08x13 - The Baby Show

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

♪♪

(doorbell rings)

(doorbell ringing)

Ten-hut!

Right face!

Left face!

About face!

Present arms!

How do, DeFazio?

Why, Sergeant Plout,
you're here in my house.

Why?

I've been discharged, DeFazio.

- What?
- PLOUT: Yep.

Sergeant Alvinia T. Plout

and the United States Army

have had a parting of the ways.

Whew, do I fear
for this country.

Wait a second.

The army discharged you?

Why, that's like Santa
Claus getting rid of his elves.

I mean, I can't imagine
anything that you would do

that could get you discharged.

Try.

Oh!

How did you get like that?

I mean... I mean, I see it,

but I-I can't believe it.

Yeah.

Just look at me.

Eight months pregnant.

I can still shimmy
under that barbed wire

just as easily as
a hog rolls in slop.

And still, I can retain
my inner beauty.

But does the army care?

No.

Havin' a baby's a no-no.

Yeah, well, if you
had said "No, no,"

you wouldn't be having a baby.

Oh...

Gee, this place always
did make me feel at home.

You know, I-I'm real
glad you stopped by

and I wish you
could stay a little bit,

but I imagine you want to
get back to your husband

for that magic moment.

No, I ain't got no husband.

- Huh?
- No.

Left him last month.

You want a pickle?

I guess so.

Yeah, it was never meant to be.

It was purely a physical thing.

Yeah, I can see that.

I should have known better.

Them mixed marriages
are tough to make work.

He was black?

No, navy.

He was dark blue?

- He was in the navy, DeFazio!
- Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

I don't know, I
thought you were...

Lord. Anyway, I thought I'd come

and bunk in with
you gals for a while.

Seeing as how I
got no man in my life,

I knew we'd have
a lot in common.

Yeah, well, actually...

actually, you have a
lot in common with Shirl.

You see, she got
married and pregnant,

and she moved away
with her husband.

- No kidding?
- Yeah.

Feeney nabbed
herself a man, huh?

- Mm-hmm.
- What'd she do?

She finally break down and
buy one of them bust developers?

No, no, actually, he
was a dimple man.

But, uh, he was army.

He was in the army,

and boy, would you love him.

Look, why don't I give
you Shirl's address?

You could stop in on
her, she's just overseas.

Why don't I just sleep on it?

And being as how
Feeney isn't here

and you got the extra room,

why don't I just
sleep on it here?

Oh, well, I really am
not prepared for guests.

I know that, and I wouldn't
want to put you out,

so I brought my own sheets.

(whistling "Reveille")

Ooh, ah, ah, ah.

Ah... ah, ah, ah... whoo!

(playing "Reveille")

Oh, what? What?

Did I wake you?

Oh, no!

No, no!

I always get up at
5:30 in the morning

to apologize to my neighbors.

Well, while you're at it,

why don't you invite
'em for breakfast?

I made plenty here.

Oh, my Lord, Sarge,

you made enough for an...

Oh... I know.

Where do you think
I learned this recipe?

Hey, hey, look,

you have to start doing
a little adjusting, here.

There's only two of us.

Yeah, you probably won't
want to look in the refrigerator

and see how much
orange juice I made.

Aw, gee...

Pass up that syrup
there, will you?

Syrup? Wha...

But...

Look at the size of this can!

PLOUT: Isn't that great?

LAVERNE: Yeah.

Now look here, Alvinia...

Alvinia?

Ooh, I ain't gonna
like this, am I?

Well, look, you're...
you're a civilian now.

And your baby's
gonna be a civilian.

You gotta start changing
the way you think.

Yeah, I know, this adjusting
just isn't gonna be very easy.

Oh, it'll be fine.

I can't be staying
here, driving you crazy.

That's true.

I guess I'd better go out

and look for a room.

Here, why don't you
start with the circled ones?

I did a little homework
for you last night.

I don't have any
money for a room.

Of course, I guess I could
use the paper to find me a job.

Don't know who's gonna hire

a woman in my condition, though.

But I guess I could go
on down to the beach

and scrounge up a
few deposit bottles.

Nah.

You know how a pregnant
woman looks down at the beach.

All the kids yelling,
"Hey, Shamu!"

Shamu?

What kind of a name is that?

I was gonna name
my baby Laverne.

You were what?

Put little "L" s
on all the diapers.

You were going to
name your baby after me?

Well, you are my
very dearest friend

in the whole world, ain't you?

No!

Well...

well, okay, I-I guess
you could stay here

for a couple of days.

Well, you sure
took your sweet time

coming up with that idea.

Come on, I want you to
know that this is, this is just...

this is just till I
can get on my feet

and start getting
ready for the baby.

Yeah? Well, there's
something else

I read in the paper
that might help you out.

Listen to this...

uh, Dr. Goods Baby
Food is sponsoring

a mother-to-be contest down
at Mayfield's Department Store.

Listen to these great prizes.

A crib, a playpen,

a portable potty,

and a lifetime supply
of Dr. Goods Baby Food.

Who would eat baby food
all their lives, I don't know,

- but there you go.
- Dr. Goods.

Well, I'll be.

Well, I ain't gonna
let a bunch of

fat-bellied women b*at
me out of these great prizes.

I'm gonna start getting
in shape right now.

What do you say we go
out and run a few miles?

Uh-uh, Sarge.

You're not in the army anymore.

Well, all the better. We
won't have to wait for

the rest of the platoon
to catch up with us.

Now, hut-hut-hut-hut,
move it, left-right, left-right.

On your feet,
let's go, left-right.

- Go...
- But-but look.

I mean, I'm in my
P.J.s and my fuzzies.

It's 5:30 in the morning!

There's nobody in their
right mind out there.

Come on, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut, hut, hut...

(knocking at door)

What a sense of humor you got.

Hi, Pop.

Just get back from the
Caribou Lodge meeting?

No, I was trying to
make it with a moose.

Oh, gee.

Come here.

The meeting didn't
go so hot, huh?

No, that Grand Caribou Ryan,

he wouldn't appoint
me sergeant at arms.

Oh, that's terrible.

You'd make a great
sergeant at arms.

Who could yell "shut
up" better than you?

His brother-in-law, that's who.

Oh. Well, what job did you get?

Chairman of the
Funeral Committee.

What?

The Funeral Committee!

If somebody dies,

I got to make sure
they give the respects

to a dead Caribou,
with all that he deserves!

(Frank muttering)

Yeah, well, you
got to respect a man

who would go through life
wearing one of them hats.

- Here, hold on.
- Now...

But look at the bright side.

As a Funeral Committee chairman,

you probably wouldn't
have to work that often.

Are you kidding me?

Do you know how old
some of these guys are?

They call me Junior.

I hate this character Ryan.

He's power-hungry!

Yeah? Well, if
everybody hates him,

how did he win
the election, huh?

What election?

We went to the
top of the mountain,

you bump heads, and
he's the last one standing.

Boy, I'm sure glad you
never joined a g*n club.

Howdy, DeFazio.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey!

What do I look like?

A coat rack.

As long as you work here,

remember one thing.

You never hang
a hat on your boss!

You got a job here?

Yeah.

From now on, instead
of giving orders,

I'm gonna be taking them.

Pop!

- FRANK: Yeah?
- You gave her a job?

- Yeah.
- That is so good of you.

You are such a
good little caribou.

Yeah, well, good, she's great.

What a terrific day, huh?

I'm tickled pinker
than a pig's behind.

Not only did I get
me a terrific job,

but I registered us

in that mothers-to-be
contest tomorrow night.

Oh, that's terrif...

Wait, you registered us?

Us you registered?

Wait, um, us is not pregnant.

- You is pregnant.
- (telephone ringing)

FRANK: I'll get it. I'll get it.

And besides, I got a date
with a guy named Steve.

Now, DeFazio, I know
that you are intending

on having children someday,

so technically that
makes you a mother-to-be.

Now, I figured this out.

If we both enter the contest,

then we double the
chances of winning.

Hey, Laverne, a guy
called Steve just called up.

He can't make it tomorrow night.

Well, this is great!

Now you can be in the contest.

Well, thanks to Steve, I
just became a mother-to-be.

I'll k*ll him!

- Who is he?!
- No, no! Pop! Pop!

Pop! No, no, no!

♪♪

(whispering): DeFazio!

Get in here.

What are you doing, browsing?

Get in here, front and center.

Come on.

Oh, I-I don't know if my being
pregnant was such a good idea.

Well, it's a little late for
that now, wouldn't you say?

(laughing)

She's just a tad nervous.

Yeah, you'd be nervous, too,

if you were in your 12th month.

Isn't she something?

She's lost her figure, but
not her sense of humor.

(quietly): Will you get
over there and sit down?

But I don't have a baby.

Take a baby and go sit.

Well, now you don't have a baby.

I'll talk to her about
getting a baby, all right?

- Excuse me...
- Good afternoon, mothers.

(laughs)

And welcome to
Dr. Goods Baby Foods

mother-to-be contest.

I don't have a baby.

I'll get you one.

Now, if all you mothers

will just step up
to the bathinettes,

I'll take care of you.

She'll take care of me.

I want a boy, if you have one.

I want a son.

I'm sorry.

We seem to be all out of babies.

So you'll have to
take a pig or a duck.

Uh, since I don't know
what your husband looks like,

you'll have to pick.

She'll take the pig.

Why, you don't want
to nurse a duck, do ya?

Ladies, the object of this
contest is to give your babies...

Or pig... a bath,

diaper them, feed them,
and put them to bed.

But here's the catch:

you've got to do it
all in two minutes.

Well, sh**t, if it was a r*fle,

I could take it apart, put
it together blindfolded,

but this pig don't
have no parts.

(laughs) I can't
believe you got a pig.

She's got a pig.

And this Friday, ladies,
the top three finalists

will compete for
the grand prize.

But remember, this little
race is all in fun, okay?

In fun.

All right, get ready, get set,

ladies, wash your babies!

Wash your pig.

I'm washing a pig here.

Wash fast.

I guess that would
be called a "hogwash."

Well, look at her. Boy, you
sure got this down good.

Better than good.
I have five kids.

I won this contest last year

and I'm gonna win again
this year, so just bug off, fatso!

Fatso? Did you
hear her call me...

- Now, calm down! Ignore her!
- I want to wring her neck!

And go back to washing your pig.

You better watch it, lady,

or all you'll be able
to chew is baby food.

- I told her.
- Thanks, DeFazio.

I-I-I got no towel.
I need a towel.

Well, just blow it dry, will ya?

Come on. We're falling
behind here. Come on.

Well, he's got to spit it first.

Hurry up, ladies.
You're losing time.

- Losing time.
- Losing time here. Hurry up.

Start diapering.

- Diapering.
- Diapering a pig, okay.

Next thing you know,
I'll be diapering a cow.

Say, that's not a
bad idea, you know?

You could walk
barefooted through the fields

in the summertime.

Looky here, DeFazio,
it's a pig in a blanket.

Okay, 40 seconds.
Time to feed you babies.

- Feed you baby.
- Feed your pig.

But don't forget
to burp them first.

I'll feed a pig, but I'll be
damned if I'll burp him.

Come on. Just
take the pig, Plout,

just pick it up on
your shoulders like this

and then give it a little burp.

Like that.

30 seconds.

Plout, watch this.

Will you... up?

Come on! Come on!

I want to win this
thing now! Come on!

- Okay, okay.
- Now how am I gonna feed this?

This thing ain't got
a hole anywhere.

Well, then eat it yourself.

It's Tapioca Surprise.
It's my very favorite.

Try this. You're gonna love it.

I don't want it!
I don't want it!

Just eat it.

- Reminds me of K rations.
- Yeah, good.

Well, look at you go.

Doesn't that hurt the baby none?

It's a doll, Plout, it's a doll.

Come on, mothers!

You only have five seconds
left for pacifiers and bedtime!

Let's go!

I need a pacifier
for my pig here.

It's got stuff in his eye.

I don't know where
to stick it, but just...

Let me get one here.

- First!
- Second! -Third!

Fourth! Dang it all!

I won! I won! I won!

Oh-oh-oh-ho, I don't
think so. (laughs)

Oh, well, (laughs)

where did this pillow come from?

Come on. You're a big girl.

You know where
pillows come from.

This is a mother-to-be contest,
strictly for mothers-to-be.

Well, now just a minute.

Just because DeFazio
here isn't pregnant right now,

doesn't mean that she
isn't a mother-to-be.

Yeah, I been trying real hard.

I-I mean, I do hope to
be a mother someday.

- And-and technically...
- You're out!

Yeah, that's the
technical term, you're out.

That's puts me in first place.

That means I'm second.

I'm third! I'm a finalist,
DeFazio, we did it!

Don't jump. Don't
jump. Don't jump around!

Now come on. Let's go.

What are you doing?

Well, it's rush hour.

I want to get a seat on the bus.

Good thinking.

Hey, ladies, just got
a call from the lodge.

LAVERNE: Yeah?

I got good news, I got bad news.

The Grand Caribou Ryan is dead.

- Oh...
- Oh...

Gee, Pop, gee, I'm sorry.

Well, what's the good news?

That was the good news.

The bad news is I
gotta bury the bum.

I need both your help.

Uh-oh, no way, Pop.
I draw the line at birds

and turtles in the backyard.
I'm not digging no grave.

I don't need that kind of help.

I need the three of you to
go down tomorrow afternoon

at 3:00 to the funeral.
That's what I need.

I need a lot of sad faces.

Well, okay, Pop, I can make it,

but, uh, Plout
here's got the finals

to the mother-to-be contest,
so it's impossible for her.

DeFazio, impossible is
what the army does best.

That's the spirit!

All right now, here's the plan.

1500 hours, we sign
the guest register,

1510, we pay our last respects,

1520, we shed a
phony tear for this guy,

and then 1530,
we're out the door.

We're on our way to the contest,
and you can come with me.

That's great. That's two.

I need a little
more, like, four.

I know what. Why don't
the two of you run around

and make it look crowded?

Oh, calm down, Pop.

Everything will be
okay. Just relax, okay?

That's what the doctor
told the Grand Caribou.

"Go to the mountains, relax."

Uh! They forgot to tell him
it was the hunting season.

(laughs)

(organ playing)

My feet are
starting to swell up.

Could we please get our...?

Could we get our grief in
gear and get out of here?

The contest starts
in 35 minutes.

Okay. May he rest in peace.

- Amen. We're out of here.
- All right.

Where you going? I'm
about to do my eulogy.

Pop, can you make it quick?

Yeah, sure.

Sit down, sit down.

Brother Caribou, we really
never know and appreciate a man

until he's gone.

Now that he's gone,
we appreciate him.

Now it's time to
say a final good-bye

to our dear departed... guy.

Make it quick.

And come on, fake it, fake it.

Be sad, be sad. Walk around...

- Come on, Sarge.
- All right.

Just do it. Get it over with.

And make it look good.

Oh!

Oh, come on, not that good.

(groans) It hurts.

Oh, come on.

(groans loudly)

I can't stand it!

Come on. You didn't
even know the guy.

DeFazio, I'm in labor.
I'm having this baby!

- No!
- Oh!

You can't be! You're not
due for another month!

Swear to God, hope to die.

Don't say that at this place!

What are you,
what are you doing?

- You're taking the fun out of the funeral.
- Pop...

- (groans)
- Can I help?

Yes, yes, get an ambulance!

Oh, I'm afraid it's
too late for that.

Believe me, the doctors did
everything they could for him.

No, not for him, for her!

Please, you got to hurry.
I'm having this baby.

(groans)

FRANK: Folks, hey,
isn't it wonderful?

We're all gonna witness
the birth of a baby.

I'm gonna call an ambulance
and get some cigars.

Okay. Is there a
doctor in the house?!

Yes, there's Morry in the back.

He's kind of a doctor.

- No, not Morry, not Morry.
- No, not Morry.

- I'm a doctor.
- You're a doctor?

In fact, I was the
Grand Caribou's doctor.

- Oh...
- Oh...

Well, I wouldn't
advertise that, Doc.

Should I get Morry?

BOTH: No, not Morry!

- No, not Morry!
- Please, not Morry!

Please, you gotta hurry here!

(groans)

All right, let's get her down
and get her comfortable.

Get her down, get her
comfortable. Come on.

Good idea. Get her
down, get her comfortable.

Ah! Ah! It's coming.

- It's coming?
- It's coming!

- It's coming!
- (groans)

Okay, where should
we put her down?

- Put her on the folding chairs.
- On the folding chairs.

Oh! How's she gonna be
comfortable on folding chairs?!

How is she gonna be
comfortable on folding chairs?

Maybe I should just get Morry.

- BOTH: No, not Morry!
- No, Morry!

Did somebody call me, hmm?

- Oh!
- Keep him away from me!

- Get her up!
- Get her up!

Get her up! Get her up!

- Oh, set her down!
- Set her down! Set her down!

Get out... (groans)

I've got an idea. Morry...

- Oh, DeFazio.
- Take it easy, take it easy.

Does this mean I'm gonna
miss the mothers-to-be contest?

Don't worry about that.

Just means you'll never
have to diaper for a pig again.

Oh, let's hope not.

- We had an empty out back.
- We'll take it.

- We'll take it.
- We'll take it.

Oh, DeFazio, don't leave me.

- I don't think I can.
- Please don't lea... Whoa!

Morry, Morry,
don't lift me, Morry!

- (Plout sobs)
- Wait. Scoot back.

Okay, now, come
on. Don't cry, don't cry.

Just pretend it's
a nice soft bed.

(sobbing): I ain't upset.

These are tears of joy.

Oh...

- Oh, DeFazio.
- What?

I just realized what's
happening here.

I'm having my baby.

Yeah.

This is the happiest
moment of my life.

Oh...

I just hope to God this little
sucker don't have my lips.

Don't worry. It's
gonna be beautiful.

Okay, now just relax,
stay calm, take it easy,

and let nature take its course.

Oh! Those are the
same exact words

that got me into this mess!

(groaning)

Okay, okay, now, Pop,
Pop, if you can't say, "Dada"

or drool, get out of
the sh*t! Come on.

- With the baby.
- Yes.

- Huh?
- Great.

(baby crying)

Come on in, come on in. Yeah.

I don't know when I've had
so much fun at a baptism.

I tell ya, I'm just
so tickled proud

that you two could
be the godparents.

Aw, come on. It was our honor.

Besides, how often do you get

to christen a baby
"Colonel Goober L. Plout"?

Oh, yeah. After my daddy.

Except the "L" is for Laverne.

sh**t, he's gonna
be so plumb pleased

when I pull into town
with this little soldier.

Now, I don't know
how to thank you two.

You've done so much for me.

Oh, go on. It was our pleasure.

Plus we're not
through. Tell her, Pop.

Well, according to the
Caribou constitution,

anybody born during
a Caribou function

is automatically an
honorary member for life.

And I got here... this
here is for the little colonel.

PLOUT: Oh, there.

FRANK: A little hat
for the little ol' colonel.

Look at that.

- Oh...
- Now he's good.

Smile, Goober. Say cheese.

FRANK: The little son of
a g*n looks like Squiggy.

He does not!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪