08x03 - The Note

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

FRANK: And now, the announcement
you've all been waiting for.

BBA presents its yearly

dance contest!

- Laverne!
- Oh...

Come on, you
promised to help me.

LAVERNE: Yeah,
but I can't dance...

- Come on, help your father, Laverne!
- I can't...

Well, Pop, I can't dance
in front of these people.

I gotta see 'em in church.

Well, somebody's gotta dance.

All right, I can't
stand the tension.

I'll break the ice.

Come on, Rhonda, let's
trip the light linoleum.

- Go ahead.
- Oh...

- Go ahead, Rhonda.
- All right, my baby,

- I won't bite.
- (Rhonda giggling)

FRANK: Good!
That's right, come on!

You're not gonna leave
me out there alone with him?

Oh, well...

Come on, Carmine, let's dance.

All right.

Well, Len, be a sport.

- Dance with yourself.
- Should I?

- Yeah.
- CARMINE: Yeah, go on.

(polka music playing)

FRANK: Get your
favorite partner.

Get up and move those
beautiful legs of yours.

Come on, let's go!

Let's go, folks!

- (Rhonda squeals)
- Let's move!

Squiggy, get away from me! No!

Stop it! Oh! Squ... oh...

♪♪

We have a winner!

Laverne and Carmine!

Carmine and Laverne!

They win!

They are wonderful.

- LAVERNE: Thank you.
- CARMINE: Yes.

Thank you. Let's go home.

- Ah-ah-ah...
- CARMINE: What?

Can't we go?

No, you can't go home.

We got prizes.

You won first prize.

You got a choice of
some wonderful gifts.

Come on over, take a look!

You know what this is?

This is a crib donated
by Amil's Toddler Village!

(all exclaiming)

That, or from Harry's Hardware,

you can have a chainsaw.

(all exclaiming)

Or a big bucket of
chicken from Cowboy Bill's.

- Yuck!
- (all exclaiming in disgust)

Well, I don't know.

Pick a choice.
Anything you want.

- And never mind these bums.
- Okay.

- Take whatever you want.
- Well...

Carmine, Shirley could
really use that baby crib.

Oh, but Laverne, I never
had a chainsaw before.

Well, Shirley's never
had a baby before.

That's not my fault.

- You watch it.
- All right.

- We'll get the crib.
- Okay.

- Isn't it pretty?
- Yeah.

Hey, Shirl, come on down!

We got a surprise for you!

(whispering): Bring it in.

Hey, how come Shirl didn't
come to the dance contest?

Oh, use your head, Carmine.

Who's gonna ask a
pregnant girl to dance?

Besides, you know how they get.

They start getting all
depressed and self-conscious

because they
think they're too fat.

It's understandable.

Hey, Lardo, roll
yourself down here

and bring your big
fat belly with you!

(Carmine chuckles)

Boy, Shirl's gonna love this.

Yeah.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Hey, I'm gonna get Boo
Boo Kitty and put it in the crib.

Okay, I'll put
some, uh, music on.

Make this a real party.

Oh, we got a new Beatles album.

It should be in,
uh, Shirl's pile.

Where's that cat?

Come on, Boo Boo Kitty.

Ah...

Shirl's probably got it upstairs

and she's practicing, uh,
putting diapers on it again.

Yeah, it probably has
boo-boo rash by now.

Hey, listen, the
record ain't here.

What are you talking about?

Neither is the record player.

Neither are some of
the pictures on the wall.

Or that little ugly basket
of flowers that used to...

Laverne...

I think maybe
you've been robbed.

Better check upstairs.

Right.

Oh, gee! Carmine,
what are you doing?

Hey, what if the
robbers are still up there?

- We need a w*apon.
- A w*apon, right.

Okay, here, here.

w*apon. Go.

Now I wish we had
taken the chainsaw.

Shh.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

One, two, three. Go get 'em!

LAVERNE: Are they in there?

Are they still there?

Well, if there were
robbers, they're gone now.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Oh, it looks like
they're gone, huh?

- Yeah.
- Unless they're...

hiding in the closet!

They're not.

Hey, look at this, Carmine.

They took all of Shirley's
clothes and none of mine.

What's the matter with my stuff?

That'll make it
easy for the police.

They'll know to
look for a robber

wearing maternity clothes.

Here, look at that.

There's a lot of
stuff missing, here.

Look, her shampoo's gone

and they took her hand cream.

They even took half our soap.

They took her picture of Fabian.

They took her sheets.

They took her pillowcase.

They took her.

What would they
want with Shir...

What? What's the matter?

Listen to this:

"Laverne, I couldn't wait for
you to get back from the dance.

"Walter got transferred

"and I decided to go with him.

"I don't know
when we'll be back,

so this is good-bye."

Go on.

I can't.

Oh.

I understand. Too personal.

No, that's all she wrote.

- That's it?
- That's it.

No "Love you always,
call me, Shirley."

No hugs and kisses with the
XX and the zero-zero-zeroes...?

- She always did that.
- Huh.

She didn't even sign
her name, you know,

and make that
silly little happy face

- over the "I"?
- Over the "I." Yeah.

I can't believe it.

You can't believe it?

How do you think I feel?

My best friend for
all these years...

just like that,

she's gone.

CARMINE: Boy, Mr. DeFazio,

have you talked
to Laverne today?

When she first read Shirley's
note, she was depressed.

- Now she's crazy.
- Good!

That's why I was worried about
her when she was depressed.

I just mention the word
"note" and she has a fit.

So whatever you do,
when you see Laverne,

don't say "Shirley"

and don't say "note."

What am I, stupid?

I'm not gonna say
nothing about a note.

That's why I gave her the
day off, so she can relax.

Yeah.

Hi.

Muffin, what are you doing here?

I gave you the day off.

The-the-the... I left you a...

message! Message.

I didn't get no message.

On the refrigerator
door. I left a note.

Note?

I'll tell you about
a little note!

A note from someone

you've been best friends
with since the fifth grade.

You know how little we
were in the fifth grade?

And not so much
as a love and kisses.

Nothing, here.
And there we were,

dancing our
heinies off to win her

- a baby crib...
- Calm down!

What'd you hit me for?

To calm her down.

I can't slap my
daughter in the face.

Thank you, Pop.

I feel a lot better.

I'm gonna get you
some warm milk.

It will help you relax.

That's what I'll do.

Laverne, you gotta calm down.

- I'm calm.
- You can't sh**t off the handle

every time someone
mentions the word n...

N-O-T-E.

What are you talking about?

You don't have to
spell in front of me,

and I do not go crazy
every time I hear that word.

Oh...!

Rhonda just got back
from her singing lesson

and she's thrilled!

Great. Tell us all
about it, Rhonda.

We could use a
change of subject.

- Okay.
- Are you listening, Laverne?

Well, I have never been
able to reach a high C before,

and today, for the first time,

Rhonda had no trouble
reaching that note.

Note?

Did I hear you say "note"?

Let me show you a
little note, my dear.

- Come over here, would you?
- What?

Count 'em. 30 words.

That's three words for

- each year we lived together.
- FRANK: Laverne...

- Laverne...
- Well, I got three words

- for that little girl...
- Calm down!

What'd you do that for?

Couldn't you just
slap me in the face?

Sure.

You feel better?

Yeah.

LAVERNE: A little.

Um...

Muffin... I know what
you're going through.

I don't know the reason,

but I'm pretty sure
Shirley got a good reason.

A good reason, Pop?

You tell me what
a good reason is,

that after you've been
friends with someone

for God knows how many years,

and-and they walk out
on you and leave you

a-a chintzy little
note like this

and not have the common
decency to say good-bye to you.

What's the good
reason for that, huh?

Laverne, she wasn't
just your friend,

she was our friend,
too, you know.

She left all of us, too.

You gotta think about going on.

So I gotta move, too?

No, no, no, no, no...

uh... find a new roommate.

- FRANK: Good.
- A roommate?

- CARMINE: Yeah.
- So that I can go through this

every ten years? No, thank you.

- (Rhonda sighs)
- LAVERNE: Besides,

it's not easy finding a
new roommate, you know.

Finding someone that you could

laugh with

- and talk to and...
- Yeah.

..trust.

You know, I... I mean,
someone that you...

you want to share
your bedroom with.

Hello!

Ooh, look...

- What is it?
- SQUIGGY: Oh, Laverne.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

Lenny and I have been
talking over your predicament,

and we just want
you to know that, well,

you can move in with us.

Over my dead body.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I didn't know you were ill.

Laverne, I got the
solution for you.

You move in with me.

Wait a minute!

That would be "incense," sir!

- Incense!
- Incense?

- You heard me!
- Are you crazy?

That's like violating

- a state law...
- (shouting over each other)

Shut up!

Look, I-I'm not gonna
move in with you,

and I'm not gonna
move in with you.

I-I'm just gonna
go live by myself.

I'm fine.

I really am, I'm fine.

I'll see you all later.

(knocking on door)

Coming!

Are you Muffin?

Did my father send you?

Yes.

- Hi, I'm Patti.
- Hi.

Your father said you
needed a roommate?

Uh... well, why don't you
come in and look around?

But I'm not really sure
I'm looking for a roommate.

Oh, well, I'm real quiet.

Except for when my boyfriend

brings his teammates over.

Teammates?

Yeah, he's a football
player on the Rams.

Look, why don't you sit down?

We could try it for a
month. Write a check.

Okay. (giggling)

(knocking on door)

Uh, just a second, Patti.

I'll be right back.

- Hi, babycakes.
- Hi.

- I'm Tom.
- Hi, Tom.

Rhonda sent me.

Oh. Yeah?

You are the one
looking for a roommate?

Uh, well, I'm looking
for a roommate,

but not a guy.

Hey, hey, hey, hey...
Guys live in rooms.

Yeah, but not in this one.

Hey, babe, this is the '60s.

Get loose!

Hey, babe, you're in your 40s.

Get lost.

Gosh.

Now, who do I make this out to?

Uh, Laverne DeFazio.

That's big "D," little "E,"

big "F," little "azio."

(knocking on door)

Oh... excuse me again, Patti.

Yeah...

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Squiggy sent me.
- LAVERNE: Oh...

I'm here to look at the room.

Y-Yeah, but you're a...

Bag lady.

Right, uh... I
mean, I knew that,

but I didn't know
whether you knew.

No... I thought I was
Executive Vice-President

for Maybelline.

LAVERNE: Oh.

Anyway...

come on over here and sit down.

Okay, I'm coming and I'm...

Let me tell you a story.

Okay.

I was living in this box.

Is that the story?

Hey.

I'm not Mark Twain.

I'm a bag lady.

Okay, well, I-I'd really
like to hear your story,

but you see, I got a
person waiting over there,

and so, maybe another time,

you could come
back and tell me, huh?

Ah, forget it.

I don't like your attitude.

As a matter of fact, I don't
even like your furniture.

Gee whiz.

You really handled that well.

Laverne, all your
problems are solved!

I went to a computer
roommate service

and I found you a
perfect roommate.

Perfect!

Wait a second, just a second,
Patti... No, no, Carmine...

Oh, you're gonna love,
you're gonna love this...

Come on in. Don't be shy.

Come on.

You don't understand.
There's a...

- Hello.
- Hello.

I-I, I-I see you two
got a lot to talk about,

so you can thank me later.

I don't believe this.

Louise?

No. Laverne. Mary?

No, Maxine, but you
got the first letter right.

I guess I'm psychic.

- Ha!
- Ha!

- Ha! -Ha!

- Ha!
- Ha!

What a beautiful apartment.

- Oh, gee, thanks.
- You bowl?

Yeah. You?

- Yeah.
- Great.

And you love the Beatles,
too. I got that same poster.

- You're kidding me.
- No.

Boy, what a coincidence that is.

Hey, um, you want
something to drink?

Sure, but I have this favorite
drink that's kind of weird.

What is it?

- Milk and Coke.
- You mean, milk and Pepsi.

Ech! No, milk and Coke.

Oh, well, that's good that
we have some differences.

It would get boring, huh?

- Ha!
- Ha!

- Ha! -Ha!

- Ha!
- Ha!

I love your laugh.

Oh, Patti, this is
Maxine. Maxine, Patti.

Hey, Patty, Maxine, and Laverne.

- Can you sing?
- No.

Um, wait a minute.

Your father said I could
have the apartment,

so why are you talking to her?

I didn't want to be rude.

And why are you wasting
my time if it's already rented?

Well, I was just, uh...

Look, Maxine, me
and Laverne got along,

you and Laverne got
along, so who needs her?

I saw this apartment
for rent down the street.

What do you say
we give it a look?

Fine. Who wants
to live with someone

who can't make up her mind?

LAVERNE: Huh!

Huh.

Yeah? Well, the thought of milk
and Coke makes me nauseous.

(knocking on door)

I don't even want
to live... Aw, gee.

This is probably's
Lenny's entry into this.

Look, I don't want a roommate.

I don't want to
even to talk about it.

I'm gonna live alone.

Uh, but, could-could I
have your phone number?

You want my phone...?

(crickets chirping)

Why do we have to wait
here so long for Laverne?

I'm beginning to feel like,
like Baby Huey in bondage.

We're going to wait
until Laverne gets home.

We want her to know she
has friends who care about her

and don't want her to be alone.

I know, I know, we'll
leave her a note.

Note! Don't say that word!

If you guys are smart,
you'll do what I used to do.

SQUIGGY: What is that, sir?

You sleep, and you
wait for her to come in.

And when she
does, you yell at her

for keeping you up all night.

Ah, reverse
psychology. I see, I see.

- FRANK: Yeah, yeah.
- I tried that on my old man once.

I still can't believe how
Shirl could leave just like that.

Well, Carmine, it's only normal.

When a woman gets married,
she changes her friends.

She changes her life.

She changes her name, too.
I read that in House Beautiful.

Very good.

Listen, I don't know
where Shirley is,

but wherever she
is, I wish she's happy.

But for now, let's go to sleep.

Let's turn out the light
and let's go to sleep, okay?

That's what I said
twice. Okay, fine.

- Good night.
- Good night, everybody.

Good night, good night,
good night, good night, night.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

(Lenny snoring)

Lenny, Le-Lenny, Lenny?

What? Oh, oh.

(hums dramatic fanfare)

And so, when last we left
the seafaring Captain Jack...

Captain Jack.

The only pirate with a
hook instead of a head...

Ha-ha!

He was asleep in the
closet, hanging on a coat rack.

- Ah, that's what he could do.
- Yeah.

Suddenly, there was a knock...

What kind of
stupid story is that?

That is not a stupid story.

It's only dumb to dumb people.

You joined it late, so
you don't understand

what the heck's
going on in this saga.

That's right. That's right.

Listen, if we
have to listen to it,

you could at least
fill us in, okay?

Well, that might take a
while, Miss Rhonda Lee,

since it's been going on
for eight years every night.

I don't even remember
the beginning.

I remember it, Len, I
remember it, I remember it.

It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times.

I was hot that night.

Forget about it! Will you
just go to sleep, will ya?

He can turn a phrase, you
know? I mean... (muttering)

- Night.
- Shh!

You don't even understand
what you're say... good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

(snores)

(squeaks)

(splutters)

(snoring)

- (squeaks)
- (splutters)

(snoring, squeaking,
spluttering continue)

(shrieks)

SQUIGGY: Uh, fire! Oh!

Laverne, where you
been?! I been worried sick!

I haven't slept
a wink all night!

What have you been doing?!

What have I been doing?

I come home to find
Squiggy in a baby crib,

and you're asking
me what I was doing?

What have you been doing?

Well, we didn't want you
to be alone tonight, Laverne.

That's right, that's right.
We figured if you was gonna

be alone, then all you'd have
to do is spend time by yourself.

Ah, that's so sweet of you
all, but I'm really fine by myself.

But, well, since
you're all tucked in...

SQUIGGY: Yeah...

Come on.

Uh, does anyone have to use
the bathroom before I go to bed?

Your-Your father made us use
it before we came down here.

Oh.

LENNY: Night, Laverne.

- SQUIGGY: Good night, Laverne.
- Good night. Sweet dreams.

SQUIGGY: Sweet
dreams to you, too.

Boy, what a bunch they are.

Ah, they're good friends.

That's what real
friendship's all about.

I know what I'll do.

I'll move these beds together,

and maybe I can make a
couple of them more comfortable.

Aw, gee, how do you like that?

All these years she's been
sweeping her stuff under my bed.

Ew. Ew.

Ew...

(drops wastebasket)

Oh, my God,

there were more
pages to Shirley's letter.

Wake up! Everybody, wake up!

SQUIGGY: Ah, where's the fire?

LENNY: Laverne,
come on. What is it?

Are you coming home again?

No, no, no, no. Guess what?

I-I found some more pages to
Shirley's letter under the bed.

They must have dropped behind it

when she was
packing her suitcase.

- I knew it!
- Shut up, shut up, shut up!

What does it say?

Well...

"How can I possibly say
good-bye to you in a note?

"This is so hard,
but in my heart,

"I'm really not saying good-bye,

"because when
you've gone through

"as much as we have
together, this isn't good-bye,

it's just happy trails
until we meet again."

So you're saying she's
run off with Roy Rogers?

"Walter was on the waiting
list for a transfer to overseas,

"and his orders came through

"three hours
before the plane left.

"I tried to call
you at the dance,

"but I couldn't get though.

"Please understand.

"I waited so long to
meet someone like Walter,

"I couldn't let him
go without me.

"Love you always, Shirley.

Hugs and kisses."

I guess I've always waited
to meet my Walter, too.

"P.S. I'll send you my address

"along with the rent
money when we get settled.

Love, your friend
forever, Shirley."

I'll miss that little whippet.

Guess you were right, Pop.

I guess she did have
a pretty good reason.

Well, you had every right
to think the way you thought.

Anybody else would have
done the same thing, you know?

- I guess.
- You want to be alone?

Yeah, I want to write her now,

when things are
still fresh in my mind.

Good. Good, you do that.

- Come on, folks, let's get up!
- Come on...

Let's move! Up! Up!
Come on! Get up!

- Okay, okay, okay!
- Come on! Come on!

I knew my angel couldn't
leave without saying good-bye.

I knew she wouldn't
leave without Walter.

Well, I won't hold your breath

for waiting for that
rent check, you know?

- In, like, a foreign land.
- Come on.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, thanks for helping out, Carmine.

Hey, listen, uh,
Rhonda, you know, uh,

we're gonna be alone
tonight, too, just like Laverne,

in case you'd like to
spend the night with us.

(laughs) I'd rather drop dead.

Okay, you're gonna
miss a lot of fun, though.

Yeah, this can be...
(fading into distance)

Look, uh, hey, Laverne,

Shirley didn't by any chance
leave a P.S. for me, did she?

Matter of fact,
she did, Carmine.

Why didn't you read it?

'Cause there are some things

I cannot read in
front of my father.

Why don't you take it
with you... But don't lose it,

'cause want to keep it, okay?

Dear Shirl,

How are you?

Things have been
pretty quiet around here.

I want to thank you for your
generous offer about the rent.

I'm sure you just forgot

that we also split
the gas, water...

and telephone...

Can't believe it... I
finally get a king-size bed.

Feel like a princess.

Gotta clean that.

Too comfortable.
I can't believe it.

I finally get a big bed

and I still land on
my little dinky side.

Well...

Full moon.

Good night, Shirley,
wherever you are.

SQUIGGY: Good night, Laverne!

And I know where you are.

It's like I haven't
even fallen asleep yet

and already I'm
getting nightmares.

What are you doing here, Squigg?

Now, now don't jump
to any tasty conclusions.

Uh, well, I-I, this may not
be exactly the right time,

but Laverne, I have a
proposition to make for you.

No way! Get out!

No-no-no-no-no, it's
not anything good.

No, it's nothing like that.

No, uh, what I
would like to do is...

May I buy your crib?

What do you want a crib for?

Well, to sleep in, of course.

You see, the night
I spent over here,

sleeping in that crib, I...

well, for the first
time in my adult life,

I felt like a real man.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪