♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
(trumpeting)
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Okay, thank you. Bye.
What's the matter with you?
I can't stand this place,
you understand that?
What?
The next guy that walks
over to me and goes,
"Is that you in the
barrel?" I'm gonna pop him.
You mean that ain't you?
I'm gonna pop you,
what do you think of that?
Oh, come on, Pop. I was kidding.
Come on. Why don't you
go in the back and relax?
Slap some meat
around or something.
Hi, ho, Laverne. Oh...
You look nice...
Thanks.
- Rhonda needs a favor.
- Aw, gee...
She's auditioning for the
experimental theater piece,
Romeo and Daisy Mae.
Oh, what's the experiment?
Seeing what's it like
playing to an empty theater?
No!
It's actually a
pretty good script.
"Romeo, Romeo,
wherefore art y'all, Romeo?"
Gee, I-I always
loved the classics.
- Hope you get the part, Rhonda.
- Well, uh, just in case I don't,
I was wondering if you
wouldn't mind running down
to the Playboy Club.
They're having a Bunny
Hunt, and I really need for you
- to pick me up an application.
- Oh, Rhonda,
- I don't want to go down there.
- Please? Laverne,
wait a minute. As
long as you're there,
why don't you apply yourself?
- Me?
- Sure.
- Nah... I-I can't.
- Oh, yeah.
I-I'm not a Playboy Bunny
type, on account of I got these
- little dinky birdie ankles.
- Not true, Laverne.
Oh, Laverne,
you could be a Bunny
if you really wanted to.
- Yeah?
- Sure.
- Like this?
- Yeah, that's it.
- Yeah? You think so? Nah.
- Yeah! Sure!
You're just saying that.
True, but it was a sh*t.
Um, I'm sorry,
Laverne. I've got to run.
I must prepare for my audition.
Oh, you got to
warm up your voice?
No, no, no... I've got
to warm up the director.
Always got an angle, that girl.
Ladies, ladies, could I
please have your attention?
Hi.
I'm Bunny Mother Hillary.
I'd like each of you to fill out
one of these applications now.
Uh, we'd like your
name, address,
telephone number, age
and a recent snapshot.
No, no, no... see, it's not
for me. It's for my, uh...
Oh...
- I think it's vertigo.
- Huh?
Yes. Vertigo and-and fever.
Yes, I've had this before.
I-I... I think I'm warm, yes.
I know that we haven't met, but
could you confirm that I'm warm?
Well, actually you're very cool.
- But, listen...
- Cool? No! No, that's worse.
A cold fever.
What do I do? Starve a cold?
- Feed a fever?
- Well, you see,
I-I have to know whether I
can take this thing with me
- because, see, it's not for me...
- Liquids.
I should be taking
a lot of liquids.
One for you, one
for you, here you go.
- I'm sorry I'm late.
- Oh. Well, here.
Why don't you take two in
case you make some mistakes.
Are you in charge?
Uh, I was, but you
can be in charge, okay?
Uh, wait, can I borrow
a pencil, please?
- Pencil? Yeah, well, okay.
- Yes.
- Here. Well, here's a pen.
- Oh, thanks.
But could you make it
fast? 'Cause I got to go.
- Where you going?
- Home.
I'm just picking
up an application
for a friend of mine.
- Oh, what a shame.
- What?
You really ought to apply.
You'd make a great Bunny.
- No. No, not me. No, see, I...
- Yes.
I got these little dinky
birdie ankles here...
No, no, no...
Besides, I-I already
got a job I like.
Oh, oh, you-you travel to
a lot of interesting places?
Oh... I work in Burbank.
Good pay, a lot of tips?
Well, I make around
$2.30 an hour,
but I work a lot of
hours, so it sort of...
You meet a lot of
exciting men though, huh?
I hate my job.
Well, you got an
application right there.
- You think so?
- Yes.
- Okay, bend over.
- Okay.
Okay, measurements.
- Ankle measurements. I'm dead.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Look.
Look at these pictures. Do
you see any ankles at all?
No.
Okay, we're not talking
ankles, then... we're talking...
Okay, okay... but just to be
on the safe side, I'm gonna lie.
- Always a good policy.
- About everything.
Better.
Still working.
What did I do that for?!
What if the Playboy
Club tried to call
just when I picked
it up? I'm so stupid.
Forget it.
Just forget about it.
A watched pot never
makes a hard-boiled egg.
(phone rings)
Come here, you... Hello?
Oh, hi, Bunny Mother Hillary.
No, you sound fine.
Okay, you sound sick.
Uh...
I made it to Bunny Training?
You're kidding me.
No, a dying woman
would never kid.
Okay, I'll see you tonight.
Thank you. Bye.
I made it! I made it
to Bunny Training!
I made it!
Nobody's here.
Pop! Hi, Pop! Pop!
Oh, am I glad to see you.
Wait a second.
Wait a second, I
don't hug that bad.
Now, what's the matter?
What's the matter? I'll
tell you what's the matter.
I can't take Cowboy
Bill's no more,
that's what's the matter!
I'm tired of making
myself depressed!
I figured I'd come here,
I'd make somebody
else depressed.
You're too happy,
so I'm leaving.
Oh, come on. Don't
leave, don't leave.
Come in, sit down.
I got some news that
may make you happy.
- Yeah, sure.
- Sit down, sit down.
- Guess what.
- What?
Well, last week, I applied to
be a Playboy Bunny, you know?
Guess who starts
training tonight.
Why should that make me happy?
Well, 'cause I may
get to do something
that I really could like doing,
you know, and it could be fun.
Well, I thought that
would make you happy,
'cause remember
how happy you got
when I made it as
a cheerleader, huh?
Remember the fun we
used to have practicing?
Boom chicka bum,
boom chicka bum,
- Fillmore High!
- Boom...
- Let's break their legs!
- Yeah...
Boom chicka boom...
Yeah, yeah, but
that was different.
Then you didn't have
to put a pom-pom on, uh,
- your-your boom chicka boom.
- Well...
- Come on.
- Tell 'em you quit.
Pop, what are you making such
a big deal about this for, huh?
I'll tell you why I'm
making a big deal.
Number one,
I don't want to see
my little girl wearing
one of them
skimpy little outfits.
And number two,
who's gonna hire you?
You got your mother's
dinky little birdie ankles.
And number three,
I don't want to
see my little girl
wearing a skimpy
little outfit, all right?
And since when did you
stop checking with your father?
I'll refresh your memory:
Senior prom.
What time did you tell
me I had to be home?
- 10:30.
- That's when I stopped checking with you.
Now, I'm sorry,
Pop, but this time,
I'm gonna do what I want to do.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah...?
- Yeah!
Okay!
Okay, you want to be a Bunny?
Go ahead, be a Bunny!
See if I care!
But I'll tell you one thing.
If I see you in a barber shop
with a staple through
your belly button,
I'll give you a boom chicka
and a boom boom, I'll give you.
Oh, boy, I'll tell
ya... (muttering)
♪ Nothing you could say could
tear me away from my guy ♪
♪ Nothing you could do
'cause I'm stuck like glue ♪
♪ To my guy... ♪
Real nice guy, there.
- He is. And he's altered.
- Aw, yeah.
Don't fall for that
old line. Come here.
You know something?
You've got a real nice
singing voice there.
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah, you do.
It's what I really want to do.
See, I figure if I
get to be a Bunny,
I might be able to
sing in one of the clubs,
and then I'd get a
big break in my career.
That sounds great.
I bet your folks are
gonna be real happy
to have a singer
in the family, huh?
Mm, nah, they'd rather
I married a doctor,
had a couple kids, settled down.
- You Italian?
- Jewish.
Same thing.
Uh, I go to med school at night.
Get lost.
HILLARY: Now,
we are moving on to
handling the unruly customer.
(chuckles)
I have searched far and wide
to find someone sufficiently
obnoxious and rude,
and I think I have found
the perfect specimen.
Hello!
This is Andrew Squiggman, girls.
At your service,
at your service.
Keep your shirts on, girls,
I'll have time for all of you.
Didn't I see your pictorial
in "Bunnies of Arcadia"?
Hmm...
Aw, you all look so lo...
I know that "L" and it
doesn't stand for Larry.
- Laverne, what are you doing here?
- Shh...
I am trying to be
a Bunny. And you?
I am trying to be a playboy.
They've gone on a
nationwide playboy hunt,
and they dug me up.
They said that-that I was the
typical man what reads Playboy,
and if I'm real good
in this audition here,
I can win my Playboy key...
- Okay, get away...
- A key to international des...
- Mr. Squiggman, Mr. Squiggman.
- What...?
- Would you sit down, please?
- Oh, is this the part? Oh, yes.
- Yes, sit down. That's it.
- Where I sit. Okay, fine.
Now, as a drill, we will
all treat Mr. Squiggman
as we would a normal
person. (clears throat)
Polite at all costs. (chuckles)
Cathy, would
you like to go first?
And remember your Bunny Manners.
Okay, now, stay on your toes.
When it comes to
disgusting, this guy is the best.
Ooh...
Hi, I'm your Bunny Cathy.
Hi, I'm your playboy Squiggy.
Welcome to the Playboy Club.
SQUIGGY: Mm-hmm...
Can I, uh, bring you something?
I'd say you've already
brought them, my little gerbil.
- Mmm... (puckers)
- (chuckles)
It's so lovely to have you here.
Uh, uh, let me guess,
you're from out of town?
No, I'm a Valley boy.
Aw, say, what do you
say you get comfortable,
put your little rabbit
feet up on the table
and let me rub
'em for luck, huh?
No tonguing, no, no,
no, no, let...!
- Oh!
- (Squiggy growls)
- What is this?
- Whiskey.
Perfect.
(shudders)
- What are you doing?
- He licked me!
- Oh.
- I hope it kills whatever he gave me.
Well, it'll probably
just slow it down.
But don't worry, he's not
that germy or contagious.
- Oh...
- HILLARY: Eunice!
Your turn.
LAVERNE: Good luck, Eunice.
SQUIGGY: Very nice restaurant.
Oh...!
(growling)
I want to take your
breakfast out to lunch!
(playful growling)
- (Eunice screaming, sobbing)
- I want to...
(Squiggy growling)
Works up an appetite, that one.
Very good, Mr. Squiggman!
You'll have your
Playboy key in no time.
- Ah, no time is soon enough.
- Laverne, your turn.
- Oh...
- SQUIGGY: Ah, yes...
Hi. I'm your Bunny Laverne.
Hi. I'm your playboy Squiggy.
Welcome to the Playboy Club.
May I take your order?
Yes... you may...
(whispers): Come on, Squigg.
This is... this is no good...
I can't playboy at you.
Okay, then just... just
be rude, okay? Be rude.
I can't be rude in front
of all these people.
I'd lose my Playboy key.
Okay, lick my arm... You've
done it a million times.
That's different.
You were asleep.
Now, lick it. Go
ahead, come on, lick it.
- Lick it?
- Yes.
Well, my-my tongue's a
little dry from the last one,
- but I...
- Spit on it. Come on.
(quietly): Just lick it...
Am I close? Am I close?
Come on, come on, come on.
I can't do it! I can't do it!
I'm sorry, Hillary,
I let you down!
I cracked under the pressure!
I didn't know you were
gonna pull Laverne on me.
I guess I just ain't the kind
of man who reads Playboy!
I'm a man who
looks at the pictures...
pretends to read the interviews!
I'm sorry, but I'm a failure!
Oh, Lord, please forgive me!
(clears throat)
W-Well, he didn't seem
to want to order anything.
Uh, will I lose points
because I made him leave?
Oh, nobody loses points
for doing the impossible.
Thank you so much. (chuckles)
All right, ladies...
(clears throat)
now... I hope that
we have exposed you
to all possible
circumstances, because...
tomorrow evening,
at the dress rehearsal,
everything is
on the line, and...
Mr. Hefner will be here to
choose the Bunnies himself.
Hugh Hefner!
(crying): I feel dizzy.
My arm hurts.
Oh, my God,
something's going around.
CATHY (groans): Oh...
Please tell me, how tight
do these things have to be
before they're
legally declared skin?
- (groans)
- I can't breathe in this.
Me, neither.
- Isn't it great? (laughs)
- Yeah, sorta.
Right this way, Mr. Hefner.
Thank you.
The last two trainees are
right here in the lounge.
Very good.
Oh, could you tell me
first whether you think I'm
- just a little bit warm?
- Yes, Hillary,
- you do look a little flushed.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Uh, Laverne, Cathy...
LAVERNE & CATHY:
You look terrible.
Thank you. Thank you.
I am proud of what
both of you have done
in the training so far,
but I have to tell you
that there is only one
Bunny opening left.
So I wish you both good luck.
- You're gonna get it.
- Good luck.
- I think you're wonderful.
- I think you're much better.
All right, let's start
to earn our ears now.
- Okay.
- Laverne, why don't you see
if Mr. Hefner would
like to order, hmm?
All right.
Hi, Mr. Hefner.
Yes?
Yes? You-you wanted something?
No, thank you.
But-but perhaps I do.
Do ya?
Oh, of course. Hi.
I'm... I'm your Bunny Laverne.
Welcome to the... to your club.
May I take your order?
Uh, yes, I think I'll
just take a Pepsi.
Would you like milk with that?
Milk?
Yeah. It's very good.
No, I think I'll have
it on the rocks.
I'll bring you a side of milk;
I think you're gonna like it.
- One milk, one Pepsi.
- Excuse me?
- Milk, Pepsi.
- Coming up.
Cathy, I think that
Mr. Hefner's candle is not lit.
- Would you please take care of that?
- Okay.
(speaking quietly)
(quietly): Ooh...
Uh-oh.
LAVERNE: Get out of here.
Get out of here, get
out of here, I'll get rid of...
May I light your
Hefner, Mr. Pipe?
Uh... please.
It's perfectly appropriate
to offer to light the pipe,
but not my face.
You're absolutely
right. I'm sorry.
Here, we'll just
take care of that.
There you go.
Here, have some milk instead.
- Good. Take this.
- I got it under control.
Okay. Aw, gee. Uh...
What...
what are you doing?
I-I'm just, uh,
wiping up the table.
Uh... I know I
should use a towel,
but, well, these darn things
are just so sponge-like
and handy, you know?
You squeeze it...
Here.
Well, I admit it's efficient,
but it really isn't
the Bunny image.
Oh. Well, um,
I'll keep that in
mind. I'm sorry.
I wet myself.
- Uh, Hillary?
- Oh, uh, yes.
Excu... Is there some trouble
with the trainees, hmm?
No. No-no, no problem.
Girls, come over
here, girls, please.
- Hmm?
- No. But on the basis of...
what I've seen
this evening, I...
I would like to welcome
Bunny Cathy to the hutch.
Congratulations.
Uh, wait a second, Mr. Hefner,
you can't choose me.
Laverne has just been
covering for my mistakes.
She's the one you want.
Oh. Well, in that case,
you're out and...
and you're in.
Well, but, uh, Cathy
really wants to be a Bunny
a lot more than I do, so I
think you should make her one.
Oh. All right, fine, then...
you're out and you're in.
Oh, this is wonderful.
It's making my head spin.
But that's not fair, Mr. Hefner.
Laverne would make a much
better Bunny than I ever would.
Fine. In that case...
you're out and...
you're back in again.
- Are we done now?
- Uh, not quite.
Now, Cathy may not
make the best Bunny,
but you're making a big mistake,
'cause she can sing like crazy.
Oh, no, don't do
this. Don't do this!
- I'm too scared. I'm too scared!
- Sing for him. Come on, come on.
- Come on.
- You help me, then, you help me.
I'll help you. Okay, hit it!
(piano playing lively intro)
What are you
doing? No! Not that.
(intro to "My Guy" plays)
♪ Nothing you could
say could tear me away ♪
♪ From my guy ♪
♪ Nothing you could do
'cause I'm stuck like glue ♪
♪ To my guy ♪
♪ I'm sticking to my guy
like a stamp to a letter ♪
♪ Like birds of a feather, we ♪
♪ Stick together, I'm
telling you from the start ♪
♪ I can't be torn
apart from my guy ♪
LAVERNE: ♪ Her guy ♪
♪ As a matter of
opinion I think he's tops ♪
♪ My opinion is he's
the cream of the crop ♪
♪ As a matter of
taste, to be exact ♪
♪ He's my ideal,
as a matter of fact ♪
♪ No muscle-bound man ♪
♪ Could take my hand ♪
♪ From my guy ♪
♪ No handsome face ♪
♪ Could ever take
the place of my guy ♪
♪ Well, he may not
be a movie star ♪
♪ But when it comes
to being happy ♪
♪ We are, there's
not a man today ♪
♪ Who's gonna take me away ♪
♪ From my guy ♪
♪ What'd you say? ♪
♪ There's not a man today ♪
♪ Who's gonna take
me away from my guy ♪
♪ Tell him again ♪
♪ There's not a man today ♪
♪ Who could take me away ♪
♪ From my guy... ♪
- LAVERNE: Hey!
- (cheering, whistling)
(indistinct talking)
(laughter)
- Huh? Huh? What'd I tell you?
- Well, you were ab...
- What did I tell you?
- You were right.
She may not be
much of a waitress,
but she'll make a
wonderful singing Bunny.
See, she could be
the singing Bunny,
and I could be the
non-singing Bunny, you know?
But I'm afraid there's
only one Bunny opening.
Oh.
You got it.
Congratulations.
- But...
- Please, I've...
I've already made too
many decisions today.
I'll see that your
limo is ready.
HEFNER: All right.
But e-excuse me, Mr. Hefner,
Laverne has worked
so hard today.
Couldn't you find
something to do for her?
HEFNER: Well...
maybe I could
take her to dinner.
It does look like it's
been a hard night.
Laverne, may I?
May you what?
- Take you to dinner?
- Me?
Yes.
Oh, sure.
You got it. Eating is the
one thing I do do well.
But, uh, I'd sort of like to
take a bath or something.
I got a little milk
on my heinie.
No problem. No problem.
- We have a Jacuzzi in the mansion.
- Oh.
Well, there are two things
I've always wanted to be in...
One was a Jacuzzi, and
the other was a mansion.
(mouthing)
FRANK: I'm sorry I blew
up at you the other day.
Look at that, you
were all depressed,
and now, 'cause you're making
pizza again, you're happy.
That's right. You bet your life.
- You know something, Pop?
- What? What?
There's no law that
says you can't serve pizza
down at Cowboy Bill's.
- That's right.
- Huh?
My daughter's a genius.
I can bake pizza pie
as much as I want to!
- Great!
- Let's eat!
Let's eat and be happy!
(Frank singing happily)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
08x05 - The Playboy Show
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.