I don't know what
you're trying to do.

You're trying to run
yourself into the ground

so that you won't be able
to make it to the audition

and face up against that
big guy tomorrow. Isn't that it?

Now why would I do that?

Because you're
afraid of failing.

And this way, if you
don't show up tomorrow,

you have an excuse; you can
say you never had your chance.

Admit it, isn't that
right? Aren't I right?

Shirl, I'll admit that all my
life I've been telling myself

I haven't made it 'cause I
haven't had the big chance.

All my life I've been waiting
for the ship to come in.

And now the Queen
Mary's at the dock,

and I'm afraid to get on board.

Oh, Carmine, that's beautiful.

It's from page 86 of the script.

Maybe you're
right, Shirl, though.

You see, for the
first time in my life,

first time in the Big
Ragoo's life, I'm scared.

I don't want to fail again.

Oh, gee, Carmine,
you can't fail.

You go there tomorrow
and you give it your best sh*t.

You, you climb into that ring,
and you say, "It's me, it's me,

Carmine Ragusa, the Big
Ragoo, the best Ragoo there is."

And you've already
won, don't you see?

Whether you get the part or not.

And you know something else?

I'll be real proud of you, too.

Now go home and get
some rest now, okay?


Listen, maybe we
should rest together,

that way you can make
sure I don't get any exercise.

I trust you.

I trust you all by your
lonesome, all rightie?

I'm proud of you,
Carmine. I'm proud of you.

You're the one that makes me
sweat when I take a cold shower.

Shirley Feeney, you're
the woman that I long for,

from sunset to dawn!

You disgust me.

Yep, this is it,
Len. This is it.

The moment of truth.

Pretty soon we'll hear the
roar of a bloodthirsty crowd.

Yeah, yeah.

By the way, uh, where
is that bloodthirsty crowd?

That's them over there.

I ask for a crowd,

and he brings me the road
company of Flower Drum Song.

There were two other girls,
too, but they got arrested.

Hey, there's my boy!

Yeah, there he is,
the Big Ragoo, himself.

Hey, Carmine, yeah.

Come on. Let's get in
the ring. There you go.

There you go, Carmine.
You look great. You look great.

- Terrific.
- Shaved your chest.

Yeah.

I guess mine's
naturally bald, huh?

Yeah, I suppose so.

All right, are we ready?

SQUIGGY: I think so.

Mr. Manicotti, sir, I
just want you to know

that Squignoski Talent
Agency has arranged

a scrumptious buffet

to be served when and
after my client gets the part.

Take a dive and
you got a free lunch.

- I ain't hungry.
- You ain't hungry, huh?

What do you eat, furniture?

All right, give me a bell.

(bell dings)

Thanks to all of you for
coming to watch the audition

of the greatest story ever told:

mine.

Yay!

Yeah, yeah,
beautiful, beautiful.

Come on, fellas.
Now don't forget.

You're here to
make me look good.

No real boxing,
just a little sparring.

And don't use your
throats to sing till I tell you.

Now good luck, and
may the best actor win.

Looking good, Carmine.

All right. This is it,
Carmine. This is it.

What you've been waiting
for, the whole string of wax.

The pot of coal at the end
of the rainbow, the brass bed.

- Are you nervous?
- A little.

Aw, you yellow-bellied chicken.

All right, everybody. Ready?

Lucinda?

And... action!

(bell dings)

Go get him, buddy.

Rocky! Rocky!

You gotta win

so my feeble mother
can get that eye operation!

Don't worry, Lucinda,
he's dead meat!

And don't let him
touch that beautiful face.

He won't lay a glove on me.

LENNY: Ooh, gee!

You done much acting?

Yeah, I played Eliza
Doolittle once in My Fair Lady.

On Broadway?

San Quentin. The warden, he
said I got a really nice mug sh*t.

I like your mug
sh*t, it's kinda nice.

Yeah, you got a nice one,
too, that's a nice profile.

Only thing, I've been

- trying to keep it up all my life.
- (Rhonda gasps)

Hey, come on, fella,
it's just an audition.

Lighten up, will ya?

Maybe for you it is,

but I gotta make all the
points I can right now.

- How come?
- How come?

'Cause I can't sing.

- (Rhonda gasps)
- SQUIGGY: Oh, no.

Hey, Carmine, here's a thought.

Hit him with your
hands, not your face.

It looked like they're

really hitting each
other, Mr. Manicotti.

Shouldn't you stop it?

Hey, toots, let 'em box.

If the guy's gonna play me,
he cannot be a cream puff.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Hey, listen, you're not
supposed to b*at him up

until round 13. Read the script.

- Everybody's a writer.
- RHONDA: Ooh!

Ooh, I love v*olence.
Ooh. (giggles)

(grunts)

(Lenny and Squiggy muttering)

(grunting)

Come on. Hey,
Carmine, one more thing.

Don't let him hit you
when you're not looking.

What? Don't...

- That's what I meant, Carmine.
- (Rhonda shouts)

- Oh...
- Is it over?

Not for me, it ain't.

Hey, kid. Listen, I
got to talk to you.

How would you like to
sign a contract with me?

I'm talking about radio,
TV, film, the works.

We can get the whole
thing done here, no problem.

I'm even thinking of cassettes.
That's gonna come in eventually,

- you know.
- What? (grunts)

- Whoa, Carmine!
- I was just kidding, Carmine. Please.

- Please, he's just a kid.
- Get out of here, Squigg.

- You're a man.
- Women and children first. Get out of here.

Nobody hits the Big
Ragoo and gets away with it.

"Big Ragoo," you sound
like a spaghetti sauce.

Yeah?

Well, you're gonna
look like spaghetti sauce

when I'm finished with you!

Carmine! Attaway, Carmine!

(grunting)

(Lenny chuckling)

(grunting)

(squeals)

Ha-ha!

Lucky punch.

- (grunting)
- (Lenny and Squiggy cheering)

All right. Attaway, Carmine!

(grunts)

(screams) Ooh...

Carmine, come on.
Get up, Carmine.

SQUIGGY: Get
up, you bum! Get up!

LENNY: Come on, Carmine, get up!

All right. Come on.
Come on, boy. Come on.

SQUIGGY: Come on,
Carmine. Come on, Carmine.

- (cheering)
- Attaway!

- (grunts)
- Oh! Oh...

All right! All right! This
is the time, the finale.

Come on, let's
sing. Sing, you two!

- RHONDA: Oh!
- Get up here, Rhonda!

Come on! Into the
big number! Sing!

- Come on, everybody! Let's sing! Lenny?
- (phone rings)

- (Lenny plays note on harmonica)
- (Rhonda hums note)

(sung to "Mona Lisa")
♪ Manicotti, Manicotti ♪

♪ Men have maimed you ♪

♪ My aching head
is black and blue ♪

♪ With bones misplaced ♪

- CARMINE/RHONDA: ♪
We'll get married ♪ -Hold it,

hold it. Stop the music.

We're not gonna do The
Rocky Manicotti Story after all.

What do you mean?

Well, the studio just called.

They decided to make
The Joe Louis Story instead.

Hey, kid,

that was a great fight.
You know, I would've

cast you in the Joe Louis part,

but, uh, you're not
really right for it.

Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Well, why don't we just...

why don't we
just dare tradition?

I mean, who says Joe
Louis has to be black?

So near and yet so close.

So true and yet so true.

Hey, uh, Carmine, be a
good little boxer, will you?

And pick up the tab for
the buffet. Come on, Lenny.

- Let's go home now.
- I think I'm going to cry, Squigg.

Do I get the part?

No, but you get the
secretary. (giggles)

Do you have any more gum?

Yeah, in my car.

Come on, Rhonda. Don't cry.

I thought you were great.

Look, there'll be other
movies. Don't worry.

Rhonda was so looking
forward to stardom.

Look, success is
just around the corner.

The important thing is,
you gave it your best sh*t.

And I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of both of us.

I'm even proud of
Lenny and Squiggy.

Oh, Carmine,

that was beautiful.

Well, a little sappy

but nice.

One sumptuous buffet, $47.50!

Oh, no. Not again!

(Carmine mutters indistinctly)

- Aw, Carmine. Come on, come on.
- (groaning)

Just keep the frozen
waffle on it there.

I think you're supposed
to use meat, Laverne.

Yeah, but that's our
supper, Carmine. I can't.

Oh, you and Rhonda. (chuckles)

What a jerk I am thinking
she'd fool around with you.

You don't think Rhonda
would fall for a guy like me?

Oh, no, no. That's
not what I meant.

I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that.

Okay, well, I'm
squatting here, Carmine.

It's a little uncomfortable.
Get up, would you?

- Here, just...
- Laverne, you think people will laugh at me

'cause I got b*at up
and I didn't get the part?

No, I think they'll laugh at you
'cause you got a Nutty Buddy

on your eye.

I don't like Nutty
Buddys either.

Carmine, would you come on?

- I happen to think you are wonderful.
- Yeah?

Yeah, and you shouldn't be
ashamed of anything you do.

Come here.

- That feel better?
- Aw.

That feels good. (chuckles)

That feels very good.

Yeah, well, to prove
how proud I am of you,

I'm going for the meat.

What was that?

My destiny.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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