08x19 - How's Your Sister?

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

FRANK: Hey, look
at this. Ben Casey.

CARMINE: I'm dressed like this

'cause I had to deliver
a singing telegram.

I'll tell you something.

If I could put together a
couple of hundred bucks,

I'd quit this stupid job and
look for something else.

Look, as long as
you're dressed like that,

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

What?

You see,

the chef's doctor said
he's got to go home.

I'm gonna go to the back and
tell him I got a second opinion.

Yeah. How do you like...?

♪ Ah, the world
owes me a living ♪

♪ Ah-da, da-da, da-da... ♪

Hiya, Doris. How you...?

Oh, your daughter looks I...

Well, there he is... The
Big Ragoo, Carmine, huh?

Hey, how's Hollywood's
favorite lady-k*ller? Huh? Huh?

Not so hot, Squigg.

Oh, come on, you,
you-you-you, you Valentine-o's.

You're all the same, you
know... Silent but deadly.

Come on, Squigg. I-I'm
not in the mood, all right?

No, you're not in the mood.

Well, I am in the
mood, you know?

I am. I'm feeling real good.

I'll tell you what, Carmine.

How'd you like to earn
yourself a quick $2,000?

$2,000?

Let me rephrase that.
Two hundred dollars.

Well, what's the catch?
What do I got to do?

Oh, there's no catch.
There's no catch.

In fact, to show you how on
the up-and-up the whole thing is...

- Yeah?
- I'll give you $100 right now.

- Yeah?
- Right now, $100 in front.

And then after you've
done the deed, so to speak,

then you can get the other
$100. How's that, huh?

- All right?
- Oh, great. Okay, what do I got to do?

Oh, you got to do nothing.

All you got to do is take
out my sister Squendelyn.

- What? What?
- Oh, listen...

- Hmm? What?
- What?

I said, all you have to do is
take out my sister Squendelyn.

Oh. Squiggy, I can't understand
what you're saying, Squigg.

Does this burger
got real meat in it?

Look, uh, no. I can't
under... What did you say?

I didn't understand.

I said that you just have to
take out my sister Squendelyn.

Oh, come on, Carmine.

What's the matter, cold feet?

No. Ugly face.

Deal's off.

All right.

Hey, Carmine, that was
the telegram company.

They want you to go
down to the shipyards

dressed like a
bottle of champagne.

If I was you, I'd
wear shoulder pads.

(laughing): If I was
him, I'd do that, too.

- Deal's on, Squigg.
- All right.

Now, if I could just find a
place for Squendelyn to stay.

Did you try the animal shelter?

Yeah, when she was nine,

but after three weeks,
they tried to put her to sleep.

I had to call a lawyer.

They knew what they were doing.

Yes, well...

(Squiggy mutters)

Hi, Carmine. Bye, Carmine.

Look, I only got five minutes.

I got to get back to work.
I need something to eat.

Get me a hamburger,
French fries, little tomato

and lettuce on the other
side, and a Coke, okay?

Here, I'm just gonna take this.

I'll leave the tip.
I'm in a hurry, okay?

She'll bring you another one.

It'll be on my tab.

Hi, Squigg. How are you doing?

Hi, Laverne.

Let's talk, shall we?

I don't have time.

I got to get back to
the aerospace factory.

Yeah. Well, listen, what I
want to talk to you about

is something a little bit
more important, you know?

My sis, Squendelyn,
remember her?

Well, she's coming
into town. Ain't it great?

Yeah.

And she needs a place to stay,

so I thought maybe
she could stay with you.

Oh, why doesn't she
stay with you and Lenny?

Well, Lenny's young.

He dreams.

I don't want to hear this,
okay? I'm eating, huh?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, you
don't have to hear about it.

You don't have to hear about it,

but it's really kind of a sad
story what happened to Squen.

Look, the only thing Squendelyn
and I had in common was you.

That leaves us
nothing to talk about.

Come on, Laverne,
you owe me a favor.

What favor? What?

Oh, come on, I fixed
you up with a movie star.

- Movie star?
- Yeah.

- He did one commercial.
- Well...

Mr. Scrubby, a man
who sings in a toilet bowl.

And you should see the
toilets he's singing in now.

I don't want to hear this...

Laverne, Laverne, I'm-I'm
asking you as a friend, huh?

I'm eating a bur... I'm eating.

I'm begging you as a friend.

I'm pleading with
you as a friend.

Do you want to see me cry?

Do you want to see
me lose my pride?

Laverne, please,
give it to me, please.

Take my sister in, I
beg of you, please.

Okay, Squigg,
she can stay, okay?

Okay, there you go.

Well, Carmine, what
do you think of her?

Why is she putting her
stockings on in the car?

Don't you know
nothing about women?

She wants to look
beautiful for you.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Then she should be putting
her stockings over her face.

(Carmine laughs)

Squigg, I want out of this deal.

Ah, it's too late
for that, Carmine.

You already took half the money.

And all you got to do is
just take her out on a date,

make her happy, and
then you get the other half.

Well, I guess I could
take her to Bakersfield.

There's a place there
where you can bowl

from, uh, midnight to 8:00 a.m.

I could take Squendelyn there.

Yeah, but remember,
only if she wants to.

That's part of the deal.

It's whatever she wants to do.

And please be gentle.

She's all messed up inside

on account of her old man,
Arnie, busted up with her.

Uh, the guy knew
what he was doing.

Well, I don't know what

you're making such a
big deal about, Carmine.

I mean, it ain't that bad.

It's not like I'm fixing
you up with Rin Tin Tin.

- ♪ Hello! ♪
- Hi.

Hi. Oh, so this will be my
home away from home.

- Yeah.
- My, it's quaint.

- Quaint?
- Quaint.

Yes, that's a New Jersey term.

It means, uh, tacky.

You see, when you're
an assistant buyer

at Klein's on the
Square, such as myself,

after a while you, uh,
develop an eye for beauty.

Are these yours?

Yeah.

Oh, good.

You know, you're a
very fine looking man.

Thanks. You're
quite a... looker, too.

- (Carmine clears throat)
- Well, thank you.

- (Carmine whistles)
- Hmm, hmm, hmm.

May I j...?

(Squendelyn clears throat)

Well, well, well,
look at the lovebirds.

You two get along just
like two bats in a belfry.

(Squendelyn laughs)

Yes, Carmine is quite
the gentleman, Andrew.

Oh, he is, is he? Yeah.
Mm. (sucks in through teeth)

I know just what you mean.
I know just what you mean.

Quite the gentleman,
Carmine, quite the gentleman.

Well, well, I'd better
be running along.

You know what they say.

Two's company, three's a felony.

Uh, Squ... Squigg!

No, no, no, no,
no, no, let him go.

Come. Sit.

- Sit?
- Sit.

Okay, sure, I'll sit.
Here you are, see?

- Look, Squendelyn, uh...
- Yeah?

There's, uh, something
I got to ask you

while I still got my courage.

I'm on the pill.

You're not making
this any easier.

Um, you wouldn't
want to go out with me

Saturday night on a date?
It's okay. You can say no.

I've got no feelings.
That's all right. Say no.

No. It's all right.

Oh, Carmine...

you poor, lost bear.

I know what you're
going through.

You've loved and lost.

I understand.

I'd be honored
to go out with you.

What have you got in mind?

- Another woman.
- I'll make you forget.

Uh, well, may-maybe
we could go to, uh...

Maybe we can go to
Bakersfield and do some bowling.

I hear they got a bowling
alley up there. (laughs)

Well, I only bowl with
my own equipment,

and I left my Don Carter
glitter ball in Paramus.

Oh, shucks.

Well, uh, maybe we
could go to San Pedro,

do some night fishing there.

You know, I hear this is a
good time of the year to do that.

Uh, night fishing.

The smell of fish
makes me "vomeet."

Pardon my French?

Oh, well, I'm sure we'll
come up with something.

Yes, I'm... sure we will.

Hi-ho. Rhonda's here.

- Oh, Rhonda, Rhonda.
- Oh. Oh. Oh.

Come in, Rhonda.

- Rhonda's here. Here's Rhonda.
- I...

Oh! Hi. I'm Rhonda.

I know, I know, I know
you must be Squendelyn.

- Yes, I am.
- You look so much like Squiggy.

I'm not surprised. We
have the same father.

- Oh, really? Gee.
- Yes...

Oh, I'm so sorry I interrupted.

- I can come back any time.
- No, no, no.

No, Rhonda, Rhonda, Rhonda.

Why don't you come in and
sit down and stay a few hours?

Oh, gee, no time.

I have to get to
my acting class.

Oh, you mean you go to class
to learn how to act like that?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, this isn't acting.

This is the real Rhonda.

Oh, look, Rhonda,
why don't you just, uh...?

Why don't you stay a
while, and sit down, relax,

and, uh, tell us about
your summer vacation?

Uh, start with June 21,
the longest day of the year.

- Well, gee, I can't.
- Oh.

I just stopped by to tell you

about a major Hollywood
party on Saturday night.

Oh.

Yeah, Rhonda's inviting
everybody in the building.

It's gonna be the
best party of the year.

- Saturday night?
- Yeah.

- This Saturday night?
- This Saturday. Come.

Yeah? This...

No, we're not interested.
We got other plans.

Oh, no.

We're gonna go to the Ranch
Market to squeeze melons.

Oh, you silly, you.

We would love
to go to the party.

- Ooh, okay.
- I thought you just said you didn't...

I said we'd love
to go to the party.

We'd love to go to the party.

Yeah, well, you just be
there with, uh... bells on.

- (women laugh) -She'll be
wearing them around her neck.

Oh.

Laverne?

Laverne? Oh, Laverne!

You're not gonna let me
sleep, are you, Squen?

You're not, are you?

Well... no.

Because I have to
tell you something.

How am I supposed to sleep

when Cupid has taken his
arrow and shoved it up my heart?

Excuse me?

Well, Carmine Ragusa asked
me out to a big Hollywood party.

Carmine?

Mm-hmm.

Our Carmine?

Mm-hmm.

Were you both in the
same room when he asked?

Mm-hmm.

- Well?
- Well?

I think he has a crush on me!

- Oh, Squen.
- Tell me. What do you know about Carmine?

- Everything.
- Hmm.

No, no, not that.

Oh.

Shirley didn't lock
her diary all the time.

I used to read
a little bit when...

Well, no man is perfect.

Does he have any weaknesses?

Well, as I recall,

Shirley used to write he
was a sucker for seduction. I...

Oh, just my kind of man.

Let's see.

How's this for size?

(makes squeaky,
sucking noise through lips)

- Oh, no, don't do that.
- No?

No, your brother
does that all the time.

Well, I taught it to my brother.

Quite a family.

No, I-I think what Shirley
was talking about...

She always used
to do this thing that...

- I don't know why.
- Oh?

It looked silly to me, but
it used to work for him.

- Okay.
- Ready?

- I'm ready.
- She used to go like this.

I don't know why.

I don't, either.

But, uh, maybe I don't
need to do that kind of thing,

because I think, uh...

Well, you should give
it a try once, I think.

Really? You think
I should just...

Well, all right. It seems
strange to me, but...

Like this?

- A little looser.
- Like this?

- A little looser? Looser?
- A little looser.

Oh. Oh.

Yeah?

Squen, why don't you go
downstairs in the living room,

and you practice it, and
I'll watch it in the morning.

Please. Good night.

No, no, I don't think I'll
ever get that desperate.

I can use my own charms.

Don't worry about that.

Mm-hmm.

Good night.

You don't mind if I, uh... if I
leave the light on, do you?

(Laverne snoring)

(playing mellow song on piano)

(softly): Oh... Carmine.

Carmine.

Carmine!

- Squen.
- Look at it! Look at it!

It's more exciting
than I imagined.

It's just wonderful!

Now, just tell me one thing.

Why did we have to wait
in the car for three hours

right outside the house?

Wittle Squendy Wendy was
lonely in the backseat by herself.

I wanted to be
fashionably late, you see?

And if you want to
be really fashionable,

what we do is we stay here for
two minutes and then we leave.

That way, they think we
got another party to go to.

- You got that?
- Oh, I s...

You're kidding me!
You're a put-on! (giggles)

I could tell, you're
wearing your funny hat.

- Take off this hat. You look like a nut.
- No.

- No! No!
- Come on, don't be a... Oh, come on.

Wet's not be a
bad wittle wabbit.

- Give me that hat, give me that hat.
- No. No.

I'll hang it up. Oh, he's...

such a little boy!

- Don't forget me.
- Yeah. How could I?

Hello.

This is Tanya and I'm Terri,
and we have a little problem.

(nervous laugh) You do?

Well, the problem is, there's
not too many guys at this party,

so we were wondering if
maybe you'd like to dance.

- Me?
- Mm-hmm.

- With the two of youse?
- We can take turns.

You look like you
have lots of stamina.

(laughing
nervously): Oh, well...

Well, I... I really can't dance.

Well, I'm sure we
can find something

for the three of us to do, huh?

CARMINE (groaning):
Could you please leave?

I don't want you to see me cry.

I agree with you complete...

Oh! There you are,

my impetuous little Brillo head.

Tell me...

would you like an hors d'oeuvre?

Uh, yeah, why don't you,
uh, why don't you get me

one of those, uh,
pigs in a blanket there?

Ah, okay, pigs in a blanket.

- Why don't you just jump in a blanket?
- I beg your pardon?

- Oh, nothing. I didn't say...
- Oh, I'm sorry, I missed that.

Squendelyn.

- (Rhonda and Squendelyn
screaming) -Rhonda!

- Hello, darling! Ooh!
- (jabbering)

Oh, Squendelyn, Carmine,

meet Judy... we used
to date the same swami.

Oh. Who slept on the nails?

- (laughter)
- Hi.

Very nice... nice to meet you.

You're a movie actor, right?

I mean, anybody as cute as
you has got to be somebody.

- Oh, he's nobody.
- I'm nobody.

Oh, Judy, look...
There's Willie Mars,

the guy who directed
me in Car of Slime!

Hey, Willie!

- Willie, hi!
- Hey, babe!

Hi!

I saw you in Car of Slime.

Weren't you a Slime Hop?

Slime Hop number one.

I'm the one who delivered
the poison chicken.

Yeah, what happened?
I had to leave early.

- I don't know. Come on, let's go say hi.
- Hi...

It was very, very nice
to meet you, Carmine.

Nice to meet you.

(Carmine clears throat softly)

I could look like that
if I had my teeth...

- cleaned professionally.
- (chuckles)

- I'm sure you could.
- Which... that reminds...

oh, that reminds
me of something.

I left my retainer
soaking in the sink

in the little girls' room.

- You know how it is. Whoo!
- Yeah.

- Wait for me, wait for me, wait for me.
- O-Okay, okay.

- "X" marks the spot. Ba-bump.
- Right, right, okay.

- I'll be here.
- I'll be here!

Yeah, yeah.

Do you want a tight squeeze?

I beg your pardon?

The tight squeeze.

It's a dance I invented
when I saw you.

Do you want to do it with me?

Well... (laughs)

I...

You're not gonna believe this.

I don't believe it
myself, but, see,

I really would like to,
believe me, I would, but, uh,

I'm afraid I can't; I'm
waiting for somebody.

She must be some woman.

Yeah. She's unique.

I thought those days were
over when Shirley got married.

- Thank you.
- Listen to me, pal...

let me ask you a question.
If, uh, you got a chance

to be with one of these girls,
you'd take it, wouldn't you?

- Sure. You kidding?
- Here, take over for me.

I got two tomatoes
named Tanya and Terri

- waiting for me in the kitchen.
- No. W-Wait a minute.

Tan-Tanya and Terri?

Tanya...

Why are you doing this to me?

(laughing): With your
father in the room?

I didn't even know the
g*n was loaded. (laughs)

Squigg, we gotta
settle something.

Uh, yeah, oh, fine. Well,
it's Commander Whitehead.

Hey, what happened? Did
your beard sink? (laughs)

Oh, this is just the
inebriation the girls and I need.

All right, here you go, girls.

Uh, Belle, Clara,
this is Carmine.

Carmine, Clara, Belle.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Uh, would you
excuse my friend and I?

Uh, we'd like to
discuss something.

- Oh, okay. Excuse me, girls.
- Excuse me, girls.

- I have a fly in my soup.
- Would you excuse us?

- (laughing): I have a fly in...
- Get over here, Squigg.

Listen, Squigg, I don't think

I can stay with
Squendelyn much longer.

Hey, wait a minute,
it's part of the deal...

You got to make her happy.

- All right, I'll stay with her.
- Fine.

So long as you give me the
other hundred bucks right now.

Gee, Carmine, I'd love to
do that, but I'm-I'm afraid

I spent it all, you
know what I mean?

I mean, Clara and Belle may
be cheap, but they're expensive.

- You ain't got the money?
- No.

I took Squendelyn
here for nothing?

What do you mean for nothing?

I already gave you
the first hundred bucks.

Besides, look at
the surroundings.

You get nice food,
you get good company,

and maybe, if you're
lucky, you'll get a tip.

- (chuckles)
- I'm warning you, Squigg,

when your sister gets
out of the powder room,

I'm gonna drop
her, you got that?

Whatever makes her happy.

Come on, girls, let's
get over to the piano.

What a family.

Waiting for somebody?

Not anymore. You care to dance?

I'd love to.

Yeah? Hey, great.

(Carmine grunts, woman giggles)

All right, then we'll
play it that way.

I'll just have to get desperate.

(spits)

- Oh, excuse me one second.
- Carmine, Carmine, it's me.

- Listen, Squendelyn...
- Yes?

Look, there's something
I got to tell you.

Now, listen, this whole
evening has been...

- Just wonderful.
- Well, not really.

Look, uh, this
guy's with me, okay?

Oh. Okay, okay, that's fine.

That's fine, let
him be with you.

You are free to flee, Carmine.

(voice breaks): I'll just stand
in the corner like a wallflower,

wither, die, and make
a mess on the rug.

Squendelyn, it
was just one dance.

That's not the point.

It was the way you held her.

You never held me like
that, never, Carmine, never!

- (sobbing)
- Oh, don't do, don't do...

Come on. Don't do that.

Look, she said I was
with her. I didn't say that.

I thought you told me that
you weren't waiting for anybody.

Well, I was wrong.

I was waiting for
this lady, okay?

May I have the
honor of this dance?

You certainly may.

Are you crazy?

Crazy?! Yes, we're crazy!

Crazy in love!

(knocking)

- Come in.
- Hello.

Oh, Carmine.

You, uh, ready to
leave for the airport?

What a pleasant surprise.

I was expecting my
brother, but I'm glad it's you.

Well, he's waiting
out in the truck.

I-I wanted to talk with
you alone for a minute.

Good. 'Cause I wanted to talk
to you alone for a moment, too.

You know, Carmine,
I was thinking,

maybe I should move out here,

and that way, we could
spend all our time together.

I don't think that's such
a good idea, Squendelyn.

Oh, maybe you're right.

Maybe I shouldn't even go home.

That way we could spend
all our time together sooner.

(Carmine clears throat)

Hey, what's the big holdup?

Come on, my truck's
running. I'm wasting my gas.

Hey, uh, Squigg, could
you give me a minute?

I want to talk to
Squendelyn, all right?

What is this? I gave you a
hundred bucks to take her out.

What are you gonna ask for
now, double time for talking?

Come on, let's go.

Hey, Squigg!

On second thought,
maybe I'd best go home

and never come back.

Squendelyn, you...

you gotta understand something.

You see, Squiggy offered me
the money before I even knew you.

If-If I had known what a beau...

what a beau...

beautiful, sensitive
woman you were,

I would have...

paid for the privilege
of taking you out.

Carmine, thank
you for pitying me.

You're welcome.

But it's not you I'm cross with.

It's that brother of mine.

He didn't deserve that.

Squiggy was just trying to
do something nice, that's all.

He wanted to make sure his,
his little sister had a nice time

when she was here, that's all.

Well, he did pick the right man.

Well...

Well, I, uh, think,
uh, it's getting late,

and I think we should
leave for the airport, right?

Yes, maybe we should,
maybe we should.

That's a good idea.

You know, my, uh,
my brother does tell me

that you're quite a crooner.

Maybe someday you'd
sing a song about me.

As soon as you get on
that plane, I'll start singing.

Good, I'll fly with
the windows open.

- The bags?
- Oh.

LAVERNE: What's the
matter with you anyway?

You know, Laverne, I
used to chase women

because they had pretty
faces and great legs.

Yeah?

And ever since Squendelyn left,

I find myself attracted to
women with... inner beauty.

What the hell's wrong with me?

Nothing's the matter
with you, Carmine.

Yeah?

No, it happens to everybody.

Just means you're growing up.

Uh, you're going from the
Big Ragoo to Mr. Ragoo.

Mr. Ragoo. I kind of like that.

Yeah, but it sounds too
much like Mr. Magoo.

- Well...
- All right, Mr. Ragoo...

- Oh, there you are, Carmine.
- Mr. Ragoo...

Hey, Carmine, Carmine,
thanks an awful lot, huh?

I really owe you
a boat of gratitude.

You were so good to my sister.

Now, I understand she ain't

the prettiest girl in the
world, but hell, neither am I.

So thanks a lot.

Hey, Squigg, good
looks are not everything.

No?

Your sister's got something
that you'll never have.

- What's that?
- Inner beauty.

Inner beauty?

Yeah, and it took a
mature, adult guy like me,

Mr. Magoo, to see that.

Is that a fact, huh?

Inner beauty, that-that's
the important stuff, huh?

That's right.

I got to remember
that line, inner beauty.

Hey, girls, come on out here.

Inner beauty, huh?
That it, Carmine?

- That's what you're looking for?
- You'll learn, Squigg,

you'll learn, you'll learn.
- Inner beauty, huh?

Girls...

that over there is
Carmine Ragusa.

He was supposed to
join us tonight for supper,

but he thinks your
insides are ugly.

So, looks like we'll
be dining alone.

Squigg, wait a minute.

- Squigg, Squigg.
- Carmine, Carmine, no.

- Yeah, but...
- No.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪