08x14 - The Rock and Roll Show

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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08x14 - The Rock and Roll Show

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Hi.

(groaning)

"You and Your Ulcer."

Okay...

"Congratulations
on your new ulcer."

Thanks.

"An ulcer is nothing to
be ashamed of." Well...

"Many famous
people have had them.

"Robert E. Lee, Teddy Roosevelt,

and both Wilbur
and Orville Wright."

Wait a minute. These
people are all dead.

- Hi, Laverne.
- Hi, Chuck.

Hey, uh, Laverne,
you feeling any better?

No.

No? Did you go see the doctor?

- Yeah.
- Did he give you anything?

Yes.

He gave you those, huh?

Yeah.

Hmm. If I open 'em,
could I have one?

No.

It's medicine.

The doctor gave them to me.

It's for my ulcer.

Ulcer?

You got a ulcer?
How'd you get a ulcer?

I don't know.

I guess stress,
tension, overwork.

You know something, Laverne?

You know, you know
what really relaxes me

when I'm feeling really tense?

The shock treatments?

Yeah.

They're nice, but
they're expensive.

What really relaxes
me is a little bit of music.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. (clears throat)

Listen.

(playing Beethoven's
Symphony No. 5)

(Laverne exclaiming)

Look at that!

Oh, boy, Chuck, you know,

you really know how
to blow that thing.

Oh, it's nothing,
really, Laverne.

You know, my first
instrument is the tuba,

but, you know, I
can't carry it around

'cause it leaves such
a bulge in my pocket.

Yeah, Chuck.

No, I'm serious.

You're real good on that.

You know, you should
think of going professional,

like join a band or something.

Oh, I don't think so, Laverne.

I like to play music
for fun, you know?

But when you
play professionally,

that's a whole
different situation.

Yeah, well, that's
what Bob Dylan said

before he started
making $2 million a year.

How much?

$2 million.

$2 million a year?

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Listen to this one, Laverne.

(playing fast blues song)

Aw, Carmine, I don't know...

I can't take this new
ulcer diet any longer.

Do you know that the spiciest
food I can eat on that is...

is lime Jell-O?

I mean, what am I
gonna wash it down with,

Pepsi and Milk of Magnesia?

No Pepsi, Laverne.

If you get any more gas,

we're going to have
to call you Texaco.

- Thank you, thank you very much.
- Hey...

Look, Laverne, I'm your friend.

So I'm gonna stay here

and make sure you eat
nothing but bland, tasteless food.

Thank you very
much, pal o' mine.

Ah, don't mention it.

Okay.

What kind of cottage
cheese would you like?

Small curds or large curds?

No curds for me, Miss Muffet.

I brought something
special for me.

What's that?

That's a sausage and
cheese sandwich I, uh...

That little Italian place
right around the corner

from your doctor's...
They make it homemade.

Oh, it's so good,
it's like you...

it's like you d*ed
and went to Heaven.

Give me some of that!

No!

You would die and go to Heaven.

Be a good girl and, uh,

eat your curds
before they get bad.

- (blissful): Mmm...
- (sickly): Mmm...

Mm-mmm!

Mm-mm...

Can I at least have a smell?

Laverne, do me a favor.

Don't t*rture
yourself, all right?

(muffled): You got any beer?

Can I have some beer?

Yeah.

Uh, there's some in
the refrigerator, Carmine.

Why don't you help yourself?

- It's in the back.
- Oh, okay.

- Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
- (Laverne grunting)

(screaming)

What'd you do that for?

I'm just try... look, you
want to k*ll yourself?

Go ahead, k*ll
yourself, I don't care.

- k*ll yourself.
- Okay.

- I can't let you do it.
- Oh, come on, Carmine.

Please, let me. Allow me.

Please, if I die,

I want "Italian hero" written
on my tombstone, please.

- Mmm...
- (doorbell rings)

What'd you do?

Order pizza for dessert
just to t*rture me, huh?

That's not a bad idea.

Come in!

Laverne, guess what.

- I got fantastic news.
- What?

I took the advice you gave me.

I got together with
some guys from work

and I formed my own band.

Did you? Oh,
that's terrific, Chuck.

Do you want to take
my advice again?

- Okay.
- Go get me a meatball sandwich,

extra sauce and
onions on it, okay?

Laverne, Laverne, Laverne?

No, no, no, no, no.

Those meatballs are
deadly, they'll k*ll you.

Why don't you mind your
own business, okay, Carmine?

Hey, I'm just trying
to help you out.

Carmine, I'm sorry. I
didn't mean to jump on you.

I know you were just
trying to help me. I'm sorry.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Good enough.

(Carmine grunting)

Oh, come here.

Get it out! No, no, no...

That's it. I'm
getting out of here.

I can't stand to see
you like this, Laverne.

Oh, please, Carmine,
I'm sorry, wait a second.

Please, I'm sorry.

I apologize for my
repulsive behavior.

- I really do.
- Yeah?

- Please forgive me.
- All right.

- Give me that.
- (Carmine grunting)

At least give me a
little bit of it, a little bit.

You've gone too far, Laverne.

Never forget that a
man's mouth is his castle.

Get a bite.

- Oh...
- Gee!

That's too bad
Carmine had to leave.

Now, you know, now he's not
gonna be able to hear the band.

Yeah, that's too bad.

What band?

The band, Laverne.

LAVERNE: Oh...

These are the smartest
guys at work, Laverne.

Three of them have
won a Nobel Prize,

and the other one, he wins
the football pool every Sunday.

Oh, that's nice.

So, this is your band.

CHUCK: Yeah.

Okay, Laverne, have
a seat, have a seat,

and we'll play you our,
uh, one of our tunes.

Okay.

One, two, three,
four, five, six...

(playing classical music)

(yawns)

- Laverne?
- Huh?

Oh, oh, that was just lovely.

Yeah, great, huh?

So when do you think we
can get the two million bucks?

Oh, uh, Chuck...

No, Chuck, the music you
guys are playing is real classy,

you know, real intellectual.

You won't make a dime with it.

The big money
is in rock and roll.

Rock and roll?

Laverne, would you just
excuse me for a minute

while I assimilate a little
data with my colleagues here?

Sure, I'll go assimilate
some curds over here.

(indistinct chatter)

CHUCK: Hey, Laverne,
I took your advice,

and I got a couple more guys,

and we're ready
to rock and roll.

Okay, you guys ready?

One, two, three, four...

(playing Beethoven's
Symphony No. 5)

(segues into The
Kingsmen's "Louie Louie")

♪ Oh, Louis, Louis ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ We've got to go now ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ Louis, Louis ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ We've got to go now. ♪

(music trails off)

Well, let's just stop
for a minute here.

We don't want to
over-rehearse, now, do we?

Yeah, that was fantastic, guys.

That was really great. You
know something, Laverne?

All this time we thought we
couldn't play rock and roll?

- Uh-huh.
- And we owe it all

- to you, Laverne.
- No, Chuck.

Please, please.

Don't give me credit for that.

But, Laverne,
didn't you care for

our rendition of "Louis Louis"?

Well... since you brought it up,

it isn't "Louis Louis."

It's... ♪ Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Me gotta go. ♪

Oh, really?

Well, I wouldn't kid
you on a thing like that.

Uh, look, Chuck, I-I...

Look, all of you, you know,
as classical musicians,

you're just terrific.

But rock and roll is
a whole nother thing.

Look, Chuck, I don't
think I can help you.

But, Laverne,
you-you were the one

that told me I
should start a band.

Yeah, I know, but I think that,
instead of going professional,

you should keep this as a hobby.

Trust me, okay?

Laverne, I-I do trust you.

- We all trust you, Laverne.
- (sighs)

That's why we quit our jobs.

LAVERNE: Okay, guys, we
got a lot of work to do, okay?

Now, Carmine here is a singer,
so he's gonna help us out here.

Listen, guys, uh...
(clears throat) you want

to move around a little,
you know, show a little life.

Let these people out
there kn-know you're alive.

You look like dead
people standing up.

Caruso over here,
listen, this is not opera.

(sings operatic
note) That stuff is out.

This is rock and roll.

You got to move
a little, all right?

Feel free to take the mic
off the stand, move around,

show the people you know
what you're doing, all right?

♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T ♪

♪ Don't know what
it means to me ♪

♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T ♪

♪ Take time to TCB ♪

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me, sock
it to me, sock it to me ♪

♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T, respect! ♪

Ow!

Carmine, you can
get off your knees now.

- CARMINE: Carmine can't get up.
- Huh?

Carmine will now
crawl to his apartment

and take the splinters
out of his beautiful knees.

LAVERNE: Oh.

Uh, well-well, don't worry,
you'll wear knee pads, okay?

- Sure.
- Now, lead guitar,

you got to treat this
instrument like it was a woman.

But I have even less
experience with them.

Look, I don't have time to teach
you everything, okay? Come on.

Give me this for a
minute. Look, now,

I can't play, technically,
the notes or anything,

but it's all in the
attitude, you know?

You just got to get the
attitude, you know, get tough.

(playing guitar)

No, no, no, no,
no, not all of you!

Wait, not all of you.

What are you... crazy?!

Get that drum off of your face!

What's the matter with you?

(sighs)

Please! Stomach...

Here, you work on that.

You, keyboard player.

Now, first of all...

stay standing, never sit down.

Play standing up like this.

And sweat a lot and smile.

Then you can even
play it backwards like this.

Okay?

Then you can play with
your elbow... like that.

You can even
play with your nose.

Don't play with your nose.

Bad idea.

Okay, bass guitar.

Okay.

Um, can you see
without these things?

Um, no.

Good, just stare off into space.

That's what all bass
players do anyway.

Okay, you with the drums.

Once you get a
full set, it'll hide you.

Okay, come down.

Horns... horns.

Okay, pretend you guys are
watching a tennis match, okay?

Now, look at the
ball, look at the ball

look at the ball,

look at the ball,
look at the ball.

That's it, now move your feet.

Like you're skating,
like you're skating.

Forget it, just watch
the tennis match.

If you skate
you'll hurt yourself.

Okay?

Now, let's try it again

with all the movements, okay?

You ready? One, two,

one, two, three, four!

♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T ♪

♪ Don't know what ♪

♪ It means to me ♪

♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T... ♪

LAVERNE: Stop!

Stop, please, stop!

Please, stop!

Look, guys...

I can't help you.


You need someone a lot
brighter than me to help you.

Well, spit in the ocean
and hand me a paddle.

I got you guys a job.

You got them a job?

- A money-paying job, yeah.
- Oh, Squiggy, thank you so much.

Uh, but I don't know if these
guys are ready to play yet.

When's it for?

Well, they'd better be ready
because it's pretty soon.

Hey, say, fellas, why
don't we load up the bus?

You guys go
onstage in 20 minutes.

What... what? 20 minutes?

Uh, my watch is a little
slow. Better make that 19.

- Let's go, boys.
- 19 minutes?

What... where's my
purse? Where is... what...?

Excuse me, Andrew Squiggman
sent me, I'm with the band.

- Gee, you speak English very well.
- Well, why shouldn't I?

He told me about those five
Gold Records you had in France.

France. Uh, yeah,
well, I wouldn't

make a big deal out of that.

In France they kiss
you on both cheeks

and give you a Gold Record.

Come on in, guys,
let's go, over here.

Hey, listen, get them
into their costumes.

Costumes?

You go make these
announcements out there, all right?

Why... what... why am I
making these announcements?

To make my life a little
bit easier. Now hurry up.

- Oh, hurry up.
- We have to wear costumes?

- Well, I don't know.
- Oh, I want to be Superman.

Not tonight, okay?

Here, here, here, here.
Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, guys, just pick
out some costumes.

Well, what are you
going to do, Laverne?

I got to make that
guy's life easier, okay?

All right.

(applause, whooping)

(whistling)

Hello.

(whooping)

Well, they sent me out here
to make some announcements,

so here I am. Uh...

Oh, well, we have
some good news.

There was a baby born
at the concert here tonight.

A bouncing baby girl.

And in the honor
of this concert,

they have named
her Section Five.

(cheering and whistling)

Okay, and one last
announcement here.

Uh, we regret to inform
you that the Rolling Stones

will not appear tonight.

(crowd jeering)

Oh, what a bummer, huh?

Oh, okay.

Appearing in their place...

(chuckles) Who are they kidding?

Who could replace
the Rolling Stones, huh?

Well, a-a wonderful
new band from France.

France. Uh... The, uh, the...

A Bunch of Guys from France.

(crowd jeering)

Guys, they're serious out there.

They're throwing chickens.

What are we going to do?

Okay, Laverne,
just leave it to me.

Fellas, come here a second.

(indistinct chatter)

- Okay, Laverne.
- What?

We've discussed
the situation at length,

and I think I've come to
a conclusive conclusion.

- What's that?
- Look, I-I think we know what you want.

Like, you want us to play this
sort of weird music we heard

in the van on the way over here.

You mean on the radio?
You listened to the radio?

Yes, that's exactly what I
want. That's what I want.

In theory that would
be very simple.

Let's get downward and do it.

Yes, let's get
downward and do it.

Downward and do it.

Chuck, can these guys
get downward and do it?

Of course we can, Laverne.

We can do anything.

We are men of science.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, A Bunch of Guys from France.

(rhythmic clapping)

♪♪

♪ You know, your love ♪

♪ Is liftin' me higher ♪

♪ Than I have ever
been lifted before ♪

- (crowd cheers)
- ♪ Just keep it up ♪

♪ Quenchin' my desire ♪

♪ And I'll be by your side ♪

♪ Forevermore ♪

♪ I say, your love ♪

♪ Just keeps on ♪

♪ Yeah, liftin' me higher ♪

♪ Higher ♪

♪ Just keep it up ♪

♪ Keep it up ♪

♪ And I'll be by
your side, yeah ♪

Listen to me, now.

♪ Once, I was so downhearted ♪

♪ Disappointment
was my only friend ♪

♪ But you came along, oh ♪

♪ That soon departed ♪

♪ And I'm never gonna
pass that way again ♪

♪ Because your love ♪

♪ Just keeps on ♪

♪ Yeah, liftin' me
higher, higher ♪

♪ Well, just keep it up ♪

♪ Just keep it up ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, and
I'll be by your side ♪

(crowd screams)

♪ I say, your love ♪

♪ I say, your love ♪

♪ It's your love,
it's your love ♪

♪ It's your love just
keeps on liftin' me ♪

♪ Just keeps on liftin' me ♪

♪ I love you, baby, yeah ♪

♪ Your love is
liftin' me higher ♪

♪ Than I have ever
been lifted before ♪

♪ Keep it up ♪

♪ Quenching my desire ♪

♪ And I'll be by your side. ♪

(whoops)

(crowd whooping, whistling)

Hey, not bad for a bunch
of guys from France, huh?

(cheering, whistling)

Take a bow, boys.

No, not to me, to them, to them.

Thank you.

You were great.
You were just great.

You know that?

- Great.
- Fellas, fellas, you were fantastic.

I just got a deal
for you guys to, uh,

be the opening act at, uh,

the Save the Whales
Concert at Marine Land.

The only thing is, fellas,
they, uh, wonder if you could

do something original. You
know what I mean? Uh...

Something like that you
made up by yourself, you know?

Original songs, you're
saying original songs.

Original songs,

that's, that's what
I'm looking for, yeah.

Would you excuse me one second?

- You've got it.
- Fellas?

(indistinct chatter)

- I think we're ready.
- You are?

A brand-new tune
we just composed.

- They just composed one, let's hear it.
- Let's go, okay.

LAVERNE: Once again,
ladies and gentlemen,

A Bunch of Guys from France.

(crowd cheers, applauds)

(whistling)

SINGER: Come
on, help us out now.

Come on.

One time.

(whoops)

♪♪

♪ Put the key in ignition ♪

♪ Put your foot on the floor ♪

♪ Disengage transmission ♪

♪ Hear my muffler roar ♪

♪ Just try to stay
out of trouble ♪

♪ My mother called out to me ♪

♪ But out on that
Hollywood Freeway ♪

♪ I let my radio scream ♪

♪ When I got to the nightclub ♪

♪ I thought I'd
take me a chance ♪

♪ They were dancing
on the sidewalk ♪

♪ To some new soul band ♪

♪ I said, uh ♪

♪ Is this the cardiac party? ♪

♪ She said ♪

♪ And I said, yeah! ♪

(whoops)

♪ Gonna do the
heart att*ck dance ♪

(whoops)

♪ Yeah. ♪

(crowd cheering, whistling)

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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