08x17 - The Ghost Story

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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08x17 - The Ghost Story

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Come on, Laverne.

If you don't get there on
time, you're going to be late.

- Hey, Rhonda.
- Hi.

What kind of singles
weekend is Laverne going on

where she needs to
borrow 50 feet of rope, huh?

She's going mountain climbing.

It's the latest
thing for singles.

At that altitude, the men only
have to buy the women one drink.

(gear clanking)

I know what you're
thinking, Carmine,

but a lot of guys
find this sexy.

Laverne, why are you doing this?

I mean, what can
you do on a mountain

that you can't do down here?

Well, first of all,

there's introductions
at 2,000 feet,

hors d'oeuvres at 4,000 feet,

and dinner at
eight... thousand feet.

Oh, there's my purse.

Laverne, it's freezing up there.
You're all gonna get frostbite.

Then your toes are gonna
fall off, and then what?

Well, then I guess they'll
cancel the dance at the top.

Rhonda knew this girl who,

uh, went mountain climbing
and met this really neat guy.

They fell in love.

See, Carmine?
Nothing to worry about.

CARMINE: Eh.

Well, maybe I
should rephrase that.

They were in
love when they fell.

You hear that,
Laverne? You hear that?

Now, you got any idea
what falling on your head

at 10,000 feet can
do to a person?

Hello. Laverne, I
rushed right over

as soon as I got your phone
call telling me to rush right over.

Something weird going
on in your apartment?

Because I'd like
to be part of it.

What weird?

What...?

That weird.

While I'm gone, Carmine,
could you, uh, check my wiring?

Sure, sure, okay.

What-what about Rhonda?

Your wiring's fine.

I need you to water my plants.

- Okay.
- (Squiggy clears throat)

Laverne? Laverne?

Hmm?

What about S-Q-U-I-G-G-Y?

Come here. Come here.

I don't want you
near the place, okay?

Rhonda, is that you?

Rhonda?

Yoo-hoo.

Could have sworn I
heard somebody come in.

Eh.

- Hi-ho, Rhonda's here!
- Oh!

So, what are you
doing under there?

Seeing stars.

Oh. Thank you, Carmine.

Not you, Rhonda.
I bumped my head.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Carmine.

Let me get you some
cold water on a towel.

Rhonda, don't! Don't!

- Oh.
- Rhonda!

(spitting)

RHONDA: Oh!

Just give me the towel, Rhonda.

Gee, I'm sorry Carmine, again.

It's okay again, Rhonda.

Rhonda, can you give me
a hammer in the toolbox?

Oh, sure.

Did you fix the lights?

Uh, I can't find anything
wrong with the wiring.

(laughs)

That's probably because
you're looking under the sink.

Rhonda, I'm looking
under the sink

'cause I heard some
noise under here.

I thought maybe
it was the pipes.

Oh.

Well, I don't hear anything now.

Of course you don't.

It's just like when
you try to fix your car.

You start looking for
the noise, and it stops.

You want an apple, Carmine?

No. But, uh, can you... can
you hand me the wrench?

Okay, just a sec.

Thank you.

Carmine, I can't
find the wrench.

You just handed
it to me, Rhonda.

I did not.

What do you call this, Rhonda?

Well, Rhonda did
not hand that to you.

Very amusing, Rhonda.

Now, could you not
hand me the screwdriver?

Okay, I won't.

SQUIGGY: So,
you're an actress, huh?

Yes.

Yeah, what did you say your
name was, Marianne Bimboli?

- No, it's-it's Vimvoli.
- That's what I said.

- Bimboli. Bimboli.
- No, it's Vim.

- What's that? Vim?
- Vim.

Well, it doesn't matter.
We can change that name.

We can change anything
we want to in Hollywood.

Let me have a good
look at you, will you?

- Oh!
- Oh, no, now don't be shy.

Come on. Oh, you've
got all the right parts

in all the right parts.

And, you know, I think there's
a part you might be right for.

We got to have
an audition first.

Look, a casting couch.

What luck!

Right in our own midst here.

Why don't you sit down,

- and I'll-I'll cast you, as it were.
- Okay.

Oh, you know what I
like about you, Squiggy?

Aw, sure, I'm a
high-powered agent

who can make you a big star.

- How did you know that?
- Well, I know.

When you've been in
this business long enough,

you know you didn't get
where you are just on account

of your looks, you
know what I mean?

I'm very big in this town.

Why, nobody can
get in to see me.

Why, just the other
day, I saw nobody.

- That's why you're a lucky girl, you know?
- Yes.

- Yes, you're a very lucky girl.
- Mm-hmm.

And I hope that I'll
become a very lucky boy.

(both moaning)

Forget it. Just
concentrate on my lips.

Mm!

Can you really get me
in the movies, Squiggy?

Oh, you hurt my feelings.

Oh, how could you say that?

Of course I could
get you in the movies.

I could get you in
the movies half price.

But we got to work
on your screen kiss,

you know what I mean?
That's the most important thing.

That's what all these
movie producers look for.

Can she kiss on screen?
That's what they're gonna ask me.

What am I supposed
to say if I don't know?

- Yes!
- Well, let's try it! Yes is what I'll say.

But you've got to give me a
good screen kiss, all right?

- Know what I mean?
- Okay.

Real slurpy and wet,
all right? Okay, now...

(moaning loudly)

(Marianne shrieks)

(Squiggy yelling)

Unbelievable!

Did it move for you, too?

Oh, you animal!

You actress!

You're just like all the
other agents in town.

Oh, no, I'm not. I
return your calls.

Listen, if you leave now,

I promise you I'll never
work in this town again.

- Ha!
- Ha!

Wait a minute. If I leave...

I got my thr*at wrong.
I got my thr*at wrong.

Marianne, I got my...
Oh, Marianne, come on.

- Marianne, I got my thr*at wrong.
- (eerie laughter)

It's you who'll never work
in this town again, you get it?

(eerie laughter continues)

See, if you were
to leave now... Oh.

Marianne, Marianne,
you got to let me out.

I'm sorry. I didn't touch you!

I'm sorry. I didn't touch you.

GHOST: What an idiot.

Sometimes I wish I could
communicate with these mortals,

but I couldn't get through

to this one even if I was alive.

Come on, Marianne.

Don't play games with
me. Just let me out, will you?

GHOST: You're not
who I want. I'll let you out.

(screams)

(grunts)

So you want to play rough, huh?

Well, two can play this game.

You're beautiful
when you're angry.

Where are you, Marianne?
Oh, Marianne, where are you?

What a bozo.

That's strange.

She ain't here, and
yet the door's open.

(whines)

Strange things are happening!

Very strange things.

Stranger than fiction.

This is gonna be fun.

The guys in the graveyard
would love to see this.

I-I've got no time
to be terrified.

I'm a busy man.

I'll try the back way.

(chuckles)

(screams)

Oh, no!

(ghost laughs)

It didn't move. It didn't
move. It didn't move.

Ooh, ooh.

Stop that, will ya?!

You're driving me crazy!

I'm gonna get out of here!

(snaps fingers)

Oh, no!

You've got to let
me out, whoever...

or whatever you are. Let me out!

It's no use.

I'll have to... I'll have to
use brute strength then.

Okay, you leave me no choice.

I'm just gonna have to
bust my way out of here.

(yells)

Oh, gee! Ooh!

Gets 'em every time.

FRANK: Okay, so you got me here.

So where's the ghost, okay?

Where's... Mr. Ghost,
where are you?

Come on down. I'll
give you a cup of coffee.

No, Mr. DeFazio! We
want to scare it away.

We don't want to
keep it up all night.

SQUIGGY: Yeah. I'll tell
you, for me, it was awful.

First the door, it flew open.

Then the next thing I
knew, the door, it flew closed.

You told us, Squigg, already.

Oh. Well, then the table,
it started coming at me.

You told us, Squigg.

Well, next thing I
knew, the chairs,

they all started
ganging up upon me.

The chairs? You didn't
tell us that, Squigg.

- The chairs ganged up on you?
- Oh... yeah.

(loud clank) -(Squiggy screams)

What was that?! What was that?!

Carmine and I saw
a screwdriver fly.

Yeah, we did.

- Really?
- Yes.

(Squiggy and Rhonda scream)

What is it?!

- Oh, please, you unholy one!
- (Rhonda gasps)

Take this woman
as your sacrifice!

He may be dead,
but he ain't nuts.

- Take her!
- Let's hide behind the curtain!

No, no, don't hide
behind the curtains!

That's the first place

any-any self-respecting
ghost would look.

Don't you see? You're
having yourselves

a paracycle lollipop
experience here.

I'm gonna go where
no ghost will go.

Underneath Lenny's bed.

- (thunder rumbling)
- (gear clanking)

Hey.

(all scream)

(Laverne screaming)

RHONDA: Oh!

Muffin? (laughs) See?

What the heck is going on here?

What's the matter
with you people?

You act like you just
saw a ghost or something.

Ooh! Did you see it, too?

Oh, muffin, I'm
so glad to see you.

It's Laverne. See?
There's no ghost here.

Hey, you were behind that
curtain, too, Mr. DeFazio.

- It wasn't just us.
- (Frank muttering)

You thought there
was a ghost, too.

Rhonda thought there
was, you thought there was.

Don't just blame it on me.

Oh, look, Carmine, thanks
a lot for fixing the lights.

Laverne, look, the lights
were never broken, Laverne.

There's a ghost here,
Laverne. This place is haunted!

Oh, Carmine, if you couldn't
fix the lights, just say so, okay?

No! No, it's true!

Squiggy said the
place is haunted.

Oh, Squiggy said.

Well, normally we
wouldn't believe him, but...

the screwdriver moved by itself!

It did!

(thunder rumbling)

You know something?
You people are all crazy.

I was so happy up
on that mountain

till it started raining
at 3,000 feet.

Didn't even get hors
d'oeuvres or nothing.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go to bed, okay?

Night.

Oh, Pop, you don't
have to help me with the...

Okay, okay, stay
calm, everybody.

Stay calm, stay calm.

I hear... Yeah.

If you're afraid, the best
thing to do is whistle.

(all blowing air)

Wet them. Wet your lips.

(all sputtering)

That's it.

You try to whistle
and I'll get out of here.

(all screaming)

Hey, Rhonda, how do you
know all about this stuff, anyways?

Who d*ed and made you
communicator with the dead?

I was in Blithe
Spirit on the stage.

You know that's a play, Rhonda.

Yes, Laverne, but
it really worked.

Every single night.

(sighs)

Concentrate, all right?

- Okay, what do we do?
- Shh.

Ooh, we get to hold
hands. I like this.

Shh.

Spirits of the netherworld,

can you see us?

(thunder rumbling)

Spirits of the netherworld,

come to us.

Rhonda, if we're trying
to get rid of the ghost,

why do we keep
inviting it over, huh?

Laverne, please; we have to
communicate with the spirits.

It's the only way we can
find out what they want of us.

Can't you just leave a note
on the refrigerator door?

Shh.

Spirits of the netherworld,

can you speak to us?

GHOST: I wish I could.

Did you hear that? I heard that.

I heard that.

I said that. I can talk.

(gasps)

The ghost is talking
through Laverne.

No, he isn't.

GHOST: Yes, I am.

- Are not.
- Am so.

Laverne, you're
arguing with yourself.

I know, and I'm losing.

- I'm getting out of here.
- Oh, Laverne!

You must be compatible
with the spirits.

Oh, lucky me.

Oh, that's wonderful!
Oh, Laverne.


Oh, sit down.

Oh, spirit, please tell us,

why have you come?

What do you want
from this place?

GHOST: I could
really use a cold beer.

Boy, I wish I could do that.

What am I talking about?

If I could do that,
I'd be a ghost.

- (can pops)
- GHOST: Drink it.

No, no, I don't want it.

- Drink it.
- I don't want it.

- Drink it.
- I don't want it!

Drink it!

(burps)

Ooh, he's disgusting.

Sorry, that was me.

Oh.

Please, spirit, please.

Spirit,

tell us what you desire.

GHOST: How about a little kiss?

(gasps)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

That was terrible!

GHOST: I haven't kissed a
woman like that in over 35 years.

Well, the way you
kiss, I'm not surprised!

You know, Mr. Ghost,
uh, excuse me.

Uh, this might not be
any of my business,

but, uh, you're not
acting like a ghost at all.

Whatever happened to "boo"?

- Well, Carmine...
- GHOST: Boo!

(screaming)

Please, please,
please stop this!

Please, please!

Why are you doing this to me?

GHOST: Because you live here,

the home of the judge
that cost me the victory

in the 1932 Olympics.

The Olympics were in
Los Angeles that year?

GHOST: I'm a dead man.

Why would I lie?

He's got a point, Carmine.

- GHOST: Thank you.
- You're welcome.

GHOST: I got fouled

on the last turn of the race.

The judge refused to call it.

My spirit

will never rest until I get a
chance to run that race again.

CARMINE: You mean to
tell me all you have to do

is rerun that race and you'll
leave this apartment forever?

GHOST: You're smarter
than you look, squat dancer.

Watch it, if you want Laverne

to have all her teeth
in her mouth, pal.

- Carmine, come on.
- Let me hit him once, Laverne.

- Take it easy.
- Let me just hit him once, that's all.

Carmine, they're my teeth!

I was talking to him.

Now...

I think I got a way

to get rid of this guy.

No offense.

GHOST: No offense taken.

Okay, everybody,

you know what
you're supposed to do.

You run, you sweat,
you k*ll yourself.

You give it everything you got,

and you make sure that
Laverne is the winner.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

It's bad enough I got
to do this stupid thing.

You want me to
throw the race now?

You want Hungary to win?

Mr. DeFazio, I'm getting old.

I may not get another
sh*t at the Olympics.

Oh, come on, Carmine.

If you don't let the ghost win,
he's gonna stay inside my body.

(giggles)

Would that be so bad, Laverne?

Yeah. Well, Rhonda,

it's not that kind
of a feeling, okay?

- No?
- No.

Uh, remember
when you were little

and your mother said don't
swallow a watermelon pit

or else one will grow
in your stomach?

- Yeah.
- Well, it feels like

I got a melon that's 40
years old, and it talks.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

All right, all right, all right,
so we'll let Laverne win.

Thank you very much, Carmine.

GHOST: Oh, no, you don't.

I want to win this
race fair and square.

Hey, hey, hey. What
are you doing here?

You're not supposed
to be here until 10:00.

GHOST: Well, I'm sorry.
I had trouble telling time.

My watch stopped in 1938.

- Oh, I feel so sorry for him.
- Yeah.

Look at that, we got
us an honest ghost.

All right, everybody,
do your best.

Okay, that's okay by me.

It's every man, woman and,

uh, whatever you
are for himself.

Ooh.

All right runners,

take your positions!

♪♪

♪♪

Take your starting positions.

On your mark...

get set...

- (g*nsh*t)
- go!

(screams)

(shudders)

Oh!

Oh!

RHONDA: Ooh!

(shudders)

- Whoa.
- Time!

Time. Oh.

♪♪

Let's get this thing over with.

Okay, wait a second, Pop.

I want a picture. Smile.

Not now. Later, later.

So when later?

Come on, how often
do the 1932 Olympics

come to town, huh?

Smile.

Great, Pop, great,
wonderful picture.

Okay, the bronze medal

goes to our Swedish
Olympian, Miss Rhonda Lee!

Oh, my hair.

Mr. DeFazio, I'll-I'll do it.

(Swedish accent):
I would like to thank

all the little people who
made this moment possible.

Especially...

Smile, Rhonda!

- (chuckles) I...
- Thank you, next.

And the silver medal

goes to our Hungarian
Olympian, Mr. Carmine Ragusky!

(forced laughter)

Could you speed this
whole thing up, Mr. DeFazio?

My foot's starting to
swell in this bucket here.

Oh, come on, Carmine.
As soon as we're done,

we'll take you
outside and cut it off.

The bucket, Carmine.

- We'll cut off the bucket.
- Oh.

And from the United States,

the gold medal goes to Mr...

Ghost.

Uh, am I close?

Uh, uh...

GHOST: A little to the left.

Okay, good, a little higher.

Ow!

(mutters)

Higher please, higher, higher.

A little back.

Okay, let go.

Well, it's about time.

Looks kind of good, doesn't it?

Hey,

the ghost isn't talking
through Laverne no more.

GHOST: Hey, now that I
have my medal, I don't need to.

My spirit is free to go.

Well, the door's right there.

I'm not one for long good-byes,

- so go ahead.
- See you later.

GHOST: Hey, I know I may
have caused you some troubles,

but hey, I'm a ghost.

Is there anyone you want
me to scare before I leave?

- Can't think of anyone.
- No. -No, no, I can't.

I can't...

Hey, how about one final picture

for the record book, okay?

Okay.

- Okay, guys.
- Everyone say "free."

Free.

Perfect.

GHOST: Not really.

I blinked.

GHOST: Hey, Mr. DeFazio,

you're an okay guy,
but get off my lap.

Oh, it's you.

What are you doing
here? You won the race.

I thought you were on your
way to, uh, up or down, wherever.

I missed my bus...
The 5:12 to Heaven.

They make you take a bus?

No wings?

Well, they're always
trying to cut corners.

Anyway, there's
always a traffic jam

going through
purgatory at this hour.

What I need is a favor.

Oh, no, I'm not
gonna drive you there.

The next bus ain't for a month.

I'm a little short of cash.

What I need is a job.

What, are you
crazy? You're a ghost.

So? You're an equal
opportunity employer.

Okay.

We'll give it a try.

Hey, here's a customer.

Go ahead, take care of him.

Get him a menu.

Hi, our special
today is chicken loaf.

(screams)

Frank,

I think you definitely need
to change your special.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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