08x02 - Window on Main Street

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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08x02 - Window on Main Street

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

This way, ladies.

This store window will
be your home next week.

What do you think?

Where's the rest of it?

There is no "rest
of it," Miss DeFazio.

LAVERNE: Oh, wait a minute.

Do you mean to tell me

that I got to cook
and eat and wash

and do all the other
things I normally do

in this one small room?

A good grasp of the concept.

You see, this home was designed

for the population
density of the year 2000.

See ya then.

No, you don't...

And we think it's lovely,
Mr. Hildebrand, just lovely.

And so much easier to keep clean

than that old-fashioned
spacious apartment of ours.

A good selling
point, Miss Feeney.

- Meeney.
- What did you call me?

No. She's married now.

She's Mrs. Shirley Meeney.

So she is.

Did I send a gift?

No.

Good.

(bell dings)

Oh, excuse me. That's my bell.

You just look around,
and I'll be back

to answer any
questions you have.

All right, Mr. Hildebrand.
Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

I have a question, Shirl:

What kind of idiots would
want to spend a week

living in a store window?

What kind of idiots?

The kind of idiots that want
to keep their job, Laverne.

You heard what he told us
when he ordered us to volunteer.

"It's either in the
window, or out the door."

- Yeah, well, I'll take out the door.
- Ooh.

You know I can't spend a lot
of time in small places, Shirl.

Laverne... Laverne, we
talked about this so many times.

Laverne, claustrophobia
is merely a state of mind.

Shirl, I need room, I need air,

I need... him.

(man whistles)

(mouthing)

(mouthing)

We've only been
here five minutes,

and already we've made a
nice little friend, haven't we?

SHIRLEY: Laverne...

Laverne, you are going
to steam up that window.

Laverne...

- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- SHIRLEY: no, no, no, no!

LAVERNE: no, no!

I don't want to see any
smudges on the window.

And that's just what Laverne
was looking for, Mr. Hildebrand.

- Smudges.
- Smudges...

And by golly, if she
hasn't found three there.

Let's just get those
off right now, shall we?

- Shirl, Shirl, you got...
- There we go.

You're hitting me here, Shirl.

Okay, we... we got
it. I'm sorry. There...

Fix it up with some
Windex later on.

- Yeah.
- Ah.

Excuse me, but could you
just give me a little room?

- I'm sorry.
- Hey.

So, I trust you
found everything.

- Uh...
- Bedroom...

Oh, I ain't sleeping on that.

- Well, it's...
- Guest room...

- I got the bedroom...
- Wait a second.

- I got the bedroom!
- No, no, that's fine.

And a space-age
electronic kitchen.

(beeping and trilling)

- Huh.
- Ooh!

Excuse me, sir,

but are they gonna be
drinking beer in the future?

Of course.

And where's the bathroom?

- Don't...
- If you gotta go,

they're gonna have...

The facilities.

A marvel of modern plumbing.

(bell dings three times)

Oh, my, my, there's
my bell again.

An executive's
work is never done.

Ain't that the truth.

Now, you girls have
a nice weekend.

You start living in the
window on Monday.

Yes, sir, and we'll be here

bright and early,
Mr. Hildebrand... sir.

I can't go in there.

Oh, come on, Laverne.

I'm sure it just takes a little
getting used to, that's all.

- We don't want to...
- Then you get used to it.

I'm gonna go get the key.

Oh, you don't need a
key for this. All you do is...

No, but you need a key for
the gas station across the street.

Oh, Laverne, please.

Oh, you-you know,
public restrooms...

Their terrible toilet paper
always gets stuck of your feet.

LAVERNE: I can't, Shirl.

You saw how I felt after
five minutes in that window.

How do you think I'm
gonna last a week?

No, Laverne. We'll get fired.

You can't do this!

Don't you remember
in high school?

Don't you remember how I
had nightmares for months

after Vinnie Augetelli locked
me in his locker overnight?

- Yeah...
- LAVERNE: Huh? Remember that?

- Yes, I remember.
- LAVERNE: Okay.

But you were upside
down, Laverne.

I mean... anybody would
become a little irritable.

- (knocking on door)
- RHONDA: Hi-ho!

- It's Rhonda.
- No.

- Yeah.
- Hi-ho. Hi-ho.

Why doesn't she
ever say "Ho, ho,"

and bring us presents?

- Hi-ho!
- Oh.

Babes...

the b*at goes on, and
so does Rhonda's career.

Are you ready
for a big surprise?

Your roots grew in.

No, silly.

Rhonda's in a new musical revue,

Bono Mania: a Salute
to Sonny and Cher.

- Oh, Shirley.
- (screaming) -Oh!

Here's a ticket
for opening night.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Oh, Rhonda, thank you
so m... Oh, my goodness!

Front row seats!

Well, that's the
only row there is.

We can seat...
up to four people.

Six if the band doesn't show.

Well, I-I think I'm
gonna have to wait

until you go to
Broadway, Rhonda.

That room sounds a
little too cozy for me.

Oh, we're both Bono maniacs,
especially Laverne here,

but I think we're
gonna have to pass.

You see, Laverne suffers
from claustrophobia.

That's a problem
in the mind, isn't it?

SHIRLEY: Uh-huh.

I once had a problem
in my mind, but...

Rhonda went to see a hypnotist

because she felt guilty about
dating so many married men.

Oh, good for you,
Rhonda. Good for you.

So now you don't date
married men anymore?

Oh, of course I do, but
now I don't feel guilty.

You know, Laverne, I'll bet
my hypnotist could help you.

Yeah, well, thanks a
lot, Rhonda, but no, no.

Wait just a minute here.

That's a fabulous idea.
Thank you, Rhonda.

Oh, Laverne, think about it.

Think about it.

Laverne, a whole new
life awaits you out there.

We could live in
the store window!

(flatly): Whoopee.

We could go to the theater.

I'll pass.

You could make out in the
back seat of a Volkswagen.

I'll try it.

LAVERNE: Shirl, I don't know

about this whole doctor
business, you know?

Would you just relax?

Here, have a party sandwich.

Peanut butter and sauerkraut.

Oh, hey, Shirl.

You eat the oddest
concoctions, you know that?

Maybe you are the one
who should see the doctor.

- (banging)
- Really? You think so?

Maybe I should.

I haven't been feeling
none too well lately.

Carmine, what are you doing?

Shirley asked me
to fix the doorbell.

I thought my father
fixed it yesterday.

That's why I'm here today.

Listen to this.

(harsh buzzing)

Aw, gee, you got
a point there. Okay.

(sniffing)

Don't tell me! Is
that peanut butter

and sauerkraut
sandwiches I smell?

It certainly is...
On raisin bread.

Oh, look at this,
Laverne, pointy triangles.

- Oh, yeah.
- What a woman.

I tell ya, that
Walter's a lucky man.

Oh, thank you,
Carmine, thank you.

Maybe I'm missing something.

Whoa, these
sandwiches are going fast.

I'm gonna go drain
some more sauerkraut.

(doorbell buzzes)

(buzzing continues)

I'll get that!

Yeah, would you get it?

It's just me. I
almost got it licked.

No problem.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, it works, Carmine.

(doorbell rings)

You got it, Carmine!

(doorbell rings)

Carmine, it's fixed!

(continued ringing)

What's this guy...?

Carmine, you keep
ringing that bell,

I said I'm gonna punch
you right in the nose!

As soon as I cure
your claustrophobia,

I'm gonna work
on your hostility.

I'm sorry. There was
someone fixing the doorbell.

I'm Dr. Dawson, the hypnotist.

Oh, hi. I'm Laverne
DeFazio, the claustrophobic.

And this here is
Mrs. Shirley Meeney.

- Hello, Mrs. Meeney.
- How do you do, Dr. Dawson.

- She was just leaving.
- No, I'm not.

- No, I'm not going to leave!
- Oh, please, Shirl!

No! Can I stay, Doctor, if I
promise not to bother anyone?

Well, it's all right with me.

And she won't remember
whether you were here or not.

You hear that? You hear that?

Okay, I'll bring a chair here.

Sit over there, then.
Keep out of the way.

I promise I'll stay out of your
way; I won't bother you at all.

Is this gonna hurt?

Oh, not at all, Laverne.

You just sit down and
relax and stare at this wheel.

Oh, Doc, I don't think this
is gonna work, you know?

Now, you just relax.

You are getting more
and more relaxed.

You are getting more
and more relaxed.

You are so relaxed that
you're ear is beginning to itch.

You feel you must scratch it.

You...

You are relaxed and
scratching your ear.

(Shirley making
throaty gurgling sound)

Now the itching stops.

You are totally in my power.

When you hear the
first sound of a bell,

you will recall all
of my suggestions.

At the second sound of a bell,

you will forget everything
that has happened here.

Uh, excuse me.

Hey, uh, Doc, did you,
uh, did you figure out

why Laverne's afraid
to be in the window?

Well, in plain English,
she's a chicken.

(doorbell rings)

(both clucking)

Could-could you keep
the noise down, please?

Sorry, Doc, I was just giving it
the old Ragusa touch. (chuckles)

(doorbell rings)

(both stop clucking)

DR. DAWSON: Okay, thank you.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes.

You will no longer be
afraid of small places.

You are completely cured
of your claustrophobia.

When I count to three
and snap my fingers,

you will awaken refreshed

and with with no conscious
memory of what happened here.

One, two, and three.

I'm telling you, it's
not gonna work, Doc.

It already has. We're all done.

Get out of here.

I didn't feel nothin'.

- Do you want to test it?
- Yeah.

- Where's your closet?
- Over there.

Come on, step in here, Laverne.

How are you, Laverne?

(muffled): Fine. How are you?

(Dr. Dawson chuckles)

See? You're cured.

- Oh! Oh, my God!
- That's wonderful!

- Oh, Doc, I could live in there!
- That's fabulous!

- Oh, gee.
- Hey, thanks a lot, Doc.

That's all right. Now, if you
begin to feel claustrophobic,

you just ring this
bell, and you'll recall

all the suggestions
I've made to you.

When the feeling passes,

- ring it again.
- Okay.

Ah, wouldn't you like to
stay for a little dessert?

No, I better not.

My wife and I
have theater tickets.

- We're gonna see Bono Mania.
- Bono Mania.

Hey, hey, this Bono
Mania must be turning out

- to be a big thing.
- It must be.

Now that you're cured,
maybe we ought to go...

Hey, girls! I fixed it.

Doorbell's fixed... listen.

- LAVERNE: Okay.
- SHIRLEY: Anyway...

- (doorbell rings)
- (Laverne & Shirley clucking)

(doorbell rings)

Maybe we could go tonight.

Maybe there's still a show...

Yeah, well, um...

(whistling, humming quietly)

Ow!

Ooh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What took you so long?

Oh, Dr. Martin wanted
to take a few tests.

You know, he got a
needle out this long and he...

Please don't tell me
about that, please, please.

I'll never understand this
great fear of doctors you have.

You know, Laverne,
these are men of science.

These are men who-who
make miracles happen every day.

There-there's not a disease
on Earth that they cannot cure.

Yeah, so, what's
the matter with you?

He hasn't got a clue.


He has to wait
for my test results

to come back.

Well, let me warn you
about something, Shirl.

The clothes of the
present have a hard time

fitting into the
closets of the future.

Hey.

(machine whirring, grinding)

(machine whirring, grinding)

Shirl, there's something the
matter with this light switch.

Listen, it makes that noise.
The light doesn't come on.

No, no, that's not
the light switch.

That's the trash compactor.

Oh.

Now, don't-don't
throw a hissy fit.

Don't throw a hissy fit.

I'm sure there's
something we can do with it.

Yeah, why don't we
put your clothes in there?

Then we could
have a pair of dice.

Oh, come on,
Laverne, now, stop it.

- Well, what am I gonna do?
- Oh, come on, calm down.

- What am I gonna do for clothes?
- Look, look, look.

I'll help you chip a
beautiful outfit off of this

right after we have
breakfast, okay?

Yeah, thanks a
lot. Thanks a lot.

Come on, a little
breakfast. You set the table.

Why don't they
label these things?

I'll check the manual
and see what we do here.

- Oh, boy...
- Okay, here we go...

Staying for the
rest of the week.

Okay!

(blipping)

(rattling)

I must've...

(blipping)

(rattling)

Here we go.

Some nice orange...

beans.

What is that?

Well, I flipped the
switch that said breakfast.

Well, why didn't flick
the switch that says food?

Just eat them! I'm
sure they're delicious.

Not with your hands.
Not with your hands.

Why not with the hands?

Because people might
sit down and watch us.

(bell rings three times)

(both clucking)

(all laughing)

(clucking continues)

(bell rings three times)

(both stop clucking)

What are you doing down there?

What are you doing
down there?! What?!

I am cleaning up, I guess.

- I don't know.
- Well, I hope so!

Shirl, I can't eat
these food beans.

I want real food.

Now, how does that
other thing work?

Well, I'll just check
the manual here.

Let me see.

Okay, all right.

We type in whatever
food it is we want.

And then it comes out of the,
uh, food terminal back there.

And then we put it
into the microwave.

- And it's done lickety-split.
- Ah.

What do we feel like?

BOTH: Chicken!

- Okay!
- Type in a couple orders...

C-H-I-C-K-E-N!

Ooh!

Good catch, Shirl!

Oh, look, she caught it.

Thank you.

Now, I'll just
slip this right in...

the oven... Laverne?

Laverne, what are you doing?

What are you doing?!

I am expressing my emotions.

Well, don't express
your emotions.

You're supposed
to do what you do

in your daily life here.

I am.

But could I have the place
to myself tonight, please?

No, you can't have the
place to yourself tonight.

Maybe you can hide
in there or something?

I'm going to go
and freshen up a bit.

At least one of us
can look dignified.

(bell rings three times)

(Laverne & Shirley clucking)

(screeches)

(both clucking)

(bell rings)

Shirl...

I feel a little unusual.

Stick out your tongue.

(shrieks) Oh, my Lord!

- Oh, my Lord in heaven!
- Oh!

- It's red as a beet!
- What's the matter with me?!

(Laverne whimpers)

You don't have a fever, though.

Well, why don't we mosey on over

and see if our lunch is ready.

Shall we?

Okay.

Hey, do you think we
got enough for three?

(bell clangs)

(both clucking)

- (Shirley clucking)
- (Laverne cooing)

(cooing)

What is going on here?

(Laverne & Shirley
clucking rapidly)

Just who do you think
you're clucking at?

And put down that chicken!

(Laverne & Shirley
squawking, screeching)

(bell rings)

Ooh...

You spit, I'll shine.

- Shirl, what are we doing here?
- I don't know.

You're getting
your things together,

and you're leaving.

You're fired.

BOTH: Fired?!

Fired.

Sacked, dismissed, canned,

given the old heave-ho.

Ladies, adieu.

Let me put it another way.

You... are... fired.

- Fired?!
- What? You can't fire us!

- We're doing a great job!
- Mr. Hildebrand! Fired?!

They liked it.

Hey, come back in here!

I want to put your
head in this closet.

Fired! We've been fired!

Oh, my goodness!

Well, now, we may as
well have a prison record.

I mean, they may as well sew

a scarlet "F" to my bosom.

- (knocking on door)
- (Shirley moans)

Excuse me.

Uh, may I come in?

Oh, hi.

- Hi.
- Hey, I'd really like

to get acquainted, but
this really isn't a good time.

You see, we just
got fired, so, uh...

Oh, well, listen, I just
wanted to tell you...

You make a great chicken.

Oh, thanks.

You should come over
for lasagna sometime.

Oh, thanks, I'd love that.

But what I meant
was that I think

it's really funny when
you two act like chickens.

(man chuckles)

What are you talking about?

Well, the last time I saw
anybody act like you two girls

was in a, in a
club act in Vegas.

You see, the people
in the audience

were hypnotized
to act like chickens

when somebody rang a bell.

No... no!

That couldn't have happened.

That couldn't have ha...
Could that have happened?

Well, that hypnotist guy did
come over and he gave me a bell.

- What? Right here?
- Right there, a bell.

Oh, okay, wait a
minute, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, um... cover your ears.

Go on, go on.

- (rings bell) -Well, what
do you want me to do?

(clucking)

- See?
- (Shirley laughing)

(rings bell)

Oh, Laverne, you look

- so completely ridiculous.
- Yeah, yeah...

- So utterly stupid!
- Okay...

Um, now, you cover your ears.

(clears throat)

(rings bell)

(clucking)

(Laverne laughing)

You mean she's gonna do-do
that until you ring that bell again?

I think so.

Okay, let's leave her like that.

We'll take her back to my
place, put her in the backyard.

And then you and me could
have the place to ourselves tonight.

You mean that?

Okay.

Okay, let's put her in the car,

then we'll come
back for the stuff.

Come on, come on.

Here you go.

Come on, Shirl.

Right this way, come on.

There you go, there you go.

There you go.

You know something?

I thought I was gonna
be thoroughly humiliated.

But those people
down at unemployment

were actually very friendly.

They should be; they got jobs.

Yeah.

Hey, what'd you put
for "last position held"?

Customer service representative.

Why? What did you put?

I misunderstood the question.

SHIRLEY: Oh.

(phone ringing)

(humming a tune)

Hello?

This is Mrs. Meeney.

He d*ed?

Who d*ed?

Well, are you sure he's dead?!

Who's dead?!

Well, maybe you
ought to call a doctor!

You are a doctor.

- That's right.
- Who's a doctor?

Oh, my good... Well,
thank you very much.

Yes, thank you. Good-bye.

Shirl...

who d*ed?

The rabbit.

Laverne...

I'm gonna have a baby.

(laughing)

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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