07x16 - Whatever Happened to the Class of '56?

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

SHIRLEY: And so, my
fellow Fillmore alumni,

our hearts are full of...

Bus tickets,

- bus tickets.
- Bus...

Please don't interrupt me.

That's the second time now.

I'm trying to finish my
speech for the reunion.

I keep getting interrupted.

Well, why don't you
write it on the bus?

There's 52 hours with
nothing to do but wave at cows.

Because I can't
write it on the bus.

I'll jiggle too much.

Nothing on you jiggles, Shirl.

Ooh. If you can't
write on the bus,

how'd you ever get
your homework done?

In study hall,

a place some people
mistook for the tunnel of love.

I wasn't the only one.

Of course you weren't.

You had half the wood
shop as accomplices.

Yeah, well maybe so,

but I never wanted for
bookends, now, did I?

Never mind these, Shirl, I am
so excited about this weekend.

- We're seeing the old g*ng again.
- This is gonna be fun.

Oh, I can't wait!

I'm gonna take pictures.

Listen, I just want you to be
calm when Rosie Greenbaum

calls you something
like an unmarried bimbo.

- That's all, okay?
- Oh, big Rosie Greenbaum

doesn't bother
me anymore, Shirl.

I'm more mature, I'm wiser,

and if Rosie looks
at me cross-eyed,

I'll grab her by her frizzy
red hair and flatten her,

and then, if she's
still conscious,

I'll just tell her I'm proud
of who I am and what I do.

Ah, good, 'cause I'm
proud of who you are

and most of what you do, too.

Shirl?

What? Well, of course.

You know, it just burns me up,

the way Rosie's always
putting us down, that's all.

Ah, don't worry about it.

That's what's great
about America, Shirl.

There's always
someone lower than us.

BOTH: Terry Buttafuco.

Aw, the poor thing.

I hope she hasn't
gained any more weight.

What would that
put her up to now?

Around 400 pounds.

Ah, gee.

Remember how she used to
beg us to slap her and bite her?

She'd do anything for affection.

I know.

And I, Carmine Ragusa,
do humbly accept this award

for the Fillmore alumnus
who has traveled the furthest.

What does he
mean, Fillmore alumni

that has traveled the furthest?

Excuse us, Carmine,

but you seem to be
accepting our award.

Laverne and I will have
traveled the furtherest.

That's right... I measured.

Your apartment is 30
feet further east than ours.

That puts our apartment
further from Milwaukee.

Come on, give me
a break, will you?

I'm a grown man singing
telegrams for a living.

At least say I'm
living with you, okay?

- Excuse me?
- So we can share the award, Shirl.

- I beg your pardon?
- Come on, Shirl, I don't want

- people to think I'm living by myself.
- I beg your pardon?

Absolutely not.

(indistinct shouting)

Look at you two.

I can't believe it.

You're so worried
about what other people

are gonna think of you.

How do I look?

Uh, maybe Lenny and
Squiggy had the right idea.

Maybe we should
all have stayed home.

Yeah, but how do I look?

Well, I mean, Lenny and Squiggy
didn't even go to graduation.

Why would they want
to go to the reunion?

Yeah, but how do I look?

And-and, Carmine, I-I
want to take this up with you.

I think I look great.

SHIRLEY: Oh, Laverne,
Milwaukee at last.

LAVERNE: Just think, Shirl,
we'll be seeing the old g*ng

in less than an hour.

How do I look?

How do I look, Shirl?

SHIRLEY: How can I tell?

It's so dark.

Maybe we've come
to the wrong place.

LAVERNE: No, the invitation
said come to the gym.

SHIRLEY: It smells like the gym.

ALL: Surprise!

On behalf of the class of '56,

I'd like to welcome
you back to Milwaukee.

Gee, I just don't know...

I don't know what to say.

Our hearts are full...

Oh, yeah, oh, yes, um...

Our hearts are full of you.

I mean, I mean, our hearts...

our hearts are full
of seeing you so full.

Here you go. Just
put these on like this.

- Here, you can give this one to him later.
- Thank you.

Okay everybody, come on.

They'll walk among you
in just a few minutes, okay?

And for those of you
who were worrying,

I got a call.

Carmine will be here soon.

(cheering)

Why, why do you
suppose they all heated up

at the mention of Carmine?

I don't know; I never
thought he was that popular,

but then again, I never
thought we were that popular.

Well, I'm going to find
out just how popular he is

when he gets here.

Shirl, look at this.

"Welcome back,
Laverne and Shirley."

SHIRLEY: Oh, my goodness.

Isn't that something?

(gasping)

Oh, Mike Borassi.

Hi, Mike.

Remember I made out with
him under the bleachers?

Everybody remembers.

It was graduation.

The poor valedictorian thought
all the applause was for him.

Well, it made him
feel good, didn't it?

Oh, I suppose.

Would you like
some refreshments?

We mixed up a special batch
of milk and Pepsi just for you.

Oh!

Oh, gee, that's great.

- Look at this, Shirl.
- Yeah.

This is sweet.

You didn't have to
go to all this trouble.

You know, your
voice sounds familiar,

but I don't remember us liking
anyone that looked like you.

I'm Terry Buttafuco.

(hysterical laughter)

Oh, pshaw!

The Terry Buttafuco we knew

looked like a plow
horse with lipstick.

I never wore lipstick.

Wait. I'll catch her.

The Terry Buttafuco we knew

didn't know the
meaning of the word pain.

Right, go ahead,
take your best sh*t.

(laughs)

Oh, come on, Shirl, it's fun.

(laughter continues)

It's Terry!

Aw, gee.

It's so good to see you
guys. It's so good to see you.

(spitting)

Terry, Terry.

Aw, gee.

Listen, I kind of
promised everybody

you'd walk among them, okay?

I'll catch you later,
but before I go,

- come on, one more, huh?
- Come on. -Go ahead, Shirl.

- I couldn't. I can't.
- She likes it; go ahead.

- I can't do it. I just can't.
- All right, okay, maybe later.

Okay.

- (giggles) She's so much fun.
- Isn't she?

- She's so much fun.
- She's just great.

You got lipstick there.

Boy, she always pushes
us together like that.

I wonder what she meant, uh,

by "nothing compared
to what we've done."

I'll bet you dollars
to doughnuts

they found out we have
a nice one-bedroom

and only pay $82.50 a month.

Yeah, that's it.

Well, let's walk
among them, huh?

Okay.

Thanks.

Todd?

- Peace.
- Love.

Peace, brother.

- Oh. Look at him, huh?
- He changed.

Didn't he change?
I think that's Todd.

Oh, Shirl.

What is it?

It's a whole table of
guys I made out with.

SHIRL: Laverne,

they started a club.

Oh, gee.

Oh, my goodness.

- (gasps)
- What? What is it?

There's Donny DiMatteo.

Hi, Donny.

- Where'd you make out with him?
- Nowhere.

The closest I ever got to
Donny was his cousin Tony.

Nice. You know, Laverne,

somewhere inside you,
there lies a cheap novel.

It's true.

Why, thank you, Shirl.

You're welcome.

Speaking of cheap.

What is it?

Oh, no. Oh...

Look what just washed
in with the low tide.

Now, remember what
you said, Laverne.

- Remember, don't start a fight.
- I didn't do anything.

- I'm not doing anything.
- Don't start a fight now.

DeFazio.

Greenbaum.

It's been more than...
more than a year.

Have I gotten one letter?

One postcard?

One phone call? Nothing.

Laverne, how could
you hurt me this way?

How could you hurt her that way?

Isn't that the sweetest thing

you've ever heard in your li...

(squeals) Oh, my goodness.

What is it?

SHIRLEY: It's Timothy O'Brian.

Oh, we used to touch
pinkies in church.

Excuse me a moment.

Timmy?

Timmy, oh, it's been so long.

Okay, Greenbaum,
what's the trick?

Don't you remember
how this game is played?

You insult me, I insult you,
and then we square off...

Oh, Laverne, Laverne,

you still cr*ck me up.

Okay, Greenbaum, I'll start.

You call that an
excuse for an outfit?

You don't like my outfit?

Well, one piece
at a time is ugly,

but put it all together, and
it's downright nauseating.

Come on, Rosie!

Laverne, Laverne,
you are so right.

When this party is over,
I'm gonna burn these clothes.

DeFazio, my dear old friend,

it is so good to see you again.

(sighs)

Shirl?

Laverne.

- Shirl?
- Laverne.

The strangest
thing just happened.

Timothy...

Timothy just sucked my pinkie.

Don't-don't you...

Don't you find
that a tad strange?

Yeah, well, there's
stranger things

than pinkie sucking
going on here, Shirl.

He's here, he's here, he's here!

(cheering)

Hello!

(cheering continues)

Thank you. Thank you.

Carmine, Carmine,
where have you been?

Now don't you go
blaming Carmine.

It's my fault he's late.

(giggles)

Oh, a lock of his hair.

(screaming)

(hysterical laughter)

Got a lock of his hair, huh?

I hope that's all you got.

Shirl, I got a can
of spray net in here.

You can spray
her right in the face.

Okay, now, Shirl,
I can explain this.

- You see...
- Unless she was asking you

for a ride straight to
the convent, don't bother.

I got a rat-tail brush.

You could tease her teeth.

Shirl, you don't
under... Look, look.

Come here, come here, come here.

Listen, listen, listen,
listen, listen, stop!

- What, what, what, what, what?
- What?

She thinks that I am a
great Las Vegas singer.

Englebert Ragu.

(laughter)

- Englebert Ragu?
- Oh, geez.

Who'd be stupid
enough to believe that?

Probably the same people

who believe that you
two are movie stars.

BOTH: Movie stars?

Yeah, movie stars.

I'm small potatoes
compared to you two.

- Speak English, Carmine.
- Yeah.

You see, Lenny and
Squiggy wrote a letter

saying that they couldn't
come to the reunion

because they were too busy
making deals for me in Las Vegas

and for your next movie.

SHIRLEY: Oh...

CARMINE: They even
gave you boyfriends.

You got Marlon Brando and...

Shirley got Paul Newman.

Oh!

Paul Newman!

- He's gorgeous!
- CARMINE: He's all right.

- Oh, my goodness, Paul Newman.
- Shh, Shirl.

- Laverne, Paul Newman...
- Shirl, Shirl...

they made it up.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Carmine, if this is true,

how come nobody said
anything to us about it, huh?

That's the beauty part of it.

You see, Lenny and
Squiggy wrote in the letter

that we were on vacation

and we didn't want to
talk about our careers.

Oh, well, that's just terrible.

We gotta straighten this
out right now. Let's go.

You're absolutely right.

We can't lie to them.

Wait! Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you...
come here, come here.

- SHIRLEY: What is it?
- CARMINE: We didn't lie.

We didn't lie. Lenny
and Squiggy lied.

We just got caught
in that ugly web

of glamour and
excitement, that's all.

Please jump into that
web with me, come on,

jump into that ugly web.

- Look at those girls.
- Carmine... -Carmine.

They like me, I'm
having a good time.

- Don't do that.
- Carmine! -Carmine!

What's the matter with you?

I never heard you like this.

How could we...

how-how could we
live with ourselves

if we did something like that?

Without writing them a little
note when we got back to L.A.

- explaining the whole...
- That's a good idea.

- That's a good idea.
- Wait just a minute here.

- We write 'em a letter...
- Oh, no. No, you don't.

- Neither one of you.
- Laverne's got a good idea.

Absolutely not. No, no, no.

(talking over each other)

Shirl! She's got a good idea.

I think that's the only
admirable thing to do.

I mean, in the meantime, if
these people want to think

that I'm a great
Las Vegas singer,

I'll just have to live with it.

Laverne, are you crazy?

Weren't you the
person who said to me

we should be proud
of who we are?

We had the guts to
move out to California,

we gotta be proud...

Shirl, I lied.

Now, look...

They're all married.

We're not.

They've got kids.

We don't.

They think we're movie stars.

We're not.

But in some small way,

we could make their
dream come true.

Shirl, go along with me on this

or I'll break your face.

Well, somewhere in there,
there's a good reason.

Good.

Now, I'm gonna let some
of my fans touch me...

starting with the DiMatteo boy.

Oh, Donny, how would
you like to swing on a star?

And just what am I
supposed to do while you...

- just let this man...
- Well, you can...

You can talk to the Eraserheads.

Oh!

Oh, no, no!

Oh, Eraserhead.

Just the last person on Earth

I wanted to see here tonight.

Hello, Shirley Feeney.

Hello, Warren.

How are you?

It's so good to see you.

Well, bye-bye.

And finally, we come to
that point in the evening

when we present the award
for the most successful alumnus.

Uh, it's another tie!

ALL: Laverne DeFazio
and Shirley Feeney!

Here you go.

And that concludes our awards
ceremony for this evening.

Oh, boy, we made a
grand slam, didn't we?

And we deserved
every one of them.

Cutest couple?

We deserved cutest couple?

Listen, I just wanted
to tell all of you

how proud you've made us
Fillmore grads feel tonight.

Huh? How about these three?

Let's hear it for them.

CROWD: Speech...
speech... speech.

Oh, come on.

CROWD: Speech, speech...

Carmine, come on.

No, no, no, you go ahead.

I want to save my voice.

But... (clears throat)

I-I-I really don't think

that we're up to
giving a speech tonight.

How about taking
questions from the floor?

Uh-huh, okay.

Eraserhead?

Do you live on the beach?

No, we live in an apartment.

That's a good answer.

That was a very good answer.

Um...

I see Louisa's hand.

What's on your mind, Louisa?

Well, I know what's on your
mind, but what's your question?

Um, do you sleep in the nude?

None of your business.

Um, I was asking Carmine.

Uh, thank you, and yes.

(women exclaiming)

My dear old friend, DeFazio...

I gotta ask you this question.

What's Marlon
Brando really like?

Well, um...

he's sort of a wild one,

who likes to hang out with

the guys and dolls

down on the waterfront.

Eraserhead?

What's Marlon
Brando really like?

(quietly): This man is...

I'm sorry, uh,

that question has
already been asked.

What was the name
of your last picture?

Uh, that would
have been, the, uh...

- Singing Nun.
- Um, the... Fantastic Voyage.

Well, which one is it?

Oh, you mean the last picture

we did with each other?

- Oh, that one.
- Oh, well, that would have been

- the, uh, Fantastic Nun.
- That was, uh, Nun on a Voyage.

When can we see that picture?

- Uh, Easter.
- Christmastime.

- It's a religious film.
- Holiday movie.

You don't...

you don't even know what
kind of picture you made?

Uh, yeah, it was for uh,
uh, religious holidays.

Yeah, it'll be coming to

your local churches
and synagogues soon.

Oh, yeah?

Well, why don't
you tell us about

your last date with
Marlon Brando, DeFazio?

I went out with
M.B. last weekend.

M.B., that's my
pet name for him.

Now, how could that be?

I read he was making
a movie in Tahiti.

MAN: Yeah.

Well, uh... well...

Oh, Laverne is
being modest here.

You see, uh, M.B. flies in
on the weekends to date her.

Wait a second, I
read in a magazine

that he's afraid to fly.

Oh, yeah, I read
that same article.

That had the picture

- of Sandra Dee...
- Shirl, Shirl,

- you're burying me here...
- Oh.

Uh, that is true,
M.B. is afraid to fly.

Then how could you
be with him, DeFazio?

Oh, M.B.!

I thought you meant M.B.

- Who's M.B.?
- Who's M.B.?

You know, M.B...

M.B.!

- Martin...
- Balsam.

Yes.

- He loves to fly.
- That's right.

In a plane, that is.

He can't really fly,
nobody can really fly

except Superman, and
we haven't met him yet.

Who are you
trying to fool, girls?

Yeah, I may not be the
brightest person in the world,

but you guys are talking
like you got party hats on.

What the heck is
going on here, girls?

- (crowd murmuring)
- I told you, I told you...

- (mumbling)
- Okay.

(laughing dramatically)

Oh, you know, I think I can

straighten this
entire thing out, and...

Oh... (laughing)

(laughing)

See, we're laughing already,

it's such a funny story.

But unfortunately,
I've heard it already,

so I'll just be leaving.

Oh, no, you won't.
Oh, no, you won't.

Oh, what a tangled
web we weave...

(Shirley clears throat)

You see, everybody...

we're not really
stars, none of us.

- CROWD: What?
- SHIRLEY: We're not movie stars,

Carmine doesn't
sing in Las Vegas.

In fact, Laverne and I work at

Bardwell's department
store in Burbank.

- (crowd murmurs)
- You mean you don't

date Marlon Brando?

Uh, no, I don't, but, uh,

we were in a movie with Troy
Donahue and he kissed us both.

Aw, tell it to my sister.

No, really, really.

We played cave women.

Didn't you see it?

Wonga, wonga,
wonga, wonga, wonga...

Who'd believe that?

You guys have lied to us.

But, of course, it figures.

Once a bimbo, always a bimbo!

(talking over each other)

Hey, listen. Hold it, hold it.

It's not their fault.

Are you familiar with
the ugly web theory?

Now, look...

Maybe it's best
if you guys left.

- MAN: Yeah.
- Wha...?

Well, you're just not members

of the Fillmore
class of '56 anymore.

- Oh...
- Oh!

- Terry...
- Oh...

Come on.

- MAN: Come on, get out of here.
- (crowd hissing)

- Do you have our purses?
- CARMINE: Yeah.

Okay, former
classmates and ex-lovers.

You've been asking
us a lot of questions.

Well, I got one
big one to ask you.

Just what would you have
done if you were in our place?

Huh?

Eraserhead...

what if you walked in here

and everyone thought
you were an astronaut?

Huh?

That's what I thought.

And Rosie...

what if everyone thought
you made number one

on Mr. Blackwell's Ten
Best-Dressed Women list, huh?

(laughs)

Lord knows I deserve it.

I think I'm making
my point here, huh?

What do you say?

Not one of you would
have done anything different.

And, well... we
may be nobodies...

but we're the biggest nobodies
this school ever turned out.

Except for Terry,

who's the biggest anything
any school turned out.

That's right. As
a matter of fact,

if anybody should be
mad, it should be us.

I mean, you only treated us nice

'cause you thought
we were big stars.

I find you more
fascinating than ever.

Why, thank you, Louisa,
that's very nice of you.

Yes, he means thank
you, Louisa, and good-bye.

Listen, we didn't come
here trying to be big sh*ts.

We came here because we
wanted to see our old friends.

And we had to
work a lot of overtime

wrapping gifts to do that.

(laughing)

Gift wrappers?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm
just a masseuse.

Everybody's afraid of
going to their reunions

because they're afraid of how
they'll measure up as successes.

When what's really important

is how you measure
up as friends,

as human beings.

(murmuring quietly)

God, that's good.

Is it?

- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.

And Shirl's right.

I mean, some of us haven't
seen each other in ten years.

Who cares about Marlon
Brando and all of that?

What I want to know is...

how many of you thought
Mrs. Fletcher was really a man?

- I did!
- Yeah.

And what I really
want to know is

who's the one that squealed
on me to Mrs. Holzapfel

that I cheated on
the typing final, huh?

ALL: Shirley Feeney!

LAVERNE: You?

I did it for your own good.

LAVERNE: What do
you mean, my own good?

- Well, you need those typing skills...
- For what?!

(shouting over each other)

I've been looking
for you for years!

CARMINE: Okay, now...

this is what a class
reunion's all about.

Play the music,
let's do the show!

Two lines!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪