07x18 - Helmut Weekend

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

SHIRLEY: Laverne,
would you please hurry up?

We're going to Mr. Weaver's
retirement luncheon

and I'd like to make it
there before it's our turn.

Okay, I'm coming.

- Ready.
- Ah! Ah! Ah!

What is it? Is something on me?

Oh, don't turn
around! Oh, please!

Oh, my goodness!

Laverne, we're going to
Mr. Weaver's retirement luncheon

at a cafeteria, not
the Pink Pussycat!

You want to give the
man a heart att*ck?

What are you talking about?

Wear something a little
less revealing than that!

What? I thought the theme

of this luncheon was
"Retirement Fantasy."

What am I supposed to
do, dress as a park bench?

- No, no...
- Okay.

But you could
dress more like me;

I mean subtle beauty
with a delicate feel.

I mean-I mean, you could
dress in a suit like this.

A woman in a suit like this
looks refined, not available.

Well, you know, refined
never works for me, Shirl.

I'm much better
off with available.

- Want some?
- No.

Hello, generous neighbors.

Rhonda's collecting money
for the Home for Unwed Actors.

Care to help a starving actor?

Well, well, well, would
you look at this, huh?

I mean, subtle beauty
with a delicate feel,

yet, so refined.

It's not the same outfit at all.

- It's the exact same outfit.
- It is not. -It is so.

It's not even the same material.

- It's the same color, it's same material.
- No, it isn't.

Rhonda, you've come
at a very bad time, so...

Oh, well, it's never a bad
time to help a starving actor.

Okay, Rhonda, go
into the refrigerator,

take whatever
you want, it's okay.

We're going to a
luncheon. Come on, Shirl.

We don't want to
be late. Come on.

I don't really look like
Rhonda in this outfit, do I?

- Don't worry.
- Thank you.

- Don't worry at all.
- All right, I won't.

- Really, don't worry.
- All right, I won't!

Don't bend over, please?
Just don't bend over. Laverne!

- LENNY: Jump higher.
- SQUIGGY: No.

- Jump higher.
- Little circles. Little circles, Junko.

- Bounce 'em and then jump, okay?
- Yeah. All right, hold on.

Hi-ho! Hi-ho, it's me, Rhonda.

SQUIGGY: Oh...

Oh, hi.

I'm collecting money for
the Home for Unwed Actors.

Oh, uh, we gave at
the office, Rhonda.

Now wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Rhonda, you can help us out,
because you're about to see

the premiere of Squignoski
Talent Agency's latest

and greatest find, Junko
the Juggling Clown.

You'll cry laughing.

Come on, Junko.
Come on out here.

I want you to meet a
pretty lady here, huh? Well?

Well?

- But where's the clown?
- "Where's the clown?"

Ain't you got no imagination?
You got no imagination?

Just picture this man
in-in a, a baggy clown suit

with a rubber nose on his face

and tin cans and carburetors
tied around his neck, huh?

Right, and he does
a little song, too.

- Oh, yeah.
- Show it to her.

♪ I'm Junko the Clown,
I won't let you down ♪

♪ I can juggle anything,
and it won't hit the ground. ♪

Thank you. He says thank you.

- Is that incredible? Is that incredible?
- Yeah. (laughs)

I'll tell you something
even more incredible.

He's opening tomorrow
night at Cowboy Bill's.

Oh, well, um, uh, I think
your clown is very nice.

Very nice. Very nice.

I'm giving you the
comedy find of the decade,

and all you can tell
me is "Very nice"?

You are a cold
woman, Rhonda Lee.

Cold?!

- Me?!
- Yes.

Oh! Hmm!

RHONDA: Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mm!

Tell him how cold I am.

(door slams)

She's the kind of cold
that makes you want

to fall into a warm bed.

Lenny, Lenny, control yourself.

Not in front of
Junko. He's an artiste.

- You're right.
- Don't forget that.

Now, Junko, you got
nothing to worry about.

You're one of ours now.

You belong to Squignoski Talent.

We're gonna take care of you.
No more being pushed around.

(knocking)

Get that, Junko.

You know, I think...

Yeah, yeah, we
got to work with that.

Special delivery for
Mr. Andrew Squiggman.

Uh, thank you very much.
Thank you very much.

Uh, let's see.

Hey, brother!

Boy, those white
people intimidate me.

- Yeah, yeah, me, too.
- They really do.

Let's see. Hey, it's from
a Helmut Squiggman.

Helmut Squiggman!

It's from my dad!

Why am I talking to you?

Why don't you go home
and bone up on your juggling?

Yeah, bone up on your...

See if you can figure out a way

to keep the bowling
balls ablaze, okay?

♪ I'm Junko the clown,
I won't let you down! ♪

Great juggler, but
he can't carry a tune.

No, he certainly can't.

- Well, let's see, it's from my dad.
- You're kidding.

Oh, gosh, I wonder what
he wrote me. Let's see here.

"Meine kleine Volkswagen."

(laughs)

- What's so funny?
- Sorry.

Yeah, that's his
pet name for me,

"Meine kleine Volkswagen."

- What's it mean?
- It's a German phrase.

It means, "my little bug."

"Arriving by bus at
3:00 p.m. on the fifth.

If you can't pick me up,
send a lie-mo." Lie-mo?

Now, who, what English guy do
we know that we could send over...?

- No, that's a limo.
- Oh, a limo. -Yeah.

Limo, oh. "Signed,
your father, Dad."

- Huh.
- Oh...

Hey, you know
today is the fourth.

- Yeah?
- And unless this is February, tomorrow's the fifth.

(gasps) My dad is coming
to see me tomorrow!

Oh, my goodness,

it's been 20 years
since I've seen him!

Gosh, I hope he likes me.

(off-key): ♪ Now
laughing friends deride ♪

♪ Tears I cannot hide ♪

♪ I, of course, reply... ♪

- Here you go, Len.
- Oh, thanks, Carmine.

- Gee, you really helped me here.
- That's the best I could do.

- I hope it's good enough.
- Oh, no, it's fine.

I think I'll probably
get this thing blown up

by the time Squiggy gets
here with his father, huh?

Yeah. Look, uh, Squiggy must be

uh, real lucky to
see his dad, huh?

Eh, yeah, I guess
he's lucky, Carmine.

What does he do for a living?

Look, Carmine, I haven't
got all day to talk to you.

I'm very busy!

Len, Len, Len, Len, Len,
it'd be a whole lot easier

if you took the
cap off the valve.

What, did you go
to college, Carmine?

You think you're so smart.

Hey, Len. Len, Len, Len, Len,

what's Squiggy's
dad really like, huh?

Well...

I'll tell you, Carmine.

He's very charming...
in his own way.

But he has definite
bum-like tendencies.

Yeah? Well, maybe
his dad's changed.

You know, people get
better as they get older.

Well, I, I hope they like
sleeping on flat mushy things

when they get older
'cause I'm out of breath.

Look, old man Squiggman's
just gonna have to be satisfied

to sleep on the floor with
the lint and the fuzzballs.

- Hello!
- Hey, everybody!

It's my dad. My dad, everybody.

Uh, Dad, uh, you know

my best friend and partner,
Lenny Kosnowski, huh?

Yeah, how you
doing, Mr. Squiggman?

Hands off, fruitcake!
I'm not your wife.

(Squiggy laughs)

I'm gonna make him, I'm
gonna make him remember.

I'm gonna make you
remember me now.

I'm gonna make you remember me.

(boyish voice):
Uh, Mr. Squiggman,

can Squiggy come out and play?

You remember me now, huh?

- No.
- Oh, well, it'll come back to you, Pa,

it'll come back to you.

- Does it have to?
- "Does it have to?"

Not if you don't
want it to, Dad.

Anything you want.
Just sit down, huh?

I just came here
to see you, Andy.

Aw, yeah, Pa.

I don't want to be
squeezed like a melon

by a bunch of Hollywood yahoos.

Was he always this friendly?

No, he used to be a
very angry man, Carmine.

I think you'd be better
off as a loner, Andy.

Well, yeah, Dad, I...

Yeah, Mr. Squiggman, what
do you, what do you think

of the place here, huh?

Yeah, Dad, what
do you think, huh?

It's very tasteful here.

Yeah.

Is this the whole place?

Yeah, this is
it, Pa, this is it.

I'll sleep here.

Uh, does he know?

I'll handle this. Uh, no,
Dad, that's Len's bunk, okay?

- He sleeps there.
- You want me to sleep on yours?

Hell, no!

Now you're talking like my kid.

I'll take this. You keep yours.

And he'll sleep over there
with all the lint and fuzzballs.

Sure, that was my plan anyway.

Actually, Dad, it
was my plan, too.

I drew up the plans
and everything.

I-I-I thought you might like it.

Good plan. Hey, let
me take a look at you.

20 years, it's been a long time.

How do I look,
Dad, how do I look?!

Definitely 20 years older.

Ah, been working out,
Dad, been working out!

You look great!
Great! I am proud!

(both laugh)

- Oh-oh, hands off, fruitcake!
- Oh, yeah!

- Hands off.
- Back off!

A wonderful father-and-son
moment is happening here!

- So tell me, Andy...
- Yeah, Dad?

Uh, how's your talent
agency business going, huh?

You making much money?

Well, Dad, what can I tell you?

It's going... not bad, not bad.

Mm. How close
to, to good is that?

Well, uh, gee, uh, well,
I guess I can tell you.

We haven't released it to
the trades yet or anything,

but, uh, we just signed
ourselves a clown.

- Oh, wow.
- A clown, that's right.

- Your own business.
- Mm-hmm.

- Your own clown. -Mm-hmm.

Hey, Dad, I got
some business to do.

I'd love you to see
me do business.

What do you say, huh?

Great. I'd love to see
my little tycoon in action.

(both laugh)

It's good to see you,
Dad! I can't believe it!

Tycoon.

Listen, Lenny, why
don't you wait here

and draw up some
contracts for Junko, huh?

Oh, I don't know how to do that.

Don't whine, just do it.

I wasn't whining.

I don't whine.

You wouldn't know it
to look at this dump,

but in a few short hours,
this place will be transformed

into the birthplace
of Squignoski Talent's

latest and greatest find.

Yeah, kid.

- Uh, Squiggy?
- Yeah?

It's getting to be about time,
you know, to do the show.

It sure is.

And, uh, this clown don't
look like the clown I hired.

Oh, no, no, no.
This clown is my dad.

- Helmut?!
- SQUIGGY: Mm-hmm.

Hey, Helmut, it's
been a long time.

- DeFazio...
- Yeah.

- You're still alive.
- Yeah.

And I'm gonna stay alive
until I collect that ten dollars

you owe me since 1946!

DeFazio, you got it.

Something the matter, Dad?

- How do you like that?
- What?

I left my wallet in...

In your other pants, right?

- Yeah, and they're in Fresno.
- In Fresno, yeah...

Andy, pay the
man for your father

and I'll catch you later.

Oh, sure, Pa, sure.

Uh, uh, oh, here you go.
Here's ten dollars, Mr. DeFazio.

Keep it. I'll wait
until he pays me.

That way I know I'll
be around a long time.

Uh, what do you
say we, uh, sit down

- and have ourselves a seat, huh?
- Sure.

- Oh, there's a booth over there.
- All right. -All right, fine.

(Helmut makes kissing sound)

(Squiggy laughs)

Hey, Dad, you ain't lost your
touch with the ladies, have you?

Ah, I think it's in our blood.

Yeah, it is in our
blood, ain't it? Yeah.

Bet you're a pretty
good operator yourself.

Oh, well, you know, I
get around as they say,

I get around pretty good.

You've come a long
way, Andy, you know that?

Aw, thank you, thank you.

I see a big, big future for
you, for me, for the family.

- For the family, huh, Pa?
- Absolutely. Wouldn't have it

any other way for a son of mine.

- Mm-hmm?
- Come here. -Sure.

- I want to ask you something.
- Go ahead, Pa.

You know that friend of yours,

uh, the kid with all
the hair, uh, Larry?

- Lenny. Lenny.
- Yeah, that's his name, whatever. -Yeah.

Do you really think you
need him as a partner?

Aw, gee, Dad,
he's a good friend,

and-and-and i-it's good to
have him around, you know?

Toothpaste is good
to have around,

but you don't make it a partner.

No, that's true.
Toothpaste would make

- a lousy partner, wouldn't it?
- Yeah.

Why don't you dump
your friend and, uh,

we make it a family thing?

Aw, gee, Dad, I...

I don't know.

Oh, come on.

I can see it now.

Squiggman and Son.

Yeah, that don't look
too bad, does it? Yeah...

Sure, hey.

We'll build a whole
world together,

just the two of us.

You and me.

This'll be a chance for
us to get together again.

Together again, but only
this time forever, huh, Pa?

Forever.

Forever...

forever.

I think I found
ourselves a new client.

It's time to turn on
the Squiggman charm.

Go out and sign her, Dad.

Go out and sign her.

Hey, Lenny, I'm
glad I caught you in.

How are you doing, old pal, huh?

Terrible!

Oh, come on, now...

Oh... well, look at that.

Let's see...

Oh.

I like it. I like it.

- No, look...
- I'm a believer, I like it.

We-we-we-we can't
copy Junko's contract

from our apartment lease.

Why not, why not?

Well, because we're
promising Mr. DeFazio a clown

that comes with a
stove and a refrigerator.

Oh, well... how many
other agents in this town

could make him such a deal, huh?

- Huh?
- No, I... it's no good, it's no good.

Oh, it's no good, oh, come
on, it's a terrific contract.

You did a wonderful job.

You're just trying to make
me feel better, that's all.

Oh, and what's wrong with that?

Trying to make
a friend feel good,

is there a crime
against that now?

- Nah, I guess not.
- Are they gonna put me in jail

for making my best
friend feel good?

I hope not, I hope not.
I hope not, I hope not.

(laughing)

Hey, look, Len, I got
to tell you something.

Don't tell me the one
about the two gorillas

that walk into the bar again...

Ooh, with the
penguins on their head?

(laughing)

Oh, that joke makes
my pants dance.

I can't hear that one right now.

Oh, no. No.

I'm not gonna tell you
that, I'll tell you it later.

I-I-I-I, uh...

I want to talk to
you about my dad.

I want him to be
part of the agency.

What do you mean?

Like "Squig-Squignoski Talent"?

No, no, no.

More like, uh...

Squiggman and Son.

I don't get it.

W-Where's the "Noski?"

Well, it's there.

It's-it's-it's just that
it's silent, that's all.

I mean, um...

you'd be what they call, uh...

how do they put it?

A silent partner.

Yeah, that's you.
A silent partner.

I mean, you'd still be
with us and everything,

but you'd just handle
the, uh, the contracts

and the legal
aspect of the agency.

Oh, gee... I don't, I don't...

I don't know.

- What do you mean?
- Well...

I mean, I...

I don't know.

I don't think silent
sounds that good to me.

Well...

I don't know how good it
sounds to me, either, but...

Hey, look, Len...

I mean...

this is a chance for
my dad and me to...

well, to finally do
something together.

I mean, I-I don't
know, but it...

it might just be
our only chance.

Don't let me blow it.

Please?

Yeah, okay.

FRANK: Ladies and gentlemen,

Cowboy Bill's is
proud to present

Junko the Juggling Clown!

Oh, boy!

Yeah!

Isn't that... something?

We'll continue to take orders

during the show

and after the show.

Just shout out your orders!

- (carnival music plays)
- Junko the Juggling Clown.

- Wow.
- Junko the Juggling Clown.

How 'bout that?
Isn't that something?

Hey. Hey, Squigg?

I got to talk to you
about your old man.

Sure, sure, go ahead.

Well, he had a talk

with Junko earlier
this afternoon...

Aha, checking up
on a client, huh?

What a businessman he is.

Well, no, not exactly.

He borrowed $200 from Junko

and said the agency would
pay him back next week.

Do you mean to say that

Squignoski owes Junko $200?

- No.
- Oh, that's okay.

Squiggman and Son
owes Junko $200.

I'm just a silent partner.

♪♪

Where, uh...

where's my dad now?

I don't know.

Think I do.

Oh, you're gonna
miss the plates.

He's doing the plates!

(chuckles)

He... that's part
of the act, folks.

(laughing)

Hi, Dad.

Uh, hi, son.

Uh, we were just...

(giggles)

I heard about... about the $200.

Oh, uh...

Honey, you want to wait
outside for a couple of minutes?

(giggles)

Just dancin'...

So, you heard
about the money, eh?

What's with the suitcase, Pa?

Are you planning on leaving?

No, uh...

I was just going away for
a couple of days with my...

I mean, with our new client.

Come on, Dad, that dumb
blonde ain't no client of ours.

Andy, you're my son.

Now, would I lie to you?

Well, I don't know, would you?

Of course not.

We're family.

Remember what I used to call
you when you were a little kid?

Meine kleine Volkswagen.

Now how could a
father lie to a son

with a cute nickname like that?

Hey, come on, Dad,

you know what you
was planning to do.

You was gonna leave
with that dumb blonde

a-a-and take Junko's
money with you

and stick me with the
bill and never come back.

So, we'll split it 50-50.

No, we won't split it 50-50!

Don't you understand, Dad?

It ain't our money,
it's his money!

It's Junko's money!

You're a thief, Dad.

I mean, it took me 20
years to find that out,

but it's true, you're a thief.

You keep talking big
about the family this,

the family that, but you
don't know what a family is.

Look, don't get high
and mighty with me.

Now, you're my son
and you'll do what I say.

No, I won't.

Not no more.

I ain't gonna let you leave

until you give me
back that money, okay?

(mocking): You ain't
gonna let me leave

until I give you back
the money, okay?

You know I could
break you in half?

Oh, I know that real good, Dad.

You already have.

I mean...

are you willing to...

blow a beautiful relationship

for a lousy $200?

Why not?

You already have.

You blew my relationship
with me and Lenny, too.

And as for you and me,
we ain't goin' nowhere.

So what have I got to lose, huh?

All right.

Forget it.

There's the $200.

And you can forget... forget
about me being your father.

That won't be hard, Dad.

I've got nothing to live on.

No son...

no money...

no family...

no money...

And that's the truth, Andy.

Come on, Dad, you
got to have something.

No.

I ain't got nothin'.

But that's all right.

I'll live.

Well, wait a minute.

I could give you 50 bucks, Pa.

Make it a hundred.

Life is so tough out there.

Why don't we
make it... $200, huh?

Then we'll be right
back where we started.

What do you say, Dad, huh?

Now you're talking like my kid.

Ah, now you're
talking like a con man,

'cause that's what you are, Dad.

Just nothing but
a cheap con man.

You don't call your
father a con man.

Now, I raised you and I
deserve some respect!

You raised me?

You left me when I
was nine years old, Dad.

Now you're gonna leave
me when I'm 29, huh?

Why don't you just say the
same old stuff to me, huh?

"So long, Volks."

"Later for you, Volkswagen."

"Good-bye, Bug."

Andy...

(door closes)

Wow.

That was a very
tough thing you just did.

Yeah.

Whoop-de-do.

I'm tough, ain't I, huh?

I'm real tough, huh?

And it's finally over

between me and him, huh?

Well, look, I think it
was over a long time ago.

Maybe so, maybe so.

Hey, look... I mean,
Carmine says, uh...

that people get better when
they get older, you know?

I even remember hearing
that Genghis Khan...

When he got older, and
you know, a bit more mellow...

He had his mother's
head put back on.

- You're kidding.
- No, it's possible.

Y-Your old man could get nice.

Come on, Lenny.

Let's face it, you're just
fooling yourself about him,

just the way I fooled
myself about him.

Well, all right.

Then look at it this
way, then, okay?

Your old man's no good.

Hey, wait a minute, that's
my father you're talking about.

Okay, sorry.

Uh, okay, your grandfather.

I mean, he was a
bootlegger, right?

Uh, his father was a-a...

- He was a pirate.
- Yeah.

Pirate. Yeah.

I mean, it's amazing

that you came out
as good as you did.

You're-you're the
pick of the litterbox.

Well, yeah, but...

I mean... well,
what do I do now?

Well, you know, I was
gonna form my own agency,

you know, The Kosnowski Group.

- Sounds good.
- But...

I think maybe we just
might as well merge.

You know, become
Squignoski once again.

You mean you'd do that for me?

Well, yeah, you...

Look, you didn't do
nothing, it was... you know.

You know, sometimes I think

there's greatness in
you, Leonard Kosnowski.

(laughs)

No, I ain't kidding,
I ain't kidding.

I mean, we can merge,

but let's not call it
Squignoski. Let's...

let's call it...

Nowsquigski.

You really want to call it that?

- Naw...
- Naw...

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪