07x22 - Perfidy in Blue

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Carmine, I have combed
every inch of this apartment,

and I can't find it.

The only thing I
found is a grapefruit.

I think.

What am I gonna do, Carmine?

That blue purse is
Laverne's favorite!

She'll k*ll me if she
finds out I lost it!

No, no.

No, I already called the
restaurant where we had dinner.

Yeah. They're out of business.

Well, honey, I don't know.

The health department
works fast these days.

No, Carmine, I'm not
gonna lie to her. No.

I'm gonna tell the-the
truth about the situation

in southeast Asia, yeah.

I think that-that, it's, it,

it's gonna get bad, very
bad. I predict trouble.

All right, well, sweetie,
I'll-I'll talk to you later.

Okay, bye-bye.

Did Eddie honk for me?

No, not yet.

Oh. Hey, Shirl, have you
seen my favorite blue purse?

You-You have a blue purse?

You know, the one with the
gold snake going around it

with the head on it
that's exactly the same

as Eddie Rizzeli's tattoo.

He said he wouldn't
show me his snake

if I didn't show him my purse.

No, uh, you know, I
don't-I don't remember

ever seeing that purse.

What are you talking about?

You asked to borrow
it the other night,

and I said "Forget it."
That one, you know?

Oh, yes, and that's
what I did, forget it.

Not the purse, borrowing. You
know because I was thinking,

Laverne, borrowing
is wrong, you know?

If you think about it, it's
just, it's just terribly wrong.

It's awful, as a matter of fact.

It's bad, it's wrong, it's
awfully wrong, awfully wrong,

don't you think? Awfully wrong.

You're acting awfully
strange, Shirl, awfully strange.

(car horn beeps)

Oh, that must be your
lie. I mean, your purse.

I mean, your date. Come on.
Hurry, hurry. Run along, go.

Hurry, you don't want
to miss it. Go, go on.

Well, I need a purse...

Well, it's not my
fault, Laverne!

I'll just take this
one then, Shirl.

I don't think you
should go out tonight.

I think you should stay home

and breathe into a
paper bag or something.

She knows I'm
lying. She knows it.

She's gonna m*rder
me. That's her plan.

Go out, have dinner,

see a movie, come
home, m*rder me.

Oh, what am I gonna do?!

I'm so nervous about that purse.

Just got to get hold of myself.

Just, just got to try and relax.

I'll watch a little television,
that always relaxes me.

Take my mind off of things.

And then, when
Laverne comes home...

I'll just tell her the truth.

NARRATOR: And what
was the shocking truth

at Twin Kitchens?

The entire Baublenik family
was about to get tangled

in a web of lies.

Lies that would wind their
way down a path paved with sin,

deception and m*rder.

I knew it!

I knew it! It's an omen!

She is, she's gonna k*ll me!

She's gonna m*rder me. Oh...

NARRATOR: It all began
at a dinner being hosted

by billionaire Fritz Baublenik.

Fritz Baublenik defied the
odds and turned a six-table

house of flapjacks into
a vast corporate empire.

Arriving fashionably late
were the guests of honor:

Sqven and Sharlene Baublenik,

the son and daughter-in-law
of billionaire Fritz,

who were celebrating their fifth

and deliriously happy
wedding anniversary.

I'm so happy!

I'm so happy you're so happy.

I'm so happy you're
so happy I'm so happy.

That makes four of us.

NARRATOR: What an idiot.

Listen, if you sit down,
then I'll be happy!

SHARLENE AND SQVEN: Oh!

Sit down. Sit down.

Oh, thank you, darling.

NARRATOR: Joining them
for soup and celebration,

Lu Anne Del Duit...

Sqven's very
personal secretary...

with a very personal
interest in Sqven.

Then, there was
Leonardo Da Chevy...

The car was dirty.

And so I bought a new one.

The family's loyal,
if clumsy, chauffeur.

I'll get that.

Thank you, missy.

Rounding out this joyous
unit is Rhoda the maid,

Fritz's favorite handyperson.

Oh!

Would anyone care for a
nice, young Beaujolais, eh?

Later. Right now
I'd like some wine.

- I'd like to make a toast.
- A toast.

To the happy couple.

May they share many
more years of wedded bliss.

And may a tuna
boat dock on her face.

Why, thank you, Lu Anne.

You're welcome.

- That was ever so sweet.
- Yes.

Okay. I think the lovebirds

need a little time
to themselves.

Ooh!

No, no, no, no, no, I
mean, Sqven and Sharlene.

Anybody else get lost!

You come with me.

I want to show you
where you forgot to dust.

Oh, my darling, I've never
known such happiness.

Have you ever known
such happiness?

Only once, my dear.

And that was in an
airport in Tacoma.

I think I'll go upstairs
and relive that moment.

I'll join you soon, my love.

I'll join you later, my love.

- Ta-ta, my darling.
- Ta-ta, my dearest.

(laughs)

How did I ever end up
with a doorknob like that?

I'm so unhappy!

BOTH: Mmm-mmm.

- Ooh!
- Mmm...!

Oh, Leonardo, I
can't go on like this.

I can't go on like this under
Sqven's ever watchful eye.

Then how about under the piano?

BOTH: Mmm-mmm...

Mmm... mm!

- Leonardo...
- Oh...!

I know a way that we
can live happily ever after.

Yes!

- The only way, Leonardo...
- Yes.

That we can live
happily ever after...

Yes!

Is for me...

to die.

Don't you think a
divorce would be easier?

Oh, no.

Sqven would never
agree to a divorce.

Why, a divorce would smear
the good name of... Baublenik.

Although it's not
really a good name

when you think about it, is it?

It's more of an unusual name.

But Sqven does have his
honor, although I suspect

he's been sharing it with that
hussy secretary of his, Lu Anne.

Sharlene, don't you feel that
passing away would put a crimp

in our relationship?

(laughs)

(coughs)

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Oh, don't be silly,
my little jelly bean.

Sharlene isn't
really going to die.

She's going to Carlisle, the
pharmacist at dr*gs-Rx-Us,

and have him give her
something that will put her to sleep

for two, three days tops.

(mouthing)

- Oh... Leonardo...
- Yes?

I want you to remember to
bury me with all my jewelry

so we'll have something
to live on when we're poor.

Ah.

Oh, Leonardo, I've never
known such happiness.

Have you ever known
such happiness?

Just once, in a bus
station in Tacoma.

I remember it well.

Shall we go, and relive it?

Leonardo?

(crashing sounds)

Leonardo?

Oh, darling?

- Dear!
- Oh, darling! -Dear!

- Oh, darling.
- Dear.

- Oh, darling. -Dear.

Oh, darling dear.

Oh, alone at last.

What are you talking
about? I'm here.

- Yes, yes, Sqven.
- Yes?

I just overheard something
that I think I should tell you

while you're standing
on your own two feet.

Okay.

I just overheard your
wife planning to run off

with your chauffeur.

Oh, no! Oh, no,
this is terrible!

Good chauffeurs
are so hard to find.

I'll drive you anywhere
you want to go.

Will you, dear?

You understand me,
darling, you really do.

BOTH: Mmm...

I love you.

Yes, my little sugar tart,
but first, we need a plan.

I can't come up with a thing.

I have an idea for a plan,

but I'm not sure
I could pull it off.

Oh, yes, you could, yes,
you could, yes, you could.

The only thing I
am sure about is...

NARRATOR: What evil
lurks behind Lu Anne's lips?

I came to pick up the
Sharlene Baublenik order.

Oh, yes. The Baublenik
order, yes, yes.

Oh, uh, I've already
had that delivered.

You did?

Yes, uh, she wanted
Dose 'O Coma.

Just two drops in
your favorite beverage,

and enjoy yourself a
safe and restful coma.

Yes, well, there's been
a slight change of plans.

Uh, she wants me to pick up...

something that will make
her coma more permanent.

No problem.

Just bring her our new improved

Dose 'O Coma with
hexachlorophene.

Yes, it's a stronger,
more effective knockout.

And it fights cavities.

Why, you're right.

The Dose 'O Coma group
came up with 27% fewer cavities.

So you mean if I...

I mean, if she wants
to change her account

to the big pharmacy
in the sky...

all she has to do
is add four drops

to her favorite beverage?

Or 12 drops to her
favorite hair spray.

And I might add we're having
a special on it this week.

Two for the price of one.

Excuse me. There's
Coach Jenkins.

He's looking for a shampoo
to help his problem dandruff.

I only wish he would ask me.

Oh, who cares about him
anyway? He's got a losing team.

My, my, my, my, my,

we're getting a little
touchy these days.

I'm sorry.

It's my coffee.

The doctor says

that too much caffeine
makes me tense and irritable.

I don't know.

They can put a dog in space.

You think they
could make a coffee

that doesn't keep
you up at night.

- Oh, Leonardo.
- Oh, God!

Now remember, when I die,

try and act upset.

You... you're going to die?!

The plan, Leonardo,
remember the plan?

Yes, I know the plan.

I was just rehearsing
my grief, my darling.

Well, Lu Anne, you certainly
are dressed to k*ll tonight.

Yes, aren't I?

And may I say, those are
the most unusual earrings

I've ever seen?

How very you.

I used to have a
purse just like that.

How very me also.

I'll drink to that.

Oh, wait. Let me
freshen your drink.

No, that won't be necessary.

Yes, it will.

(earring rasps)

One... two...

three... four...

watch the lady hit the floor.

Your drink?

Thank you.

(earrings rasping)

I've done it! I've done it!

I've finally gotten rid of
the ink taste in the pancakes

by using a blueberry ribbon.

NARRATOR: I told
you he was an idiot.

Well, I think
I'll drink to that.

To the greatest
moment of my life.

- Look!
- Bleah!

Sqven's here.

Well, Sqven is always here.

Sqven lives here, Lu Anne.

Yes, but still it's
nice he showed up.

Why don't I get a drink
for Sqven and you?

BOTH: One... two...

three... four...

soon Sharlene will be no more.

Yeah, love those rhymes.

Your drink again.

Thank you.

Could you excuse Leonardo
and myself for one moment?

I need to speak to him
about motor mountings.

But, missy, I'm
merely your driver.

I know nothing
about motor mounts.

- I'll drink to that!
- So will I!

- To motor mounts.
- To motor mounts.

(gasps) My heart!

There'll be one less for
dinner tonight, Rhoda!

(voice breaks): Oh, Sharlene...

my pure, sweet, once
beautiful, now dead wife.

(blows nose loudly)

Oh... to see you lying
there not moving...

reminds me of our honeymoon.

(Sqven speaks indistinctly)

Sqven, quit kissing
up. She's dead.

- Ah.
- Kiss up to me.

(both moaning loudly)

(moaning rhythmically)

- Oh!
- Oh! Whoa!

I love it when you're rough.

So do I.

Remember when you danced
on my back with your golf shoes?

Oh, yes!

What do you say
we tee off again, huh?

But better not get
stuck in the sand trap.

I'll bring my putter.

(Lu Anne, Sqven moaning)

(Sqven moaning)

It's all gotten dark!
It's all gotten dark!

Ooh, ooh!

Ooh, excuse us.

We were just passing through.

What can you say about
Sharlene Baublenik?

Oh! Me, me! I know! I know!

Yes?

She's dead.

ALL: Good answer! Good answer!

FRITZ: Wow! It's wonderful.

Amen.

Oh! We go now and play
Attila the Hun and the sl*ve girl?

(giggles)

- Later, later.
- Oh.

First we have to
pay our last respects.

Oh.

You give this to St. Peter
and tell him where you got it,

and he'll give you the
best seat on cloud nine.

Good-bye, missy.

I enjoyed driving you around.

I only wish I could
have done more for you.

You can.

You can get my money back
from Carlisle the pharmacist.

This stuff couldn't put
Rip van Winkle to sleep.

- No, I'm talking in my sleep.
- I was...

Listen to me, Leonardo.
Gas up the Edsel,

and we're gonna blow
this jerkwater town.

But I've already put
gas in the Cadillac.

Well, suck it out of the
Caddy and put it in the Edsel!

- But, dear...
- Leonardo,

I have d*ed for you.

The least you can do is
suck a little gas for me.

Yes, missy.

Oh...

my little swan song.

Now that you're dead,

I guess I might
as well tell you.

Through our wonderful marriage,

I was only unfaithful
to you once...

a week for five years.

Why, Sharlene...

don't you look lovely.

Oh, look, your ring
came right off your finger.

Well, I guess you won't
be needing this either.

Oh, but that piece would
look much better on this piece.

No! No, no, no. Mine!

- That is mine.
- Mine! -Mine! -Mine! -Mine!

FRITZ: Stop the funeral!

Hold everything!

Oh, okay.

You said, "Hold everything."

Well, I can't hold my
tongue any longer.

Is that why he talks like that?

Baublenik family
has been living a lie.

(gasps) You know they-they know

that we are seeing each other?

Not that.

You mean you know
about me and Lu Anne?

Not that.

You mean you know
I poisoned Sharlene?

- You what?
- I guess not.

You mean you know I'm not dead?

(all gasp)

Oh, no, oh, no!

Oh, it's good to see you
up and around again, darling.

You're all talking
about the wrong lie!

The big Baublenik lie is...

you are all my children.

(all gasp)

RHODA: Oh, Papa!

Oh! Papa!

You mean to say
that we've all...?

With each other?

- Yeah.
- More than once?

Sure.

Hey, lighten up, sisters.

We had a good time.

My own sister tried to k*ll me.

Oh, come on.

Sisters are always doing
little petty things to each other.

Oh, really? And what
did I ever do to you?

You stole my blue purse.

ALL: You stole her blue purse.

You stole her blue purse.

You stole her blue purse.

You stole her blue purse.

I stole your blue purse.
I stole your blue purse.

I stole your blue purse.

I stole your blue purse.
I stole your blue purse.

- (turns off TV)
- I know.

I stole your blue purse.

- I know.
- I stole...

Oh, Laverne, you're home.

Hi

Oh, and you found
your blue purse.

Where did you find it?

Well, uh, Eddie and I were
on the couch sitting and talking,

and, uh, I don't know
how, I sort of rolled off

onto the floor,
and, uh, there it was

staring at me from
under the couch.

Oh, really?

Why didn't you just
tell me you borrowed it?

Oh, I didn't borrow it. Why
do you think I borrowed it?

Shirl, it's got your lucky Bible
and your figure enhancers in it.

Okay, all right, I
lied about the purse.

I'm so sorry, Laverne.

Oh, please forgive me.
I did a despicable thing.

I swear to you, I will
never borrow anything

without your permission again.

Oh, please forgive
me, Laverne, please.

I'm so sorry I
lied, I'm so sorry.

Shirl, Shirl,
Shirl, Shirl, Shirl!

Please don't apologize to me.

Every time you do, you make
me feel like I did something wrong.

- It's okay.
- We all know it's not okay.

Yeah, it's okay!

No, because
borrowing leads to lying,

and lying leads to poisoning,
and poisoning leads to m*rder!

You know, Shirl, sometimes
you are such a baublenik.

What was that? What
was that you called me?

A baublenik, you know,
an airhead, a silly person.

Have you been eavesdropping
on my dreams? Have you?

Did you come upstairs and
listen to me while I slept?

Laverne, did you...?

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪