♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
(trumpeting)
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
(buoy bell clanging)
- LAVERNE: look at this place!
- Ooh... -Nice, huh?
- CARMINE: Can we go in?
- Yeah. -Let's go inside.
- Wheezer!
- Gonzague!
- Comment ça va?
- Oh, hey, hey!
- How are ya! Mwa!
- So good to see you.
That's, uh, French.
You know, kissing?
Is this the future Mrs. Wheezer?
- Oh...
- Oh, well...
I don't know about that. The
only thing we're sure about
is tonight and next Tuesday.
Oh, this is Laverne.
I'm sorry, Gonzague.
She is so very young.
I must insist upon
seeing the driver's license
before serving the wine.
Wheezer, tip him now.
(chuckles) These are my friends.
Uh, Gonzague, this is Carmine.
Carmine, comment ça va?
Mwa! It's so good to... see you.
Don't ever do that again.
This is my girlfriend, Suzi.
Suzi! You're so very young.
Save it, Frenchie. He's paying.
(chuckles): How lucky for you!
So, what are we having
tonight, Gonzague?
- Tonight, uh, we have a very special dish.
- Mm-hmm.
Entrecôte au
poivre. (pops mouth)
- Ooh. -Yeah.
- Sounds good, you know?
- What is it?
- Well, that's, uh, French for, um...
(whispers): Pepper steak.
- Pepper sticks.
- Steak.
- Steak, steak, steak, pepper steak.
- Oh, oh.
(French accent): I'll
have ze pepper steak.
CARMINE: Yeah,
that's good, that's good.
Uh, you got any fried chicken?
I will have to check
next-door with Ze Colonel.
- (chuckles)
- Carmine, be adventurous!
I'm willing to try
something new and exciting.
- Okay, let's get out of here.
- The pepper steak, Carmine.
Pepper steak, all right; we'll
have four all the way around.
- All around here.
- Four entrecôte au poivre!
- (snaps fingers, pops mouth)
- WHEEZER: Ooh...
- How does he do that?
- Oh, that's great.
I didn't know you spoke French.
Oh, I just picked
it up, you know.
So, is this place
French, or what?
LAVERNE: That's what
I love about this guy.
He always finds these
out-of-the-way restaurants
that serve the best food,
you know what I mean?
Wasn't it worth the drive
down to San Pedro, huh?
- Yeah, it sure was.
- Yeah, yeah, uh-huh.
They treat you like
royalty around here.
- The way he kisses your hand.
- I'll kiss your hand.
Can I have some change?
I want to play the jukebox.
- Yeah, here, here you go.
- Then we could dance?
Yeah, well, pick something good.
Okay. Suzi, come with me.
CARMINE: Hey, uh, did you see
- that guy kiss me?
- Yeah.
He ain't from the
neighborhood, is he?
(groans) No, Gonzague is fine.
He's just French.
Don't worry about it.
- How do you know him?
- I, uh, fixed his transmission.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, anybody who can fix
a '52 Peugeot has
found a friend for life.
LAVERNE: Here,
I'll take this one.
This one's good,
this one's good. Okay.
I want you
on the dance floor right now.
Let's go.
Hey! What kind of a
woman do you think I am?
You're about to be my woman.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, the
lady's sitting this one out.
- Okay? Buzz off, creeps.
- Well, lucky me.
Mine's got spunk.
Come on, let's
spin a little, honey.
Aw, please. Look
here, buzzard breath...
Hey, wait, Laverne,
Laverne, sit down.
- I'll handle this.
- (man chuckles)
- Gentlemen?
- Yeah, what do you want?
Uh, well, um, these girls here,
uh, do not care to have your
company at this time right now,
so why don't you just run along.
Listen, wimp, you got a
quarter in your pocket?
- Yes.
- Good. 'Cause I think
I'm gonna take your entire body
and shove it into the jukebox,
just so I can play
my favorite song.
(clears throat): Uh...
um, excusez-moi...
(pops mouth) you two guys
ain't doing nothin' to nobody.
This ain't gonna take too long.
You two, uh, pepper-steak
heads care to join me outside?
(men chuckle)
Uh, you know, maybe... I think
Carmine might need some help.
Yeah, you're right.
- I'll help him. (spits)
- Okay.
WHEEZER: Wait, wait! Laverne!
Oh. You know, I
think I really should,
uh... I should go out
there and help them.
- No, relax!
- Are you sure?
Carmine used to fight
in the Golden Gloves.
- Yeah?
- Do you know he was once knocked out
by a guy that got knocked out
by a guy that got knocked out
- by Rocky Marciano?
- Ooh, that's tough.
And Laverne grew up in New York.
That's really tough.
That's really...
(loud clattering)
Oh, Wheezer, Wheezer,
what's wrong with you?
Wheezer Wheezer?
You mean that's your first
name and your last name?
No. No, that's a nickname,
that's my nickname.
- Oh. How'd you get it?
- Well, I used to run track
in high school and I
used to smoke a lot, and...
Uh-huh.
When I ran the hundred-yard
dash, I used to... (wheezing)
wheeze a lot, you know.
That's when I decided
that running was
hazardous to your health.
What a couple of turkeys!
You know, they actually fell
for the old "your
shoelaces are untied" gag.
And of them was
even wearing loafers.
Well, if you guys were
out there another minute,
I was gonna call the cops.
Aw, don't sweat it... Laverne
and I have taken on tougher.
Yeah?
- Remember that motorcycle g*ng?
At the beach.
- Oh, gee...
- Boy, those guys were big.
But still, still, still,
I think you should've
let me give you a hand.
Thank you very much, Wheezer.
Uh, you're welcome. For what?
For getting rid of those brutes.
You are some kind of man.
Ever since they moved the docks,
they've been bothering
my customers.
- For you.
- Well, actually, Carmine and Laverne here,
uh, got rid of them.
Well, in that case
you are still a man,
- but you are more of a man.
- (laughs): Oh...
And you, you are...
Don't say it. Just
pour the champagne.
- Mais oui.
- You may.
- Good fight.
- Here's to a good fight.
Yeah, good fight, good fight.
WHEEZER: No, that guy was
right when he called me a wimp.
Oh, come on? You?
You? A big like you?
- Oh...
- Come on, you're not a wimp.
Just because I'm a big guy
doesn't mean I'm a fighter.
Yeah, but still,
you must've been
in a million fights
as a kid, huh?
No, no, no, no, no, I didn't
fight at all when I was a kid.
I was the same size as I am
now when I was five years old.
Yeah, yeah.
So I never had to fight.
No one ever picked on me.
But, uh, when everyone
grew and caught up...
that's when I
realized I was a wimp.
I'm a wimp, wimp, wimp,
wimp, wimp, wimp, wimp!
Oh, come on, would you stop it?
- You're acting silly.
- Oh, yeah, that's me, a silly wimp.
(laughs): No,
you're not... silly.
(chuckles): Oh, you're
right. I'm just a wimp.
- Oh, you are not a wimp.
- No, I'm a wimp.
You're not. Just because you
don't want to fight those guys
doesn't mean
anything. Now, stop it.
- Stop it, stop it, stop, stop.
- (muttering): Laverne...
Laverne, Laverne, it's
not gonna help me at all.
I want you to call me a wimp.
Go ahead, call me a wimp.
No!
- Call me a wimp. Come on.
- No.
- I'm a wimp, I'm a wimp. Call me a...
- You're not a wimp.
Call me a wimp!
All right, you're a wimp!
- You're a cream puff!
- Oh-ho-ho!
Cream puff, huh?
I always thought that's
what you thought of me.
It is not what I thought of you,
it is what you
wanted me to call you.
I said... wimp, not cream puff!
Well, it's just an expression!
Oh, yeah? Well,
cream puff is terrible!
No, it's not. Well, why don't
you make up a list of what
you want me to call you and
then I'll read 'em back to you!
Oh, I think, uh, we're past
calling names, aren't we?
Why don't you just take
me down to the beach
and kick sand into my face!
- (pained groaning)
- What is it? What's the matter?
- Oh, my back.
- Aw, gee, are you okay?
Oh, no, I'm fine, I'm
fine. Cream puffs like me
hurt themselves with
pillows all the time.
- Oh, would you just stop it. Come on...
- Oh, oh, oh, my head,
my head, my head.
Oh, gee, how did
you get it there?
- Ow, my nose! Ow, my hair!
- Here.
- Will you stop whining, Wheezer?
- Oh, that's me.
I'm a whining, wheezing wimp.
Aw, gee, come
on, just relax, okay?
- (groans, coughs)
- Just relax. Okay, now,
- wheeze deep.
- (wheezing)
- That's it.
- (wheezing, coughing)
Okay.
Here, I'm gonna put
on a little music, okay?
- (gentle music plays)
- Don't put any wimp music on.
Will you stop it?
Now, I'm gonna go next-door
and borrow a heating
pad from Rhonda.
Someone's always
throwing their back out
- over there, okay?
- 'Kay.
She's right, wimp. Relax.
Relax, relax, relax.
♪♪
(gentle French-style
music playing)
♪♪
(loud slap)
♪♪
(snaps fingers)
(waltz playing)
(lively music playing)
(rhythmic slapping)
(waltz playing)
(music pauses)
(music resumes)
(music pauses)
(lively music playing)
(loud slap)
(music pauses)
(waltz playing)
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
(rhythmic slapping)
♪♪
(lively music playing)
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
(snaps fingers)
♪♪
(snapping fingers)
(loud slap)
(blowing)
(doors clattering)
Yeah. Ooh, I love this face.
Come on, Wheezer, wake up.
- Huh?
- Wake up.
- Oh. What?
- Here you go.
- I'm...
- You were sleeping like a baby.
- Oh.
- I got the heating pad.
- Oh.
- So, come on, let's get you upstairs.
(Wheezer groans)
And we'll lie you down,
and we'll fix your back.
Oh, I feel terrible, Laverne.
Oh, what is it?
- Ooh.
- Oh, your back hurt that bad?
No, no, it's my pride.
Oh, would you forget
about tonight? Come on.
Oh no, I can't! I can't. (sighs)
Okay, okay, well,
here, I'll sit down
and, uh, sit on me,
and I'll scoot you up.
All right. Uh...
- Here we go.
- All right, all right.
- All right?
- Okay. (groans)
All right, one,
two, three, scoot!
- Oh! (groans) Okay.
- Wait.
Oh! Oh, Laverne,
Laverne, I'm pathetic!
I had a dream that I
was in a fight, and I'd lost.
- Wheezer...
- I mean, I can't even win
- (Laverne groans)
- a fight in my dreams!
I don't even want
to go to sleep.
I can't even win
in my own dreams.
- Ow!
- Oh!
Aah. Well, at least
this won't go to waste.
Ooh! Oh! Oh.
- Pop.
- Oh.
There you are, my wonderful pop.
BOTH: Mmm!
I love you so much.
- Me, too. Hey.
- Oh.
Oh, look at you. You
are looking so good.
You, too.
Pop, I need a favor.
I knew.
You're so smart, you
read me like a book.
Hey, it's not so hard when
you're reading the same book
for 28 years, you
know what I mean?
Yeah.
All right, so what's
the problem?
Pop, the problem is Wheezer.
He feels real bad about not
fighting for me the other night.
He shouldn't feel so bad.
You can fight for yourself.
You know what to do.
You know the DeFazio uppercut.
Yeah, I know, Pop,
with the knee, yeah.
But, uh, you know, Pop,
not many guys are looking
for a girl who can
make them spit teeth.
He should feel very...
Sit over there.
He should feel very lucky
to have a girl like you.
What are you talking about?
Anyway, what do
you want from me?
Well, I need you to help him
give him his confidence back.
What am I, the Wizard of Oz?
No, Pop. I'm serious.
- I'm serious about this.
- Ah... (mumbles)
It's important to him to...
I don't know... To
protect me or something.
I mean, I don't
need his protection.
I can fight for myself, but,
well, it means a lot to him,
so I need your help.
What do... what do...
what do you want me to do?
Let him b*at me up? What?
No, that wouldn't prove nothing.
Uh, what I was really
hoping for was, well...
I thought maybe, you
know, you could talk to...
(over mic): one of those
guys you know from back East.
What are you, crazy?
(over mic): I don't know nobody.
I'm a stranger in this town.
I... I don't even know
where the East is.
(mumbles)
Come on, it's me, your
muffin, your 28-year-old book!
I know you know those guys.
(mumbling in Italian)
Those guys, those guys,
Pop... The ones who talk like that.
You know them!
(shouting): Not so loud!
What are you doing?
LAVERNE: Well, what
are you all staring at, huh?
Yeah.
We're having a nice little
private family discussion
between two people
who originally came
from London, England.
- They bought it, Pop.
- Sure, yeah.
Now, come on,
please help me, huh?
All right, all right, all right.
But first of all,
remember one thing.
- I don't know no guys who know guys.
- Uh-uh.
I don't know nobody who
knows nobody, understand?
Mm-hmm.
I don't even know Lewis is
coming here at 7:00 tonight.
- Okay?
- Okay, Lewis. 7:00. What then?
Just make sure that you
and Wheezer are here.
Okay.
Now Lewis is a tough guy,
so when he comes in
here, he's gonna bother you.
- Okay.
- Make sure Wheezer gets up and goes...
(makes silly noise)
gives him whack like that.
- Okay.
- And Lewis gonna fall on the floor.
You know why?
'Cause the fix is in!
WHEEZER: Laverne, you're
acting very strange tonight.
LAVERNE: Am I?
Yeah, it's not my
birthday or anything.
- What's going on?
- I don't know.
- Must be the moon.
- Oh, the moon?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
I don't know. It's something.
I don't know. Tonight
I feel sort of like a...
- Oh?
- I don't know.
A helpless little kitten.
Oh, up a tree?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Don't you feel like
a big, tough tiger?
Oh, a big, tough tiger?
Do I feel like a
big, tough tiger?
Nah.
Nah, I don't
even feel like ribs.
Oh, come on, just
order something then.
All right, all right.
Come on, come on,
come on. (mumbles)
That's her sitting over there.
She's cute.
What cute? That's my daughter!
Sorry, boss.
Come on. (mumbles)
Can't wait for them ribs.
Mmm, good ribs.
- Hey, hot stuff.
- (Wheezer coughs)
What's with the napkin?
You're ruining the view.
Aw, how dare you?!
That's a disgusting thing to do!
(Laverne mouthing)
I thought you'd love it...
but I'm better at my place.
- Let's go.
- WHEEZER: Whoa.
Hey, don't yank me around, huh?
- Not in front of my boyfriend, okay?
- (Wheezer coughs)
(Wheezer laughs nervously)
Boy, these ribs are
looking better every minute.
This wimp? He looks like
- he pencils in the hair on his chest.
- WHEEZER: Oh.
- Oh!
- Are you gonna take that?
That's not true!
Ow! Oh!
This is a very real hair.
That's very good,
honey, but he's still here.
Okay, okay, I
see he's still here.
All right, all right, buddy.
This room isn't big
enough for the three of us!
How about that, huh?
(yelling) Oh, oh.
Don't hurt my face!
Don't hurt my face, please!
Oh, oh.
Plenty of room now.
(Wheezer wheezes,
coughs and groans)
Take it easy, honey,
but you're gonna have
- to do a little better than that.
- (laughing): Hi.
What do you want me to do?
Do you want me to fight him?
Is that what you want me to do?
Well, I don't understand you.
The other night, you were upset
because you didn't defend me.
Now you got the perfect
opportunity, so come on.
- Why don't you go get him?
- I can get down.
I can get down by myself.
(laughs)
- LAVERNE: Go get him, honey.
- WHEEZER: Hey.
- Oh. (laughs)
- Ooh.
Ooh! (laughs)
You're an awfully big
palooka, aren't you, huh?
(laughs)
Look, buddy, I don't want
to fight, but if I have to, I will!
- Hey, hey.
- Ha!
I'm sorry. I-I'll...
Get down there!
I didn't know I would
cause so much trouble.
I wouldn't want to
fight a guy like you.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Get out of here! (laughs)
Oh, Wheezer. Wheezer!
Huh?
I'm so proud of you!
You biggie!
Ah, come on!
Oh, you were so great.
You were so great, you
scared the pants off of that guy.
Give me a break, Laverne!
What? You were wonderful!
Look at how big that guy was.
What would... what would
he be scared of a hot dog for?
Oh, it wasn't the hot dog.
- It was the way you shook it at him.
- Aw... shh.
And then you picked it
up, and you shook it again.
Come on, Laverne.
You set this up, didn't you?
- Me?
- Yeah. -Oh, I did not.
I don't know. Smells
like Laverne to me.
I never saw Lewis
before tonight in my life.
Oh! Oh? Did I hear "Lewis"?
I didn't see a name tag saying,
"Hello. My name is Lewis."
Well, he looked like a Lewis.
Oh, Laverne.
Well, what-what difference
does it make if I set it up?
- It makes a big difference!
- It does not!
You stood up to him, and
you didn't know he was a fake.
- I knew he was a fake.
- When?
The whole time.
I knew it when... when he
set me up on that counter
and didn't cram me
into the cash register.
Oh, Wheezer, I
don't understand you.
I don't know what you want.
Laverne, it's very important
to me to be able to protect you
if a guy like that
came by for real.
Oh...
I mean, if a guy
like... like that big guy
at the jukebox
there, if he came by...
You would be happy if
that guy in the red shirt
came over here and bothered me?
- Yes.
- Well, that is stupid.
It's only stupid 'cause
you think he'd k*ll me.
Well, I...
But maybe I can flatten that
bozo's nose, you know that?
- You talking about me?
- (Wheezer wheezes)
Oh, gee, uh, nah,
it's nothing personal.
My boyfriend here
was just saying
- if a guy like you came up and
bothered me, -(Wheezer groans)
he would flatten
his nose, that's all.
- (Wheezer laughs)
- Is that what you said?
Ooh. (laughs) No!
I was just sitting
down, having dinner.
Well, maybe I was
kind of joking around
with, uh, well, maybe...
Yeah, well, may...
Yeah, yeah, I said that.
Oh!
Oh, gee, Wheezer!
You come with me, honey.
What if I don't want
to come with you?
I'm not asking.
I'm telling. Let's go.
Okay, okay, you big hunk, you.
Just let me get my purse.
- Now get out of here!
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Go on, get out of here!
- Oh!
Go on!
- Oh, Wheezer, Wheezer.
- (Wheezer groans)
Mary, get some
ice, get some water.
Get anything, a
rag or something.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Will you?
- Oh, Wheezer.
- Oh.
- Wheezer, I feel terrible.
- Oh.
- LAVERNE: It's all my fault. Forgive me.
- WHEEZER: All right.
Well, don't take it out on
me. Stop slapping my face.
Oh, Laverne,
Laverne, I am a wimp.
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
I don't... I don't even know
why you bother with me.
Ah, gee, Wheezer,
you think I like you
because you're a tough
guy and you protect me?
Well, that's important.
Not to me, it's not.
- No?
- No.
I know you're a wimp.
Oh...
Look, Wheezer, don't you know
that I'm crazy
about you because,
well, because you're so sweet,
and you got, oh, the
biggest heart in the world?
Yeah?
Yeah, and when you
put your arms around me,
I feel like... I don't
know... Like a little girl.
- Yeah? No kidding?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah, well, uh... you're okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I like you, too.
You're, uh... you're
a pretty decent girl.
- Yeah, am I?
- Yeah, pretty good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
You know, I know
we've only been going out
for about four weeks now, but...
but I want to give you
something, Laverne.
Oh, Wheezer.
You know what I
want to give you?
I want to give you a
brand-new, rebuilt transmission.
Oh. Could you
just give me a kiss?
Mm.
That is guaranteed
for the life of your lips.
Okay, why don't you find
a table that isn't sticky?
- I'm gonna go wash up.
- Okay.
Let's see.
It's pretty sticky.
Yeah, this is good.
Oh.
Well, well, well.
(nervously): So, so, so.
I guess the other night
wasn't enough for you, wimp.
WHEEZER: Hey.
Hey, don't push your luck, man.
I'm an awfully dangerous
man when I haven't had a nap.
Oh, I'm gonna fix it so you'll
be taking a long, long nap.
Hey, look, buddy, you
know, I don't want to fight you.
Maybe we can just talk out
our differences, you know that?
I think it'd be...
Hey, uh, anything you say.
I don't, uh, want to
cause any trouble.
I see you learned your lesson.
You're a good man.
- Hey, sweetie!
- LAVERNE: Hi.
- Hey, guess what?
- What?
- You know what I just learned?
- What?
- I don't need to fight.
- LAVERNE: Oh?
No, you can talk
over your differences.
All you got to have is this,
and you don't need these.
Yeah, but it wouldn't
hurt to have one of these.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
08x09 - Of Mice and Men
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.